7: Fast enough to leave it all behind
Sometimes I look at myself from the outside and think, Geez, I’m such a stereotypical teenager, worrying about whether I’m doing the right thing or where the heck my life is going. But then I go around making plan after plan after plan because I am a teenager and there’s no time like the present. I, Minami Nanami, am a glorious high school girl with herself wrapped around her own finger.
But right now, I don’t know what to do. I tried to shake off all those silly worries once and for all, but here they are again, clinging to my track shirt from behind and dragging me around. I want to cry foul, but instead I get swallowed up whole. The only thing I can do is pull off my hairband and shoot it at the monster. Last time this happened, Aoi and Tomozaki and Tama and everyone else got really worried about me, and I don’t want to do that to them again.
I think I know why it’s happening.
It was the thing between Tama and Erika.
I mean, that was amazing. I’ve always had a lot of respect for Tama’s strength, but I still can’t believe she’d stand up to Erika like that. What surprised me even more was the way she changed at the very end.
Tama always used to act all sullen and wouldn’t know tact if it bit her on the nose, and all of a sudden, she learns how to be playful. When I saw her win the whole class over with that joke about her name, shocked doesn’t even begin to cover how I felt. It was like if a pitcher who only ever threw fastballs suddenly threw the twistiest curveball you ever saw. Probably? I don’t actually know anything about baseball.
If someone asked me if I’ve grown at all, I’d probably have to say I haven’t. At least not compared to her. I’m still throwing so-so fastballs and good-enough curveballs in my games. People are supposed to never stop growing, but I feel like they’re leaving me behind. It’s lonely back here. Therefore, my emotions are all blargh. This has been a deduction from the legendary detective Mimimi-chan.
I’m, like, the perfect representative of ordinary people with just a smidge of talent. Even worrying about this stuff is nothing special. But it’s my life, so it’s super important to me.
I wish I could become strong enough to worry, but instead, I keep on dragging myself to school day in and day out. Nothing changes. And so the brave Mimimi-chan soldiers on.
* * *
I was in the classroom after school. I’d quit track a little while ago, so I was chatting with Tama and two other girls from our class. My usual group—Tama, Sakura Kashiwazaki, and Yuki Seno. Since Aoi got special permission to keep running track, she went off to do that. She’s really incredible.
I was listening to Tama talk to the other two.
“The classroom kinda feels bigger after school, doesn’t it?”
“That’s because I’m so small!”
“Ah-ha-ha! True!”
The conversation was bouncing along, thanks to Tama’s new jokes.
“Yeah—although honestly, I’m getting a little tired of that routine,” Tama said.
“Aren’t you the one doing it, though?”
“Yeah, which means I hear it every single time. If anyone’s gonna get tired of it, it’s me.”
“Ah-ha-ha, good point.”
Not long ago, I would never have imagined Tama having a conversation like this.
Until the Konno incident, Tama didn’t like joking around, and she had a hard time fitting in without me giving her a secret boost.
Now she doesn’t need my help to have a cheerful and happy conversation, and everyone is used to the new Tama.
But she doesn’t just go with the flow, either. She still makes blunt comments, like she did just now, and she stays herself. People accept the whole Tama, including the fact that she says everything she’s thinking.
I honestly think she’s incredible.
“What do you guys want to do after this? Karaoke?” Sakura asked.
Tama instantly tilted her head and said, “Mm, that doesn’t sound fun.”
“Ah-ha-ha! Tell us what you really think!”
Everyone thought her lightning-fast opinions were super funny.
Until recently, I would have always jumped in at times like this and turned whatever she said into a joke. But I didn’t need to do that anymore.
She’s always been true to herself in a way that I’m not, but I got along with everyone in a way she didn’t used to be able to. That’s why I thought I had to help her out when we were in groups. But now she’s even mastered the skill of getting along.
I have no idea how she did it so quickly. I know the usual suspect had something to do with it, but it can’t have been easy. She must have really worked for it.
Tama made friends and found a place for herself, and now everyone recognizes what’s so great about her.
I’m super happy about that—I mean, she’s one of my favorite people in the world, so it’s great that everyone else likes her now, too. Things don’t often turn out so perfectly.
“How about bowling?”
“I don’t know, the balls are so heavy… They’re bigger than Tama-chan!”
“You took my joke!”
The three of them laughed out loud. I joined in without missing a beat.
“But yeah, I think bowling’s a good idea!” Tama said, and we all considered the idea.
Everyone was having a good time, and they didn’t need any help from me.
“There goes Tama-chan again.”
For some reason, I felt a little left out.
When I see her laughing along with everyone, I feel like a mom whose kid just flew from the nest or something. Oh, she’s so grown-up; she doesn’t need my jokes anymore, I think, as a lone tear slides down my face.
But what does that say about me? Nothing very good. I’ve gone over that Q and A in my mind like six times already. Oh, Mimimi, whatever will we do with you?
“Aren’t you guys hungry?”
“Now that you mention it…yeah!”
Sakura and Yuki nodded at one another. I hadn’t been talking much this whole time, so I figured I better join in the conversation.
“Wanna go get something to eat?”
“Good idea!”
“Okay!”
Sakura and Yuki both jumped right on my sudden suggestion. Such talented ladies. I looked at Tama.
“What about you, Tama?”
“…Um…” She thought for a second, then grinned.
“I’ll go!”
Her bright smile and honest reply were free of any doubt. I couldn’t help breaking into a grin, too. After all, this was my favorite part of all this. Tama didn’t feel reluctant to go out with us anymore.
“Awesome! Let’s get going!”
“Yay!”
Yes, I do feel a little left behind now that Tama is so independent.
But when I go out with friends, Tama is right there with us.
And that makes me happier than just about anything else in the world.
* * *
“Good afternoon. Table for four?”
“Yes please!”
We were at our usual diner on the way to the station, following the waiter to a nonsmoking table.
Just then, someone called over to us.
“Hey, guys!”
When I turned around, I saw Takei. He was standing up at his seat, waving enthusiastically at us. He’s always so loud. Well, his call couldn’t go unanswered, and it was up to Mimimi-chan to deliver!
“Oh, wow! Takei!”
I waved both my hands as I shouted just as loud as he had. There with him at the table, smiling awkwardly, were Nakamu, Takahiro…and Tomozaki.
Wow. Tomozaki sure was close with those guys lately. At first, he seemed like he was forcing himself to fit in, kind of like the new guy in town, but now he totally belonged there. Or maybe I just thought so because I’d gone on that trip with them. I wondered what Sakura and Yuki thought.
The three of them frowned at the racket Takei and I were making and said hi to us. It annoyed me how normal they were all acting. I wanted to tease the Brain for the way he said hi, but his hey was so natural, I thought I might actually mess up if I tried to tease him about it. Did he just beat me at something?
“Right this way.”
All the seats near Takei’s group were taken, so the waiter led us to a table kind of far from theirs. Oh well.
The four of us sat down.
“I got us a menu!” said Yuki.
“Thanks.”
Yuki started sharing her menu with Tama, who was sitting next to her.
Wow. It hit me all over again as I watched them.
I took turns stealing glances at Tama sitting across from me and Tomozaki sitting across the restaurant.
It wasn’t just Tama who had grown. Tomozaki was changing so much every day that I hardly recognized him.
I knew what that took. Neither of them showed it on the surface, but they were working super hard for every little change. And they were getting results.
The other me, Dark Mimimi, poked her face out from a corner of my heart.
And what about you? What have you been doing?
I felt that little prick to my heart. I know everyone’s different; I know I’m my own person. But I can’t help comparing myself.
It was already the second half of second semester. Compared to those two, I hadn’t grown at all. Was it too late to start now?
“Mimimi, did you decide yet?” Sakura’s question pulled me out of my pondering.
“Oh, uh-huh. I’ll have this.” I pointed to the Japanese-style hamburger.
Sakura shuddered. “Ugh, that looks so heavy…”
“My mom’s getting home late! Anyway, I’m a growing girl!”
“Why don’t you ever gain weight…?”
Sakura glared at me. She looks so adorable when she’s annoyed, like a capybara. I’d like to eat her up along with my hamburger. But if I said that, she’d tell me to shut up, so let’s keep that one to ourselves.
“Well, I used to run track, right? Although I did just quit.”
“Oh, that’s true. I could never do track. I hate getting that tired.” Sakura sounded convinced and started studying the menu again.
Everyone other than me seemed to be having trouble deciding, which made me look like an idiot. Oh well, may as well go to the bathroom or something.
“I’m gonna go to the girls’ room! Once you’ve made up your minds, can you order the drink bar and a Japanese hamburger and rice set for me?”
“Sure,” Sakura said, then sighed. “Isn’t there some free and easy way to lose weight?”
I walked off toward the bathroom, leaving Sakura and her dreams behind.
* * *
I was washing my hands after using the bathroom. I tried smiling at myself in the mirror, and my reflection looked the same as usual. Not a shred of Dark Mimimi had managed to sneak onto my face. Relieved, I left the bathroom.
…And then…
“Ah!”
“Ah!”
…I bumped into Tomozaki, who must have gone to the bathroom at the same time as me. Boy, that was a surprise. My heart skipped a beat.
“H-hey,” Tomozaki stuttered. A second ago he was fitting in so well with Nakamura and the other guys, but I must have caught him off guard, because just for a second he seemed to panic, and I glimpsed the awkward Tomozaki of the good old days. It relaxed me a little.
As I was trying to think of something to say, that easygoing expression came back.
“Tama-chan sure is fitting in well, huh?”
Well, well. Look at him, saying stuff before I can even get started. So saucy these days.
But he doesn’t sound timid anymore. He’s really confident now.
What is it about him, exactly? He’s gotten a little cooler—his aura is changing.
Wait, focus!
“Yeah! My little chick has left the nest…”
“Ha-ha…definitely.”
His smile wasn’t hiding any sarcasm or meanness—it was just pleasant. He’s changed a lot in a lot of ways, but from my perspective, this is the biggest change of all. He never used to smile like this. I guess changes in your mind and heart show up in your face.
“Tama-chan changed so much in such a short time,” he said, like it had nothing to do with him. I think she was able to because you were working with her, I didn’t say. I knew Tomozaki really did work hard, but saying it so directly at this point would put him in an awkward position.
So instead, I decided to “interview” him from another angle. Take the bait!
“Come on, now, Brain! Stop acting like you had nothing to do with it!”
“Huh?”
I lowered my voice. “…You were involved with the Tama incident, now, weren’t you?”
“Uh…” He floundered for a minute, his eyes darting around, then gave in. “I guess.”
“I knew it! I mean, you really took a lot from that video I recommended!”
I was talking about the YouTube comedy video Tomozaki had asked me to recommend. The one where the guy says, “That’s ’cause my face is so huge!” Tama stole her short jokes from his routine.
I’m sure the reason she gets so many laughs out of that is because the original joke was so funny, even if she was getting tired of it now.
“Yeah. We took all of it, actually,” Tomozaki joked.
“I could totally tell.”
“Ha-ha, I know, that’s why I confessed,” he said casually. He looked relieved. Refreshed, almost, and satisfied with how things had turned out.
I wasn’t surprised. I mean, he’d figured out a strategy to solve a really hopeless problem, and he’d flipped the whole situation on its head.
I’d be genuinely relieved, too.
I think this is where Tomozaki really shines. Come up with a plan, put it into action, create the outcome he wants, and then bask in the knowledge of a job well done.
“…It’s really amazing,” I said, and he nodded happily.
“Yeah, I never imagined she’d take it this far.”
“No, not that… I mean, she’s amazing, too, but I was talking about you.”
“…Me?”
“Yeah.”
“But I just gave her some suggestions…”
Humility was another one of the Brain’s sly tricks.
“I still think you were amazing,” I said, looking away from him. He seemed embarrassed, too. Cue awkward pause.
“Y-you do…? Thanks.”
“Yup.”
What was going on? Wait, why was everything suddenly weird? Did I mess up? We stared at each other, neither of us sure what to do, and there was another weird silence.
“…What?” I said.
“No, you’re the one…”
After that mystifying exchange, we looked at each other again and giggled. The awkward silence was gone, but this was embarrassing, too!
Um, now what do I do? I needed to come up with some distraction, so I figured I’d ask him about something I’d been wondering about.
“So how’d you learn to do it?”
“Do what?”
“Um, like, come up with solutions to problems?”
“…Oh, that.” He nodded.
“Is that something else you’ve been working on lately?”
Like I said, Tomozaki has changed a lot. I assumed he was doing some kind of program to improve his problem-solving skills or something.
“No…I think I knew how to do that from the start.”
“Really?”
That was a surprising answer.
Tomozaki sensed I was confused and explained what he meant. “Like, I’ve told you I’m really into Atafami and other video games, right?”
“Yeah…”
“When I get really into one of those games, it’s the same feeling…”
“Huh?”
I didn’t really understand what he was saying. Helping Tama solve her problems was like an intense session of Atafami? “What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, I’m not sure how to explain it. There’s a goal, and you have to think about the different ways you can reach it… The structure is the same…or something…”
“Oh…”
I understood a little better anyway. Just a little. But it also reminded me of something he’d told me before.
“You were the top player…right?”
“Yeah…”
He was acting embarrassed, even though that was really an amazing accomplishment. If you asked me, he ought to take more pride in that.
But at the same time, that embarrassment reminded me of how he acted when we first bumped into each other. Not cool at all, which somehow put me at ease.
“I mean…I still am the top player.”
“You are? Really?”
I hadn’t intentionally assumed that was all in the past, but it sure was something to know I was standing in front of the best player in the country. Number one in all of Japan.
Nope, Tomozaki wasn’t exactly your ordinary guy.
Dark Mimimi poked her head out again to laugh at me.
You’re not number one in academics or sports or anything. You’ll never be special.
This time, sparkly Light Mimimi came out to protect me.
That’s okay. Remember what Tama said? You’re the biggest idiot in the world!
Those words had saved me—but she was right about me being an idiot. Had a few little jokes here and there really helped anyone?
The biggest idiot to Tama? I told you so! That doesn’t make you special!
That depends on how you think about it. If you think you’re special, you can be special anytime.
Dark Mimimi and Light Mimimi were in a dead heat.
The biggest idiot in the world to Tama, huh?
I looked over at our table, where she was talking to everyone and smiling.
She was so good at fitting into the group now that even when I went to the bathroom, she was over there smiling and having fun.
Dark Mimimi, Light Mimimi, and I watched her.
Then plain old me had a thought.
I wonder if I’m still the biggest idiot to Tama.
“Mimimi?”
“Oh!!”
Snapping out of my daze, I saw that Tomozaki was getting concerned.
“Oh, Brain. We aren’t doing anything!”
“Uh, who’s ‘we’?”
I brought my hands to my chest like I was praying. “There are many ‘mes’ inside of Mimimi…”
“Huh?”
Tomozaki looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about, which I completely understood, because I had no idea what I was talking about myself.
“Hey, you better wash your hands and get back to your seat!”
“Uh, I already washed them?”
“Oh, details, details!”
“Er, what…?”
I forced the conversation along like that to cover up my negative side, and we both headed back to our seats.
I’ve definitely been acting weird lately.
* * *
Back at the table, I chatted with everyone for a while. Tomozaki and the other guys were playing games and watching videos and stuff the whole time, but we girls chatted away without help from any outside sources. Watch and learn, guys, and see how the pros talk through a whole entire meal. Before I knew it, it was seven.
Suddenly, someone tapped on the outside of the window next to our table.
“Hey, it’s Aoi!” Sakura called. I looked over and saw Aoi walking to the station after practice with a bunch of younger kids from the team.
Her hair looked a little messier than the last time I saw her, but I knew that probably reflected only a tiny fraction of how hard she’d practiced.
I started to feel uneasy again.
While I wasted the whole afternoon talking, Aoi was busy improving herself.
That’s probably one reason she’s so genuinely amazing. Even if I wanted to copy her, I’m sure I’d never do as well as her. Which is why I’ll never be special. Uh-oh, now I’m starting to sound like Dark Mimimi.
“Should we get going?” Sakura asked cheerfully.
“Yeah, let’s walk to the station with them,” said Yuki.
“Good idea!” Tama chirped in agreement. Since Aoi couldn’t hear them through the glass, they started miming out their plan to her.
Meanwhile, Takei led the four guys over and waved energetically at her.
“Aoi!!” he yelled so loudly his voice actually made it through the glass. She doubled over laughing, but the innocence in that gesture was part of what made her so lovable. She waved back at him playfully. So cute.
Everyone paid and then joined up with Aoi’s group. This restaurant really is a student’s best friend, letting us all pay separately when they’re not busy.
* * *
The four guys, plus us four girls, plus Aoi’s group of five made a pack of fourteen kids walking to the station.
The newest additions to the track team were talking happily to Takahiro and Shuji. They were adorable; it was funny how their eyes were sparkling more than usual. They must idolize the older guys. Heads-up, girls, they’re not really that cool!
While Sakura, Yuki, and I teased Takei for being so obviously jealous of Takahiro and Shuji, Aoi seemed to be having a fun conversation with Tomozaki.
“Shut up! That’s none of your business, Hinami!”
“You’re so mean, Tomozaki-kun!”
Tomozaki seemed a little overwhelmed by Aoi, but the jabs they made at each other made me think they were actually pretty close. Tomozaki did freeze up a little now and then—he was talking to Aoi, after all—but he also sounded more informal with her than he was with other people. Sometimes, they acted like they’d been friends for years.
I guess since Aoi is so good at getting close to people, Tomozaki felt comfortable with her. As I was watching them pensively, my eyes accidentally met Hinami’s. Oops!
“…You must be tired from practice!” I said energetically, hoping to hide what I was thinking, as I ran over and gave her a hug.
Tomozaki gave me a confused look as I interrupted his one-on-one time with Hinami, but that was when Takahiro finished talking with the younger girls and called Tomozaki over, leaving me and Aoi alone. Heh-heh, time for some fun, Aoi!
“Hey, stop it! You’re getting my sweat on you!” Aoi put both her hands on my shoulders and pried me off.
“Whew, tough defense… That’s kinda hot, actually!”
I’d jumped on her to cover up my own spaciness, but I was genuinely disappointed she wouldn’t let me hug her. Aoi smells good even after practice.
“Ah-ha-ha. Too bad. Better luck next time!”
She probably worked out harder than anyone else on the team, but she still managed to be the most playful of any of them; she was going along with my joking and not letting me know she was tired at all. Adorably hardworking, adorably kind… What is she, a reincarnated goddess or something? That “Better luck next time!” just made me want to mess around with her more.
“Seriously, though, you deserve some rest. It’s amazing that you’re still running after the rest of us quit to study for high school exams.”
“Ah-ha-ha, thanks.” She laughed innocently, not at all like she was bragging about her own hard work. “I really want nationals. It’s my goal.”
“…Huh.”
Did she mean she wanted to go to nationals or take top place in them? Either interpretation was valid, but I’m almost certain she meant the latter.
“…That sounds like you.”
“Aww…,” she said modestly.
“Goals, huh… Wonder what mine is.”
“Your goal?”
“Yeah. Thinking about it now, I don’t really have one.”
I was bringing up one of my problems in a casual way, but Aoi was giving it serious thought now. It just made me feel really guilty. She’s such a good person.
“I think…you can make a goal out of anything.”
“Anything?” I was curious what she meant.
“Yeah. It doesn’t matter what you’re aiming for. What matters is that you run toward it. Then when you get there, you have that feeling of, like, ‘Yes!’”
“A sense of accomplishment, you mean?”
“Yeah, exactly.” She nodded. “So, like, my goal is nationals, but it’s not like I’ve loved running since I was a little kid. I mean, I used to be on the basketball team.”
“That is true!”
“But once I started track, I wanted to do the best I could, so I aimed for the top. And I turned out to have a lot of fun doing it. That’s why I think the goal itself doesn’t matter.”
What she said made a deep impression on me, especially because I knew her so well.
“…Thank you, Aoi-sensei, for your excellent explanation.”
“Ah-ha-ha, I’m glad you liked it!”
In fact, what she said made so much sense that it erased some of the inferiority complex and vague sense of jealousy I felt toward her. Yup, she’s genuinely amazing. I love her, and I’ll never beat her.
“Teacher, can I ask you another question?”
“Yes, dear, go right ahead.”
She looked so pretty with her arms crossed and her nose in the air that I wanted to stick my fingers right up her nostrils. Whoops, my hand slipped!
“Now, now, dear, stop that right now.”
She caught my hand just in the nick of time to avoid my attack. Nice reflexes, Aoi. You’re way beyond my level.
She smiled, looking exasperated.
“And what was your question?”
“Oh, right! What should I do when I try really hard, but things don’t go as well as I hoped?”
“Ah…good question.”
“I know it might never happen to you, but…” I chuckled.
“Oh, it definitely does. Things going wrong, I mean,” she replied matter-of-factly. Didn’t see that one coming, actually.
“Wait, really?!”
I was super caught off guard. I mean, she’s first place in everything, and I, for one, have never seen her fail at anything.
“Oh, yes. All the time. Just in secret.”
“I’m surprised to hear you say that.”
But when I thought about it, it made sense. No one could get away without failing occasionally. Not even the famous Aoi.
“Ah-ha-ha. But I know things never go how I want them to. I take that as a given and make sure to account for it ahead of time.”
“Take it as a given, huh…?”
That was a really thought-provoking idea. Very practical—I guess that must be why on the surface everything seems to go perfectly for her.
“Yeah. So for example…if I figure out ways to release the stress from failing ahead of time, I’m more willing to give things a try.”
“Stress release… Hmm. That could be what I’m missing!”
I was getting one new idea after the next. Aoi, life coach!
“But how do you do it?” I asked her.
She giggled. “One way is running, without wondering about times or anything. Also video games…and cheese!”
“Ah-ha-ha, cheese!” I laughed, but actually I remembered something similar. “…Now that you mention it, running helped me blow off steam sometimes, too.”
“Right? It really works!” She nodded energetically. Then suddenly, she peered into my face. “That reminds me, the Chase-Off is coming up soon.”
“Oh yeah!”
I remembered that event. It was a traditional track team ceremony where the younger students chased after the second-years, most of whom quit after the summer newbie meet, to see them off.
“Are you still in shape? Don’t let those first-years beat you!” Aoi joked.
“Yeah, that would be bad…”
I hadn’t quit that long ago, but if I had to run it right now, I could see myself losing. Of course, I had no doubt whatsoever I could beat them if I got myself back in shape.
The whole point of the ceremony was to prove that the team would be just fine without us, so it was okay if a second-year lost to a first-year, but I’m the type who likes to win if I’m going to play.
Aoi grinned.
“I’ll probably be on the chasing side. May the best woman win!”
“Then we’ll all lose!”
You’re kidding me. Aoi’s going to be on their team? I smiled cynically. Talking to Aoi is always so thought-provoking.
* * *
Back at home, I sent Tama a LINE message telling her to check out a picture of her doggy doppelgänger I found online, only to have her write back, [That looks nothing like me.] I was still reeling from the shock as I started thinking over other things.
Things like my goals and the stress-release methods Aoi had mentioned.
Something occurred to me.
Why not go for a run?
I pulled out my windbreaker and nylon pants, which I’d stuffed away in a drawer, and put them on for the first time in ages. Ah, I’d missed that squeaky sound and texture! I couldn’t wait to start running.
My running shoes were still in the shoe cabinet. I liked the way they fit more snugly than my regular shoes, like they were becoming an extension of my feet. Once they were on, I left our apartment, took the elevator downstairs, and walked through the automatic doors. The dark streets of Kitayono were spread out before me.
I stretched a lot since I hadn’t run recently, and then, with a weirdly restless feeling, retied my shoes more tightly.
Leaping theatrically down the little staircase leading to the road, I looked way down the long, straight road and took my first step.
Little by little, I sped up, overtaking the people walking on the street.
My heart sped up little by little, too, although I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just the exercise.
I ran down the cold streets in my windbreaker.
The lights rushed past at even intervals, while the wind passed through my collar, cooling my sweat. I felt my heart pounding and my body growing warmer from the inside out. My breath hung white in the air, but I left it behind, running forward, forward, forward. My thoughts and my sight grew clearer, and the sound of my pounding feet grew louder. My feet were so light I felt like I was flying, like gravity itself had disappeared.
I sprang off my toes, dancing over the pavement. I liked the way the warm light spilled from the windows of the rows of houses, and I imagined the lives going on inside. I liked that the holiday lights had been hung up a little too early, and I knew whoever put them up was excited for Christmas. For a second, a fan or something carried the scent of fish being grilled to me, replaced the next second by the smell of the cold winter air cooling the tip of my nose. Each one of my senses was picking up little bits and pieces from all these lives in my neighborhood.
Yeah, I hadn’t been running lately.
Ever since I quit the track team, I hadn’t had a reason to. I’d bid farewell to my spikes, my faithful partners over those past two years, and gone back to ordinary life. Now I had no need for water bottles and wristbands and energy gel shots. I’d switched my deodorant spray from extra-strength to something more girly, and now that I didn’t have to worry about sweating off my foundation, I’d stopped wearing the cheap stuff and started using a nicer kind that isn’t moisture-friendly. I used to save it for going out on the weekends, but now I wear it every day.
And running became a thing of the past.
Apparently, people adapt pretty easily when they stop doing something they’ve done for a long time. It only took a week for me to feel like not going to track practice was normal.
But now that I was doing it again, I realized something.
I’d joined track because Aoi did—but I actually liked it a lot.
I ran all through my neighborhood, and now I was back in front of my apartment building. I felt fearless. The streetlights, the cool, dry air, the way I was almost being pulled forward—all of it felt amazing. I couldn’t stop now.
Okay, just one more loop.
I kicked off the pavement in front of the apartment building and decided that if I was going to do this, I might as well take a totally different route from before. It was so fun, I felt like I could run all the way to Korea if I wanted to. I mean, Korea is the closest country to Japan, so I should be able to make it there and collapse across the finish line, right?
* * *
I got lost.
It’s totally idiotic, but I got a little carried away. Honestly, I should have known that someone with my abysmal sense of direction would get lost running around randomly. Whoops.
Still, it wasn’t that late, and I knew I was somewhere near the station, so if I wandered around for a while, I should come to a road I recognized. Or I could go into a convenience store and ask directions. I looked around for a familiar building.
Wandering around cooled me down, and before long, I did see a place I recognized.
Uh, is that what I think it is?
It sure was.
Tomozaki’s house.
Now that I thought about it, I remembered it being somewhere like this. I’d been here once in a group, and plus, Tomozaki and I both got off at Kitayono Station and walked partway home together. I knew he lived nearby, but like I said, I have a lousy sense of direction. I didn’t really know where he lived.
I stared at his house for a while, not thinking about much of anything…until I caught myself. What am I doing? Let’s step back and actually look at what we’re doing here. You’re a girl standing outside the house of a boy in her class, staring at it. Pretty sketchy.
I remembered we’d stopped at a convenience store nearby when we came as a group, so I turned around and started wandering around the neighborhood looking for it. After all, I couldn’t just stand there and stare at his house like a pervert. The convenience store was like one minute away, so I should be able to find it by using Tomozaki’s house as the center of my search.
I walked around looking for the colors of a typical convenience store and pulled the zipper on my windbreaker halfway down to let off some of the heat. If I opened it all the way, it would be too cold, but this was just right for my flushed body.
After walking for a few minutes, I stumbled on a FamilyMart on the far side of a big parking lot. Yes! Now I could make it home in one piece!
I walked over to the nearest crosswalk and stared absently across it while waiting for the light to turn green. That’s when I saw a face I recognized.
Um…that’s…
There was no mistaking Tomozaki the Brain.
It was a bit of a coincidence, but he probably passed by here a lot because he lived nearby. He still had his bag, so I guessed he was just getting back from the diner. He wasn’t crossing toward me, apparently; he was going in the other direction. I was planning to call out Brain! and wave at him—when I noticed something odd.
Huh? Was someone next to him?
My heart skipped a beat. My arm had only reached shoulder height, and it quietly lowered back down. For reasons I can’t explain, I hid behind the traffic signal pole.
Uh, um, what? Wasn’t it around nine by now? This obviously wasn’t coming-home-from-school time. So why was Tomozaki walking with a girl?
Wh-what was going on? Sure, he’d gotten cooler lately—and more cheerful and made some friends—but what the heck? Did he have a girlfriend or something, too? What a surprise that would be! He could have at least mentioned it! Or maybe it’s not really any of my business…
Still, she looked familiar. For a second, I thought it must be Aoi or Kikuchi-san, but it wasn’t either of them. I did vaguely recognize her, though, and I thought she was from our school. An image of her wearing the uniform popped into my mind. She was petite and pretty cute, too.
But, but, but… Maybe it’s just my horrible sense of direction, but it looked like they were heading toward Tomozaki’s house. Which meant the two of them were going there alone. No way, seriously? She was carrying two big plastic bags that looked like they were filled with two-liter bottles. What was that for? Was she staying over? I’ve never heard of anyone doing that!
My stomach sank, and without really thinking about it, I opened my phone and pulled up a chat window on LINE with Tomozaki. We usually only chatted a little bit when we were hanging out, but I was so shocked by this I wanted to ask him what was going on.
I typed in a few different things and erased them all. [did you just go to the convenience store by your house lmao] Ugh, no. [Brain! i saw you!!] Nope. [you cad… did we mean nothing to you?] No, not that, either. Why was I so upset?
Honestly, though, what was going on? If she was coming home with him this late, did he plan on introducing her to his family? That would really surprise me, but…huh? Wait a second—family? Family…
“…Oh.”
Then I remembered.
Urgh, I got all upset over nothing. Yeah, this makes sense now.
The girl was his sister.
So that’s what was going on. Obviously. No way Tomozaki would be walking around at this time of night with a girl who wasn’t related to him. Yeah, that was impossible.
…Wasn’t it?
Yes, it was, I decided. Wow, that was a shock. But yeah. I just had a weird little revelation. Tomozaki was changing so fast these days, it wouldn’t be weird if he was hanging around with someone new.
I let out a sigh of relief that it was only his sister, erased the chat message reading [star player tomozaki! got time for an interview?] and waited for the light. Again, since it had turned red during all that overthinking.
But what was I so relieved about? If Tomozaki did have someone like that, it would be a good thing. It wasn’t my place to say otherwise. I think it’s just I haven’t changed at all, while gloomy Tomozaki was changing right in front of my eyes. It was making me uneasy…or lonely…or something. Yeah, that’s probably what was going on.
Dammit! I’d just cleared my mind with a nice night run, and here I was all muddled again.
* * *
After all that, I made it to the convenience store, asked for directions, and safely got back home. As I walked along fiddling with my phone, I realized I could have just used the map app, but I do have a tendency to look at the map and walk in the opposite direction. I’ll just say I wanted the warmth of real human contact and leave it at that.
Now! Time for a nice bath to rinse off all that sweat. Since I’m such a capable young woman, I preset the bath before I left so it would be nice and warm when I got back.
I stopped by my room to grab my white loungewear, then headed straight for the bathroom. As I passed by the living room, my mom called out to me.
“Mi-chan, you taking a bath?”
I turned around. She was sprawled on the sofa looking tired from her day at work. Her grown-up perfume wafted toward me. She sells makeup at a department store, so her makeup and hair are very mature and stylish. Her suit always looks perfect, too.
She’s never been able to come to many parent observation days at school because she’s so busy, but I’m so proud of my mom. I wish I could show her off to my friends.
“Yeah, do you want to take yours first?”
She waved her hand without turning around, and the big black stone in the ring on her pointer finger glittered elegantly.
“No, you go ahead. I want to rest a little first.”
“Okay. Don’t fall asleep on the sofa again.”
She turned her head toward me and smiled sleepily. “…I’ll try.”
“Ah-ha-ha. I’ve gotta keep a close eye on you.”
“Ha-ha.”
When my mom smiles, she looks a little like a handsome, stylish man. She works so hard every day. Feeling all warm and fuzzy, I headed for the bathroom.
Dropping my sweaty shirt and underwear in the laundry basket, I walked over to the bath and noticed that the mat was a little dirty. I tossed it in the laundry, too, and put down a fresh one. The fluffy new mat felt so good under my feet. I pulled off my hairband and slipped it onto my wrist before stepping into the shower.
I’d turned on the water before undressing, and I tested the temperature with my fingertips. Perfect. I let out a happy sigh as it poured over my head. The heavy fatigue clinging to my body flowed away, and I was all clean and fresh again. I love showers after a good run.
I tossed some bathwater onto the clouded-over mirror, and it suddenly cleared enough to see myself.
“…Hmm.”
I turned to the side and gave myself a hard look up and down, then turned around and looked over my shoulder.
The tan I’d had until recently was gone now, and the curves of my pale, slightly muscular body were clearer. I rubbed my left arm with my right hand, scattering water droplets onto the bathroom floor.
“Not too bad if you ask me…,” I mumbled.
But…what is it, exactly?
When I take away all the “natural” makeup, the bras that shape my figure, and the secret weapon of a school uniform—when I’m completely naked, when all I’m facing is just me—sometimes the thought strikes.
I don’t think I like myself very much.
It’s not an illness or masochism or something. Just a hazy feeling I have sometimes.
I try hard at sports and do well on tests, and in front of everyone else, I act like I’m always having fun. Everyone says it’s great. I get more praise than most people, I think.
But there’s always this underlying sense that I’m nothing. It never goes away, so I’ve kinda stopped fighting.
I’m like a hollow wire figure covered with decorations to get approval. And people are praising the decorations, not the real me. But the compliments still make me happy, so I just ignorantly go along adding more. And now I’m suddenly feeling shallow for putting so much effort into my veneer. Ten years ago, liking myself came so naturally to me. It’s weird; it’s like I used up all my stores of self-love, and now in my second year of high school, I’ve got nothing left. I just go on decorating out of habit.
I looked at my naked body in the mirror. My breasts were pretty big for my age. I grabbed them from underneath, but so what? I put my hands down again. It’s not that I lack confidence about my appearance. I’m probably more confident than most girls, actually. But if all that makes me worth anything are nice skin and firm muscles, then that worth will just go down, down, down over the next ten or twenty years. I felt like I was suffocating. How could I fill up the hollow frame? I didn’t know. But I could easily imagine spending the rest of my life using meaningless decorations to paper over that fear of rotting away.
The strong people didn’t need any of that to be confident. How could I become like that?
Tama’s and Tomozaki’s faces appeared in my mind’s eye.
My chest grew tight, and a chill passed through me.
Er, wait a second.
“Eee!”
That wasn’t a metaphor. Something literally cold was falling on my head. The hot water in the shower had suddenly run out and shocked me out of my daze.
This had been happening a lot lately. That’s why I’d made sure to check the temperature at the start.
It was like the cold water was scolding me to snap out of the negative spiral. Rude. I wasn’t sure if I should be angry or grateful.
Despite the complex feelings toward my shower, I was still in a simpler state of mind as I washed my face and hair and body. Still grumbling a little, I climbed into the tub and had a good soak like a normal person.
* * *
As I predicted, when I got out of the bath, my mom was passed out on the sofa.
Oh geez. Was she cool or not cool? Ergh.
“Hey, wake up!”
“…Mmm.”
My mom rubbed her eyes sleepily. Uh-oh, she was smearing her mascara all over. When my mom switched off, she really let it all hang loose. It was cool—but also not a good habit to have.
“Hey, you can take your bath now!”
“Mmm…okay.” She stared at me solemnly with her panda face, then tilted her head to the side. “Mi-chan, did something happen?”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“Am I imagining it, or do you look a little sad?”
I jumped a little. My mom doesn’t usually say stuff like that. But her timing was perfect, since I’d just been thinking about everything. My mom is amazing.
“Um…kind of.”
“Hmm, hmm.”
She stared at me. She didn’t interrogate me, just waited patiently. I thought about whining to her, then decided I’d stick it out a little longer on my own.
“But, um, I’m going to give it another try.”
“…Oh, okay.”
She stood up and took her nightgown out of the dresser. Then she tottered over toward the bathroom. Partway there, she stopped, scratched her head, and turned back toward me.
“Mi-chan, I want you to remember something.”
“Huh?”
“Being strong and just dealing with stuff is really hard at times.” She looked a little embarrassed, but she kept her eyes on me. “…But sometimes, putting up with things you don’t like helps everything go more smoothly, right?”
“Um…I think so.”
Like when the mood is about to get awkward, so you compromise a little and play the part of entertainer. When you’re tired, but you sacrifice yourself to keep something bad from happening.
I think I do that more than most people.
“What I mean is…” She paused, like she was struggling to find the right words for it. “You do it because things aren’t going well.”
That fit in with my own experience, so it made sense.
“That’s my advice as a sales manager.” She winked at me playfully, just like I would do. I’m glad I take after her.
“You’re so amazing, Mom,” I said candidly.
She smiled proudly. “You bet your boots!”
“So much for modesty!” I smirked at her, but I couldn’t help feeling happy. “All you had to do was look at my face and you knew everything.”
For the first time, she looked away. “Oh, th-that?”
Huh? Why’s she acting weird?
“…Are you hiding something?” I asked.
Her expression changed, like she’d been caught red-handed. For a grown-up, she sure is easy to read.
“…What?”
“Um, well…”
“Yes?”
“Well, I knew something was up because you were talking to yourself in the bathtub.”
“Oh, you could hear me?”
“That’s why I thought something happened. But, you know, I get more Cool Mom Points if I guess from your face.”
How could I dislike her when she said things like that? “I take it back…”
“What are you talking about? Bluffing is crucial in sales, too!”
“Now I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not…”
Still, I couldn’t complain, since she’d made me feel better.
She giggled like a little girl. “Anyway, if you’re worrying about something, take your mind off it and do something you love for a little while! I’m taking my bath, okay? Man, I’m about ready to pass out.”
She slipped into the bathroom. A few minutes later, I heard her humming really loudly. These walls are like paper.
Do something I love…
I think it must be—
* * *
After that, I went running every day when I got home from school. That’s what I love, at least right now.
I found a goal, like Hinami suggested.
I wanted to break my own record in the Chase-Off.
Since my event was high jump, I didn’t care about speed, and I never ran more than I needed to. If I focused on short-distance runs now, I should be able to beat my previous record. After all, even though I was more field than track, I was one of the faster girls on the team. Not as fast as Aoi, of course.
Plus, I’d discovered something.
When I went out running by myself the other day, it felt like I was being pulled forward. It was wonderful. When I thought back on it, I realized I was keeping a good pace. My brain was focused on running, all my senses were sharpened, and my form was probably close to perfect and carrying me forward faster than usual. It was kind of like a trance. The improvement might have been tiny, but if I could do that every time, I figured I’d be able to beat my record in the Chase-Off.
“…Here we go!”
I ran hard today, too.
I used to be jealous of Aoi, and I even thought of quitting the team.
But I still liked track—I still liked running.
I’d run and run until I outran my muddled thoughts. I’d leave ’em in the dust.
And then I’d run off into the sunset.
* * *
A few days passed, and the day of the Chase-Off arrived.
“Go, go, go!”
“Nishimura sure got fast!”
Groups of two second-years and two first-years were running the hundred meter. A bunch of groups had already gone, with some wins and some losses for us second-years.
“Nice job!”
“Ah-ha-ha, that was close.”
“I knew you’d win…”
The races finished one after the next in groups of four. When the second-years made it to the end of the track, they left their title of “team member” there and returned as high schoolers focused on university entrance exams. Once you ran down there, you couldn’t come back as a track team member.
“Okay, last group!”
I realized something. There were twenty-six girls on the team.
If we ran in groups of four, that would leave two people at the end.
What pair would the coach and younger students choose?
Our coach, Ms. Yasuoka, called the name of the last two racers.
“Hinami and Nanami!”
“Coming!”
“Oh, this is gonna be close!” I joked, but inside my nervousness was welling up.
I was being pitted directly against Aoi.
Our records have been compared in the past, and we’ve had different results at meets. In that sense, we’ve competed indirectly lots of times. But now that we’d started doing different events, it had been ages since we actually competed one-on-one on the same track.
This would be our very last race against each other.
“No way I’m losing this!” I joked to psyche myself up.
Aoi pumped her fist. “Make my day!”
She grinned competitively and bumped fists with me. Normally, Aoi is nice, but when it comes to competitions, I know she’s not the type to let the other person win.
I felt more nervous than excited—but this was a chance.
The rest of the team was bubbling with excitement. The indisputable ace of the track team was about to face off against me, who probably had the best record aside from her. Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but I couldn’t imagine a better opportunity to finish off my track career with a bang.
“Mimimi! Get her back for the election!” someone called good-naturedly.
Those words gripped my heart. I’d lost to Aoi at so many things. Academics, sports, even relationships with certain people—I felt a little inferior in so many ways.
And that’s exactly why I was on fire.
Aoi and I walked to the start line.
“On your marks!”
After all…
“Set!”
…I hate to lose.
“Go!”
We burst forward, neither of us holding anything back.
We were about even at the start, or maybe I was a tiny bit faster. I’m confident in my muscle power and reflexes, so I knew I couldn’t let down my guard just because I was doing well at the start. After all, I was racing Aoi.
I sensed her right behind me. Her feet were pounding the ground sharply in an even rhythm, and they sounded like they were searching for a chance to overtake me.
Even though I was obsessed with her presence, I tried to focus on my own running and find the zone. The world where I could feel myself being pulled powerfully forward.
I still wasn’t there.
I started to panic.
My rhythm was going to break, and Aoi would fly past me as soon as it did.
If I couldn’t get in my zone, that feeling of failure clawing up my back would drag me down until I lost my stride.
I thought about how I felt when I was running in my neighborhood. I wasn’t thinking about wins and losses. I was loving how good it felt to run. I was striving to beat my own record.
If only I could find that feeling now…
I switched mental channels.
Your goal right now isn’t to escape Aoi.
It’s to enjoy the moment and run as fast as you can.
Don’t listen to Aoi’s footsteps.
Focus on your own.
My emotional orientation shifted. Gradually, my sensations became clearer and sharper.
I was just starting to feel that tug forward.
I remembered what Tomozaki had told me when I was upset about the situation with Aoi.
Isn’t it enough to forget about being number one and fight because you want to grow?
Isn’t it enough to win against yourself, instead of worrying about other people?
I think at the time I said it wasn’t enough, but…hmm. Now I was starting to understand his point.
I could definitely run faster this way!
The finish line was only a dozen or so meters away. No one was ahead of me.
My body grew lighter. My feet were bouncing over the ground.
I ran so fast I could feel the wind against my skin and the cheering around me.
Forward, forward—leaving my worries behind. My problems didn’t stand a chance.
I reveled in the run itself, in this world made for me and me alone.
Before I realized it, my own body was breaking through the tape.
I’d beat Aoi.
I ran a couple of strides past the finish line, then turned around. Aoi was bent over with her hands on her knees, looking frustrated and surprised.
I waited for a minute, but she still didn’t say anything, so I decided to break the silence.
“Huff…puff… Heh-heh, I won…!”
Aoi pouted, still breathing hard. Then she said, in a cutely jealous tone—
“I want a rematch!”
I burst out laughing. She frowned and gave me a pitiful stare.
Huh. This is a different Aoi but still cute!
“Mimimi, you were so fast! I’m jealous! Let’s go again!”
She sounded meeker than usual, but I didn’t give in.
“No way! Next time I’ll lose for sure, so I’m quitting while I’m ahead!”
“N-no fair.”
I waved victoriously at the crowd and walked toward the start line. The rest of the team was buzzing over the surprise outcome, and I was an instant celebrity.
I glanced back and felt a wave of affection for the frustrated Aoi, so I followed my instincts.
“Eeek!”
She was completely unguarded right then, so this time, my attempt to wrap my arms around her succeeded. She was so soft, and she smelled so nice—I was in heaven.
“Hey! What are you doing?!”
“This is my reward for winning!”
“Hmph. I just lost one race. If we count first year, the record’s still four to one in my favor. Too bad for you!”
“That doesn’t matter!” I protested, like an idiot. And I definitely am one.
I mean, this was all it took for me to feel so lighthearted and proud.
The sky was a brilliant blue. The sunbeams shining through the cold winter air felt amazing.
I’m certain what I left at the finish line wasn’t just my title of “track team member” but all the worries and uncertainty simmering in my heart for so long.
Yeah. I love running.
The wind blew, and I glanced back at the finish line.
The crumpled remains of the broken tape fluttered on the ground.