Chapter 4: Shimamura’s Blade

Chapter 4:
Shimamura’s Blade

THE CALL WAS CONNECTED, and yet her voice felt so distant. My mind was distant, too. It felt like there was some unidentified spherical mass between my ears.

“You’re really quiet today.”

Shimamura let out a breath, or maybe an awkward laugh. She was the same as always…but for the first time, it angered me. The pit of my stomach felt like a cast-iron wok, hot and heavy.

I knew I shouldn’t take it out on her. I was being irrational. But the more I bottled it up, the more unstable I became, and now I was on the cusp of a meltdown. Desperately, I searched for the right words. What I sought was the first step toward a calm, respectful conversation where I asked my questions and she answered them. Then we could forget all this awkwardness and go back to normal.

But of course, those perfect words didn’t exist.

The air conditioning brushed against my rounded back. The sun was high in the sky, but now a big, puffy cloud had come home to roost.

“Adachi? Come on, what’s gotten into you?” she asked me, like she was worried. Personally, I wanted to ask her the same thing.

“Shimamura…”

Eight days had passed since the night I saw her there. And the day after the second big festival, I…

***

I was completely and utterly deflated. If people’s souls were attached to their bodies, then mine was hanging by a thread. I was an empty husk.

Shimamura had gone to the festival with another girl. I saw her from the karaage stand. But she probably didn’t notice me; she was holding hands with her sister and that blue-haired girl.

But there was another girl with them—one I vaguely recognized from somewhere—walking along with Shimamura like they were close friends. And the pièce de résistance? She called her “Shima-chan,” a sweet, natural-sounding nickname. For me, nothing felt right except “Shimamura,” but now someone had surpassed me, and now she had taken my place at Shimamura’s side, and now I was sincerely, genuinely ready to tear my own hair out. Right to this very moment, I felt like crying and screaming.

If only I hadn’t been asked to work that night, I would have run after her—no, I’m just making excuses. Even if I weren’t on the clock, I’m sure I would have stood there helplessly. It hit me harder than I was prepared to endure.

Whoever she was, she wasn’t in our class, and Shimamura didn’t have club activities or a part-time job, so this friend of hers existed outside the scope of her everyday life—as far as I knew, at least. But now I was suddenly faced with a part of Shimamura I didn’t know. It wasn’t the first time something like this had happened, but last time it was just Nagafuji. Back then I was still devastated and jealous and hurt, sure, but this? This was an entire order of magnitude worse.

It felt like all the worst parts of summer had been condensed into a poisonous mist that slowly dissolved me inside and out. No matter how high I cranked up the AC, the humidity clung to me. Was that why I felt this way? I didn’t care about anything else anymore. I was just miserable.

Meanwhile, my brain was firing on all cylinders, popping like fireworks. I was exhausted, and yet my mind refused to shut off. Functionally, I was now an insomniac. Every minute of this agony felt like an eternity, and there was no way to fast-forward. Watching the clock only made me feel worse, so eventually, I stopped checking.

With each day reduced to just “daytime” and “nighttime,” my entire routine got thrown out of whack. The only thing my brain remembered was my work schedule; my body would spring up on its own, carry out its tasks, then return home, all on autopilot. Why was I somehow more efficient when I wasn’t thinking? Was all my hard work just a waste of time?

As I lay facedown on the bed, my mind continually wandered back to the cell phone on my desk. I kept hoping she would contact me—ideally to explain herself, since I was so sure there had to be some special circumstances behind her presence at the festival. But Shimamura never reached out. No calls, no emails. As if to suggest that her calendar of events was none of my business.

This gut-wrenching misery continued for five days.

My eyes burned as I buried my face in my pillow. I was so sure I was a little more special than any of her other friends, but in the end, it was all in my head. This was my punishment for getting too full of myself.

Did I really mean nothing to her at all?

My petty side was the first to react—the part of me that selfishly resented her for breaking a promise I never communicated to her. If she won’t talk to me, then I won’t talk to her either, I decided sulkily. I held my ground, punishing her for something that wasn’t her fault. Then I spent my time zoning out while I “forgot” to charge my phone.

My summer vacation to-do list fluttered in the breeze of the AC, reminding me that I still hadn’t checked off a single thing, pissing on the grave of my hopes and dreams.

It wasn’t until three days later that something finally broke the stalemate: I realized there was simply no way I could forget that she existed. Before Shimamura, my life was tragically bland and empty; nothing noteworthy ever happened. So if I cut her out, the details of this summer vacation would barely fill a single page of an essay, if that.

Outside of Shimamura, I had nothing. Cut me open and I would bleed Shimamura. So how could she do this to me? Every time I let my guard down, tears welled in my eyes. I knew my feelings were one-sided, and yet…was it so wrong to want her to return them?

I peeled my face off of my now-flattened pillow and pulled my phone out of the tiny nook where I had hidden it away. Its battery level was precariously low, but I powered it on and checked the call history. Nothing since last time—just a list of distant dates. My thumb hovered over her name, back and forth; when I finally tapped it, I recoiled like it was a ticking time bomb. Frozen in place, I waited for it to detonate.

“Hello? Adachi?”

She picked up right away, and now here we were. I was so emotional, I couldn’t even say hi back.

***

Watching the fireworks alone had inspired feelings in me that refused to fade. The corners of my vision went blurry, and my hearing felt fuzzy.

“Shimamura, I…”

Who is she? Who?

I wanted to ask her. I wanted to know the truth. I wanted to press her for answers. If I wasn’t careful, something inside me might explode. I stomped my foot on the floor, trying to vent it out.

“…Adachi? Did you wanna hang out or something?”

I couldn’t detect a single shred of emotion in her voice, and it frustrated me so bad, I had to suppress the impulse to rip out my own jugular. Of course I wanted to hang out, but this came first. I wrapped my arms around my head like twin snakes, crushing my face in their death grip, choking back bitter regret.

“You went to the festival…didn’t you?”

Everything I was holding back had pinned my tongue in place, so I could only get a few words out. But there was no going back now that I had taken the first step. Bright light flooded my brain, drowning out all thought. With more than half my vision blocked, my eyes had gone unfocused.

“With…some girl I don’t know…”

“…You were there, too? I had no idea. Man, I knew I should have invited—”

“No! I was working… The restaurant had a food stand… Chicken karaage…” My heart was pumping so hard, I could scarcely talk. The water level was at max capacity—drops of emotion spilling out with the slightest shake.

For a moment, there was a pause as Shimamura processed my fragmented feelings. “Oh, I see. A karaage stand… Oh yeah, that’s right! Yashiro was tempted to get some at one point.”

“And you were…with some other girl… Someone I don’t know…”

I bluntly repeated my point. My brain was getting dumber and dumber, incapable of complex thought. Like a child with no vocabulary, I could only whimper the same words over and over.

“Yeah, my friend invited me. So, uhhh…what about it?” she asked innocently, casually, mildly perplexed by my behavior at most. Innocently? Of course she was innocent. From her perspective, she hadn’t done anything wrong. She probably just wanted to hang out with a friend. But to me…

At long last, the question on my mind clawed its way up from the depths:

“…‘What about it’? Why?”

“What?”

“Why were you with her? Who is she? Why did you go with her? Why didn’t you tell me? Sure, I don’t know her, but I still want to know about your life. I want to know you better than anyone else. And I want to be with you more than anyone else—I don’t want anyone being with you more than me. I want us to get along. How could you?”

“Adachi, slow down—”

“I don’t want you having fun without me! Or holding hands with some other girl—just me! I want you to be with me! I wanted to take you to a festival myself! I wanted to be there while you were smiling and having fun! That’s what I wanted! My head hurts so much because I’ve been thinking about you nonstop and losing my mind and…I was waiting for you to call! Why don’t you ever call me or start a conversation? Why does it always have to be me? Don’t you…don’t you care about me even a little? Nothing? Not even a bit? Just friends? Just regular friends? I don’t want to be regular friends—just one step above that! That’s all I want… Shimamura, what do you want me to do? Well? Shimamura, are you listening? Really listen. How do you feel when you hear my voice? Do you feel something? I want you to feel something, anything, even just comfort. That’s what I want. Is that so wrong, Shimamura?! Because it’s you! You’re the one I want! I don’t want anyone else or need anyone else—I only need you. Is it really so selfish to want one measly step? Just one! I don’t care about anyone else—I don’t want them around—so why do you? Just come find me and be with me and stay with me and don’t leave! I don’t want anyone being with you except me. I want to be there with you, so just let me! Who even is she? I don’t know her. I don’t want you to turn into someone I don’t know! I want to know everything about you; I don’t want you to keep anything from me. I hate not knowing because it hurts! It hurts so much, Shimamura… I’d ask you to hang out, but I wanted to take you to a festival. I wanted to go with you, but you went with her! Are you hanging out with her? Where are you right now? Are you with her, Shimamura? Shimamura, are you listening? It’s like I’ve been talking to a brick wall this whole time. Normally you talk a lot more. Why? What’s different? Am I different? Yeah, I must be. I can tell. But I want to know…I want to know about you so bad, it’s messing me up. I don’t want to be apart from you… I want to be with you all the time… I don’t care where we are as long as we’re together… But I haven’t seen you and I miss you but if we met up right now I think I’d cry… I’m already crying… I keep wondering who she is and what she is to you… Are you still listening? Would you rather be with her than with me? Am I not good enough? What part of me isn’t good enough? I’ll work on it, so just tell me… I’ll fix it, I swear, so please just tell me… I want to know… You’re really special to me, you know that? Even if someone else was exactly like you in every way—but they’re not, so it doesn’t matter! Just forget all that! It has to be you! I want us to get along, but it’s just… I want to talk about more than just this, but I can’t stop thinking about it… I mean, you were smiling! I don’t want you smiling at anyone who isn’t me! It sucks, you know? Don’t you ever feel like that? Have you ever had a crush? Do you have feelings for someone? Or anyone at all? Do you know what love is? Sometimes I get scared, wondering why you stay with me. I mean, we’re friends, aren’t we? I think we’re at least friends. Do you think we’re friends? Does it… Hhhnn… Shimamura, say something. Let me hear your voice. Talk about me… I want you to understand me better than…better than anyone. I want to know you, and I want you to know me. I want you to be my number one, and I want to be yours…but…whenever something bad happens, I feel like I’m gonna break down…because it never feels like…I don’t know…like you cherish me? ‘Cherish’ is a weird word, but…but I want you to cherish me! I want to be cherished! Don’t treat me the same as everyone else—just a little tiny bit special is all! Do you ever even think about me? We haven’t seen each other all summer, but…have you thought about me at least once? Because I’ve been thinking about you the whole time! Just you! Nothing but you! So I want you to…think about me, too… Not that we’re the same… I know I’m different…but I still keep hoping… I try to stop it, but…even when you…betray me like this…I still want to talk to you on the phone… But now look at how it’s turned out…and there’s nothing I can do… I don’t know what to do, Shimamura. Shimamura? The call’s still connected, right? We’re still connected? But you’re so far away, and I miss you. I want to see you in person, and see you smile… I want you to stroke my hair and tell me it’ll be okay… Where are you right now? Where? Are you with someone? Is it her? Who is she? I keep asking you—is it that big of a secret? Are you close with her? Closer than me and you? I don’t want that! I don’t want anyone to be closer than me! I don’t want that… Tell me I’m wrong! I need to hear it! Because I think about you all the time! Is that not enough? Not good enough? If you need more than this, then what do I have to do? I don’t know the answer! I keep thinking about it, but I only ever screw up, so just tell me what you want me to be and I’ll try my best, I promise. Truth is, I don’t really care about the other girl. The real problem is that I miss you and I need to make a change, Shimamura. I get that, really… Hey, Shimamura, what are you thinking right now? Am I being weird? Acting crazy? Tell me about you. Talk to me. Chase me. I’m the one who always has to do the work! Me, me, me! This is what happens when the friendship is a one-way street! I’m falling apart, so I just need you to meet me in the middle. Do you hate me now? You don’t hate me, do you? Please don’t hate me. I don’t want that. I don’t want you to hate me. I want—I want you to love me. Someone please love me…but I want it to be you… Do you hate me? Like my mom does? Are you going to stop talking to me now? Pretend I’m invisible? What do you want me to say? How do I get you to notice me? Grow wings and fly? Jump up and down? Hold your hand? Even if I tried, nothing ever seems to work…so what was I supposed to do all this time? How do I make it so nobody… Shimamura, please, I want to hear your voice… Say something… Reassure me… I just don’t want you to smile at anyone else. Smile at me! ME! My head hurts…and my stomach hurts… I’ve been agonizing over this for so long—why didn’t you ever call me? Why didn’t you tell me? I want to know…I want to know about you… My feelings are all jumbled up now and I keep talking in circles, but I can’t help it. I mean, you’re all I think about, Shimamura… You’re all I’ve ever cared about and you’re all I ever will care about. I cherish you… I want to cherish you. I can’t not cherish you…so please just notice that I exist, okay?! I need you to notice me, Shimamura… I don’t want you thinking about other girls. I don’t want that… Are you going to hang out with her again? Where will you go with her? Downtown? To somewhere I’ve already been with you?! Don’t do that! Don’t replace me! Don’t replace our memories together! Will it be any different if you go with her? Will you see different things? No, no, NO! I don’t want that, either! You have to be with me, and we have to share the same things… Feel the same things… You’re acting so weird! No, I know. I’m the one being weird. But I can’t help it… I can’t get you out of my head… You’re always there, Shimamura… Shimamura… Shima…mura… Hhhnn…nnn…hic… Shimamura… Shimamura… Hhh…ghhck…nng… Shimamura? I want… Shimamura… Shimamura… Shimamura… All I want is you… That’s all I want…so please… I’m begging you, Shimamura… Please, just… Shimamura…”

I couldn’t stop myself. In fact, if it wasn’t for the tears flowing into my mouth, I probably could have kept going forever. It was all going downhill, and there was no going back up…not even if Shimamura was waiting for me at the top.

She doesn’t deserve this, a voice chided in my mind. Yeah, I know, I replied silently. I could admit it: I was just jealous. Shimamura hadn’t done anything wrong. But who was I supposed to complain to if not her? Unable to sort out my feelings, I fell into a panic and choked back sobs. Because…I mean…could you really blame me?

Just then, I heard a sigh—so heavy, it threatened to cleave my face in two. And what came next was…

“…So annoying…”

“…Huh?”

In a faint flash, Shimamura’s sharp blade sliced through my barrage of pointed complaints, mowing down my momentum like grass. My melting mind turned to ice as if winter had come early, and sweat dripped down my back like rain.

“This is just getting really tiring, that’s all,” she continued in a flat, pointed voice.

My sweat dried, and I dissociated so hard, I thought I could see my own dilated pupils. I couldn’t move a muscle. It was like the stabbing pain had cut loose all of my motor functions.

Then, with one last heavy sigh, Shimamura hung up. No goodbyes—just gone without a trace. I was “tiring,” and she didn’t want to deal with me.

“…What?”

Timidly, I pulled the phone away from my ear, where Shimamura’s words echoed: So annoying. So annoying. So annoying. The room swayed up and down. My brain had curdled, and I couldn’t think. Instead I froze, staring, my mouth agog.

This was more than mere shock. I was dead inside.