◆Chapter 18: Handshake Sessions and Ardent Fans
◆Chapter 18: Handshake Sessions and Ardent Fans
THINGS started going amiss after I finished purifying the outlying regions and returned to the capital with Lex.
“Zombies! Zombies in the city!” someone screams.
“No way! I thought we got rid of the city dwellers?!” I can’t believe my ears.
“Some may have slipped in overnight without our notice,” Lex frets.
“But they can’t get in except through the gates or over the walls. How could we miss that?”
“Zombies over here too!” comes a scream from another location.
“R-Run!”
The confusion proliferates, sending people running for their lives. Did several dozen zombies break in? Or has the infection found a new way of spreading? Whatever the case is—
“We don’t have time to sit and chat about it…”
“Indeed. For now, we should hurry to where the zombies are running amok!”
◆◆◆◆◆
“HUMANS have reverted into zombies?”
After handling the zombies that had suddenly popped up in the capital, Lex and I headed straight to where Pino was working in the Royal Library.
“Yeah. The witnesses all gave the same testimony, so it can’t be wrong. I took care of it on the spot since there weren’t too many and it’s daytime, but—”
“The people are disturbed by the discovery that some are turning back into zombies, right?” Pino concludes from where he’s sitting, reading a hefty book.
“A significant number of citizens observed it happen, so I want to put an end to the chaos fast,” Lex continues, uncaring that he’s interrupting Pino’s book time.
“And that is why you came to me?” Pino sighs while shutting his book and shoots me a nasty look. “I’m very busy, though. Aren’t I, Miss Priestess?”
“I am beyond grateful and can never be grateful enough for what you are doing, Pino. Yes, indeedy.”
We’re adding this incident on top of his assisting me in finding a way home. I can’t argue with him.
“Well, it’s fine this time,” Pino relents, changing moods. “It could be caused by the addition of a new external factor, but… First, what information do you have on the rezombified people?”
“Everything we know is included in this report.”
Pino accepts the report from Lex and scans it. “Interesting. A lot of knights. And many of them members of the Royal Knights…” he mutters, suspiciously looking Lex over.
“Wh-What is it?”
“Nothing. By the way, Miss Priestess, is Her Highness in good health?” Pino swings his gaze from Lex to me.
“Yeah, she’s doing well. Why?”
“I see. So that’s what this is.”
“Did you figure something out?”
Pino nods confidently. “Zombie purification is very likely not a permanent solution. The effects weaken over time since they last touched you, eventually ending in them reverting to zombies. The reason there’s a high number of Royal Knights among the rezombified is that they were the first to be purified.”
I had saved the capital city full of normal citizens for last, starting my purification process with the knight-filled castle. Pino’s not mistaken in what he’s saying—except for one thing.
“Then why is Cia unaffected? I returned her to human long before the others.”
“Simple—because she’s often in physical contact with you.”
We wash each other’s backs during our baths, sleep together, and even hold hands often. There’s no question I touch her more than anyone else.
“Does that mean their time as humans can be extended by touching me?”
“That is what it means, yes.”
“Ugh. Then I have to touch everyone constantly for the rest of my life? I’m not big on that idea…”
“According to my conjecture, if you repeat the process several times, the curse will diminish, and you won’t need to purify that person again.”
“I sure hope so, or else I’ll go insane.”
Girls and women are one thing, but I don’t want to keep touching strange men I don’t know. I’ve been doing it only because it’s necessary to purify them; it’s not like I’m perfectly fine with it.
“If that is the case, we must remedy the matter with urgency. How should we proceed?” Lex asks.
“It needs to be an efficient method that lets me touch a lot of people at once,” I say, murmuring “Hmm” along with Lex.
“I have an idea,” Pino says, smirking. “Let’s hold a handshake session.”
◆◆◆◆◆
A tent is temporarily set up near the outer castle gate. The handshake session is going to be held there.
“We need to test and see first.”
At Pino’s advice, five hundred people have been gathered for the first session. This is fewer people than I purified on my first day making the rounds in the city, though seeing them all lined up like this makes it feel like there are even more. Thanks to the hardworking knights, people are waiting in an orderly line, but I shudder at the thought of them suddenly rushing at me in confusion.
“Please shake Priestess Mizuha’s hand in order! Please be quick because there is a line behind you! Please don’t push!” Lex shouts through his hands cupped like a megaphone. He isn’t acting like I’d expect a knight to in this situation. He’s more like a security guard cosplaying as a knight.
In any case, the handshake session has begun. Men and women of all ages have come. I spend less than ten seconds with each person, but they all leave different impressions.
“Thanks, Holy Priestess!”
“I am truly…truly grateful to you.”
Most people express their gratitude. I struggle with how to react to those among them who rub their hands together, prayerfully exclaiming, “Goddess be thanked! Goddess praise you!”
The knights did the most work bringing these people back, but I also worked hard every day to the point of dizziness. I can greet them with a genuine smile when I think their presence here is the result of what we did.
“Th-This girl’s saliva is… GULP!”
“I shall never wash the hand you touched, Priestess!”
“Haaah…haaah…haah…”
My smile accidentally slips a little—no, a lot—whenever the occasional heavy-breathing pervert slips into the line. Forcing my twitching lips up, I somehow manage to shake their hands.
“Hey, Lex? I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but aren’t there one too many weirdos in Grantz?”
“That just goes to show how happy everyone is to shake your hand, Lady Mizuha.”
I believe there is a limit to what’s appropriate behavior when someone is excited! Still, though, I never thought the day would come in my life when I would be holding a handshake session.
For starters, I’m not all sparkly and cheery like an idol, and aside from a small group of perverts, the people coming to shake my hand are here with the wholehearted desire not to turn back into zombies. It’s still an unexpected development for me, though.
“Lady Mizuha, are you fatigued?”
“A little, yeah. But it doesn’t seem to tire me out as much as when I turn zombies back into humans. You can slightly increase the number of people starting tomorrow.”
Having said that, I’m burning out from shaking hands with more people than I had expected. It wouldn’t be right to greet them with a sour face, so I’m smiling and sitting up straight mostly because I don’t want them to see me slouching. I can’t ever put my arm down either. This is more tiring than anything else.
But it’s better than everyone turning back into zombies and having to go through that again, so I’ll push through it. Mentally encouraging myself, I lift my head and see someone familiar standing in front of me.
“Excuse me, weren’t you here earlier…?” I ask.
“You remembered me, MIZUHA!”
On top of his being first in line, he squeezed my hand for an awfully long time, so I remember him well from the horrible impression he left.
“Uggh,” I quietly whimper. Spotting my obviously uncomfortable expression, Lex deals with him in my place.
“My apologies, sir, but each person gets only one handshake.”
“Lex Irvine… You dare stand in my way?”
“Lord Rowadan. Even you are expected to follow the rules. Will one of you men escort Lord Rowadan away?”
A knight runs over and ushers the man out of line. “Dirty scoundrel! Unhand me!” The man struggles but is powerless against a knight. He’s dragged away until he’s out of sight.
After the commotion is over, I ask Lex about it. “Do you know that man?”
“Lord Keith Rowadan. He is the son of the seigneur of Lajina Seigneury located to the southwest of the capital.”
“You mean he’s a nobleman?”
“That would make him one, yes.”
“Heh,” I utter, indifferent. Between his mushroom-cut red hair and fancy crimson vest, he had the exaggerated look of a nobleman, but he was so desperate, he came off as a totally inconsequential person.
…Well, it’s not like I’ll see him again, so it’s not my problem, I think, but boy am I mistaken.
“Hi there. I’ve come to see you again, MiZUha!” Keith shows up a short while later looking all nonchalant and innocent.
Seeing his sunny smile, I dispassionately say, “Lex.”
“As you command, m’lady.” At Lex’s orders, two knights seize Keith’s arms and begin dragging him away.
“P-Please wait! I fell in love with you at first sight!”
“Ueehh?” I croak in a weird voice. His confession appears to send shockwaves through the crowd. I’m not the one who confessed my love in front of them, yet I’m drowning in embarrassment.
“How is that for a reason?!”
“Unfortunately, that is not a valid reason.”
Keith is hauled farther away by the knights at Lex’s ruthless judgment. But he hasn’t given up yet, it seems.
“Damn it! You leave me no choice but to become a zombie to see you again!”
“You will only tire me out, so seriously, drop the idea.” His extremely idiotic plan sweeps away my embarrassment. Annoyed, I put a question to him. “Why are you so obsessed with me? I believe today is the first time we’ve spoken…”
“But we met long before today! Indeed, it was on that day you saved me from being a zombie…” He takes an exaggerated pose like he’s acting out a reminiscing scene in a play. “You were shining when I saw you!”
“That would be the purification light.”
“My heart was pounding so hard my chest hurt!”
“Sorry about that. I probably punched you in the chest…”
“And I’m okay with that!”
What happened to his heart-pounding moment?
“I’m sorry. I can’t reciprocate your feelings.”
“Why don’t you understand how I feel for you…?!”
“No, I am rejecting your feelings because I do understand.” No matter how much I reject him, Keith won’t give up.
“You can play and live in luxury for the rest of your life if you become my wife. You can do whatever you want with the vast lands of Lajina!”
“Lord Rowadan, that region is still infected by the zombie blight.”
“……”
This guy is a mess. I’m starting to pity him a smidge. Not that I’m going to accept his affections because of it, though.
“I see the truth now! This man is the reason why.” Keith, having arrived at what’s likely the wrong conclusion, throws off the knights and thrusts his finger at Lex. “Lex Irvine! Duel me right here and now!”
“What would you like me to do, m’lady?” Lex asks me with a troubled look.
“Hmm, he seems like the type to throw another fit if you refuse.”
“In that case, I shall quickly teach him a lesson.”
A typical tragic heroine would probably cry, “Please don’t fight over me!” Too bad I’m no damsel in distress—I don’t remember ever promising myself to the winner. They’re welcome to go at it all they want.
“Try not to put him in the hospital, though,” I say, voicing my one concern. “I can heal him with my left hand, but I’d rather not.”
“You can set your fears at ease on that front.”
I wouldn’t expect anything less of Grantz Kingdom’s number-one swordsman. He’s full of confidence.
And so, the sudden duel commences. They charge at each other with wooden swords, but it’s over in an instant, ending with Lex’s overwhelming victory. Without even swinging his sword, Keith is knocked to the ground a second after they start.
“Why?! Why has God bestowed this trial upon me?!” Keith pounds his annoyance out on the ground. What in the world is he fighting? “I’ll never give up! I will absolutely get you—”
“Boss Lady! Boss Man!” Rosso’s shout cuts through the noise as he pushes his way through the crowd to us.
“Rosso? What’s wrong?”
“Nothin’! I came because I heard you’re doing some sorta handshake thingy. Oh, here are some refreshments!” Oblivious to the tense mood, Rosso hands me the paper bag he was holding with both hands. A savory scent spills from the bag.
Could this be what I think it is? Full of hope, I check what’s inside. “I knew it!” I exclaim. “It’s bread!”
“You remember the wheat rations the knights distributed the other day? My kid sister baked bread with it.”
“Can I eat it?”
“Go right ahead. Though she said it doesn’t have much taste because she hurried with grinding the wheat into flour.”
I pull out what looks like a bread roll and take a bite. I was prepared for the lack of sweetness because of the difficulty involved in obtaining sugar and butter, but frankly, the hard, stiff texture makes it not taste very good. Still, since it’s a gift, I force a smile.
“You don’t hafta pretend,” Rosso informs me with an understanding grin. “My kid sister was prepared for it to taste bad this time.”
“…Sorry.”
“She’s gonna keep attempting it until she gets it right, so please try it again when she does.”
“I’d absolutely love to!” I enthusiastically exclaim, then suddenly remember the situation. We are still the center of attention. Rosso finally notices the unusual state of things.
“Somethin’ go down ’round here?”
“Yeah, a couple of things.”
It’d take too long to— Actually, it wouldn’t take that long to explain. A nobleman is persistently trying to court me—that about sums it up. I just don’t feel comfortable explaining it like that in front of the guy.
Meanwhile, said guy is trembling as he shakes his head. “Boss Lady… Boss Man… Could it be? Are they already a thing…? It can’t be true…” Keith’s face twists. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” He finally runs off, wailing. The crowd moves away from him so fast, it’s obvious they don’t want to be involved in his affairs.
“He left.”
“What’s that guy’s problem?” Rosso watches Keith fleeing like he’s observing a bizarre spectacle.
Lex stands beside me. “Mayhap he misconstrued me and Lady Mizuha as husband and wife?”
“He probably did.”
Considering he challenged Lex to a duel, the chances of that are high.
“Pardon the foolish question, Lady Mizuha, but is it all right for you to not go and set the story straight?”
“Hmm… I’d rather leave it this way since he’s less likely to stalk me.”
“I see. Is that how it works?” Lex sounds convinced. His face doesn’t show even a hint of a reaction. Does he think nothing of others believing we’re married? Or does he accept it simply as a part of his job? Whatever the reason, I wish he would be a little shaken up by it.
“Oh? Is something the matter, Lady Mizuha?”
“Nope. Nothing.” I avert my eyes from him before furtively stealing a side-glance.
Well, I’d take Lex any day over that spoiled nobleman.