Side Story 2: To Each Their Cooking

This is an incident that took place some time after we had grown used to our new home and welcomed the newest additions to our party. Gerard and I had returned from a monster subjugation, and my stomach was telling me it was fast approaching noon.

“I feel like it’s been a while since you and I went somewhere on our own, my king.”

“I know, right? Even though as a party we have such good synergy with you up front and me in the back providing support...then again, the rest of our companions are all too talented at everything, so I suppose that’s why we never get the chance anymore.”

“I have a feeling it’s not so much that and more that it’s nigh impossible to get a spot next to y— hold on.” Gerard, who had been walking next to me, suddenly stopped in his tracks.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t smell anything.”

“Smell?”

“Normally, this time before lunch, the entire mansion would be filled with the wonderful smell of cooking. At the moment, however, I can’t smell a thing.”

“Now that you mention it...” Your senses sure are sharp, in spite of being covered head-to-toe in heavy armor.

I focused my senses and also sniffed the air. It was true, the usual mouthwatering fragrances of Efil’s cooking were absent. Is she out? Considering how diligent she is, I can hardly imagine her forgetting to prepare lunch.

“Could it be she’s gotten sick?” I gasped. “What if she’s collapsed?!”

“What?!”

“And we warned her so many times to be mindful of her own health, that stubborn girl!”

Recently, it seemed like Efil had regained quite a bit of breathing room after entrusting some of the cooking and housework to Ellie and Ruka, but perhaps I had been a bit optimistic. Even now, she would go to sleep after me and wake up earlier than anyone else. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that she’d been putting in undue effort in ways I didn’t even know about.

“Efil, are you all right?! I’ll heal you with magic now!”

“Want me to cook you my special gruel, lass?!”

The two of us rushed towards the kitchen, where we thought her most likely to be. I was completely flustered, wondering what I’d do if I really found her on the ground. I’m counting on you, Nerves of Steel!

But the scene that greeted us was quite different from what we’d been expecting.

“What are you two doing?”

Sera was standing there in an apron, an egg held in one hand. She was looking at us with a worried face. Having heard the commotion, the other girls emerged from the kitchen. Efil was part of that group.

“We...were practicing emergency evacuation procedures. Right, Gerard?”

“That doesn’t explain my offer to make gruel, my king.”

Umm, then how about us being the ones in need of help due to our minds being thrown into confusion by a state of emergency? No? Too much of a stretch?

“Gruel? Oh, are you cooking too, Gerard?” Sera asked.

Gerard and I exchanged glances, then asked at the same time, “Too?”

“It’s been decided that we’ll all be making our own recipes today,” Rion explained. “We’ve been relying on Efil-nee this whole time, so we started discussing the idea of doing our own cooking every once in a while. Then things sort of snowballed from there...”

“Long story short, we’re challenging Efil!” Sera interjected. Then, for extra effect, she said it again. “It’s a challenge!”

Melfina pounded her chest confidently. “After all, I am a girl myself. This time, I am on the cooking side, not the eating side. Just wait till I steal your heart with my food, honey!”

“And there you have it,” Efil concluded. “Master, please be our judge. As your maid, there is no way I am losing this competition! Gerard-san, feel free to participate as well!”

“I’m sorry. You girls have lost me.”

With some effort, I managed to calm everyone down and obtain a more detailed account of the situation. In short, what had happened was this:

Efil was preparing lunch. Rion expressed an interest in cooking. Sera claimed that she could cook too. Aside from Efil, she probably was the best cook...maybe. Melfina couldn’t stand being misunderstood as someone belonging solely to the “eating” side. She, too, was capable of something as easy as cooking. Efil took offense at the phrase “as easy as cooking” and demanded she take it back. Then, somewhere along the line, it broke out into an official cooking competition.

That said, my summary is a bit dramatized. What had actually taken place was much less serious than that, and more about just having fun.

“That sounds like an interesting contest,” Gerard chuckled.

“Some of the participants do have me worried, though,” I replied with a sigh.

In the end, Gerard and I folded in the face of the girls’ enthusiasm and agreed to judge their work. The knight was looking on with enjoyment, but truthfully, I was afraid to imagine what would end up being served. I know I don’t have to worry about Efil’s cooking. In fact, I want to eat that. Rion’s is probably going to be okay as well. Actually, I’m quite looking forward to it.

“Mel, did you hear what Kelvin said about you?”

“Those worries of his are about you, Sera.”

It’s BOTH of you I’m worried about. Even if you’re going to fail, please, please, please keep it within the realm of “it tastes bad.”

“All right, before you all begin, a quick explanation of how things are going to go. Once a dish is finished, Gerard and I will judge it in turn. It is now lunchtime, and we are hungry. But even so, keep the quantities down to reasonable amounts, or else we won’t be able to finish eating everyone’s entries. There’s no set time limit, but don’t take too long. Once we’re done tasting everyone’s food, we’ll announce the one that was most delicious. Any questions? None? In that case, go!”

I clapped my hands once and everyone flew into action. Let’s switch to using the Network for my conversations with Gerard from this point on. As judges, we wouldn’t want to unduly influence the competitors with our comments.

Chop, chop, chop.

Gerard and I could have waited in the dining room, but we wanted to watch for a bit. The girls were concentrating on their cooking with razor-sharp focus, nobody uttering a word. Uh, are they actually serious about this? Was I wrong? Could it be they all do have significant experience with cooking?

I glanced at Gerard. This sight...seems a lot more normal than I’d imagined.

::What did you expect, my king?::

I dunno. Maybe Mel and Sera skewering ingredients with spears or chopping using knifehand strikes instead of actual knives?

::Ahhh...well, I suppose it’s a relief that they’re doing it normally.::

So true. I’m starting to think I might actually allow myself to have expectations here.

As I heaved a sigh of relief, the first contestant to finish raised her hand.

“I’m done!”

It was Rion in her cute pink apron. She hopped up and down to make up for her shorter stature in an attempt to grab our attention.

“That was quick. You sure you don’t need more time?” I asked.

“Well, I don’t know any complicated recipes. This is simple, but I did my best making it!”

“So, you went with rolled omelet. Interesting choice,” Gerard murmured.

Rion’s dish appeared a bit untidy, probably due to her having messed up a bit during the rolling process. Even so, we both thought it a treat as she had worked hard to make it for us. Let us partake with joy!

“Heaven be thanked, heaven be thanked...”

“Gerard, stop worshiping it and start eating already.”

“Right, a dish like this is best enjoyed hot. Here goes...”

We both took a bite.

“H-How is it?” Rion asked hesitantly.

I nodded. “Mm, not bad at all. It has a sweet and homey flavor that makes me feel nostalgic somehow. The presentation isn’t perfect, but the taste more than makes up for it. If this was put into our lunchboxes in the future, I’d be the first to eat it.”

“Aww, really? Yay!”

“I...think I can die happy now...”

“Gramps?!”

Phew, that was close. Gerard was this close to going to heaven. Too much enjoyment can be dangerous; lesson learned. Objectively speaking, Rion’s rolled omelet is only delicious in the “anyone can make it” sense. However, after taking into account our biased grading curve for our “grandchild” and “little sister,” she still had a fighting chance in the competition.

“Looks like I’m next!”

The second to raise her hand and bring a plate over was Sera, who was wearing a red apron that did nothing to obfuscate her womanly curves. To my surprise, the dish she was holding emanated a wonderful fragrance that immediately kicked my salivary glands into action. It was...

“Demon-style curry. Enjoy!”

“Uhh...no, this is clearly meat and potato stew.”

“Really? But I’ve been eating this ever since I was small...”

At the very least, whatever it is, it isn’t curry. Or could it be that in the demon world, “meat and potato stew” is called “curry”?

“My king, what does it matter what it’s called if it’s delicious?”

“That is...deeply profound.” I suppose there’s no need to dwell on mere details. This is another world, after all, so it shouldn’t be surprising for names of dishes to be passed down incorrectly. What truly matters is the taste. It’s all about the taste! I’m still recovering from the surprise of her betraying my expectations and making something that actually looks good!

“Both the appearance and smell seem perfect. Sera, have you been practicing in secret?”

“What? No, this is my first time ever cooking.”

“Uh...come again?”

“I knew how to make it, but today is my first time actually trying my hand at it. I pretty much just did it by intuition!”

Is there anything your intuition can’t do?! I mean, I know you’re proficient at a bunch of different things, but never did I imagine you being this good at cooking too. But hold on, before I make a judgment call, I have to actually eat it. Who knows, there might still be a chance that it’s not what it seems. So...here we go.

I took a bite, then my eyes flew wide open. “This is delicious!!” What the hell is this?! This dish has flavor with such a kick that it’d put any run-of-the-mill restaurant to shame! Both the meat and potato are melting in my mouth. Is this really her first time cooking?!

“I thought I had developed quite the refined palate because of Efil’s cooking, but...this is one recipe I can definitely stand behind.”

“Muahaha, so both of you like it! But sadly, I couldn’t get it to the level where it’d make you cry like Efil’s food does.”

“Okay, that is literally the highest degree of evaluation, all right?”

No matter how much of a genius Sera was, it was no simple matter trying to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Efil, who not only possessed exceptional talent but also poured in unmeasurable effort. To do so would likely require the resolve to actually walk the path of a chef.

Even so, this was a happy miscalculation. Sera, allow me to honestly give you praise. Well done!

“And now it’s my turn, Mas—”

“STOOOP RIGHT THERE!”

“Wh-What?!”

Just as Efil was about to present her dish, a voice rang out that froze her in her tracks. The source of the shout was not from within the room. It came from outside.

“Ha! Ha! Ha! And now, it’s time for the dark horse to make her entrance! I also challenge you, Efil-chan!”

The voice outside the window turned out to be Ange’s. She had apparently been in her mysterious stealth mode the entire time, waiting for this very moment. Just like Efil, she was wearing a green apro— No, she was wearing an apron with green military camouflage.

Paying no attention to Efil’s slack-jawed surprise, she easily vaulted through the window and into the room.

“Hey there, Ange. Why’d you come in that way?”

“Tsk, tsk. Do you even have to ask, Kelvin-kun? It was for the theatrics, of course,” she replied smugly, wagging a finger.

I wanted very much to question her extensively about how she’d known of this competition and been so thoroughly prepared. Naturally, I had not detected or sensed her at all beforehand. This was a complete surprise attack with no warning whatsoever.

“You really must be an adventurer, right, Ange?”

“This big sister has no idea what you’re talking about.” The only answer I got was a cheerful smile and a blatant attempt at giving me the slip.

Gerard spoke up then. “So, Ange. Does your being here mean that you also wish to participate in this competition?”

“That’s the Gerard-san I know. You sure do catch on quick. While Efil-chan and everyone else were working hard inside, I was working just as hard outside.”

“Why outside?”

“Because not all cooking is done indoors. At times, incorporating an outdoor feel might be exactly what is needed. So here you go. Try this.”

Ange pulled a huge pot seemingly out of nowhere and plonked it onto the table with a loud thud.

“Hm, you went with soup?” Gerard asked.

I peered inside. “I see quite a lot of mushrooms and vegetables...ah, so you stuck to using only ingredients that can be found outside, in keeping with the outdoors theme?”

“I procured everything myself! Every ingredient is fresh!”

“You sure went all out. Oh, I see some meat in there as well.” At first glance, it looks like fish, but what meat is it? Oh, right, I have Analyze Ey— “Wait, you used snake?!”

Even worse, judging from the name, it was a pretty vicious species. Uh, did I hear her wrong, or did she say she’d procured all the ingredients herself?

“Wow, you have a great eye, Kelvin. I did my best to take care of the scales and all, but you still figured it out with one look.”

“That’s, uh...ahem. Dude, rather than ‘outdoors’ being the theme, I think ‘survival’ would be more suitable.”

“Snake...I remember eating it quite often when I went on expeditions back in my day. It’s actually quite delicious, my king. Give it a try.”

That’s not it. That’s not what I was commenting on. The snake I can sort of accept, but never mind, let’s move on. “Ange, I’m asking for the third ti—”

“Now then, Kelvin-kun! Try it while it’s still hot!” she said, her eyes practically sparkling.

I had completely lost my timing. Gerard was already holding a spoon. With no choice, I proceeded to try a mouthful. Slurp.

“Hmm...”

“How is it? What d’you think?”

“It kind of tastes like freshwater fish. Yep, this is delicious. I guess it’s a brand-new taste?”

“Ahaha, I’ve heard that before, from someone else who was trying snake for the first time.”

“Mmm, this sure hits the spot!”

Having never tasted snake until then, I found myself at a loss for what to say. In contrast, Gerard was heartily wolfing it down. Judging from Ange’s reaction, could it be that she’s purposely messing with me?

“Even if you aren’t familiar with the taste, I’d like to ask the judges to take into consideration the fact that almost all the ingredients I used can be sourced locally, which means this dish has a cost that’s as close to zero as you’ll ever get. I’m a useful girl to have around during an emergency!”

Is it a requirement for all Adventurer’s Guild receptionists to be this capable? Granted, being able to whip up a meal even when there are no obvious ingredients on hand does sound quite helpful.

“Muahaha, I finally managed to get you back, Efil-chan.”

“That was a very good try, Ange-chan. However...” Trailing off, Efil lifted the silver cloche that was covering her dish. A dazzling light spilled out from it.

“This is me at my most serious.”

◇ ◇ ◇

There was but a single person left standing in the kitchen: Efil, Head Maid Extraordinaire. She stood proudly in her maid uniform, an emerald clip adorning her golden hair, numerous bodies at her feet.

“For the record, we’re not dead. We’re still alive!”

The dish she’d presented had been so delicious that I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was so overwhelming that I’d almost fainted. Only Gerard and I had actually tasted it, but the smell alone had been enough to cause Rion and everyone else to fall to their knees, unable to get back up. What Efil had made was no longer food; it was a weapon. I never thought I’d be on the verge of dying from how good something tasted.

“I’m glad you liked it.”

“Dammit, I knew I should have been on the eating side instead!” Melfina muttered in frustration, trying to pull herself upright in spite of her buckling knees.

Well, hey, you did pretty good holding yourself back today. Don’t think I didn’t notice your razor-sharp gaze every time a new dish was carried our way.

“Ahaha, I guess I’m still no match for you, Efil-chan!”

“I guess there’s no need to even hear Kel-nii and Gramps’ pronouncement.”

“I suppose so. Congratulations on the win, Efil!”

Ange, Rion, and Sera backed down gracefully and admitted their loss. With this big of a contrast, there’s really nothing to do but laugh. It was still far too early to challenge the final boss. Let’s take this time to praise and extol the goddess of cooking in our midst instead.

“Hold on! There’s still my dish!” the blue-aproned Melfina protested. The only actual goddess of this world, she held out a plate even as her shoulders heaved up and down from the effort of standing. It looked like her knees were going to need a bit more time to recover.

“Mel...”

“Princess...”

Come on, an upset at this point of the game just isn’t possible, all right? I couldn’t say that out loud, though. I was still extremely worried, but I knew she had done her best. Not only with the cooking, but also with suppressing her appetite. Just as I’d done for the others, I needed to face her efforts head on.

“Gerard, I...will try her food first.”

“Hm, very well. Go ahead. I shall bear witness to your gallantry.”

The supportive knight at my side gave me a push in the back. Thank you, Gerard. I think I feel courage welling up inside of me. After all...

“Blergh...”

This dish doesn’t even look like food.

“H-Honey?!”

“Mel-nee, healing magic!”

“Right, I can — it’s not working?!”

“A healing obstruction debuff?!”

I miraculously managed to escape death thanks to Efil’s devoted nursing and the gruel that Gerard quickly whipped up. After they all got together and talked it out, it was decided that Gerard’s gruel would be awarded first place in the competition.