Chapter 4: Holiday Planning with Adachi

Chapter 4:
Holiday Planning with Adachi

 

WHAT IS CHRISTMAS? What is the meaning of Christmas? Does Christmas have rules? What does a “merry” Christmas look like? What is “Christmas magic”? And how much am I supposed to agonize over this?

I decided to take a deep breath and calm down.

Two days had passed, and while I was hoping this fever would recede eventually, it had only gotten worse. Mostly I was excited to spend a major holiday with Shimamura, but also I think part of me was just overjoyed that for once in my life, something had actually gone the way I wanted it to. A tornado of emotions whirled in my chest, but I was only putting up token resistance.

Truth be told, I was enjoying the struggle…even at work.

My head was filled with snow and ornaments and lights—so much so, I even forgot to tug on the hem of my skimpy cheongsam. If I wasn’t careful, I was afraid I might just start skipping around the dining area.

And when I got home, I’d rotate my shoulder, then raise both hands to the ceiling, fingers splayed. Next, I’d ball my hands into fists, then look up at them and feel a strange sense of accomplishment. I did this several times per night. Then I’d look up at the snow falling outside my bedroom window and experience a rush of joy. Why was I so giddy? I was acting like a little kid.

Unfortunately, I had yet to find a cure for the worries that ailed me. The most immediate of those worries was the looming task of planning our schedule for the big day. I was the one who suggested we hang out, so it was my responsibility, but…I didn’t actually know what people usually did on Christmas. In my experience, the answer was “nothing,” but that wouldn’t fly. I needed to do some research.

Hence, I bought a magazine with the words “Christmas Date Ideas” printed on the front cover. Unfortunately, it didn’t have the kind of popularity statistics I was looking for. How was I meant to find out what the most popular date spots were? I mean, not that we were going on a date, per se.

However, the magazine did suggest going to see a movie, the rationale being that it was a nonthreatening location, and afterwards we’d have something in common to talk about: our opinion of said movie. Made perfectly good sense to me. My problem, however, was that I couldn’t be sure if Shimamura even liked movies. She never talked about herself, so I didn’t have a good sense of what she enjoyed.

Honestly, it was probably weird that I fell—er, felt things—toward someone I barely knew. Then again, maybe that was part of the draw. I wanted to know more about her because I…uh…felt things.

The magazine also suggested throwing a two-person house party for “a fun and relaxing dinner in a comfortable environment.” That sounded more in line with our interests, but…whose house would we throw it at? I didn’t want Shimamura in my room, nor did I want her family invading our party. No, we needed to go into town somewhere.

This was quite possibly the most I’d ever agonized over something in my entire life. It was even more stressful than my high school entrance exams. There were a bunch of other minor worries, too, like what to wear. Should I buy a new outfit for the occasion? What would Shimamura want to see me wear?

“No zone out!”

Just then, my manager popped out of nowhere, scolding me with a funny little dance. She always seemed to have energy to spare, that one. Unlike the chef who worked in the kitchen, however, she couldn’t seem to get the hang of verb conjugation, and her accent was still thick. Somehow I got the sense that her stance on the Japanese language was “as long as people can understand me, it’s good enough.” Made sense to me, honestly.

The manager and the chef were a constant presence here in this “Neo-Chinese Cuisine” (I don’t know either) restaurant, but on days when our ads or coupons were printed in the newspaper, some on-call employees would always show up, seemingly out of nowhere, to help handle the rush. Naturally, they were all Taiwanese. And whenever some other Taiwanese restaurant needed extra hands on deck for a grand re-opening or something, these same people would turn up there, too. Apparently all the Taiwanese immigrants knew each other or something. But while it might have made sense to pool their on-call employees, I wished these restaurants didn’t all have the same duplicate menu. Here, an order of gyoza did not look like the picture. Their shape was different, and it didn’t come with that many.

There were no customers, so my manager kept on dancing. Then it occurred to me to ask: “Is it cool if I take Christmas Day off? You know, the 25th?”

Normally this woman always looked like she was half-asleep, but not this time. Her eyes sparkled. “You going on date?”

“Not…entirely…”

That was a weird way to put it—was I trying to suggest it was partially a date, or what? Then again, if the point of a “date” was to have fun and get to know someone you were interested in, then maybe in that sense it was kind of a date.

Me and Shimamura, going on a date. The thought was enough to boil my brain. And if I was this nervous at the mere concept, then maybe it was time to admit that I did in fact see our hangout as a date.

But the more I focused on it, the more humiliated I felt…until eventually I started to wish I’d never invited her.

 

***

 

The next day, I spaced out in class until the lunch bell rang. Next thing I knew, I was walking aimlessly down the hallway. Confused and alarmed, I turned and looked back the way I’d come. Had I subconsciously followed after Shimamura like a homesick little Swiss girl yearning for the mountains? If so, I certainly didn’t see her anywhere. Oh god, what if she saw me stagger out of the classroom like a zombie?

Then I wondered: What floor was I on? I glanced out the window and determined from the view that I had to be on the second floor. That left one last question: Do I go to the cafeteria or return to the classroom?

It felt like I’d just caught myself sleepwalking. This was mildly concerning, considering the school building had a lot of staircases where I could fall down and break my neck. From now on I should try to restrict all zoning out to the first floor… Guess that’s easier said than done.

As I was debating whether to advance or retreat, a familiar face walked past me. She noticed me looking at her and turned back, her long-ish hair swaying with her movements. It was Hino.

“Sup, Ada-cheechee! Whatcha standing around for? Feeling lightheaded or something?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Oh, are you waiting for Shimamura?”

Sadly, no, that’s not it either. “Not particularly,” I muttered under my breath.

Just then, it occurred to me that Hino’s other half was nowhere to be seen. I’d expected her to turn up by now.

“It’s not often I see you flying solo, either. Where’s, uh, Nagafuji?”

“Say wha…?!”

Hino glanced around sharply. Did she not notice until just now?

“You’re right… She’s not here! Normally she hardly ever loses track of me!”

What are you, her guidepost? I imagined Nagafuji wandering away into the sunset. It didn’t feel right. Then I imagined her wandering away into a candy store. Okay, now I see it.

“Well, I’m sure she’ll turn up at the cafeteria eventually. I’d better grab us a table.”

She seemed confident in Nagafuji’s homing instinct, but I wasn’t so sure. Right as Hino was about to walk off, however, she suddenly stopped short and beckoned to me.

“Wanna come have lunch with us, Adatsy?”

“Who, me?”

“You see any other Adachi-san standing around here? Anyways, I just figured you were already headed there.”

She flashed her pearly whites at me. With her short stature and frank, unreserved personality, she felt more like a little sister than a peer…but I knew she’d probably get mad at me if I said that out loud, so I didn’t.

“Okay then, I’ll tag along.”

Seeing as she might have the answers to my questions, I decided to accompany her. Was this our first time hanging out together without Shimamura? Come to think of it, yes, it absolutely was. In fact, it was my first time hanging out at school with someone who wasn’t Shimamura. Why? Because I never felt the desire to be around anyone. As for the reason behind that, well…I decided not to dig up the past. I didn’t have room in my brain for more worries. Right now the right half was dedicated to Shimamura and the left half was reserved for Christmas. Fancy, I know.

“That reminds me… I feel like Shimamura or someone told me you get good grades in English. Is that true?”

Who else would talk about me if not Shimamura? On second thought…why would Shimamura talk about my grades at all? That was the more pressing question.

“I wouldn’t say good, per se. Just, you know, not bad. Average,” I replied modestly.

“Interesting,” she mused, almost like she was impressed for some unfathomable reason. This was followed by a cheery “Hello!” in English. Should’ve seen this coming.

“Uh… Hello,” I parroted back, smiling slightly. I was 100 percent sure she’d just blurted out the first English word that came to mind. She was like a little kid…in a good way, I mean. And not because of her height.

Silence fell between us.

Strangely enough, whenever Shimamura wasn’t around, I suddenly didn’t mind Hino and Nagafuji as much. Nothing against Shimamura, of course—not like she was a hindrance or something. Actually, no, maybe I had it backwards. Whenever they were around, I felt like there was a wall between myself and Shimamura. They were the hindrance.

I knew they weren’t bad people, and I liked them just fine…but I wasn’t capable of caring for them the same way I cared for Shimamura. What made Shimamura so special? I didn’t know. But even if the answer was just “because I liked her more,” I still couldn’t quite explain why I liked her more. Love didn’t always come with rational explanations attached.

Together, Hino and I navigated around the staff room to the cafeteria entrance. The winter wind blew between the buildings, turning each covered walkway into an arctic zone. A line had formed at the meal ticket machine out front, and everyone was shivering in the cold. You’d think the school would get a lot of complaints about this particular placement, and yet they never showed any signs of relocating it.

The two of us joined the end of the line and huddled together for warmth. As we waited, I took out my cell phone and checked it. Usually this was something I did more out of boredom than anything else, but this time I had a good reason: to check for any emails from Shimamura. After all, it was possible she could change her mind about hanging out at any given time. Fortunately, my inbox was empty. I heaved a sigh of relief.

Nothing in life was guaranteed. Sometimes things just didn’t work out. So all I could do was pray that it would all go according to plan. Was there anything I could use as a bargaining chip? I hardly ever interacted with people, so I never got the opportunity to help anyone. Maybe I should go out of my way to do at least one good deed so Santa will put me on the “nice” list.

Eventually I made it to the front of the line. I wanted something to warm me up, so I bought a ramen meal ticket.

“I think I’ll get the same thing,” Hino commented to herself, and sure enough, she bought one, too.

The cafeteria ramen was decorated with a garnish of bright pink naruto swirls, something I didn’t see too often at restaurants anymore.

“Got any hobbies, Ada-chee?” Hino asked as we stood in a second line inside at the counter to redeem our meal tickets.

“Not really.” This was the same answer I’d given Shimamura when she asked me, and it was still every bit as boring as it was back then. But it was the honest truth, so she’d just have to accept it. No sense in making something up to try to look cool. Nor could I tell her my hobby was Shimamura.

“Oh, same as Shimamura, then.”

My heart skipped a beat as Hino mentioned the very person I was thinking of. Then the words sank in, and I heaved an internal sigh of relief. No, she hadn’t read my mind. Slowly, I ruminated on her statement. Same as Shimamura…

“Oh ho, what’s with the smirk? Reminiscing or something?” Hino asked, peering at me. Then I realized my glee must’ve shown on my face and started to panic.

“Uh…nothing!” I waved a hand dismissively.

If Shimamura had seen me grinning to myself just now, she’d probably think I was a weirdo. Then again, at least that would prove I wasn’t a “blank slate” like my mom always claimed.

Once we got our ramen, we sat down across from each other at the end of a nearby table. The cafeteria was packed, so there were hardly any open seats. Hino placed a handkerchief on the empty seat next to her—saving it for Nagafuji, if I had to guess. What if Shimamura shows up? I glanced beside me, but the seat was already taken.

Then Hino pressed her palms together to say grace, so I followed suit. Once we were done, I watched as she picked up her chopsticks and lifted a bite of noodles out of her bowl. Now that I was paying attention, I realized she was actually very elegant in her motions. This came as a surprise, considering she had such a carefree personality. Maybe her parents were strict with her or something.

“Hey, so…”

“Mmm?”

Chewing a mouthful of bean sprouts, Hino looked up, the tip of her nose wet with broth. I paused for a beat, then asked her the question that was on my mind. “Do you know what kind of stuff Shimamura likes?”

Can’t have Christmas without presents, after all. It was the first thing I thought of when I heard the word. Even if Shimamura didn’t get me anything, I still wanted to get something for her. The desire was ingrained in me.

“I dunno… I’m not sure she likes anything,” Hino replied pensively.

Point taken. We both returned to our ramen.

After another bite of bean sprouts, Hino washed it down with a sip of water, then folded her arms in contemplation, her chopsticks still in hand. “She’s not really the type to talk about herself, y’know?”

“Yeah, I know.” I’d ask her directly, but it’d be weird, and she probably wouldn’t tell me. That’s why I’m asking you. “Have you ever gone shopping with her or anything?”

“Well, sure, a few times. We’ve gone to the bookstore, and… Oh, that’s right. We checked out the tea shop once.”

“The tea shop?”

“Yeah. I was running an errand, and Shimamura tagged along… Oh yeah, and I think she said one of the tea blends smelled really good. Was it black tea or green tea…?”

“Interesting. So she likes tea?”

Maybe that would make for a nice holiday gift—something practical instead of sentimental. That way Shimamura wouldn’t feel awkward accepting it. But most of all, I wanted it to be something she would actually like.

“Can you remember the name of the blend or anything?” I pressed.

Hino set her chopsticks down, then re-folded her arms. “Gimme a minute here… Ugh, what was it? It definitely wasn’t barley tea… What shelf was it on? Dang it, I can’t remember… I feel like the name’s right on the tip of my tongue. Maybe I’d remember if I saw it.”

“Then…would you wanna…go with me to find it?”

I didn’t even know where to start looking, so she was my only hope if I wanted to track it down. Normally I’d never ask this of her, since I didn’t really like spending time with anyone who wasn’t Shimamura, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“Hmmm.” Hino glanced around for a bit. “Shouldn’t you go with Shimamura and have her pick it out for you?”

I fell silent. Admittedly it was the logical conclusion, but now was not the time to be asking Shimamura on yet another not-date. Besides, the second I asked her, it would become painfully obvious what I was trying to do, and the thought was humiliating.

“Oh, I get it,” Hino nodded, as if she’d intuited something. “In that case, sure, I’ll go with you.”

Exactly how she’d chosen to interpret my silence, I wasn’t sure, but either way, she must have worked out that I wanted to keep it a secret from Shimamura.

“Okay. Thanks.”

“How about today after school? The tea shop’s over at the mall.”

“Oh, um…sure.”

In a town as rural as this one, hangout spots were naturally limited. In our case, our options were either the mall or the station square. On Christmas, I had a feeling Shimamura and I would probably end up at the mall. It was the classiest place this backwater town had to offer.

Still, the thought of going into town with Hino made me nervous, albeit not in the same way that being with Shimamura did.

“Is her birthday coming up or something?”

“Huh? Oh, uh…I dunno. I don’t think so.” She’d already turned sixteen, so if anything, my birthday was probably closer.

“Oh…so it’s not a birthday gift?” Hino blinked in surprise.

I could see the gears turning in her head and figured she’d probably put two and two together any second now, so I did my best to play it cool. “Oh, you know, it’s that time of year! Yep!” I nodded vigorously, as if this made all the sense in the world. I really didn’t want her asking any follow-up questions.

Then Nagafuji showed up. Honestly, her timing couldn’t have been better.

“Ah! I found Hino!”

“Oh, hey!” Hino looked up with a grin, her nose still brothy.

Nagafuji was carrying a sandwich from the school store. Why would she buy food there, then bring it all the way here? Oh, right. Because Hino’s here. Truth be told, I envied the way these two always seemed to instinctively seek each other out, even without any direct verbal communication.

“Well, well, well. Look who it is! You’re late, my dear Nagafuji-chan! Where did you wander off to?”

“Mmmm…” Ignoring Hino’s question, Nagafuji sat down next to her at the table, then placed a hand on Hino’s head and patted her soft hair.

“The hell, man?!” Hino snapped in an affected voice like she was referencing a movie or something.

“You’re bigger now.”

“Excuse me?!”

“Well, I figured the reason I lost sight of you is because you got smaller somehow.”

Evidently she did in fact get lost. Rolling her eyes, Hino smacked Nagafuji over the head, producing a pleasant airy sound. Then the two of them turned to their food like nothing had ever happened.

They’re so close… I don’t think I could ever smack Shimamura like that.

 

***

 

“Sorry I’m late, Adatsy!” Hino called as she stood waiting for me by the school gates. I really wasn’t sure how to react to that. If anything, I was late. Obviously I knew she was just joking around, but I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to joke back. She froze with her hand aloft in a wave, waiting endlessly for me to finally respond.

“Sorry, I was just grabbing my bike, so, uh…no, you’re not late… Sorry.”

“Hmmm. You’re another Shimamura—you don’t know how to play along.”

While part of me enjoyed being likened to Shimamura, another part of me wasn’t so sure. If Shimamura was anything like me, then I probably wouldn’t have fallen in lo—in like with her.

“But I’ll give you some pity points, since you at least tried to think of something.”

“…Thanks.” I couldn’t tell if she was sincerely complimenting me or just trying to cheer me up after I put my foot in my mouth, but either way, I accepted it on reflex. Gah. “Where’s Nagafuji?”

“Look, pal, I’m not her mom, okay? We’re not conjoined at the hip or anything,” she scoffed.

I mean, if anything she’d be your mom—you know, since she’s taller. But I didn’t say this out loud. Oh, or they could be sisters…but even then, Nagafuji would still be the older sister. I didn’t say that, either.

“She said she’s busy. These things happen, y’know, once every year or so.”

She’s only ever busy once a year? You’re joking. Actually, Hino was probably joking. But in the event she wasn’t, that would make Nagafuji even more of an enigma than Shimamura.

“All right, let’s go!”

With her hands in the air, Hino began to skip down the street. It was impressive how much energy she had to spare, considering it was just another cloudy winter day.

“You don’t want a ride?”

“Oh, no, I totally do. But not until we’re a little ways from campus. That way the teachers can’t yell at us.”

Shimamura had always jokingly referred to Hino and Nagafuji as goody-goodies, but now it made sense. Unlike them, Shimamura was content to hop on at the bike parking area. I thought life as a delinquent was supposed to be harder, not easier.

“What’s up?”

I looked up to find Hino looking over her shoulder at me. “Oh, I was just thinking… You’re a model student, huh?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m pretty great, aren’t I?” she joked smugly. Once we rounded the corner, she jumped onto the back of my bike and put her hands on my shoulders.

That was how I realized hers were smaller than Shimamura’s.

 

***

 

Fitting of a weekday afternoon, the mall parking lot was packed full of cars and bicycles alike. So much so, in fact, that I had trouble finding a place to park mine. If I rested it too heavily against another bike, I ran the risk of courting a domino-effect catastrophe whenever I or someone else needed to pull a bike out. I’d experienced this numerous times at school firsthand.

We walked in through the first-floor entrance, next to the pet shop. I didn’t have the first clue where we were going, so I let Hino take the lead. Currently she was on the phone with someone.

“Yeah. I’m in the area, so I figured I’d ask… Okay, sure. How many? Five? Got it.”

Based on her responses, I suspected she was probably talking to a family member. I took out my cell phone, too. Partly so I could pretend to have a social life, but mostly to check my inbox for any emails. Nope. Good. Shimamura hardly ever emailed me in the first place, and the last time she did, it was to ask me about sit-ups. What was that about, anyway? I still didn’t understand.

We passed by a confectionery kiosk, then a wine kiosk. Finally the tea shop came into view, situated across from the bakery in the corner of the intersection. The words “tea shop” brought to mind the color green, but the store interior was actually mostly brown—shelves upon shelves of loose-leaf tea blends packed into little brown bags. Outside, the sign read Mikuniya Zangoro, almost like it was someone’s name.

“Free samples!”

When we entered, an employee standing to the side of the entrance held out a tray lined with little paper cups the size of my pinky. Reflexively, I took one. Inside was about one mouthful’s worth of tea, so I downed the whole thing…and instantly regretted it. My tongue was still chilly from biking here, and the hot liquid was a nasty surprise it wasn’t expecting. My eyes bulged in my skull.

Once I overcame the burning sensation, my brain set about processing the flavor. “Bitter,” I remarked aloud without an ounce of tact.

The employee took my empty cup with a forced smile, then looked over at Hino. “Great to see you again.”

“Yep, it’s me!” she replied, waving casually. Unlike me, she wasn’t prompted to try a free sample. Instead, she stared poring through the shelves like she’d done it a dozen times before.

“Do you come here a lot?” I asked.

“Eh…often enough, I guess. My family drinks a lot of tea, you could say,” Hino replied vaguely.

Tea was generally not something I would go out of my way to purchase at a specialty store, so I couldn’t help but wonder if her family was a bunch of stuffy rich people—or was I just uncultured? She grabbed a basket and filled it with five bags of the same ginger tea. Apparently this was what they’d asked her to pick up over the phone.

“I bet a cup of that would warm you right up,” I commented as I watched her. Personally, I would’ve preferred to stand there in silence, but I felt obligated to make at least a token attempt at small talk.

Hino picked up one of the bags and stroked the label. “It helps combat cold sensitivity…according to my family, anyway.”

“You don’t drink it?”

“Nah. I don’t have cold sensitivity problems.” She returned the bag to her basket. “Now where was it…?”

She stared up at a shelf of black tea blends near the register, then glanced over at the shelf of Chinese tea blends next to it. Under each shelf, the corresponding blends were packed into little tins, enabling customers to smell the tea leaves prior to purchase. I didn’t know the first thing about tea varieties, so every now and then I just grabbed a tin at random and sniffed it. Some smelled minty while others smelled astringent. But since I wasn’t a tea connoisseur, I had no way of discerning good from bad.

Meanwhile, Hino sniffed each tin in turn. Is she going to recognize it by smell? I decided to sit back and let her do her thing, so I turned and looked out at the mall’s main walkway.

I could see a little lounge area with benches situated around a giant decorative tree all wrapped up with Christmas lights. Each bulb flashed different colors: red, blue, and yellow, in sequence. It didn’t stand out much here in broad daylight, but once the sun went down I was sure it would turn heads. Its branches were covered with all sorts of glittery ornaments, like apples and stars. I vaguely remembered seeing something similar in a picture book when I was little.

Christmas was on its way, and the whole town seemed abuzz with energy, people milling to and fro. I turned back to the store, then quietly hung my head.

Deep down, I knew it wasn’t normal for two girls to hang out on Christmas. Nor was it normal for me to get excited about the prospect. Shimamura certainly wasn’t excited for Christmas. To her, it was probably just another mundane event on the calendar.

There was a stark difference between my enthusiasm level and hers. The question was, did I want her to notice that? If I didn’t, then I probably wouldn’t act like this, so I guess maybe I did. But what if that realization pushed her further away from me? The thought terrified me.

This was the experience of having a crush in a nutshell.

“I’ve got a question for you, Adatsy-kun.”

Hastily, I looked up. Hino was glancing over her shoulder at me as she reached for a bag of tea on the shelf.

“What’s up?” I prompted.

“Will you get mad at me if I tell you this is it and then it turns out to…not be it?”

“No? I wouldn’t hold that against you.”

“Okay, cool, because this is probably it.”

She grabbed the bag and handed it to me. Evidently she’d tracked it down a lot more easily than I was expecting her to. The label read Legend of Africa. Not really the first thing I’d think of when I thought of Shimamura, but okay. Is this black tea? From Africa? Does Africa even have tea? I guess they do.

“Wanna pay for these together?” Hino asked, indicating her basket. I nodded and set the African tea with her other bags.

Once we finished paying for our stuff, Hino pointed at a coffee shop right nearby. The store was mostly devoid of customers, and the sign out front advertising soft-serve ice cream was largely ignored by the passersby.

“Wanna get a drink and hang out?”

“Sure…maybe just for a bit.”

I wanted to repay her for tagging along with me, so we walked a handful of steps over to the empty coffee shop.

“I’ll buy,” I declared, taking a step forward and raising my wallet aloft in the air.

Her eyes widened. “How come?”

“To thank you…for…coming with me.”

“Aha! Now I get why Shimamura likes you!”

It was a rather straightforward compliment, and one that I was happy to accept.

Once our coffee was ready, we chose a place to sit…and that was when I noticed the chairs. They reminded me of the sort of thing you’d see in a junior high school shop class—crude, unpolished, and almost entirely made of wood. Were they someone’s hand-me-downs? They smelled like sawdust.

I leaned back against the backrest and it creaked like it was barely attached.

“It’s kinda cold in here, huh? My legs are freezing!” Hino exclaimed, scuffing her shoes against the floor as she cupped her fingers around her coffee.

Indeed, the warmth from the in-store heater didn’t seem to reach our bare legs, where the chill of winter had seemingly taken up permanent residence. Perhaps the biggest threat to this store’s success was lurking right there under the tables.

I’d already been burned once—literally—so I took my time with my drink, blowing on it between small sips. But even if I were the kind of person who could chug hot beverages like a fish in water, I imagine I still would’ve paused to blow on it. That way I’d have an excuse for my silence.

Just then, Hino pointed at me. “I bet you feel awkward ’cause there’s nothing to talk about, huh?”

It felt like she had read my mind. At first I was impressed, but then I realized it must have been obvious. I responded with a stiff smile, to which she smiled back. But hers was genuine and innocent, and perhaps that, more so than anything else, spoke to her true character as a human being.

“Honestly, it’s like this with Nagafuji, too. But with her, it’s actually more awkward when she ta—”

She froze, her mouth hanging open, and sloooowly tilted her head to the right, peering over me at the main walkway outside the store. Following her line of sight, I looked over my shoulder—and my eyes opened so wide, they nearly shot out of my head.

Shimamura and Nagafuji were walking side by side, Shimamura affectionately resting her hand on Nagafuji’s shoulder.

Reflexively, Hino and I exchanged a glance.

“Oh ho… So that’s why she was ‘busy,’ eh…?”

She nodded stiffly to herself, then put her chin in her hands and looked at me. Somehow I could sense compassion from her gaze. As for Shimamura and Nagafuji, they kept right on walking without ever noticing us; I watched them until they disappeared from sight. My eyes hurt, probably because I’d forgotten to blink. Even my eyelids felt numb.

“Did she tell you they were going to hang out?”

By “she,” Hino probably meant Shimamura. Silently, I shook my head.

Truth be told, this was actually really upsetting to me…but why? Wasn’t Shimamura allowed to go shopping with a friend? Of course she was. But…something about it knocked the Christmas spirit right out of me, and the hole it left behind was palpable, like a missing block in a game of Jenga. Gone was my sense of security; now all that remained was anxiety and panic. My eyes felt dry. Yeah…I was definitely forgetting to blink.

“Oh, good grief,” Hino muttered. She leaned forward and patted me on the shoulder. “What am I gonna do with you, kid?”

“…Huh? What do you mean?” I stared at her, confused. She jostled me so hard, I was seeing stars.

“Wanna tail them?” Hino suggested, half-joking, but also half-serious.

Without thinking, I opened my mouth wide—but no words came. My lips opened and closed like a goldfish out of water. Then, finally, my brain caught up to me. The little girl inside me was telling me to go…which meant it was almost certainly the wrong thing to do.

“Nah, let’s not. They’re…you know…busy or whatever.”

I could hear the sarcasm in my voice. Silently, I cursed myself. Shimamura was allowed to hang out with other people—if anything, the time she spent with me was the exception rather than the rule—so why did it gnaw at me like this? Right now, what I wanted more than anything was not to tail them, but to run right up to them and join them.

Hino seemed to be handling it better than I was, but deep down, perhaps she felt the same way—like someone had just shone a spotlight onto our inferiority.

“Oh, Adatsy, you’re such a good kid,” she teased, smiling slightly.

I had yet to really thank her for all her help today, but now, in more than one sense, it felt like I’d let a priceless opportunity slip by.

After that incident, we downed our drinks as fast as possible, then awkwardly headed out of the mall.

Did Hino walk with me back to the bike parking area?

Honestly, I don’t remember.

 

***

 

I sat with one finger hovered over my phone screen, wavering back and forth.

“Why were you with Nagafuji just now?”

No, that sounded too aggressive. Particularly the “why” part. The more directly I asked, the angrier I sounded.

Given the slightest introspection, it would appear that I was jealous.

Shimamura was just innocently having a fun time with her friend, but here I was, acting like I’d been betrayed or something. She hadn’t done anything to warrant this sort of interrogation. I was hurt over nothing. I knew that. But I was hurt nonetheless.

I was dying to ask her about it, but I couldn’t decide whether I had the right to ask. Was it really any of my business?

From her perspective, I’d essentially done the same thing—hung out with Hino without her permission. Well, maybe that’s a weird way of putting it. Behind her back, I guess. But even if she found out about it, she probably wouldn’t care. I could picture myself telling her, only for her to reply “whoa, that’s weird”—end of conversation. And if that’s how she would look at it, then I needed to look at it that way, too…or did I?

What am I to Shimamura, anyway?

This question helped to bridle my rampant emotions, successfully preventing me from lashing out in the heat of the moment. Instead, I flung my phone down and collapsed onto my bed. My hair was still wet from the bath I took earlier, but I didn’t feel like getting up.

I reached out and grabbed two things: my pillow and the little brown bag of African tea. The employee at the counter had kindly gift-wrapped it for me—I guess Hino requested it or something. I gazed at it blankly until the restlessness in my chest melted away in a mass of white-hot yearning.

I was just a friend to her. Nothing more, nothing less. I needed to remember that.

At some point I’d deluded myself into thinking I was the only person in her life, but this simply wasn’t the case, and I had no right to get upset that I was wrong about it. No matter how intense my feelings got, they would only ever be one-sided.

“I regret everything.”

These embers had burned in my chest all day long. Bit by bit, I crushed them between my molars until my mouth was full of bitter, pulpy ash. I hated the taste, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep until the work was done.

Once I swallowed the last of the filth, it was time to wipe the slate clean and start over.

Regardless of what sort of relationship I wanted with Shimamura, the fact remained that she and I were just regular friends. With this knowledge in mind, I wanted our bond to grow stronger. To that end, all I could really do was take it one day at a time. One holiday at a time.

But there was one thing I needed to keep firmly in mind: The closer we got, the more easily she’d feel my heat. And I couldn’t let her plunge her hand into that fire—I needed to control the intensity, lest she get burned.

So what did I want her to feel from me on Christmas Day? Love? Romance? No, no, no! Why did I always come back to that?

The correct answer, of course, was affection.

My heart was filled with this red-hot magma. Would there ever come a day that she’d appreciate its warmth?

“Shimamura…”

I murmured her name, and my chest burned hot enough to tide me over until this long, cold winter came to an end.