Chapter 5: Are Souls Shared?

Chapter 5:
Are Souls Shared?

EVERYTHING I WORKED so hard to build had come crashing down over my head in a vicious avalanche. No…it wasn’t a natural disaster. It was me—I was the disaster.

Whether I exploded or imploded remained to be seen, but suffice it to say, I burst into pieces as fast as a firework. I knew I was in the wrong, and I knew my overstepping of boundaries had caused Shimamura to bolt. But what else was I supposed to do? I only ever spoke the truth. Everything I did and said (or screamed, as the case may be) was an honest reaction to my own feelings.

I knew pressing the issue would cause friction and other unforeseen complications, but I couldn’t stop myself. In the end, I was the dirty kind of firework, spraying my viscera everywhere.

***

Every day after that was spent picking up the pieces of my own shattered shell. This was now day three of sitting on my bed and sighing heavily. While I was gradually recovering from my despair, my heart was still plagued with regret.

I hadn’t heard a single peep from Shimamura since then—no calls, no emails. Unsurprisingly, she hadn’t tried to initiate a conversation, and my phone was as silent as a grave. Clutching it, I flopped down and rolled around on my bed. Depression pulled me down like gravity, and I was slowly sinking.

Now that I thought about it, this was our first fight—or was it? Did it still count as a “fight” if she had written me off for good? The worst-case scenario rose up in my mind again and again, every time just as painful as the last.

I sat up in bed. No. I won’t let that happen, no matter what.

I felt so rejected, it made me sick to my stomach, and my brain was screaming. Why did I charge in headfirst with no respect to how it might fray our connection? I wanted—no, needed—to mend things with her. I needed everything to go back to normal.

Should I call her? No, maybe email her? No, I should call her, right? I waffled one step forward, then one step back. All I knew for sure was that I couldn’t let it stay like this.

Outside the window, clouds streamed past. They said the cicada population was low this year, but I could hear them clearly. Time passed as I lay there curled in a ball. But while my sadness and pain could fade with time, my love could not.

“…Love?”

The fleeting thought made my cheeks flush. Surely I was overstating things…or was I? Admiring someone deeply…yearning to know everything about them… In my view, those things could reasonably be considered a form of love in their own right. So yes, I loved Shimamura. And there was nothing wrong with that.

God, kill me! I forced myself to face forward, though I could tell I was destined for a neck cramp by the end of the day. My “love” (TBD) was goading me on, telling me something had to change. I needed to take action, and the first step was to talk to her—so the best option was a phone call.

My screen was already slick with the palm sweat of determination. Nevertheless, I hesitantly brought up Shimamura’s contact. But my inner coward was already rearing her head, worried that Shimamura might just send me straight to voicemail. What would I do then? Could I accept the rejection, let go, and move on?

My heart had put up a dozen force fields to minimize any potential damage, but I brushed them away like cobwebs. With encouragement from the seventy-plus unsent emails in my drafts, I tapped the button and reached out to Shimamura.

There was no guarantee this would go well, and honestly, I wasn’t prepared for what would happen if she pushed me away. But life was full of moments where the only option was to wing it, and this was one of them. For me, Shimamura was an essential part of my teenage life.

Every second spent waiting for the phone to connect was fresh torture. It rang, and rang, and rang—

“Yes? Hello?”

“Aaaaahhh!”

My eyes and lips faltered, betraying the panic I wasn’t meant to let show. My heart ached like it was being crushed in a vise, and I curled up on my bed. It wasn’t uncommon for Shimamura’s voice to fluster me, but this time was decidedly different. My fear was winning out, rushing through my bloodstream like poison, making my fingers go numb.

“Helloooo? Sakura-chaaaan?”

There was no trace of annoyance or hostility in her voice, no beating around the bush—just a direct connection between me and her. My first reaction was relief, followed by: “Um, hi…Sh-Shimamura-san.”

I sounded like a kid who wasn’t sure if her mom was mad at her. Classic me.

“Huh? Why so formal all of a sudden?”

“Oh, o-okay… I’ll just call you Shimamura, then.”

“You’ve been calling me Shimamura this whole time, silly. Anyway, what’s up?”

You and I both know “what’s up”! It’s been keeping me up at night, and I’m miserable! Or was it the sort of minor detail she could shrug off after three days? I hated feeling like the two of us were such vastly different people…but at the same time, it offered me a ray of hope.

Before I got started, I adjusted my sitting posture. The tightness in my chest eased slightly, granting me just enough room for my desires—and my voice—to thrive. Let’s make this happen!

“Shimamura?”

“Yeeees?”

Seriously, what the hell happened last time? Because I didn’t appreciate it and also I still have a lot of concerns and I need you to give me answers and I know you said I was annoying but sometimes this flippant attitude of yours can be really frustrating for me too so please don’t scare me like that! You don’t know how badly I want to scream and cry and cling to you because to be honest I feel like I might break down and start sobbing at any minute because I have the right to complain and also I think I have the right to know more about you so please just tell me, or to put it a different way, basically, long story short—

“I was thinking we should go hang out somewhere.”

As my thoughts swirled and frothed endlessly in my head, this was the end result. I didn’t have the life experience to know for sure, but if I had to wager a guess, it was probably somewhere in the same vein as my younger self begging my mom to take me on a trip. As I waited for her answer, I clutched my phone. The rest of my body was now every bit as sweaty as my palms.

“Sure, sounds good.”

By contrast, Shimamura’s voice was cool and composed, agreeing as swiftly and readily as the oscillation of an electric fan… Wait, what? This was proving to be so painless, it was actually starting to freak me out. It almost felt like the call we had the other day never even happened… My brain stalled.

“Are we going today, or…?”

“Huh? Yeah… Er, actually, let’s, uh, do it tomorrow!”

I wanted to see her as soon as possible, but if I met up with her in this state, I’d probably be a nervous wreck and end up humiliating myself. In the back of my mind, a voice asked “Haven’t you already done that a bunch of times?” but I ignored it.

“Ah, tomorrow. Have you already planned out what you want to do?”

“Sure have,” I replied, grabbing my summer to-do list. It’s finally your time to shine, little guy. “First, um, I wanna go shopping…”

“Uh huh?”

“Then go to the pool…”

“Uh huh…?”

“And then spend the night at your house…if that’s cool.”

And so I read the whole list, top to bottom. Ack! I was so excited, I forgot the part about holding hands! Well, it’ll probably happen at some point during the other stuff. I’ll just have to make sure of that.

“Sounds like a solid plan, but…it almost sounds like you’re reading from a script…”

An astute observation, for I was indeed reading aloud from my premeditated list. But rest assured, I still meant every word.

“I don’t mind going to the pool, but are you sure you wanna stay over? The upstairs room doesn’t have air conditioning, so it’s gonna be hot.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine! I like it hot, actually.”

My mouth was practically running on autopilot. “I like it hot”? You sure about that one, brain?

“Really? I seem to remember you complaining about it back in the gym loft…”

“Uhhhh…w-well, I’m more mature now than I used to be! Did a lot of growing over the past year. And soon you can see for yourself! Weh heh hoo hoo heh!” I finished with a forced laugh to cover my slip-up.

“Okay then… Well, to your credit, I did notice you’re always looking pink and flushed, so maybe you’re just naturally immune to the heat.”

What was that supposed to mean? She was right, though. I could blush at a moment’s notice, including right now.

And so she granted me permission to sleep over at her house. Looking down at my to-do list, I was relieved to know my dreams would soon come to fruition. But I couldn’t stumble right out of the gate or I’d never cross the finish line—then again, technically I already had. And yet somehow it was all working out in my favor.

After that, we agreed on a meetup time and location, and then I sensed Shimamura gravitating toward ending the call.

“Well, see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah… Hey, uh, Shimamura?” As her voice pulled away, I clung on for dear life.

“Hmmm?” Her voice drew close once more.

“I’m really glad I was able to hear your voice…and, um…talk and stuff.” I was terrified this would drive her away again, but I needed to say it.

“Glad to hear it,” she laughed. And with that, she hung up. Personally, I was awful at ending phone calls, so I appreciated it…but at the same time, the absence of her voice made me sad.

For a while I just sat there, my arm frozen in place. Does this mean the call went well, or what? The whole problem was resolved so easily, it struck me as anticlimactic. Despite all my agonizing, the fight had ended just as quickly as it began, and without me having to lift a finger.

Wasn’t there supposed to be at least one action taken to remedy the conflict? An apology or something? Evidently that scene had been deleted from the script. She changed the subject with the same frivolity as a discussion of the weather, and the resolution felt so flimsy, it was hard to put my trust in it. Did I really solve it with a single call? Impulsively, I gave my phone a little shake.

“Am I missing something…?”

I just wasn’t convinced. Something felt distinctly wrong—like I got full marks for turning in a blank paper at school. But no matter how hard I wracked my brain, I couldn’t put my finger on the problem.

“…Oh…”

I forgot to make plans with her to go to a festival. Looking at my to-do list, I could see it added in small print near the bottom. But the discomfort still lingered, so clearly this wasn’t the root of the problem, either.

Still, I didn’t have time to sit around and agonize endlessly. I needed to focus on the things I knew for sure…like the fact that I was going to the pool with Shimamura tomorrow. In which case, I would need to buy a swimsuit.

I leapt to action so fast, I nearly forgot my wallet. I could feel energy returning to every last molecule in my body. And at last, I finally realized: Shimamura gives me life.

***

Everybody likes gifts, right? Gifts are gestures intended to make people like you and make them feel good.

However…that didn’t necessarily mean this was the right choice. With the slightest shift of my shoulders, the piquant fragrance stung my nostrils.

It was the day after the phone call, and I was standing at our meetup spot—the entrance to the mall—holding a bouquet. After a lot of waffling back and forth, this was the gift I ultimately decided was best. The mere sight of it made a cold sweat trickle down my back.

Was it going overboard to bring a big colorful bouquet to an outing with a friend? The answer, without hesitation, was yes. At my calmest I had the good sense to realize this, but when panic came crashing down on me, I often went sprinting in wild directions even I couldn’t explain. For a moment I reasoned that maybe I couldn’t expect to make good choices in that kind of mental state, but this didn’t explain how I managed to screw things up every single time. Rational thought was not my strong suit, apparently.

Because it was summer break, the parking lot was packed full, and the bike rack was overflowing. I watched families and groups of teenagers walking in and out of the building while I stood there holding a bouquet. I must have looked like I was waiting for a celebrity. Close enough, I guess.

As the pressure of the bouquet steadily set in, other worries started to take root. Would Shimamura be in a bad mood when she arrived? She sounded pretty normal over the phone, but what if…? Uncertainty gnawed at my heart, chipping away at the surface. What if she was mean and snippy? The thought terrified me.

Of course, if I were truly to blame, then all I needed to do was give her a sincere apology…but this time around, it felt like there was more to it, like a critical difference in our values and viewpoints. Was there really any solution for that? As I gazed out at the parking lot and awaited her arrival, I could only pray that our fight was over.

Like radio towers, the scattered trees broadcasted the cicadas’ song. With no wind, only the bugs could cut through the unending heat wave. My lips were dry both inside and out. Meanwhile, Shimamura still wasn’t here…but of course, that was my fault for showing up early (again) as a direct result of anxiety (as usual).

Would I find happiness today?

Time passed, and I couldn’t even find it in me to enjoy the smell of the flowers. I checked the time on my phone; there was still half an hour before she was scheduled to arrive. But just then, I spotted someone waving in my direction. I looked up—and nearly recoiled.

It was Shimamura, carrying an extra bag in addition to her usual one. And she was early, too! What time is it again? Oh, right. Yeah, she’s thirty minutes early! Why did she always find new ways to fluster me?

She was still quite a distance away, but the moment our eyes met, my stomach tightened and my shoulders stiffened. I stood there and waited for her, too nervous to even blink.

“Hey!”

“…’Sup.” In direct contrast with her casual wave, I inclined my head stoically. My shoulders were already locked in place.

As she approached, she gestured her waving hand in the direction of the bouquet. “What’s that for?”

“Huh? Er…th-they’re for you.”

I offered her the bouquet. Eyes wide, she took the flowers into her arms. They flattered her a lot more than some clueless idiot like me. Yeah… She looks great, I thought to myself as I gazed at her.

“…But what’s it for?”

Don’t ask me. All I know is that I paid for it, and now it’s here.

“Did I do anything worth celebrating lately? Reach 2,000 hits in baseball? No… Escape from the SS Espoir? No… Hmmm…”

“I…I thought it could be like a…token of friendship restored?”

At last, I found a half-decent excuse. But on the other side of the flower garden, Shimamura cocked her head. “What do you mean, friendship restored?”

“What?”

This reaction was not the one I had hoped for, and I could feel myself fumbling. A cold sweat broke out all over my body. She isn’t still mad at me, is she?! I swallowed hard and waited.

“Oh!” After a moment, she seemed to remember. Then she looked at me and smiled awkwardly. “Yeahhhh…I guess we kinda did have a fight, huh?”

Apparently she didn’t put it together until just now. But before I could pause to analyze the pros and cons of this—

“Guess we’re all made up now,” she continued, holding up the bouquet.

“Uh…yup,” I nodded, unsure what else to say.

It was all over in a blink—like having salad for lunch. You’d think it would feel refreshing, but instead it was bland and insubstantial.

“I think this is the first time anybody’s ever given me flowers…”

“Wait, really?”

“Well, you never really have the opportunity to get any when you live an average life, right?”

Fair point. I was pretty sure I’d never gotten any flowers, either. But my eyes started to sparkle as the realization set in. This is her first time!

“When I retired from the basketball team in junior high, they only gave me, like, a can of soda at most.” As she spoke, she gave the bouquet’s wrapping paper a little pat.

“Oh, I see…”

“Wait, how come you’re so sweaty? You could have stayed cool if you just waited inside, silly.”

She pulled out a washcloth and silently offered it to me. I took it, and then…

“Shi…”

“…mamura? That’s me. What’s up?”

God, she can see right through me! She knows exactly what I’m going to say! “I just…wanted to see you as soon as possible.”

As I spoke, I felt my ears burn red-hot. Frankly, I was startled to learn my body still hadn’t reached its maximum temperature. I hung my head, glancing up at her to gauge her reaction.

“What do you mean, as soon as possible? The entrance is, like, right over—”

“That’s still too far!” I cut in, my shoulders nearly up to my ears. “I wanted to be…”

As close as possible. The words swirled around in my mind, but I couldn’t get them out. My lips quivered helplessly. But as I stood there utterly unable to make eye contact, Shimamura gently leaned in to peer at my face. Then, before I could react, she took the washcloth from my hand and wiped my forehead.

I was so stunned, I stared back like an idiot, my mouth agog. Meanwhile, she moved on to my neck. My gaze wavered to match my lips. Given the situation and my ghostly pale complexion, she was probably worried I might get heatstroke.

“So, uh…y-you sure showed up early today!” I stammered, conveniently ignoring the fact that I myself had arrived even earlier.

“Yeah, ’cause I figured you were gonna show up early,” she replied casually.

Once again, she had correctly predicted my behavior. But it didn’t feel like she truly understood me; she was just skimming the surface. Thus I wasn’t particularly overjoyed—just, you know, medium-joyed.

“Now you’re all toweled off.”

“Oh…uh…c-c-cool…”

I was so flustered, I sounded like a clucking chicken. Hastily, I lined up next to her; this was all she needed to intuit what I was after, and she held out her right hand. “Here.”

Man, I really haven’t made any progress, have I? As my brain boiled, I accepted her hand, and my emotions swirled in my chest as I thought to myself: this is the first physical contact I’ve had with her in days.

“If only my sister behaved as well as you.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

With my hand in hers, she faced forward and started to walk. And with the bouquet held tightly to her chest, she was the very picture of beauty. Strangely enough, I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

“…But really though, what’s this for?” she repeated after a moment as she gazed down at the flowers rustling loudly just under her chin. Then I saw her smile softly and felt a rush of relief.

My free hand balled into a fist, clutching the invisible to-do list in my heart.

***

Before we went shopping, we decided to make a brief return to Shimamura’s house. She said she wanted to get the flowers some water before they wilted.

“I mean, they’re so pretty… It’d be such a waste if they died. That, and it’s actually kinda hard to carry them around.”

“Oh…”

“Don’t worry. We have plenty of time.”

She smiled like she could read my mind, and my lips parted in surprise. She smiled at me! A warm feeling filled my chest, superseding the hot summer sun. Kinda weird how the human body can feel both “warm” and “hot” at the same time, but I guess that’s just one of the great mysteries of life.

Shimamura hopped onto the back of my bike, and we set off for her house. During the ride, my sweat transformed into something cool and refreshing.

“Oh, back already?”

Shimamura’s mother greeted us as she sat polishing shoes in the entryway. Déjà vu. I bowed to her politely, then followed Shimamura inside.

“Ah, hello there. Come on in!”

“We’re gonna be heading out again in a minute. I just came to drop off my flowers.”

“Flowers? From who?”

Shimamura jerked her chin in my direction. Then her mother looked at me, and I fought the urge to flee.

“It isn’t your birthday today, is it?”

“Actually, it is! Didn’t you get me something?”

Playfully, Shimamura held out her palm expectantly; Mrs. Shimamura leaned forward and bit her daughter’s fingers.

“Aaagh!” Shimamura hastily retracted her hand.

With a cackle, her mother crouched down and scurried away. She was so bizarrely agile, I had to assume she did this kind of thing all the time. I looked at Shimamura, who scratched her head awkwardly.

“Well, uh…you and your mom sure are close, huh?”

“What? You think so? Because I feel like it’s the opposite,” she protested in a pointed voice.

Then Mrs. Shimamura walked back into the room. No longer was she carrying a dust rag; now she was holding a blue, long-necked vase.

“Here’s a vase. Filled it with some water for you.”

“Yeah, I can see that… Thank you.” Shimamura took the vase and set it on the bookshelf near the front door. “Oh yeah, and Adachi’s spending the night tonight.”

“Are you now?” Mrs. Shimamura looked at me, lowered her head slightly, and smirked. “Gonna help Hougetsu with her homework or something?”

“Huh…?” Am I? Like a coward, I looked to Shimamura for help. I got the sense her mother had a deeply flawed understanding of our friendship.

“I’ve actually been a pretty decent student lately, FYI,” she pouted.

“Ha! What a baby!” her mother scoffed as she left the room.

Scowling, Shimamura untied the bouquet and lined all the flowers up next to the vase. Now that Mrs. Shimamura was gone, I was left feeling almost…impressed. Only a mother could provoke such an immature reaction from her daughter.

To her mother, she was a child; to her little sister, she was a big sister. So what was she to me?

“Whatever. This’ll only take me a sec.”

“Okay.”

I stood to the side and watched as she slid each flower into the vase. Then, finally, I caved in and glanced in the direction of the eyes I felt boring into me. It was Shimamura’s little sister, spying on us from the hall.

Her less-than-friendly gaze made me shrink into my shoulders. She reminded me of a small woodland creature peering out from the shadows. Haven’t I seen this somewhere before…? Oh, right. In the mirror.

Behind Little Shimamura, a head of bright blue hair appeared, glossy strands cascading down onto her.

“Stop it, Yachi! You’ll draw too much attention!”

Little Shimamura pushed the blue-haired girl away, but the other girl pushed back fiercely. They staggered backward and forward, each of them squishing the other’s cheeks… Some kind of game, I guess.

“My sister’s best friend is a total oddball,” Shimamura explained, watching the girls as she continued her work. Her gaze wandered until it fixed itself on me. She stared at me for a long moment, then continued matter-of-factly, “But I guess mine is, too.”

With that, she turned back to the flowers. A beat later, I realized what she meant. Excuse me?! My eyes flew open. To her, I was an oddball? Abnormal? Well, okay, I guess I can see it…but surely I can’t be as weird as the girl with BLUE HAIR!

Shocked, I looked over at the girl in question. She was nuzzling her cheek against Little Shimamura, and Little Shimamura seemed pretty happy about it, because she was smiling and blushing. At first I was impressed that they could stand to do it in this heat, but it occurred to me that if I was ever allowed to nuzzle Shimamura’s cheek, I would do it in a heartbeat, no matter the season… Wait, what? How’d my mind get on this topic? Where was I?

“There, all done. Thanks for the flowers, Adachi,” Shimamura told me as she neatly folded up the wrapping paper. Truth be told, I was on cloud nine, but I had to play it cool.

“Uh, sure, yeah, no problem. It’s cool. I’m just glad you like them.” This time I actually did a pretty good job holding myself together.

“So you said you want to go shopping first?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Or we could do it later and go to the pool first, if you want.” I lifted the bag containing my swimsuit to eye level. She peered around it to get a look at my face.

“Are you a big swimmer? You strike me as the type of person who’s pretty particular about your hobbies.”

“Huh? Well, I mean, it’s hot outside, and I like…staying cool…?” I waved a hand dismissively. No, I wasn’t especially particular about seeing her in a swimsuit. But miraculously, I somehow had the good sense not to say that part out loud.

“But you called out sick during all of our swimming classes at school…”

“…Well, school is different.” Because going to the pool with you actually means something to me.

As we talked, she opened the door and walked out into summer.

“All right then…” She squinted in the sunlight. “Let’s do the pool first.”

“Okay.” Mentally, I added a gold star to my invisible to-do list.

“Which pool are we going to?”

“Uhhh… Any preferences?” I had done my research in advance, but I wanted to take her opinion into consideration.

“I wouldn’t call it a preference, but I know of one that’s indoors… Oh, but…” For some reason, she looked at me and frowned. “Maybe we shouldn’t go there. Probably shouldn’t. Or should we?”

I had no clue what she was talking about, and I was mildly alarmed. “I’m okay with anywhere, as long as we’re together.”

“Yeah, I know, but…hmmm… Well, I guess it’s fine. It’s close and cheap,” she nodded to herself. “And you’re okay with anywhere, right?” she added, playfully parroting my word choice. I really wanted to know why she thought we shouldn’t go, but now her lips were sealed with a forced grin. Scary.

And so we decided to go with Shimamura’s suggestion. Once again, she ended up on the back of my bike. Thrilled by the feeling of her weight against my shoulders, I started to pedal.

We drifted along peacefully under the summer sun, just me and Shimamura. At a glance, it felt like everything was back to normal. But I still had so many questions on my mind. For example: Who was that other girl she was with?

…On second thought, in some form or another, all of my questions led back to that one. I wanted her to set the record straight. And I needed the truth, no matter what it turned out to be, in order to make an educated decision about what to do going forward.

But if I got too emotional and started pressing her, she might push me away again, and at that point I would probably never find out. A solid foundation had yet to be established between us. We were like…I don’t know…like two leaves floating in a river. We were still together for now, but only by chance, and the slightest gust of wind or change of current would pull us apart again. Our existing relationship was far from reassuring.

That was probably why I felt such strong affection for her hands on my shoulders while they lasted. It was that fleeting gravity that kept us connected.

***

Shimamura’s directions brought us to a sports gym, where a crisp blue-and-white sign greeted us out front. All the parking spots were full, including the ones across the street. The sunlight glinted off the hoods of the cars, blinding me from every angle.

“Mom has a membership here.”

“Oh, cool.”

As she pulled her bag from my bike basket, she froze for a second, then looked at me. “My mom, I mean.”

Why did she think I needed her to clarify that? My gaze wandered in confusion.

“Okay, let’s go!” she continued with a grin. The sight was enough to make my blood pulse with fear and excitement, and I was already sweating buckets.

According to Shimamura, her mother’s membership allowed her to purchase pool vouchers, which she had then passed on to her daughter. The system ensured the pool was never too crowded, and I could certainly appreciate why she would prefer that. At this time of year, in this heat, there were probably whole swarms of people interested in an indoor pool right about now. This gym pool was starting to feel like the right choice.

As we passed through the reception lobby, Shimamura led me around to the right, to the changing room. Beyond the glass windows, I could see the pool—no lights on, pleasantly dim, with a bunch of old people swimming around in it. There was a sizable number of people water walking by the far wall, all of them fifty or older. But now that I thought about it, it was a weekday during summer break, so the younger age groups were probably off working their nine-to-five jobs. Maybe they’d show up later tonight.

“There are saunas in the back, but I don’t think our pool vouchers normally let us use them.”

This didn’t especially excite me, so I just nodded. Trust me, it already feels like a sauna outside. Then Shimamura came to a stop by the vending machine, and I thought maybe she was going to buy something—

“There are saunas, but we can’t use them.”

Why did she keep repeating things today? She was acting a good 20 percent more strangely than usual.

Then we entered the changing room, and as I gazed around at the lockers, a certain immutable fact slowly descended upon me, reverberating louder and louder in my mind with every step I took:

Shimamura and I were going to take our clothes off in the same room.

There was nothing unusual about it, and yet the thought lingered on my mind. I mean, obviously I had no interest in her naked body—I wasn’t that kind of girl. But for some reason, there was a gaze-averting sort of shyness I couldn’t shake. What exactly was making me squirm?

Our keys were only one number apart, and our lockers were practically right next to each other. There would be no way to hide. Hide what? Hide from each other. Hide WHAT, though?! My hand shook as I struggled to turn the key in the lock.

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Shimamura set her bag down. What was wrong with me? If I followed this panic to its source, what would I find there? I attempted to reframe my malaise as a philosophical question, but it didn’t work, because my heart was still pounding.

Then Shimamura slid her clothes off…revealing her swimsuit underneath.

“……”

It was a school-issued swimsuit. Apparently she was wearing it under her clothes the entire time. As she pulled on her swim cap, she looked at me. “What’s up?”

I shook my head vigorously, all the while conveniently forgetting to clarify what exactly I was denying.

“Oh, I know. I bet you think my swimsuit makes me look like a little kid,” she smirked as she adjusted her shoulder straps.

“No, I… Okay, maybe. Just a little.” Sure, we’ll go with that.

“Well, you’re not wrong! Ha ha ha!” She averted her eyes in an uncharacteristic display of shyness. “It’s just easy to wear under my regular clothes, so now it’s a habit.”

“Ha ha ha…” Ha… ha…

Frankly, I hadn’t expected her to wear her school swimsuit. If I had, I would’ve worn mine.

She slid her goggles on over her swim cap and waited for me patiently, her arms folded. Wait… Is she going to stand there and watch me?! Now I was flustered in an entirely different way. Stripping…in front of…Shimamura… My mind stumbled over each word as a steamy haze engulfed my head.

I froze, pinching the hem of my clothes. What am I even worried about? It’s fine! Relax! I screamed at myself, using that momentum to strip down to my underwear. At that point, I could feel myself come to a screeching halt, sparks flying along the train tracks. My brain cells were firing on all cylinders.

“Hmm…”

Shimamura’s voice made me flinch. I didn’t know what exactly she was reacting to, but I ignored her and pulled off my underwear. Then I yanked my swimsuit out of my bag. I should have taken it out ahead of time! My own lack of forethought made me dizzy.

“Oh, ho…”

Seriously, what was she reacting to?! My mind went white as I stepped into my swimsuit and hiked it up.

“Ooh…”

Every nerve in my body was focused on my head, and it felt like I was going to pop. Unable to ignore her for a moment longer, I boldly turned in her direction.

Shimamura was murmuring over the electric fan. Every time it oscillated, she oscillated with it.

I buried my face in my hands. Sometimes I really don’t get you, Shimamura! In fact, she was starting to remind me of Nagafuji.

“Oh, are you done changing?”

“…Yeah…”

“Oh, hey, you’re not wearing your school swimsuit.”

“…Yeah…”

Given what I’d seen of the pool here, maybe it was weird that I had bothered going shopping for a brand-new suit. Fortunately for me, I had chosen a blue one-piece that ended up kinda matching Shimamura’s, so I probably wouldn’t stick out too badly.

She crouched down to peer at my frills. “Cute,” she announced in a cheerful voice.

Did she mean me or the swimsuit? As tempted as I was to ask, I had a feeling she’d say something mean like “No comment,” just to tease me. But either way, I figured it couldn’t hurt to accept the compliment.

Glance. Contrary to what I expected, the disinfectant mist that hit my feet was surprisingly lukewarm. I could see showerheads affixed to the ceiling, but no water flowed from them. Instead, a pungent order wafted from the exit, gouging my nostrils. It had been so long since I visited a public pool, it actually took me a minute to recognize the smell of chlorine. Glance.

Then we walked out to the poolside area. My nose quickly adapted to the smell, and before long, I stopped noticing it at all.

The entire pool was divided into six lanes, but we were only permitted to use Lane 6 right here by the door; the rest were populated with adults quietly swimming by themselves. Evidently this was no place to scream and goof off. Not that I could really picture me and Shimamura goofing off together. Glance.

The people doing water walking exercises along the far wall all turned to look at us. They probably weren’t expecting teenagers to come here. But the attention didn’t seem to bother Shimamura; maybe she was used to it. That said, I noticed her looking out at the other side of the room.

“Looking for someone?” The girl from the festival, maybe? My brain jumped to conclusions, and my stomach started to churn. Glance.

“Huh? Mmmm… Ha ha ha ha…” She scratched her cheek and laughed evasively. Glance.

“…Huh?”

Just then, I became conscious of my repeated eye movements and began to observe myself. She took a few steps—glance. I walked behind her at a reduced pace—glance.

The blood drained from my face. My hypothesis was right: my eyes were drawn to Shimamura’s butt.

Not that I was outright staring at it like a creep, but…for some reason, I kept looking at it every now and then. Instantly my cheeks burned like they were on fire. The color in my face switched on and off like a warning light, my blood ebbing and flowing more intensely than a stormy sea.

For some reason I was particularly focused on the borderline between the fabric and her skin. Why? One would think I’d understand my own behavior, and yet I still had so many unanswered questions. My entire face flushed like someone had dumped gasoline on the fire, and I could feel myself starting to sweat.

I need to cool off, ASAP. I looked at the pool next to us, then tilted over and dropped myself in, breaking through the malleable wall of water. When I reached the bottom, I looked back up. I wasn’t wearing goggles, so my vision was blurred by the chlorine, but I could see the water’s surface hanging above me like a second ceiling. I decided to stare up at the surface until I could compose myself.

Exhaling bubbles, I slowly sank. Just then, a pillar of water disrupted the surface. It was Shimamura, wearing her goggles and exhaling bubbles just like me. She stretched out her arms and legs and sank down next to me. As she bent forward, I could see the borderline between her swimsuit and her side boob. Just like that, I was transfixed.

Ugh, why am I like this?! Spluttering, I lost too much air and had to race back to the surface. As I coughed and choked, Shimamura came up after me.

“Wow, you seem like you’re having fun already!”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” I replied, forcing a laugh as water streamed from my nose. On second thought, maybe it wasn’t safe for me to go to the pool with Shimamura. Evidently I was quick to succumb to temptation.

Once I caught my breath, I wiped my face with my hands. At long last, I could feel the chill of the water. Now that I was standing with my shoulders submerged, my eyes made the first move, swimming around the room. So what next? I had no intention of quietly doing laps like the people in the other lanes.

“Feels nice, doesn’t it? I love it.”

Apparently all Shimamura cared about was beating the heat. She was submerged nearly to her chin, floating along like a crocodile, and it was kind of cute. Cuter than a real crocodile, at least.

“Oh, that reminds me.”

She swam over to me, her face and hands sliding over the surface of the water like a frog. As I waited, she reached out and put a hand on my head. Then she moved it back and forth like she was petting me.

“I was harsh to you the other day. Sorry about that.”

She apologized to me the way a grown-up would speak to a child, but I didn’t have time to unpack all of that. It was so sudden, I wasn’t sure how to respond to it.

“Oh, uh…no, it’s nothing you…need to apologize for.”

“Yeah, I don’t think either of us are to blame for what happened.”

It was a very Shimamura answer, to say the least. If the range of human emotion could be compared to the four seasons, then she was a tropical climate. Always reasonably warm, with a gentle breeze, and yet…

“But I didn’t say it to be mean. Those were my honest feelings.”

She didn’t try to hide behind excuses like “I lost my temper” or “it just slipped out,” and I could appreciate her frank honesty. I never wanted her to feel like she had to walk on eggshells around me. Meanwhile, she stroked my head like she had been promoted from my big sister to my mother. If only I weren’t wearing a swim cap… I could feel myself growing as calm as the waters.

“And on that note, Adachi…”

“Yeah?”

“I think you should try making friends with more people.”

“…What?” Reflexively, I whipped my head up.

“Obviously I’ll still be friends with you, too,” she clarified in a gently chiding tone. “But I think you should try to open your eyes to the people around you. I think it’ll help you feel more stable.”

At first, I refused to hear it. But after she finished speaking, she gazed at me quietly like she was waiting for me to come around. Eventually, my shoulders fell still, and a beat later, so did the water. At last, I could think straight.

This was a perfectly reasonable suggestion, brought on by my excessive attachment to her. If anything, I caused this to happen… No, she said neither of us is to blame. She just wants me to calm down a little, that’s all. But to me, this was rejection—a force field erected between herself and me. The hand on my head felt like it was keeping me at arm’s length.

“I’ll…think about it,” I nodded, purely to smooth things over. Right now, I didn’t have the capacity for anything else.

“Okay. I mean, I know you’re your own person, so I won’t force you more than absolutely necessary.”

I could hear the unspoken second half of her sentence: But I can’t guarantee I’ll tolerate much more of this.

Things had been going so well between us lately that I’d almost forgotten, but Shimamura wasn’t a warmhearted person—just very tolerant. She was generous, but she didn’t give out of her own volition.

Right. Of course.

It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of water over my head, and no, not because I was in a pool. I was chilled to my core, far colder than the carefully controlled temperature of the water. If you touched my skin, I’d probably feel like ice.

That was the moment I finally realized what it was I had been overlooking. The fact of the matter was that the underlying problem had yet to be solved. And not only that, but Shimamura didn’t even perceive it as a “problem” in the first place.

When we spoke on the phone yesterday, she wasn’t even aware that we’d had a fight, and she readily forgave me—proof that it had barely even registered as a blip on her radar. That was how we made it to today so easily. I thought we were making progress, but really the two of us were just going in circles.

Sometimes her treatment of me made my blood run cold.

“Shimamura…”

She was so close, and yet I sensed a gulf between us. Frightened, I called her name.

“Hmmm?” she answered slowly, to the point of slothfulness.

Just then, I caught sight of something moving in the water behind her. I could see bubbles rising, but what was it? Right as I leaned over to get a better look, however, Shimamura suddenly submerged. The underwater intruder had grabbed her by the shoulders and was pulling her under.

“Oh, god, Shimamura!”

As I panicked, the mystery assailant shot up out of the water. With an oddly familiar cackle, she fled the scene, kicking up sprays of water as she ran, even hopping over the dividers between lanes. Despite the resistance of the water, she was somehow eerily agile. If I ever saw a kappa monster in real life, it would probably move like that. When did she get here, anyway?

Meanwhile, Shimamura had returned to the surface. She wiped her face off, then shot a glare in the direction of the retreating offender. But from the side, I could see the corner of her mouth curling upward, and her eyes were twinkling. It looked an awful lot like she was smiling.

“Promise me you won’t be like her when you grow up, okay?”

“Okay,” I replied absently as I watched the water trickle down her face. She sounded upset, but I could see that she wasn’t. It seemed like she reserved all of her emotions exclusively for her family members, and I was deeply jealous.

If I was her mother, maybe I’d want her to look at me like that.

***

After we left the sports gym, Mrs. Shimamura met up with us like nothing had ever happened. “Go to the butcher’s shop and buy some croquettes.”

“Isn’t there something else you should say to me?”

“Look both ways before you cross the street!”

“Gee, thanks, Mom.”

Meanwhile, I watched their exchange and admired their mother-daughter bond. Even I could tell that they were close.

Then Shimamura got back on my bike, and we headed off to Nagafuji’s Meats. For some reason, there was a little blue-haired fairy mascot on display out front. Why did she look so familiar? No sign of Nagafuji, either.

“Feels like I rarely ever see your daughter out here,” Shimamura commented.

“Trust me, you don’t want that. The kid’s useless,” Mr. Nagafuji replied, waving a dismissive hand. In the back, I could see a door rattling, but I decided not to ask. After all, this was another important item on my to-do list: go shopping with Shimamura.

…It still counts, right?

After we bought our croquettes, we headed back to Shimamura’s house. This was only my second time spending the night here, but this time they had prepared a chair for me in advance. As a result, we were all packed in tightly around the table, and I felt bad for causing it.

Some people might liken the warmth of a fully occupied dinner table to happiness and love. Not to be rude to the people who had welcomed me into their home for the night, but to me, it was hell. Okay, maybe not quite. More like I wasn’t…inoculated to it, since I rarely ever experienced it for myself. Without that immunity, it was poison to my system.

“I’m sorry for intruding on your meal…”

“Oh, it’s fine,” said Mrs. Shimamura.

“Hardly any trouble,” said the girl with blue hair.

“That’s not for you to say, little twerp!”

“Hee hee hee hee!”

The girl (I forget her name) was sitting at the family dinner table like she lived there. She was even joking around with Mrs. Shimamura! Meanwhile, the rest of the family didn’t even bat an eye!

“Don’t worry about it,” Shimamura insisted as she calmly sipped her miso soup.

She was just so…tolerant. I lacked the words to truly describe it. If I’d grown up living with her parents, would I be this open-minded, too? Because this would never happen at my house. My mother would sooner call the cops.

“Mom’s always like that,” she continued.

Oh, that’s what you’re talking about. Once again, I was reminded that Shimamura lived in her own little world…but it was precisely that unique quality that drew me to her. Well, that and the luster of her still-damp hair. I kept glancing at it out of the corner of my eye, admiring it.

As I unenthusiastically chewed my allotted portion of food, I thought about our day at the pool. If only we could spend every day attached at the hip… If we were stones instead of leaves, then surely even the river of time couldn’t pull us apart. Wasn’t that exactly what I wanted?

The only reason I questioned it was…well, because I had no experience with it, probably. I had no experience with a lot of things. Clearly I needed to work on that; even Shimamura was indirectly suggesting as much, and at this point, I was reasonably willing to give it a shot. Even if I already knew I wasn’t cut out for social stuff, those skills would surely come in handy at times…and now was one of those times. This was the conclusion I reached as I sipped my post-dinner tea.

So who was my first target? I peeked at her shyly with downcast eyes. Oh, she’s already leaving the table! I hastily downed my drink, choked out a “Thanks for dinner,” and left the kitchen.

You see, I had set my sights on Shimamura’s little sister. Partly because she was Shimamura’s sister, but mostly because she reminded me so much of myself. As hard as it was to admit, she and I had the same type of personality. I figured maybe I would have a comparatively easier time understanding her motivations.

As she headed back to the girls’ bedroom, I followed her to the hallway. From there, my pace quickened. I still hadn’t fully decided on a plan of action, but now I had already caught up to her. As it turned out, my longer legs gave me a speed advantage.

I walked past her, then turned around to face her. Startled, she jumped, her hair accessories bouncing with the motion. Reflexively, I reached up and touched my hairpin.

“Listen, um…!” I’d started speaking before I was fully prepared, and now my voice was threatening to crack. “Uh, my name is Adachi Sakura, and…”

With a hand to my chest, I introduced myself. At first she stared back wide-eyed and slack-jawed, but over time she slowly composed herself. Engulfed in my shadow, the little girl scowled up at me, and I could feel myself losing my nerve.

“I’m Shimamura’s—er—I’m your…big sister’s…friend.” I stumbled over my words like I was trying to piece together a conversation with a foreign tourist. God, why am I acting like such a weirdo?

“Okay,” she replied in a hard voice.

The air between us was as arid as a desert; my throat felt too dry to continue. Instantly I felt like giving up and running away. But I couldn’t shake the compulsive feeling that something in my life needed to change, and it was this thought that kept me pinned in place. Forcing a smile, I commanded myself to hold my ground. Every muscle in my face protested, but nevertheless, I chose the exact moment she recoiled to take another step forward.

“And I’d like it”—would I?—“if you and I could be friends, too…um…sweetie. Uh, so I was wondering, um…would you want to hang out tonight?”

“With you?”

“Yeah.”

“Doing what?”

***

So there I was in the tub. It was so silent, I actually did hear a pin drop. But in reality, it was an auditory hallucination caused by an overly long, hot bath. Frankly, this tub wasn’t really big enough for two people, especially since we were facing each other.

To be clear, no, I did not drag Shimamura’s little sister into the bathroom and rip her clothes off. I merely made a suggestion, asked nicely, and now here we were. Therefore I think it’s safe to say she consented to this on some level. Sure, she hadn’t spoken a word the entire time, but kids her age loved to take group baths, right?

Come to think of it, taking a bath with Shimamura was on my to-do list…and since she was a “Shimamura,” technically, this counted. Hard to give myself a gold star on a mere technicality, though.

“So you’re friends with my sister?” Little Shimamura asked suddenly, her face half-submerged, blowing bubbles in the water as she spoke.

“Uh…y-yeah…?” I couldn’t gauge her tone, so I wasn’t sure what attitude to take. Instead I ended up sounding like I was afraid of a girl five or six years my junior.

“For how long?”

I didn’t know how I was supposed to answer that. If I knew for sure how long our friendship would last, I wouldn’t spend every day stressed and scared.

“Because I’ve been her sister for a lot longer,” she continued before I could respond.

Then I realized that I had misunderstood her question. She was asking how long it had been, not how long it would be. Now that I thought about it, “How long will you be friends?” was a mildly threatening question, especially coming from a grade-schooler.

“So yeah.” Her veneer of politeness popped like a soap bubble.

Apparently this girl saw me as her enemy. She was probably just as obsessed with her sister as I was, hence she was so opposed to my presence. But this thought delighted me. She saw me as a serious threat! Personally I was pretty jealous of her position as Shimamura’s sister. I had always wanted a special term for our relationship, too.

Silence descended between us as water dripped from the hair we’d wordlessly shampooed for each other. A voice in my head screamed at me: do something! Meanwhile, the heat intensified, crushing my skull.

Like at the pool, there was no point in just sitting here. No progress would ever be made that way. I needed to step out of the status quo, be it forward or backward, and that meant I had to take action. But what could I do? Splash water at her? She’d probably beat me up!

Still, my options were pretty limited here in the bathroom. The Shimamura family tub was a plain rectangle—decently long, but not very wide. I couldn’t even stretch my legs out. Even with my knees tucked up to my chin, our feet still touched. Why did I decide we should face each other? We both would have had more room if we’d sat side by side!

Subconsciously, my gaze met hers, and tiny sparks flew. Ha ha, looks like I’m in hot water, I joked to myself. The heat was melting my brain to the point that I was starting to make bad puns.

“Why a bath?” she demanded brusquely.

“Well, I wanted to…get to know you.”

I was supposed to be the mature one, yet I sounded so utterly pathetic. The corners of my mouth twitched in defeat. But maybe Little Shimamura mistook it for a smile. She pouted her lips.

“How come?”

This was her hardest question yet. I could feel the steam engulfing me before I could find my answer. “I…don’t know.”

Because Shimamura told me to make new friends? Because I wanted her approval, among other things? Yes to all of the above. But wasn’t there anything more to it? What happened to “love thy neighbor”?

The longer we stayed in the tub, the redder Little Shimamura’s cheeks grew. The sight reminded me of a fun question I could ask.

“So, um…do you love your big sister?”

“HUH?!”

She bolted upright, inadvertently splashing me in the face with water. Now the redness had spread to her ears—because of the rising steam? Or was it something else?

Slowly, she lowered herself back down into the tub. “Well, yeah, but…just a normal amount,” she muttered flatly, as if entirely disinterested.

I could sense her stubbornness beneath her flushed skin. To me it was so obvious how she really felt. Were my feelings this obvious to everyone else?

“Oh…I see. Well, sweetie…I’m sure Shimamura probably…loves you a whole bunch.” My throat felt tight, and there was a pressure on my chest. “And I care about everyone she cares about.”

Warmed by the steamy air, my tongue seemed more willing to cooperate, but…did I actually feel that way? Wasn’t it the exact opposite? To be totally honest, I was afraid that Shimamura would come to love someone who wasn’t me. I resented the other people in her life. So why was I lying? What was I trying to achieve? My mind was now fully muddled by vertigo.

“Why’s it matter to you?”

“It’s like the Golden Rule, you know?”

Where were these wise words coming from? Certainly not from the bottom of my heart. My head was throbbing so hard, I could practically feel steam gushing from my ears. Maybe I was just that ashamed of myself for being a bald-faced liar.

“You sound like a goody-two-shoes,” she remarked, aptly describing my polished outward persona. Then, after a pause… “Just like me.”

With that, she smiled ever so slightly—or more accurately, she smirked. The gesture was too sarcastic to be a genuine display of affection, but I still felt like we had established a tiny bond. And if we had connected in any small way, then to me, that was (hopefully) progress. I didn’t need anything to change overnight. We could take it one step at a time until eventually…

“Happily ever after?”

A head of blue hair sprouted up from the side of the tub, and I shrieked.

“Yachi! When did you get in here?”

“Heh heh heh! It appears you still have much to learn, Little.”

That didn’t answer the question at all. We never even heard the door open, so how did she get in? And she was still wearing her clothes, too. The lion hood was sinking its teeth into her face.

Then the girl turned to face me. The billowing steam had turned her aqua blue sparkles to a light teal color; if I breathed them in, would my lungs feel minty fresh? Then again, no amount of steam would ever feel crisp and refreshing.

“Did you reach your happy ending?” she asked, rephrasing her question. This time, it was clearly directed at me. But I was nowhere near an “ending” yet. Frankly, we hadn’t even gotten started.

In that moment, the innocence faded from her pure, clear gaze, revealing a tiny glimpse of their inner depths. Her eyes were so big and bright, it felt like they were endlessly vast…like they held not just stars, but an entire universe within. Face-to-face with those eyes, I lost my footing and slipped into the void of space.

“Uh…probably?” This is probably good enough…I think.

“Well, then, good for you.” She nodded, and her wise countenance melted away to reveal a youthful smile. “I shall be going now.”

“Oh! Yachi, wait! Now that you’re here, you might as well get in the tub!”

“I refuse!”

She started to run, her hands outstretched in front of her. How she got in here was still a mystery, but apparently she was going to exit through the door like a normal person.

“Hold it, missy!” Little Shimamura jumped out of the tub, abandoning her stiff hostility in favor of acting her age. “Gotcha!”

“Chrrrrp! What are you doing to me, Little?!”

As Little Shimamura clung to her, the girl let out a high-pitched squeal. It reminded me of Hino’s and Nagafuji’s friendship, and I realized: that was what a close relationship looked like.

Wait, so…have I just been wasting my time? For no reason?

I wanted to believe that wasn’t the case, but I was too dizzy to think straight. Leaning my head against the side of the tub, I gazed up at the ceiling and listened as the cheerful voices faded. Something fuzzy washed over my eyes and ears.

Too hot…

“Urggg…”

Ultimately I overheated like a computer processor.

***

Lying there with my eyes closed, the whirr of the fan enveloped me. I was resting on the floor upstairs, in the room I was allotted. The heat still had yet to recede, and my skin burned like it was swollen.

Was Little Shimamura okay? Last I saw, she was still playing in the bathroom with that blue-haired girl. Kids have so much energy, I thought to myself as I stared blankly into the distance. To a grown adult, I probably looked like a kid, too. But a lot of time had passed, and I had come a long way.

There came a knock at the door, and my sprawled legs stiffened in anticipation.

“I’m coming in!”

Sure enough, my prayers were answered, and Shimamura walked in. I opened my eyes and looked over at her. She was wearing her pajamas and carrying something wrapped in a hand towel.

“Brought you an ice pack.”

“Th-thanks…”

A mischievous smile crept up on her face. “Or would you rather rest your head in my lap?”

“Your lap!” I blurted without a moment’s hesitation. Hook, line, and sinker.

She looked at me, startled by my choice as well as my enthusiasm. “I think the ice pack will probably feel better…”

“No, uh…I don’t need it, honest!” I started waving my hands to emphasize my recovery, but then it occurred to me she might not think I “needed” her lap, either. “I mean, I’m not at 100 percent, but yeah! Your lap would be good.”

Did I sound like a creep for wanting it so badly? Too late to worry about that, I guess. After all, she already saw me as a weirdo on par with that blue-haired freak. Now that I was thinking clearly, that was actually kind of a big deal.

Giggling into her hand, Shimamura knelt down in front of the fan. Then she gently grabbed my head and set me onto her squishy, soft thighs. Slowly but surely, the heat took on a pulse of its own, making my head throb.

Truth be told, this was probably dangerous for my health. My sight was unusually sharp, as if my brain had opened every pore on my body simultaneously, and if Shimamura hadn’t thought to put the ice pack on the other side of my head, I might have had a nuclear meltdown. Sandwiched between two pillows, my field of vision narrowed.

This is more than I deserve, I thought to myself, my feet jiggling restlessly. If this was what I could expect after every long bath, I might never leave the tub.

“Feel better?”

“Mm-hmm.” My voice came out muffled. Not because I was burying my face into her thighs on purpose or anything—the ice pack was just that heavy.

“I thought you said you liked it hot,” Shimamura commented, teasing me by purposely echoing the last-minute excuse I’d told her over the phone yesterday. I decided to ignore it. But as I was busy pretending to be distracted, she followed up with something truly bizarre: “Guess you really are an ice sculpture.”

This was so baffling, I couldn’t possibly let it slide. “What?” Seriously, where did that come from?

“Don’t you remember? Actually now that I think about it, of course you wouldn’t. You didn’t exactly go around calling yourself that, after all.”

“Calling myself what?”

“Well, at some point near the start of the year, um…actually, I forget if it was Sancho or Panchos, but…one of the girls who went to junior high with you said that everyone compared you to an ice sculpture.”

“I…”

I had no idea about this. After all, I barely spoke to anyone during junior high… Well, that probably explains it. But ice? Really? Was I really that cold to people?

“But when I look at you now, I don’t see ice. More like…”

There was a pause, and I could sense her averting her gaze. “More like what?”

“…Oh, you know!”

She let out a dry laugh, and I found myself unsure whether I wanted to press any further. Should I be offended? Ice sculpture? Ugh, that’s so cringe! The thought that she might lord it over me for the rest of time threatened to melt my brain. I writhed in silence until at last she mercifully changed the subject.

“If you ask me, I enjoy your thighs more than I enjoy lending you mine.”

“Oh. Right…yeah.”

My response came out slightly delayed while I tried to decipher whether it was a compliment or a complaint. Ultimately, it was neither—just Shimamura being her usual slothful self. When was the last time her head was in my lap, anyway? Last winter? I could remember the strange thrill I felt, looking down at her face as she slept. What was the term for that? You’d think I would already know it, and yet I was still searching.

“So you wanted to take a bath with my sister?”

The sudden question made my eyes widen. If I said yes, chances were high it might create an unwelcome misunderstanding.

“No, uh, not so much the ‘bath’ part!” I explained hastily, waving my hands. “I just wanted to…get to know her…” If anything, I’d rather take a bath with you—I very nearly said this out loud.

“Well, did you?”

“…A little, I think…” Maybe like 0.000001 percent.

Weirdly enough, the weight and value of that first step seemed to fade with every step that followed. The more successful you were, the less likely you were to notice.

“Hmmm…”

Shimamura wobbled the ice pack, and my head wobbled right along with it. I could hear the hard clack of the ice just above…but how long would it last, exposed to my fever?

“Well, to be fair, you’re pretty loveable.”

My chest tightened along with my throat as I suppressed a shriek. I knew she was trying to say her sister loved me, but it sounded an awful lot like she was implying she did, too… No, don’t be ridiculous.

“I really don’t think she feels that way.”

“No, I’m serious… I forget if I told you, but my sister’s, like, super shy. I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t get in the tub with someone she didn’t like.”

“…Well…”

My response was so delayed, it probably made me sound sleepy. Honestly, her sister’s feelings for me were more complicated than pure affection. Maybe she only accepted my invitation in order to evaluate whether I was worthy of her big sister. Had I passed the test? Or was I merely a pest? If a little kid told me to shoo, fly, it would probably destroy any self-esteem I had.

“I think she’s more perceptive than you give her credit for.”

“Really?” At first she seemed to question it, but then her tone shifted. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe you see some things I don’t.”

Yeah, I do. Like Shimamura’s rare moments of kindness, and all the other great things about her. But if I had to guess, she probably had no idea about any of it.

Right now, most of my thoughts and feelings had no connection to hers. I could only hope that one day her vision would align with mine.

Through the narrow gap under the ice pack, I could see the fan oscillating.

“And despite how you always act, I’m sure you have a mature side, too.”

While her phrasing of the first half invited a lot of questions, I was more interested in the second half of her sentence. A “mature side”? You mean the part where I spend every day agonizing over you?

“Adachi, do you ever think about what you’re gonna do when you grow up?”

The word mature neatly segued into the phrase grow up. I figured she wasn’t expecting me to have some wise, worldly insight, so I didn’t bother thinking too hard. “Well, I’ll probably…get a job, I guess?”

It was a pretty dull answer, even for me. I was maybe a little distracted by the thighs.

“Yeah, I know that. I mean, like, what kind of job will you have? What life will you lead? There’s a lot of aspects, you know?”

Her questions flowed one after another, almost like she was asking herself more than she was asking me.

Truth be told, while I had a lot of worries about the rest of my life, I rarely ever stopped to think critically about what it was going to be like. I was already struggling with the life I had right now—especially the parts that involved Shimamura. Being sandwiched between an ice pack and her legs was all it took to decimate my brain cells.

If there was anything I wished of my adult self, it was to stay with Shimamura, childish though it may have been.

“Feeling any cooler now?”

“…A little,” I answered, only half telling the truth. The top half of my face was practically frozen solid, but the bottom half was still flushed. I didn’t want this moment to end, so I lied to buy some more time.

“Hmmm. Maybe the ice pack isn’t really helping.”

“Huh?”

She pulled the ice pack off my face, slipped out from under my head, and stood up. My skull hit the floor with a thud, and I cursed my folly. Graaah! As I wallowed in silent regret, she gazed out the window.

“Maybe outside…? Do you think it’d be cooler out there than it is in here?”

She looked at me for my opinion. Graaah… I raised my head. “Outside?”

“Yeah, like, the balcony where we hang our laundry?”

Slowly I rose to my feet and walked up next to her to peer outside. I hadn’t realized until that moment, but…what I thought was a window was actually a door to the balcony. It was a very small space, mind you—barely wide enough for two, by the looks of it.

We stepped out onto it and stood side by side. The air outside was…not dramatically different compared to inside. We waited, but no crisp breeze came to relieve us of the heavy heat.

“Not very refreshing, huh?”

“Nope…”

“Wanna go back in?”

I shook my head, then took her hand in mine—not in an aggressive snatching sort of way, but more calmly. We were finally alone; my heart thumped in my chest as I laced my fingers with hers. Then, after a pause, she squeezed back. Blood stitched its way through the frozen half of my face, heating it all over again.

We looked out at the scenery—a fragment of a sleepy residential neighborhood. As I trailed my gaze over the faint silhouettes of the houses and the conspicuous red lights on the cell towers, it felt like I was peering into space, or the depths of the ocean. Inky darkness filled every nook and cranny in this town.

But when I looked up at the clouds trailing leisurely over the starry sky, I found that the night had a sparkle of its own. The windows of the tall buildings, the flashing tower lights, the moon… Like a mirror, it absorbed our glimmer and reflected it faintly back at us. And I drank it all in without ever tiring of it.

High in the sky, I could see beauty in those puffy clouds…and for one brief, shining moment, Shimamura shared the same vision.

As we held hands, we pulled apart ever so slightly—just enough to stretch our wings. And as we stood there beneath the still of night, I wondered what words I could find to describe our connection.