S Vol. 4: Afterglow (Yaoi Novel)
Written By
Saki Aida
January 3rd
Blood Type: AB
The bottled fruit milk from the bathhouse tastes exceptional.
Blood Type: O
S Vol.4
S Vol.4-Afterglow-ESU Vol. 4 © SAKI AIDA/CHIHARU NARA. All rights reserved. Original Japanese edition published in 2006 by Taiyoh Tosho Publishing Co., Ltd. English translation copyright © 2008 by DIGITAL MANGA, Inc./ TAIYOH TOSHO CO., LTD. All other material © 2008 by DIGITAL MANGA, Inc. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without written permission from the copyright holders. Any likeness of characters, places, and situations featured in this publication to actual persons (living or deceased), events, places, and situations are purely coincidental. All characters depicted in sexually explicit scenes in this publication are at least the age of consent or older. The JUNÉ logo is ™ of DIGITAL MANGA, Inc.
English translation by Christina Chesterfield
Eiji Koide – Taiyoh Tosho Publishing Co., Inc.
Hikaru Sasahara – Digital Manga, Inc.
English Edition Co-Published by:
TAIYOH TOSHO PUBLISHING CO., LTD.
Chiyoda-ku, Tokyo 101-0065
Japan
A division of DIGITAL MANGA, Inc.
1487 W 178th Street, Suite 300
Gardena, CA 90248
USA
www.junemanga.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available Upon Request
ISBN-13: 978-1-56970-709-8
e-ISBN-13: 978-1-931712-53-8
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Other novels published by
JUNÉ
Only The Ring Finger Knows vol.1
The Lonely Ring Finger
Take Off His Clothes vol.1-2
Ai No Kusabi – The Space Between
Vol.1- Stranger
Vol. 2-Destiny
Vol. 3-Nightmare
Chapter 1
“What are you gonna do, mister?” the taxi driver asked in an irritated voice. He was about to lose his temper because he had been told to stop on the shoulder of the road for about five minutes now while his passenger debated whether or not he was going to get off.
Masaki Shiiba looked out of the window from the back seat of the taxi, then faced forward and took out his wallet. “I’ll get off here,” he finally said.
After paying and getting out of the taxi, Shiiba slowly walked along the sidewalk until he stopped in front of a door. One word was written on it—“Falsare.” Motoaki Matsukura had taken Shiiba to this club in Roppongi before. Falsare was well-known, often frequented by celebrities.
It was late at night on a weekday, but a lot of pedestrians were still walking about. A group of loudly chattering young men and women passed behind Shiiba.
Shiiba stared at the stainless-steel door and asked himself, Is this really okay? If I open this door and go inside, there’s no turning back.
His heart didn’t waver. After making sure that his decision was firm, he clutched something in his black trench coat. The hard, cold sensation that reached his fingertips made him more and more nervous.
He never imagined that a day would come when he would have to rely on it. But he didn’t care. Right now, he wasn’t there as a police detective. If he wasn’t prepared to make use of everything he possibly could, he couldn’t hold his own against that man.
He pushed open the door and went inside. A black man wearing a patterned suit stood at the end of the long, narrow hallway.
“Hey Jesse,” Shiiba said in a friendly voice, smiling. “Remember me? I’m Kuro’s friend.”
Perhaps because he recognized Kuro’s name, the black man nodded slightly and opened the door for Shiiba.
After paying the entrance fee, Shiiba pushed open the door that led to the dance floor. He was assaulted by the noisy trance music’s heavy bass. The intense, low beat of the loud music reverberated in his chest. All the young people packed on the dance floor were undulating to its rhythm.
Shiiba stood by the wall and turned his gaze towards the second floor VIP room. A young man wearing a suit stood in front of the room. Shiiba didn’t recognize the bodyguard tonight.
But he knew—Takanari Godou was inside that room.
After parting with Keigo Munechika at the hospital, Shiiba had taken care of some errands in Shinjuku, and then, riding a taxi, headed towards Ebisu to see Godou, the boss of the Godou Syndicate. But just as he had been about to get out in front of Godou’s condo, he had seen Godou getting into a car in the parking lot. So he had told his taxi driver to follow Godou’s car. Godou had gotten out of the black Mercedes Benz outside of Falsare with two other men.
Shiiba wasn’t sure if Godou was meeting someone in the club. But he was certain that Godou, one of his male subordinates, and four women wearing glitzy clothes were inside the VIP room. Godou usually traveled with a bigger retinue, so the fact that he was with a small group tonight was a perfect chance for Shiiba.
Shiiba left the dance floor and returned to the hallway. If he continued to the right, he would be able to go directly to the second floor. He tried to calm himself down by lighting up a cigarette. It was fine to be nervous, but he had to look like things were under control.
From the back of the hallway, a young man, who seemed to be an employee, came out carrying a large bouquet.
“Wow, that’s a nice bouquet,” Shiiba cheerfully called out to the young man.
The young employee smiled sociably and answered with pride, “It is, isn’t it?”
“Where are you bringing that?” Shiiba asked. “The VIP room?”
“Yes,” the young man answered. “It’s a present for a guest.”
Something suddenly came to Shiiba. “Oh, did the owner, Godou-san, ask for it?”
The employee looked surprised. He eyed Shiiba carefully. “Are you a friend of the owner’s? Excuse me, I didn’t know.”
As Shiiba watched the employee bow his head to him, he laughed inside. He remembered Motoaki saying he was friends with the owner, so he had tried his luck. Just as he had thought, this club did belong to Godou.
Shiiba put out his cigarette and came closer to the employee. “I’ll take that to Godou-san. I was just about to go upstairs.”
“B-but...” the young man started to protest.
“Oh, it’s okay,” said Shiiba, “it’s okay. Here, let me. It’s on my way, so it’s not a big deal.”
He took the bouquet from the employee’s hands, who looked conflicted. But the young man seemed to realize that he couldn’t be rude to an acquaintance of the owner’s. He bowed his head again and said, “Well then, I’ll leave it to you.”
Shiiba went up to the second floor and walked down the hallway to the VIP room. A subordinate of Godou’s was standing in the very back. The blinds were down over the glass windows of the VIP room, so he couldn’t see anything inside. But that detail worked to Shiiba’s advantage. He shoved his right hand in his coat pocket and held the bouquet in his left hand. The bodyguard blocked the door with a stern look on his face.
“What do you want?” the man growled.
“Delivery,” Shiiba replied quickly. “Did one of your guests order a bouquet?”
The man looked at Shiiba suspiciously and held out his hand, gesturing for Shiiba to hand the bouquet over.
Shiiba shook the outstretched hand. “I’ll deliver it myself. Tell Godou that Shiiba is here.”
“I was told not to let anyone through,” the man said stubbornly.
“If he knows you turned me away, he’ll be angry,” Shiiba said in a stern tone of voice. “Are you okay with that?”
The man clicked his tongue and said, “Wait here,” and opened the door. “Godou-san, someone named Shiiba is here—” Shiiba pushed the man’s back as hard as he could. They both tumbled into the room, and Shiiba quickly closed the door behind him.
Shiiba quickly aimed his pistol at the man’s forehead. The man raised his hands and went pale.
“Get back,” Shiiba ordered coldly. “You, too,” he added to the two other bodyguards. “Go behind the sofa and put your hands on the wall. If you move even an inch, I’ll shoot.” The two men obeyed with frustrated looks on their faces.
A pleasant-sounding voice reached Shiiba’s ears, saying, “You’re in a bad mood tonight, aren’t you?” Godou didn’t seem agitated by Shiiba’s intrusion. He looking relaxed, sitting with his legs crossed over the leather sofa, surrounded by attractive foreign models. He looked like some ad straight out of a fashion magazine.
A woman with long hair was sitting down beside him like a doll. She was wearing a slip dress with a vivid flower print and had a thin shawl wrapped around her shoulders. She sported heavy black eyeliner and red eye shadow. She looked at Shiiba without blinking. He couldn’t read her expression because of her heavy makeup, but just like Godou she was acting normally and didn’t seem the least bit frightened.
“Delivery.” Shiiba tossed the bouquet over to the table, noticing that one of the men facing the wall had started to lower his hands.
Since the man hadn’t heeded Shiiba’s warning, Shiiba pulled the trigger. The dry sound of the gunshot rang out and, at the same time, the bullet shot through the wall right next to the man’s face.
“I thought I told you not to move,” Shiiba said in a low voice. “Next time I won’t miss. Got it?” The man nodded.
Shiiba pointed the gun towards Godou.
“That’s not a gun issued by the police, hmm? How’d you get it?” Godou asked with a slight smile on his face. Even with a gun pointed at him, he didn’t seem to care. It wasn’t that he was trying to act cool, he seriously had no fear.
“You know what my job is,” Shiiba replied.
Godou shrugged and smiled. He looked like he was so amused he couldn’t stand it. “Did a detective from COC5 buy a gun from the black market? My, how the great gun hunter has fallen. Please tell me what changed you, a police officer who was once the defender of justice.”
Shiiba found the words “defender of justice” coming from Godou’s mouth ridiculous. His mouth twitched. “What the police wants to uphold isn’t justice,” he retorted. “It’s law and order.”
“Well, right now you’re violating law and order,” said Godou. “In other words, you’ve graduated from being a detective, hmm?”
“Yeah, I’m not a detective anymore.” It was true. Shiiba had turned in his resignation. However, his boss, Takasaki, wouldn’t receive it until the next day, so Shiiba was still technically a detective that night.
“You were right to quit.” Godou nodded emphatically as if he was talking about business. “You’re not cut out to be a detective.”
Shiiba had a gun pointed at the man, but he wasn’t in control of the situation. Godou’s calm attitude was shaking him up and his fingertips began to get damp with sweat.
“But does Munechika know?” Godou mused. “He tried so hard to protect you, but you stepped all over those feelings. How cruel.”
“Cut the bullshit. I didn’t come here to screw around.” Shiiba glared at Godou coldly across the table. “I came here to kill you.”
Godou narrowed his eyes with interest. He stroked the long hair of the girl beside him. “Before you pull the trigger, tell me why.”
“You killed my sister, and you tried to kill Munechika,” Shiiba said between clenched teeth.
“Your sister?” Godou said, playing dumb. “What are you talking about?”
Shiiba thrust the barrel of the gun at him. “Eight years ago you shot and killed a woman named Yukari Shinozuka. In order to protect his nephew—you—the boss of the Togetsu Syndicate made a young member of the Togetsu Syndicate turn himself in, making him the scapegoat.”
Godou touched his lips to the woman’s hair and murmured, “That’s an old story. Why are you bringing up now a story that’s eight years old? You’d sacrifice your life for some moldy old thing like that? What a foolish man.” Godou’s voice was not teasing, but actually sounded sympathetic.
Shiiba started to become more impatient. “You don’t understand how I feel. My sister was my only...I have the right to know the truth. Answer me, Godou. Did you shoot her?” He again aimed the gun at Godou’s forehead. His finger was on the trigger and it trembled slightly. His forehead started to sweat and his breathing became rough.
Even if he acted like he was calm, he was actually scared. Depending on Godou’s answer, he didn’t know what he would do. In just a few seconds, he might become a murderer. But what he was most scared of was that even if that happened, there was no fear in his heart. He honestly thought it would be better if Godou was dead.
“Shiiba, if you want to shoot, shoot,” Godou answered quietly as he gazed at Shiiba.
Shiiba shook his head. “That’s not what I want to hear.”
“Will you admit it? That you’re the one who did it?”
Shiiba wouldn’t be satisfied with such a vague answer. He wanted an admission of guilt. He wanted to hear Godou say, “I shot her.”
“I won’t admit it, but you’re free to shoot me,” Godou said in a carefree voice. “Do whatever you like.”
Burning anger welled up in Shiiba’s chest. Godou probably thought he wouldn’t shoot.
Shiiba stepped forward threateningly. “Godou, I told you I didn’t come here to screw around.”
“Yes, I heard,” said Godou. “But even if you kill me, I don’t feel like telling you the truth.”
“Why? If you don’t tell me, do you think you can be saved?” Shiiba yelled, irritated.
Godou pulled up the corner of his mouth into a smirk. It made Shiiba sick.
“You don’t want the truth,” Godou said confidently, “you just want an excuse to kill me.”
Shiiba gulped. It was as if Godou had read his mind.
“You just want to kill me, don’t you?” Godou continued. “You just want a reason to protect yourself. Just so you know, I didn’t kill your sister. Don’t accuse someone when you don’t have any proof.”
“I don’t believe you,” Shiiba said stubbornly.
“That’s up to you,” Godou said. “But one of my subordinates did shoot Munechika.”
The man denied one thing and admitted another. Shiiba didn’t know if Godou was tricking him or if what he said was true. Confusion crept into his chest. But he had to ignore that right now.
“That’s enough reason for me,” he said.
He had sworn a promise to Munechika. He had sworn that if Munechika ever came into any danger, he would risk his own life to protect him. So in order to avenge Munechika, he would kill Godou. He had a justifiable reason. He didn’t think it was wrong to call that justice. Godou was at fault here. That was clear. So all he had to do now was to follow his own feelings, not the law.
“Why are you out to get Munechika?” he asked. “Because he was in your way?”
“In my way?” Godou echoed. “What does that mean?”
“You want to gain control of the Matsukura Group,” Shiiba accused. “You won over the boss, Motoaki, but as long as Munechika is in the picture, you can’t get to the group from the inside. It wouldn’t be strange to want to get rid of Munechika for that reason.”
It was just a guess, but when Shiiba thought of the fact that Godou was currently trying to gain control of various other organizations, the likelihood of that scenario being true was high.
“It’s true that the Matsukura Group looks attractive to me,” Godou declared with conviction, “but it’s not like I desperately want it or anything. I wanted Munechika gone because of a personal grudge. Shiiba, if you really want to protect him, you can’t kill me. If you do, you’ll regret it.”
“What does that mean?” Shiiba asked suspiciously.
“I’ve given someone a gun and hundreds of bullets. We signed a contract that said every time he fired a slug into Keigo Munechika’s body, the reward would be one million yen. Do you understand now?” Godou looked up at Shiiba and smiled, waiting for a response.
“You...” Shiiba trailed off. He took deep breaths in order to regain his composure. “So in other words, you still have a hit on Munechika so it would be more dangerous to kill you.”
“Even if I die, he’ll still get paid,” Godou revealed. “So this game will continue. The only one who can stop it is me. That was the agreement from the beginning. It’s a lot of money, so he won’t kill Munechika right away. He can pull the trigger and shoot away Munechika’s organs. But, if he does hit something critical, I guess it’s game over.”
A gruesome game that would continue until Munechika died, with the purpose of tormenting Munechika and everyone around him.
“And he’s not someone who can be caught easily,” Godou said in a pleased voice, crossing his arms. “Poor thing. Even if his injury heals and he gets out of the hospital, Munechika will get shot again.”
The situation wasn’t progressing well as more time passed. Shiiba felt the sweat that had beaded on his forehead begin to run. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen...Shiiba thought as he grew more and more impatient. He wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.
No matter what Godou’s excuse was, Shiiba still wanted to shoot him.
But he was completely caught up in Godou’s pace. And even though he knew it wouldn’t do him any good, he couldn’t stop talking. He wanted to know what Godou was thinking no matter what.
“Why do you hate Munechika so much?” he asked.
“I have a grudge against him,” Godou answered. “You should know the feeling. You think I killed your sister. You’re here because you want to clear that grudge against me. That’s why you hate me so much that you want to kill me. You don’t have to tell me that.”
“Stop it,” Shiiba growled. “Don’t compare me to you!”
Godou tilted his head with a strange look on his face. “Why? Aren’t we the same? Let’s say I did kill your sister. And because of that you’ll kill me. What’s the difference between two murderers? The burden of the sin of taking another person’s life is the same.”
“It’s not the same. I have a reason.” Shiiba struggled to not show the trembling of his voice as he tightened his grip on his gun.
“Anyone can have a reason,” Godou pointed out. “I’m sure whoever killed your sister had a reason. Maybe there were circumstances beyond his control.”
Shiiba hung on to Godou’s every word. He knew he wasn’t doing something that was right. But he also didn’t think he was wrong. He had come to that place because he knew he had to do this, and he knew that it was the best thing to do. But now his resolve was wavering.
As Shiiba realized he was having trouble breathing, he argued in a hoarse voice, “I’ll throw away my life to pull this trigger.”
“And? You think you’ll be forgiven?” Godou said in a teasing voice. “So you’re going to kill me and then give yourself up. You’ll live in prison for about ten years, then return to society and live a normal life. You might lose social trust and a part of your long life, but that’s not a big deal. Don’t say exaggerated things like you’re going to throw your life away.”
Shiiba started to get confused. All he had thought about was killing Godou. He hadn’t given any thought to what would happen after that. Actually, he had thought that after he had killed Godou then his life would be over.
Godou looked at Shiiba with pity in his eyes. “You’re confused because you’re clinging to reason. Put down your gun.”
“Shut up!” Shiiba’s desire to murder Godou boiled up again and he tightened his grip on the gun.
Don’t back down now. You came all this way, there’s no turning back now. If you give up now, you’re just giving Godou what he wants. You shouldn’t care if you’re wrong. Kill him. Kill this man.
Shiiba felt the urge to twist himself away from the darkness of his ego, which was like air bubbles slowly rising to the surface from the bottom of a mud pit.
He’d been waiting for this moment. He had longed for this moment for eight years.
All the negative feelings he felt because of Yukari’s death coiled inside of him and smoldered like an incomplete combustion system. The anger that resided in the deepest parts of his heart had never been extinguished. Those black flames ordered Shiiba to pull the trigger. To shoot Godou before his heart burnt out, before it turned to ash. If he did that, he would finally get some relief. He would be freed from the cage of this endless hate. He would be free.
But his reason was as strong as those feelings, and it stopped him.
Godou was the one who killed Yukari. Even if he didn’t have solid evidence, all of Shiiba’s instincts were telling him that this man was the culprit.
But what if...what if he was wrong? What if Godou wasn’t the one who had killed Yukari?
And if he killed Godou, he would have to deal with the man who was after Munechika. A man, whose identity Shiiba didn’t know anything about, who would be trying to shoot Munechika as many times as possible.
The woman stood up, interrupting Shiiba’s thoughts.
The woman didn’t respond, but she slowly put her own body between Shiiba’s and Godou’s. She was trying to protect Godou, which further swayed Shiiba’s feelings.
“Move,” Godou told the woman in a gentle voice.
But she didn’t move an inch. She was staring at Shiiba straight-on. Her black eyes were strong, enough to sway the heart of any onlooker.
His heart became frozen. He couldn’t believe it, but the heat of rage in him started to diminish.
He kept the gun aimed at her as he approached her. He held out his left hand and took the woman’s shawl from her shoulders. The thin shawl slipped off her white skin.
He looked at her right arm and was astonished by what he saw. She had a tattoo of a one-winged butterfly.
“Kiri...Yoshizawa?” His voice lowered to a shocked whisper as he uttered the name.
The girl put her hand on her head. Her long hair, which hid the outline of her face, dropped to the floor with a thud, revealing an uneven hair that looked like she had cut herself. After removing her wig, it was clear that this woman was Kiri Yoshizawa.
He couldn’t believe that this slender, beautiful woman was the scrawny nineteen-year-old girl he had seen in the greasy work clothes at the ironworks.
“Why are you here?” he asked incredulously.
Of course Kiri couldn’t answer him. Even though he knew that, he couldn’t help asking anyway. That was how unbelievable the reality of the situation was to him.
She and her elderly grandfather made a modest living, but she had led a life filled with misfortune. She had lost her ability to speak after both her parents had committed suicide.
Shiiba had wanted to encourage her because she was working so hard to manage the ironworks. He had developed an inkling of how Godou and Kiri were connected. The probability of her being involved with the production of illegal guns was high. But Shiiba was shocked that there was a possibility that the two of them had an intimate relationship.
So Kiri really was making illegal guns after all? She made such elaborate pistols with those small hands.
“Kiri, be a good girl and get out of the way,” Godou repeated.
But Kiri still did not move. If she was protecting Godou, then that must mean that she was voluntarily going along with him. She wasn’t being threatened—she was with him of her own free will.
The realization made Shiiba feel so tense and nervous that he felt he would explode any minute.
Kiri felt something special for Godou. He didn’t think he would be able to kill Godou in front of her, in front of her dry eyes. She had lost her voice after witnessing her parents’ suicides. He didn’t want to throw her into the same kind of shock again.
Shiiba closed his eyes and put down the gun. He felt an inexpressible sense of defeat and frustration as he felt all the power slip away from his body.
Sensing that Shiiba had lost his desire to kill, Kiri returned to her original position.
“Shiiba, you don’t have to look so upset that you didn’t kill me. As long as you feel that way, you can kill me anytime. I won’t run away or hide.” Godou’s voice seemed far away.
Enough. Don’t say anything more. I failed.
Shiiba wanted to curl up into a ball, but he just stared at his own feet. He couldn’t help but react to Godou’s next words.
“If you really want to protect Munechika, you’ll belong to me.”
“What?”
Godou stood from the couch. Since he was taller than Shiiba, he looked down at the detective.
“If you become mine, I’ll tell the man who’s after Munechika to forget about the contract,” Godou clarified. “Of course I’ll still have to pay him off, but I’ll just think of it as the price of buying you.”
Perhaps it was because Shiiba had just been so nervous, but he couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t immediately grasp what Godou was saying.
“What’s in it for you?” he said in a weak voice as his arms dropped to his sides. He looked up at Godou.
“I’ll have the thing most important to Munechika,” Godou answered. “That will please me more than anything else in the world. Just think of it as a sort of transaction. You want to protect Munechika, right?”
“And if I refuse, there’ll still be a hit on him?” Shiiba asked.
“That’s right,” said Godou. “I don’t know when he’ll die. He’s caught up in a game of Russian roulette now.”
Shiiba stared at Godou, dazed. He felt numb and couldn’t make a calm decision. He didn’t know what to do.
“How do I know you’ll keep your promise?” he asked.
Godou shrugged and then shoved both hands in his pockets. “You just have to trust me. My goal isn’t to kill Munechika. It’s to hurt him. And if you become mine, then that will give him the greatest pain imaginable.”
Shiiba couldn’t see through Godou’s plan. He stared at the man’s cruel eyes. He didn’t know what Godou’s true intent was. He didn’t know if the man wanted him or if Godou just wanted to defeat Munechika.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore,” Godou continued. “If I do, I know I’ll have to deal with your crazy brother-in-law.”
Shiiba couldn’t completely trust Godou. He was sure of that. But he knew he had to accept.
“So what do you say, Shiiba?” Godou asked.
Shiiba looked down and licked his dry lips. If he left now, he would just keep on being confused. He would hang on to this anger that he didn’t know what to do with, and wander around in a maze with no way out.
But if he accepted Godou’s offer, he might find out something. Right now they were in a stalemate, but he might be able to make some progress.
He put the pistol back in his pocket. It was sink or swim, and he decided to gamble on the chance of progressing this way. He hated having to go back.
“I’ll go with you,” he answered. “But if you’re using me as some kind of a trap for Munechika, I won’t hesitate to kill you. I’m going to do everything I can to protect him.”
Godou put a finger under Shiiba’s chin and nodded. “Relax. Don’t worry. He’s a tolerant man.” Shiiba got a strange feeling from the warmth of Godou’s finger. He turned his face away, and Godou whispered softly into his ear, “If you’re worried, you can always carry that gun with you for safety.”
Shiiba stared at Godou. He had no other choice but to participate in Godou’s dangerous game. He didn’t care if it was a trap. If he didn’t make a move, nothing would change.
Chapter 2
“Will you get out your cell phone?” Godou said as they left the club and got into Godou’s car.
Shiiba took his phone out of his pocket and Godou ordered him to send a text message.
“A text message?” Shiiba asked. “To who?”
“Your brother-in-law,” Godou told him. “He’s the most dangerous person right now. Tell him you won’t be able to contact him for a while and not to worry. Hey, are there any dogs behind us?”
His driver checked to make sure no one was following them.
“Then go to Hayama as planned,” Godou directed.
“Hayama?” Shiiba murmured suspiciously.
Godou put his arm around Kiri and brought her close. “Kiri and I will be at my villa for a while. We’re bringing you along.”
After Shiiba was done texting Shinozuka, Godou took the cell phone away and turned it off. The car left Falsare, getting on to the Yokohama Yokosuka highway then turning into the Zuyo Toll Road.
They arrived at the villa after about an hour.
It was night so Shiiba couldn’t see clearly, but it looked like Godou’s villa was an impressive structure along the coastline.
An elderly man in his sixties appeared in the doorway. He bowed deeply to Godou, saying, “Welcome home.”
Perhaps because the house was Western-style, they didn’t take their shoes off in the entryway. The interior was decorated in an art-deco style, almost resembling Falsare. Apparently Godou was fond of this kind of decadent style.
Shiiba surveyed his surroundings.
Godou said, “I hate rooms with tatami and fusuma. Probably an adverse reaction to being brought up in a gloomy Japanese-style house.” He stroked the ornate doorknob lovingly.
His uncle was the boss of the Togetsu Syndicate, so he had probably been raised in the man’s house. Apparently Godou didn’t have fond memories of the place.
Godou led Shiiba downstairs. He brought him to a room in the basement. It was a room about thirty-two square feet with no window. There was a large LCD television and expensive-looking sound equipment. The only other thing there was a sofa.
“Who was that man?” Shiiba asked.
“A live-in employee,” Godou told him. “He takes care of the house and if I have guests, he acts as a butler.”
“Do you often invite people to come over?” Shiiba continued to probe.
“Only Kiri and Motoaki,” Godou revealed. “It’s kind of like my hiding place. I only come here about once a month.”
So he came here rarely and had an employee staying permanently. Shiiba coldly thought what a waste of money that was. He scowled at Godou.
“Where’s Kiri?” he asked next.
Ever since they had entered the house, he hadn’t seen her.
“Probably taking a shower,” said Godou. “She doesn’t like wearing makeup, so she always washes her face the moment we get home.”
“What’s your relationship with her?” Shiiba questioned.
Instead of answering his question, Godou said, “Seems like you’re fond of Kiri. If you want her, I don’t mind.”
Shiiba frowned, not understanding his meaning.
Godou smiled, looking amused. “I’m saying if you want to sleep with her, I don’t care. Just because you’ve been with Munechika doesn’t mean you don’t like women, right?” He said it soothingly, but anger shot through Shiiba. “I wouldn’t mind, really, if you’re sexually frustrated. But it would be like sleeping with a doll.”
“So you play around with girls like her?” Shiiba said in a reproachful tone of voice. “You’re using her like a toy, just like Motoaki. Sounds like something you’d do.”
Godou raised an eyebrow. “A toy? That’s going too far. I believe I mentioned it before, but Motoaki is with me because he wants to be. Same with Kiri. I’ve never forced either of them to do anything.”
“Yeah, right,” Shiiba spat.
Godou brought the subject back to Munechika. “Was Munechika the first man you’ve been with? What was it like the first time you had sex? Wasn’t it the first time you ever felt satisfied by sex?” Not waiting for an answer, he continued. “You want a man more than a woman.”
“You don’t know anything,” Shiiba interrupted, irritated by Godou's words.
Godou sat down on the sofa’s armrest, still with an amused look on his face. “I bet you’ve never gotten excited from sleeping with a woman. Men catch your eye more than women do. You hate it, but you can’t help it. Am I wrong? You love men more than women. You have too much pride so you can’t show anyone your weaknesses, so you can’t seek out others. Luckily you had your job. You’re a coward who can’t forgive yourself for having sex with a man without a reason.”
“What are you trying to say?” Shiiba felt wary. He thought Godou was teasing him, but at some point the man had started stepping into some dangerous territory.
Godou smiled and threw the finishing blow. “Nothing. It’s just my own analysis of you. You’re too transparent. You try to wear layers and layers of clothes to hide your true self. When I see someone like that, it makes me want to peel off a layer of my own clothing.”
“You’ve already seen me naked,” Shiiba said with a dark smile.
He was being sarcastic, remembering the one time Godou had seen him having sex with Munechika.
But Godou just shook his head lightly, looking unimpressed. “Unfortunately Munechika was in the way and I couldn’t see very well. But it was still quite an entertaining show. It was the first time I had ever seen Munechika seriously having sex in front of someone else.”
Shiiba narrowed his eyes. Godou noticed and then added, “When we worked together, we shared a woman. Sometimes all three of us had fun together. I know what he looks like when he has sex.”
Shiiba tried not to show any reaction, but he felt his face tightening.
“Don’t worry. It’s not like I had sex with him.” Godou smiled and stood up, then approached the door. “I’m going to confine you here for a while.”
“What did you say?” Shiiba gasped.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” Godou explained. “Think of it as a rite of passage in order to become mine. I’ll let you out in a few days. Bear with your hunger. There’s a bathroom here and plenty of drinking water. Just take it easy.”
He left the room. Shiiba heard the door being locked. It made him feel completely isolated from the outside world. As long as he had water, he could make it for a few days. The problem was whether or not he could get out.
But there was no use thinking about it. He had agreed to participate in Godou’s game. He gave up and sat down on the sofa.
As soon as he was alone, exhaustion hit him full-force. He leaned his head on the back of the sofa and looked up at the ceiling. He couldn’t even sigh.
He couldn’t sort out his feelings.
Why was he there?
Had he made the wrong decision?
He had followed Godou because he hadn’t wanted to turn back, but was that really it? Or had he mistakenly thought this was the only choice?
Shiiba started to panic. Not only was his career as a detective in danger, he was also afraid because his freedom had been taken away. He had finally found the man who had killed Yukari, but if he wasn’t careful, Godou might get away. If that happened then Shiiba wouldn’t be able to protect Munechika.
But if he hadn’t made a move, he would’ve regretted it for the rest of his life. When he thought of that, he felt trapped. He had been driven into a corner, and that was why he had parted with Munechika.
He had to punish the person who killed Yukari and he had to protect Munechika. He had thought killing Godou would accomplish both of those goals. If Godou had admitted the truth at Falsare, and if Kiri hadn’t been there, he knew he would have shot the man.
The man who killed Yukari. The man who tried to kill Munechika. Wasn’t it obvious that Godou should die? I have a right to take his life away. If the law won’t do anything about it, I will.
That was what he had thought. But when Godou had said “You don’t want to know the truth, you just want an excuse to kill me”, he didn’t know anymore.
He had felt as if Godou had looked into the bottom of his heart. He couldn’t deny the grain of truth in those words, so he had been confused.
Shiiba had had a definite intent to kill Godou from the beginning. Even if Godou had denied his guilt, Shiiba initially had no intention of believing him. He had just wanted to carry out his goal. He had wanted to kill Godou and put an end to it all. He had wanted everything to be settled. He had been seized by that narrow viewpoint.
His desire to kill had taken charge and run wild. He would kill Godou because he wanted to. That reasoning was equal to cold-blooded murder. Just as Godou had said, no matter what the reason was, a crime was a crime. There was no difference in taking someone’s life either for revenge or for pleasure.
As a human, Shiiba knew that not killing Godou had been the right thing to do. He understood that. But he had still been prepared to exchange his life to fulfill his goal of shooting Godou. And now that he hadn’t done that he was overwhelmed by a sense of frustration and defeat.
He had seriously tried to kill another person. He had stepped over the line and plunged headfirst into the deep darkness.
His heart started to relax. He lost his concentration and his consciousness diffused. He gradually didn’t know what was going on, like he was wandering around in the middle of a deep darkness. His pride was destroyed and he couldn’t gather it up again.
He took the pistol out of his coat pocket. For some reason he felt a sense of security at the cold sensation of the gun.
The pistol had an unrefined design, but it was a heavy SIG P229. He had spent two months’ salary on it and had gotten it from a broker he had come into contact with many times before.
There were those inside the department who bought guns from their own S in order to find out information and to advance their own careers. Shiiba had never gotten involved with a set-up like that, but he understood the desperate feelings of his colleagues.
Nobody wanted to dirty their own hands. But sometimes there were situations you just couldn’t avoid. When a person gets cornered, they’ll do everything they can to protect themselves. Humans are weak creatures, so they tend to flow down the easiest paths.
Shiiba had been self-critical to the point where he became masochistic in nature.
Expectations from the higher-ups. Jealousy from colleagues. Information that could only be gathered by dirtying your hands. Every time he almost lost to those pressures, he just gritted his teeth and went on.
It was the same with Munechika. It was the first time he had met someone he could share everything with. He was so attracted to Munechika it was almost maddening. But he hadn’t wanted his personal feelings to get in the way of doing his job. His heart had been split in two, but he still kept walking forward.
It wasn’t that he knew where he was going or that he had a clear goal. But he just kept telling himself over and over again that he was almost there. But almost there...to where?
Maybe it was just Shiiba encouraging himself to not give up on life. But now it felt like he couldn’t go on. It felt like all he could do was crouch down in one place and rest. Now, he couldn’t even bring himself to think that he was almost there.
If I ended everything, wouldn’t I be at peace?
An almost irresistible temptation crept into Shiiba’s heart.
I’m tired. I’m so tired, I don’t want to think anymore.
I wish I could fall into a deep, deep sleep and never wake up.
Even though he didn’t want to die, Shiiba unconsciously raised the gun. He released the safety and pulled down the hammer with his thumb. He opened his lips and put the muzzle into his mouth. The sensation of the cold, hard metal was very tempting. All he had to do was pull the trigger. If he did that, everything would be over. Everything would be nothingness.
Just then, as the taste of metal spread on his tongue, he felt a strong sense of déjà vu. He wondered what it was, then suddenly remembered...
The night he had first gone to Munechika’s condo, Munechika had shown him his collection of model guns. Shiiba had licked one of Munechika’s pistol to provoke him.
“Should I lick your Beretta like this, too?”
He remembered that that was what he had said. And then Munechika...
Shiiba automatically pulled the pistol from his mouth and smiled.
“Unfortunately, I’m not a Beretta, I’m a Magnum.”
Shiiba remembered that he thought those words sounded like something a dirty old man would say.
What did he mean Magnum? Ridiculous.
He couldn’t stop the laughter that burst out from him. He pushed one hand against his forehead. He realized he was laughing and crying at the same time.
It was no use. He couldn’t end it, yet.
He had told Munechika he would be back and to wait for him. He could still hear Munechika’s voice yelling out, trying to stop him at the hospital.
He couldn’t betray Munechika. He couldn’t break his promise to him.
No matter how painful things might be, they had promised they would be together. He had sworn that he would protect Munechika. So he had to keep his word.
Even if emptiness ate into his heart and he couldn’t see the way out of the darkness.
Don’t betray the man you’ve entrusted your heart and life to.
His cheeks remained wet as he continued to stare at the pistol he clutched in his hand.
He had overcome the urge to kill himself, but living in confinement was hell.
He could bear with his hunger. But the problem wasn’t physical pain, it was his declining mental state.
If he moved around he would get tired, so he just sat still. The television and stereo wires were cut so he couldn’t distract his mind with them. There were no windows in the basement room so he was cut off from all natural light and sounds, and he had no outside stimuli at all. It felt like no time passed at all under the bright fluorescent lights.
It was mental torture as he waited to be released.
He decided he wouldn’t think about anything, but in fact he couldn’t stop thinking. It was the first time Shiiba realized that humans naturally digested and retained everything they saw and heard. When you’re in an environment with no stimuli, your consciousness turns inward and your ego becomes its food.
He was trapped inside of the jail of himself, and all he could do was let his mind wander. His racing thoughts acted like a word association game and he remembered things from his past that had been buried long ago. Every time he remembered something from his childhood, some word would revive another memory.
While he was doing this, he accidentally remembered the moment he found out that Yukari had died. He usually tried not to think about it, so he was surprised that it still felt so fresh in his mind.
He had met a friend at a café near the university. They had been sitting by the window in the very back of the café, where the early summer sun shone on them. It was Shiiba’s reserved seat. After ordering coffee, his cell phone had rung.
“Masaki? It’s me.” It had been Shinozuka’s low voice.
He couldn’t hear him clearly, so Shiiba had pressed his ear up against the phone.
“Oniisan? What’s wrong?” Shiiba had answered in a cheerful voice. He was simply happy that Shinozuka had called him. Shinozuka had given him the cell phone three days earlier as a present for passing the test to become a government official.
“It’s Yukari. Stay calm and listen to me.” A few seconds had passed before he had heard Shinozuka’s voice again. His chest had tightened as he realized Shinozuka’s voice was unusually tense. “Yukari was involved in an accident. She was taken to the hospital. Come to the hospital. But you don’t need to hurry.”
Shiiba only understood what Shinozuka had meant by “you don’t need to hurry” when he was rushing to the hospital morgue. Yukari had already breathed her last.
When he had seen her, a white cloth was over her face. The cool morgue was filled with the smell of incense. Shinozuka’s face was pale. Shiiba couldn’t believe this was real. He had just seen Yukari a few days ago. She had cooked him some food and smiled happily, telling him she was going for a check-up at the doctor the next day.
She had lost her own life and the life of her five-month-old fetus. She was the wife of a bureaucrat, a pregnant woman, who had gotten caught in a gang dispute. She was shot to death, and the shocking incident had caused a stir. Shiiba had been under intense media scrutiny that he barely had time to grieve. During this time he had been given an offer from the police headquarters, and the tabloids even reported that he was on his way to becoming a career-track officer.
Shiiba had been tortured by so many powerful emotions. The anger towards whoever had killed Yukari. Annoyance towards the media who had hounded him out of curiosity. Distrust towards the police, who had accepted the confession of the person who wasn’t responsible, in order to quickly put an end to things. But, the thing that tortured Shiiba most of all, was the strife that was borne between him and the person he had trusted most, Shinozuka.
“There’s nothing I can do,” Shinozuka had answered quietly when Shiiba had asked him if they could reopen the investigation.
Shiiba’s mind wandered from Yukari’s death to Shinozuka himself.
No matter what Shiiba said or how much he tried to probe, Shinozuka never told him how he felt. Shinozuka had cut off all emotions after losing his beloved wife and unborn baby. He had swallowed his hatred and anger, and was still able to smile. He didn’t let anyone see his true feelings.
Shiiba longed for the strength Shinozuka had, but that kind of strength was just too sad.
Shiiba had Munechika. Even if it was painful, he had someone he could give his heart to. But Shinozuka didn’t have anyone. He probably didn’t want to rely or lean on anyone else.
Shiiba hoped that one day Shinozuka would find someone like that.
He had selfishly not wanted his brother-in-law to love anyone but Yukari, but he still couldn’t help wishing for happiness for Shinozuka.
Life was too long to live alone. No matter how strong you were, you needed someone to share your burdens with down the long road ahead.
He wished he could have supported Shinozuka. It was only now that he realized that. If only he had understood Shinozuka sooner. If only he had opened his hardened heart and confronted his feelings head-on.
But Shiiba had met Munechika. And he had chosen to open up to Munechika instead.
At that moment, however, it was Shinozuka’s calm voice that Shiiba wanted to hear so badly. His heart was suddenly filled with a bittersweet affection for Shinozuka that he had never felt before.
Oniisan, what are you thinking about right now?
In Shiiba's mind, Shinozuka’s gentle face kept smiling silently.
As Shiiba thought of Shinozuka, another flood of thoughts rushed in and slowly swallowed him up.
Chapter 3
Godou opened the door and came inside.
Shiiba, still sitting on the sofa, looked at him.
Godou leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed and spoke to Shiiba as if he were calling a dog. “Stand up and come here.”
“Is it all right now?” Shiiba asked in a weak, strained voice.
“Yes. That was a rare experience, wasn’t it? It’s almost impossible to be completely alone in Japan nowadays.”
Shiiba wanted to complain, but it was too much trouble to speak. He was too exhausted to put up any effort. He dizzily followed Godou. Godou showed him to a room that looked like a hotel room. He was told to take a shower and change his clothes.
After washing for the first time in days, he changed into the clothes that had been left for him. Next he was taken to the dining room that was adjacent to the living room. It had a large window, and the view of the sandy beach and the lead-colored ocean spread out in front of his eyes.
The elderly man awaited him in the dining room.
“Master Shiiba, excuse me for not introducing myself sooner. I am Iwanaga. Please tell me if you need anything.”
Shiiba bowed his head slightly. Iwanaga bowed in return and brought in a tray with food on it. There was rice gruel, soup and yogurt.
“Since you’ve been fasting, you should just eat this today.”
Godou sat in the chair across from him and drank some coffee. Shiiba didn’t have an appetite, but quietly ate everything that was presented before him.
“I thought you were the kind of man who would respond more to not being able to do anything,” Godou said in an amused voice, as if he had just made a funny joke. “It seems I was right. Your face looks terrible. Your eyes look like they’re dead.”
“You don’t have to worry, I’ll come back to life soon,” Shiiba answered stubbornly.
But he still felt numb, and he couldn’t feel interested or concerned about anything. He wondered if he had slight post-traumatic stress disorder. He looked at Godou, but didn’t feel anything. It was as if he had forgotten the deep-seated hatred and resentment he felt for the man. That made Shiiba depressed.
He didn’t think a few days of confinement would torture him that much. But he always had masochistic tendencies. It would take a bit of time for his mental health to get back to normal after being eroded by so much self-reflection.
“I hope you will,” said Godou. “It’s not very fun to see you like this. You’re being obedient, but your eyes show your animosity. It would probably have been more enjoyable to put you in a stimulating situation where you didn’t know if you’d be killed in your sleep.”
Shiiba would have preferred that situation, but not to please Godou.
After eating, he moved to the sofa in the living room.
Godou returned Shiiba’s cell phone, saying, “Call Munechika.”
Shiiba had reached his hand out reflexively to take the phone back, but his hand stopped.
Godou grabbed Shiiba’s hand and made him dial Munechika’s number, telling him, “This is what I want you to say: ‘We have to break up. I don’t ever want to see you again.’”
Shiiba forgot to breathe as he stared at Godou, who sat down next to him.
“You’re not a detective anymore, right?” Godou continued. “So you’re finished using your S.”
“Munechika isn’t just my S,” Shiiba retorted.
“I know. He’s your precious Romeo. But in the story Shakespeare wrote, Romeo saw Juliet and thought she was dead, then foolishly drank poison and died. What will happen with you two? Will Munechika believe you or will he see through your lies to your true feelings?”
Godou was testing their relationship and playing with them.
“Now, call him. But you can’t just say it. You have to say it like you mean it. If you don’t...you know what will happen, don’t you?”
Shiiba couldn’t even call Godou a coward. Godou intended to thoroughly torture Munechika. And Shiiba had no choice but to comply.
Shiiba pressed the call button and brought the phone to his ear. Munechika was probably still in the hospital so Shiiba wasn’t sure if the call would go through.
After ringing several times, Munechika answered the phone. “Shiiba?” Shiiba felt a throbbing pain in his chest as he heard the urgency in Munechika’s voice as he said his name. “W-where are you? Where are you calling from?”
“Munechika...I’m sorry,” Shiiba whispered in a strained voice. All he could do was apologize.
“Come back,” Munechika said. “Come back to me right now.”
Shiiba looked at Godou as he listened to Munechika’s voice. Godou was silently ordering him to make it quick.
“Munechika, I’m not coming back. I won’t ever come back to you.”
“Forgive me. I...I have to break up with you. I won’t ever see you again.” Shiiba was heartbroken as Munechika became silent. “If I keep being with you, it’ll be too painful. I can’t stand it anymore. I just want some relief from this. I want to be alone. So we have to break up.”
“Shiiba, what’s going on?” Munechika asked quietly.
“Nothing. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and this is the decision I’ve come to. Just forget about me. I’m hanging up now.”
“Wait, Shiiba! Don’t hang up!”
Shiiba forced the cell phone away from his ear and hung up.
As Godou took the cell phone from his hand, it rang again. It was probably Munechika. Godou turned the phone off with a disinterested expression on his face.
“Are you satisfied now?” Shiiba whispered weakly.
Godou smiled. “Yes. He’s lying in bed right now, stunned.” He stood up from the sofa. “I’m going out for a bit, so you can do whatever you please. I’ll come back tonight.”
“Where’s Kiri?”
“Over there.” Shiiba followed Godou’s gaze and saw Kiri out on the beach. “She loves the ocean. When she comes here she either stares at the ocean or falls asleep somewhere. Even though she usually works like she’s possessed by something, when she’s away from work she barely moves. She’s an interesting woman. By the way, I heard you went to Yoshizawa Iron Works,” Godou suddenly said in casual voice, as if he was trying to confirm a fact, not just digging around for information.
“Did Kiri tell you?” Shiiba asked in return.
Godou nodded silently. “She doesn’t usually care for others, but she seems to have an interest in you.”
Godou didn’t ask why Shiiba had visited the ironworks. He had already guessed what Shiiba was thinking: Shiiba’s instincts were telling him that Godou was behind the illegal firearms leak. But it didn’t look like Godou cared one way or the other. Maybe he was relieved by the fact that Shiiba was no longer a detective or maybe he was looking down on the police force as a whole.
“How do you talk to Kiri?” Shiiba asked.
Godou shrugged, peered into the mirror that hung on the wall and pushed up his bangs. “I can understand what she wants to say by watching her gestures. When it’s necessary she writes things down, but she has bad handwriting, so it’s a pain to read it.”
The possible ringleader of the illegal guns incident was right in front of Shiiba. But now he was no longer a detective, so that fact had nothing to do with him anymore.
Godou smiled in the mirror. “Go play with Kiri. If you’re good while I’m gone, I’ll tell you some stories about Munechika when I get back.”
“I don’t want to hear stories like that,” Shiiba snapped.
He slipped past Godou and left the living room. He headed towards the entryway and went down to the beach. He walked along the shore still feeling irritated.
He wondered what Munechika felt during that phone call. He hoped Munechika realized that that wasn’t how he truly felt. But if Munechika believed it, he was probably mad that he had been betrayed.
Even though Shiiba had done it to protect Munechika, he was mad at himself for not being able to avoid the false break-up. He was powerless in Godou’s hands. Had he always been such a pathetic man? He didn’t have the energy left to stand up to him.
It was hard to walk on the soft sand. He felt dizzy, perhaps because he had moved too quickly. And he was short of breath because he didn’t have much physical strength left.
He stopped for a bit. As the cold, wet, salty breeze whipped around him, he looked up. He hadn’t seen the sun in so long, the brightness hurt his eyes.
Several houses like Godou’s faced the Shonan Sea, as if they were gazing at it. The villas that made up the scenery probably belonged to some very wealthy people.
Kiri was sitting on the beach, wearing a flannel shirt and faded jeans. Her bare, white feet were covered with sand.
“Aren’t you cold?” Shiiba asked as he squatted down beside her, but Kiri shook her head slightly.
She kept letting sand run through her fingers, over and over again. It looked like she enjoyed the feeling. It was like watching a little girl playing in a sandbox.
He watched Kiri for a while, but then he couldn’t keep quiet anymore—so he asked her, “Does your grandfather know you’re here?”
“I’m sure he’s worried if you left without saying anything,” Shiiba added.
He knew that she lived alone with her grandfather. Even though she might think he was meddling, if the old man didn’t know where she was, Yoshizawa would be worried to death.
Kiri wrote in the sand, “I told him.”
“Really? Your grandfather knows you’re with Godou?”
She nodded. Shiiba knitted his brows and fell silent.
Did Yoshizawa really approve of her relationship with Godou? He didn’t think someone who cherished Kiri so much would allow her to get into a relationship with a man like Godou.
Kiri tugged Shiiba’s shirt. It looked like she wanted to ask him something. “Shibano? Shiiba?”
When he had been at Yoshizawa’s place he had called himself Shibano, but Godou had called him Shiiba. Apparently she wanted to know his real name.
“When I’m working I call myself Shibano, but my real name is Shiiba.”
It felt strange to think that he would never use the name Akira Shibano again, the other name he had used for three years. What did the time he had spent as Shibano mean to him?
No matter how much progress he had made, he was never satisfied. He had been part of an organization he didn’t trust and was displeased with, and had immersed himself in his investigations to the point of exhaustion.
Even as he doubted that way of life, the reason he couldn’t quit being a cop was because he wanted to settle his personal grudge with criminals. He had thought that that wasn’t the only reason, but now he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
After what had happened to Yukari, he had abandoned his hopes of becoming a career-track official and decided to face criminals head-on by becoming a non-career track cop. Maybe he had used his job as an excuse to fight crime, and now that he knew Godou could possibly be responsible for Yukari’s death, quitting the force was the obvious choice.
A quiet anger that flowed through his body like blood had been his motivation. Because of that motivation, he had kept on going and come to this point. If he had killed Godou, all that would have been left would be the ashes of his former self.
If he lost his anger, he would have nothing left.
When he thought how empty a person he was, he was seized by so much hopelessness that he felt like his legs had been pulled out from under him.
He distracted himself from his uneasiness and asked Kiri, “Do you like working with lathes?”
She quickly nodded.
He was jealous of her honesty. If someone had asked him if he liked being a detective, he had never responded like that. He had always believed it wasn’t a matter of liking or disliking it.
But he had prayed for the day when he would be able to say he loved his job.
But that prayer had never been answered. He had lost both his pride and his job.
The feeling of emptiness inside him was relentless and beyond his control. He lay down on the sand and looked up. The clear, cloudless blue sky stretched out above him.
He thought that the ocean and the sky were beautiful, but the beauty didn’t resonate with his feelings. The sharp sensation he felt made him depressed.
He looked up at the sky as if he was glaring at it. Kiri started to look up at the sky, too, as if wanting to see what he was looking at.
Shiiba gazed at her profile as she innocently looked up at the sky. What a strange girl, he thought.
She still looked wary, but vulnerable. She never became attached to others, but, in exchange, she was never afraid of others. Her body was so slender it looked like it would break, but he could feel strength from her core.
When he returned to the villa with Kiri, Iwanaga prepared some tea for them.
They were sitting on the sofa and drinking it when he heard a bird chirping from somewhere. There was a stylish bamboo bird cage hanging from a brass stand in the corner of the living room. It was delicately made and certainly didn’t look like a birdcage, but a bird was inside of it.
Kiri opened the door of the bird cage and a small white bird came out. It looked like it was used to humans as it perched on her fingertip.
Kiri returned to the sofa and stared at the bird while softly stroking its head and chest with her finger. The bird didn’t seem to mind at all. It narrowed its eyes with pleasure.
“Miss Kiri is very attached to it,” Iwanaga said to Shiiba as he gathered up the tea cups.
“Is that a Java sparrow?” Shiiba asked. He thought the coloring was a little different than normal Java sparrows. It was pale yellow on the upper part of its head and its stomach.
“I think it might be a cream Java sparrow. About six months ago we found it injured in the yard. It just so happened that Miss Kiri was there at the time. She was so fond of it that we decided to keep it.” Iwanaga gazed at Kiri affectionately for a while, and, after taking away the cups, he came back with a small wrapped package. “Miss Kiri, I have a present for you from Master Takanari.”
Kiri put the bird on her shoulder and opened the package. It was a book.
Shiiba looked at one of the open pages and frowned. There were many pictures of different kinds of pistols on it. It seemed to be an illustrated encyclopedia of sorts. Kiri seemed thrilled by it as she stared at the picture of the anatomy of a gun.
“Are you interested in guns?” Shiiba asked after Iwanaga left. Kiri nodded. “Why?” he asked.
She wrote on his hand, “Because they’re pretty.”
It was a simple answer, but very convincing. Kiri worked with a lathe which could form metal at will. It wouldn’t be strange for her to admire the unique form of a gun and think it beautiful.
So it was Kiri who was making the illegal guns that appeared on the market. Shiiba’s instincts were telling him that.
“Kiri, Godou’s using you. Are you making those because he told you to?”
Kiri shook her head at the question and wrote something on Shiiba’s hand again. “I make them because I want to.”
Maybe she was protecting Godou again, Shiiba thought, saddened. If Kiri was being used by Godou, he wanted to help her. But if she was brainwashed just like Motoaki, she wouldn’t respond to reason.
Regardless, now that he was no longer a detective, he didn’t have the power to save others. When he thought about it realistically, he realized he had his hands full with his own problems.
A man’s voice came from behind them, saying, “What, are you holding hands?”
Shiiba looked up. Munechika’s half-brother, Motoaki Matsukura was standing in the doorway watching them. He was wearing a t-shirt and patting his stomach slowly. His hair was disheveled, and his face, which was full of piercings, looked tired. It looked like had just woken up.
“Are you trying to make a move on her while Godou’s away? I’d stop if I were you, Shiiba. She’s not sexy at all. Even if you ate her, she wouldn’t taste very good.” Motoaki smirked and plopped down on the couch next to Kiri as if he owned the place.
He was still in his mid-twenties, but he was already the boss of the Matsukura Group. Even if he was emotionally inexperienced and troublesome, he was a man with authority.
“What, Kiri, are you looking at another book about pistols?” Motoaki snatched the book out of Kiri’s hands. He talked to her as if she were an idiot. “Well I guess without guns you’d have nothing left. You better hang on to them so Godou doesn’t abandon you.”
Kiri stared at Motoaki, expressionless. Her eyes were cold.
“What? If you got a problem speak up, you prude.” He roughly grabbed Kiri’s chin. The bird flapped its wings, surprised. Without hesitation, Kiri bit Motoaki’s hand. “Damn it! You—!” He pushed her away and she fell to the floor. He raised his hand overhead and Shiiba quickly stood up and grabbed it.
“Don’t be violent,” Shiiba said.
“Shut up,” Motoaki snapped. “Don’t tell me what to do.”
Motoaki shook off Shiiba’s hand and turned his bloodshot eyes to the bird that rested on the back of the sofa. He quickly stretched out his hand and grabbed hold of it. He purposefully turned around to face Kiri. Shiiba had a bad feeling so he tried to stop him, but it was too late. Motoaki covered the bird with both hands, and they all heard a sharp, breaking sound.
“Hey!” Shiiba grabbed Motoaki’s arm.
Motoaki sneered. He pushed the bird into Shiiba’s hand. Its neck was probably broken because its warm body was relaxed and not breathing.
Motoaki looked at Kiri, who looked shocked, and smirked, satisfied. “I was sick and tired of it chirping all the time. Now it’ll be quiet.”
Kiri stood up and held out both hands to Shiiba. He handed the bird over. She held the unmoving thing to her chest and left the living room.
Motoaki plopped down on the couch. “That’s what you get for irritating me.”
“Stop being so cruel,” Shiiba admonished, unable to contain his anger.
Motoaki surely knew how much Kiri loved that bird. He was stunned at Motoaki’s cruelty. Motoaki had killed a living creature like it was a toy.
“When did you get here?” Shiiba asked.
But Motoaki narrowed his eyes, looking bored. “What about you? Why are you here? Are you switching from Keigo to him?”
“That’s not it. I only came here because Godou asked me to.”
“So you’ll just come whenever you’re invited somewhere? Are you stupid? I thought you were a detective, but I guess you’re worse than a no-brained slut who’ll open her legs to anyone. Keigo wasn’t enough for you so you had to go to Godou?”
Apparently Motoaki didn’t know Shiiba had quit his job as a detective, yet.
“I have my own reasons,” Shiiba quietly replied.
Motoaki kicked the table. “What reasons? You just want a man. How low do you have to be, a detective who sleeps with yakuza to gather intelligence? I’ve never seen a whore like you.”
Shiiba didn’t feel angry even though he was being spoken to like that, probably because Munechika had told him about Motoaki’s past. Munechika had been involved with Motoaki’s mother and they had run away together. However, she had committed suicide. Shiiba was sure it had been a huge shock to the young Motoaki. He had been abandoned by the two people most important to him. He had grown up and moved to the head of a large organization with the wounds of betrayal that had never healed. He now faced incredible pressure and had a complex about being constantly compared to his older brother. When Shiiba thought about the pain Motoaki had gone through, he couldn’t bring himself to be angry.
“Don’t say my name like that. I’m not some hoodlum around town. I’m a third generation Matsukura.”
Shiiba brushed off Motoaki’s complaint and continued, “Do you know? Godou’s the one who shot Munechika.”
Motoaki raised his eyebrow. “Huh? What are you talking about? Why would Godou be after Keigo? Some other yakuza idiot did it.”
“No. Godou hired someone to attack Munechika. He made a deal with me that if I became his, he wouldn’t touch Munechika anymore. That’s why I came here.”
After a short silence, Motoaki shook with laughter as if he had just heard a very funny joke.
“He tricked you,” Shiiba added. “Godou lied to you so you’d do what he wanted.”
Motoaki stopped laughing and opened his eyes wide, then he spat out hatefully, “You’re really stupid for a detective.”
Motoaki admired Godou too much, so anything Shiiba said would be useless. Motoaki was also very attached to Munechika. Deep in his heart, he was probably searching for his older brother in Godou.
“Motoaki, I checked this out,” Shiiba explained desperately. “Godou was behind the incident. If you think calmly about the timing and situation, you’ll understand he’s the only one who could have done it. He made you into a puppet that would do anything he wanted, and in doing so he’s blocking the Matsukura Group from making a move. He doesn’t want them in the way so he can keep buying out other groups. Sooner or later, Matsukura will be under Godou’s control, too.”
But the explanation didn’t get through to Motoaki. It just made him angrier. “Shut up. Don’t stick your butt into our world like you know what’s going on! Godou understands me more than anyone! I wouldn’t let someone use me.” He grabbed the book that was on top of the sofa and hurled it at Shiiba.
No matter how much Shiiba tried to warn him, he knew Motoaki trusted Godou and was blindly devoted to him. Shiiba had no choice but to just shut his mouth.
“Godou told me not to lay a hand on you. But if you keep this shit up, I won’t be able to hold myself back. I can’t stand looking at you!” Motoaki stood up in anger, opened the door with all his strength and left the room.
Chapter 4
Godou returned at about nine o’clock. He had two subordinates with him, but they soon retired to the back room of the mansion. Apparently they weren’t allowed to wander around.
Shiiba returned to his room and took a shower. Godou called him from an extension phone and told him to join him for a drink.
Shiiba went downstairs and, as he approached the living room, he heard someone fighting so he stopped. He brought his ear close to the door and listened.
“Don’t make me say it again,” Motoaki was saying in an agitated voice. “I’m telling you, he’s dangerous. He acts like he’s all quiet, but he’s a detective out to get us!”
“It doesn’t matter if he knows,” Godou said calmly.
“What are you talking about? What are you going to do with Kiri? Shiiba already knows about the guns.”
“Probably.”
“No, not probably! Come on, Godou. Stop this. Stop getting involved in such dangerous business deals.”
“It’s not business. It’s my hobby.”
“If you love guns so much, I’ll use the plant in the Philippines. You can make as many guns there as you want. You don’t need to leave everything to a kid like that.”
“Motoaki, the thing that’s the most important to me right now is putting the guns Kiri makes out on the market. They’re the best. If I wanted to make a lot of money I’d sell mass-produced guns.”
After a bit of silence, Motoaki said in a whining voice, “I don’t understand you.”
“You don’t have to. I understand you, that’s enough.”
“What’s enough? The thing with Kiri and now Shiiba? You’re too selfish. Why don’t you ever listen to my opinion?”
“I know that you’re worried about me. When it comes down to it, all I have is you. You know that, right?”
Motoaki seemed calmed by Godou’s words, as if all of his doubts had vanished. Godou had cleverly plucked out all the seeds of distrust that had sprouted within the younger man and taken care of it.
It had grown quiet inside, so Shiiba knocked on the door. As soon as Motoaki saw Shiiba, he made an irritated face and sat down on the edge of the sofa.
Godou and Shiiba faced the window. Godou opened his white shirt a little and drank some brandy with a relaxed attitude. Then he looked like he suddenly remembered something and left the living room.
When he returned, he was holding a small box. “I got this today. Isn’t it beautiful?”
He set it on the table and Shiiba saw that it was a specimen box. He looked at the butterfly with its wings spread inside and his eyes widened.
It was a large butterfly with vivid blue wings. The color was a peculiar metallic blue. He had never seen such a beautiful butterfly before.
Godou traced his finger along the glass and quietly explained, “It inhabits Central and South America. It’s a Morpho butterfly, sometimes called the most beautiful butterfly in the world. Some people call it a living jewel or a flying jewel. It’s such a beautiful blue color, but interestingly enough, the wings itself aren’t blue. This butterfly’s scales have a complex structure that only reflect light from the blue wavelength. It has a structural color like a jewel beetle or the feathers of a peacock.”
Shiiba was fascinated by the beautiful wings, but he suddenly realized something. When he looked closely, there was something strange about the butterfly.
“It only has a head,” he said.
The butterfly’s abdomen was missing. That was why its wings had looked so much larger.
“Is this another one of your weird hobbies?” he added.
All the butterfly specimens he had seen at Godou’s condo only had one wing each. Godou had gone through the trouble of plucking one wing from each butterfly.
“I didn’t do it,” Godou answered. “I bought this from a specimen dealer. This butterfly has a lot of oil in its abdomen and when it dies the oil seeps out, which takes away the beauty of its wings. So when specimens of Morpho butterflies are collected, they’re usually scooped out from the head down.”
In order to preserve its beauty, it had to have its abdomen cut. It was a cruel story.
“That’s cruel,” Shiiba murmured to himself. “They weren’t born to please the eyes of humans.”
Godou immediately replied, “Really? I think this butterfly is happy. Butterflies have short lives, so now that it’s a specimen its beautiful figure can continue to exist. This butterfly eats disgusting things like liquid from rotten fruit and moisture from animal excretions. It eats dirty things and oil accumulates in its abdomen. It fascinates people with its beauty. If it didn’t have these scales, it would just be an ordinary moth with brown wings.” Godou leaned against the sofa and propped his elbow up. “I’m not interested in things that are just beautiful. I’m strongly attracted to things that are beautiful on the outside, but ugly and distorted on the inside. If you became a little more ugly on the inside, you’d be more beautiful, too.”
Shiiba had a bad feeling in his stomach.
“Get down on your knees and kiss my foot,” Godou calmly ordered as he uncrossed his legs.
Shiiba wrinkled his forehead. “Screw you.”
“You belong to me. You have no right to say no,” Godou said calmly. Shiiba gritted his teeth. No matter how ridiculous the request was, he had to obey. He got off the sofa and knelt on the ground. Godou held his right foot out to him. “Kiss my shoe.”
Motoaki sat up and glared at Shiiba with a stabbing look in his eyes.
“Come on,” Godou’s voice murmured. “Try to kiss the foot of the man you hate. I want you to feel humiliated.”
Shiiba held his breath and slowly lowered his head.
Godou’s polished, expensive-looking shoe came closer to his face.
Shiiba tightened his lips and pushed them to the tip of the shoe.
The black flame inside of him flickered. It only happened for a moment. He willed the flame deeper inside of himself and shut it out. There was no meaning to this act. He turned off his emotions and answered all of Godou’s requests.
“Your true self hasn’t returned yet, hmm?” Godou grabbed Shiiba’s chin and made him look up. “Even if you’re on a chain, don’t hide it. Don’t disappoint me.” Godou turned away from Shiiba and looked at Motoaki. “Motoaki, how long are you staying here? The guys from Matsukura don’t know where you are, right?”
“I’m keeping in contact every day,” Motoaki answered petulantly. “Ever since Keigo got shot, they’ve been hounding me. When I’m at home they even keep watch while I’m taking a piss. I can’t stand it.”
“Because you’re the boss. You can stay as long as you like, but don’t tell anyone about this place. It’s my special hiding place.” Godou gulped down his brandy and looked at Motoaki meaningfully. “I heard you killed the bird while Kiri was watching.”
“Yeah. What about it?” Motoaki looked back at Godou challengingly.
Motoaki scoffed. “What? You’re not going to make me kiss your shoe, too, are you? Get real.”
“Stand in front of me,” Godou commanded.
Motoaki stood sulkily in front of Godou. Godou slowly hugged Motoaki’s hips, bringing the younger man close.
“W-what are you—?” Motoaki stammered.
“You’re a bad boy,” said Godou. “You’re really a handful.”
Godou stroked Motoaki slowly and then dropped his hand into Motoaki’s pocket. When he brought it back out, he was gripping a silver butterfly knife. He quickly popped open the blade. Motoaki held his breath as Godou ran the blade over his wrist. Godou’s movements were smooth and without hesitation.
“Ugh!” A red line appeared on Motoaki’s palm and blood trickled down from it. Motoaki tried to pull his hand away, but Godou wouldn’t let him.
“When little boys are bad, they need to be punished,” Godou murmured in a gentle voice as he ran the knife over Motoaki’s hand again.
Motoaki’s face turned pale as he saw the cross etched on his palm. He dropped to his knees. “Ahhh...”
Godou knelt down and put his arm around Motoaki. “Don’t you feel better now that I’ve punished you, Motoaki?” he whispered as if he were hypnotizing Motoaki, gently stroking Motoaki’s hair. “You were a bad boy and that’s why you were abandoned. Left behind. You were probably so lonely, weren’t you? I know you want to be a good boy. If you’re a good boy, no one will ever leave you again. They won’t treat you like you’re in the way. But no matter how much you try, you can’t be good. So when you’re scolded, you feel like you’ve managed to be just a little bit good and you feel happy. I understand that. I’ll scold you whenever you like. This pain is necessary.”
Godou softly kissed Motoaki’s forehead, put the knife on the floor and calmly left the room as if nothing had happened.
Motoaki clutched his bloody hand, bearing the pain. Shiiba looked around and picked up the cloth that had been on the table, folded it and wrapped it around Motoaki’s hand. The cuts weren’t deep, but since it was in the shape of a cross it didn’t look like it would stop bleeding anytime soon.
“Put some antiseptic on it later,” Shiiba advised.
“Leave me alone.” Motoaki pushed Shiiba’s hand away as he went back to the sofa. “Stop staring at me like that,” he snapped, glaring with bloodshot eyes.
“Why are you with Godou?” Shiiba asked. “Doesn’t it bother you that he treats you like that?”
Godou had just told Motoaki he had been abandoned because he had been a bad boy. No matter how you thought about it, Godou was definitely referring to when Munechika had run off with Motoaki's mother. Godou was controlling Motoaki by exploiting the wounds in his heart.
Motoaki scowled. “Shut up. I can do whatever I want! What about you? You’re the fool here. I thought you had more of a backbone.”
Shiiba couldn’t help feeling sad for him. Motoaki was attacking others to forget his own feelings.
“I’d lick the bottom of Godou’s shoes if it meant I could protect Munechika,” Shiiba said seriously. He was surprised by his own words. He sounded like a loser. Then he realized something for the first time: no matter how humiliated he was, there was something more important to him than his pride. There was someone more important to him than himself. And that was Munechika.
He had always been fighting for himself all this time. He had desperately tried to protect himself. But now he was fighting to protect Munechika.
A strong light returned to Shiiba’s eyes.
Godou hadn’t defeated him, yet. Even if he wasn’t a detective anymore, he would take Godou head-on. He was finally able to decide on that course of action.
“Godou won’t lay a hand on Keigo. Why don’t you wake up and see that?” Motoaki said in an annoyed voice and turned his face away from Shiiba’s.
“You’re the one who needs to wake up.” Shiiba stared at Motoaki’s profile and said vehemently, “Motoaki, I’m going to fight Godou for what I believe in. No matter how unsightly or pathetic I look while I’m doing it, I won’t lose to him. Don’t run away. Fight. Go see Munechika and face your true feelings.”
“Shut up!” Motoaki gripped his glass and threw it on the floor as hard as he could. Shards of glass exploded around them. “Who do you think you are? You’re just some detective who was using Keigo. Stop acting like you’re his lover. It makes me sick. If anyone finds out he’s been cooperating with you, he’s done for. Do you think getting your finger cut off isn’t a big deal? If you really care about Keigo, you’ll never get near him again.”
What Motoaki was saying made sense. Until now, Shiiba had used Munechika. Looking back on it, he had given his body, but that wasn’t just an excuse. He had wanted to have sex with Munechika. From the moment he had longed for Munechika, their relationship as just a detective and an S had failed. But Shiiba had thought that they would be able to make it, so they had continued on with their dangerous tightrope walk.
“Who are you to lecture me?” Motoaki said with an angry look on his face. “You have no business talking about Keigo and I!” He stood up just as his cell phone rang. He took it out of his pocket. He didn’t move his left hand, which probably still hurt from getting cut. He looked a little restricted just working with one hand. “It’s me. Oh, it’s you, Tsuchii? What do you want? How am I supposed to know? Huh? I told you, I don’t know! I’m only the boss in name, you know. Just take care of it. I won’t be home for a while. What? Well just send someone else!”
Shiiba watched as Motoaki talked harshly on the phone. The young man was clearly impatient again. He moved forward without looking back on the things that were painful to him. He left the room still talking on the phone.
Shiiba felt suddenly sad. He stood up and went out to the terrace. He saw white waves cresting again and again in the dark sea. He felt the cold sea breeze on his face as he leaned against the wall. He saw something move from the corner of his eye. There was a spider web above his head. A moth was stuck in it. It was powerless, caught in the spider’s thread.
No matter how much it struggled, it couldn’t get away. It couldn’t be free.
Shiiba let out a dry laugh as he thought it was just like him and Motoaki.
The next day, Godou left again in the afternoon. It seemed he was attending to non-yakuza business. From some phone conversations he had overheard, Shiiba gathered that Godou owned a real estate and investment business.
When Godou left, Motoaki hopped in a black Fairlady Z and went off somewhere. Apparently he had driven from Tokyo to the villa by himself. It seemed likely that he had taken the chance to run away from home when he thought none of his underlings were around.
Munechika was an illegitimate child, but he was the oldest son. He was also the young head counselor of the Matsukura Group. Such an important member of the family had been shot, so the group must be having a rough time. Motoaki had run to Godou to escape reality. If this situation continued, Motoaki would lose his position as the boss of the group.
Shiiba wasn’t being watched within the villa and he could move around as he pleased. No one stopped him if he went outside.
Just to see what would happen, he acted like he was going to walk down to the beach. He got pretty far from the villa with no one chasing after him, not even Iwanaga. If he felt like it, he could run away anytime. But he couldn’t leave there yet.
He wanted to protect Munechika, but he had to find out the truth from Godou first. He wanted to hear the truth of the situation involving Yukari from Godou’s own lips. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be able to move forward.
After returning from the beach, he saw Kiri sleeping, curled up in a ball on the sofa in the living room. Her sleeping face looked innocent.
“Master Shiiba, is anything wrong?” a quiet voice asked as he watched Kiri sleeping from the hallway. He turned around and saw Iwanaga standing there. The old man was holding a blanket.
“No. Is that for Kiri?” he asked, looking at the blanket.
Iwanaga smiled, his eyes crinkling as he nodded. Shiiba moved away from the door and let Iwanaga into the room. The old man put the blanket over Kiri. It was like watching a grandfather fussing over his granddaughter.
Shiiba thought of Tokujuurou Yoshizawa and felt sad. He wondered if the old man knew Godou was using his granddaughter.
Iwanaga shut the door and returned to stand beside Shiiba. He softly said to Shiiba, “Miss Kiri loves that sofa.”
“Have you been with Godou for a long time now, Iwanaga-san?” Shiiba asked.
“Yes. I’ve served him since he was a young boy.”
It sounded like he knew Godou very well. Shiiba found it hard to believe that that disgusting man had once been an innocent child.
“Were you in the Togetsu Syndicate, then?” Shiiba asked.
“That’s correct. Well, I wasn’t a member, I was a servant. I worked at Master Takanari’s uncle, Master Mitsunari’s house. After I got older I was allowed to retire, but after Master Takanari returned from his stay overseas, he invited me to work here.”
Shiiba sighed inwardly. The old man wasn’t a regular employee after all. He couldn’t understand Godou.
“If you have any questions, please ask me,” Iwanaga said. “I’m sure I can answer anything you want to know about Master Takanari.”
The words reminded Shiiba of Godou telling Motoaki he didn’t care what Shiiba found out.
“I can ask you anything?” Shiiba asked.
“Yes, anything,” Iwanaga answered, standing up straight.
“I’ve heard that Godou lived at his uncle’s house, the Togetsu Syndicate. Why?”
After a pause, Iwanaga spoke. “Master Takanari’s mother was Mistress Sayoko. His uncle, Master Mitsunari, was the boss of the group and was very fond of his younger sister. Mistress Sayoko was unmarried when she gave birth to Master Takanari. She was in poor health, so she stayed at the main house and raised Master Takanari there. He and Mistress Sayoko lived there under Master Mitsunari’s protection until he turned eighteen. But after Mistress Sayoko passed away, he left the mansion and lived by himself.”
Iwanaga explained everything without hesitation, and Shiiba didn’t find anything strange in his story. However, something bothered him.
“But the boss had two sons, right? Did Godou get along with his cousins?”
Iwanaga’s expression changed slightly at Shiiba’s question. “No. Unfortunately, they didn’t have a very good relationship. Master Mitsunari doted on Master Takanari. His two sons were not fond of that fact.”
“What about Mitsunari’s wife?”
“She was the same. Master Mitsunari treasured Mistress Sayoko and her son so much, she resented them both. She was especially harsh to Master Takanari. Of course she was careful to do so outside of Master Mitsunari’s view.”
“So in other words, he was bullied behind Mitsunari’s back.”
Iwanaga nodded. “I can’t tell you more details about it since it’s a personal embarrassment of the family I serve, but I know Master Takanari went through some tough times. Master Mitsunari was often away from the house and Mistress Sayoko was locked up by herself, so all the attacks were directed towards Master Takanari. He never said anything because he didn’t want to cause trouble for his mother. He’s a very strong person.”
When he thought of Godou now, Shiiba couldn’t imagine the man not reacting to an attack. He couldn’t believe Godou would do that even for his mother.
“Why did his relationship with Mitsunari break down?” he asked.
“After all that happened, Master Takanari just wanted to get away from the house. So as soon as Mistress Sayoko passed away, he did so. No matter how many times Master Mitsunari reached out to him, he never came back.”
Shiiba could guess what kind of bad feelings Godou must have had about being brought up in that kind of environment, but he just wasn’t satisfied. There was something about Iwanaga’s explanation that he wasn’t entirely convinced of.
Yukari was killed because she had been caught in a dispute between the Togetsu Syndicate and the Koujin Association. But why had Godou gotten involved in his uncle’s dispute? Shiiba didn’t understand the motive. Munechika had said something before, but Shiiba couldn’t believe Godou would purposefully go after people from the Koujin Association just because he hated his uncle.
Shiiba had held so much conviction about Godou being the one responsible for the incident, but now his feelings wavered. Was it useless to dig up information about Godou? He could only get at the surface.
There was a reason Godou was such a cruel man. Maybe Shiiba needed to do a more thorough investigation to find out why. If he searched, maybe he would find it...
But he didn’t know what he should do. He didn’t know what move to make in this situation.
The truth was all inside Godou’s heart. But even if Shiiba was right next to the man, he couldn’t touch Godou’s heart.
Chapter 5
Godou returned home at night and gave Kiri a beautiful dress as a present. It looked as if it was from an expensive designer, but Shiiba didn’t know much about fashion so he wasn’t sure.
“Try it on,” Godou suggested from his place on the sofa. Kiri began to change right there on the spot. She didn’t seem to mind that there were others in the room. Shiiba didn’t know where to look, so he turned his face away.
“Sit here.” Godou patted his own knee and Kiri sat down obediently. “Aren’t those kinds of clothes nice every once in a while? You look beautiful no matter what you wear.”
Kiri didn’t look happy or troubled. She just stared back at Godou with an expressionless look on her face.
Godou gently caressed her long hair as if Kiri was a doll he was fond of. It looked like they had a physical relationship, but the way he touched her wasn’t sexual. It almost looked like he was soothing her. But no matter how many things he gave Kiri, they never had much effect on her. Godou dressed Kiri up for his own satisfaction.
“Don’t you like it?” Godou asked.
Kiri nodded to show her appreciation, and Godou rested his head on her shoulder.
Motoaki entered the living room with a can of beer in his hand. “Playing dress-up again?” His steps looked unsteady, as if he had drunk quite a lot already. A white bandage was wrapped around his left hand. “Those clothes don’t look good on a laborer like you. Take it off.” He snickered and roughly tugged on Kiri’s sleeve.
Kiri stood up and pushed Motoaki away. She didn’t do it very strongly, but since he was drunk, he fell on his butt to the floor.
“Motoaki, leave Kiri alone,” Godou ordered. “Kiri, go to your room.”
After Kiri left, Motoaki still sat on the floor, looking up at Godou suspiciously. “Godou, how long do you plan on keeping Shiiba here?” he asked in a sharp voice.
“Shiiba’s my pet dog. If you don’t like it, you can try to drive him out. But you have to think of a way that won’t force him out. He has to leave voluntarily.” Godou poured some brandy in his glass. The amber liquid rolled over the ice cubes. He lifted the glass and took a sip, and then looked down at Motoaki. “Do you want to have sex with him?”
“What did you say?” Motoaki and Shiiba yelped, surprised. They stared at Godou.
“You can come with a man, too, can’t you?” Godou said, his eyes filled with anticipation. “Don’t you want to see what kind of man your brother has had sex with? Wouldn’t that make you happy?” Shiiba and Motoaki exchanged glances. “Right, Shiiba? This will be the best test for you. This is a different kind of humiliation than kissing my shoe. Can you take it?”
Another test. In other words, Godou was testing how strong his feelings for Munechika were.
“If you can’t, you can always run away,” Godou taunted.
Shiiba didn’t look away from Godou’s gaze. The night Godou had coerced Shiiba into having sex with Munechika in front of Godou himself had deeply hurt Shiiba. It had made Shiiba distrust not only Godou, but also Munechika. Shiiba knew Munechika had hated it, even as he made that mortifying decision.
But this couldn’t even compare to that. Having sex with Munechika was special to Shiiba. Anything else was just physical contact, so he could cut off all emotions—embarrassment, pleasure and pain—and bear it.
“I won’t run away,” he answered without hesitation. “I’ll do whatever you tell me to do.”
Godou nodded slightly. “Sounds good. Motoaki, play with him.”
Motoaki reluctantly stood up and leaned over Shiiba. Shiiba didn’t falter, but stared right back into Motoaki’s dark eyes.
Motoaki roughly tore open Shiiba’s shirt. The buttons flew off and Shiiba’s bare chest was exposed.
“What, you’re not scared? This is boring,” Motoaki whispered in a low voice. His breath reeked of alcohol. “Don’t tell me you’re a prude like Kiri?” He smiled and grabbed Shiiba’s necklace, drawing him closer. He wrenched his wrists up and wrapped the chain around Shiiba’s neck. Shiiba strained against the pressure. “So how do you like to be fucked? Tell me. I’ll do it however you want.”
“...Brother,” Shiiba said in a hoarse voice, and Motoaki said, “What did you say?”
“I said, ask your brother,” Shiiba said clearly, changing the subject to the problem between Motoaki and Munechika. “He knows everything about me. You’re brothers, so why don’t you call him up and ask him? If you’re serious, I’m sure Munechika will give you some tips.”
“You bastard.” Motoaki’s eyes widened as he forced Shiiba up with his necklace. Shiiba’s body floated for a second, but the necklace couldn’t stand his weight and it snapped.
“Motoaki, who’s the most important person to you?” Shiiba murmured.
“Shut up! Stop saying the same things over and over again like some idiot.” Motoaki turned around and yelled, “Godou! How am I supposed to get hard with this bastard?”
“Make him suck on it,” Godou suggested. “I want to see Shiiba violating you.”
“No thanks.” Motoaki gazed at Godou with sharp eyes. “I’ll cut him with my knife, but I’m not gonna have sex with him for your enjoyment. Don’t make a fool out of me, too,” he spat, and left the living room.
“Oh, I’m sooo disappointed,” Shiiba said coldly.
“That man...” Godou said, smiling. “I thought it was so cute how he’d snap at anyone, but he needs to learn who his owner is.”
Shiiba gazed at Godou as the man drank his brandy.
“What? Do you want to say something?” Godou prompted.
“What is your relationship with Kiri?” Shiiba asked.
“You’re really interested in her, aren’t you?” Godou questioned back. “Why don’t you try having sex with her?”
This again? Shiiba thought and sighed loudly.
“Some things can’t be understood by just looking at them. You’re not a coward, but you have the personality where you can’t go forward unless you’re sure of something. You’re too serious, but I’m sure you know that already.”
“Is it that fun to take off a man’s clothes?”
Godou smiled slightly and pushed back his bangs. “If you think it’s unfair that I’m peeling off layers of yours, why don’t you try to take off my clothes? I’ve almost got you naked now.”
“You think I’d ever let you see me naked again?”
Godou tilted his head and smiled, throwing him a meaningful look. “You’re like a beast on a chain, always on edge. You have wild instincts, but you live your life acting like a loyal dog. You’re afraid to rip the chain off. Even though you know it would come off if you just bit through it, you stop yourself because you know you’re not supposed to.”
“What you’re saying is too abstract,” Shiiba complained. “Can’t you say it in simpler terms?”
“There’s a conflict constantly fighting inside of you,” Godou continued. “Sense and instinct. Wild and calm. Love and hate. Trust and distrust. True feelings and excuses. A yielding heart and a careless heart. I can’t believe you haven’t gone crazy. Is it because you’re strong? No. The reason you can hold on to your sanity is because you’re warped. You’re sick.”
“Don’t compare me to yourself,” Shiiba snapped. “I’m not a perfect person, but at least I’m sane.”
“Would a sane person try to shoot and kill someone else? Shiiba, is Munechika that important to you?” Shiiba tensed up as Godou brought up Munechika again. “Is it because he helped your investigation? Or because you love him? And don’t be greedy and say ‘both.’”
Shiiba evaded Godou’s mean-spirited question. “Unfortunately I’m a greedy person, so I want all of him to myself. I wouldn’t even give a fragment of him to you.”
Shiiba had vowed he wouldn’t love Munechika.
As long as he was a detective, he had vowed he wouldn’t love Munechika.
But now it was meaningless to be that cautious. He had already crossed that line.
“I can understand why you’re attracted to Munechika,” Godou mused. “I was, too. He bargains, but he’s never calculating. He might hide his true feelings, but he doesn’t lie. He’s heartless while still having deep feelings. He’s so complex, but he’s not dragged down by negative feelings. He’s in between light and darkness, but he never wavers between the two. People like him are rare. Usually people would choose one or the other. That’s why I wanted him and got him.”
“But he ran away from you, didn’t he?” Shiiba said, glaring. But Godou just smiled. Shiiba wanted to see him get angry. He wanted Godou to take off his mask so Shiiba could see Godou’s true feelings. “I bet you were frustrated when he ran away. You probably hate him so much because he wouldn’t do what you wanted him to do. So that’s why you won over Motoaki and are trying to get even with Munechika. Am I wrong?”
He wasn’t sure if Godou was angry, but the man cleared his throat and kept smiling.
“Keep it coming,” Godou said. “I want you to make me feel like Munechika does when you invite him to bed. If you can make me hard, I’ll tell you the truth you want to know.”
Shiiba understood that Godou was speaking figuratively, but it actually felt like they were in bed and bargaining. He wasn’t sexually excited, but he felt moved by Godou’s gaze and voice.
“You said I’m warped, but what about you?” Shiiba continued. “From my point of view, you’re crazy. You’re completely screwed in the head.”
“I agree,” said Godou. “I am crazy. I know that. I was born a one-winged butterfly.”
A one-winged butterfly. Shiiba thought of the eerie specimen of the butterfly with its wing spread out.
“One-winged butterflies long to be like other butterflies with both wings, because they have something one-winged butterflies lack. But even though one-winged butterflies long for them, they’re jealous of those butterflies with two wings. They’re so jealous of how beautiful the other butterflies look when they fly around.” Godou drank the last of his brandy and looked at Shiiba with his dark eyes. “I was cursed by my own fate when I was born. I crawled on the bare earth. I looked up at the sky and prayed so much for my other wing to grow it almost made me crazy. But my wish never came true and my hopelessness only grew deeper. But then when I became an adult, I realized there was no reason for me to change. Now I grab the butterflies that fly elegantly in front of me, pluck off one of their wings and make them look like me. It calms me. I just surround myself with one-winged butterflies like myself.”
Shiiba grew suspicious. Godou said he was born a one-winged butterfly, but he was good-looking and had money and authority, but still he had such a deep-seated complex? He wondered if it had something to do with Godou’s life at Mitsunari Godou’s house.
“I think you’re a one-winged butterfly, too,” Godou continued. “You long for your missing wing and you walk the earth holding on to your hatred of the one who stole it. I can understand your pain. I’m sure you just want to be free. You’re already pushing your limit at whatever binds you, aren’t you? Then just throw away your past. Become a chrysalis again and be reborn anew. If that’s what you want, it’s not impossible. I’m the same way. I threw away everything and for the first time I was free. You just have to live how you want, regardless of common sense and morals and conventions.”
Shiiba sat there listening to Godou’s words and hypnotic voice. He felt as if he was being caught up in them, as if Godou was putting a spell on him.
“It’s painful to face yourself,” Godou went on. “But as soon as you know the problem, you can think of a way to solve it. If you turn away from the things you don’t want to see, nothing will change. You need to be more honest with yourself.”
“Enough,” Shiiba interrupted him. “I’ve heard enough.” It felt like he was getting advice from a counselor or something. He couldn’t stand Godou telling him how he should feel.
“You don’t have to be so scared of me,” said Godou. “I want to know more about you. We’re alike in so many ways. I want to strip you naked and look inside of you. I want to know what your blood tastes like. I’m sure it tastes the same as mine.”