Chapter 5: Her True Feelings

After escaping from the prince’s office, I avoided everyone’s notice and took an external corridor to reach the snow-covered ground outside. Since preparations for the Holy Night’s Banquet were underway in the inner gardens, several places had been cleared of snow as fir trees were hauled in. They must have had some design in mind, but regardless, I sought solace in the deep, deserted snow.

I had most likely wanted to run away for a while now, and those feelings had only grown stronger. Thinking back, I’d unconsciously done the same thing on the night of the evening party. Those feelings had manifested into words just moments prior when I spoke to the prince.

I had done my utmost until this point simply wanting to be at his side, but in reality I had weighed him down like useless baggage. I had grown flustered when presented with the issue of a possible harem. But I couldn’t solve any of that by myself. Gradually, I began to lose confidence in staying with His Highness. I couldn’t just throw my duties to the wayside, however, so I found myself drowning in my own emotions.

Until finally, I just snapped and ran.

What a pitiful Bibliophile Princess.

“...Ngh.”

It was as Queen Henrietta had said. I wasn’t prepared to stand beside the crown prince. Ever since I realized the prince and Lady Mireille had a connection, the budding doubt I pretended not to notice had just grown bigger until it was beyond my ability to manage. The seed had been planted when I heard talk of Lady Mireille possibly being accepted as a concubine.

My emotions seemed to barrel out of control when I couldn’t handle them. Gone was the confidence I had cultivated from my shared feelings with the prince. While I might not believe that the prince was the kind of person who would ignore me in favor of building a harem, I found myself second-guessing when it came to Lady Mireille. My apprehension began to grow uncontrollably until I was filled with a detestable cluster of emotions.

It was the first time I had ever felt this before. A selfish rage—the complete opposite of love and yet just as powerful—consumed me. The emotion was pitch black, hanging over me like a thick cloud so I could focus on nothing else.

To be honest...I was terrified of His Highness discovering how I felt. Maybe that was why I ran. I worried what he would think if he discovered this hideous side of me.

Just as my emotions began to well up, I felt a sudden tug on my hair. My feet froze as pain lanced through my head. When I glanced back, I realized there was a line of holly trees and my hair had caught on their branches.

I couldn’t help resenting my hair for being so uncooperative. I knew it was my own paranoia, but it almost felt like even the tree was trying to contribute to my misery by clawing at me. Frustrated, I tried yanking myself free.

Ugh...!

I was nearly ready to scream out, “I’m so sick of all of this!” but the words hung in my throat.

I didn’t want to relinquish the prince to someone else. I didn’t want him to have an intimate connection with other women. I didn’t want him to smile like that for anyone else. I didn’t want him to use his sweet voice to call another woman’s name. If he was going to touch other girls the way he had touched me, then I—

Right as my vision began to blur and emotion overcame me...

“Lady Elianna?”

I stiffened upon hearing that voice, and when I turned to look back, I found Lady Elen regarding me suspiciously. She must have been worried and followed after me.

“I saw you run out here in the snow, so I... Oh.”

Lady Elen seemed to draw her own conclusions about the situation. “Don’t move,” she said as she drew close, reaching her hands out toward me. The lady knight was taller than me, so her arms were long as they encircled me. An unfamiliar scent drifted into my nose. Her fingers were gentle, working to untangle the strands of my hair from the tree branch. She gave the tufts a soft stroke as she checked them for any damage before peering down at me. A kind smile suddenly appeared on her face.

“An ornery branch, isn’t it? Rotten thing, trying to hurt beautiful hair like yours.” As if to console me, she pressed her lips to my hair. My heart drummed as I remembered when the prince did the same thing to me before.

There was something comforting in Lady Elen’s eyes as she peered into mine. It felt as if she’d seen right through me and knew I was on the brink of tears. Feeling pitiful, I averted my gaze.

A chilly voice interrupted us. “Elianna.”

I flinched. My whole body trembled as I lifted my gaze.

Prince Christopher had his usual composed smile on his face as he hovered at the mouth of the short path leading over to us. It seemed he had followed after me as well, though his appearance gave no indication of it. He wasn’t out of breath, nor did a single golden hair seem out of place. The only thing that was different was his eyes. The normally cloudless blue color now looked more like the frigid winter skies.

He’s angry.

I understood it was only natural for him to be, and yet being on the receiving end of his anger made my heart sink. Without even thinking, I pulled a step back. Lady Elen quickly shot out an arm to protect me from being swallowed up in the tree branches again.

His Highness’s eyebrow quirked as he watched. He reached his hand forward, and the atmosphere around him made it clear he wasn’t going to take “no” for an answer. “Eli, let’s talk this out properly. Come here.”

“...”

Normally I would be happy to take his hand, but now I trembled just looking at him. This was a conversation he wouldn’t want other people to hear, so I would likely be taken back to his office.

The office...? That office...? It suddenly felt harder to breathe.

When I’d seen that letter from Lady Mireille addressed to him in his office the other day, I caught myself, for the first time ever, wanting to peek at someone else’s private correspondence. The feeling had come as a shock. I’d managed to peel myself away, but there was nothing more terrifying to me now than the thought of returning to the place where I’d experienced such a powerful emotion.

I instinctively shrank back another step. Lady Elen still had her arm held out protectively to shield me from the branches, so I naturally sank into her side.

The prince’s brows rose to his hairline. “Eli,” he said in a low voice, inching forward.

Lady Elen stepped out in front of me to block him. “Prince Christopher, perhaps you should cool your head a bit.”

“This has nothing to do with you,” he snapped. “Stand back.”

“You’re right, it has nothing to do with me. But I can’t stand by while a woman cowers. This is your fiancée that you’re cornering. What do you hope to accomplish by scaring her?”

He sounded annoyed as he exhaled. His voice was still low when he spoke, filled with barely suppressed emotions. “This is a problem between Eli and me. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t butt in. Now come, Eli.”

Though I was inwardly panicking, I remained frozen in place, still as a statue.

Lady Elen sighed before warning him, “Prince Christopher, if you talk to each other when you’re still feeling emotional about things, no good will come of it. Lady Elianna seems to be very confused right now. Why don’t you both give yourselves a little bit of time to calm down first?”

I could instantly tell he was irritated, so I darted out from behind Lady Elen and bowed my head to the prince directly. “I’m so sorry, Your Highness. Could I...have a little bit of time? I’d like to return home, just for today.”

I couldn’t help hating myself for trying to run away after he’d gone out of his way to chase after me. Still, everything Lady Elen said was correct. Even if I did face him right now, I wasn’t confident I could convey my true feelings.

It was a sunny day out here in the garden, and yet the atmosphere in our little corner had grown icy cold. I kept my head bowed, unable to look up at the prince.

After a short pause, he let out a sigh and quietly mumbled, “All right. Fine.”

A moment later, I heard the sound of him spinning around on his heel, and I lifted my face. The sight of his receding figure burned itself into my eyes—no amount of blinking would erase the image.

~.~.~.~

Lady Elen accompanied me back to the servant antechamber where Jean was waiting for me. Soon after, Jean and I were in a carriage, bumping along down the road as we made our way back to the Bernstein estate.

Jean had already been chosen to continue serving me, and he would continue doing so even after I officially became the crown princess. As a result, he was now living in the palace as well. When I’d met him in the antechamber and informed him of my intent to return home, he’d looked absolutely horrified.

“Never pegged you as one of those dangerous beauties capable of bringing a kingdom to its knees, but looks can be deceiving, huh...” he mumbled to himself. I had no idea what he was referring to, but the next moment he had his hands clasped in prayer saying, “Please let me be wrong about this.”

Our house servants were surprised to see me abruptly return, but they were quick to console me without inquiring too deeply as to why I was here. For some reason, although I was the one who had asked for permission to return, I didn’t feel relieved to be back. My heart was inwardly berating me, demanding I return to the palace immediately and apologize to His Highness.

But I couldn’t do that. I felt like I didn’t know myself anymore. I was so determined to stay at the prince’s side, and yet, I ran from him. I wasn’t able to take his feelings into consideration even after he followed me out of his office; I was too wrapped up in my own emotions. I’d even abandoned my official duties to escape the palace.

I couldn’t believe what I had done. I’d lost sight of my own feelings. That night, I didn’t get a wink of sleep. And my heart was still in chaos when I got up the following morning and rode back to the palace.

I made my way to my private quarters immediately upon returning. Ordinarily, my day began with a court lady briefing me about my official duties for the day, including any correspondence I had received and any requests made to meet with me.

On the way there, I encountered a couple of my maids in the hallway. They gawked, puzzled to see me there. “Um, Lady Elianna, we heard you were in the archives and had ordered us to come see you. Is there something you require?”

“Excuse me?” I blinked back at them. The three of us all exchanged confused looks.

The suspicion on my face must have been fairly transparent, because the girls muttered in their defense, “That’s what Sarah told us...”

Doubt coiled in my stomach as I headed straight for my room. It should have been empty inside, but I could sense a couple of figures within. The maids accompanying me tried to leave to call for the guards, but I stopped them. I was sure we could handle the situation discreetly, given that the voices leaking out from the room belonged to women. I also had Jean with me. Granted, said manservant didn’t exactly seem the most reliable. The disgruntled look on his face made it clear he loathed having to do anything beyond the bare necessities his job demanded of him.

The maids slipped out to wait in the adjoining antechamber while the voices from my room continued to trickle out. We could hear what sounded like two people quarreling.

“Please, enough of this, Lady Matilda.”

“Stop your whining and start searching, quickly! You truly are worthless. The Holy Night’s Banquet is the day after next. If I don’t get this dress in time, I’ll tell my grandfather and have you shipped out of the palace to go work on some farm in the countryside!”

“...The queen strictly controls where Lady Elianna’s dress is kept. You can search this room as much as you like; I don’t think you’ll find it. Please, this is futile.”

“Then find something else that will be useful to me! I need to steal her ideas and present them as my own before she gets a chance. If I don’t stand out more than she does on the night of the banquet, Grandfather and Mother will both be on my case! Lady Sharon didn’t have any useful information for me, and you’ve been utterly worthless as well. It’s your fault I’m suffering like this!”

“Lady Matilda...”

The shrill voice belonged to Lady Matilda, it seemed. Sarah was attempting to quell the lady’s outrage, but the latter continued to berate her.

“It was House Dauner that saved you, you know. You would never have been able to provide for your family without our aid. It was thanks to us that you got a position here in the palace as well. Filthy, cursed Azulan. If you understand how much we’ve done for you, then return the favor.”

After hearing all of that, I made up my mind. Motioning for my maids to stay behind, I entered the room.

The two women jumped in surprise, spinning around to look at me. Sarah went deathly pale as she mumbled my name. Lady Matilda, on the other hand, was flustered for only a moment before she regained her composure. “Well, well, if it isn’t Lady Elianna. I heard you had returned to your family’s estate, so I didn’t expect to see you here. Your lack of charisma makes it easy for people to overlook your presence. An unfortunate quality to possess, given you’re the prince’s betrothed.”

Her refusal to acknowledge that she had broken into my room without permission was almost impressive.

Lady Matilda seemed immune to shame as she continued, “Tell me, don’t you feel embarrassed to have neglected your duties at a time like this when there are so many foreign diplomats and dignitaries in the capital? Your behavior is precisely why everyone speaks so disparagingly about the prince. They talk about how faint-hearted he is, loathing any military action—how he goes weak at the sight of blood. All those in the military are seriously concerned about how well he’ll be able to handle it when our kingdom inevitably gets wrapped up in some war in the future.”

She clicked open her fan, smiling calmly and scornfully behind it. “However, if I were to be welcomed into the prince’s harem, all those in the military would feel much more at ease. That would reassure them that he’s not too weak to use the might of our kingdom should the situation call for it. It seems the two of us will be spending a lot more time together from now on, Lady Elianna.” The way she spoke made it seem as if she knew for a fact that she would become the prince’s concubine.

I mirrored her earlier blasé attitude, ignoring everything she’d said, and glided over to my desk. I reached for one of the drawers, withdrew a number of sample vials, and shoved them at her. When she regarded me suspiciously, I explained, “There are two rivers in Azul: the Mil River, which runs down from the northern mountain range, and the Tessen River. The Milulu Clam can only be found in a tributary where the two rivers cross. By processing those clams, we were able to recreate ink used by our ancestors. If this will be of some use to you, then please, take it.”

“Wha...” Lady Matilda’s haughty face flushed with color, her fingers tightening around the frame of her folding fan. “Are you trying to mock me? Why would I want this bizarre, ancient ink? Besides, you said it’s from a tributary in the Azul Region?” Lady Matilda’s eyes and voice held a note of disgust. She shrank away from the vial as if it were contaminated. “Don’t tell me you obtained this from Corba Village?”

“I did indeed. Is there an issue with that?”

“Oh my,” she gasped with an exaggerated look of surprise on her face. “Lady Elianna, do you realize what you’re saying? Corba Village—and those clams you got from there—are utterly...” Although her words trailed off, her tone made it clear she was repulsed.

A hurt look flashed across Sarah’s face as she lowered her eyes. I stepped over to her, tucking her safely behind me. Reaching back, I grasped her hand in mine and kept my body facing Lady Matilda. “You seem to hold some biased views toward the Azul Region and Corba Village. Is that because some people say the Ashen Nightmare originated in the Azul Region?”

“Obviously. That land is cursed. They created that plague and sent the whole country into chaos. Grandfather said that was what caused Sauslind’s political power to decline. He also told me that if we’d been attacked by Maldura at the time, Sauslind would have been finished!” She huffed, face full of contempt. “Their suffering was divine punishment for their role in the outbreak. I see you’re trying to protect Sarah, but in case you didn’t know, she’s from Corba Village. She’s one of those disgusting, accursed survivors. Stay too close to her and she’ll infect you as well.”

“Those words could be construed as highly disrespectful toward the queen, given how she battled and overcame the plague,” I responded coolly.

She flinched slightly, but just as quickly, she scoffed at me. “Lady Elianna, there is no way for me to deny or excuse intruding into your room like this, so allow me to be blunt and fill you in. Who do you think has been leaking your information?”

Lady Matilda giggled behind the shadow of her fan. “Grandfather said it himself. Prince Christopher seems to favor you, but if the people discovered the person leaking your information was someone from the Azul Region, how would that reflect on the prince? Construction on that bridge of his might be suspended.”

Behind me, Sarah gasped in shock. “Lady Matilda...?”

I squeezed her hand even tighter. There was only one thing I could respond with. “Sarah isn’t the one responsible.” Lady Matilda opened her mouth to ridicule me for my naivety, but I cut her off. “The queen and I are already well aware that Sarah is from Corba Village in the Azul Region. She’s already explained to us what the conditions were like in her village back then. She was the one who assisted me in retrieving the Milulu Clams. If she were the one responsible for leaking my information to House Dauner, then you should have already known about the clams.”

“W-Well,” Lady Matilda stammered, “maybe she just didn’t tell us because she thought such information wouldn’t be pertinent...”

“Lady Matilda, your beliefs about Corba Village are mistaken.”

When she regarded me suspiciously, I began to recall the first time I had ever felt enraged about something that didn’t involve books.

It all started over fifteen years ago in the middle of winter, before the Ashen Nightmare came to be known by that name. There was an unusually high amount of rainfall that year. Downpours continued until the Tessen River began to flood and numerous bridges were swept away. A mountain range surrounded the Azul Region from behind, so they relied on bridges for trade and communication with the rest of the kingdom. With those gone, Azul was immediately isolated.

At the same time, the Ashen Nightmare finally began to unleash its full fury. It swept over the northeastern front, including Azul, and spread like a festering wound across the entire country in the blink of an eye. Everyone was so caught up in trying to deal with it that they spared only enough time to construct a makeshift bridge to temporarily tide Azul over.

Then the real tragedy struck.

Corba Village sat closest to the northern mountain range, right at its base where the tributary from the Mil River ran through. Even in a region as poor as Azul, their village was particularly impoverished. The soil there was unsuitable for farming, so after harvesting what they could from the mountains in the fall, the men would go off to other regions to work and send money home to their families, as was the custom there.

Since it was mid-winter by that point, the only people left in the village were relatively powerless—women, children, and the elderly. The only bridge leading out of the village had been washed away by the floods. They couldn’t even send anyone to ask for help. Unexpectedly, they had to fend for themselves against the plague.

This incident was also known as the “Azul Tragedy.”

Help didn’t come until the end of winter. Everyone was skeptical; they didn’t think anyone in the village could have survived. Yet the people there defied everyone’s expectations. They’d relied upon each other and managed to keep the casualties to a minimum.

People were so surprised they proclaimed it a miracle at the time. However, as the Ashen Nightmare continued to ravage the land, unabated, people began to sing a very different tune. Suddenly, they were saying things like, “There are so many dead elsewhere, why was Corba Village spared?” They started to suspect that the people there had used some kind of sorcery to accomplish this. They started to wonder if the village was cursed—if maybe the village was responsible for the outbreak in the first place.

They were all baseless rumors, but unfortunately, humans have a habit of latching onto the most malicious of whispers. As the victim count rose and more people were affected, losing family members and friends to the plague, perhaps they needed a scapegoat for all of their hatred. None of them had any regard for how those on the receiving end of this animosity felt.

“Lady Matilda, if the Ashen Nightmare’s outbreak had started in the capital, would you call the people here accursed and disgusting? How would you feel if you were among them, if you were one of the people being treated with such hostility?” I asked.

“Your hypotheticals are meaningless,” she spat back at me. “The outbreak did begin in the Azul Region, and you have no proof the survivors of Corba Village aren’t cursed.”

Sarah’s hand trembled as she tried to pull away from me, but I kept my grip firm. She had absolutely no reason to feel ashamed. “Corba Village was not the epicenter of the Ashen Nightmare outbreak. Some medical scholars even suggest that the disease resembled the plague that contributed to the fall of the Kai Arg Empire. Considering it spread from the northeastern front, such an argument is not without credible support.

“The Tragedy in Corba Village was a result of them relying purely on a bridge for trade and communication and was further complicated by their custom of men leaving to work for the winter. Sauslind and the lord of the region held part of the blame for not trying to improve conditions there earlier. Those in the village were victims. They are absolutely not disgusting nor do they deserve your contempt!”

“What...? Lady Elianna, do you truly mean that? You think the kingdom is responsible...?!”

She probably wanted to chastise me—someone of my status wasn’t supposed to admit to the nation’s wrongdoings. I didn’t falter, though.

“Prince Christopher is trying to build that bridge in the Azul Region right now in order to demonstrate that we won’t allow the same tragedy to strike again. We can’t. The country’s dignity is on the line with this policy, and it’s not something that can be overturned simply because of something I—a single person—have said.”

Not yet finished with her, I continued, “The people of this kingdom are precious. Without them, there would be no Sauslind and no king. I refuse to accept anyone as a potential concubine who fails to grasp something so basic and derides the very people she’s committed to protect!”

“How—” She gaped, blushing furiously as she reached her hand over to the nearby vials. “How dare a lowbrow like you speak so arrogantly!”

I flinched away in surprise. Behind me, Sarah slipped out of my grasp and flung herself forward. “Lady Matilda, please stop this!”

The two scuffled for a moment as Lady Matilda tried to fling the ink vial at me, but almost immediately, I heard her shriek. In the midst of their struggle, the lid on one of the vials came loose, leaving a splatter of dark red across both of their clothing. The stain on Lady Matilda’s expensive-looking dress looked particularly gruesome as the ink seeped in, the small crimson circles growing in size on the fabric.

“How could you...!” Lady Matilda cried.

“Excuse the intrusion,” came a voice as someone entered through the open threshold, holding their hand up in a knocking gesture before peeking inside. “I tried to say something sooner, but I doubt you heard me over the fuss.”

Suddenly, Lady Matilda rushed toward him, playing the part of a delicate noble lady. “Prince Christopher! Lady Elianna used that maid to ruin my dress!”

Jean restrained her just before she could reach the prince. She cried out in protest, but Jean wore his usual expression, looking both apathetic and exasperated that he had to deal with this. “Uh, let’s see... I’m arrestin’ you for attempted assault against Lady Elianna. And for defamation and false accusations against the crown prince... Think that about covers it, yep.” He glanced at the prince as if searching for the latter’s agreement.

Before His Highness could respond, Lady Matilda wailed, “Release me, you brute! I’ll tell Grandfather about this! He’ll have your head!”

“Huh...” Jean mumbled thoughtfully. “I might actually take that over servin’ the demon lord.”

“Jean...” Prince Christopher spoke in a low tone, chiding my manservant for his inappropriate joke. His Highness’s presence was as commanding as ever, though his smile wasn’t as radiant as it normally was. “Honestly,” he huffed under his breath. The irritation in his voice was the same as yesterday. “This keeps happening, over and over. Do people genuinely think I can’t discern a truth from a lie? Do I look that foolish?”

The room almost seemed to shake as a chill spread through the air, creeping over our skin. Matilda’s rage momentarily subsided, and for some reason, Jean screwed up his face and averted his gaze. “So the demon lord has awoken...” he muttered, as if he’d seen something he wasn’t supposed to.

“Lady Matilda Dauner. Your grandfather, Earl Dauner, is admittedly an important figure in the military, but he would be wise to act with a bit more caution when dealing with young people like me. Although, it is about time he vacated his seat in favor of the next generation. I would appreciate him stepping aside peacefully, lest he tarnish all the accolades and honors he’s earned throughout the years.”

Lady Matilda gawked at him, not comprehending the meaning of what he was saying.

The smile he gave her was icy, very different from the dazzling ones he usually aimed in my direction. “The Dorud Company, which functions as a financial source for the Dauner family, is locked in competition with the Mers Company, which serves the royal family. I heard it’s common among merchants to send one of their subordinates in to infiltrate the ranks of the opposition...but they picked the wrong people to mess with.”

Overpowered by the prince’s intensity, Lady Matilda blanched. Her lips stilled as she trembled in place.

His Highness continued his onslaught in a quiet voice, still smiling. “There are many illicit rumors about the Dorud Company. Now seemed like as good of a time as any to squash them. But doing so would cause a number of issues, so I elected to change out their leadership instead. In time, the new head of the company will cut all support to House Dauner. I would appreciate it if Earl Dauner stepped down from his position before he loses all of his dignity in the eyes of the court.”

“No, that can’t be...” Lady Matilda mumbled in disbelief. “Without the Dorud Company’s finances, my house will...”

“Indeed.” Prince Christopher nodded. “The Dorud Company was shouldering all the debt your house owes, as well. If they cut you off... Well, it’s obvious what will happen then.”

Jean turned his face away as he muttered, “He really is underhanded...”

Fury shined in the prince’s vibrant blue eyes as he informed Lady Matilda, “The only people who proposed something as ridiculous as a harem in the first place were those from House Dauner. None of the other nobles in Sauslind have spoken up in support of it. That should have been enough for Earl Dauner to realize the futility of his suggestion, but it seems he’s grown senile, too. Regardless, the moment he messed with Elianna, I had no intention of showing him mercy.”

He pinned Lady Matilda with a callous smile, causing her to shiver. His commanding voice boomed around the room as he continued. “Elianna will be my only consort. There will be no other women beside me. None. And since I apparently ‘go weak at the sight of blood,’ maybe I should leave you in a cell overnight and let you see for yourself how faint-hearted I really am.”

She let out a muted cry.

His Highness coldly instructed Jean, “Take her away.” He didn’t even bother looking at her again after that. Once Lady Matilda was dealt with, he turned his gaze to Sarah. The latter was standing rigid and looking dazed. Prince Christopher narrowed his eyes and let out a breath. “I must consult with my mother before deciding how we’ll deal with you. For now, you may leave.”

Finally, her body jerked to life. Sarah glanced over at me once, concern in her eyes, but she held to the prince’s command, curtseying before she slipped out of the room with the other maids.

Soon, the door closed and it was just the two of us. His Highness took a step toward me, shortening the distance between us. “Eli...”

I instantly took a step back. My eyes were locked on his. I couldn’t get the image of how he looked yesterday out of my mind, with his back turned, receding in the distance. Although I knew I needed to return to the palace and apologize to him, the reason I remained frozen in place was because that image was still seared into my eyes. I worried that maybe he was disgusted with me for being a coward, for being so obstinate.

Pain flashed across his eyes as he watched me slip back. I could feel my chest tighten painfully.

Words spilled past his lips. “I’m sorry, Eli.”

I finally remembered to blink after staring at him for so long.

His face was pinched with pain, but there was honesty and sincerity in his voice as he spoke. “I was the one in the wrong... I’m sorry.”

Why was he the one apologizing? The prince hadn’t done anything wrong. I was the one who had worried in silence, bottled everything up, and driven myself to the edge. I was the one who couldn’t trust His Highness’s feelings for me and let jealousy hang heavy like a cloud over my heart. Even now, I was hurting someone I cared about.

I sucked in a sharp breath. My vision rippled, and in seconds, the prince’s silhouette blurred in front of me. The sobs that crawled up from the back of my throat refused to stop, and all of the emotions I’d walled in burst forth as if a dam had broken. Finally, I realized the tears were pouring out, and I couldn’t hold them in.

“...Eli.” He muttered my name in surprise, making a few quick strides to close the gap between us. He wrapped his arms around me. The prince apologized to me again and tried numerous times to console me. I simply shook my head and clung to his chest. The only place I could truly relax was in his embrace.

~.~.~.~

I had no idea how much time had passed. After sobbing my heart out, the prince kept his arms around me and guided me over to a sofa. He comforted and consoled me, apologizing numerous times. I shook my head and started sharing all of my pent-up anxiety with him, stating each point one by one.

I told him how I didn’t feel like I’d ever be like Queen Henrietta, but I’d been trying my best, only to have my private words misappropriated. I told him how I was now starting to feel hesitant, belatedly realizing just how terrifying the palace could be, and subsequently feeling lonely because of that. I told him how I felt anxious about the idea of him having a harem. That I’d seen the connection between him and Lady Mireille and grown paranoid as a result. How, when I’d heard how popular Yule Lovers was in Miseral, I’d only grown even more suspicious.

“But I did...feel like I needed...to ask you about it directly...”

Then I confessed how terrified I’d been to do just that, and that I felt like I couldn’t add to his already busy schedule. In turn, I’d only backed myself into a corner. I revealed how wholly pathetic I had felt—how it had crushed my heart to think my own faux pas had interfered with his foreign policy.

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry, Eli. Really, all of this... The whole thing is my fault. You’ve done nothing wrong. Please, don’t cry anymore.”

“It’s not your...” My voice trailed off.

He kept kissing away my tears before they could fall. He peppered my whole face with kisses, from the edges of my eyes, to my cheeks, to my forehead, and to the tip of my nose. He even stole away the tears that had landed on my lips, drawing the breath right out of me. I thought I felt a small moan slip out of my mouth when he did, but I was so focused on confessing everything that I didn’t really notice.

We were still seated on the sofa, his arms draped around me. He showered me with warmth and kindness, his familiar scent enveloping me in a way that gradually soothed my aching heart.

“I drowned myself in my woes without trying to reach out,” I lamented. “I should have asked you directly, Your Highness...”

“No. I really am the one in the wrong here. I know you are extremely serious and hardworking. I should have been there for you before you even started worrying yourself like that. I’m sorry, Eli.”

For some reason, the two of us had spent the whole time just apologizing to one another. When I started sniffling, the prince took out a handkerchief and handed it to me, planting another kiss on my forehead as he apologized sincerely for the umpteenth time.

“Everything with Lady Ramond is a misunderstanding,” he assured me. “Though, I should have spoken with you about her before you got the wrong idea. I knew you were struggling to acclimate yourself to palace life and your duties here, so I planned to handle it on my own. It pains me to admit, but according to Glen and Alex, this is a bad habit of mine. This was something involving the two of us. I should have spoken to you about it first. It was my fault for trying to solve everything by myself. You have nothing to feel bad about, Eli.”

“Your Highness...” I stared back at him.

His lips suddenly quirked, eyes softening. “Still, that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you cry like that. Knowing that you were sobbing because you were so concerned about me...ahh, not good. I almost want to see it happen again.”

I didn’t understand what he meant by that.

The prince looked happy somehow as he planted more kisses at the edges of my eyes, sweeping back my bangs to press his lips to my forehead, too. “I swore I wouldn’t do anything to make you cry until the day of our wedding. But, well, this isn’t half bad, either.”

Nope, now I really had no clue what he meant.

Still, why did the prince look so happy? I hadn’t wept like this since my mother passed away. At least, not as far as I could remember. So even I was surprised at how much I had cried in front of him.

He grinned at me, but there was something oddly irritating about it.

I realize this is completely inappropriate, but I kind of want to pinch both of his cheeks and stretch them. Would that qualify as disrespectful, I wonder?

Prince Christopher must have felt uneasy under the intensity of my gaze, because he recoiled and said, “Uh, Eli?” Then, suddenly, his eyes snapped toward the door. “Crap,” he hissed under his breath. “Eli, this way.” He hastily stood, dragging me up to my feet. Once I was up, he wrapped an arm around my back and ushered me into the connecting anteroom.

My maids and the imperial guards that had accompanied His Highness stood, surprised to see us. Before they could say anything, the prince lifted a hand to silence them. He instructed them to split up, open all of the doors in the room, and then wait in a separate room after they were done. His orders didn’t make any sense, but they still moved quickly to complete their task before slipping out. Instead of going through the wide-open door and joining them in the other room, His Highness sank behind a large curtain near one of the windows, hiding me along with him.

“Your Highness...?”

“Shh.” His finger pressed against my lips to hush me, and I could feel my heart rapidly speed up. His face was somber as he kept his attention focused on the corridor. The whole situation made my stomach twist in anticipation, but soon I discovered the cause for his behavior.

“Oh dear. What is all this? Did a thief enter Elianna’s room?” Queen Henrietta’s voice filtered in from the wide-open door.

My body jerked instantly in recognition, but as if to scold me for it, the prince dragged me even deeper behind the curtains. I could hear the sounds of one of the queen’s maids cleaning up the room as Agnes quietly relayed the situation to the queen.

“Ran away, hmm...” muttered the queen. She followed that up with an exasperated sigh. “House Dauner never learns, does it? When it happened to me, His Majesty could only admonish them for their impudence because the military’s might was too powerful for him to take further action. Now they’ve pushed my son into writing their obituary.”

There was an audible snap as she cracked her folding fan closed. When she next spoke, Queen Henrietta’s tone sounded more light and airy. “Well, not that such insignificant pests ever stood a chance against him in the first place. He’s been going head to head with Sauslind’s hidden tanuki since he was a child. More importantly, however...”

She smacked her fan against the palm of her hand, sounding somewhat irritated. “The Holy Night’s Banquet is the day after tomorrow, and we still haven’t decided on Elianna’s jewelry. Despite that, my son continues—repeatedly—to monopolize all of her time. He told me she would run from us if we interfered with her reading time, so I restrained myself from inviting her to events, only calling on her infrequently. Now she’s about to slip out of our grasp and it’s because of my own son’s incompetence. Honestly... Is he really even the king’s son? Utterly pathetic.”

My eyes opened wide in shock upon hearing her bite out such harsh words about the prince. His Highness’s graceful features were also twisted in a bitter expression.

After that, the queen spoke with Agnes about something for a few moments and then strode out through the door. Silence returned to the room, and after a moment, I could hear a small sigh.

“Unbelievable,” the prince huffed, seeming almost as irritable as the queen had been. “What’s wrong with me monopolizing your time? I am your fiancé, after all. I’ve been telling her for the past four years that you’re not her dress-up doll.”

I stared blankly back at him, and the prince let out a small breath. “Eli, I’m sure you haven’t realized this yet, but for the past four years, my mother has adored you. Well, leaving the dress-up bit aside, anyway. Remember when we were first engaged and she kept persistently inviting you to all of her tea parties?”

He had already cut me off before I could deny that the queen favored me, so now I fixed him with a bewildered look as I tried to recall that time, nodding my head.

The prince smiled bitterly as he continued. “That was because she wanted so desperately to brag to everyone that you were her daughter-in-law. Especially after you cornered the other court ladies with your arguments, starting with Viscountess Dauner. You even casually drove away the other women who tried to approach me, though I’m sure you weren’t conscious of it. Watching all of that must have been exhilarating for my mother.”

I gawked at him in disbelief. “You’re saying I verbally cornered Viscountess Dauner?”

He nodded, an amused grin on his face. “I heard the story secondhand, but apparently my mother was hosting a tea party one time and the viscountess was in attendance. She began boasting about how she’d secured a supply line for some rare cosmetics and now had a monopoly on them, damaging my mother’s dignity in the process. You then told everyone that one of the ingredients used to create the red color in the makeup was scaled insects, dried and crushed. You explained the characteristics of these insects used in pigmentation, detailing how much time and effort went into creating that formula. Then you went on to talk about other insects used in cosmetics as well. That completely shut down Viscountess Dauner. As an obvious consequence, everyone refused to order any of her products, and for a while, the women in the palace refrained from using much makeup.”

Oh, goodness.

Hearing about what I had done in the past made me reflect on my lack of judgment, and I could feel myself pale.

Still, the prince continued on, seeming entertained. “You dealing a blow to that troublemaker was just one of the many reasons my mother took a liking to you, actually. Did you really think she wouldn’t be fond of you when she sees up close just how much you admire her and how hard you’re working to try to match her?”

My cheeks heated up. Was I really that transparent?

His Highness regarded me with a gentle expression, a smile tugging at his lips. “The reason she’s being so tough on you is because you’re just so adorable she can’t help it. She’s not very upfront about her feelings. Honestly, I don’t think you need to be like her. There’s nothing wrong with the way you are right now.”

I realized it was presumptuous of me to think this, but perhaps the reason he thought that was because he was a bit biased?

My reflection looked so foreign in his eyes, so unconfident and lost. It took a moment for me to digest that it was really me I was looking at. His eyes softened as he watched me. “Hey, Eli, I said it before, didn’t I? Perfection may be demanded of us because of our elevated status, but we are only human. Humans have strengths and weaknesses. We must strive to embody that perfection at all times, but don’t let that blind you to how amazing you are already. You always understand what I’m thinking, and you put the people of this country first. You’re perfectly suited to stand at my side just the way you are right now.”

He kept his gentle gaze on me as he reached out to wipe away the trail of drying tears. “Also, while my mother may have had the impressive Miseral Dukedom to support her claim, you have the people of Sauslind—the people you have fought to protect with your very soul. Every other noble house understands that, with the exception of House Dauner. That’s why none of them have spoken out about a harem. If they did, they know it would earn them scorn and reproval from their own people.”

I gaped and blinked, not sure what to say.

His lips quirked again. “Eli... I don’t even have to try as hard as I do. Your presence alone protects and supports me. Each time you lose confidence in yourself, I’ll be happy to remind you of that. So don’t act so frightened.”

His fingers traced warmly over the dried tracks left behind by my tears. I could feel my eyes already starting to mist over again, as if my tear ducts were overproducing. At the same time, I realized something. As the wedding date approached and the reality that I was going to become the crown princess became gradually more apparent, fear had seized me. My cold feet came in spite of the fact that someone dear to me was reassuring me that I was fine just the way I was, regardless of the new responsibilities and duties I would be saddled with after our wedding.

Before I could cry again, the prince planted another kiss at the edge of each eye. “If you keep acting so cute, I won’t be able to stop myself, Eli.” His voice was thick with passion as he whispered to me.

My heart drummed loudly in my ears.

Come to think of it, Queen Henrietta had already left, so what were we still doing hiding behind the curtains? Suddenly, the blood in my heart was pumping even faster as I realized how secretive we were being, hiding away from prying eyes like this. Plus, the space here was cramped and we were pressed close to one another. I was certain he could hear my pulse.

I tried to shrink back, but the prince tightened his arms around me to prevent my escape. “Honestly...” he started to whisper, his voice sounding so serious I wasn’t sure if he was merely teasing me or not. “I was almost to the point of devising some way of dragging you off to my room. It’s too bad. I really wish Mother would work on her timing a bit more.”

Pardon? I blinked at him.

Beside me, the prince looked almost inconsolable as he exhaled. “Mother has a habit of rushing things, but I suppose Father isn’t much different. The reason my administrative work has increased so much over the years must be because he’s aiming for me to take over in the near future. My father wants to release my mother from her queenly duties as quickly as possible. I’m sure he plans to hand over the crown to me the moment you and I have an heir together.”

“Oh...” I felt even more surprised now, my eyes widening. In spite of the fact that my brain seemed to ignore the mention of an heir, my cheeks still burned bright red.

At the same time, the prince regarded me with a kind yet mischievous look in his eyes. “Mother’s worries are unfounded. Looking at our family lineages, the Bernstein House has been blessed with plenty of children each generation. If there are any problems with us having children, it will probably be from my side. But don’t worry, Eli. It’s my duty, and as a man, I will do my utmost. You have nothing to be concerned about.”

Excuse me? I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about, I thought. Yet for some reason, I got the impression my purity was in danger. Was it just my imagination...?

His Highness soon had his usual smile back on his face, beaming as he leaned toward me. “Hey, Eli...” he said, freezing me in place as he always did when he used those words. “You kept saying you felt you should ask me something directly. What’s your question?”

My heart squeezed as I recalled the doubt that had haunted me up until now. The first thought that weighed on me was: would the prince really welcome a harem? The second was: would the beautiful, wise, and popular Pearl Princess of the Miseral Dukedom, who had known the prince since childhood, be a better fit for him than a Bibliophile Princess like me?

My hand, which had been resting on the prince’s chest, unexpectedly tightened around the fabric of his tunic. When my mouth opened, the words came straight from the bottom of my heart. “Please don’t have any other women besides me.” My tears seemed to have a mind of their own, falling unbidden.

His eyes went round. Instantly he covered his mouth with his hand and turned away. A groan slipped between his fingers. “Eli... That’s against the rules.”

Against what rules?

I regarded him quizzically, feeling unconfident about my decision to be vulnerable with him.

“Ahh, screw it!” The prince suddenly threw his arms around me. He buried his face in my hair, and his voice came out muffled. “...I wonder if I can really be patient enough to wait until spring...?” I had no idea who that question was supposed to be directed at.

For some reason, he seemed dejected as he breathed a sigh down my back and pulled himself away. There was a conflicted, resigned expression on his face. He let out a small breath before pulling his lips up into a smile and wiping the remainder of my tears away. “Eli, you’re the only one. There’s no one else.”

His voice was so earnest it made my pulse come alive. When he called my name, I felt light headed from how much my heart sang. Seeing the affection in his eyes, which almost enveloped me as he looked at me, made all the doubt and anxiety coiling in my gut melt away like the snow in spring.

“No matter how many times you run away, I’ll come and find you. If my feelings for you were so easy to brush aside, I wouldn’t suffer the way I do. So, Eli, the one thing I ask is that you not doubt my feelings for you.”

Those words stole my breath away more than anything I’d heard before.

Sincerity shone bright in those vivid blue eyes—eyes that conveyed both the depths of his feelings as well as the hurt he’d felt. I finally realized just how cruel my actions had been. Once I doubted his relationship with Lady Mireille, I became so paranoid I couldn’t see anything else. But perhaps the person who was most hurt by all of this was the prince, after I refused to take his hand and insisted on keeping my distance.

I tried to put my feelings into words, but my voice never left my mouth. Apologizing didn’t feel right. Expressing my guilt over it seemed even worse. I was unsure of how I should communicate my feelings to him. So instead, with my heart still beating wildly in my chest, I straightened myself and rose to meet his lips, covering them with my own. It wasn’t as filled with passion as his kisses always were. It was clumsy and inadequate. Even I could recognize that. But right now, I wanted to do what my heart told me to.

I stared into the blue depths of his eyes, feeling like I might melt into them. I could feel the tears dripping down my cheeks. “I love you, Prince Chris. I swear, I’ll never run again.”

“Eli...” his voice was husky as his fingers wiped away the tears once more, face twisted in pain, eyes hooded with anguish. “I wish I could show you just how much I love you. How much I want to protect you. And also, how much I want to mess you up in the worst ways possible. I want to show all of that to you.” His fingers pressed my mouth open. I could feel his breath close; his gaze was so inviting. My heart continued to thunder against my rib cage as I closed my eyes.

“Lady Elianna! I know you’re in there! Come out like a proper lady!” a voice interrupted.

The way Lady Sharon courageously demanded my presence reminded me of a scene I’d read in The Travels of Parco Molo. Though in doing so, she nearly made me jump out of my skin. My hands immediately shoved against the prince, sending him stumbling back.

...Oops, I’m sorry, Your Highness.

“This is definitely bad timing,” I heard Lord Alan comment.

“Can I just run away now?” Lord Glen asked with a tremor in his voice.

Lord Alexei scoffed. “The documents are piling up. Honestly, how many times do we have to go through this...”

“I apologize on behalf of my tomboyish lady,” said Lady Elen.

There were so many voices filling the hall outside my room.

The prince, who had stumbled out from behind the curtain, now had a hand on his forehead as he grumbled, “Every single time... These pests always come at the most inopportune moment...” There was hostility in his voice as he huffed, “Could this be the tanuki’s curse?”

I was too ashamed of what we’d been doing—trying desperately to cool the feverish heat burning across my face—to pay him much attention.