Chapter 1: Smile, Smile, Shining Bright

Chapter 1:
Smile, Smile, Shining Bright

 

I COULD HEAR some kind of clapping sound, but it wasn’t my hands. My curtains were closed, and yet I could already see light shining in through my window. In a blink, it had gone from night to morning…and my body felt as light as a feather. Granted, I didn’t generally have trouble waking up in the morning, but why did I feel so good?

I flung open the curtains—and what I saw took my breath away.

The rising sun had lit up the rooftops and trees, softening all the sharp edges with the warm, fuzzy glow of morning. Never before had the sunlight looked so magical. All it took was a little change of mindset to change the whole world… Wait, no. My mindset was my whole world.

These were things I’d read in a book somewhere, but only now did it all finally click.

When I hopped out of bed, it felt like I was walking on clouds—springy like a trampoline, but not stable. I could scarcely feel the carpet beneath my toes. I paced around and around the room, my mind unfocused, unable to think of an objective. What do I do first? I kept wandering to and fro, distracted by every possibility I came across. It felt like my brain might shut down altogether if I wasn’t careful.

Eventually I sat down in the center of my room and pulled out a dictionary.

“C… Co… Cou…”

I sounded like a pigeon.

Couple: two people who are married, engaged, or otherwise romantically involved.

Dating: two people in an intimate relationship.

Girlfriend: a regular female companion with whom a person has a romantic relationship.

I slammed the book shut and flopped to the floor. My chest ached so bad, I couldn’t breathe. My solar plexus felt tight, and my limbs felt heavy from the lack of oxygen. I knew I needed to fill my lungs, but when I opened my mouth, the air clogged my throat in a single mass that suffocated me even more. I buried my face in the carpet and coughed.

After I writhed for a while, I rolled onto my back and clutched my chest. My skin was burning hotter and hotter like it was cooking in the summer sun. Then my neck flushed pink, and my heart started to race, bringing with it nausea and a headache. Still, I didn’t really mind it. In a way, it was refreshing. All these different maladies were bringing me to life.

As my mind swirled like a merry-go-round, I finally regained a tiny piece of composure: Okay, let’s just calm down for a minute. Why was I freaking out? I wasn’t sweaty when I woke up, so why was my shirt soaked? As I took a deep breath, I ran my fingers through my thoroughly warmed hair and retraced my steps as calmly as possible.

Right now, it’s morning…and before, it was last night… Ugh, I’m already not making any sense! I scratched my head. Last night…I went to a festival with Shimamura, and, uh…now it’s the next day.

Only ten hours had passed since then, and yet the memories felt as distant as fireworks in the night sky. The details were so fuzzy, I was starting to worry it was all just a dream. I didn’t even remember how I got home last night. Everything that happened after Shimamura said yes was a blur—much like the way I could only ever remember the good parts of my dreams. I seemed to recall her taking my hand and leading me home, and I was pretty sure we talked about something, but I couldn’t remember what she said to me or how I responded. Normally, I remembered everything about Shimamura, so I must have been in pretty bad shape.

Yes, it was a mind-blowing night. First, I told Shimamura that I loved her. She asked me what I wanted from her. Then one thing led to another, and we decided to be girlfriends.

I clapped my hands to my cheeks. I was too restless to sit still; my toes were wiggling like they had half a mind to take off without me. Frankly, anyone in my shoes who could stay calm was probably a psychopath. The whole room was spinning.

Being Shimamura’s girlfriend was probably—definitely—proof that I was special. That was what meant the most to me. We were vitally important and irreplaceable to each other…right? Immediately, I started to question myself. For some reason I felt vaguely uneasy, like maybe I was still dreaming. The sun had risen on a new day, just like always, and I was functionally awake, but my mind was still drunk on those festival lantern lights.

So I asked myself: What do I do now? I could hear my bones rattling in my body, and it took me a few minutes before I found the otherwise extremely obvious answer: Just take it one problem at a time. First, let’s make sure it wasn’t a dream.

I picked up my phone, opened my nearly empty address book, and pulled up Shimamura’s entry. The mere sight of her name made my palms sweaty. Then the fear and excitement set in all at once, wrestling for dominance until my stomach hurt. If only I had the good sense to wait until those feelings faded, perhaps I could save myself a little embarrassment on a daily basis—but of course, I never had time for that.

It took a while for Shimamura to answer, but then she finally picked up.

“…Nnhello?”

Her voice had all the energy of a wet paper towel. Instinctively, I straightened up—and gave myself a cramp in the process. Then my confidence faltered, and I shrank back down again. “Hey, um…good morning.” My throat was already on fire.

“Oh, hi, Adachi… What’s up?”

She still sounded half-asleep. I knew she wasn’t an early bird, but really? Then I looked up at the clock and realized it was only 6 a.m. Anybody would be sleepy! Now I was starting to feel bad for calling her without thinking it through. A cold sweat trickled down my back. “Sorry, um… You were sleeping, huh?”

“Mmhm… ’m sleepy…”

Her responses were getting weaker by the second. If I waited too long, chances were good she’d fall asleep on me. “Should I…call you back later? I should, shouldn’t I?”

“No, it’s okay… Did you need something?”

She sounded like the same old Shimamura. And I was the same old me—panicking and stumbling like always. Wait, what? So…nothing’s changed? This realization calmed me down a bit. I just needed to try my best, like normal. Frankly, it’s a miracle I made it this far with no chill whatsoever.

“Listen, um…”

“Yeah?”

I had so many questions I wanted to ask: How did I get home last night? Did I have a mental breakdown? Was I even conscious? But at their root, they all led to the most important question of all, so I decided to lead with that.

Swallowing, I gripped the phone. If it turned out the whole thing was a dream, I was about to humiliate myself on a “lifelong trauma” type of level. It was tantamount to walking off a cliff.

“You and me are…d…day…ting now…right?” I asked, my voice cracking. Then I started to hiccup, too. Lifelong trauma, here I come!

“Uhhh… I think so.”

How can you be so casual about this?! Reflexively, I flailed my legs against the floor. “So…um…l-last night…”

“Yup, as of last night,” she replied, as airily as a party balloon.

It wasn’t a dream. Everything that happened yesterday had now led to today. I bowed my head, giving thanks to my past self for every little step she took to bring me here. “Well, I…I’m looking forward to it.”

“Uh huh. Me too.” I could hear her hair rustling on the other end of the line.

Maybe it was too much to ask, since she was so sleepy, but…I was…kind of hoping she’d be a bit more excited than that… No, if I want something, then I need to put myself out there and get it!

“I…I really love you, so…um…” I couldn’t think of a smart way to lead into it, so instead I just said it flat-out. Times like these, it was painfully apparent just how inexperienced I was. But I only had myself to blame.

“Oh, wow… Gosh… Thanks.”

Her long, drawn-out pauses made me blush all the way to my ears. Then the conversation died. As usual, I had no clue what else I was supposed to say. Instead, I suffocated in the heat and silence.

“Well, um…guess I’ll go,” I stammered.

“Okay.”

“Um…sleep well?” This was not something I usually said at 6 a.m.

“I will indeed…”

I could hear her voice pulling away. Our relationship had changed, and yet neither of us were any different over the phone. Was this normal? I couldn’t be sure.

But just then…her breath returned to my ear.

“I love you too.”

And then she hung up.

“……What?”

WHAT?!

A sprinkling of warm droplets beaded all over my face. I could feel a hole in my chest like my soul had been dislodged; meanwhile, my neck felt like it was overstuffed. Slowly but surely, this feeling permeated my entire body.

Then I leapt up, crawling around the floor on my elbows and knees, clutching my burning face and writhing in shame as the words replayed over and over in my head. It felt like I’d swallowed something toxic, and I was in no condition to think straight. Instead, I pressed my fingers to my eyes and quietly endured it.

But I quickly hit my breaking point.

God, she—she just—ADSDHGKLGSDK!!!

“Whaddafaaa… whaaaddaFAAAA! BWAAAHH! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!”

I flailed my limbs like a dying housefly.

 

***

 

On that mid-August morning, the cicadas’ drone started to wane…and a different creature howled in their place. This marked the start of many dreamy days to come.

 

***

 

When I next awoke, clutching my head, I wondered if maybe the phone conversation was all a dream too. Whenever good things happened to me, it made me nervous, because I knew real life wasn’t like that. Real life was unforgiving.

But on second thought, maybe I was a little bit off there. Maybe real life wasn’t unforgiving—just apathetic to our individual struggles. Real life was everything that surrounded us: the environment we lived in, the air we breathed, our interpersonal relationships, and all the furthest reaches of the galaxy… When I stopped to think about it, none of these were directly connected to one single person.

Thus, real life had no interest in us. It didn’t pick on us, nor did it help us; things simply happened, and whether every roll of the dice was a 6 or a 1, no one was behind the wheel. There was no need to tremble in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But of course, conversely, it meant nothing would save me from a string of unlucky events either.

“But…!”

I sat cross-legged on the floor and swayed from side to side. No amount of philosophical pondering was going to allay my short-term worries. Should I call her back at lunchtime and ask her to confirm what she said? I smacked my forehead and my hair. Why did I always lash out at myself whenever I was feeling ashamed?

And another thing: why was I always such a…such a wet noodle whenever I talked to Shimamura? I used to be able to speak my mind, so what happened? I tucked my knees under my chin and mulled it over. If growing up had somehow made me less capable than I was before, then I wasn’t growing up the right way—or so a wise person once said. Then again, I wasn’t exactly the most capable kid either.

I’m just desperate for Shimamura to love me, I thought with a sigh. That was why I spent so much time carefully choosing my words, whereas in the past I spoke freely and without fear. Looking back, I used to be a pretty decent communicator. Well, should I try to speak with no filter? I asked myself, like an idiot. Then my brain answered: That’s just not possible. She’s the one person I don’t want to hurt.

Relationships were so complicated. Especially when you were emotionally invested.

I nuzzled my face against my knees and zoned out. I had been granted my heart’s deepest desire, and now I was feeling it out, trying to find the line between dream and reality. Once it all hit home, though, I’d probably start running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Seriously, can’t I just keep it together for once?

Then I started thinking: If I could have stayed the way I was before, would my relationship with Shimamura be any different? More open, maybe? Less…stagnant? There was so much I couldn’t control about myself…but then again, maybe that was part of the human experience.

I sighed. For some reason, I really wanted to hear her voice again. I could feel my eardrums yearning for her. Should I call her? I reached out to grab my phone. Oh, but I could always go see her in person. I could go to her house, and…

“…Nah, that’s okay.”

I decided not to meet up with her in person just yet. There was no telling how I might embarrass myself this time, and I didn’t want her to change her mind about me. Instead, I needed to give myself some extra time to calm down and organize my thoughts first. In fact, maybe it could wait until the start of the new semester.

Still, a quick call wouldn’t hurt, I thought to myself as my outstretched hand finally settled on my cell phone. I just needed to take it one step at a time and answer each question as it came to me.

This time she answered quickly.

“Uh, Shimamura?”

“Morning!” She sounded much more awake—and much more her usual self.

The instant her voice reached my ears, I remembered the last thing she said before, and my cheeks tingled. “Hey, good morning… You awake?”

She laughed. “Well, duh. What time do you think it is?”

I looked up at the clock: 10 a.m. She made it sound like she wouldn’t normally be asleep right about now, but frankly, I could easily picture her sleeping in until noon.

“So what’s up?” she asked.

“Uhhh…”

I decided to skip the small talk and cut right to the chase. The longer I talked, the more likely I was to put my foot in my mouth.

“Earlier, um…” I could feel my heart throbbing in my throat. “Th-the whole ‘I love you’ thing…”

“Oh, yeah, that. You said that already, but thank you.”

“No, uh, that’s not what I meant…”

“So you didn’t mean it? Wow. I’m devastated.”

“Wha… No, I… No, no, no! I mean you, not me!”

“What about me?”

“You…you told me you love me…right?”

Somehow, she thought I was talking about when I said it to her, not the other way around. I hunched myself up in a tight little ball and endured the burning shame.

“…Did I?”

“What?”

I got the sense maybe she was teasing me to distract from her own embarrassment. Ha ha, very funny. But then the silence lingered, and I realized she was serious. My jokey response evaporated into thin air before I could say a word of it.

“Umm…Adachi? Are you mad at me?”

“Urgh…” I swallowed hard. “No, uh…I mean, not really…”

“Aha! So you admit you’re mad at me! Look, I’m sorry—I honestly don’t remember.”

I tried to deny it, but she saw right through me. Still, what I felt wasn’t really anger; I was just on the verge of becoming an emotional wreck. But for Shimamura, it was probably easier to sum it up by saying I was mad instead. Honestly, she wasn’t far off, and the fact that she could make these split-second judgments was proof of her vastly superior social skills. In her shoes, I would have hesitated and stammered.

“Really, though…I’m not mad, but…”

“But?”

Naturally, she was quick to notice that I had more to say too. She actually really understands me! The thought made me light up with joy. But I couldn’t just sit there and sparkle, of course.

“I…I want you to…say it again,” I stammered. To my own ears, it was asking far too much. But if she didn’t remember, then we could always just do it over again. Well, okay, maybe not always. But in this case, there was still time.

“Wha? Come on… Gimme a break…” Her voice shifted, suggesting she’d moved her head. “It’s a little embarrassing…and by a little, I mean a lot…”

“Just…just try!”

“I don’t think it’s that easy…”

In my excitement, I sat up straight, waiting eagerly. This was possibly the first time I’d ever asked someone to tell me they loved me…or at least, I couldn’t remember ever asking my parents. Maybe that was why the impact of it swatted me like a fly the first time around. But as far as I was concerned, Shimamura was allowed to swat me anytime.

I was so worked up, I could feel myself starting to breathe more heavily. But I didn’t want to sound like a creep over the phone, so I exhaled slowly, suppressing my panic. Then I held my breath.

“I love you, Adachi.”

Her voice was just as warm as last time. If I was a water heater, steam would be gushing from my ears right now. Wait, does the “water heater” part even matter? Ugh, I don’t know! All I knew for sure was that I was melting on the inside.

“In fact, I love you sooo much, the words slipped out subconsciously…I guess.”

“Wh-what part?” I asked, for personal reference.

“What?”

“What’s your favorite thing about me?” I clarified. Then I heard her pause.

“Ummm…I love that you don’t ask me those kinds of questions! Ha ha…”

I thought about it, but I was still confused. “I don’t get it.”

“No luck, huh? Was kinda hoping I could get out of answering…”

This caught my attention. “So you don’t have a favorite thing about me?”

“Sure I do! Lots! But when you put me on the spot, I need a minute to think of the answer, that’s all.”

“You do…?”

She sure didn’t seem to “need a minute” to tell me about her chocolate preferences. If it was so hard to answer the question, then did she really even love me at all?

“What about you, Adachi? Can you name the things you love about me?”

“Yup. I can think of all kinds of things.” Enough to fill a whole notebook, in fact. Because I literally filled a whole notebook.

“Whoa… That’s really surprising.”

“What? No, it isn’t.” A few conversations were all it took to make me dream of kissing you, Shimamura. You’re just that great.

“All kinds of things? Really?”

“Really. Tons of stuff.”

I could speak more confidently about Shimamura than I could about myself. It was obvious which of us I cared about more.

“Well, okay. That’s good.” She sounded pretty convinced. “You know, I think there’s value in asking other people to point out the things you can’t see for yourself.”

Evidently, the concept resonated with her somehow…but it didn’t seem like she was going to clue me in, and the distance between us frustrated me.

“And now that we’re together, you’ll teach me what my good points are, right?”

Despite my impatience, I could sense that she was still willing to make things work, and that alone was enough to set my heart aflame. “I…I’ll do my best!” I agreed eagerly, balling my hands into fists. I’ll always be right there for you.

“Hee hee! Okay, I look forward to it.”

“Uh…c-cool!”

I’m gonna point out tons of stuff. Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.

Later, after that phone call came to an end, my brain felt floaty—similar to the detachment of anxiety, but with soft, fuzzy edges. Then it hit me: Wait, but she didn’t answer the question I asked her! I wasn’t mad, though. If anything, I was continually impressed by her conversational skills.

“Hee hee hee hee hee…”

I could hear a creepy laugh coming from somewhere.

Then I looked around the room and realized: it was my creepy laugh.

Naturally, I started laughing harder.

 

***

 

I was sitting in the corner of the room, knees tucked under my chin. Couldn’t begin to pinpoint where I was or what time it was. After all, the majority of my life was spent this way.

Since childhood, I was notoriously terrible at making friends. The other kids were all just as inexperienced as I was, and yet they seemed to have a natural sense for social situations in a way that I simply didn’t. Why? Was I born with a defective soul? Did humans even have souls to begin with? If so, then where did they come from?

If I inherited it from my parents, could I blame all my problems on them? No, of course I couldn’t. I was the one in control; I was free to decide for myself what constituted as friendship. But instead, I just sat there in the corner and did nothing. That was how I lived my life…until now. Now I ventured out into the light of day, beneath the rising sun.

Today was September 1st: the first day of the new school semester.

A year ago, I didn’t even attend the entrance ceremony. I was fickle and lazy; I didn’t go to class, so I fell behind. But it wasn’t a waste of time, and I didn’t regret it. After all, that was how I met Shimamura. That alone was enough to light up my world.

To me, September 1st marked the start of a new year with Shimamura by my side.

I grabbed my bicycle and set off in the opposite direction of the school. It was still early, and the sun wasn’t quite up, but I didn’t need it. Soon, I would be with Shimamura. And to me, her smile shone brighter than any star.