Monday - Night

Monday
Night

 

YANO-SAN HAD BROUGHT IT with her during the day because that was the only time she could give it to her.

She had probably brought it all the way to class instead of giving it to her during arrival because she had happened to stop by the nurse’s office while Noto-sensei was busy tending to the injured first-year.

Though I had known that it was this week, I had no idea that Noto-sensei’s birthday was today.

However, knowing this did nothing to ease my feelings of guilt.

And so, that night, I decided to go and apologize.

I couldn’t apologize to her during the day, but I could at least do it at night. I, the monster, could accomplish at least that much.

It was the first time I’d be seeing Yano-san at night in a while. Realizing that it was also the first time that I had ever come for the express purpose of resolving something between us, I began to grow a bit nervous.

It was possible that she might not even come tonight. It was raining, after all. She might be depressed over what I had done to her.

If she was here, it was possible that she might be opposed to my apology. She might say that if it was something worth apologizing for, then I shouldn’t had done it in the first place. Even though I had acted correctly as a member of our class, I could not expect Yano-san to accept that.

I was uneasy, but I could deal with any complaints. However, I had no idea what I would do if her reaction was any more violent than that.

I thought of Yano-san’s face.

After a slightly more delayed transformation than usual, I flew to the school. With the power of my imagination, I sprouted wings like a giant bat and soared through the sky. I bet that if Yano-san saw those wings, she would be delighted, I thought to myself, hoping to absolve my own sin.

As always, when I arrived at school, I alighted upon the roof, remembering the first time that I had come there. This time, however, I didn’t feel that same rush that I did then. The only similarity between this time and that one was my own nervousness.

The school, as always, was quiet. Though the building was all shut up for the night, not a single door or window open, it felt far more accessible than it ever did during the day, full of the chatter of students, the warmth of bodies.

It was because I was a monster and because there was no one here right now. When I was a human, I felt closed in. Not by walls or ceilings but by people’s sense of justice, their ill intent, and their shared sense of unity.

There was no doubting that Yano-san felt even more trapped, more stifled, than I did.

Of course she would. This empty, open school at night was probably the only place where she could breathe freely.

Suddenly, I felt like for the first time, I truly understood what she meant by “midnight break.”

I soon arrived at the front of the classroom, opening the door before I gathered my full resolve. The more prepared I was, the less likely that I would have been able to show my face.

Yano-san was inside the classroom, sitting at her seat, as always. She looked my way and opened her mouth stupidly.

“Whoa, long…time no…see.”

There had only been two nights where I hadn’t shown up. Four, if you include the weekend, but perhaps Yano-san felt the passage of time a bit differently than I did.

The daytime probably felt very long for her.

“Yeah, been a while.”

I moved to the back of the classroom and morphed myself into a comfortable size. As I wondered how to break the ice, Yano-san put her phone into her pocket and turned back towards me.

“So,” she said, and I grew uneasy, worried that I was about to be attacked for what I had done during the day. “Have you been any…where fun lately?”

I was wrong.

It was a question, abrupt as always. I nodded, assuming that she was referring to the nighttime.

“I’ve been a lot of places.”

“Really?”

“Nowhere super fun, though. I tried going a bunch of places to sightsee, but there was no one around, and shrines and stuff are super creepy to go to at night.”

“It’s weird… that you get scared…even when you look like…that.”

As always, her choice of words was just a little bit off, I thought. It was the kind of phrasing that invited conflicts and misunderstandings. Still, I was not going to bother saying anything about that today.

“Acchi…kun, do you prefer…Europe or A…sia?”

“What’s with those two choices? I’ve never been outside Japan.”

“I see. I…was actually wondering, what would happen if…you went overseas at…night, and it turned to morning because of the…time difference.”

“…I wonder about that, too.”

I hadn’t thought of it before, but her innocent question bothered me.

“It’d probably be bad if you turned…back into your daytime form over…the ocean.”

“…That’d be dangerous.”

Just this morning at dawn, I had been thinking that I might go overseas. Perhaps it would be best to put those thoughts to rest.

“I wonder if you could ma…nipulate time with your powers of i…magination, Acchi-kun.”

“No way. I’m pretty sure I can’t control anything outside of myself.”

Even with this impossible form of mine, some things were still out of the question.

“I…see.”

Her disappointment was easy to read, almost conspicuously so. She looked up at the ceiling and sputtered out a sigh.

“I thought you…could make it nighttime for…ever.”

I concealed the chattering of my body.

If only it could be night forever.

That was probably an earnest desire for Yano-san.

Still, that was impossible. No matter what, morning would come, even if for Yano-san the rising of the sun must have felt like standing before the gates of Hell. There was no such thing as an endless night. It pained me that there was no way that I could possibly grant her wish.

“Well, have you tried?” I thought she might ask.

Unfortunately for her, if I really could make the night draw on longer, it would have already happened.

It would have happened even before the first time I encountered her at night. Because I, too, had always thought how nice it would be if the night went on forever. And yet the sun always rose. I returned to my human form, changed my clothes, ate breakfast, and headed to school.

Even I, who did not hate school from the bottom of my heart, had had such thoughts. I understood Yano-san’s words, and the fact that they were more than just passing suggestion, so much that it hurt.

How nice it would be, if my powers lent me such ability. Maybe, if I thought harder, harder than I ever had before, I might be able to grant her that eternal night.

“So, what…should we do…to…night?”

Apparently she hadn’t noticed how my droplets quivered.

“I mean, I dunno.”

Naturally, I hadn’t been thinking about such things. I had come here to apologize, after all. But I was still a bit relieved to hear Yano-san’s question, to hear her tossing out suggestions as usual, not appearing particularly upset about what happened earlier that day. Maybe she did understand that what I had done was only the logical next step of the things that our classmates had done.

Even so, I still couldn’t think of a way to broach that conversation.

“The baseball club’s window isn’t even broken anymore,” I said.

“They probably couldn’t keep up with it any…more.”

“Keep up with what?”

“Let’s…go to the…gym.”

Yano-san completely ignoring my question raised my hopes. The same as always. She was the same as always.

It might be nice to go to the gym. It was a more open space, and in a less serious atmosphere. It might be easier for me to apologize, and there would be plenty of things there to pass the time.

I decided to go along with her suggestion.

“Acchi…kun, you don’t really have any…opinions, do you?”

“I mean, there’s just nowhere that I really want to go in the school at night.”

“Oh, I…see.”

Her observation might have actually contained a deeper dig at my own character, I thought momentarily, but I felt sure that I was overthinking it.

I had Yano-san exit the room first and then locked the door. “That’s so han…dy,” said Yano-san as she watched me dispatch a clone to run ahead, though she had already seen me do that plenty of times before.

We descended the stairs and headed for the gym. Yano-san’s footsteps were as noisy as ever, but I didn’t scold her for it. We passed by the changing rooms and by the place where I had kicked her. Beyond the passageway, the door to the gymnasium was firmly shut.

Yano-san waited by the door while I slipped inside.

I returned from my liquid-like state back into my full monster form. The interior of the gym was like being sealed away in an airtight prison. Amidst the piercing silence, it was as though I could hear the echoes of all of the sounds generated by the classes and club practices during the day, shut up in here with me.

Suddenly growing fearfully aware of the fact that I was literally shut inside, I quickly opened the door with my tail. Without so much as a word of thanks, Yano-san, who was still waiting patiently, shed her shoes and stepped into the gym. She took in a deep breath, an almost calculated motion.

“It feels like…there’s a lot of sounds in…here.”

Seriously? That’s what she picked up on by doing that? Not the smell? Then again, I couldn’t say anything, since I had thought the exact same thing.

As I closed the door again with my tail, she let out a big noise. “Whoooa. It’s su…per dark in…here.”

“Yeah.”

The emergency lights were on, of course, but in a space as large as the gym, that amount of light wasn’t enough for the human eye to rely on.

“Hang on a minute,” I said.

I leapt up to the upper floor, leaving Yano-san standing there as I opened up all of the curtains on the high windows with my tail and turned on one row of lights. That should have been enough for Yano-san, the human, to see as well as I could. I prayed that it would not be so much that anyone outside would notice.

By the time I returned, Yano-san had run over to the wall and begun walking along the perimeter of the gym. I changed myself to my comfortable resting size.

Unlike me, the tiny Yano-san had a tiny stride as well, so walking the full length took her some time, after which she returned to me. As she returned, she pointed up at the ceiling.

“Hey… Acchi-kun, go get…that.”

I looked up, but at first did not understand what she was indicating. All that I saw when I looked where she was pointing was the ceiling.

“The…ball.”

I finally noticed it once she pointed it out. My perception wasn’t all that great.

After pondering for a moment what to do, I moved away from Yano-san and unfurled my wings. Just as I had imagined, I heard Yano-san’s awed voice behind me as I rose into the air. I could have simply jumped up there, but it was worth bothering to do it this way.

I nudged the basketball that was trapped in the scaffolding until it fell, catching it midway, to keep it from hitting her in the face. I circled the gym as I landed.

I gently chucked the ball in the direction of the arrhythmic applause I received, and it plunked perfectly into the space between Yano-san’s hands, mid-clap.

She bounced the ball once against the ground, again not extending any thanks. The ball sprang up in the wrong direction, as though she had not even thought to adjust her power or angle, and then rolled towards me. I grabbed it with my tail and tossed it back. The ball missed her, soaring past, and Yano-san trotted off after it.

For a brief while, she clumsily practiced dribbling, throwing some free throws that fell well short of the basket. Eventually, growing either tired or frustrated, she walked my way and flung the ball at me. What was with that, all of a sudden?

This time, when I caught the ball with my tail and threw it back, she caught it properly and then threw it again my way. Apparently, she had decided we were going to kill time playing catch now. I could go for at least that much.

As the ball went back and forth, back and forth, sailing behind Yano-san countless times, the sound of rain upon the roof grew stronger and stronger. We might have been shut up inside of here, but at least we were protected.

“It’s lucky for this little one that you were…here, Acchi…kun,” she said, abruptly as ever.

Little one?

“You mean the ball?”

“Yeah. Now we…get to see it living pro…perly, as a ball.”

“It’s not alive, though.”

“It might…be alive, just very quiet.”

“That’s creepy. We’re throwing it around.”

Conversation and a game of catch. I realized then that, somehow, somewhere during all this, I had started having fun.

“Isn’t there some…thing like that in…the world of Harry…Potter?”

“Well, the pictures and broomsticks talk and move around and stuff, so kind of.”

“I see, so…then don’t be…so stupid.”

“What?”

“Though I guess…we should still be care…ful.”

“What are you talking about?”

“So, Acchi…kun.”

As always, she wasn’t listening to a word I said. With how poor her control of her whole body was, as she took form to throw the ball again, the intonation of her voice was even stranger than usual.

“Mm?”

“Your night…form or your day form… Which is…the real one?”

Perhaps it was because she had thrown the ball with more vigor than before, but it went sailing over my head. The echo of its heavy impact against the wall behind me made my black droplets shiver.

“Huh?”

“Go get the…ball,” she said casually, pointing right at me. I obeyed, turning around and picking up the ball behind me with my tail.

“Throw…it.”

I threw the ball in an arc. Yano-san deftly caught it.

“Are you a human? Or are you…what you are…now?”

“No, I, uh…”

“I’ve been wonder…ing which it…is.”

This time she flung only words at me, the ball still in her hands.

“Which one…is the real one?”

What exactly was she referring to?

“You know… I…”

Though I hadn’t asked her, as per usual, she began speaking about herself.

“I’m not…either one. Day, night, there’s…no difference to me. I don’t change…at all. Everything around me changes. The time and…the people and things and at…mosphere around me change, but I am…the same, day or night. The dif…ferences mean nothing to…me.”

I was lost for words.

“But you, Acchi…kun. You change…completely…between day and night.”

What was she talking about?

“So I wonder which…one it is.”

She kept pointing straight at me, as though interrogating me.

“I’ve been thinking about this while you weren’t…around,” she playfully jabbed.

My black droplets began to quiver, quietly, under the aim of her pointing finger. She was staring straight at me, not averting her eyes.

“I want to…know.”

I drew in a single breath.

I doubted that Yano-san was all that strong or all that wise. She probably had simply developed some sort of curiosity. My human form and my monster form—which one was the real one? She had asked me something like this before, about whether I had been born in my monster form. So it made more sense to assume that this was merely an innocent question.

Regardless, to me it seemed as though her teasing was merely a means to hide her true feelings. Hiding the truth behind a different expression, just as Nakagawa-san had when Kasai criticized her.

Maybe it was merely my feelings of guilt at work, but it felt as though I was being reproached. It seemed like she was concealing her anger towards me—for what I had done while a human, naturally.

She hid this to protect herself. To protect the time that she had now, as Iguchi-san and Nakagawa-san had. If she were to grow angry, then the night would be ruined. If she were to grow angry, then the connection that the two of us shared might be severed. It was for this reason, I believed, that she suppressed her feelings and tried to reach an emotional compromise, by eliciting a response from me that she could accept.

I have no idea if my reasoning was correct. I had no idea how to answer her question in a way that she would find acceptable.

Not knowing this, I sidestepped it.

“I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t answer her question. Instead, I spat out the answer she was truly seeking, flying directly past her inquiry. It was a bit of an evasion, but honestly, it got to the point of what we both had originally been circling around. I felt this was far more meaningful than offering a reply that suited the question that Yano-san had asked, the one which concealed her true feelings. Thus, the deep question that she had asked me was quite convenient for my purposes, if I could speak the truth here now.

“For…what?” she asked, tilting her head theatrically as she rolled the ball between her fingertips.

Of course, she wanted a more concrete apology, I thought.

Normally, that kind of manipulation would have gotten my monstrous hackles up, but for today, at least, she was right to feel as she did. It was natural that she would be angry with me after what I had done.

However, apologizing felt less natural. It was not something that I could do during the day. And so, I stood up straight, bowing down my large, monstrous head towards her.

“I’m sorry.”

“O…kay?”

She was acting even more bewildered. Her eyes were big and round, like a child’s. Goggling at me as she was, she looked almost stupid.

“Um…”

I began to speak and then closed my mouth. Where had my courage gone?

Hardly ever in my life had I done something with ill intent. Even fewer times had I needed to apologize to someone for doing so. Most rarely of all had I been the sole perpetrator of the act.

All the more reason then, that I should apologize.

It was bad, after all.

Bad.

Bad?

Which was bad?

“About today…” I said and then trailed off.

Which was worse?

The thing that I had done today? Or what I did day in and day out?

The explicit bullying? Or the implicit?

Motoda and Nakagawa-san, or me?

Yano-san or the rest of us?

“I’m sorry for stepping on your present for Noto-sensei.”

So many other words, other questions ran through my head, but I offered her the words I had already prepared as they were, not second-guessing them. If I let myself overthink it, I would never say anything at all.

So, it was good that I was able to say it. Still, between my nerves and everything else, I had to avert my eyes. Realizing, however, that this made my apology seem like a lie, I looked her properly in the face.

I saw it.

I took in the transformation of her face as she accepted my apology, clearly, with my own eight eyes.

Her lips twitched.

Yano-san…

“Don’t a…pologize for things that…happen during the…day.”

…did not grin at me.

Her lips still pursed, the reply she gave me was one that I had heard before.

Honestly, I had suspected that she might say such a thing, a prediction which turned out correct. So, that was all right. The words, anyway.

What I had feared most was not her words, but her expression. I didn’t know what I would do if I saw that face; that face that only I understood the meaning of, that face that she showed towards those terrible people.

In the end, however, she had not made that face.

So, that should have been just fine too, and yet…

“You aren’t…going to smile?” For some reason, these needless words came spilling from my jagged mouth.

“Hm…hmm?”

“Even after what I did?”

There was no reason for me to ask her such a question, no reason for me to put my own head on the chopping block in that way, but even a monster like me could not take back words I had already spoken.

Yano-san’s eyes opened wide. She clapped her hands theatrically, saying, “Oh.”

And then, she smiled. It was a peculiar smile.

But…not a smug one. It was a real, natural smile.

“Acchi-kun, I’m not…afraid of you.”

“Why not?”

There went my mouth, all on its own.

“Why not? Even after what I did to you?” I asked.

My voice reverberated curiously throughout the cavernous gym. The trapped sounds and smells from the daytime all seemed to vanish.

“Why?”

Yano-san tilted her head, curiously.

Even I had no idea why I had asked this question.

“Be…cause…” she said, “You look at…me, Acchi-kun.”

I had asked this without a hint of sincerity. And yet, she had answered me straight-on.

However, I did not understand the meaning of this reply. I truly did not understand.

“Did you act…ually want me…”

Her words that followed rumbled through me like thunder.

“…to be afraid of you, Acchi…kun?”

…Ah.

“That’s…weird.”

She bounced the ball once. This time, it returned properly to her fingertips. The sound of the ball striking the floor seemed to tear through the very membrane of my heart.

Then I realized.

All of the true feelings that had been trapped inside that membrane came pouring into my brain at once, and my body went numb with realization.

Oh. Oh. I see.

I could not answer her question.

It was not as though all the words had vanished from my head; it was that the true answer to her question was something that I could never allow anyone to see. As I listened to her, I finally realized that all this time I had been mistaking the name of the thing that I had kept concealed inside my heart.

I could not believe this revelation, but I no longer had the means to dismiss it.

In the place within my heart that I thought held guilt, I ached, as though pierced by a needle.

It was Yano-san’s words that had pierced me.

Right on the mark.

“Acchi…kun, you’re the weird one.”

“…”

“Just returning a…little something you…said to me on the rooftop, hee hee.”

I wanted her to be afraid of me. Just as she had said.

The reason for this was simple. If she were afraid, then I wouldn’t have to worry about her anymore. I wanted her to fear me, to hate me, to think that I was an awful person. It would be so much easier if she could just cast me aside, wouldn’t it? For her to rebuke me, to deny me, even after I had wholeheartedly apologized. That would be so much simpler. I’m sure I had believed that.

I couldn’t say that I didn’t still feel that way.

I was afraid that she would continue seeking my aid. I had so carelessly, readily, come here to apologize, had I not?

Surely, there was some part of me that was still convinced that what I had done today was right.

The name of that tarnished spot I had found within my soul… I don’t believe that its name was truly “guilt.”

“Oh…or…”

Surely not knowing the darkness of my heart, she pointed at me, her neck crooked strangely. “Are you…afraid of your…self, Acchi-kun?”

“…Huh?”

“It’s o…kay, don’t be a…fraid,” she said, in a Nausicaa-like quote, grinning not smugly but flippantly. When I didn’t reply, however, she tilted her head the other way and asked again, “Am I wrong?”

I said nothing.

“Well…then, could it…be…”

She pointed now not at me, but at herself.

“You’re a…fraid of… me?”

Out of the whole rapid-fire volley of her questions, that was the only one I could nod in reply to.

With my simple nod, a sour look came naturally over her face. She recoiled, a perfectly normal reaction.

“But…why? I haven’t done anything bad to…you.”

No, she hadn’t. She was awkward, and strange, and slow on the uptake, but she had done nothing cruel to me. What I feared about her was not as pure and simple a reason as that.

“…Because I don’t understand,” I said.

“Under…stand what?”

I believe I was trying to feign innocence here, craftily showing her only what could readily be seen on my sleeve, not wanting her to see the true darkness inside of me.

Still, I told her the truth, the truth I always carried.

“Because you’re so different from me that I don’t understand what you’re thinking.”

So there’s no point in even worrying about this, I wanted to say.

“Huh? But isn’t it…normal to be…different?”

She didn’t sound as though she was belittling me.

“To not know…what someone else is…thin…king?”

Yano-san furrowed her brow, as though she did not understand what I was saying or thinking at all. That was the face—the face I was afraid of. The face where she didn’t try at all to conceal her lack of comprehension.

“In that case, then…who do you stand with, Acchi…kun?”

Who? Various faces passed through my mind. She held her hand out in front of her face and bent her thumb.

“The in…secure, useless…girl who doesn’t ac…tually look down on anyone but still pretends she…enjoys bullying?”

Who was she talking about?

Then she bent her forefinger.

“The smart…boy who’s always play…ing around, who al…ways knows how to…act, what the people around him will…do?”

Who was she talking about?

Then she bent her middle finger.

“Our stupid classmates who feel res…ponsible for taking revenge on be…half of someone who got into a fight and had something…ter…rible done to them by a former friend and…can’t bother making up with them, only ever nodding at every…one?”

Just who the hell was she talking about?

Finally, she bent her ring and pinky finger down together and squeezed them all tight, pointing that fist at me.

“Me, you…and all of them, we’re…all different. It’s normal to be…different. So there’s…no reason why you should understand what I’m…thinking.”

“…”

“And even…so, you’re afraid of…me?”

This time, I could not nod. What she said was completely off the mark of what I had tried to convey. At the same time, part of me thought that maybe what she said was true.

As I puzzled over this, her expression changed.

Her eyebrows lowered, and the corners of her mouth rose, just a little. It was not her usual broad, smug grin, but it was still a false, constructed smile. An expression that concealed her true feelings, to an unnatural degree.

“That’s so…sad,” she said.

That moment, a shrill chiming rang from Yano-san’s pocket.

When we parted at the gates, the words, “See you tomorrow,” passed from neither of our lips.

 

***

 

As soon as I was alone, I began to run, recklessly. There was no need to, but I could not sit still, and so I ran. Before I knew it, I ended up high in the murky mountains. I slipped through the trees, passing by wild animals, and came out on the bank of a river. The rain poured down on my body, all the thoughts gone from my head.

In this form, I never grew cold. I was not cold, but I felt myself shivering, deep down inside. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, but the trembling would not go away.

Sad. Sad. That’s so…sad.

I couldn’t get her smiling face out of my head.

I had accomplished what I set out to do that night. I had apologized. And I believed that she forgave me. That should have been a good thing.

And yet, I was shivering.

Yano-san had said it was sad that I was afraid of her.

The bullying, the fact that things had become so bad for her, that I had stepped on her precious birthday present, those things were not sad.

She said that it was sad that I was afraid.

I wasn’t so stupid as to have no idea what she meant, once I thought about it. If someone was afraid of me, wouldn’t I be sad? If someone wanted me to stay away from them, wouldn’t I be sad? It wasn’t so hard to imagine.

Especially if it was someone that I believed in.

Someone who, even if it wasn’t the whole of them, there was at least some part I could believe in.

I’m sure that Yano-san probably believed in me.

No, not in my normal self. She believed in the me who would come all the way to the school at night to apologize, even after having done such a terrible thing.

So she had asked which was the real me—my day self, or my nighttime self. Surely, she hoped that my night self was my true self, which meant that the one who apologized to her was the real one, and the one who had done that awful deed was a fake.

But that wasn’t the truth.

I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt.

As I walked along the riverside, I saw two creatures before me: one great, one small. Thinking that I might be witnessing a hunt, I let out a roar, and both animals fled in separate directions.

And then I thought of Yano-san, who had stood her ground both before a larger classmate and before a monster.

Just what exactly had I hoped to accomplish in apologizing? Did I intend to apologize and then do the same thing tomorrow if something else of hers landed in front of my feet again? Did I hope to say sorry, even though I would ignore her again tomorrow?

I was trying to create some point of compromise, all on my own.

I had hoped to apologize for my sake alone, so that I could pretend to be a kind person. So that I could pretend to be a model student.

“…I’m sorry.”

I don’t know who I was apologizing to, all alone there in that darkness. All I knew was that I was a far more hideous creature than the people who bullied Yano-san outright. The beast that hunted those weaker than itself in order to extend its own life was the most honest. The people who attacked those that they did not like, who made their stances clear, were the most transparent.

I abruptly looked down at my six feet as they crept along the ground. The black droplets skittered around the dirt, like countless tiny insects bringing their bodies together to form a living being. The longer I looked at it, the more repulsive it was.

Which was it?

Yano-san had surely been waiting for me. For me to come and see her during midnight break. For me, who, even if only at night, was like a friend to her. For me, who saw something in her.

For me, the monster.

She had waited for me, in this terrifying form of mine.

She had been deceived. I was a horrible creature.

I climbed the mountain, my eight eyes reflecting the pure darkness, my four tails swaying behind me. My field of vision, wider than that of any other living thing, was already so immersed in my own thoughts that I could not see the animals that cut across my path, nor the great trees rooted in the rock, nor the little flowers blooming quietly on the mountaintop.

Which was it?

Was it my form at night—a form of gathered black drops, sprouting six legs and eight goggling eyes? Was it my form during the day, my human form, which took part in bullying just to fit in? Or was it the tainted thing that nested inside of me, that always had, which had grown so large now as to consume the me that Yano-san had believed in?

Which one was it?

What truly was a monster?