Bonus Track: The Life of a Light Novelist

This bonus track is a rewriting of the drama CD included with the deluxe edition of A Sister’s All You Need., Vol. 4 in Japan. Some of the dialogue has been edited and differs slightly from the original CD. Also note that this work remains a work of fiction and has no relation to any actual person or organization. Thank you.

1

“Grahhhhh, this is going nooowherrrree!!”

It was mid-evening as Itsuki, staring at the PC on his desk, suddenly shouted into the night.

“Um, are you okay, Bro?” Chihiro worriedly called out from the kitchen as he prepared dinner.

“Nnh, yeah,” came the flat reply. “Don’t worry, Chihiro. Having writer’s block like this happens to people all the time.”

“Oh? That doesn’t sound too okay to me…”

“No, he’s fine,” chimed in Nayuta from under the kotatsu table. “No matter how much pain it takes to get there, as long as you make the deadline, it’s all good.”

“Ha-ha-ha! Exactly, Kanikou! No need to panic yet…so I’m wrapping up work for today!”

“Great, Itsuki! Would you like to have our customary quickie in bed before dinner?”

“When have we ever done that?!” Itsuki shouted, cheeks reddening a bit.

Nayuta just gave him a sly grin. “Hee-hee! You know, it’s funny to think that there are people who figure you and I really do have that kind of relationship already.”

“You’re making no sense!” interjected Miyako, facing Nayuta on the other side of the table. “Why do you think it’s okay to say those things, Nayu? C’mon, it’s your turn.”

The two of them had been playing a wealth of board games since the afternoon. Agricola, Ghosts, Let’s Catch the Lion, Patchwork, Lost Cities, Battle Line, Blue Moon Legends… They ran the gamut from easy-breezy to intense experiences, and all of them were best suited for two players.

“Aw, I’m getting bored of playing against you, Myaa… I’m at seven wins in a row, right?” Nayuta rolled her eyes.

“Wh-what’s that matter?” Miyako countered, ashamed. “Let’s at least play until I win a game!”

“Nyaaah…”

Itsuki cut in. “You’re losing big again today? You really suck at games.”

“Oh, thanks a lot, Itsuki! I’m just not very good at these strategic games…like, where you have to guess at your opponent’s moves and stuff! I’d do a lot better in other kinds of games!”

“Heh. You think…?”

“I don’t think you’re much better at competitive games like that,” Chihiro pointed out.

“Nnh… That, that’s not true…” Itsuki grumbled.

Then the doorbell rang.

“Oh, you want me to get it?”

“No, lemme see who it is,” Itsuki told his brother. “’Cause if it’s my editor, you’ll have to pretend I’m not here.”

“Bro, are you sure your work is all right…?”

Itsuki peered through the front-door peephole.

“Umm…” But the person outside was not an editor. It was his author friend Haruto Fuwa. “Phew, it’s just Haruto.” He breathed a sigh of relief as he opened the door.

“What’s up, Itsuki?”

“Heya.”

“Don’t mind me,” Haruto replied as he entered the apartment. “…Oh, the gang’s all here tonight, huh? Well, perfect.”

“Perfect how?” Miyako asked.

“I just bought a new board game today, and it’s supposed to be best for five players. Wanna try it now?”

“Ooh, nice,” Itsuki instantly replied. “Let’s do it.”

“Um, what about work…?” Chihiro ventured.

“Work? What work? Oh no, I must have amnesia, I can’t remember a thing…”

“Come on, Bro…,” Chihiro said with dismay.

Nayuta countered with a smile. “It’s no big deal. He’s just taking a break.”

“Right, exactly! Mental breaks like this are important,” Itsuki enthusiastically agreed.

“…Besides,” Nayuta added, “procrastinating on work to play board games makes it all the more fun.”

“There’s no saving you guys,” Miyako moaned.

2

“Right, so here’s what we’re playing.”

Haruto removed the game from his paper bag. It landed on the table with an audible thump, a large rectangular cardboard box with artwork of manuscript sheets and the title “THE LIFE OF A LIGHT NOVELIST” in big letters.

“The Life of a Light Novelist…? What a weirdly specific title. The packaging looks really cheap, too.” Itsuki wrinkled his nose.

Haruto nodded. “Yeah, it’s probably one of those games that was made by one guy in his bedroom. It was covered in dust on the game-store shelf when I ran into it. I figured it must’ve been crap, but with a title like that, I couldn’t help but invest in it…”

“I definitely understand,” Nayuta replied. “Even if a game looks outrageously bad, I can’t resist giving it a shot. Usually I stick with digital games, though.”

“Yeah. And then you play it once, and it’s like, ‘Why the hell did I spend money on this?’ It’s the circle of life.”

“…You don’t have to lower my expectations that much before we play,” Itsuki interjected, slightly miffed.

“So what kind of game is it?”

At Chihiro’s bidding, Haruto took out the instruction booklet.

“Hmm… Ah. Um, ‘This game allows players to experience the life of a light novel writer.’”

“What does experiencing that in a game do for you?” Itsuki asked.

“I’m enjoying it enough in real life,” Nayuta added.

Chihiro seemed a little excited. “Oh, I might be kinda interested… Like, what it’s like to be a writer?”

“Um… ‘Players make multiple branching decisions along the way as they write novels, earn money, and eke out a living as a professional author. Players win by collecting Happiness Points and becoming happy by the end of the game.’ …All right, so it’s kind of like The Game of Life and stuff. Roll the dice, move your peg, and navigate the forks in the path. There’s a few other special rules, but we can figure ’em out as we play.”

“Wow… If it’s a game like that, maybe even I have a chance to win!” Miyako’s eyes lit up.

“…Well, ready to play?” Haruto opened up the rest of the box, taking out the game board, player pegs, money cards, and so forth. “Each player starts with half a million yen and zero Happiness Points,” he said as he dealt out the money cards.

“The object is to collect Happiness Points, not money?” Itsuki asked.

“How realistic,” Nayuta muttered sagely. “Money really can’t buy happiness.”

The prep work complete, Haruto placed all the pegs on the starting square. “I guess we’re supposed to play in the order of our ages.”

“So…Chihiro, Kanikou, me, Miyako, and Haruto?”

“Off you go, Chihiro,” Nayuta said.

Chihiro picked up a die. “All right… Oh, wait, there’s already a branch at the start point. ‘You must place an entry in a new-author competition to become a professional writer. Select which competition you want to enter before rolling the die.’”

“Oooh, so we don’t start out as pros?”

“…Um, so Choice A is the event run by industry big-shot Lightning Books. The prize is one million yen. Choice B is mid-tier GM Bunko’s competition. The prize is two million yen. Choice C is new label Gagarin Books. The prize is three million yen.”

“The smaller labels give out more prize money?” Miyako asked, surprised.

“Well,” Haruto reasoned, “the new guys have a greater need to collect talent.”

“And Choice D is not to enter any competition at all and upload your work to the net instead. Prize money: zero.”

“Wow, there’s even that option?” Itsuki sniffed.

Chihiro weighed the options for a few moments. “Hmmm… In that case, I’ll go for the mid-tier competition. Umm, ‘Roll a die. If you roll three or higher, you win a prize and make your debut. Proceed down Route B.’”

“So you can’t join the business unless you roll well enough?” said Miyako, scowling a bit.

“Three or more, three or more… Hnh!”

Chihiro rolled a die. The result… .

“Nice! I’m in the industry with a five.”

“Ooh, congratulations, Chihiro.”

“Great job!”

“Yeah, good one.”

“Heh-heh… Thank you. So I’ll move my peg down Route B.” Chihiro moved his person-shaped wooden peg five squares down, then read what was on the board.

“Um, so I win the two-million-yen prize and end my turn, I guess.”

He took out 2 million yen’s worth of money cards, and then it was Nayuta’s turn.

“I go next. Mmm… I want the money, so I’ll join Gagag… Gagarin Books’ competition. Roll two or better to make your debut… Here we go!”

She rolled a .

“Well, that was easy. Now I get to make my debut.”

“Here comes the great new hope of the industry,” Haruto remarked.

Once she advanced her pawn and picked up her money, Itsuki picked up the die.

“Well, if we’re all splitting up, I’ll go with Denge—um, Lightning Books. Hmm… Five or higher to debut? I guess it’s a lot harder to break in with the big guys, huh? But with one anime adaptation under my belt, this’ll be no sweat…!”

He tossed the die with all his might…

“Aaaand that’s a two.”

“You’re fighting an uphill battle. And losing,” said Nayuta.

“Nrahh… Someone like me, not making the cut…? Damn you, Lightning Books…!”

“Oh, by the way,” Haruto said, thumbing through the booklet, “I guess you have to pay one hundred thousand yen per turn to cover living expenses. If you go into the red, you’re out of the game.”

“What?!”

“Wow, you gotta debut fast or you’re in trouble.”

“Good thing I made it on the first try,” a visibly relieved Chihiro sighed.

“Also, if two players get married, they can pool their money together.”

“Married?!”

It was only to be expected that Nayuta would latch on to this.

“Um, yeah. We’re all free to marry whomever we want. There’s no gender restriction or anything.”

“Let’s get married, Itsuki! Right now!”

“No!”

“Marry me, and until you can make your debut…no, even after, I promise I’ll cater to your every need!”

“Quit propositioning me in the most graphic way possible! I’ll show you! I’m gonna join the Lightning Books family next turn!”

As Itsuki steeled his resolve, Miyako picked up the die. “I’m up next. Hmm… I have some freedom with my money at this point. Maybe I oughtta try for Lightning, too.”

The dice tumbled across the table.

“Ooh, a five. It’s my debut!”

“Whyyyyy?!” Itsuki screamed.

“Wow, a full-fledged Lightning Books author!”

“Not bad, Myaa! Your first book winning the Lightning Grand Prize!”

Miyako awkwardly smiled. “Hee-hee! Oh, it’s nothing that impressive. I’ll see you down this path later, Itsuki.”

“Gnnhh…”

With that, Miyako’s turn ended, and Haruto picked up the die. “Okay, which way should I go…? Well, since nobody’s picked it yet, how about I take path D, the Internet strategy? It says that I don’t have to roll any dice if I pick this. Right. Here I go! Overlord or bust!”

The turn order went back to Chihiro.

“So it’s just rolling the dice and advancing down the path now, right?”

This time he rolled a .

“Three squares… ‘Your debut book received another printing. Collect five hundred thousand yen.’ All right!”

“I’m up next… Four. One, two, three, four… Oh, hey, I got another printing, too! But I only get one hundred thousand yen out of it? Why’s it so different…?” Nayuta looked less than convinced about this.

“All right… Time to make my big debut…”

Itsuki threw everything he had into his dice roll, and…

“Nrahhhhhh, not again! Your standards are way too high, Lightning Books!”

Miyako was next. “I got another printing, too. That’s one million yen for me.”

“One million?!” exclaimed Chihiro.

“What a difference. Lightning’s a force to be reckoned with!” Nayuta marveled.

“Hmm… I guess the money you earn differs completely depending on the path.” Chihiro gave the board and its different routes a quick scan.

“Yeah,” Haruto replied, “and some paths even have more money squares than others. The Lightning route has tons of reprint squares, but the mid-level GM Bunko and smaller label paths are a bit more sparse. The Web-novel route has a lot of squares with nothing on them at all.”

He rolled the die.

“Hmm… No event on that square. Guess I’m just going nose-to-the-grindstone with uploading text.”

The turn order went back to Chihiro.

“…Nothing for me this time, either.”

“Hmm,” Nayuta said, “a reprint, but it’s just one hundred thousand yen…which is totally eaten up by my monthly expenses.”

“All right. Lightning Books for sure this time…”

Itsuki rolled the die, telekinetically forcing it to bend to his will.

“Gahhh! A one! That’s like getting rejected in the first round!”

He held his head in his hands as Miyako proceeded down the Lightning route.

“Whoa, another million-yen reprint.”

“That’s crazy,” Haruto observed as he rolled. “Um, guess I’m just uploading more chapters… I’m basically just as unemployed as Itsuki, aren’t I?”

“D-don’t call it ‘unemployed,’” Itsuki spat, slightly put out.

3

“Ngahhhh, four! That’s the fifth straight debut fail! I’m out of money! Why…? Why won’t those pricks at Lightning Books just publish me already…?!”

Five turn cycles in, and Itsuki had yet to leave the starting square.

“Itsuki, shouldn’t you give up on Lightning? If you don’t make the cut next turn, you’re out of the game, right?” Nayuta pleaded.

Itsuki gritted his teeth. “I’m not out yet… I’m not giving up! Besides, Kanikou, I thought you were a pro, but you have barely any money on you.”

“Well, every time I get paid, my expenses eat it all up! The three million yen in prize money is keeping me propped up all right…but this is like death by a thousand cuts…,” Nayuta wailed.

“I’m still making money,” Chihiro said, “but compared to Miyako, it’s nothing.”

“Yeah, how much money do you have, Myaa?”

Miyako counted the money cards in her pile. “Mmm, a little over ten million.”

“Ten million?!” Itsuki’s eyes burst open. “Well, don’t worry, I’ll join Lightning and catch right up with you…”

“Hee-hee! Hopefully you can debut sooner or later, Itsuki.”

“Gnh…!”

“Can’t wait to see how many million yen I make at the next printing!”

Miyako looked supremely confident as she rolled the dice, much to Itsuki’s chagrin.

“Four. Umm… Huh? Not a reprint for a change. Uh, ‘You are in danger of missing a deadline. Roll the die. If you roll four or higher, you barely make it in time.’ Huh. Well, here goes.”

She didn’t make it. The die read .

“Oh no, I missed the deadline! But doing that once isn’t any big deal, is it?”

Nayuta and Haruto glared at the indifferent Miyako.

“M-Myaa, you’re turning into one of those problem authors…”

“Yeah, well, maybe it’s because I’m friends with a pair of habitual deadline-breaking offenders in Itsuki and Nayu.”

Not sweating her transgression at all, Miyako continued reading the square’s instructions.

“Um, if you fail to make the deadline, you lose five turns and give up three Happiness Points… Whoa! That’s really harsh! Five turns?!”

“Oh, I’ve heard about this,” reported Nayuta. “The big labels publish a ton of stuff every year, so there’s this intense competition for schedule slots. If you miss a date, you may not get another slot for another six or twelve months, even.”

“A whole year?!”

Itsuki shuddered. “I couldn’t even imagine our label doing that to us.”

“Yeah, our publisher never delays anything. They just force us to publish it, no matter what,” Nayuta chimed in.

“I guess the competition is pretty intense in the upper echelons… Oh, it’s my turn. I’m running short on money, too…”

Haruto smiled wanly as he rolled the die. “Um, four… Whoa! ‘Your Web novel has been picked up by a large publisher! Collect five million yen in first-printing royalties!’”

Itsuki was taken aback. “Damn, Web novels are crazy!”

“Wow, all that day-in, day-out effort really paid off…” Haruto laughed.

“Looking ahead, Prince Manwhore, the route after that square looks pretty crazy.”

“Wow, you’re right! A million yen for a new printing, three million for a new volume…and whoa, look at all the ‘new volume’ squares!”

Nayuta and Miyako couldn’t hide their surprise.

“Well, with all the stuff I’ve written and uploaded, I’ve probably got dozens of paperbacks’ worth of text to publish.”

“Man, you sure can rake it in with Web novels. Maybe I should take that route and try to stage a comeback…”

“Not so fast, Itsuki!” exclaimed Haruto. “Taking the Internet route with zero money is way too dangerous!”

“Mmph…but if I blow it with Lightning Books one more time…” Itsuki groaned. “Wait!”

He suddenly lit up, a new idea crossing his mind.

“Haruto! Will you marry me?!”

“Fwah?!”

“Huh?!”

“Wh-where did that come from, Bro?!”

Nayuta, Miyako, and then Chihiro all reacted with varying degrees of shock.

Haruto was the only player in the room to take this offer calmly. “Hmm… Since we’ll share a common bank account, that’ll let you stay in the game more easily; is that what you figure?”

“Yeah…! Haruto, you gotta support me until Lightning Books picks me up!”

“You just wanna be his sugar baby?!” Miyako shouted. Then, more quietly, she grumbled, “…I have more money than him, still. Shouldn’t you be asking me before him?”

“Oh! Right! You’ll work too, Miyako. Will you marry meeeeeee?!”

“Wha—? No, you weirdo!” Miyako’s face turned red at the sudden proposal.

“Itsuki!” Nayuta interjected. “If you’re gonna marry someone, marry me! You can use my money any way you want to!”

“No.”

“You’re so mean…” She pouted.

“Um, hey, Bro, if you don’t mind marrying me, that’s fine… Like, I’m not making a lot, but it’s steady, and I have some money saved up, too… If we try hard enough, I think we can make it work.”

Chihiro blushed a bit as he pleaded his case. It made Itsuki do the same.

“Y-yeah… Well, maybe we should, then…like, get married…”

“S-sure…”

“No!” interrupted Nayuta. “That’s incest! It’s not healthy for two brothers to get married!”

“Calm down, Kanikou. This is just a game.”

“If it’s ‘just a game,’ then why won’t you just marry me, already?!”

“I said no… We can worry about that in real life, but the answer is still no!”

Itsuki’s face grew redder as he refused.

“All right, so Itsuki and Chihiro are married now,” Haruto said. “Whose turn was it again?”

“Oh, mine.” Chihiro promptly rolled a . “Here’s a branch point. ‘Your editor has been replaced. Roll an odd number to go down Route A, or an even number for Route B.’”

“Did you see the editor illustrations? Hmm…”

Miyako scanned the editor artwork for each of Chihiro’s potential routes. It made her laugh out loud. Route A featured a serious-looking man in glasses and a business suit, memo pad and tablet in hand. Route B had a chill surfer-boy type holding a red pencil and a horse racing form.

“Hope I roll odd,” Chihiro prayed as he tossed the die. It came up . “Ooh, it’s even…”

“Ha-ha… Well, you can’t judge a book by its cover. Maybe Route B has the more talented editor—”

“The first square in Route B says ‘Your new editor lost your manuscript. Lose three turns.’”

“Maybe not!” exclaimed Haruto, his attempt at placating Chihiro failed.

“This is kind of unbelievable, though. Would an editor ever lose someone’s manuscript in real life—oh, is something wrong?”

Chihiro found Itsuki, Nayuta, and Haruto all turning away from him.

“Um, I can’t help but notice that all the squares ahead for Chihiro are pretty awful…,” Miyako finally said, and the others joined her in examining the board.

“Oh?” Itsuki remarked. “Lemme see. ‘A miscommunication with your illustrator delayed your release date. Lose three turns.’ ‘You were forced to do a media tour, earning you ridicule on the Internet and breaking your heart. Lose three Happiness Points.’ ‘Your editor replaced your text entirely without asking. Lose two Happiness Points.’ ‘The content your editor forced you to rewrite was so unpopular that your series was canceled. Lose four turns and five Happiness Points’…”

“Damn, dude,” Haruto said.

“Um, this isn’t based on reality, is it? Nothing this terrible actually happens in real—?” Chihiro gingerly asked.

“Ha-ha…” “Ha-ha…” “Ah-ha…”

The short, dry bursts of laughter from the three professional novelists in the room told him everything he needed to know.

“There are actually editors like that…?”

“Um, is the light novel industry really okay…?” Miyako asked.

“Aw, don’t worry, Miyako. Someone this terrible’s extremely rare in this business. If that’s who you get assigned to, then I can’t offer more than my condolences, but…”

“Oh man… I hope I survive…”

“Well, all the routes have their pitfalls,” Nayuta said, grabbing the die. “I guess light novels are a thorny path, no matter which one you take. Anyway… Oh, I earned three hundred thousand yen for my new release. You know, the difference from the Web author’s earnings is kind of breaking my heart…”

“At least you managed to make your debut! This time… This time, I swear I’ll make my debut with Lightni—gahhhh, a four! When am I finally gonna crawl outta this square?!” Itsuki screamed.

4

Many turn cycles passed.

“Hahh…hahh…hahh…”

Itsuki, face drawn and head hanging low off his frame, rolled the die.

“Oh?” “Ah?” “Ooh!” “Huh?”

…It showed a .

“Nnnnnnhhh!! S… S… Siiiiiiixxxxx!!”

Tears welled up in his eyes.

“Congratulations, Bro!”

“Ahh… At long, long last… Finally! I’m a Lightning novelist!!”

The other players clapped as he let out a guttural roar of victory.

“Ha-ha-ha! Thank you! And congratulations, me! Just wait and see how new author Itsuki Hashima’s gonna rock Lightning Books to its core! And special thanks to the wife who’s supported me all this time!”

“Oh… No, I didn’t really… I mean, it’s all thanks to how hard you worked, Big Bro.” Chihiro turned red.

“You’re brothers,” Nayuta pouted. “Stop flirting like that.”

“…Still, though,” Miyako coldly pointed out, “you sure had it tough until your debut…”

“Y-yeah. And given how you haven’t been able to launch a new book in ten or so turns, you definitely know how it goes.”

“Hey, that’s mean! It’s the publisher’s fault for not letting me sell anything just because I blew a single deadline!”

“Miyako’s getting more and more problematic…,” a shocked Haruto said.

“Ugh… I have to keep releasing books to make money, but now my expenses are piling up… Does this mean, like, if you’re an author who can’t put out a book, you’re basically unemployed?”

“Ha-ha…” Haruto laughed weakly.

“You finally noticed?” Itsuki commented.

“Your intellect is truly beyond compare, Myaa,” added Nayuta.

“Novelists sure have it tough, huh?” Chihiro said sympathetically, then more drily added, “I mean, I’m starting to wonder how many times my editor is going to lose my submissions. Why do I run into all this trouble with my illustrator and designer every time? Are they sabotaging me on purpose, or what? If he made a mistake serious enough to cancel my anime project, how’s he allowed to stay with the company…?”

“Oh no! Chihiro’s editor screwed up so many times, he’s gone over to the dark side!” Nayuta shuddered.

“Come back to us, Chihiro! Come back!”

“Huh? What’d I do…?”

Itsuki’s shouting was enough to restore Chihiro’s sanity, fortunately.

“Hang in there just a bit longer, okay, Chihiro? Your editor’s getting fired in just two more squares, it looks like.”

“Wh-whoa, Haruto, you’re right…! Finally… Finally, I’ll be free of this guy…!”

“Oh, Chihiro,” wailed Itsuki. “It’s even making you cry! You’re so gentle… I swear, a bad editor has the power to completely ruin authors’ lives…”

“Yeah, it ain’t easy being a pro novelist. And meanwhile, here I am, just uploading text on the Internet and raking it in…” Without a care in the world, Haruto tossed the die. “Right, there’s a six. Um… ‘The massive royalties you’re making allow you to live comfortably enough that you’ve decided not to bother uploading weekly novel updates. “Thanks for your support! I’ll see you sometime in the future!” Go back to start!’ …Oh, come on!! Are you kidding me? I’m going on permanent hiatus without finishing the story?!”

Nayuta glared at Haruto. “You’re awful, Prince Manwhore.”

“Permanent hiatus?” Chihiro asked.

Haruto explained. “Oh, it’s just slang for abandoning a project without reaching the ending. You see it a lot in Web novels and indie games. Ughh, seriously, though? I got this far and I’m back to sending stories to competitions…?”

“Well, you did abandon your bestselling story just because you got sick of it. I’m sure all your fans are furious with you, so you’ll just have to adopt a new pen name and start over,” Nayuta callously pointed out.

“I know I’ve got all this money, but this is breaking my heart…”

“Um, I’m up.” Chihiro rolled the die. It was enough to break him out of the crappy-editor path.

“Whewww! I’m finally through that gauntlet!”

The sincerity of his joy led Nayuta and Miyako to offer their congratulations.

“Good job, there.”

“Yeah, nice one. Just watching you go through that was hard enough… And you had to support your unemployed husband, too.”

“Don’t call me an unemployed husband! Now that I’m a big Lightning Books writer, I’m gonna be the one supporting him!”

“Sure thing, Big Bro. We’ll do it together!”

Watching the Hashima couple, Nayuta pouted. “Yeah, yeah, I know we’ve all got it tough. And meanwhile, I’m still in the bush leagues with Gagarin Books, writing this string of novels that never go anywhere… Oh.”

Her peg reached a branch point.

“Hmm? Take Route A if you roll a one or Route B for anything else… Here goes.”

Following the instructions, Nayuta rolled…a .

“…There’s a one. Down Route A I go. Let’s see what this one has… Wait, what?! Wow, this is amazing!”

The idle peek at the path ahead made her yelp in astonishment. Itsuki and Miyako followed her gaze.

“What…? Whoa! What is this route?!”

“Um, ‘You scored the biggest hit in the label’s history! Collect two million yen for the reprints!’ ‘A manga version is underway! Collect two million yen!’ ‘You signed on for the anime version! Collect five million yen!’ The manga’s a hit, my new series is a hit, all the books get reprinted a billion times, the anime’s a hit, I win the Best Light Novel award three times in a row, I win the SUGEE JAPAN grand prize, they write and sell a character song about me!!”

Thrilled, Nayuta kept going.

“So I guess Gagag—um, Gagarin Books used to be this little niche label, but now it’s finally got its very own My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong! Now Gagarin’s up there with the brightest stars in the industry!”

“Uh-oh… I better get a book out fast, or she’s gonna overtake me…”

“Dah! In that case, I guess as Lightning Books’ latest sign-on, I’ll have to pull a Sword Art something-from-another-publisher out of my ass right now! Hyah!”

Itsuki Hashima, the latest sign-on, rolled the die.

“O-one… Um, ‘Your debut novel was a sales disappointment. Lose two turns.’ …Well, so much for becoming a certain someone…”

5

Thus, all five players made their light novel debuts, rushing down the paths to their respective destinies.

“‘Your anime is successful. Collect two million yen,’” Chihiro gleefully reported. “Hee-hee! My label’s really been hitting it out of the park lately.”

“‘Your new series is a megahit. Collect two million yen.’”

Nayuta was doing just as well.

“…‘Your editor was caught trying to stealth-market your novels on a forum, triggering an uproar. Lose three turns.’”

Miyako tilted her head in disbelief.

“‘Your anime debuted, but from episode one, the terrible animation and excessively compressed storyline cause you to lose ten Happiness Points.’ Way to remind me of real life.” Haruto let out a despondent groan.

The gaps between each of the five players’ experiences in the world of light novels were increasingly staggering.

“Geez! If you’re gonna try stealth marketing, do a better job than that, editor! Is there a square somewhere that’ll boost my sales to ten billion or something? I gotta find a way to turn the tables…”

“…We’re almost at the end of the game. I can’t wait to reach the end…”

Miyako was starting to get bored, just as Itsuki was starting to lose his marbles.

“The winner’s decided by Happiness Points, right?”

“Right,” Miyako said to Nayuta. “Who’s in the lead now?”

Everyone reported their totals. Haruto was at minus 16, Itsuki at minus 20, Chihiro at minus 26, Nayuta at minus 7:

“And I’m minus fourteen… Wow, we’re all in the negative?!”

“No matter which route you take,” observed Chihiro, “there’s tons of events that cost you Happiness Points, but not too many where you gain them back.”

“So what’re we supposed to do?” Miyako asked, confused.

“I suppose this is the game’s way of telling us that happiness doesn’t come easy in this business. But we’ve got no choice but to keep going…,” replied Itsuki.

“What is happiness anyway?” Chihiro reflected as he tossed the die. “Oh, another branch… ‘The label you’ve worked for up to now was bought out by the largest publisher in the industry for eight billion yen. Lose five Happiness Points. You have a choice: Either join your dissatisfied editor at a newly launched label (Route A), or stick with your old label and become the giant’s lapdog (Route B).’ Which should I go for…? My label’s gone, guys…”

“Wow,” Haruto said as Chihiro reeled at the news. “You’ve worked so hard not to lose out to the big guy all this time, too. Rough.”

“Yeah,” Itsuki added. “If this happened in real life, it’d break the heart of so many authors and editors. Then, even though the big company bought the smaller one because it was doing well, its earnings would take a nosedive. It’d be a huge tragedy with no winners in the end. Good thing this is just a game!”

“Oh boy, you said it,” Nayuta droned.

“Hmm… I don’t know. My current editor saved me from my really bad one before, so I’d like to keep working with him, but jumping labels sounds dicey… What do you think I should do, Bro?”

“Just follow your heart. Whatever you pick, I promise I’ll support you.”

“Oh, Itsuki, so manly,” Miyako sarcastically observed.

“I wish I was being told that,” a miffed Nayuta blurted out.

“Aw, thank you, Itsuki… All right, I’ve made up my mind! I’m going to follow my editor! I won’t become some Horn River dog!”

“Well said! That’s the little brother…um, I mean, wife I know!”

Nayuta flashed a diabolical smile. “Hee-hee-hee… And while that mid-tier upstart is thrown into confusion by that buyout talk, the time has come for me and Gagarin Books to seize the initiative! Yah!”

The die was thrown; the peg advanced.

“Mmm…? Wha—I’m being sued for copyright infringement? ‘The case drags on so long in court that you lose three million yen and five Happiness Points. Before there’s a verdict, you get doxxed by your haters online and branded a criminal. Lose five Happiness Points and five turns from the mental stress.’ Arrrgh!”

“Yikes,” Haruto said, breaking into a cold sweat.

“Wait,” Itsuki noted, “that didn’t happen to Gagarin Books, that happened to—oh, whoops! This game is a work of fiction and has no relation to any actual person or organization, right, right.”

“Errrgh, who’s the idiot who’s trying to make me into a criminal?” Nayuta whined, her voice shaking. “Who do you think I am…? I am Wataru Watari, author of My Youth Romantic Comedy! Bring it on, and and ! I’ll whip all of you at once!”

“You’re not Wataru Watari, all right?!”

“And if Watari started picking fights with folks like that, it’d screw up the entire industry!” Haruto quickly added.

“Why is this happening to me…?”

“Because your editor didn’t get permission from the original rights-holder, maybe?” said Itsuki.

“Yeah, but why is it happening right when I’m at the top of my game? I smell a conspiracy… It’s got to be the Empire of Horn River at work again!”

“Yeah, it certainly wouldn’t be beneath those guys…”

“It’s all up to you now, Itsuki… Please, secure revenge against Horn River for me… Arrrrgh!”

“Yeah, but I’m already writing for Lightning Books, so…”

“Oh, right! You and Myaa are both Horn River lapdogs…”

“Stop calling us dogs! …Here, lemme roll.”

Waiting at the square Itsuki reached:

“Um… Oh? ‘Lightning Books is spinning off from its parent company and launching as a new publisher! You are free to join this new publisher or to stick with the original parent company. You can also use your industry connections to join any publisher route other players are members of.’”

“Wait, Big Bro, is this…?!”

“Hmm… Join another player’s company…”

“Hey, Itsuki, join me over at Gagarin Books!” Nayuta cried.

“Um,” Chihiro butted in, “maybe it’d be best to work for the same publisher as me…?”

“Nah,” Haruto interjected, “come with me! If my label hits it big with an anime, you’ll be raking it in! Not that I did…”

“Mmm… Yeah, I’m not sure I’d fit in with a really big place. I think I’ll shack up with Chihiro’s label!”

“Oh, nice! We’re a brother—um, I mean, a married team!”

“Yep! Let’s destroy Horn River together!”

Thus, the super-couple of Itsuki and Chihiro were united under the same label.

“Okay, my turn…”

Thanks to delay after delay, Itsuki had finally caught up with Miyako on the board. Now she was stopped on the same square Itsuki had just hit.

“Ah, I’m facing the same decision. I dunno… They just never seem to get around to publishing my books. I think I’ll join Itsuki and Chihiro’s label, too!”

Haruto followed this up by landing on the square Chihiro had just experienced.

“Great, so I get to pick between joining my editor or becoming a lapdog, huh? Well…I’m no dog!”

Thus, a total of four players wound up joining the same publisher label. Only Nayuta was left behind. “Well, whatever,” she said. “Once I’m done with my own crap, I’m hopping right over to that route with you guys!”

“Great! Now we’re all writing under the same label!” Itsuki stood up and raised a fist. “Let’s band together and survive this living hell we call the light-novel industry!”

““““Raaahhh!”””” the other four shouted.

6

Just because all five players were walking along the same novelist route didn’t mean they had it easy.

“‘Your new series was canceled after two volumes. Lose two Happiness Points and two turns’…”

“Oh, finally, a new printing! …Only fifty thousand yen? That doesn’t even cover expenses…”

“…‘One of your haters left a negative Amazon review. Lose one Happiness Point.’ …Not that it’s that destructive, but it’s still irritating, huh?”

“‘You were stalked by a reader who resents not being able to marry your heroine. Lose three Happiness Points and three turns.’ I’m being stalked? Like, does that really happen?”

“My manga adaptation fell apart. I’m out three hundred thousand yen… I’m already scraping the bottom of the barrel here. That’s rough…”

Chihiro, Nayuta, Itsuki, Miyako, Haruto—all five of them were feeling the pain.

“Oof, another cancellation. I have no idea what the readers even want any longer…”

“I had another new series rejected, too. I should’ve appreciated my books back when I was actually releasing some…”

“Wow,” Itsuki marveled, “I’d never expect that from you normally, Kanikou!”

“We’re almost at the end,” Chihiro weakly stated, “but we’re all pretty battered and bruised, huh?”

“Yeah… I just hope we can make it…”

The anguish was written clearly upon Itsuki’s face as he rolled.

“…Um, ‘Your friend just got married. Lose fifty thousand yen for a wedding present. If single, lose an additional three Happiness Points out of jealousy.’ …What’s that got to do with being a novelist?!”

“Good thing we’re together, huh, Big Bro?”

Next was Miyako. “…‘Your annual physical returned alarming results. Lose one hundred thousand yen and three turns.’ Yeah, novelists live pretty unhealthy lifestyles. Drinking in the middle of the day, for example.”

“I’m starting to worry about my liver… Um, ‘The chance of a lifetime! Roll a two for a winning horse-racing bet that multiplies your bank account by ten!’ Ten, huh…? I guess this is the only chance I have to get out of poverty…!”

“W-wait, Haruto! Don’t plunge in!”

“Yah!”

Ignoring Itsuki’s plea, Haruto staked his life on a gambling match.

“…Aaaahhhhh, I lost all my money at the racetrack!”

“That’s another thing I’d have a hard time believing you’d ever say in real life…”

“Bad news in the industry today, as Haruto Fuwa, novelist and anime storyteller, lost all his money betting on horses…,” Nayuta began.

“…I thought I could make it work…”

“I’d like to know why.”

“So is this it? I got one more turn to try to avoid a Game Over?”

“You know,” Itsuki commented, “you could marry someone and live off their fortune instead.”

“Ohh, right, I forgot! Umm…” He turned his eyes toward Nayuta.

“No thanks. Whether it’s a game or not, I’m not marrying anyone except for Itsuki.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet. In that case…”

Haruto’s eyes met Miyako’s, and she responded with an exasperated look. “Marrying for money? Seriously, Fuwa…”

“Oh, I hate it when you look at me like that, Miyako… Okay, so be it!”

“So be what?” Itsuki asked.

“I guess this is the end of the road for me. If I’m gonna lower myself to marrying a girl for her bank account, I might as well just bow out now!”

“Wow, Prince Manwhore, that’s the manliest thing you’ve ever done. Maybe I had the wrong idea about you, a little.”

“So—”

“Ugh, wait a minute! I’ll do it for you, okay?”

Miyako spoke up just as Haruto was about to announce his retirement.

“Huh?”

“…I’ll do it for you. I’ll marry you,” she said bashfully.

“Huhh?!”

“…The five of us made it this far together. Wouldn’t it suck if one of us fell out now? So let’s get married.”

“Aw, you’re so kind, Myaa.”

“Miyako…! Thank you…!”

Miyako laughed at the heartfelt appreciation. “You don’t have to get that excited about it, you know.”

“Yeah, I guess not.”

Itsuki leaned over to whisper at Haruto. “Heh-heh-heh… Nice one, Haruto.”

“…Yeah. In the game, at least…”

“…?”

Miyako gave Haruto a funny look as he did a miniature fist-pump in the air.

“Right!” Chihiro shouted as he took up the die. “Let’s get all five of us to the finish line! …Ugh. ‘You collapsed and wound up in the hospital. Lose five hundred thousand yen and three turns.’”

“Oh no! My wife! Are you all right?!”

“Uh, ‘If married, your partner also loses three turns.’ Sorry to put this on you, Bro…”

“Don’t be silly! ‘Through sickness and in health’!”

“Aww, Itsuki…”

“Ugh! Will you quit with that lovey-dovey dialogue?! Give that to me, not your own brother!”

Jealousy drove Nayuta to hurl the die with extra force.

“Ah! I got sick, too, Itsuki! Minus three hundred thousand yen, lose two turns…plus my marriage partner, if I have one; otherwise lose three Happiness Points. Ugh… It’s tough, being alone in this world…”

She looked ready to cry for real. Miyako felt sympathy for her.

“Mmm… I’m starting to feel bad for you.”

“Yeah, but everyone else is already married, so… Huh? Wait a second…?”

An idea hit upon Haruto. He thumbed through the instruction booklet.

“What is it?”

“I was just wondering if the game would let you marry multiple people. I don’t see anything about it in the manual.”

Miyako raised an eyebrow at this. “Ummm, I’m not sure the rules were really meant to cover that…but if that’s how it is, Nayu…”

“Yes?”

“…You wanna get married? That’ll save you a few Happiness Points, at least…”

“Myaa… Oh, Myaa, I do, I do!”

Nayuta reached out to hug Miyako, face beaming with pure emotion.

“Hyah?! Ugh, let me go!”

“Hee-hee-hee! I love you, Myaa! Please make me happy!”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.”

Itsuki couldn’t help but envy them as they flirted, but not enough to keep him from rolling and moving his peg.

“…Ooh? ‘If married, you have just had a child. You and your partner gain ten Happiness Points and three million yen in gift money’!”

“M-me and my brother had a child?!”

Chihiro’s face burned in shame, as Nayuta pouted. “Aww, I wanted to have Itsuki’s baby, too… Come on, Myaa, let’s make one of our own! I can’t lose out to these two!”

“It’s just one blockbuster quote after another from you, isn’t it, Nayu…?”

“Wait a second,” interrupted Itsuki, his voice low. “There’s no limit to marriage partners, right? So if you marry all of us, we’ll all get to share in the money and Happiness Points. That’s a bargain!”

“Itsuki…”

“Bro…”

“I think that’s stretching the premise a little too much,” replied Nayuta, with Miyako and Chihiro giving him similar looks of disbelief.

“Hey, don’t look at me like I’m some kind of nutcase! All I’m doing is trying to think up ways for us to all limp to the goal together.”

“Yeah,” chimed in Haruto, “but if we do that, we’ll all finish with high scores and it won’t be a fair contest.”

“T-true…” Itsuki fell silent for a moment. “Hang on! Haruto, lemme see the instructions!”

“Sure.”

Picking the booklet up, Itsuki pored over it, eyes as large as saucers.

“…Hohh…hohh…heh-heh-heh… I see… I knew it the whole time…!”

“…What, Itsuki?”

“Here it is in black and white: ‘Players win by collecting Happiness Points and becoming happy by the end of the game.’ It doesn’t say anything about the guy with the most points winning or anything!”

“Um, so what?” Miyako asked.

“So basically, the points don’t matter. As long as your Happiness Point count is positive, any player who reaches the finish wins. This wasn’t a competitive game at all. It’s a co-op! We’re all trying to reach the end together!”

All the other players blinked in wonder.

“Ohhhhhh…! No wonder this game seemed so hard to me.”

“That explains why it’s balanced to make you fail midway if you tackle a route solo and never get married…”

“Ugh, this whole game’s so misleading! If it was a co-op thing, they should’ve said so in the instructions!”

“If I had to guess, Miyako, part of the strategy lies in whether you notice that or not,” Itsuki said, looking disgusted. “You can really tell how much of an ass the author of this game is.”

“Maybe the marriage rules were left ambiguous just for that reason. It’s just asking you to poke through the loopholes,” Haruto reflected.

“Well, in that case, we all know what to do! Let’s all get married! I’ll make all of you my lawfully wedded wives!”

“You sound like the hero of a harem love comedy, Itsuki.”

“That includes two guys, remember,” said Haruto.

“Ah-ha-ha…”

Chihiro had to laugh at that, if only to divert everyone else’s attention.

“Hmm… I’m still not totally convinced this is right, but I’d hate it even more if we couldn’t finish this, so I guess I’m marrying you and bringing Fuwa and Nayu with me!” Miyako declared.

And with that, Itsuki was suddenly polygamous.

7

For the next several rounds, Itsuki and his four wives were unstoppable.

“Say hello to our fifteenth child! That earns us three million yen times five and ten Happiness Points for everybody!”

The absurd statement from Nayuta made Miyako roll her eyes. “I can’t believe how much richer we are than before,” she said. “We’re all in the black Happiness Points–wise, too. It’s starting not to be the ‘Life of a Light Novelist,’ though.”

It wasn’t all smooth sailing, of course. Just mostly.

“Oh crap, my manuscript’s in trouble! But if another player’s on the same label, they can join in and help me make the deadline!”

Next came Miyako’s turn.

“Oof, ‘Lose six turns after fighting with your editor.’ Oh, but ‘if three or more players side with you, you can all start a new publishing label’…”

“Finally, we can all go indie! I’ll follow you the rest of my life, Myaa!”

“Yep! We’re all friends! And family!”

“Thanks. Well…let’s do it! Time to blow a huge hole in this entire rotten industry!”

Thus, the quintet set off to build their own label!

Through sickness and injury, lack of employees, bookstores giving them the cold shoulder, interference from other publishers, and much more, they all worked together and struggled on—and now they were at the last square before the finish line.

The game didn’t allow players to step off this square until all of them were on there, fresh from completing their routes. Haruto, last to reach it, read the text.

“…‘You’re joining in a large, label-wide project! If all players in the label have sold a combined ten million books, it succeeds.’ …We’re all good there!”

Itsuki’s chest swelled with pride. “Heh! No wonder! We’ve got ex–Lightning Books writers, a mega-hot Web novelist, and even Wataru Watari himself!”

“And now that we’ve hit it big with that project…all that’s left is the end!”

Chihiro smiled and made a ceremonial toss of the die, moving his peg toward the square marked “GOAL.”

“Um… ‘Players with twenty-five or more Happiness Points, go to the happy ending. If you have between zero and twenty-four points, go to the normal ending. If your point total is negative, go to the bad ending.’”

“I’ve got fifty-four points,” Itsuki reported.

“Forty-nine,” said Haruto.

“One hundred and thirty-four,” said Nayuta.

“I’m at fifty-seven,” said Miyako.

“And I’m at seventy-two…so we all get the happy ending, huh?”

“Woo-hoo!” Miyako shouted.

“What does the happy ending give us?” Nayuta asked.

Chihiro turned his attention to an illustration by the goal square showing a large book.

“Um, is it this?”

The book was set up so you could physically turn over the cover flap, revealing a message below. Haruto did the honors.

“Hmm… ‘After extensive difficulty, you have all managed to survive a truly tumultuous time in light novel history. The constant barrage of unfair calamities may have driven you to anger on more than one occasion. However, none of the events in the game are cheap exaggerations. If you ever became a novelist in real life, these events and more may befall you as well.’ …You sure got that right.”

“‘However,’” Miyako continued, “‘if you have made it here, then you likely already know everything you need to survive in this irrational world.’”

“…‘And if you do enter that world and face all its unfair realities, as long as you have friends and lovers fighting in the same world as you, we are sure you’ll be able to overcome any obstacle in your way.’” Nayuta picked up the thread.

“…‘This marks the end of the game,’” Chihiro read to round it out, “‘but your battle will continue on after this. We hope you and your trustworthy friends will support one another and make it through this grueling world. The end.’”

………………

……The five of them sat there for a while, ruminating on the ending message. It was Nayuta who finally broke the silence.

“…Like…it’s funny how everything got wrapped neatly in the end.”

“Yeah… This game…”

Itsuki nodded.

“It’s suuuuuuuuuuch a piece of shit!” “What a piece of shit!” “It sure was a piece of shit!” “Wow, that game was a piece of shit!”

Itsuki, Nayuta, Haruto, and Miyako were all remarkably of the same mind—spoken all at once, no less.

Even Chihiro agreed. “Y-yeah, I guess you’re right! I almost let that text fool me for a second!”

“I’m sorry I ever brought this along,” Haruto said with deep regret.

Miyako laughed at him. “Well, at the same time, maybe it’s a good thing you bought it, Fuwa.”

“Huh?”

“I mean, if some teenager bought this game because he looked up to light novel writers, it’d ruin all of his dreams. Me and Chihiro already know how you guys work, kinda, so…”

“Indeed, it’s one less victim, I suppose,” Nayuta said. “There’s the silver lining.”

“Of course,” Itsuki countered, “that doesn’t save you from the crime of making us play this piece of shit.”

“I know,” said Haruto, chuckling. “Actually, I brought another new game along with me, too. It’s a good one, too, I promise. It won a prize in Germany and everything.”

“Ooh! I think we could all use a palate cleanser right now!”

“…Um, what about your novel, Big Bro? Because that board game made it seem like breaking a deadline’s pretty awful.” Chihiro seemed worried.

“Don’t worry! It’s just a game! Real life isn’t that terrible!” Itsuki smiled and puffed his chest out.

“You think?” an unconvinced Chihiro asked.

Then the doorbell sounded with its trademark ding-dong.

“Hmm? Someone there?”

Itsuki stood up and looked through the peephole again.

“…Ngh.”

He gasped, turned around, and screamed:

“Oh shit! It’s the editor! Run!!”

(The End)