Chapter 4: Marigold (A Saint’s Loving Embrace)

Chapter 4:
Marigold
(A Saint’s Loving Embrace)

T O NO ONE’S SURPRISE, least of all my own, I didn’t get any sleep that night. As I squinted against the rays of morning sun streaming in between the gaps in the curtains, I summed myself up in one sentence.

“I never learn.”

The slightest shake of my head resulted in throbbing pain, as if my brain was slamming against my skull. I felt like a little kid who’d been too excited to sleep the night before a field trip. Lethargy weighed on my body like a ton of bricks, and I closed my eyes. In the darkness, I could focus on the sound of my own breathing and shut off my other four senses. Detached from my shoulders and my heavy head, I exhaled, then inhaled again.

I repeated this process a few times until, oddly enough, the sluggish feeling began to recede. Once it was gone, I reached over and grabbed my phone beside my pillow. I checked my inbox just in case, but I hadn’t received any messages since Shimamura’s “Sure, no problem.” I hopped out of bed.

If I was going to make my ghostly pale face a little more presentable, I had to put on at least a bit of makeup. But first I’d need to get dressed, maybe have some toast, wash my face… Bit by bit, I planned out my morning routine in my head.

One silver lining—I didn’t end up wearing my cheongsam out of desperation this time. That said, Shimamura did seem to like the dress, and if she asked me to, I’d wear it for her anytime. Then again, knowing me, I’d probably do anything Shimamura asked.

Man, I’m such a terminal case…or maybe it’s normal? No, probably not… Yeah, I’ve got it pretty bad. My head already ached, and this internal conflict only added to it. The pain made me feel sick to my stomach.

The temperature in the hallway outside my room wasn’t much different. The floor felt like ice.

“Am I in trouble…?”

Given how cold it was, I wasn’t sure Shimamura would choose me over her warm kotatsu .

***

I was only 50 percent joking about the kotatsu thing, but when I saw Shimamura walk into the classroom, my worries melted away like snow under spring sun. Only in winter could I truly feel her presence fill my chest with warmth. In fact, if we’d been the only two people in the room, I probably would’ve waved and shouted like an excitable puppy. Suddenly, I no longer cared how sleep-deprived I was, all thanks to my sunshine.

Ugh, sunshine. I had figured I’d get over my initial embarrassment after a while, but nope. Still cringey.

Instead of heading straight to her desk, Shimamura walked over to me first. Already?! Frozen in fear, I raised my arms slightly as if to brace for impact.

She smiled. “Don’t worry. I made sure to bring it.” With that, she walked away.

Right. Of course she wouldn’t give it to me in public. By no means did that surprise me, but it felt like agony to have to wait—as if I was her dog, and she’d commanded me to stay . Okay, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad. But if I was her dog, then she’d hold me in her arms and let me curl up on her lap. Now that I thought about it, being her dog sounded pretty appealing. No, no, no. No, no, no! I dug my nails into my forehead, willing myself to come to my senses.

Previously I’d wondered whether I’d possibly turned into a total buffoon in recent months, and this removed all doubt from my mind.

A few minutes into first period, I turned around and made eye contact with Shimamura. Was this what it felt like to have your mom in the classroom with you during Bring Your Parents to School Day back in grade school? I turned and faced forward, scribbling circles in my notebook with my mechanical pencil.

If our eyes met…that meant Shimamura was looking at me, too.

Of course, given that I sat between her and the chalkboard, one could say that it was only natural she was looking in my direction. That would mean she constantly looked at me from behind. Did she notice me acting weird at all? What if she could secretly read minds, and she knew about all my daydreams during class? I’d probably kill myself. Fortunately, I hadn’t noticed her shrinking away from me in terror, so I was pretty sure she couldn’t read my mind…like 95 percent sure. But if at any point that changed, and she clapped me on the shoulder and said, “Puberty must be hard for you,” I would literally die.

These thoughts had me so distracted, I could scarcely focus on class. I glanced around the room. No one else seemed giddy about the holiday; to them, it was apparently just another day. Was I the only person on Earth who was excited for Valentine’s Day? Nobody else? Really?

Maybe they were all just waiting until school let out. Hell, so was I. And if I let myself get this worked up at 9 A.M., I wasn’t going to last until 3. I needed to relax and outline my goals for the day: go to Nagoya, buy chocolate, and do the gift exchange. Anything else was a bonus.

Maybe I should make a memo, I thought. But when I looked down at my hands…

“Oh.”

I had drawn a big circle in the center of my paper, right in the middle of my notes—so dark, I probably wouldn’t be able to erase it fully. I looked at the circle, thought about it for a moment, then added petals along the outer rim.

A dark flower bloomed ominously in my hands.

***

I couldn’t remember a thing that happened during my afternoon classes. At some point after lunch, my brain ran out of memory and shut down. As evidence of that, I had a massive headache. Clearly, this was sleep deprivation taking a toll on my body.

I still had the rest of the day to look forward to, yet my weak- willed heart already yearned for my bed. I pinched my heavy eyelids; they made a pleasant popping sound as I blinked. I told myself it was the sound of my body rejuvenating, then rose to my feet.

I needed to get to Shimamura before anyone else could, so I hurried to her desk. She looked up at me, her textbooks in hand, and slowly smiled. “Are we still on for today?”

“Yeah.” If I’d had a tail, it would’ve wagged like crazy right about now.

“Anywhere in particular you want to go?”

“I was thinking Nagoya—is that okay? Or is it too far?”

“Nagoya?” she repeated quietly, her eyes wide. Was it too much of a leap?

Before I could explain myself, she suddenly burst out laughing. Now I was worried for a different reason altogether; after all, I had no clue what she found so funny about this.

“Incredible,” she said. “Almost like fate, isn’t it?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?”

“Oh, nothing. If you hadn’t suggested Nagoya, I was about to. Let’s get going!” She haphazardly stuffed her textbooks into her bag, then jumped up from her chair.

Wait, so…she wanted to go to Nagoya, too? She was acting so unlike herself, it gave me pause.

Then she peered into my eyes. “So, what do you want to do when we get to Nagoya?”

“Buy chocolate… I, uh, haven’t bought any yet, and…I thought maybe it’d be fun to wait until the big day and—”

Shimamura burst out laughing once again right in the middle of my excuse. “Ha ha ha ha! You wanna buy chocolate in Nagoya, huh? Sounds like a good idea!”

I fell silent. What was going on with her? Was she just…in a really good mood? Something felt different about her, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. It was a total mystery. Either way, I was glad to see that she was enthusiastic about hanging out.

Come to think of it, she had yet to give me her gift. I glanced furtively at her; she quickly sensed what was on my mind.

“Did you want your chocolate?”

I nodded three times in quick succession.

She patted her bookbag. “I wanna wait until you buy mine. Otherwise it’s not a fair exchange, you know?”

I have to wait even longer? Ugh. Still, she had a point. Apparently, I was Shimamura’s dog through and through. I scratched my nose in embarrassment.

“You sure you don’t wanna go home and change into your Chinese dress first?” she teased after we arrived at the bike-parking area.

I scowled and contemplated a witty response. If you want me to wear it so badly, then I don’t mind.

Unfortunately, it came out as, “If…you…want me to…”

I stumbled over practically every word. Even the fried rice at my job could speak better Japanese than me.

“No, no. It’d take too long,” Shimamura replied. Evidently, she thought I was being serious. But for the record, no, I wasn’t. Obviously.

Before I could humiliate myself further, I hopped onto my bike, and Shimamura followed suit. We hadn’t even left campus yet, but oh well—I started pedaling.

Shimamura was probably the only person who would ever ride on the back of my bike for the rest of time.

At least, I secretly hoped so.

***

When we arrived at the train station, Shimamura looked at the clock and said, “Oh, we can still make the train if we run!” I had no idea how she’d memorized the train schedule that well, but we started running anyway. We came to a stop and caught our breath as the escalator carried us up to the second floor. Then, once we were at the landing, we took off again.

When Shimamura was the one calling the shots, even exercise could be fun. Kinda.

As we passed through the turnstiles and up to the train platform, a regular (non-express) train was waiting for us on the right-hand side, so we piled onto it. It wasn’t as packed as the express train, but it was still decently full. Of all the seats in this particular car, only one was open—an end seat.

“Looks like there’s a free seat,” Shimamura commented. Then she laughed. Again. “Why don’t you take it, Adachi?”

“I’m good. You can have it.”

“No, I think you should have it. You were sleeping in class.”

This took the wind right out of my sails. Man, I hate our seating arrangement.

“Okay, fine…”

Reluctantly, I sat on the very edge of the seat. Shimamura looked at me, and then a beat later she started laughing again. Why the heck is she so giggly today? Is she just in a good mood? Because…because she’s with me? Because we’re hanging out? Or…?

As an alternate explanation occurred to me, I reached up and touched my cheek.

“Hey, Shimamura?”

“Yeah?”

“Does my face look weird, by any chance?” I asked anxiously. Maybe that was what she was laughing at.

At my question, Shimamura’s eyes widened in surprise. Wait, so it doesn’t? Was that question stupid? My gaze flitted restlessly to and fro. Then Shimamura started laughing again. Seriously, what is with her today?

Still, her high spirits were like a soothing balm for my nerves.

“On a non-express train, I think it should take us, like, twenty or so minutes to get there,” she said.

“Uh…yeah,” I nodded, although I didn’t actually know for sure.

Holding on to the grab rail, Shimamura peered down at me. “Kind of a boring ride, don’t you think?”

It felt as if she was telling me to come up with an entertaining solution, when normally that was her job.

“Okay then, uh…wanna play word chain or something?”

A split-second after I suggested it, I cursed my stupidity. What am I, five?

But Shimamura agreed without hesitation. “Sure, that works.”

Seriously?!

Before I could recover, she started us off. “Apple.”

“Uhh…escarole.”

“Wow, that’s a curveball. Okay, something with E… Um…Easter.”

“Rui-be .”

“I don’t think most people would know what that is, much less how to spell it!”

We continued our quiet little game of word chain. Meanwhile, the train stopped at each station, and other passengers came and went. There were several opportunities when we could’ve moved to newly vacated seats elsewhere in the train car, but we stayed right where we were, as if we were scared of losing our momentum.

Then it was my turn again, and my letter was L.

A word that started with L…

“Lo…”

Love.

“Lohhvh!”

It was a word I would ordinarily never say aloud, and my tongue stumbled over it.

Shimamura blinked. “What was that supposed to be?”

“Louvre…”

“Oh, that. Yeah, I don’t know how to pronounce that, either.”

She bought my lie without an ounce of doubt. Thank you, France, I thought as the taste of copper spread in my mouth.

We arrived at Nagoya Station, and I found myself wishing that it had taken a little longer, since I enjoyed the feeling of being “on a trip” with Shimamura. I wanted to go to all kinds of places with her—not just take these quick little trips—and this dream illuminated my path forward.

Not that I really needed any extra light at the moment. It was blindingly bright down here on the department store’s basement floor—so bright, I was afraid everyone could see my uvula every time I opened my mouth. The place was packed full of people, too. Like high school, only ten times worse. It was kind of surreal, actually.

As we entered the confectionery section, Shimamura pointed at one kiosk seemingly at random. “Whoa, check out that huge line! You could probably buy it there, couldn’t you?”

Sure enough, the kiosk had a very long line, which suggested that the place was popular. Everyone standing in said line was female.

“But if we get in that line, you’ll have to wait a long time,” she added.

Before I could suggest a different kiosk, Shimamura nodded pensively. “Let’s see…” She pulled out her phone like she was checking something. “Eh, we’re good,” she murmured to herself, then looked back at me. “Let’s just think of something to kill time. Something that isn’t word chain this time.”

Normally Shimamura would never want to go to all this hassle, so she must’ve been in a ridiculously good mood today. As happy as it made me, I was still really confused…but at the very least, I wasn’t scared.

“Okay, uh…how about…thumb wrestling…?” I suggested, since that would give me an excuse to hold her hand. Once again, it was something a grade-schooler would think of.

Yet she agreed to it nonetheless. “Sure, that works.” She’s such a big-sister type. A wave of warmth washed over me at the thought.

We were there, thumb wrestling, for nearly twenty minutes as we waited in line. Then, finally, I succeeded in buying chocolate. That said, it was just a variety pack, with no heart shapes or anything to suggest a Valentine’s theme…because that was the only thing they had left in stock.

With my gift now acquired, we relocated to a corner of the basement floor—the area with the elevators and some available seats. Here, the crowds weren’t quite as robust. We sat down facing each other, and Shimamura grinned at me for the umpteenth time. If only she knew how badly that stressed me out every time she did it. After all, it meant I had to stay on guard to keep myself from grinning like an idiot.

“Okay, time for me to come clean.” She pulled out a package from the same kiosk. “I actually bought your chocolate at the exact same place yesterday.”

“Oh, gotcha… Wait, what?!”

Why would she encourage me to buy hers there if it meant we’d end up giving each other the exact same thing? Did she want to try these specific chocolates or something?

“Okay, time to trade,” said Shimamura. “Here you go! Happy Valentine’s Day.”

I was still kind of confused, but…a gift was a gift, I guess…so we exchanged the exact same box of chocolates. In a way, it felt like discarding a playing card only to draw that exact same card all over again, but in our case, it had more meaning. I exchanged chocolates with Shimamura. This alone was huge. Surely nothing else that happened today could possibly be more important than that.

“Don’t just use them for decoration, okay? Promise me you’ll eat them before they expire.”

She probably meant this as a joke, of course, but I began to sweat internally. How did she know?

“Okay then, uh…I’ll eat them right now,” I blurted to deflect my panic.

“Wow, you move quick.” She blinked, mildly surprised.

Just like that, I opened the cling wrap and lifted the lid. Sure enough, inside was a variety assortment, the exact same one I’d bought for her. I grabbed a chocolate at random and popped it into my mouth. As I chewed, I discovered a tart, fruity flavor concealed beneath the milky sweetness. Very satisfying indeed.

“It’s good,” I told her, predictably.

She peered up at my face from a low angle. “You really think so?”

“Uh…yeah…?”

“Hmmm…”

She stared at me ever more curiously, leaning in closer. For some reason, she was really skeptical. Then I noticed how close we were, and I found myself thinking, You know, maybe it’s not so bad having my sincerity questioned.

Just then, Shimamura pressed her fingers to the corner of my lips. Confused, I stared back at her as she poked at me again and again.

The chocolate had long since melted in my mouth, but its sweetness lingered.

“Okay, I believe you,” she said. Apparently accepting my word as true, she pulled back. Idly, I wondered if there was anything suspicious I could do to weaken my case.

“Why don’t you have one, too?” On a whim, I picked up a white chocolate and offered it to her.

“Okay then, I’ll try one.”

She reached out to take it—but I dodged her fingers and held it up to her mouth instead. “Um…say ‘ahh’!”

Silence.

Uh, hello? Please say something before this chocolate melts between my fingers. I’m dying.

“Uhh…okay…” With mild reluctance in her voice, she leaned forward and took a bite of the chocolate. She chewed for a moment. “Oh, wow, these are good!”

She patted her gift box happily. Evidently, she was looking forward to opening hers later. In that case, I was glad we both got the same thing.

I figured I’d save the rest of the chocolates for another time, so I carefully replaced the lid and packaging. I wanted to take my time and really savor them.

To avoid the excess crowds, we took the stairs back up to the ground floor. When we arrived at the landing, Shimamura pulled out her cell phone once again.

“Almost time now,” she muttered to herself.

“For what?” I asked.

She tucked her phone away. “Just follow me, okay?”

With that, she started walking. I followed curiously alongside her.

She led me outside the train station, and as we arrived at an area with a weird silver art installation, the night wind came to greet us.

“Over there,” she declared, pointing in the direction of the barely-sufficient shrubbery. We walked over and looked up at the LED display affixed there. It looked like a billboard, but nothing was currently displayed, and the whole thing was dark.

I noticed that, for some reason, a whole bunch of opposite-sex couples were gathered around, staring up at the LED display. What were they waiting for? I shot an inquiring look at Shimamura. She smirked at me out of the corner of her eye.

“It starts at six. Oh, there it goes!”

She pointed at the LED display, and I shifted my gaze in kind.

There, on what was once an empty signboard, were dozens of messages—“I love you, so-and-so ” and “hugs & kisses XOXO ” and a bunch of other cheesy stuff that gave me secondhand embarrassment. The text scrolled horizontally, like a train’s announcement screen. As each new message appeared, I heard giddy shouts of “That one’s mine!” and “I wrote that!” from the crowd. Evidently, these were special Valentine’s Day messages.

Then, amid all the other messages, I saw it.

“LET’S KEEP ROCKIN’!! Shimamura Hougetsu”

The name was written in kanji, and at first, I didn’t recognize it…but then it clicked. Shimamura .

“Oh!” I did a double take. Your first name is Hougetsu?

“Wait, what? Why is your name up there?” Confused, I looked from Shimamura to the screen and back.

She grinned playfully, like a little kid. “This late-night horoscope show was running a special promotion, so I entered.”

Instantly, I knew exactly what she was talking about, because I’d watched the exact same horoscope show myself. Wait… She watched that show every night? This took me by surprise.

Then another realization hit me—this was the prize the show offered?

“I didn’t actually think I’d show up in person to see it, though, so I just wrote something generic.” She turned back to the display. I followed suit, but her message had already scrolled offscreen, replaced by someone else’s. “Man, look at ’em go!” she laughed.

I was still thinking about Shimamura’s message. Was it addressed to me?

“But, like…what does that mean …?” I muttered.

“Huh? It means what it sounds like! Keep rockin’! You need me to demonstrate…?” She seemed to be struggling.

That only flustered me worse. “I mean, like, what’s the general idea behind it? ‘Let’s stay friends,’ or…?”

Is that it? I wondered. Is it that simple? What if she rolls her eyes at me for being stupid?

As I panicked, Shimamura thrust a fist into the air. “Whoooo!” She lowered her arm as quickly as she’d raised it. “How’s that?” she asked, tilting her head.

“Oh…o-okay… That works.” Likewise, I thrust my fist into the air. “Whoooo.”

Whatever she hoped this would be like, she was probably pretty disappointed right about now. Quietly, she watched as my arm slowly sank back down to my side.

“On second thought, maybe it was the perfect message for you.”

“Huh?”

“When I wrote it, you were the person on my mind.”

She let out a dopey chuckle in an exaggerated display of bashfulness…and that was what pushed me over the edge. The water level in my chest rose, and then a veritable tidal wave of joy swiftly swept me off my feet.

Shimamura wanted to stay friends with me.

I was so consumed with emotion, my tongue numbed. My mind went blank—my vision went blank—until all I could process were bits and pieces. Scenery. Motion.

The next thing I knew, I pressed up against her.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t blink. All sound was drowned out, and I could no longer move or feel my individual body parts, not even my arms wrapped around her. In that moment, I was just one solid mass. Even my sight blurred.

But there was one thing I knew for certain—Shimamura was here in my arms, and I was in hers.

“Adachi…?”

Her voice rippled against my neck, diverting my attention to the ringing in my ears. My eyeballs felt as if they were boiling in my skull. When I could stand it no longer, I clapped Shimamura hard on the back. I felt my flushed ears throbbing hard.

“Ghhcck!”

Coughing violently, Shimamura pulled away, and the feeling returned to my limbs. Then the blood drained from my face—only to come rushing back with a vengeance. Someone, please, teach my body how to relax.

“Where did that come fr—” Shimamura began, only to be interrupted by more coughing. I felt both guilty and embarrassed; my tongue faltered and failed to carry out an apology. My windpipe was so tight, it felt as if I was about to start coughing, too.

“Sorry,” I choked, with all the strength I could muster from my throat. My neck cramped up and started to ache. The pain slowly radiated down my spine.

“I just wasn’t expecting it.” Scratching her neck, Shimamura glanced around slightly, as though worried about drawing attention.

Granted, it was kinda weird…you know, hugging it out in public…especially since we were both girls. In my head, I understood that, but my body had moved on autopilot.

“Anyway, yeah, um…let’s not do the ‘surprise silent hug’ thing anymore, okay?” she continued, as if gently reprimanding a child.

I nodded vigorously. Wait… Does that mean it’s cool as long as I say something?

“So, you’re okay with it?” I asked.

“Huh?”

“I mean, as long as I…you know…ask first, or something?” I gestured with my arms as though I was some kind of pincer claw.

She stared at me for a moment, and then it clicked. “Huh? You want to hug me?”

I wavered…then nodded meekly.

Her eyes darted around awkwardly. “What for?”

Did…did you seriously just ask me that?

At this, I started to panic. It had just been an impulse—there was no clear reasoning behind it. I needed Shimamura…but obviously I couldn’t just say that flat out! Then I saw her shivering in the wind and thought of a plausible answer.

“Because…you’re warm? I guess?”

She looked back at me dubiously, her eyes narrowed. My first instinct was to come up with a different excuse to cover for the first one, but I could already tell that I would end up digging my own grave if I tried. I was now completely cornered. So, with no other option left, I decided to fully commit to my original answer, come hell or high water.

“Let’s warm up!” I suggested.

I could practically feel steam rising from my face and ears. Truth be told, I didn’t really need any extra warmth; I felt like I was trapped in a sauna from the neck up. But that was where Shimamura came in, right?! Yes, I could foist some of this extra heat onto her instead! What a wholesome reason for a hug!

Spurred on by the momentum I’d created, I opened my arms wide. Her lips twisted in an uneven frown. Then, after gazing down at her box of chocolates for a moment, she packed it into her bookbag and gave the whole thing two firm pats. She shook her head slightly, then looked back at me with a strained smile as she gave her usual answer.

“Uhhh…sure, why not.”

Up on the display screen, dozens of messages flew by, seemingly too fast for me to read. That was probably just a hallucination on my part, though.

Meanwhile, Shimamura spread her arms out in a T-pose and waited. “All right, bring it in.”

This presented a problem for me, because I definitely wasn’t brave enough to run into her arms. Lowering mine back to my sides, I slowly approached her. But then I saw her start to shiver and felt the sudden urge to hurry, and as a result, I nearly tripped over my own two feet. Fortunately, she was there to catch me.

Whmmph .

“Oof!” Shimamura let out a groan of pain as my forehead collided with her collarbone.

I was likewise knocked dizzy by the impact. Panic made everything fly by in fast-forward, and the ringing in my ears was deafening, but at least I could still feel her collarbone this time.

“You know, when I said ‘let’s keep rockin’,’ this isn’t exactly what I had in mind…”

As I pressed my face against her chest, a small sigh ruffled my hair—a sigh that said, “Oh, you.” She patted me softly on the back. “You call this warm? You’re all skin and bones!”

I relaxed my tense body, resting my weight against her. My forehead still pressed down hard against her collarbone.

“Agh!” she groaned again from somewhere above me.

Did everyone around us think we were weird? Were they laughing at us? I didn’t know—I could only see Shimamura. In that sense, it was heaven on earth. This was everything I had ever dreamed of.

But as I drifted along in a warm, blissful haze, I started to worry that perhaps it was all just a dream. I needed something to prove that it was real. So, I lifted my barely functional arms and wrapped them around her.