Chapter 4: The Complications of Love
Chapter 4:
The Complications of Love
“YOU KNOW, I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but…if I’m catlike, then you’re definitely doglike.”
“…What?” I am?
No “hi,” no “how are you”—this was the first thing Shimamura said to me after I raced over to her house. Was it because I was sweating and panting? Pretty sure this wasn’t the first time she made this comment either.
“Hmmm…”
She folded her arms in contemplation and looked at me. I stood there in the entryway to her house, shoes still on, and blinked back at her.
I hadn’t seen her in two or three days, so looking at her was like looking at the moon—my only observation was Wow, pretty. She seemed so vibrant and full of life…or was it just because I hadn’t seen her in a while? Her weird taste in T-shirts, however, hadn’t changed a bit. Today, she was wearing one with a big cartoon sandwich on the front.
“On second thought, I’d better not.”
She closed her eyes in disappointment. I wasn’t sure what sort of internal argument she was having with herself, but I couldn’t just let it slide. “Wh-what is it?”
“I just don’t think it’s, you know, very nice,” she replied, nodding to herself. But this didn’t answer my question, and I was starting to think she was dodging it on purpose.
“Okay, well, now I really wanna know.”
“I don’t know… I probably shouldn’t do it…”
Was she serious or just trying to play coy? “It… It’s fine. Just do it,” I pressed. I wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with me, but I was curious either way. The more I learned about Shimamura, the happier I was overall.
“You sure?”
“Bring it…on…?”
I was trying to imitate the thing Shimamura said a while back, though I couldn’t possibly spread my arms out like she did. I could feel sweat dripping all over my body, and my shoulders were trembling.
“Okay, then. Here.”
She offered me her hand, palm side up. But she wasn’t holding anything. I thought maybe there was another step involved, so I waited anxiously…but she didn’t move. She just stared at me like she was waiting for me to do something.
Is this what I think it is…?
Timidly, I placed my hand on her palm. I was her dog, and she wanted me to shake… My face burned hotter and hotter as it all clicked.
“Perfect,” Shimamura nodded, satisfied. “Anyway, you must be even sweatier than I am. Come on in and let’s cool off.”
With this ritual (?) now complete, she pulled her hand away, then turned and led me into the house. Classic Shimamura. As usual, she had her own set of priorities. Frankly, I was almost impressed. Ugh, I’m such a terminal case.
As I pulled off my shoes with my now-empty hands, I called after her.
“Shimamura!” Her name left my lips, traveled to her ears, and made her turn back. Why did this invisible connection always make me smile? “Welcome home.”
I wanted to save it for when we were in person.
Her gaze wandered for a moment, and then a tiny smile crept up on her lips.
“I was gonna say you’re being dramatic, but then I remembered I’m the one who said ‘I’m home’ in the first place.” She spun on her heel, turning her whole body in my direction as gracefully as a dancer. “I came back for you, Adachi.”
Like a lump of burning charcoal, a piece of my hardened heart popped, and a sharp pain shot through me.
“Whoa!”
I could feel the blood frothing in my wrists. My eyes throbbed in time with my pulse, quavering.
Shimamura…had pulled me into a hug.
AFDSAKGSK;H!!! I had initiated hugs with her multiple times before, but now for the first time ever, she was hugging me, and I was FREAKING OUT!!! ASJDHGJLFK!!!
It felt like I was drowning. I was so limp, I wasn’t even sure I still had bones in my shoulders. Meanwhile, she rubbed my back and gently ran her fingers through my hair. If she was trying to disable me completely, it was working. I was scared my frothing blood might start leaking from my mouth if I wasn’t careful.
Then she clapped me on the back three times, and I started coughing.
“Just kidding,” she grinned as she casually stepped away.
“Wha…?” The disappointment was so immense, I couldn’t quite hold it in.
“Oh… Ha ha… Good one,” I choked out hastily as I fought to get my emotions under control—a daunting task since my vision was spinning. Clutching my frothing wrist, I found myself compelled to ask: “Shimamura, are you in a good mood today?”
“Hm? No, not at all,” she replied airily. “If anything, I faced reality and had my heart broken.” For a moment, her gaze lowered with her voice. “But…”
She seemed to swallow the rest of her sentence. And as the words slid back down her throat, the look on her face was sorrowful, yet beautiful. Suppressing the urge to wrap my arms around her, I followed her down the hallway to her room on the first floor.
When we arrived, her little sister took one look at me and her expression darkened. Then she swiftly slipped past me and out of the room. It was clear I wasn’t welcome here.
Frankly, I still wasn’t comfortable around Little Shimamura. We were too similar, which meant we were both probably thinking the same thing. And considering how I felt about her, it was no surprise she wasn’t excited to see me either. She probably wanted me gone.
“I don’t know what to do about her,” Shimamura murmured, smiling stiffly.
Part of me felt guilty, but at the same time, I refused to let anyone else hog her, not even her own family.
“Don’t mind the clutter, by the way. We only just got back, so we haven’t had time to put any stuff away.”
“It’s cool.”
Not like a single suitcase worth of clothes was much of a mess, anyway. She switched on the electric fan and turned it toward me; I inclined my head in gratitude.
“You know, when I called, I wasn’t expecting you to come over literally right this minute,” she laughed as she sat with her legs splayed out.
Admittedly, yes, I did rush over kind of fast, but that was hardly out of the ordinary for me. After all that time, I couldn’t possibly wait a single second longer. Like a paper football, her words gave me a hard flick and sent me flying.
“Hmmm…”
Stroking her chin, she shot me a sidelong glance, then held out her palm again. Slowly, timidly, I put my hand in hers.
“Good!” Again, she seemed satisfied. And for some reason, my heart fluttered.
This time, I curled my fingers and held tight. We were both a little sweaty in this heat, but that was proof that she was right there. Even I could see it, and I wasn’t looking directly at her. Likewise, she made no move to pull away—she just sat there at my side. Meanwhile, the fan was blowing over our shoulders.
“So, um, how’d it go?”
“How’d what go?”
I wasn’t sure what to say, since I didn’t really know what it was like. “How was, um, your grandpa’s house?”
“Oh, you know…” She averted her eyes. Apparently, she didn’t want to talk about it. “It was fine, I guess. So anyway, did you wear that swimsuit?”
I could tell she had purposely changed the subject, and it made me a tiny bit sad to know she wasn’t comfortable opening up to me. What more did I need to do to reach that stage with her? Furthermore, what did she mean by that question? Was she asking if I’d already worn it out somewhere?
Do I count the time I took photos in my room…? That probably counts, right? Thinking about it made my brain turn to mush, and I could barely get my tongue to cooperate.
“I’ve…only worn it twice.”
Once for the photo shoot, and…
“Well, that’s no good! You gotta wear it more than that!” she replied teasingly.
If you want me to wear it more, then give me more excuses to wear it. I grasped the hem of my shirt, then thought better of it. Too soon.
Just then, Shimamura’s phone rang. She started to reach for it, then felt resistance and looked back at me. Our joined hands formed a bridge between us. For a brief moment, she opened her mouth to speak, but ultimately, she chose to pull me with her to grab her phone. I waited silently, toppling over in an effort to keep hold of her.
The phone only jingled once, so it was probably just an email, but…from who? Was it…that girl from the festival? Who was she, and what sort of relationship did she have with Shimamura? She still hadn’t explained it to me, and every time I remembered this unsolved mystery, it made me want to play detective. But a white-knuckled interrogation would only end in an icy stare, and the thought made my blood run cold. I didn’t need to hold myself back when my own imagination crushed any lingering trace of courage I otherwise might have had.
She looked at her phone screen and chuckled. What’s so funny? I hated the thought that someone else was making her smile. My gut smoldered darkly, filling my chest with smoke. I could feel it polluting me.
As the smoke billowed inside me, Shimamura noticed my expression and showed me her phone. I wasn’t sure I should look, but I looked nonetheless. There on the screen was a photo of a dog and an old woman making a funny face.
“This is my grandma, and this is her pet dog,” she explained gently. It felt like she was introducing me to her family.
The dog looked really, really old, and its left eye was all milky—probably blind, if I had to guess. The old woman (Shimamura’s grandmother, apparently) was leaning close to the dog’s face, imitating its expression by pouting her lips. I…wasn’t really sure what to say, honestly. “She, uh, looks like a real goofball.”
“She’s my mom’s mom, so, yeah,” Shimamura sighed wryly.
At this, I thought back to what I knew of Mrs. Shimamura: a rather playful woman in her own right. In that case, was Shimamura secretly just as goofy as her mother and grandmother…? No, not exactly, I thought to myself as I gazed at her warm expression from the side. I could feel my tongue quivering in the back of my mouth.
She’s so cute!
Was it because I’d yearned for her so desperately over the past three days, or had something about her changed? I wasn’t sure. But now all the little things I used to take for granted were affecting me especially hard. There was a warm, peaceful ocean in my chest, and my whole body felt like it was floating—a little scary, yes, but I wanted to relish the moment as long as I could. This warmth was far more gentle than any summer sun.
“So, what now? Feels like I have to ask this question every time you come over.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Well, what do you want to do together?” she asked, looking around the room. Her gaze drifted from the TV to the bookshelf to the video games. “Aren’t you bored?”
“No,” I replied, leaning against her shoulder. When our bodies were this close, frankly, I didn’t have the mental capacity to feel bored. Our faces were only inches apart, and her eyes looked so big and round… They seemed to pierce straight through me.
“Well, okay, then.”
She relaxed her shoulders, and my head settled on top. A strand of her hair was tickling my face, driving home just how close she was. And as I grew more flustered, our arms brushed together, rustling my clothes…
Then I remembered: Oh, that’s right.
“Nnnn…”
Now I had a choice to make: stay comfy, or venture outside that comfort zone? Sure, I could happily remain right where I was, but maybe Shimamura was already bored. I didn’t want to selfishly focus on my own happiness—I wanted to be considerate of hers too. That was an important part of opening my eyes to the people around me, which was what Shimamura said she wanted me to do. But no matter how “open” my eyes were, I was pretty sure I would only ever use them to find her.
Truth be told, it was a dangerous move. If I messed up, it could make things weird. But even the most risky of gambles could, in theory, pay off. That was simply how the game was meant to be played.
With this subconscious encouragement, I rose to my feet and grabbed the hem of my shirt. As a scarlet spiral swirled around in my skull, I pulled my shirt off. Then I saw Shimamura’s wide-eyed stare fixed on me, and my panic began to spin like a wheel. The resulting steam empowered me to whip the rest of my clothes off all at once. No time to fiddle with zippers.
I let my outerwear fall to the floor, then nervously stumbled over and stood in front of her. I could hear my blood pumping in my ears as the temperature in my body skyrocketed.
I was standing there in nothing but the swimsuit I’d worn under my clothes.
“Wh-what do you think…?”
To the surprise of no one, I wasn’t bold enough to strike a pose. Rubbing my feet together, I tried to gauge her reaction, but couldn’t bear to look up. Then, as I stared at the floor, I heard her ask: “You were wearing your swimsuit the whole time?”
I nodded.
“Specifically so you could show it off?”
I nodded, more faintly this time, but that wasn’t entirely why. I didn’t want to show it off, per se—I just wanted her to see it. “So, um… Thoughts…?”
At last, I managed to look up a little…and found Shimamura staring at my chest. “Interesting.”
Interesting?! What kind of interesting, exactly?!
“The colors are a lot brighter in person, huh?”
She leaned in close and scrutinized my bikini bottom. AKDGHLDSHLHDG!!! My vision was swaying so hard, I could only assume my eyeballs were literally spinning in their sockets.
“Uhh, uhhhh, y-yeah, uhh… Blue and white, ha ha…”
“And your skin is super pale too.”
She patted my thigh and my leg nearly flinched. The blood was rising to my head, making me dizzy. I staggered backward.
“Oh, gosh, are you okay?”
“Aaauuhhhaauhhh…”
“I take it that’s a no, huh?” She nodded pensively.
Wh-whose fault do you think that is, missy?! “Th-that was… That was sexual harassment…wasn’t it?”
I meant it like a joke, but it came out sounding like a serious question.
“What?” She laughed. “No it wasn’t! I just touched your thigh!”
“Yeah, and that’s…s-sexual harassment…”
Slowly, I sank to my knees and put my hands in my lap like I was attending a formal tea ceremony. I could feel my stiff shoulders and back twitching aggressively. The skin around my collarbone was so tight, it felt like my skeleton was trying to make a run for it.
“Ha ha ha ha!” Just then, Shimamura burst out laughing. Startled, I looked up at her, and she smiled. “You’re so funny.”
“Oh…yeah…ha ha…”
Well, at least she’s not bored, I…guess…?
“Anyway, um…that reminds me…” Agh, what am I saying?! “Wanna take a bath?”
“A bath?”
“Yeah.”
“At my house?”
“Yeah. Both of us.”
“What?”
“Like, at the same time…”
It felt like my eyes were on fire. Light popped in my vision—twice.
“So…you wanna take a bath together?” she asked, mulling it over. Her hesitation didn’t surprise me, but this time I wasn’t going to back down.
“Well, I mean…I’m already wearing it…”
“Wearing what?”
“My swimsuit…”
It made sense, right? Bath, water, swimsuit. Okay, maybe it was a major stretch, but I didn’t have anything else to work with. My only option was to act casual and pray that Shimamura would come around with her usual “Eh, okay.”
After a few moments…she burst out laughing. Again. Clutching her stomach.
“What are you talking about? You’re such a weirdo!”
“I…I am?” My voice cracked like it was trying to make me sound stupid on purpose.
“You are! The way you think, the way you act—it’s totally weird. Like, how the heck do you come up with this stuff? Because it’s just so uniquely you.”
As far as she was concerned, I was weird inside and out. I would have liked to at least be normal on the outside, but this was perhaps asking too much, considering I was currently wearing a swimsuit in someone else’s bedroom. And since I was kneeling, I could feel the bottoms of my feet pressed up against my butt.
God, I’m so uncomfortable. Should I put my shirt back on? For some reason, the thought of redressing myself in front of Shimamura made me want to die. Why was this somehow different from when I was stripping? I clutched my bare biceps and writhed.
“Okay, then,” she said in a cheerful tone. “Seeing as you came prepared, let’s go take ourselves a bath!”
“Wha?!”
That wasn’t the “Eh, okay” I’d hoped for. No, it was even better. Part of me was overjoyed that she appreciated my careful planning, but another part of me was alarmed that she would notice it at all. Clearly, she was plenty weird herself… Then my outlook swung back to positive: That’s just Shimamura for you.
“I’m not sure I see the point of it, but…oh, well.”
As she spoke, she rose to her feet. Likewise, I shot up like a bullet. She smirked at me, then turned and led me out of the room.
Partway there, the nerves made my stomach cramp, and my ears started to ring so loud, it actually drowned out the wail of the cicadas. I was so stiff, I was barely breathing; if I were to fall into the deep end of a swimming pool, I’d hit the bottom and probably never rise again. This was an emotion I’d felt a lot in the time since I first met Shimamura… Honestly, it was a miracle I’d survived this long.
As we passed by the living room, I caught a glimpse of Shimamura’s mother unpacking her luggage. Then Shimamura called out to her: “I’m gonna go take a bath.”
“A bath? In the middle of the day? Don’t you have anything better to do?” Mrs. Shimamura scoffed over her shoulder. Then she saw me standing next to her daughter. “Oh, Adachi-chan, I didn’t know you were here.”
“Sorry to intrude,” I replied, bowing my head.
“You’re so polite! I wish my daughter would…learn from…your…” Her words petered out. “Whyza swimsuit?”
It was, of course, a perfectly reasonable question to pose to a teenage girl standing in your hallway in a bikini. “Whyza swimsuit,” indeed. Ugh, I totally should’ve put my clothes back on.
“She came over to take a bath with me,” Shimamura answered in my place.
“For the record, I just thought it would be fun… Mostly I wanted to show off my new bikini…” I mumbled in my own defense.
But Mrs. Shimamura didn’t seem to hear either of us. “Hmmm,” she murmured. Her reaction seemed unfavorable…or perhaps just confused. No surprise there. “Looks like my daughter’s oddball personality is contagious. Dear me, what’s a mother to do?” she lamented dramatically, as she was often wont to do.
I looked over at Shimamura to find her staring at her mother with a sneer that said “Hypocrite much?” But this gave me pause. Never before had I seen Shimamura give someone such a dirty look. Was she always this emotional? Wait, that’s not how I should put it. Was she always so…open with her emotions?
Perhaps something meaningful had happened while she was at her grandparents’ house. If so, then judging from her behavior earlier, she most likely wasn’t going to talk to me about it. If only I could have been there in person to see it for myself… Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so left out.
I never should have let her leave me for so long.
***
Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Adachi slowly transform into a crab. She sat cross-legged, her mouth submerged under the water, bubbles periodically rising to the surface. Her gaze darted restlessly between me and her knees, and her face was already flushed red. So, yeah, I was mildly concerned that she might not be doing okay.
“Can’t remember the last time I took a bath during the daytime,” I mused to myself.
She nodded quietly, making small ripples in the water’s surface.
“And I’ve certainly never taken one with a friend from school before.” That is, unless you counted that time Tarumi and I took a bath together when we were really little.
Adachi nodded again, but I could tell she was happier this time—proof that I had gained a deeper understanding of her.
And so there we were, in the bathtub at my house. At least it was bigger than the one at Grandpa’s.
Naturally, it would be…unfair?…if I was the only one naked, so I went and put on my school swimsuit. Truth be told, it felt extremely strange to wear this at my own house. And this tub really wasn’t big enough for both of us to sit side by side. Maybe if I was with my sister, but two teenagers? It was a tight fit, to put it mildly. We both kept bumping our elbows and knees, especially Adachi.
“You sure don’t look comfortable,” I commented. Sorta defeats the purpose of a nice relaxing bath, doesn’t it? At my comment, she shamefully buried her face even lower. More bubbles rose to the surface. Still in crab mode, I see.
“You know, I kinda miss the days when you used to be chill.”
What happened to the girl I first met in the gym loft? It felt like I’d barely gotten a glimpse of her before she turned all antsy. It made me wonder if she had some kind of cursed armor equipped, like in an RPG.
From what I’d heard from other people, Adachi used to be really aloof back in junior high. Then, after she met me, she… Wait, what? That would mean it was my fault that she went psy—er, stopped being grumpy. Hmmm.
“So, belated question: What made you want to take a bath, anyways?” The thought had only just occurred to me. Maybe the steam was melting my brain.
Water dripped from the ends of her hair as she modestly concealed her new bikini behind her knees. “I thought a bath would…bring us closer together,” she answered, a few words at a time, like a slow stream of bubbles.
“Whyzat?” I asked, imitating my mother.
She blew bubbles in the water like she didn’t have an answer. To be fair, I sure wouldn’t take a bath with someone I wasn’t close to, but…to me, the order felt a little bit backward. That said, friendships founded on strict rules were pretty much guaranteed to fall apart sooner or later, so…
“Well…”
“Yes?”
She faltered, blushing. Then she sank into the water, blowing bubbles furiously, her eyes darting every which way. I shot her an inquiring look; she held my gaze for a long moment, then finally conceded and lifted her head above the water.
“Being naked makes you…vulnerable…and it’s important to be vulnerable with your friends,” she mumbled as her hair slapped at the water’s surface.
“Riiiight! I get it now. Wait, but we’re not naked!” I laughed. Then she sank below the water again. “Uh oh.”
This time she lowered herself all the way to her forehead. Then came the bubbles—a lot of bubbles. If she sank a tiny bit lower, her hair would float on the surface like a jellyfish… Why did the thought excite me? This was no time to fantasize about a human-sized jellyfish! If I left Adachi to her own devices, she’d probably drown!
Instead, I decided to haul her up like a salvage ship. Problem being, I didn’t know what part of her I should grab onto. Her hips? She’d probably accuse me of “sexual harassment” again. Her armpits? No, that’d be even worse! What about her neck? …Now it was starting to feel less like a rescue maneuver and more like a pro wrestling technique.
“Hmmmm…mmm…mmm…”
My gaze trailed over her bare back. Her skin was so pale and untanned… Just then, I thought of something I’d always wanted to try. I reached out, grabbed the strings of her bikini top, and tugged.
This got an immediate response. Adachi shot up out of the water, splashing waves in every direction as she stared at me, wide-eyed. The attack was super-effective! If only it was this easy to get the fish to bite.
“Wha…buh…buh…?!” She spluttered at me, her back against the edge of the tub, one hand pressed to the wall. Plus, she flailed her legs so much, you’d think she was drowning. She was getting water all over the walls.
Uh oh. Did I go too far? “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” I apologized, just in case.
At this, she relaxed slightly and sat back down. “It’s fine,” she mumbled, staring down solemnly at the water.
Silence fell as the two of us sat there, submerged up to our shoulders in hot water. To be perfectly honest, I was ready to get out. Why were we acting like a couple of children in here? At our age, I’d expected we’d behave a bit more…ladylike, I guess. But my friendship with Adachi was an eternal roller coaster.
The sound of dripping water seemed so distant, almost like it was raining outside. When I looked up, I realized the ceiling was hazy with steam. It almost felt like we were at a hot spring somewhere; I could practically hear the clonk of the traditional wooden buckets. Water dripped from my hair and streaked sideways down my forehead and nose.
“…Adachi, are you trying to be kind to me?”
I decided to ask on a whim since we were in private. Normally, I’d be way too ashamed to ask this directly, so I probably would have couched it in softer words. But I wanted to know what it was that made people choose kindness. Where did it come from? Certainly not from obligation, I knew that much. But if I could trace it to its source, then maybe I could learn how to do it myself…or so I hoped, anyway.
At this—“Bffgghh!”—Adachi splashed me with water. “What, you don’t think I’m nice?”
She gazed at me sadly, like an egg on the verge of cracking. Her eyes were so puffy, she looked like she was about to cry; naturally, this was all the answer I needed. Still, there was something truly refreshing about the way Adachi wore her heart on her sleeve.
“I don’t knoooow,” I replied in a singsong voice, teasing her. With a smirk, I turned my back to her.
I could feel her panicking just behind me. I didn’t want to stress her out too much, so I turned back to let her know that she was, in fact, a nice girl. But just then, my forehead collided with something—with her forehead, apparently? I had no time to feel the pain, however, because she wrapped her arms around me. And because we were both in our swimsuits, this resulted in a very tight hug.
I could feel her perfect skin directly against mine. As the hot water splashed and danced and shifted all around us, the only constant was Adachi. Then the water fell still…and the heat began to build.
Admittedly, I had to wonder: Why is this always your default reaction? But to her credit, maybe this was the only way she knew how to express herself. Maybe she was trying to be as nice as she possibly could… If so, then it wasn’t much different from usual. Did that mean she was just really nice all the time? Dang, that’s impressive.
Unfortunately, this hug was starting to hurt.
“Uh, Adachi?” Your chin’s really digging into my shoulder, and I’m scared it’s gonna bury itself there. “Helloooo? Adachiiii?”
I patted her lightly on the shoulder, willing her to ease up a little, but she didn’t respond. She was frozen like a statue. So I had no choice but to push her shoulders and peel her off of me. I was worried maybe she passed out or something, but thankfully, I could see her eyes moving. She was still breathing too…but she was trembling. Her eyes and lips twitched, and then…
“Gaaagh!”
“Aaaaah!”
She began to babble incoherently as she reaffixed herself to me—more tightly this time, as if to prevent my escape. She even wrapped her legs around me. Meanwhile, her head lolled from side to side.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”
She had seemingly turned into a zombie, and as I held her, I began to panic. Was she going to bite my jugular? Would I become one of the infected? I didn’t want that. If I turned into another Adachi, who would help us calm down in a crisis? Still, even if she did sometimes create problems, at least she knew how to take action at all. Clearly, our friendship needed at least one Adachi.
As I ruminated on this, I sensed her lips moving near my ear. Curious, I listened carefully. And then, in a tiny voice, she whispered…
“I wuv you…”
Punctuated by the plip, plip of water dripping into the tub.
“I…love you…love…love you…so much…”
“…Huh?” Water trickled down between our bodies as my arms went limp and sank beneath the surface. My head was spinning. I couldn’t process the words.
“Nnngh…ggmmh…mmgghh…”
“……Wait, what?”
She was groaning an awful lot, so I pushed her off me again. But this time, the problem was plain to see.
“Oh, god, she passed out!”
This was exactly the scenario I was afraid of. I could practically see the steam rising from her head… Hastily, I pulled her out of the tub and dragged her out of the bathroom to the hallway, where I laid her down. Then, without pausing to towel myself off, I dashed straight to the kitchen, to my mother.
“Mom! Help! Adachi passed out in the bathtub!”
“Oh, for crying out loud, you dumb kids!”
Despite her insults, she swiftly grabbed a washcloth and soaked it in cold water. Then she grabbed a sports drink from the fridge and ran back with me to the hallway, which was now slick with my own watery footprints. Working quickly, my mother wiped down Adachi’s body with the cold washcloth, paying special attention to her neck and feet. Only then did Adachi regain consciousness.
“Shimamura,” she murmured, looking at me. That’s my Adachi, all right.
Once she confirmed Adachi had recovered, my mother rounded on me. “Hey birdbrain, try not to kill her, would you?” And with that, she walked off.
Excuse me? I didn’t force her to stay in the tub that long! Annoyed, I kept a close eye on Adachi. And as I watched her, I could feel a question rising with the steam:
What did she say to me just now?
Only Adachi knew the answer, and right now, she was in no condition to tell me.
***
“You sure you don’t want to stay and cool off a little longer?” Shimamura asked kindly as she walked me outside.
“Nah, I’m all good now,” I replied, shaking my head. I decided it was smarter for me to leave early rather than run the risk of embarrassing myself even more.
To tell the truth, I didn’t realize “passing out” was something that actually happened in real life. I didn’t remember much of what happened after my mind went fuzzy… She told me she nursed me back to health, but…god, I didn’t completely humiliate myself or something, did I?! I was too terrified to ask. Maybe I just wasn’t ready for non-solo bathing activities.
My head still felt heavy, and my fingertips were numb. My mind was sluggish, still smothered in a thick layer of steam. In this condition, there was no telling what sorts of things I might have said to Shimamura… But since I was capable of recognizing that much, it was probably safe for me to go home.
I set my hands on the handlebars of my bike and looked over my shoulder. With wet hair and a towel around her neck, Shimamura looked strikingly different from usual, and I was too shy to look at her. No makeup, no hair products, and a shirt that clung tightly to her curves… Flustered, I stared at the ground. There were stars in my eyes, and not just because I hit my head. I shook them away, then hopped onto my bike. Yes, I was going home for the day, but…
“Can I…call you tonight?” I asked, a tiny bit more confident than usual.
“Of course,” Shimamura replied, with a toothy grin that caught me off guard.
Instantly, I was captivated. It was an innocent, pure smile—one that came naturally rather than consciously, one that revealed her true nature, and one that set my heart alight.
“Bye-bye,” she said, like a much younger version of herself, as she waved at me.
“Bye.”
“And remember, you have to keep your eyes on the road when you’re riding your bike. So this is where we part ways, okay?”
Somehow she was one step ahead of me. Fireworks lit up in my already flushed cheeks, popping and crackling. Meanwhile, I started pedaling my bike. As requested, I wasn’t going to look back this time. Nope, not this time.
But I really, really, really wanted to.
Suppressing the impulse, I thought instead of—you guessed it—Shimamura. I reflected on all of the day’s moments, pedaling mindlessly as I sank deeper and deeper into the memories.
As it turned out, I was still a distracted driver, even when I was facing forward.
***
I stood alone in the dry summer breeze. The wind seemed to clear the steam from my mind. Then, suddenly, I realized:
Oh, I get it now. Adachi loves me.
Assuming she wasn’t just joking around back there, of course. But considering the state she was in at the time, she probably didn’t have the mental capacity to tell any jokes.
“Hmm…”
Maybe that was the reason she treated me so kindly. As the realization set in, it sent a shudder across my skin. Before I knew it, I was clutching my elbow, cradling myself. My vision seemed to zoom out, spreading to every corner of town.
“Now I get it…”
It was the simplest answer and the most logical motivation. Looking back, she was so obvious about it too. Why else would she be so obsessed with me? Why else would she have a breakdown when she found out I spent time with someone else? Yes, it all made perfect sense…and yet…
“Hmmmm.”
Strands of wet hair slapped against my cheek, tickling me, making me shiver.
Supposing she did love me—what kind of love was it? I contemplated all the different shapes I could possibly imagine, but…eh, they all seemed pretty cool in their own unique ways. Really, they were all just variations of caring about someone and being kind to them, which was really admirable and stuff…
I just couldn’t relate to it, that’s all. I only knew how to be kind out of obligation.
“What am I gonna doooo…?” I sang as I went back inside my house. My flushed skin craved the caress of the electric fan.
***
After that, we talked on the phone all night long, and then I spent the entire next day thinking about the bath and the swimsuits and writhing in my room. Whenever I wore myself out, I’d sit and recharge for a while.
As I was watching TV and zoning out, a news program came on with a disturbing story about a student who snapped and killed someone after a heated argument. For a moment, I reflected on the fragility of human lives. Under a little pressure, just about anyone could commit murder. Not that I was planning to do anything like that, of course. But perhaps I was capable of more than I gave myself credit for. If I used that power to be a force for good, I could probably accomplish some pretty amazing things…
This filled me with a strange sense of courage, and I grabbed my phone. It’s basically nighttime now, right? My gaze flickered up at the clock on the wall.
Truth be told, I wanted to talk for longer. I never wanted us to be apart. But social norms like “time” and “family” and “common sense” pulled her away from me, and my insecurities made me scared.
I still didn’t know the truth about that other girl, and I still wanted answers. But I didn’t want to keep obsessing over that mystery, nor did I want to exhaust all my energy on other people. Yes, I was afraid of Shimamura making other friends, and yes, I was afraid she liked them more than me. But those fears were an obstacle between me and her, and I wanted to come to terms with it. That way I could overcome it.
As I waited for her to answer my call, I amended my statement a tiny bit:
I want to spend so much time with her that the little changes don’t even register on my radar.
***
Adachi was calling again. But we had already talked for hours last night—what more could she possibly have to say? Nevertheless, I picked up the phone.
“Th-there’s something I forgot to say last night,” she blurted out. No perfunctory greeting, just cutting to the chase at the speed of light and stumbling over herself the whole way there. This was the Adachi I knew.
“Go for it,” I replied, prompting her to continue. She’s not going to profess her love for me like she did in the bathtub, is she? Probably not, right? And yet I still braced myself just in case. I could hear her gripping the phone tightly on her end and pictured her leaning forward.
“Would you wanna…hang out…at the festival this weekend?”
“Oh, is that what this is about?” Well, that was anticlimactic.
“Wha? Huh?” she spluttered. “Wh-what else would there be?”
“Don’t worry about it. Just talking to myself.” More like talking about myself, I thought with a grin. “Anyway, sure, I don’t mind.”
“…You don’t?” she asked timidly, like a scolded child.
“Well, I don’t have plans with anyone else this time around.” Thus, I had no reason to decline.
“What a relief…!”
She let out a heavy sigh that expressed precisely how worried she had been. Was it really that stressful of a question? From her perspective, probably. I didn’t know for sure, but if I had to guess, she was most likely still hung up on the Tarumi incident. When I thought back to that super-emotional phone call, near the start when Adachi was still coherent, she was asking an awful lot about Tarumi.
Should I just explain it to her and get it over with? But how? Tell her Tarumi’s an old friend with whom I recently…er…reconciled? Is that even the right word? It was all so complicated. This was probably why I kept putting it off in the first place.
“I was gonna ask you in person when I was at your house yesterday, but I kinda forgot…”
“Oh, right. Because you passed out.”
At this, she faltered. If we were in the water, this little crab would probably be blowing bubbles all over again.
“You know, Adachi—” I began without thinking, then hastily stopped myself and averted my eyes. “On second thought, never mind.”
“What is it?”
“Nothing.” For once, I was struggling to continue the conversation.
“But I wanna know…”
“I’ll tell you later, I promise. Now then, where should we meet up on the night of the festival?”
At the very least, I was more adept than Adachi at changing the subject. Not that it was anything to be proud of—I had spent more time dealing with people, so I had mastered all the most efficient techniques. But “efficient” was not the same as “good.”
After we settled on a meetup spot and time, she hastily ended the call. Maybe she felt like she needed to start getting ready, even though the festival was still days away… Nah, that can’t be it, I laughed to myself. But of course, when it came to Adachi, the possibility of her overthinking things was a permanent fixture.
So why on earth did I nearly ask her to describe the way in which she loved me?
I could already envision the sheer panic that would erupt in response to that kind of question. In fact, part of me wanted to see it unfold in person, which is why I decided not to ask over the phone… Did that make me an evil person?
There was just something exhilarating about the way she fought through her fears to take action. Watching her was like watching fireworks—she exploded in ways I’d otherwise never have the chance to see.
And when it came to Adachi Sakura, those sparks were always cherry-blossom pink.
I called Shimamura and told her I wanted to see her.
Adachi called and told me she wanted to see me, so I left the house.
I hunched my shoulders and tried to hold back my feelings as I yearned for Shimamura with all my heart.
Adachi…
Shimamura…
Even as the clock was running out on our summer vacation, the heat showed no signs of receding. This was something I found frustrating. If I was already miserable just sitting around my house, how was I supposed to find the motivation to go outside? Most days, I ended up twiddling my thumbs in my room. This was to be expected, however. People who tried to fill their vacation days with activities were completely missing the point. Vacations were supposed to be a break. Praise be to the blank calendar.
Unlike me, my little sister was downstairs in our room, calmly working on her homework. Hard to say if she actually felt as calm as she looked—it probably depended on the amount she had left to finish. But since she liked to play the part of a goody-goody honor student at school, she probably didn’t have much more to do.
“Ah, I have discovered Shimamura-san!”
Then Yashiro walked in. When she spotted me, she beamed and toddled right over. This time, oddly enough, she was carrying her astronaut helmet under her arm. Only then did I remember that this kid was pretending to be an alien.
“I was hoping to enrich my friendship with Little, but she told me she is too busy with her homework.”
“So she kicked you out, huh? Join the club.”
Likewise, I had come up to the second-floor study room to let her work in peace. But I didn’t have anything to do, and the air circulation was terrible up here, so my only oasis from the suffocating heat was an ancient electric fan. Its generated breeze wasn’t even cold, but at least it kept the air from stagnating.
Yashiro set her helmet in the corner of the room, then came and sat between my legs. I was sitting right up against the table, but nevertheless, she wedged herself in. Her hair fluttered in the fan’s breeze, tickling my face… For some reason, filling my vision with her cool color palette never failed to make me feel a bit chilly. Evidently, she was the perfect summer accessory.
“You said you don’t have any homework, right? Because you don’t go to school?”
“That is correct,” she declared, thrusting out her chest.
I couldn’t help but wonder about the circumstances behind it. Most kids her age were required by law to attend school, so it was a huge mystery. But even if I rattled her head around, I knew I’d never get an answer out of her. Maybe she really was an alien. Not like it would change anything.
“Do you have any of this ‘homework,’ Shimamura-san?”
“Of course I do.” Believe me, I had plenty of it. And I was gonna get around to it…later. Probably.
Then I wondered how Adachi was doing with her homework. When we first met, she was a delinquent, so maybe she hadn’t touched it…or maybe she’d already dutifully finished it. It’s not like she thought I was serious when I said we didn’t have any, right? Given her personality, I figured she had it all scheduled out. At her core, she was a very responsible girl. It’s just that she kinda loses her composure whenever I’m involved.
Looking back, it was all so obvious. She often became flustered in social situations due to her critical lack of experience, but fundamentally, she wanted to improve herself and she wanted to be seen in a positive light. That was just how much she loved me… The thought made me blush.
My first instinct was to question whether maybe her love for me was all some misunderstanding on my part, but…most likely, it wasn’t. That being said, I didn’t actually know for sure what kind of love she felt for me, but being in love with someone generally meant you wanted to spend all your time with that person, and Adachi fit the bill. Her eyes, her attitude, her entire vibe begged to be with me. Whenever she panicked, she’d always get this complicated look on her face—it was practically her signature look at this point.
To be clear, I didn’t mind spending time with her, but what was supposed to happen from there? Adachi seemed convinced that something else would come of it, or else she wouldn’t angle for it constantly. What did she want from me? I could envision her asking me to hold hands with her forever and stay with her forever and only ever think about her and never look at a single other person ever again. Frankly, it all seemed so exhausting. I could handle living my life without other people, but the prospect of being stuck with only Adachi, forever and ever, was…not pleasant.
Besides, if I followed those instructions to the letter, then I wouldn’t be myself anymore. At that point, would she still love me? What did she even love about me to begin with? If I asked her flat out, she might run for the hills. Alternatively, on the off chance that she did give me an answer, I could easily picture her saying, “Everything!” or something else equally as vague and unhelpful.
“Is something on your mind?” Yashiro asked suddenly, bringing me back to reality. I looked down to find two untainted blue globes looking back at me.
“Huh? You can tell?” That’s weird. I thought I was pretty zoned out.
“Keh heh heh! I have X-ray vision!”
She opened her eyes as wide as they could go…but to me, her eyes just looked like regular old eyes, so I wasn’t buying it. In fact, they were so pretty, I couldn’t really take her seriously.
“You can talk to me about it if you’d like,” she continued, fixing me with those big eyes. Given how wide she was stretching them, you’d think they’d be bloodshot, but nope. The whites of her eyes were as clear as a still lake, with her round sapphire irises seemingly floating on top. She was so flawless, I couldn’t help but marvel at the fact that she was somehow a living, breathing person rather than a doll.
That being said, the thought of asking Yashiro for advice made me laugh out loud. Maybe if my problems involved doughnuts or something.
“Hey! I care about more than just doughnuts!” she protested, balling her soft little hands into fists and swinging them around with a smile.
I stared at her in shock. How could she have possibly known what I was thinking?
“I love all carbs equally!”
“…Yes, of course, sweetie.”
I stroked her hair, and little blue light particles gently floated out from between my fingers. I could already tell this was going to go poorly, but I decided to ask her regardless.
“Why do you choose to be kind to people?”
A kid like her wouldn’t have ulterior motives. Surely there was something else to it.
“Because I like you earthlings very much,” she replied offhandedly, without missing a beat.
“Hmm.” Once again, like with Iwaya-san, I had asked the wrong person.
“In particular, I especially like you and Little. I feel we share the same wavelength.”
“I see.”
Well, that was direct. I averted my eyes. I wasn’t sure I understood what she meant by wavelength, but her unfiltered honesty made me squirm. That being said…the old me would have said this stuff too. Strange to think that growing up had somehow made me less capable than I was before.
“Do you like me, Shimamura-san?”
“Huh? Well, let’s see… Eh, you’re okay for a little kid.” I’d probably say the same to my sister too, if she ever asked.
“Then that makes us friends!” Yashiro declared, beaming up at me as she rested against my chest. And when I looked back at her, I could feel my shoulders relaxing as a smile crept up on my face.
Her innocence was contagious and unlike anyone I’d ever known…which is to say that normally most people grew out of it. That was why my personality and priorities had changed, and when I saw Yashiro rejecting that transition, it made me…worried? Jealous? Nostalgic for the old days? All of the above, perhaps. Her purity slashed at my heart like a cat’s claws. But she didn’t realize this, of course.
“Mmmhh!”
When I stretched her cheeks, they really stretched. Man, I could get addicted to this. Then, as I was entertaining myself, my sister came upstairs to tell us she had finished her allotted quota of homework for the day.
“Hello there, Little.”
“Did you finish your homework, kiddo?”
“Hmmm…” She frowned at each of us in turn. “I’ll go with Yachi.”
“Okay…?” For some reason, she chose Yashiro but not me.
Time passed, and I found myself wondering what they were up to. “Enriching their friendship” with snacks, if I had to guess. They were really getting along these days, as evidenced by the audacity with which Yashiro mooched from our family. Lately, she showed up for nearly every meal.
“Feels like she’s gonna move in at this rate…”
And for some reason, no one in the family would take issue with it. Had she put us all under hypnosis or something? Eh, whatever. I didn’t really have a problem with her. After all, blue was my favorite color.
Seeing as my sister had finished her homework, there was no longer any need for me to camp out up here…but right as I was about to get up, my phone started ringing.
“Yes, yes, I hear you,” I muttered as it blared. I figured it was Adachi again, but it was actually Tarumi. That’s unusual… Wait, no, it isn’t. Now that I thought about it, she called me quite a lot. As I stooped down in front of the noisy electric fan, I picked up.
“Hello? Taru-chan?”
“Sup, girl?”
“Not much…”
While my voice was lethargic in the heat, hers was chipper and lively. You’d think all delinquents were sullen and bratty, but not this one, apparently.
“Just thought I’d call since we haven’t been able to talk in a while.”
“We haven’t?”
“I mean, like, I haven’t been able to call you.”
“Really? How come?”
“Well…whenever I try, usually the line’s busy.”
Her tone was passive-aggressive. For a moment I was confused, but then it sank in.
“I mean, not that I’ve been calling you every day or anything!” she continued hastily. “I must just have really bad timing or something.”
“Something like that, I guess!” I nodded.
But in reality, it was probably because I spent so many hours on the phone with Adachi. I hadn’t internalized it until now, so it was actually kind of a shock. I thought I had my friendships all figured out, so I never realized just how unbalanced things had gotten. But when I thought about it, yeah… These days, my attention was leaning pretty heavily in Adachi’s favor.
“Wow…”
There was something almost remarkable about it—a sudden sense of freedom, like if a bad head cold had vanished in an instant. Or like I’d found a secret room behind a false wall in my house. It was exciting in a good way.
“What’s up?” she asked.
“Umm…” How could I explain it? My gut was telling me not to go into detail, lest things get complicated.
Why, oh, why must it be so hard to manage my friendships?
If you played with one particular toy too much, your greasy little hands would make it all grimy—but if you didn’t play with it enough, it would get dusty, and you might forget it was even there. Moderation is key, as the saying went, but when it came to finding that perfect middle ground, I struggled. If such a skill existed, then it wasn’t in my wheelhouse. Frankly, I was just too lazy to care.
“Well, anyway…that’s not what I wanted to talk about,” she continued.
“Oh, yeah?”
“See, there’s a festival this weekend… Actually, you probably already know about it, right? The festival this weekend?”
“Yeah…?”
“And I haven’t seen you lately…or at least, not since you got back from your trip…so I was thinking it might be a good…opportunity…”
So that’s what this is about—an invitation to the festival. But this time, Adachi had asked first, and I’d already agreed to go with her.
That being said, Tarumi wasn’t like Adachi; if I invited her along as a third wheel, she’d probably be fine with it. In that case, we could enjoy the festival as a trio…right? I don’t know about that, said a niggling little voice in the back of my head. Adachi won’t like it. What if it makes her cry?
When I thought about it that way…
“I’m sorry.” Mentally, I pressed a finger to the wet earth and drew a line in the sand. “But I already agreed to go with someone else.”
On the other side of the gulf between us, I could hear a hint of panic in her breath. Her voice felt so far away.
“Oh, I…I see…”
“Yeah…”
I switched off the fan. I was worried maybe I jumped the gun in turning her down since I didn’t let her finish talking, but it turned out I was right.
“Is it, like…your sister or something?”
“No, uh, a classmate from school.”
It was the blandest word I could have possibly chosen to describe my relationship with Adachi. Surely I could have picked anything else—friend, class-ditching buddy, fellow oddball. This classmate and I had spent the past year building something special together and making it shine. She gave me so much, and somehow I never got tired of it…
“Oh, c-coo—cool, cool.” Meanwhile, Tarumi cooed like a pigeon. But I could tell there was more she wanted to say.
“So, yeah…I can’t.”
I could have softened it and told her I wished I could go with her, but instead, I chose not to. I didn’t fully grasp what this meant, nor did I see where it would lead. Regardless, I committed myself to widening the gulf.
“No can do, huh?”
No can do. The tension hung heavy in the air, but I felt no regret.
Thankfully, the call ended shortly after that. I sighed heavily, and my shoulders drooped. The weight of all these interpersonal relationships made my bones creak. Still, after I let out all my breath and stared at the floor for a while, I could feel a burden lifting. On second thought, perhaps we humans crammed a few too many things into our lives. Maybe it was that invisible weight that caused us to develop the terminal illness known as laziness.
I set my phone down and went downstairs. Then I heard noises coming from the kitchen, so I peeked inside. Sure enough, I found my mother dicing up an onion.
“Hey, Mom, would you lend me one of your yukatas later?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I wanna wear one to the festival this weekend,” I explained casually…and yet I could feel an ache in my chest. It was hard for me to outright ask for the things I wanted; it made me feel painfully vulnerable. This was a feeling I only started to experience after I hit double digits, and I hadn’t struggled with it this hard in quite some time.
“Sure, no problem. So what changed your mind? Last time you weren’t interested.”
“Mmm, I just feel like it?”
She looked at me skeptically as she chopped her onion. Why did she always have to point out all the things I didn’t want her to notice? Maybe that was just how parents operated. They spent a lot of time with us, so they could easily detect every tiny change.
“Plus, last time I went, literally everybody was in a yukata except me.”
“Ha ha ha! I tried to warn you, but you never listen!” she scoffed, as if she always knew everything. But of course, my dear mother never let a little thing like compassion slow her down. “So now you’re going to another festival?”
“I got invited, so, yeah.”
“You did, hmm?”
For some reason—maybe because I shot Tarumi down?—I felt strangely guilty.
“Anyway, thanks in advance,” I blurted as I rushed out of the kitchen. I hadn’t done anything wrong, nor had my mother, and yet once I was out of her line of sight, my pace quickened. My legs were restless, as if something was goading me on.
I hadn’t lied to her. Everything I said back there was true. But there was one more reason, if you could call it that. More of an offhand whim, really.
I just thought it would make Adachi happy.