CHAPTER II - The Recording

ILLUSTRATION I — The Spoon

You look down at your reflection.

It looks back.

But why does it seem to know something you don't? 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIKU19eCZ8Y

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You have an explanation by lunchtime. You are not sleeping.

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People who do not sleep forget things. They see things. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1DDbyU0BlO

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It is a good explanation. You want to believe it. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNDhVGpDn6E

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You try not to think about the way the person in the mirror looked at you. Its hands on the sink. Its eyes on your back. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5bT47xbjy

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It looked frightened. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvS2akgs9MF

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That is the part you cannot explain. What would your reflection be frightened of?

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You notice other things now. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDajAMQCdld

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You cannot remember the journey to work. You never can.

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When you try, all you find are glimpses: your face in the dark window of the train, in a shop's glass door, in the polished wall of the lift.

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Your desk is easy to picture, but only the black window beside it, where your face floats over the city lights. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ89fzhdMBvo

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You cannot picture the colleague who sits next to you. Only the back of a head reflected in a screen. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvS5cIOmy6

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At lunch, you look down at your spoon and see a small, curved face looking up at you. It is the clearest thing you remember all day. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqEWZiemyEk

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You tell yourself this is what tiredness does. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WAXhMYtOC

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Your sister calls at lunchtime. You watch her name until the call ends.

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Her message comes a minute later. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZU1U5KSZT

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No interrogation. Promise. Just tell me you're all right. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccGZV19rR6

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You remember her waiting outside the school gates when you were little, pretending she had only stopped to tie her shoe.

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You can picture her bent over the laces. You cannot remember walking home beside her. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0exrxNsc3

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You type, I'm all right. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWY4irXpNG

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You wait to feel better.

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That night, you decide to test it properly. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGWVjRU8bZU

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If your reflection is moving on its own, a camera will catch it. Cameras do not get tired. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJxDBBzd87

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You prop your phone on the towel rail behind you, high up, so it can see the back of your head and the whole mirror in front of you.

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You press record. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFklNfoMO44

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Then you stand at the sink and do something no reflection could guess. You do not plan it. You decide each move at the last second. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5eF8LcxZ9

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You raise your right hand. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5y1ZFafYu

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You touch your nose. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZrz9OHqh4

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You tilt your head, and smile, and drop your hand. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJB0M4LYpJ

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Your reflection does all of it with you. Perfectly. Not one moment late.

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You stop the recording. Relief makes your knees weak.

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You sit on the edge of the bathtub and watch it, ready to laugh at yourself. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSGMtmKypV

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On the screen, you can see the back of your own head. Your shoulders. Your arms at your sides. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIhASiZwXZU

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The figure in the mirror raises a hand. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqyOqagdhuZ

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On the screen, the back of your head does not move. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡECKwFFVLw0

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Your arms stay at your sides. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlS76NnCxE5

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In the mirror, your reflection touches its nose. Tilts its head. Smiles.

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The person standing in front of the mirror does not copy a single movement. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Q8fyWvJkp

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While the reflection raises its hand, touches its nose, and smiles, the person remains still.

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Its hands hang at its sides. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9huF2fBZE

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You remember raising your hand.

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You remember the smile.

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You felt your own face do it. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEdOCKzpzB

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You play the video again. And again. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9T4IGa719u

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You pause the video. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8NqzCMDkDf

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In the mirror, behind the figure, you can see the towel rail.

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You look over your shoulder.

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The rail is there. You remember balancing the phone against the folded towel.

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In the recording, you can even see the towel reflected in the glass.

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But not the phone.

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You enlarge the image until the tiles dissolve into squares.

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There is nothing where the camera should be. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOQ0S6uXnf

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You play it once more, watching the end this time—the part after the smile. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5hl4YXzKP

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The person in front of the mirror leans towards the glass, very slowly, until its face is close to the face of the reflection.

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It is looking into the reflection's eyes. You cannot see its expression from behind. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNSKUVgZT8j

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But you can see its hands. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vyZLa73aZ

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They are shaking. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdEAtwYaf0v

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You put the phone down. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTeDlF8PqD

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You think: I am losing control of my own body. I moved, and I did not know I was not moving. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPd9jEE8vNa

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Or: I did not move, and I thought I did. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSFdfjZVJqF

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You are not sure which is worse. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcaudofeey

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You make a decision. If you cannot trust the mirror, you will not look into it at all. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwpgHcWiyJX

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You find a bedsheet in the cupboard, and you lift it towards the mirror. 34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6WzETOGbe0

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