Setting Sail

Setting Sail

 

>I HAD ALCOHOL yesterday. With a friend.<

 

>>Oh, because it was your birthday?<<

 

>Yes.<
>I tried beer.<

>>How was it?<<
>>I hear it’s sour.<<

 

>That’s exactly right.<
>It was so sour.<
>It didn’t leave me craving more, that’s for sure.<

 

>>You’ll like it once you get used to it.<<
>>Maybe?<<

 

>I think I’ll pass for the time being.<

 

>>Mine’s in February, so that’s still a ways away for me.<<

 

>I know.<
>I’m your elder by a year for now.<

 

>>Yours is in the summer and mine is in the winter.<<
>>Shouldn’t it be the opposite?<<

 

>You think so?<

 

>>Hmm.<<
>>Actually, I guess I’m not really all that summery.<<

 

>Right.<
>You remind me more of spring.<

 

>>Why spring?<<

 

>Because that’s when we met.<

 

>>Haha, fair enough.<<
>>You’re the picture of winter.<<
>>Since you’re composed and stuff.<<

 

>I don’t think I’m composed, but…<
>Sure.<
>Let’s go with that.<

 

>>That response is kind of concerning…<<
>>But right, so alcohol, huh?<<
>>I’d like to have a drink with you someday.<<

 

>Yes, someday.<

 

>>Yeah.<<
>>I hope that day really does come.<<

 

As I listened to the sounds coming from the once-unused second floor, I heard the musical clatter of a cup. The coffee I’d ordered had been prepared while I was preoccupied with my phone. And Miyako-san, the café manager, was smiling on the other side of the counter.

“You don’t look so hot.”

If she noticed that with just a glance, it must be terribly obvious. The aroma drifted from the coffee cup, taking on the outline of Miyako-san’s café. My cloudy vision cleared slightly.

“Something wrong? Maybe I can help a little.”

“Erm…”

“It looks like something’s weighing on your mind.”

“Yes. A headache.”

Miyako-san gave me a blank stare. She had probably meant that figuratively. But from my point of view, that was exactly what was troubling me.

“It just won’t go away,” I groaned as I held my forehead.

“Oh, maybe it’s a summer cold?”

I shook my head. Of course that’s how she would interpret things, since I looked sick, but the reality was even more miserable than that.

“I think it’s probably from the drinks I had yesterday.”

Since I was going off of my general knowledge, I didn’t know if I’d gotten the symptoms correct. But I suspected that the source of the listlessness and headache that had plagued me since morning without relief was none other than…

“A hangover?”

“I think so. Possibly.”

At my dubious expression, Miyako-san broke into a smile. She drew away for a moment, prepared something, and came back.

“In that case, start with this.”

She set a glass of what looked like water down next to the coffee. When I picked it up and looked at it closely, it was a little cloudy for water. I gingerly took a sip; it wasn’t the clear taste of water either, but something slightly sweeter. It tasted familiar, although I couldn’t quite place it.

“It’s what they call a sports drink. They’re a good way to stock up on salt and sugar as well as hydration.”

“Thank you…”

I was surprised she had something like that on hand. Perhaps she drank it herself.

While sipping the contents of the glass a little bit at a time, I checked the clock.

Not even a full day had passed since Edamoto-san confessed to me.

After I got home from her apartment, I flopped onto my bed and was completely unconscious until morning. I was thankful I didn’t wake up in the middle of the night, but if you looked at it objectively, I had just drank alcohol, returned home, and passed out until morning. The bold debut of a twenty-year-old.

After that, I had my morning bath, and just as I began to regain my composure, I became aware of a tight pain in my temple. And now, here I was.

Miyako-san observed my current state, looking amused.

“First time?”

“Yes, I was celebrating my birthday.”

“Oh, happy birthday,” Miyako-san said breezily. Then her eyes wandered off. “Hmm.”

“Um, is something wrong?”

“I was debating on whether to give you that coffee on the house.”

“No need, but I appreciate the thought.” I put down my glass and looked up. “More importantly, I sort of wanted to talk to you about something…”

I felt a sense of déjà vu, like this scene had happened recently. A bit too much time had passed to really call it “recent”, but Miyako-san was still calm as ever as I looked up to her.

“Hmm.” Miyako-san looked around the café. The tables were brimming with a type of clientele I hadn’t seen before. “Could we do this after things settle down a little?”

“Yes.”

“Sorry I have to do this when you have a hangover, but just hang in there for a little.”

Does my hangover really have anything to do with it? I wanted to refute her, but when I turned, a sharp pain seemed to pierce the back of my head. It seemed the hangover was deeply relevant after all. Though I think there were other reasons besides the alcohol that my eyes and head were spinning, I couldn’t deny that I’d been rash about my drinking.

I think my usual self would have done more research before actually drinking.

Maybe I had been a little too excited.

Thus, I obediently waited for Miyako-san. It was so busy, I actually felt bad for overstaying my visit on just a single cup of coffee. Miyako-san had told me before that having a thriving café was a dream of hers, and it seemed to me that her dream had really come true. I watched the scene over the rim of my coffee cup, and suddenly a thought came to mind.

Have I ever had a dream come true up until now?

My headache calmed down a little while I was waiting. Now having a serious conversation shouldn’t be too difficult, I thought.

“Sorry for the wait. Oh, by the way—when it comes to drinking alcohol, it’s best to do it after you’ve got something in your stomach,” Miyako-san returned to me while wiping her hands, then gave me some unprompted advice.

“I won’t be drinking for a while, but thank you…”

“I thought the same thing when I started drinking.”

As Miyako-san smiled at me, I couldn’t help thinking that she seemed like a higher-level adult than me; perhaps I still had some childish parts left myself. These divisions were more complicated than just “child” versus “adult”—there must be many more levels and delineations of adulthood, too.

I had come to this café because I thought of her as such an adult.

With my hand still adorning the cup, I cast my eyes down a little and spoke. “Someone confessed their feelings to me the other day.”

“Oh?”

Having said that, I realized it was actually just yesterday, not “the other day.” But there was no need to get hung up on such minor details.

Miyako-san leaned forward and positioned herself to listen closely.

“Who was it? Someone at college?”

“Yes. A first year—one year below me.”

“Is she cute? Or more on the beautiful side?”

Based on the way she asked that and smiled, it seemed like she had particular examples in mind for both options.

Considering the people who had come to the café with me in the past, I could guess who she was thinking of immediately. But Edamoto-san didn’t look like either of those two at all. It also seemed that she was assuming the person who had confessed to me was a girl. Well, I suppose that makes sense, I thought.

Because if it had been a guy, I probably wouldn’t be agonizing about it this much.

“If I had to pick one, then I think she’s on the cute side.”

And the women that I had fallen for until now had been on the beautiful side.

I wondered which type Edamoto-san preferred. I had kind of seen her ex-girlfriend’s face before, but it was just a glance, so I couldn’t remember what she looked like in detail. Thinking about it, my interest levels really are an extreme contrast.

I have a surprisingly clear recollection of things that interest me, but things that don’t interest me blur and drift into oblivion.

“Since you don’t know what to do, that means you don’t dislike this person, right?”

“Well, no.”

If anything… I started to say, but then I questioned myself. If anything, what?

Why had that particular phrase sprung to mind right away? I didn’t think I felt such strong affection for her that I would jump to If anything, quite the opposite, or something like that.

“Someone confessed to me in junior high once, too…”

“Well, aren’t you popular,” she teased. In point of fact, I had been confessed to several times in high school, too, but that wasn’t important.

“Back then, we dated even though I didn’t know what it meant to like someone… I ended up falling for that person after the fact, but it didn’t end well. She was the one who confessed to me—and the one who broke up with me.”

That might be why I was automatically suspicious to no small degree whenever someone showed me affection.

And yet, I myself fell for people so easily.

I think that I’m actually pretty soft on myself when it comes to that.

“And you’re worried it’ll happen again?”

“A little.”

Each time you failed at something, you would become wiser and more cowardly. My grandmother had once said something like that. And indeed, that was exactly what I was doing right now.

But I was sure that becoming wiser wasn’t a bad thing.

“It’s just that this time, I’m worrying about it optimistically. …It’s a strange way to put it, but that’s what I’m feeling.”

Something was definitely different this time around. I wanted to think that the difference was that I had gotten smarter.

“Right.”

Miyako-san’s response was gentle. That hadn’t changed since I had met her.

Though she could be a bit teasing at times.

“It’s all right if you worry about it a lot. I think that sincerity of yours is charming.”

“Thank you.”

It felt nice to be complimented so readily. Miyako-san had that rare trait of being good at praising others. Maybe it was because she worked in the service industry.

“I’m not quite asking for advice, but even talking about it like this does make me feel better.”

“Of course…”

I really did mean it. It wasn’t like Miyako-san was going to particularly give me advice.

An animal trapped in a cage is bound to become disgruntled. Thoughts are living things, too. They can’t be locked up forever.

“College, though, eh? That seems like so long ago now.”

She began to count on her fingers one by one but stopped in the middle of that as though she had realized something.

Then she looked up at me and laughed lightheartedly at my expression in response to what I’d just witnessed.

“Ahahahaha.”

“Ahaha…”

We laughed deliberately and forcefully, putting it behind us.

“That reminds me, I know a certain someone who once started dating a person because one never knows until they try it out.”

“You mean Hakozaki-sensei?”

Miyako-san didn’t reply but smiled as though she were reminiscing about something.

“You really are making the most of your youth,” she teased me lightly, but I felt something like guilt when she used the word “youth.”

The issue was with my age.

“Doesn’t one’s youth only last through high school?”

“College students aren’t that different, though.”

Perhaps that was true once you reached Miyako-san’s age.

“If you can believe it, I still consider myself to be in my youth, too.”

“Well…um, you certainly are young.”

“That was supposed to be a joke…”

While we each gave each other something of a forced smile, a particular mood swept over me.

Even college students weren’t much different from high schoolers…

On further consideration, I supposed it was true.

I couldn’t find a clear distinction between my high school self and my college self.

 

Naturally, I happened to run into the confessor in question on campus.

“H-Hey,” Edamoto-san gave me a flustered greeting.

“Good morning,” I responded, a little bewildered.

Did she always seem like that?

“Good morning…” she awkwardly bowed her head to me, which also seemed different from the Edamoto-san I knew.

We stood close to the main gate, exposed to the summer sun as the confusion intensified.

“Wait, this isn’t how things normally go. Um, how do I normally act again…?”

Edamoto-san frowned, tilting her head and scrunching her face in thought.

“We can just go on like usual… Oh, I guess the issue is what that’s supposed to look like.”

As her concern deepened, I too was starting to lose sight of what our relationship had been like in the past. Then, I remembered too late that she had confessed to me when we last met. I had told her I would think about it, and I really had done just that, but I hadn’t come up with a response yet. But regardless of all that, we had to go on with our college lives.

Still, as we walked together, there was definitely a slight awkwardness between us.

“Sayaka-senpai, did you get home all right the other day?”

“Yes, I didn’t have any particular issues.”

I was a bit full of it, to be honest. In truth, I couldn’t actually say whether it went all right or not, because I didn’t remember the process of getting there.

After I got on the train and sat down, my consciousness had faded in and out. The scene around me would suddenly light up or go dark. As the train car jostled, I felt like I was drifting up and down between dreams and reality. Maybe this was what it meant to blackout?

I had become a stereotypical college student—as I berated myself, I felt someone watching me.

When our eyes met, Edamoto-san’s face steadily changed color as she looked up at me. It started from the middle of her cheeks, faint and warm.

A warmth different from the one of summer reached my eyes.

“What’s the matter?”

“The matter? I think I told you already. I blurted out the whole, entire matter.”

“Right.”

Hearing that directly, I felt like I was being dragged into the same state of mind as her.

“I was just thinking it’s pretty embarrassing to be in front of the person you like after you’ve laid your heart bare.”

“Right…”

That simple reason was probably related to why I hadn’t tried to meet with Touko much since graduating from high school. Although it was hard to face that fact head-on.

“Maybe it would be better if we don’t see each other until you have a response.”

“Right…”

I was so unsure how to reply that I kept repeating the same thing. But really, there wasn’t much else I could say.

Because I was still agonizing over it.

Agonizing over something wasn’t a no, at the very least. Even Miyako-san said so.

That’s right—I wasn’t saying no. I was just stopping to think and be cautious.

I already knew exactly what I was being cautious about. But that only made me want to take it even more seriously.

But in spite of my serious efforts, the answer wasn’t immediately making itself clear.

I thought I had learned a lot by now.

And yet, I had encountered so much affection since then, and now here I was.

Once again, I was turning things over in my hands, comparing them, and thinking.

I wonder what love really is.

 

>Will you be on campus tomorrow?<

 

>>Yeah.<<
>>Why do you ask?<<

 

>I have something to tell you.<
>Can we meet?<

 

>>I’d be happy to!<<
>>Oh, wait. Should I be happy, though?<<
>>Wait, wait, wait, is that what you wanted to talk about?<<
>>Aaaaahhh.<<

 

>Calm down.<
>But yes, I do want to talk about that.<

 

>>There’s no way I can calm down, then.<<
>>Nope nope nope.<<

 

>If you can’t, then…<
>I suppose let’s call it off.<

 

>>Senpai, you’re too quick to decide things.<<
>>But if you ask whether I’m usually calm…<<
>>like, probably not.<<

 

>Right.<
>Well, until tomorrow, then.<

 

>>Whaaat?<<
>>There’s still six hours left in the day today.<<
>>Tomorrow is so far away…<<

 

>Please relax.<
>Our conversation isn’t going to be that bad—I think.<

 

The next day, I spotted Edamoto-san running over to me, pale-faced. If she wasn’t moving as quickly as ever, I would have questioned whether she was physically okay. In fact, her perpetual level of energy was nothing if not reliable.

“Good afternoon.”

“It’s not even noon yet.”

Her movements were stiff, as though she had gotten mixed up in potato starch. The hand perched on her elbow, which was bent at a right angle, fluttered like a flag. Before long, she seemed to lose the strength to do even that much and stiffly lowered her arm.

“Your face looks awful.”

“That’s so mean.”

“…Your complexion looks awful.”

When I made that slight correction, Edamoto-san seemed relieved. Was she fine with that, then?

“It’s probably just ’cause I haven’t really slept much… I could have hidden it with makeup, but there isn’t much of a point if I sweat it all off.”

Edamoto-san laughed, openly exhausted.

“I feel like I’ve told you many times already that you don’t need to rush so much…”

“I don’t mean to rush. When I try to keep up with my emotions, I naturally start running, that’s all.”

She explained the reason she was running in her own special way. For me, this seemed like a dubious reason at best.

The last time I had spontaneously started running was probably all the way back in my childhood, when I was chasing after a cat.

Edamoto-san leapt to my side, as though she were pouncing on something. A gentle breeze came to me along with her. As it did, I noticed something strange, and frowned automatically.

“…You smell like alcohol.”

“Huh?”

My underclassman averted her eyes awkwardly when I pointed this out.

“I was trying to calm myself down and, for some reason, there just so happened to be beer in my refrigerator.”

“I would think that’d actually make you feel even more of a mess.”

She must’ve had what you’d call a nightcap, I thought. Based on the color of her face, it didn’t look like it had been that effective.

“Besides, drinking too much isn’t exactly praiseworthy—you’re a minor. It’s not society’s rules that I’m worried about so much as your health.”

“Wait, I don’t drink that often, though.” Edamoto-san seemed flustered as she protested. If she did make it a habit, that would be a huge problem, especially at her age.

“And here I even made sure to tell you this wasn’t going to be a bad conversation.”

“But that just made it even harder to sleep…especially when you said it wasn’t that bad.”

Although Edamoto-san lamented, she didn’t show any sign of letting her lack of sleep drag her down—she was much faster than me, downright nimble, even. She circled around in front of me just like a dog.

“But I was definitely happy, too.”

What are you talking about? I asked with my eyes, and Edamoto-san gleefully laughed.

“Because this is the first time you’ve been the one to ask me to meet up,” Edamoto-san said, turning to face me and walking backwards.

Her voice pierced through to the back of my mind more sharply than the summer sunlight.

“Ahh…”

I really get that, I thought.

When it feels like you’re the only one whose feelings are running ahead, you’re bound to be anxious. You start to wonder how far you should really go and whether you’re in too deep. So if the other person reciprocates in some way, that’s enough to allow you to stop running and feel at ease.

When your heart gets too far, either from yourself or someone else, it becomes delicate and even weak.

And I am just as weak as anyone else.

“Well then, where are we going?”

Edamoto-san was already following me by the time she asked. Of course, I wasn’t just going to head to lecture right away. We gradually broke away from the uniform flow of students.

“To the back of the lecture hall.”

“Hm? The bench?”

“It’d be better if there weren’t many people around, right?”

“Oh, umm…yeah, you’re right. Plus I might end up crying again.”

“Right…”

Tears come from the most extreme emotions, both good and bad. So Edamoto-san really might end up crying.

As we walked in silence, I thought back on Edamoto-san’s tears from the first time we met.

“Sure is hot today.”

“It really is.”

That was the extent of our conversation on the way.

Soon, we arrived at the usual bench. …Well, I suppose not the usual per se, but this was where Edamoto-san and I met, and where we seemed to keep returning to time and time again. Since it was the place where we met, I suppose I could call it our origin.

I straightened my back as I sat down and gazed out over the scenery before me.

The series of green spaces were different from the nature that had enclosed my surroundings in the past, and the glitter of heat indicated the season.

With Senpai, it had been the courtyard; with Touko, it had been the student council; and with Edamoto-san, it was the bench behind the lecture hall.

When the time came to leave yet another place that was both the beginning and the end…

I wondered whether, this time, I would finally leave without shedding a single tear.

“Before I give you my answer, can I ask a question?”

“S-Sure.”

Edamoto-san’s arms and back were completely straight. A small rivulet of sweat flowed along her arm.

It looked good against her tanned skin.

“Why did you fall in love with me?”

My voice sounded slightly cold, though it might have been because of the shade covering the bench.

I’m not sure how Edamoto-san took that, but the blush on her cheeks grew a bit.

“Are you doing that one thing? Like, testing whether I’m sincere or something?”

“I’m just curious, that’s all.”

I wanted to know Edamoto-san’s point of view about what it meant to care for someone. Edamoto-san scratched her head.

“It’s kind of hard to say, but…maybe it was love at first sight?”

“Love at first sight?”

I was already turning it over in my head. As though she were telling me to stop, Edamoto-san waved her hand side to side. “So I guess that means I initially fell in love with your face.”

“Mm-hmm.” Since I understood that, I agreed automatically and then felt a little bashful. So it was this face, I thought and brushed my cheek with my fingers. “I see.”

“Yeah, I guess so…” Edamoto-san’s voice didn’t sit right, as though she had lost her balance. Her tone indicated she was impatient to hear what came next.

I opened my eyes wide and looked at her intently.

“Well then, if I may…”

“Uh-huh…”

“To be honest, I can’t say that I’m exactly head over heels in love with you right now.”

I jumped right into it, assuming she had already figured out this much.

But then…

“Huh?” Edamoto-san looked genuinely taken aback.

“Wait, erm…did you really assume that I would be madly in love with you?”

When I pointed that out, Edamoto-san grew embarrassed and squirmed on the spot. “Well, I mean…obviously I wasn’t that confident… Oh, but if you’re not, that’s not good…”

Edamoto-san hemmed and hawed. …The conversation was already completely off-track.

I was almost at a loss about what to do. Should I keep going and pretend this interruption had never happened?

Edamoto-san seemed like she was likely to keep mumbling to herself forever at this rate, so I couldn’t expect the situation to improve.

I tried waiting it out, but nothing changed as the cicadas cried. The clouds continued to swim, still unable to reach the towering sky.

“………”

I decided to pretend it hadn’t happened.

“Something like this happened in the past, too, and I ended up actually falling for that person.”

Once I shifted back to the conversation abruptly, Edamoto-san stopped her squirming and came back to her senses.

“This was the person you were dating before, right? My exact opposite.”

I nodded a little.

“Back then, I didn’t know what it meant to love someone. But I wanted to know, so I thought I would try dating her. I had no idea where the future would lead, either. That might have been a disingenuous reason, but that was what started it. I think that this case is very similar.”

Even though they were completely different people, the situations themselves were quite closely related. It was a curious thing.

Perhaps each person has their own particular path that leads to their heart, and so when different people follow it, they’ll inevitably encounter similarities.

“Um, so…in other words?”

I was sure there were no lies when it came to her love. I knew that, and I wanted to believe it.

But I still couldn’t forget how things had concluded back then.

I mean, in the end, there hadn’t been any lies in my love for Senpai, either.

I couldn’t help thinking about what would happen if I were to become the betrayer this time.

It was like grasping at air.

I didn’t get closer to her, but I couldn’t leave her.

I was at a standstill part of the way there.

“I wouldn’t call it dating yet, but let’s try being together.”

Once I finished saying that, the sound of the crying cicadas seemed to nestle up to the back of my ears and grow louder all at once.

Edamoto-san seemed frozen after hearing me, as though she didn’t understand at first.

Perhaps my brazen response left the possibility that this might even be a roundabout rejection.

“Only if that’s okay with you, of course,” I ended up adding on, like an excuse.

“So should I be happy about this?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

I will be the first to admit that I was being a bit annoying.

Edamoto-san slouched a bit and her forehead wrinkled, but as soon as she straightened herself, she smiled.

“I guess it’s kind of like a sample.”

“A sample?”

“Oh, or I guess you’d call it a trial period. Like, ‘if you’re enjoying our product, please subscribe,’ that sort of thing.”

“I’m sorry to give such an indecisive answer.”

When she explained things so positively, it made me feel apologetic.

“If you haven’t decided yet, then there’s a chance you’ll still pick me! So yeah…”

Edamoto-san gestured as though beckoning me over to her.

“You sure have a positive outlook on things…”

I wondered if I would be part of the “outlook” she sought.

…No, even if I weren’t part of it, Edamoto-san would turn around, find me, and make the place she had turned to her new outlook. Maybe being in love meant changing your course, at least a little bit.

“Well, cheers!”

It was difficult to even smile vaguely at her unfaltering voice.

 

“Hmm…yeah? Hm…”

“What’s wrong?”

Edamoto-san continued to speed along as she craned her head toward me. I was afraid she would hurt her neck from whipping it around so fast.

“Well, we’re walking together on campus, so…”

“Yes?”

“I was just wondering how this is any different from before.”

The day after I gave my response to Edamoto-san’s confession, our ordinary routine had continued on. Even our surroundings hadn’t changed. The college was bustling, the wind that breezed by was occasionally loud and unpleasantly warm, and the world seemed almost besieged by cicadas.

Edamoto-san and I existed within a section of that world. It was true—I couldn’t find a difference.

“There’s gotta be something, though. Otherwise, I feel like nothing’s changed.”

“………”

For a moment, I recalled my time with Touko.

How I deliberately chose not to change anything and acted accordingly.

I considered who I had become: scared of change—cautious—a coward.

These days, I felt like I understood a bit of how Touko must have felt.

“Well then…”

When I tried to part ways with her, since we were going to different lectures, Edamoto-san raised her right hand and pointed in a random direction.

Automatically, my eyes followed.

“What is it?”

“Sayaka-senpai, I love you lots,” Edamoto-san declared with a big smile.

For a moment, a heat haze seemed to appear over the scenery, as though the sun were quivering behind my back.

This was quite a passionate goodbye.

“What makes you say that all of a sudden?”

“Just wanted to make sure.”

Sure of what? Before I could ask, Edamoto-san had already started walking.

“Lots, she says…” I echoed the word under my breath as I put my hand on my hip unconsciously and looked away.

Even though I wasn’t the one who said it, the amount of embarrassment I felt bubbling up within me was considerable.

“Looove yooou looots!” she added loudly, waving her hand wildly from afar.

“Stop that.”

I muttered my response too quietly for her to hear.

While I hesitated over whether to wave back at her, Edamoto-san vanished before I could decide. How bold of her to just do whatever she liked… Ah, but I guess what she liked was me, so perhaps I should say she was acting self-centered? But I was being self-centered, too—in fact, I was the only one being selfish here.

How could I ask her to stay by my side if I didn’t love her in return?

What an awful thing to do to a underclassman, I must say.

I couldn’t lead her on for too long just on a whim. No—I shouldn’t lead her on, period.

Something like guilt ate away at me a little at a time whenever we were apart.

Did Edamoto-san resent me for behaving this way?

“Probably not…”

I could tell just by observing her attitude.

Normally, Edamoto-san would have just said goodbye earlier and left it at that.

But if she did that, it would be no different from before.

If nothing was going to change, she would change things herself.

I’m sure she was trying her hardest—to the point where she didn’t have the capacity to think about my complex feelings.

She was a very good person, I thought.

But as basic as this problem might be, I didn’t feel love for her from the bottom of my heart.

…But did that really mean it wouldn’t work?

If we weren’t completely enamored with each other, could we not date?

Was that the only shape love could take?

What does it mean to be completely enamored?

I did think Edamoto-san’s affection for me was pure, if not exactly complete. She wasn’t hiding behind frivolity, like Senpai had been. Surely, responding to that would feel nice.

We would be able to create a very comfortable relationship, I’m sure.

And yet, I kept scrutinizing her affection.

…So that I wouldn’t make a mistake this time.

…For a moment, I had the fleeting thought that if it wasn’t going to work out, it would be better not to try it in the first place.

But if that was how I really felt, then I would have turned her down right away.

I wanted to find a different answer, one that didn’t seem like it was lurking down in a hole.

Not something dark but something bright.

I looked up at the sky, almost as though I were looking up from within the water.

Before I knew it, my eyes were blinded by the sunlight, and I shielded them with my hand.

The back of my eyes felt heavy after absorbing all that light at once. Until I became acclimated to it, the scenery seemed to spin.

Beyond the palm of my hand, the sun slipped under the cover of clouds, and the light gradually weakened.

Seeing the opportunity, I moved away my hand. The sun’s radiance was weak enough to observe even with my naked eyes.

It wasn’t as though there was some answer waiting for me beyond that blinding light.

I knew that no matter what conclusion I reached, the glitter of the sun wouldn’t change.

The shape of the clouds and the blueness of the sky wouldn’t change, either. They would continue to flow along just the same.

But my worries were still large enough to shake an entire world.

It was all an issue of my heart.

 

When I got home, I had the notion to call a friend of mine for the first time in a while.

It was something that I could talk to her about later if she didn’t pick up, but the call immediately connected.

“Oh, it’s Sayaka.”

My high school friend’s voice sounded like an entirely different person over the phone.

“It’s been a while.”

“Who is that? Oh, sounds like Sayaka.”

I heard another voice on the line.

It was Manaka, who lived with Midori, joining in on the conversation as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“Sayaka, you’re so mean. This is the third time now.”

“The third time?”

“That you called Midori but not me.”

“Erm…yes, I suppose so.”

I wondered why she would know the number of times I’d called and then realized it was because they were always together. In that case, it didn’t really matter which of them I called, since I could talk to both of them either way. But I supposed that was why Manaka was complaining that I still called Midori rather than her.

I hadn’t even realized I was doing that until she pointed it out.

In high school, when we entered our third year and changed classes, I wound up in the same class as Midori. Since we were separated from Manaka, I supposed I might have become closer to Midori. My priorities were such that I would automatically dial Midori when I called. Although, that might be based more on their personalities than anything.

The drastic differences that can come about from such minor reasons are one aspect of relationships that make them so curious and interesting, and requires careful attentiveness.

“Well, I thought we’d end up going off-topic if I called you, Manaka.”

“Yeah, fair enough.”

With that ready admission, the discussion was over. Manaka was quick to speak and quick to finish.

The only one who could keep up with her pace was probably Midori.

“So, I’d like to ask you for something that might be a little strange.”

“Something strange? Oh, this sounds good. I’d sure be interested in your strange side.”

“That’s true. We’ve only ever seen Sayaka being normal.”

I felt like they were taking this as an opportunity to drag me. What did it mean for me to be normal, though? It was easy enough to picture my abnormal self—I just had to think back to when I was drunk. Right now, that was a side of me that only Edamoto-san knew.

“All right, then, here comes the weird request.”

“I’m going to try my hardest to be weird, too.”

“You don’t even have to try to be weird.”

I lightly cleared my throat, though privately I agreed. Even though I trusted them, it was still a somewhat embarrassing thing to ask from friends. But it would be even worse to ask someone I wasn’t this close with.

What I wanted to know was the subtle difference that made.

“I want you to try telling me you love me.”

After I said it, I felt like it was sort of a very arrogant request.

Or maybe it just sounded like I was starved for affection.

“Although if you don’t love me, I wouldn’t want to force you.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Uh, um, should I say it?”

“Or me?”

“For now, let’s go with Midori.”

“Aw, I got rejected.”

I had no idea what Midori had done to the lamenting Manaka, but lighthearted shrieks reached me—“Take that” and “Ahh!”

Should I be concerned about that?

“Okay, I’m going to say it.”

Midori paused for a moment and mumbled, “This is embarrassing.” Then she spoke: “I love you, Sayaka.”

“Thank you…”

The appreciative love from my friend reached me and blew through me like a spring breeze.

It was fleeting and didn’t dwell in my chest.

“Oh, you just cheated on me.”

I almost burst out laughing at Manaka’s response. And I couldn’t hold it back when Midori replied to her.

“She asked me to say it, so it’s not cheating, plus it wouldn’t be cheating in the first place… Also, why are you even talking about cheating?”

“Well, I’m pretty sure you’ve never told me that you love me before, Midori.”

“Uh, ah…I haven’t?”

“I don’t think so.”

In a close relationship, sometimes people neglect to express those kinds of sentiments.

Even I couldn’t recall the last time my family had exchanged the words I love you with each other.

Of course, it was a given that you loved them.

But maybe people ought to check in with each other’s feelings more on a daily basis, just like how we examine facilities and equipment so they don’t fail.

I knew you couldn’t see the heart or emotions, yet I was still superficial about them.

Emotions were living things and circulated as certainly as the air.

Just as how, at some point, Touko had come to love Koito-san and had left my side.

“Oh, I know. Hey, Sayaka, try telling me you love me.”

“Huh? Me?”

This time, Manaka was making that request of me. While I was stunned into silence, Midori jabbed, “What are you doing, cheating right out in the open like that?”

“Well, I just had the idea…”

“Maybe if you didn’t blurt out every idea that pops into your head…”

“………”

So I was going to say it too, then. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.

“I love you, Manaka.”

Even though it was my own request that started it, I felt a little embarrassed doing this with my friends.

“Ooh, that’s nice.”

Manaka didn’t seem to be bashful at all—she was delighted.

“Midori, you say it, too.”

Manaka asked Midori for seconds like a kid begging for more candy, to which Midori replied in an exasperated voice, “For some reason, I don’t want to.”

“Huh? You don’t love me?”

“What? No, I do love you, but…”

Maybe Midori was acting annoyed as a way to hide her embarrassment.

“Wow, what should I do? You both confessed your love to me. Two-timing isn’t good, though.”

“Yeah, it really is no good.”

At this point, Midori was just going with it.

“You two can forget about me and live happily ever after together.”

“What? Et tu, Sayaka?”

“All right. I’ll accept your feelings, then, Midori.”

“Wooow, I’m sooo happy.”

I almost ended up sputtering with laughter at Midori’s deadpan voice.

Time seemed to turn back when I talked to them, making me recall our high school classroom.

“I’ve been rejected,” I muttered quietly. Of course, all I really felt was calm clarity.

It really is different, I became clearly aware.

It wasn’t like with Edamoto-san. If anything, I supposed it was Edamoto-san who was the special case.

My friends’ ideas showed me an answer in a way I never would have come up with. I felt like such opportunities came up often with Manaka. Even if she didn’t seem to be thinking at all—no, even if she really wasn’t thinking—she still seemed to be able to see certain things clearly.

“Sorry, Sayaka. I love the cats at your house, too.”

“Do you? I’ll let them know later.”

Though I might have been giving her too much credit.

“Oh, cats are great. Hey, Midori, I’d like to live with a cat.”

“We’re not allowed to have pets here.”

“Not right now, but in a little while. After we finish college.”

“You mean I’m going to be with you even after we graduate, Manaka? …Will that happen? I wonder…”

“I’ll be the one to decide on the cat’s name. If I left it to you, I feel like you’d end up naming it after a military commander.”

“If we’re going to get a pet, I think I’d prefer a bird…”

“Whaaat? Why?”

“Well, because I like birds better. Plus, I’ve already got something close enough to a cat.”

“But all birds have got are feathers.”

“I don’t understand what you mean about saying that’s all they’ve got. I mean, all cats have got are tails.”

“Um.”

“No, they’ve got ears, too—you know, cat ears. Like this. And Midori, you know what, you’re—”

“Can I hang up?”

“Just listen for a little longer.”

Why?

In the end, I ended up silently listening to them talk for about twenty minutes after that.

It was noisy, unproductive, and not boring in the least.

 

“Senpai, I love you lots.”

“You love saying ‘I love you lots’ a lot, don’t you?”

Though these confessions of love were meant to be like surprise attacks, I had gotten slightly used to them.

“Huh? I never thought that you’d confess your love so passionately to me, Senpai.”

“You do know…”

“Kidding, kidding.”

That day, Edamoto-san had invited me over for lunch, so I went to her apartment.

The sound of the air conditioning working hard was rattling overhead, as though it had replaced the cicadas.

In actuality, I had planned to go to the library during my spare time, but I supposed there would be no point trying to read if Edamoto-san was with me. Most of all, when I was in this room, I stopped wanting to leave until time was up.

There wasn’t a single place on campus where I could relax this much.

“Just so you know, your confession already got through to me.”

Since she kept telling me she loved me, I thought that she might not realize I had understood that.

“No, that’s not the issue.” Edamoto-san shook her head. “I just feel like if you don’t make sure something is clear, it’ll start to fade. So, I just wanted to make sure my feelings are clear, to the point you can almost see them. I think that’s really hard to do, though.”

Edamoto-san spoke lightly while scooping wakame seaweed for the miso soup, not making it sound particularly difficult. But considering Edamoto-san’s clear voice, I felt like she probably could accomplish that.

It was as though her voice remained in my ears almost like stone… It had real substance.

“Well, it might not be working out too well, but I just couldn’t think of anything else.”

Edamoto-san laughed awkwardly and glossed over it.

“Is that why you say you love me lots?”

“I couldn’t think of anything else,” she repeated again, as though she were pushing against a hard wall. Even if she couldn’t think of something, she took action anyway.

The resolution I lacked, Edamoto-san had in spades—to a dangerous degree.

She seemed to have a clear sense of what people around her liked and disliked, too.

“When I talk to you, I feel like there are so many things I should be learning from you, Edamoto-san.”

“Y-You think so?”

That kind of compliment made Edamoto-san bashful
like a normal person. I felt like there were a lot of other things that she should have been embarrassed about, though.

“But if I keep learning from you, then even I might end up becoming more like you, Edamoto-san.”

“Oh, that wouldn’t be good.”

Edamoto-san acted like she was seriously concerned by my joke.

“I love you the way you are right now, Sayaka-senpai.”

When Edamoto-san declared her affections casually, it caught my interest somehow.

“What do you mean about loving me how I am right now?”

I couldn’t help reacting to how she spoke as though she knew something even I did not.

But she responded quite clearly to my abstract question.

“The Sayaka-senpai I see in front of my eyes is everything. I can’t explain it any other way.”

Her declaration brushed along my skin even more strongly than the breeze blowing from the air conditioner.

Edamoto-san continued, “I don’t care about a person’s dark side or what they’re really thinking anymore. I don’t understand all that, and I probably never will, but…what’s important is that you’re smiling right now and that you’re happy… That’s what matters to me. Sorry I can’t really find the right words for it. But I think that your thoughts always show up on your face. That’s why I love everything I can see of you right now, and that’s all I need to know.”

Edamoto-san’s voice rang out along with the ceaseless breeze, appealing to me with her expression and gestures as well. She really never hesitated or worried about people’s inner thoughts; she just bared her emotions and told me she loved me. No one could hear all that without feeling bashful, or without being deeply moved.

“You said you couldn’t explain it, but you actually did a pretty decent job.”

Edamoto-san grinned proudly, and I chuckled a little. Then…

“Sayaka-senpai, what do you see me as?”

She put down her chopsticks and asked me a question of her own. She peered into my eyes, as she did so requesting a response.

What was Edamoto Haru to me?

When I kept looking at her, what I could make out was still an outline. But I knew the significance of that shape. I lowered my hand, too, having stopped eating long ago.

“Could you try telling me you love me again?”

It seemed she hadn’t been expecting my request. Edamoto-san froze momentarily, like someone had pressed pause on a remote. When she felt the sensation of her sweat and shuddered from it, she finally restarted.

“Haven’t I been saying that pretty much every day?”

“You have, but I wanted to ask you to do it now.”

Edamoto-san averted her eyes and screwed up her face.

“Sayaka-senpai, you really are a little weird after all.”

“What do you mean, after all?”

Ignoring my question, Edamoto-san coughed to clear her throat.

As she stretched her arms and back, her voice seemed even clearer.

“I love you, Sayaka-senpai.”

She might have been calmer since her confession ended up somewhat formal.

That confession of love came down on my entire self like a heat wave.

It went straight past the surface and burned, certainly, through my insides.

“Uh-huh, uh-huh.” I nodded twice, as though I were scrutinizing it.

“Huh? What was that? What’re you nodding about?”

In order to evade Edamoto-san’s pursuit, I turned to face forward momentarily.

Even when I closed my eyes, something hot seeped in from beyond my eyelids.

I hadn’t fallen in love with her at first sight. I didn’t feel a jolt that day, like I did when I first saw Touko.

So it was so difficult to understand.

But even so…

Though I tried to resist for a bit, it seemed I had reached my limit now.

Even with my eyes closed, it was like I could still see something warm out there.

“Your love is different, isn’t it?”

“Huh?”

When she said she loved me, it came through my ears and reached my chest in the same way as anyone else’s voice might, but…

Somewhere along the way, it turned into something different from a friend’s love.

Perhaps emotions can occasionally surpass science and common sense.

“You know, I think…”

There was a faint warmth—smoldering, like it was seeping out from underneath firewood.

There were faint signs of that in Edamoto-san’s tenderness.

In other words, if her love already felt special to me now, then…

“All I can anticipate is that I’m going to fall in love with you.”

If I came to love her, I would begin to change again.

I was frightened of embarking on that change, so drastic that it would surprise even myself, but nevertheless…

“So if you don’t stay in love with me until I fall in love with you, that would be a problem.”

I had spent so long running after someone on a one-way road without ever getting anywhere.

It was about time that I put an end to such things.

So, I finally gave her a real response.

“Let’s date, Edamoto-san.”

That was my answer.

I tried to make an effort to say it gently, but it still seemed to be a massive shock to Edamoto-san.

She leapt up from her floor cushion and then awkwardly stopped partway through as though her head had hit an imaginary roof. Next, she staggered. She righted herself and came back down to me. But then, she immediately stood up again. Just as she had once said herself, she really didn’t know the meaning of calm.

But the way she kept moving regardless might be a good match for me.

“Really?”

“I hate it when people joke about such things or say it was just a game, so I would never say it myself.”

Even though I had recalled something unpleasant as an example, I think I was probably still smiling.

“R…r…reall…”

Edamoto-san began to emit some strange noises. Then she cleared her throat to divert away from that and immediately choked. Her constant changes were like a ball bouncing around the room.

As she tried to once again approach me, Edamoto-san voiced an, “Oh,” and wiped her forehead and neck with a handkerchief she had pulled out of her bag. Maybe she had thought it would be rude to come near me while sweaty. Was she trying to be considerate or something else?

She really was a strange girl.

“I’m not sure how to put this… Uh, this is really happening, right? Yeah, it has to be since you’re beautiful, Sayaka-senpai!”

“What kind of reasoning is that?”

What must my face have looked like in her dreams?

“I’m more worried about you,” I added. “Don’t you get bored of things easily?”

“Oh, about that.”

Edamoto-san looked into my eyes. Steadily, a warm hue spread across her face.

Then she offered me her outstretched hand.

“I’m going to find all kinds of new aspects of you every day, Sayaka-senpai. So I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I see…”

What a very Edamoto-san answer. By now, I had gotten to know her well enough that I could confidently think such things.

Edamoto-san would reassure herself by looking for constant changes within me.

In turn, I would be assured by finding something in her that was unchanging… That was the feeling I had as I took her hand. As I grasped it, I looked at her face as though for the first time.

She was unlike anyone I had met until now. Her bearing was a far cry from any of the people I had previously fallen for. And, right now, I was trying to accept her.

Thus, that was how I came to date Edamoto Haru.

 

After that, it was my turn to have a sleepless night.

No matter how hard I tried or how many times I tossed and turned, it yielded no results, so I gave up in the end. I pulled off the thin comforter and sat up.

It was like there was light in the back of my eyes and closing them was no use.

As I gazed at the wall in my pitch-black room, I remembered how I hadn’t been able to sleep the day I started dating Yuzuki-senpai, either. Maybe idiosyncrasies like that just never got better.

Leaving the lights off, I absentmindedly passed the time. Though I felt fidgety, I didn’t feel sick. I felt something through my fingertips like tension and excitement mixing together, as though something were about to start.

Since everyone else in the house, the cats included, was naturally asleep, my home was the very picture of tranquility. I couldn’t even hear the cries of the insects beyond my window, as if they didn’t want to disturb the quiet. Tonight, there weren’t even many sounds from the rest of the neighborhood; it was quiet enough to even feel deserted.

Somehow, I felt I could almost see the stars beyond my closed curtains. Were those stars glittering from within me, or was I taking in their light?

What light source was currently shining on me?

“………”

When Edamoto-san couldn’t sleep, I wondered if she ever left her apartment for a casual nighttime stroll. I was a little jealous of that ability, a privilege reserved for those who lived alone.

…I wondered whether Touko also had times like those, living alone. How was my friend spending her nights?

I had used distance, busyness, and all kinds of excuses to not see Touko directly.

I wondered if the day would come when I would ask Touko for advice about Edamoto-san.

My thoughts kept multiplying, making it even harder to sleep.

In the end, I welcomed the morning after a mostly sleepless night.

A bit after I got out of my bed, which hadn’t fulfilled its purpose, a feeling gradually and vaguely rose up in me.

“I have a girlfriend.”

I said it without thinking. Then, I walked around the room restlessly. It was light outside now. The town and people were on the move. I felt flustered by that and walked around and around as though trying to catch up to it. Of course, such a gesture was meaningless.

Edamoto Haru. The girl who was a year younger than me. Energetic, a little restless, with hair tied up in a little ponytail that looked cute when it wiggled…my underclassman. She constantly smiled at me, so when I thought of her, that radiant expression appeared before my eyes. Just as her name indicated, she seemed to be clad in sunlight.

This would be my second time dating someone.

I didn’t have good memories from the first time…but perhaps it only seemed that way because I could only remember the unpleasant parts. That was the kind of person Senpai had been, but I did have feelings for her at the time, and I was sure that she had once made a smile come across my face and made my heart bound.

I couldn’t say whether this new relationship would last long enough to call it forever, either. But even if our paths separated and we had to part ways, I wanted to have lots of good memories. That was my first thought.

“So, then…what should we do first?”

Inexperienced as I was, I couldn’t immediately string together which steps should happen, or when. In the past, Senpai had beckoned me over and we had talked, occasionally over the phone, and that was about it. I had already done those things with Edamoto-san. Was that enough? What were college students supposed to do?

As I was moving around, I felt a gaze on me; when I looked into the hallway, the tortoiseshell cat was staring at me.

It was rare for both of us to be up so early.

“G-Good morning.”

I became flustered as I wondered whether my cat had seen everything, and greeted it awkwardly. It left in silence without bothering to enter my room. I felt a sense of déjà vu.

Having finally been stopped by my cat’s gaze, my own eyes went to my hair that had come undone and fallen across my shoulders.

I took my hair in my hand and watched it flow down between my fingers.

My long hair made me feel a definite sense of time.

But I had gotten caught up in that slightly and let it get too long.

Putting it this way might be a little blunt, but…it was irrelevant now.

“All right.”

After deciding what I would do first, I stopped loitering and changed.

I left my room and washed my face. The water was somewhat lukewarm from the summer’s influence, but it got rid of the filminess that had formed over my face from my lack of sleep. Oddly enough, I wasn’t tired. I grew less and less concerned about my fatigue.

Having found an immediate goal, I started walking quickly like Edamoto-san.

I tried to start walking so I would be pulled into the cheerfulness, brilliance, and light.

But just as I went to pick out my shoes, I turned around and saw the gloom of the house’s hallway.

“Wait, I didn’t do it yet.”

I finally realized that once I had gotten all the way to the entryway, and scurried back.

Even then, my stride was quicker than usual.

 

After my second lecture ended, I asked Edamoto-san, “Where are you now?”

“On campus” was her vague response.

Her next text came a few seconds later. “Let’s meet!”

“That was the intent.”

After we decided the meeting spot in our replies, I put away my phone and faced forward.

I fixed the cord of my bag and took a step. My body moved as I consciously made an effort to go forward. Once I exited the lecture building, the strong light showered me with all it had, and I sped up with my quickening breaths.

I was sure Edamoto-san would come running, so I decided to hurry, too. I wondered how long it had been since I had dashed off somewhere. As people get accustomed to living and learn how to better use their time, they run less often, I think. It’s important to have spare time, but occasionally there are things you can only experience from trying to run—maybe.

Had I not met Edamoto-san, I likely wouldn’t have run at college up through my graduation.

It seemed like dating her would make every day busier…which wasn’t a bad thing.

I sprinted all the way there, but by the time I got to the front of the school cafeteria, Edamoto-san was already waiting. Just hurrying to the point that I was only lightly out of breath wouldn’t be enough to catch up with her, then. When I stopped, the heat that had followed close behind me seemed to close the distance and envelop me all at once.

It was enough to make me slightly regret running all the way there.

Perhaps I should take the weather into account when mimicking Edamoto-san.

Edamoto-san jogged over to me nimbly and then leapt back in surprise.

“Ooooh!” she exclaimed dramatically. Then, she approached me and stretched out her neck as though peeking behind me. She was acting like a child who had found something curious to look at.

“I cut my hair.”

I had changed my hairstyle, too, forming a small ponytail on the right side of my head, which probably helped her to notice immediately.

This was the step that I had decided to take first. I had severed the hair I’d let grow since graduating from high school.

“Does this have to do with, you know—with us dating?”

“I wonder if it does… I just sort of did it.”

“You just sort of did it?” Edamoto-san repeated. “No one’s heart has been broken yet, so it’s not related, then—yeah.”

“Mm-hmm.”

Edamoto-san’s easygoing way of thinking wasn’t far from the truth.

I had finally cut off what had been dragging me back a little, even if I claimed it was fine.

“You said you loved me when I had different hair, and now it’s suddenly short—what do you think?”

“Hmm, lemme see…”

Edamoto-san took three steps back and walked around me appraisingly.

“You’re beautiful.” Edamoto-san beamed as she reported her findings. “I think I might’ve fallen in love with you even more.”

She came straight towards me and brushed her fingers through my hair.

“I kind of can’t believe…um, that someone as beautiful as you would date me.”

Her eyes shone and at the same time wavered as if nervous about this concept. Her expressions were so nuanced.

“You’re not trying to trick me, are you?”

“And what if I were?”

For example, what if someone only yearned for love and didn’t care who it was with?

“Hmm…” Edamoto-san’s eyes wandered as she showed she was considering it.

Then, she pulled her hand away from my hair and smiled as a line of sweat glittered on her skin. Her smile was jovial and determined.

“If you keep tricking me forever, then I might not mind.”

Though she hadn’t said much, I felt interested in Edamoto-san’s flexible attitude.

If I were to continue to trick her, I would need to be by her side for the whole time. I see, I thought.

I liked when things had a reason. Even if it was one as tenuous as a connection.

“Like I said before, what I can see is everything to me.”

And it wasn’t as though tricking someone was always necessarily a bad thing.

Trying to show others a better version of yourself might even be a way of tricking each other with the other person’s feelings in mind.

I wasn’t so sure that Edamoto-san had thought it through that far, though.

“Did you sleep well yesterday?”

“I don’t remember much of what happened after you left, Sayaka-senpai, so yeah, probably.”

“Are you sure that’s really…”

I was one to talk considering the day I had gotten drunk, so I let the end of the sentence fade off.

“You look a little pale, though.”

“Yes, well, I couldn’t sleep much. I think I caught whatever you had, Edamoto-san.”

The cicadas’ cries reverberated in my sleep-deprived head without mercy. It felt like they were making my heavy head wobble, and I felt like I would end up groaning if I went off my guard. I wanted to avoid doing that in front of my underclassman.

“You can call me Haru.”

“You’re right.” When she inserted our usual exchange into the conversation, I agreed with her this time. “I suppose I’ll call you Haru from now on.”

I remembered that I had practiced with classmates in order to call Touko by her first name.

Compared to back then, this name came to my lips with ease.

But I still felt resistant somehow to calling Koito-san “Yuu.” I wondered what was so different, even though they were both underclassman.

Maybe there were just names that were easier to say.

As I contemplated all this, I noticed Edamoto-san’s astonishment.

“Whoa…”

Edamoto-san, or rather, Haru staggered as she backed away. She was always very busy with all this bouncing back and forth.

“What is it?”

“Well, I thought this was kind of a running gag, I guess, so I never thought the day you would actually call me that would come, and now here it is.”

As she talked, she came straight back to my side. She reminded me of how the toy balloons on rubber bands from temple festivals bounced back to one’s hand.

“Ummm… You can call me Edamoto-san, too…?”

“You’re quite confused, aren’t you?”

Haru. It was easy to say, and the word felt good to the tongue. Perhaps it was because it was a familiar word I already said in daily life—haru, like the word for spring.

“Haru is a good name.”

“It’s summer right now, though!” Haru’s face twisted into a smile and then she immediately covered it with her hands. “Sorry, that was a really bad joke.”

“It really was…”

I thought it would be hard to come up with anything worse. It was almost impressive that she’d peaked so easily.

“Um, well, right. Okay.”

“If you’re not sure what to say, then don’t say anything.”

Haru shook her head side to side reluctantly. Then, she hopped around again.

Putting aside her awful jokes, her actions were quite entertaining.

Watching Haru, who moved constantly even when expressing remorse, left little room for boredom.

“…I see.”

I realized the identity of the ambiguous premonition I’d had.

A cute girl who was funny, never boring, and who loved me very dearly.

Looking at it objectively, there were very few reasons why I wouldn’t fall in love with her.

 

>>Sayaka-senpai, do you have a favorite color?<<

 

>Why are you asking that out of the blue?<
>It’s actually a pretty difficult question to answer.<

 

>>Well, I was thinking…<<
>>…that it would be nice to pick that color when I buy clothes and stuff.<<

 

>Wouldn’t it be better if you just bought a color you like?<

 

>>Wouldn’t it be even better<<
>>…if you like them too, though?<<

 

>I suppose, maybe.<
>But I still think that it would be best if you choose based on your own likes.<
>Because I want to fall in love with you as you are.<
>…Haru?<

 

>>Ohh…<<

 

>What?<

 

>>That just felt like a ball hitting me smack dab in the face.<<

 

>What is that like?<
>And to at least give you an answer, I like green.<

 

>>Green, huh.<<
>>Spring is a pretty green, don’t you think?<<

 

>Hmm, not yellow?<
>Or cherry-blossom pink.<

 

>>Oh, I like that pink.<<
>>We got it.<<

 

>Did we?<

 

>>Then do you have a favorite food?<<
>>I think I asked you before, but I feel like if I ask you now…<<
>>…you’ll actually answer me this time.<<

 

>A favorite food…<
>Hmm…<
>Soba noodles.<

 

>>Soba?<<
>>So it’s soba…<<
>>Would you mind if the noodles weren’t handmade?<<

 

>Make sure to practice. That was a joke.<

 

>>Well, if you come by today, I’ll treat you to soba.<<

 

>I’m looking forward to it.<
>Also, to pay you back…<
>…I’ll treat you to something tomorrow.<

 

 

>Hey, Yuu. I know we made plans for tomorrow…but can I bring someone along?<

 

>>Sure, Saeki-senpai. Who is it? Touko-senpai? Oh, I guess it wouldn’t be her…<<

 

>How would that possibly make sense?<

 

>>I dunno…but when I’m staring off into space alone sometimes, I half-expect you and Touko-senpai to come by together.<<

 

>Right… I suppose that makes sense.<

 

>>Oh, is this a college friend? The one you talked about before?<<

 

>…Kind of, yes. I’m not sure how to put this. She’s not exactly a friend anymore.<

 

>>She’s not a friend? Did you get in a fight? Wait, I guess you wouldn’t bring someone you fought with…<<

 

>I guess it does still sort of feel like a friendship, too…<

 

>>I don’t really get it.<<

 

>Um, to put it simply…I want to introduce you to my girlfriend.<

 

>>Ohh, I see.<<
>>Okay…<<
>>Wait, what?<<

 

“So this is your turf, Sayaka-senpai?”

“You make it sound like I rule over it or something…”

The area around the college was filled with an extensive number of things, but Haru was delightedly looking around at the—though I hate to say it—simple streets. Even though there was nothing terribly interesting about it, she was excited as if she were on a trip. According to her own words, it had been a while since she had even ridden on a train.

“You haven’t gone back to your parents’ house?”

“Not since coming to college. I talk to them over the phone, but it’s a pain when the house is so far away.”

Haru bounced up and down as she tried to traverse the crosswalk by stepping exclusively on the white lines. Was she a little kid? On top of that, when I widened my stride a bit to try and keep up with her usual quick pace, I ended up also stepping only on the white lines myself. Now I felt like I had regressed back to elementary school right along with her.

“Maybe I’ll try visiting during summer vacation, though.”

After we crossed, Haru turned around. Unlike me, it seemed she didn’t mind getting tanned, so her skin was thoroughly browned. The way that sunburned face turned to me, and how she walked ahead as if pulling me along, brought back a certain illusory scent from my memories. The smell of chlorine intermingled with simmering summer air.

“I think that would be good. Even if they don’t say it, your parents probably miss you.”

“I wonder if that’s true… But yeah, if you’re saying it, then it must be right.”

Haru seemed convinced. It was troubling that she put so much confidence in me, though.

I might end up pushing myself too far out of a desire to live up to that.

When I walked with Haru in my hometown, even I wound up with the curious feeling that I had come from another land. Haru, my present, was mixing with the neighborhood I had spent my past in… The outlines were blurred, as though I were looking at the scene from underwater.

I’d hoped that we could meet at Miyako-san’s café, but unfortunately she was closed today.

So, instead of going out somewhere, we went to a friend’s house.

“A bookstore?”

“This is where my friend lives.”

Going past the front of the grocery store, I led her to an independent bookstore.

Looking up at its name, Haru wrinkled here nose.

“Uh-oh…I don’t even really read comics, never mind books. I wonder if we’ll be able to even hold a conversation.”

“It’s not like a bookseller only talks about books…”

Actually, I didn’t have many memories of talking to Koito-san about books at all. If anything, we usually discussed the student council during our high school days. When we occasionally met up these days, talking about recent personal news served as sufficient conversation. Especially since I could ask about Touko and all. Hearing from Koito-san about how she was doing always led to fruitful discussions. Today, I had once again come prepared with a topic of
discussion.

I lightly touched her shoulder as reassurance. Haru just tilted her head uncertainly.

It was rather new to me to not go through the bookstore but to go around it to the house in order to visit.

Koito-san came to greet us right away. Her eyes met with Haru next to me, and she said, “Welcome.”

“I’m Edamoto Haru. Nice to meet you.”

Koito-san responded with a smile to Haru’s self-introduction.

Seeing her and the change in her hairstyle, I found myself thinking, She’s really grown up so much.

Our ages only differed by a year, but I thought of her as if I were much older.

“This is the first time I’ve actually come into your house, isn’t it?”

“Is it? Oh, right. I haven’t been to your house before either, Saeki-senpai.”

Koito-san led us to her room. Then she left to get tea, so Haru and I waited together.

As I looked around the room, my eyes paused on the small planetarium projector beside the bed. It looked rather expensive. I wondered whether it was a hobby of Koito-san’s or a gift from Touko.

“That stuffed animal is pretty cute.”

Haru pointed at the top of the shelves. There was a cute leopard stuffed animal there, and next to it was a…what?

“It’s very, erm, round.”

“Round and cute.”

Haru was grinning, but I was wondering what in the world kind of creature this plush was supposed to be.

And yet, the round and squashed creature seemed to be to Haru’s tastes.

“Hmm…”

I touched my own face. I didn’t think it was round and squashed. At least, I hoped not.

For a number of reasons, I decided to pretend I hadn’t seen it.

Touko had likely come to this room before; I wondered what she thought of it.

Perhaps she had actually been so tense that she wound up acting strangely on her first visit.

After Koito-san returned with the tea and sat down, Haru shot me a questioning glance that seemed to ask, Am I allowed to say it? I thought that action was a little cute.

But, right.

“I already told her.”

“Oh.”

Haru scratched her cheek as though it was a letdown. Then, after pausing for a bit, she looked at Koito-san.

“So you already knew, huh?!”

Koito-san’s eyes grew wide, probably in surprise at how loudly Haru spoke. That’s just how she is, I smiled and played it off.

“You’ve very energetic—just as described.”

“That’s a kind way to put it.”

If I were to say it without mincing words, Haru was sometimes quite noisy. But I could tell where her voice was coming from no matter where I was on campus, so it was easy to meet up with her. Haru’s voice was loud, but I also felt that it was easy to understand.

Perhaps that was because she spoke without hesitation. She was always moving forward, just like her words.

Although I might have been biased to think of those traits in such a positive, accepting way.

“I’m Sayaka-senpai’s girlfriend,” Haru said, straightening up for some reason. “Oh, and my name is Edamoto Haru.”

Her self-introduction had come out in the wrong order. Also, she had already told Koito-san her name when we first arrived.

After she finished, Haru looked at me with like a bashful smile on her face.

“Saying it is so embarrassing that it makes my ears feel hot, but it also kind of makes me happy.”

“My…ears feel hot, too.”

I ended up touching them to check. But the itchiness that had come about there was not unpleasant.

Perhaps this was the same feeling of happiness that Haru was describing?

As Haru and I gazed at each other, both of us continued to get fidgety and warm.

“Umm, would it be better if I weren’t here?”

“This is your room.”

“It sure is.”

Koito-san lowered her eyebrows and smiled slyly. Seeing that, Haru greeted her in a fluster, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She pitched forward with momentum and became strangely formal.

“Likewise.”

Even Koito-san had been dragged along into the formalness. Both of them were usually a lot more lighthearted.

Plus, we had already greeted each other earlier.

“So Edamoto-san—”

“You can call me Haru.”

As I listened from the sidelines, I wondered whether she told everyone that.

Koito-san started to respond with something but then paused partway through and turned to me.

“What do you call Haru, Saeki-senpai?”

I was a bit unsure what she was checking for but answered anyway. “Just Haru.”

Though I had only started calling her by that name recently.

“Let’s go with Haru-chan, then.”

I wondered for a bit what that then meant… Had she refrained from calling Haru by the same name I used? I didn’t have the impression that Koito-san added “-chan” to the end of people’s names often, so she likely was doing just that.

I wasn’t opposed to such meticulous thoughts and consideration, though.

“You can call me by my first name, too.”

“So Yuu-chan, right? We’re the same age, aren’t we?”

“I’m a college first-year student.”

As a response, Haru raised her index finger. Koito-san put hers up, too, but more reservedly than Haru had.

After that, we drank the tea she had prepared. Koito-san observed us closely as we did so. When our eyes met, Koito-san put down her cup and asked, “Which one of you was the first to confess?”

While I was stumped as to how to reply for a moment, Haru answered easily. “Oh, it was me.”

“I see,” Koito-san’s eyes went between Haru and me.

What is that look? As I was failing to gauge what it meant, Koito-san said to Haru, “Confessing is scary, isn’t it?”

Haru’s eyes went wide momentarily, but she immediately and deeply agreed, “Yeah, it is.”

Even though the two underclassmen had exchanged only a few sympathetic words, it seemed that they were understanding each other.

Though I had confessed my love once, I hadn’t felt scared about it.

I might not have had the capacity to feel that.

Or perhaps being afraid that our relationship would crumble had become so routine that I was numb to it by then.

I felt that I had been in love with Touko for an overly drawn-out time.

That was probably how I was different from these two.

In particular, when it came to dealing with Touko, I couldn’t even imagine Koito-san’s distress.

After all, Touko was so stubborn and insistent on having her own way.

And so…

“You’ve worked quite hard all this time.”

I respected her from the bottom of my heart. Thus, I coupled that sentiment with some simple words and delivered them to her.

“…Thanks.”

Koito-san, who accepted that with an ambiguous smile, gave me a demure yet certain answer.

My kohai, whom I’d seen as a child, was all grown up.

Grown up enough to surpass me.

“Mrr.” Haru’s eyebrows twitched.

“What’s wrong?”

When I tilted my head at her quizzically, Haru turned not to me but to Koito-san.

“Yuu-chan, do you meet with Sayaka-senpai often?”

When Haru asked that, Koito-san seemed to glance at me as she answered, “Pretty often, I guess.”

“Yes, I suppose we meet up quite a bit. I don’t have as many other people to meet with anymore.”

“Mrrr…”

For some reason, Haru had a complex expression on her face. She pouted her lips and squinted.

“Since fewer of us stayed around after high school than I expected.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

Even the underclassmen from the student council had scattered after graduating. All of them had chosen their own path, as well. Koito-san and I might be the only ones commuting from our parents’ homes.

Although, it seemed Koito-san frequently went to spend the night at Touko’s place.

“You’re going to spend the night there today, too, aren’t you?”

When I guessed right, Koito-san’s eyes darted around, which was a little entertaining.

“Like I said, how do you know?”

Where is it? Koito-san patted down her body as though trying to comprehend a puzzle.

Since the way she was flustered was so fun to watch, I decided I still wouldn’t tell until she figured it out herself.

“It’s a secret.”

As I went on smiling, I occasionally heard a “mrr…” that sounded like a groan from beside me.

 

“Sayaka-senpai, did anything ever happen between you and Yuu-chan?”

“Huh?”

After we had talked for a while and left Koito-san’s house, Haru expressed that suspicion.

Even so, I couldn’t think of anything that had happened—nor a single reason for her to suspect that.

“There’s nothing you need to be suspicious about.”

“Well, it just seemed like you were relaxed, or you were enjoying being with her, or something.”

“Being with friends is supposed to be enjoyable, though.”

I thought I had offered a very plain response, but Haru’s eyebrows twisted as though she couldn’t accept that.

“Koito-san isn’t that kind of person,” I insisted.

What I felt for her stopped at friendship and absolutely would not budge from there.

That way felt clear and comfortable, after all.

I knew love was a lot muddier, and for better or worse, difficult to see through.

“Then it’s fine, I guess.”

It didn’t seem fine. Her tone was low and dissatisfied.

But this murky flow between Haru and I was just further proof that it was different.

“She’s a friend—that’s all.”

“There isn’t a difference between friendship and love. Since cherishing someone is everything,” Haru plainly disagreed. “So when I think about my family or my friends, or even you, I consider all of you my cherished loved ones. I hate to put it this way, but I think of how I prioritize everyone, too.”

Then, she checked for my response by peering into my eyes. This was no exam, and I wasn’t Haru’s teacher, either. And so, I thought that this was one possible answer, nothing more or less. There was no right or wrong.

“So that’s how you think, then, Haru.”

“Mm, I guess so. You don’t?”

“Well, I don’t dislike the idea of keeping things in order.”

I gave the thing I was feeling a name and put it away on the shelf. That way, it would be easier to pull back out when I needed it. It might not keep things feeling fresh and new, but I thought it was the appropriate thing to do.

On the other hand, Haru was a person who entrusted herself to the torrent of unnamed emotions that came to her. Though our sense of values and thoughts didn’t align at all…she was still here by my side right now.

“Hmm…”

“What are you thinking about?”

For once, she was walking so slowly that she might have even ended up behind me.

“How many family members do you live with?”

“Four. I live with my parents and grandparents.”

“All right, my target is fifth place!”

Haru held up her hand with her fingers widely outstretched and showed it to me.

“Fifth?”

“That’s my goal for the ranking of the people important to you.”

“Oh, so that’s what you mean… In that case, I also have two cats at home.”

“Cats, huh… So you’ve got cats…”

The fingers of her left hand slowly started to rise. She seemed to be hesitating over whether to put them down.

“My target is fifth place!”

It looked like she wasn’t going to compromise on that.

“Good luck.”

The cats were going to be tough to beat. I pictured the two cats, who had been with us so long that they were reaching old age, having a peaceful afternoon nap. That included the time I would run after them in elementary school.

“So in order to do that, first I’ll—I’ll…I’ll…”

“What are you going to do?” As Haru bobbed her head in sync with her distress, I teased her. Finally, she stuck her hand into her bag.

“Hey, want some candy?”

“You know what…” I rolled my eyes as Haru offered a strawberry candy to me. But, I took one anyway.

When I put the triangular pink hard candy into my mouth, my cheeks felt like they were puckering from the sweet-and-sour taste.

“I feel like trying to buy your favor one candy at a time is going to be pretty tough,” Haru said, popping a candy into her mouth as well. “Since I’m not sweet, after all. My fingers aren’t sweet to taste, and they wouldn’t bring you happiness.”

“That almost sounds deep.”

“Nah, I’m just saying whatever comes to mind.”

While she rolled the candy in her mouth, Haru smiled.

“But, even if it’s not as much as your family, if I’m not at least a little important to you…it’d just make me uneasy, you know?”

She sped up as she spoke her mind. It was like the small dissatisfaction of a child.

I listened to her and decided to deliberately treat it like a joke.

“If you’re so worried, then why don’t you just be important to me?”

“I’m working on it.” As though trying to act confident, Haru responded with a smile. “Sayaka-senpai, make sure you hurry up and fall in love with me.”

“I’m trying my hardest.”

As we walked together, when I looked over and saw my underclassman by my side, I felt something like relief.

Just as hair could grow very long unnoticed, it seemed hearts could change without you realizing it.

 

“I feel like it’s been forever since I last saw you, Sayaka-chan.”

“Stop calling me Sayaka-chan.”

That was my first response to my friend.

While drinking tea under a gigantic parasol, I followed the goings-on of college students with my eyes for no reason in particular. My friend was slumped on the table.

“The others have been saying they haven’t seen you lately either, Sayaka.”

“Have they?”

I had a thought as to why, but I lightly brushed it off. Of course it was because I was always meeting with Haru.

It seemed when it came to love, I was the type that leaned towards becoming neglectful of other things. As always, I was terribly biased when it came to what I was interested in.

I wondered whether it was the same for others, like Koito-san or Touko.

“Did you get a boyfriend, too, Sayaka?”

“It’s not like that.”

I smiled and brushed it aside. It really was like that, though. I sipped my straw a bit then thought, Hm?

“What do you mean by ‘too’?”

“Since my other friends seem to be putting tons of effort into that.”

My crushed friend let out a few groans. I had noticed an increased number of lecture absences recently; apparently this was the reason. Maybe others weren’t that different from me after all.

I didn’t really care, but my friend who was facedown babbled like a cicada that had fallen from a tree.

“It’s like, y’know…”

“Ah.”

As I was offhandedly agreeing with my rambling friend, I saw Haru in the crowd. She was walking briskly through on her own, as though she were ignoring the flow. It looked like she was headed to the gate. As I followed her with my eyes, she seemed almost to notice my gaze, and turned toward us.

Haru’s face lit up, but once she glanced at my friend beside me, she lowered her head and started walking off.

“I feel like I’ve seen that underclassman before.”

“Right.”

There was another instance when I was with this friend and saw Haru walk away.

What was different this time was that I stared in the direction that she had left.

Our relationship…

I thought about it for a bit and then went on the move.

“I just realized I have to do something,” I lied and stood up from my seat. Maybe that was too blunt?

But if I didn’t hurry, I wouldn’t be able to catch up with Haru.

“Oh, even Sayaka has abandoned me…” my friend lamented while pretending to cry.

“Sorry.”

“I’m joooking. See ya.”

She raised her unreliable hand and waved it like a flag as she watched me go.

My flippantly smiling friend was reasonable about it, but she didn’t move at all in the end.

I left behind my friend, who remained immobile as though she had used up all her strength, and followed after Haru’s back. Haru was quick, so I never would be able to close in on her by walking. This is such a bother, I laughed to myself as I started to run.

Of course, after running for a short while, I was soon within arm’s reach of Haru as she quickly walked along.

I tapped her and then stopped by her side and lightly steadied my breathing.

I had to run, but having an outcome made me feel like I accomplished something, too.

After she looked up at me when I came by her side, Haru turned around to glance behind us.

“Are you sure it’s okay?”

“I wouldn’t have come if I wasn’t.”

I had done the thing that I had wanted to. That was all.

I regretted that back when I was dating Senpai, it had ended without me doing what I wanted even a single time.

Although perhaps I was just being stubborn and selfish.

When I was in junior high, and even during my time in high school, I think I had been a good girl.

I think that I had been bound by virtue until I was unable to move.

This time, if I didn’t move, she might get away.

“Okay. Good.” Haru’s white teeth peeked out as though she were acknowledging me.

“It’s a little late to ask this now that I’ve already followed you, but where were you going? Did you have something you needed to do?”

If she were doing something, then there was a chance I would get in her way if I were to follow her.

“I was planning on going home to eat something, but…what do you think about coming along?”

“That sounds like a good plan.”

That was exactly where I wanted to go. We walked quickly, heading towards her apartment.

They say that time flies when you are with someone, but when it came to Haru and me, I felt like we would be able to make that time last a little bit longer.

 

“It looks like we’re making use of your tableware, Sayaka-senpai.”

Haru smiled happily as she prepared lunch after we got to the apartment.

“I think they’ve already more than made up for their cost.”

As I appraised the results of today’s meal, Haru accepted that with an agreeable smile.

While we rested after eating, I absentmindedly thought that I might eventually need to get a toothbrush to keep here, too. But if I did that, it would seem like we were living together. I hadn’t had a sleepover so far since coming to college, but even that might be a matter of time.

Would my family, other than my perceptive grandmother, comment on that change in me?

I wondered a bit whether Koito-san had explained Touko to her family.

Haru took a glance at me after she finished the dishes and broke out into a smile. Then, she walked over to me. As I inexplicably thought of my cats walking down my house’s hallway, Haru came around behind me. I partially turned around, wondering what she was doing, but Haru leaned on me from behind and clung to my back.

Since it was so sudden, for a moment, everything in front of my eyes seemed to nearly go blank. I suppose this is what people would call being flurried.

“Oh, sorry. Did I surprise you?”

When I heard her voice whisper from the side of my ear, I shivered.

I was about to bluff “not at all,” but when she was so close, I felt like she would figure out my lie, so I didn’t.

“I guess I’m just…not used to it.”

“Used to what?”

“Being clung to.”

Her breath that brushed my neck was ticklish. Then, as though to close the gap even further, Haru pushed her body closer to me. My shoulders twitched and I stiffened, but I could tell Haru was smiling.

“Listen, you…”

“This is a good bargain, if clinging to you is all it takes to see your cute side.”

When I glared sideways at my underclassman, who was getting carried away, she pulled her head back a bit.

“…Well, I’ll just think of you as a very large cat.”

If I didn’t think in that way, I knew my chest would tighten strangely and I would tense up.

The slight smell of sweat from Haru mixed together with her natural scent and reached me.

“Sayaka-senpai, you have cats at home, right? Two of them?”

“I do. Why, do you like cats?”

“I do, but I have to admit I like dogs better.”

I squinted my eyes when I told her my opinion, and Haru didn’t make any sign of changing hers to agree with me.

I wasn’t angry—I was just thinking back on the past.

I had read a type of novel I didn’t particularly like on Senpai’s suggestion and even lied that I enjoyed it.

As a result, I’d gotten her to smile, but had I been more honest…

…maybe I wouldn’t have regretted it as much.

“Looks like we don’t agree.”

“I think that might be a good thing, though, yeah?”

“I think so, too.”

If another person was going to cling to me like this, I wanted to feel differences between us. Haru put her arm around my neck and leaned in, then remained there unmoving. When I thought about it, it really was my first time touching someone so close. After all, Yuzuki-senpai hadn’t been trying to get close to me, but to love itself.

But Haru was definitely seeking me.

At present, she was unusually silent, her gaze intently pressing in on me. She wasn’t focusing on my face. When I tried searching for where she could be looking, it seemed to be lower than my shoulders. If I kept going and pinpointed it…

“So, Sayaka-senpai…” Haru started to say something. But then her eyes immediately shifted away. “Actually, amazingly enough, I realize this might not be a good thing to say.”

“I won’t get mad, so why don’t you say it?”

In point of fact, I felt my curiosity bubbling as to how Haru might make me mad. At the very least, I thought she was more of a good girl than me. How would a girl like that provoke my anger? I waited, slightly excited about it.

“Okay then, here we go…”

“Yes?”

“You’ve got pretty big breasts.”

“………”

I realized the meaning of Haru’s gaze up to this point.

“Hey, you said you wouldn’t get mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

I just didn’t know how to respond. No one had ever said that so boldly to my face before.

Although it wasn’t my face she was looking at. I averted my eyes.

“I don’t mean it in a harass-y way. It’s a totally normal observation, really.”

“That’s an excuse a harasser would say.”

“It’s just, y’know, I don’t have much going on there myself, so I’m a little jealous.”

“I’m sure you’ll develop more, Edamoto-san.”

“You’re being so cold!”

I ended up automatically calling her Edamoto-san again.

“I guess we’re starting over as friends again, huh? That’s a downer.”

“That was obviously a joke.”

Probably. As we looked at each other from up close, we both broke into smiles.

It might have been part of my imagination, but I felt like Haru had moved away from my back slightly.

“You know, just being able to look up close like this makes me happy.”

“You mean at my chest?”

“Your face! Obviously I mean your face!”

When I said the thing that had come to mind based on the flow of conversation, Haru adamantly denied it. Her insistence was a little suspicious.

The silence continued for a little while.

“Oh, right. Senpai, let’s go to the pool.”

“…Aren’t you being a little obvious?”

Maybe she had invited me the last time as a result of being guided by her ulterior motives.

Haru gulped and froze for a moment. But she immediately switched gears and became serious.

“Okay, I’ll just come out and say it, then. I want to see you in a bathing suit.” Haru wiggled on top of my shoulders. “Is that so bad?”

“It’s not bad so much as…”

It put me in an awkward spot when she said something like that directly to me.

I remembered the day when the student council went to the pool. My eyes kept following Touko the whole time.

I couldn’t judge Haru.

“Please, won’t you show me?”

Now she was asking me that sincerely. Since her expression and attitude kept changing all over the place, I almost felt like I was going to burst out laughing.

“Soon, then.”

“So now someday has turned into soon, huh?”

Haru chortled, but she wasn’t discouraged at all.

“Would tomorrow work?”

“You really are bold, aren’t you…”

I felt like she was going to wear me down.

It seemed Haru had enough power to chase my verbal promise of someday, overtake it, and make it come true. I felt almost as though she had retained the energy of a child even into adulthood, and was going to pull me along with her absorbed way of living. Though I didn’t dislike that sensation, it was just that I had been there before.

“………”

I imagined the surface of a pool, rippling quietly.

A pool from some time in the past. The sight that I witnessed in the water.

I wondered what it was that I had discovered that day. Would I be able to face it as the person I was now?

…At any rate, that was how this wound up happening.

“When you said that we were going to the pool, I didn’t think this was where you meant…”

It was the next day, Friday. I accompanied Haru, who had actually set up plans. But as it turned out, we weren’t even leaving the college grounds.

“And it’s just our college’s pool.”

“It’s only during certain hours, but they open it up for public use.”

C’mon, c’mon! Haru was giddy as she grabbed my hand. We were both students here, but they still charged us a usage fee. They explained to us that we had a designated time of about two hours starting now and told us where the changing room was. The woman in charge of guiding us also seemed to be a student.

“It says people with hangovers can’t go in.”

“Why are you looking at me right now…?”

As Haru read the warning we passed by, a refreshing smile appeared on her face.

“I didn’t really have a lot of time to think about choosing one, so I don’t know if I want you to see me in my swimsuit…”

“It’s fine.”

“And how is it fine, exactly?”

“You have a great foundation to work with, so no matter what bathing suit you wear, it’ll enhance your look.”

When she readily doled out compliments without showing any sign of bashfulness, I felt overpowered.

“Haru, you’re very straightforward about complimenting people.”

“Well, if you do it in a roundabout way, you might not get through to them,” Haru responded blithely, as though it were only obvious.

Sometimes her honesty was dazzling.

I’ll leave out what transpired when we went to change in the locker room.

When Haru saw me in my bathing suit, she pulled away as though she were literally taken aback.

“Whooaa, ohhhh, ahhhh.”

“Oh, hush.”

I pushed Haru’s shoulders as she made a racket like a seal, and headed to the pool.

“This might be my first time seeing your bare feet, Sayaka-senpai.”

“My bare feet…?” Was that her way of trying to convey how moved she was?

“Stand over there for a sec.”

Haru had me stop and then went around behind me. Then, she thoroughly looked me over.

“This is kind of embarrassing.”

“Oh, man…I can’t even. Yeah.”

Haru seemed like she was probably satisfied.

“Sayaka-senpai, you’re so…” Haru stopped with her mouth still open. With a frozen smile still on her face, her voice slipped out in a monotone. “…pretty.”

“You just covered up that you were going to say something else, didn’t you?”

When I pressed her, Haru looked in any direction but mine.

“You’re so lewd,” I said.

“Did you just say something?” Still refusing to face forward, Haru started to lightly jog away.

“That’s dangerous.”

I followed her. We passed the disinfection mats, and the scent of chlorine and the sound of water greeted me. It was a long and narrow pool divided into six lanes. It resembled the swimming school I had gone to in my elementary school days so strongly that I felt like I had shrunk.

“Looks like no one’s around.”

Our demure footsteps echoed around the desolate pool. The surface of the water was unruffled, with only the faintest of rippling waves.

“Even though it’s technically open for use, there aren’t a lot of people who go out of their way to come.” Haru stretched at the poolside as she explained. “And students who do stuff on campus for fun are probably weirdos anyway.”

“Why are you saying that like you’re talking about someone other than yourself?”

Haru laughed and leapt into the pool. The dramatic splash and spray of water reached my feet.

It was true enough that I wasn’t too familiar with the feeling of coming to school for fun. I never even would have considered it in the past, I thought as I went into the water after Haru. My knees bent immediately from the force and I sunk all the way to my head. I looked at the bottom and realized I had forgotten to put on my goggles.

Slowly, I listened to the sound of the water seeming to rush toward me as I floated up.

When I rose above the water’s surface, Haru was swimming up to me.

“It’s nice, like we’ve got the place reserved.”

“It is…”

We were alone together in the pool. I had been in a situation like this before, too.

When I thought about it, that day might have been the start of it all. The long-ago feelings held in this water were like an anchor, securing my memories so I would never forget them.

“Want to race?” Haru proposed.

The thought of Haru’s usual quick walking crossed my mind. “I feel like I’d lose, so I’ll pass.”

“What? C’mon, let’s try!”

I smiled at Haru’s childlike badgering, and we ended up going ahead with the competition. I dove underwater to pass beneath the divisions into the lane next to me. After I put on my goggles and fixed them in place, I looked at the neighboring lane and the tanned girl next to me.

I felt a strong sense of déjà vu. Back then, I’d lost.

“All right, we’re going to start.” Haru had her eyes trained on the large clock in the back as she said, “Ready, settt…”

Since I had taken out my contact lenses, even the hand of the clock looked hazy.

“Go!”

On hearing Haru’s voice, I sunk into the water.

When I did that, and kicked off the wall and moved my arms, the sensation of that day came back to me even more clearly. It was as though the “swimming” entries were being replayed from within my categorized memories. As the tips of my fingers remembered how to cut through the water, the faltering in my movements disappeared. Like this, then like that… As I accomplished those steps one at a time, I focused solely on progressing forward.

I’d thought I had mostly forgotten the lessons from my childhood.

But maybe the time I spent would never truly disappear.

I was engrossed in the feeling of swimming, as though the distinctions between my shoulders to the tips of my toes had disappeared and merged into one.

When my hand reached the wall, I took off my goggles and turned around. Haru was much farther behind than I had expected.

“So you’re not that quick at swimming, then.”

“I’m just a creature of the land.”

“So what are you saying I am, hmm?”

As we had that trivial exchange, I enjoyed the feel of the water as we played around.

Even though there wasn’t anything in particular to do, I was satisfied just making the water splash with Haru.

“………”

Hmm.

“What’s wrong? Why are you spacing out?” Haru grew suspicious as I stopped near the center of the pool.

“I was just thinking how nothing is happening.”

“Well, that’s because only the two of us are here.”

“That’s not what I mean.” I laughed at her misunderstanding my comment, wiping away the water that trickled down my nose. When I was with Haru, the problems and discomfort I’d come to expect…never seemed to occur. Here it comes, any moment now—I kept preparing myself internally, but nothing happened at all.

This in itself seemed strange to me. The happiness and joy I felt around her were so steady that it made me uneasy instead. I’d never experienced love going well before. And yes, I knew that was a very depressing thought.

If things failed, I would of course be sad, but if things went well, I was immersed in worry. What would it take to satisfy me?

“Huh? Sa-ya-ka-sen-pai…” Haru’s voice seemed to slur partway through as though it were immersed in bubbles.

I breathed out air as I sunk to the bottom of the pool. With the air leaving my body, the tips of my hands and feet started to feel heavy. My back touched the pool bottom and I extended my limbs.

My eyes, which I had left uncovered by goggles, captured the surrounding water unsteadily.

I could see the electric lights beyond the water’s surface. I stretched my hand to that light.

I tried to grab the glimmer that seemed deceivingly close. My fingertips fluttered as they stirred up the water, but they touched nothing else.

Glug, glug. I heard a flowing sound near my ear. It was the sound of the air I was slowly losing. The bubbles rose to the surface of the water and disappeared into the light beyond that my hand would never reach.

The gravity I normally felt was softened in the depths of the water.

I felt it was a shame that I could only exist in this airless world for a fleeting time.

When I started to feel slightly out of air, I felt a separate flow coming towards me. I turned and saw that Haru had dove down. Her swim cap must have come off as she did so, since her hair was fanning out behind her. What a bad girl.

Perhaps she’d come down to check on me since I hadn’t resurfaced at all.

Once she joined me, I took Haru’s hand. The warmth of her palm seemed to ignore the temperature of the water. When I grabbed her hand, she let a large bubble of air out, but then she clasped my hand in return.

Haru’s tanned hand showed clearly in the water.

I pulled her hand, dragging her closer to me. Haru skillfully moved her legs and sunk to my depth. Once she did that, she seemed to ask me what I was doing with her eyes.

What was I doing?

What was I seeking at that time?

My oxygen-deprived brain was making my thoughts murkier.

Losing my inhibitions, my body moved naturally.

I brought my lips to Haru’s defenseless neck.

Ignoring Haru’s surprised movements, I pressed them on her skin.

Though my position was reversed compared to back then, my heart leapt powerfully.

Bubbles escaped from between my wavering head, my shifted lips, and Haru’s skin.

Haru inhaled those bubbles as though she were biting at them.

What had left me had gone into Haru.

Thump, thump. A flowing sound like a beat became louder. Even though we were in the water, it was like it was directly in my ears.

Shifting, Haru moved to my neck instead.

Do you understand what this means? I smiled as I accepted her lips.

Haru’s little remaining air rose and engulfed me.

In a daze, I only felt the sensation of Haru’s lips. I forgot breathing, gravity, and so many things, as only the sound of Haru’s heartbeat remained in the water. Just like that, it felt as though the cracks that had continued to remain in my newly freed heart were being filled.

At that point, I was at my limit. With no more air to breathe out, we moved our limbs sluggishly, as though they were being weighed down by something, as we headed to the surface. We didn’t rise up alone—we returned together.

We burst into the light.

Once we broke the water’s surface, the scene spread before us, just the same as it had been before we had sunk down.

I returned with Haru to the normal world.

We looked at each other with our hands still clasped together. Haru’s uncapped hair was wet and lustrous.

The two of us heaved in large gulps of air.

I felt the blood running through my trembling fingertips.

Sound became more distinct; the water cutting through the desolate pool echoed lazily.

“I dunno why, but…” Haru prefaced herself and lifted our hands. “Our palms are pretty warm, aren’t they?”

Yes, Haru was warm. It wasn’t a heat that would scald me, nor harsh enough to wound my heart. It was a temperature that I could stay in. A warmth that made me want to be there.

I didn’t feel the need to run away anymore.

Because the time was right now, I recalled the scene I had once found in the water through my blurred vision. That powerful pain I felt at the time, as if cracks were forming in my heart. The chilling premonition that seemed to enter through those gaps.

That was the first time I experienced such pain.

Since then, I had come to understand the sensations that accompanied love, and now that I knew it existed in the world…

I had felt many kinds of pain throughout the years.

By chipping away bit by bit at my past pain and failures, and patching myself back together, I had come to be who I was now.

And I was incredibly relieved that I had found peace before I allowed my entire self to be rearranged by pain.

Maybe that was what you’d call happiness.

 

>>So, a cultural festival play, huh?<<
>>Was it fun?<<

 

>Yes.<
>Though I imagine you wouldn’t like that sort of thing, Haru.<

 

>>Don’t judge a book by its cover.<<
>>Although yeah, I probably wouldn’t.<<
>>But I feel like if I went to one, I might actually enjoy it.<<

 

>Then let’s go see one sometime.<
>Come to think of it…<
>I’m going to meet up with someone soon.<
>At least, I’m going to try.<

 

>>Soon? Someone? Who would that be?<<

 

>My crush from my high school days.<
>I was thinking I should at least tell you.<
>It was just a thought.<

 

>>You sure are honest, Sayaka-senpai.<<

 

>I just don’t want to keep anything in the dark between us.<
>Plus I think you look better in the light.<
>That’s how I want to see you.<

 

>>Whoa.<<
>>Oh crap.<<

 

>Oh crap?<

 

>>I liked that a lot.<<

 

>You like crap?<

 

>>The thing you said before!<<

 

>It was a joke.<
>I was just a little embarrassed.<

 

>>Say it again.<<

 

>Just scroll up and look.<

 

>>Aww.<<
>>Okay.<<
>>That’s fine, of course.<<
>>Have a good time.<<

 

>Thank you.<

 

>>Don’t cheat, though.<<

 

>I could never.<

 

“I couldn’t.”

I would never be able to reach the star that was Touko.

 

>Want to meet up soon?<
>Not to do anything in particular.<
>I just sort of want to see your face a little.<

 

>>We just saw each other a little while ago, though.<<
>>But that sounds good.<<
>>Now that you mention it, I feel the same way.<<
>>I’m looking forward to it.<<

 

>I’m looking forward to it, too…<
>Touko.<

 

“Have we come here just the two of us before?” Touko asked as we sat at a table in the back of the café.

“Just once.”

I suppose Touko didn’t remember the two of us had come here during the summer break.

After Touko froze for a bit, she put on a soft, sociable smile.

It could even be called deceptive.

“That’s our Sayaka.”

“What’s that supposed to mean…?”

I ended up laughing at the carefree praise.

“We used to come here a lot with everyone from the student council, so maybe that part’s just fuzzy.”

I put my things down next to me as I vaguely recalled those times.

In those days, we had all gathered here and put our heads together to discuss the student council play.

No matter how far I went in the future, I was sure those would still be unforgettable and precious times.

After we gave our order to the store employee, I looked at Touko across from me.

Nanami Touko. I didn’t see any major external changes in her since graduation.

Because she was so beautiful, one could describe her as perfect, maybe there was no need for her to change her outward appearance.

But there was a subtle difference in her behavior.

Right now, the Nanami Touko in front of me wasn’t acting the role of anyone else.

“We saw each other at the culture festival, but it still feels like it’s been a long time.”

Touko celebrated our reunion with a merry tone. “Yes, it really has been some time. I’m sure.”

But my response fled from honesty a bit.

“It doesn’t feel like such a long time for me, though. I’ve heard quite a bit about you from Koito-san. I see her a lot.”

“Oh, you do?”

The reaction from Touko wasn’t what I expected.

“She hasn’t mentioned that to you?”

“I haven’t heard much about it.”

Touko leaned forward and brought her face close. Then, she had a complex expression on her face.

“…Is she cheating?”

I wondered why everyone suspected me of cheating. Did I just have the kind of face that looked like I would?

Well, putting that aside.

I couldn’t tell whether Touko was saying that as a joke or if she really meant it.

Ahh, I felt like a wind was eddying in my heart as I ended up smiling. Touko really is happy right now, I thought.

“Who knows?”

When I jokingly sidestepped it, Touko pouted for a moment. But she immediately corrected herself, speaking quickly.

“No, that was a joke. That was just a joke, okay?”

“Right.”

When I couldn’t keep my shoulders from shaking with mirth, Touko looked to the side awkwardly.

The occasional childish gestures that she showed me…always stole my attention.

“In fact, I was just at Koito-san’s house. Oh, to buy a book, of course.”

I raised the shopping bag I had put down with my other things. Touko’s mood immediately improved, and she peered at the bag with interest.

“What did you buy?”

“It’s Kano-san’s book.”

Opening the bag, I showed her the cover of the book. I wondered how long it had been since I had bought a novel.

“Oh, you bought a copy, too, Sayaka?”

“Of course. It’s the debut novel of someone I know, after all. I wanted to congratulate her, too.”

Kano-san was going to the same college as Touko. It seemed she had a lot of opportunities to see Touko and Koito-san.

“Well, I had her autograph mine directly.”

“What are you getting competitive for?”

As I laughed at Touko for being proud of herself, she averted her eyes with an, “Oh…” as if remembering something.

“What’s wrong?”

“Well, when I had her sign it, she signed it so smoothly that I asked her whether she practiced doing it, and she got so embarrassed… Maybe it was kind of a mistake to ask that.”

“Perhaps you should practice your autographs, too, Touko?”

“Who would I even do one for?”

“Well, if you really become a big-time actress, you might have plenty of opportunities.”

When I touched on something Koito-san had told me about in the past, Touko smiled ambiguously.

“I’m…still not sure about that.”

“Right. I really think you should talk to Koito-san and make a decision.”

“Yeah.”

As Touko nodded meekly, I closed my eyes and smiled slightly.

If only she had listened to people’s advice so obediently in the past.

I reminisced on the days when I was the one to fold at Touko’s stubbornness, running around at her every whim.

It felt a little good to be belatedly annoyed about that.

Our drinks soon arrived. Looking past the employee, I met eyes with Miyako-san, who looked busy. She waved her hand at me slightly. Touko and I bowed back to her.

We both sipped our coffee, and Touko said, “Come to think of it—well, I suppose that’s an odd phrase to start this out with, but…you have a girlfriend now, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I replied simply as she gave me something like puppy-dog eyes.

“But I only found out recently.” Touko seemed reproachful as she narrowed her eyes and glowered at me.

“I thought Koito-san would tell you for me.”

“You could have just told me directly.”

“Well…it didn’t really come up.”

It would be odd to report to her I had gotten a girlfriend without her even asking, I think.

If I did that, it would seem like I was boasting about my love life.

…Though surely I wouldn’t do that.

“What’s she like?”

“You haven’t heard about her from Koito-san?”

“I heard a little,” Touko said. “But I wanted to hear it from you.”

It kind of felt like a conversation I’d had before.

I trained my ears on the bustle inside the café as I spoke about Haru. “She’s energetic—very much so.”

When I introduced my girlfriend to anyone, that was always where I started. Maybe that was the strongest impression I had of her. Beyond that, Haru was very lighthearted. She always was running as though she didn’t know how to stop.

Just as she herself claimed, maybe her body naturally rushed around trying to keep up with her rapidly-changing emotions.

Accompanying her, I lived my days with a speed I hadn’t known about until now…and that was a good thing.

“Since I fell for her, I thought I’d like to meet with you.”

There was something I had gained from her that even allowed me to look straight into Touko’s eyes.

Touko looked back at me as I did that and smiled.

“I’m sure she’s a lovely girl.”

Very, I answered only in my mind.

“She’s also very good at cooking.”

“Oh, I’m jealous,” Touko complained. She had started to lean forward; then, as though suddenly realizing that, she drew back and cleared her throat. “I keep telling myself I should work on cooking for myself every day, too.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me.”

“This is a secret, but I’ve been getting excited and making something whenever Yuu comes over, so now she thinks I cook all the time.”

“All right, I won’t tell.” I imagined Koito-san would be able to guess that much just by looking into the fridge, though. “How do you like living alone?”

“I’ve gotten used to it, but to be honest, it’s pretty hard.”

It was new to me for Touko to acknowledge a difficulty so easily.

“There are a lot more things I can’t do than I thought, but trying my hand at them has been a lot of fun.”

“………”

Maybe this was what Touko’s actual face was like—the one that I hadn’t been able to get to know.

I silently listened to the true Touko’s words.

“It was the same with the play, but there were a lot of things I still didn’t know…a world I didn’t know about. In the past, I used to be scared of making contact with things like that and changing. But then…”

I felt Touko’s heart falter and move greatly.

The shimmer that filled her eyes said everything.

“Yuu told me that no matter what I do, no matter how much I change, it’ll be okay.”

“Did she…”

I wondered whether I could have told Touko that or not.

That was likely proof of the difference between Koito-san and I—her courage.

I’m just no match for her. I let that complaint ride on the steam rising from the coffee, up to the ceiling.

After that, I had less to say and slowly enjoyed my coffee.

The significance of meeting with Touko was now more than fulfilled.

I listened to Touko’s voice and confirmed she was happy.

That was enough to satisfy me.

“There really isn’t much to formally talk about, is there?”

After all, up until now, I had spent plenty of time with Touko, our voices blending together.

“You’re right. But I’m glad we met.”

“I think the same, Touko.”

It was likely that we would become more distant from here on.

Since we had stopped running in parallel lines to each other, we would probably keep getting farther away from each other as time piled up.

So before the opportunities for us to meet became rarer, I wanted to enjoy myself as much as I could in the moment.

“Hey, Touko.”

“Hm?”

“How about we have whoever loses pay?”

As I proposed that, I held out my loosely clenched fist.

I wasn’t troubled about anything, and I didn’t have any ulterior motives.

I just wanted to try it out.

At first, Touko’s eyes went round. But then, slowly, loosely, she smiled.

“Sounds good.” Touko murmured as though she were chewing it over. “Yes, that’s lovely.”

I’m sure I felt the same way.

 

“Rock…”

“Paper…”

 

The hand she put out was exactly what I had expected.

And so, I was able to easily choose whether I wanted to win or lose.