10: What happened next

“What?”

“Bye!”

Before I knew it, I was running, with the dumbfounded Tomozaki behind me. I kept running and turned left at my usual corner, not glancing behind even once. He couldn’t see me anymore, but I was still going. Chaotic thoughts were spinning through my mind even faster than the scenery flying past me, stirring my heart into a complete mess.

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? I can’t believe I said that. I can’t believe I said that!

I hadn’t meant to. I didn’t even know half of my own feelings.

It was like my mouth had spoken the words on its own.

“Actually, I do like you like that.” Seriously?

I ran around to the back of my apartment building and sat down on the steps, lacing my restless fingers together. I was panting, but not just because I’d been running. The world flickered in and out from the lack of oxygen going to my brain. My lips wouldn’t stop trembling.

“…Tomozaki,” I whispered, and it was so embarrassing that I could feel my cheeks lighting on fire. “Ergh!! …Gaaaah!”

No matter how much emotion was spilling out, my heart never seemed to get less full. I tried to yell it all out, but the heat swirling around my chest stayed where it was.

“…Haaah.”

My breath felt hotter than usual. It turned white as it left my mouth, as if my feelings were becoming material and sticking to my face now.

“Dammit…”

I didn’t mean to say it. I didn’t mean to tell him how I felt.

Tomozaki seemed to get along with Kikuchi-san, and he was weirdly close with Aoi, too. I’d heard he went to a festival at a girls’ school, and there were lots of pictures of girls on his Instagram account. Every time I saw or heard one of those things, my heart would get all foggy.

I’d been pretending I didn’t notice those feelings and telling myself they didn’t exist. When I was with him, I acted like everything was normal.

But I think I knew all along. I couldn’t make excuses any longer.

I’d always liked him.

While I was busy refusing to look at them, my feelings had grown bigger. I think part of me hoped that if I released those feelings by telling Tomozaki the truth, I’d feel better.

But…what? What was going on?

I’d told him, and I wasn’t any calmer.

In fact, I felt worse.

I couldn’t take my words back, but I couldn’t bear to just sit there doing nothing, so I opened Tomozaki’s Instagram and swiped all the way down, refreshing it over and over again. Of course, there was no way he’d post his feelings on Insta. But still…

I was getting antsy, so I opened up my chat window with him on LINE and read back through the messages. But if he sent me a message right then, he’d know I read it instantly, so I closed the window. Then I opened up his LINE timeline, which he’d never once updated, and started reading through it and refreshing it over and over, too, starting briefly when I saw the zaki in Sakura Kashiwazaki’s name. God, I’m stupid. Then I opened up his LINE home page but sighed when I saw the words There are no posts on this page yet. Figures.

No, I had to stop. This was only messing me up worse. I resolutely turned my phone off, but then I started worrying that he might send me a message, so I turned it right back on again. Then I got disappointed when no message came and started feeling depressed for no good reason.

Dammit. Even I had no idea what I wanted. I might be a hopeless case.

“…I’m such an idiot.”

Tama had called me the biggest idiot in the world, and it was possible she was right. Who confesses their feelings on the spur of the moment and just runs off?

Yeah, I’d done it now. I’d confessed my feelings.

I told Tomozaki I liked him—that I had feelings for him.

Suddenly, I was seeing him in my mind.

He seemed so weak and uncertain, but at the crucial moments, he looked the truth straight in the face with strength in his eyes.

He was lazy but somehow still bigger and stronger than me, with broader shoulders. He’d worked hard to change—but that awkward smile of his was still the same as always.

Each memory shook up my heart a little more.

“…So what now?”

When I thought about it rationally, I could only come up with negative scenarios. Tomorrow was terrifying. When I saw his face in my head, my heart seized up.

Just the thought of rejection made me shiver. But the scariest possibility was that things would get awkward and I’d lose the relationship I’d had with him.

In which case, I’d rather he pretended nothing had happened and treat me like he always had. But ultimately, our relationship would change whether I liked it or not.

I should probably wait for his answer, right? Which means I shouldn’t say much more. If you’re too pushy about these things, people think you’re annoying or pathetic, right? Or should I push my case just a little, so I won’t become just another girl to him? Or? Ergh, what do I do?! I have no idea.

This sucks. I really hate it. I tend to think things through fairly well, so why do they never go how I plan? Why am I always getting myself in trouble?

It’s weird. And exhausting.

Why is life so hard?!