Volume 5, Chapter 32 – Tilulu Alexia Lujue

From the well to Fia’s room, a short distance of only a few dozen meters, took Tilulu a full two minutes. She had walked this path countless times, but today was the longest and heaviest. The howling cold wind outside blew withered branches and vines against the window, their swaying appearance like the hands of a zombie, the harsh scraping sound sending a chill down one’s spine.

If it were a child of her age, this scene would have been enough to make them hide under the covers in fear. But to Tilulu, these things were of no consequence. The withered branches blown by the wind did bring to mind twisted phantoms, but compared to the scenes of intestines and brains spilled on the ground, a mixture of white, yellow, pink, and other organs and fat, it was merely child’s play. She completely ignored the scene outside the window, her head lowered as she walked step by step to Fia’s door.

Though it was just an ordinary, even old-looking wooden plank, to the current Tilulu, it was like a heavy stone gate weighing a thousand pounds. She reached out, intending to knock, but her hand stopped just short of the door, as if an invisible hand were stopping her, preventing her from making this reckless decision.

What this so-called invisible hand was, was already self-evident. The being named Tilulu Lujue understood that the moment her hand touched the door, she could never turn back.

Although they had only been together for a week, from the teacher’s perspective, all the effort, emotion, time, and energy invested in this week would be wasted. One treats their student with sincerity, wanting to help this person who claimed to be the queen of the Cold Night ascend the throne. But after just a few steps, just as they were beginning to see results, the student gives it all up, saying that wanting to be queen was just a lie. Anyone would be disappointed and angry.

Tilulu could already imagine Fia’s reaction. When she heard her say she wanted to give up, Fia would first be surprised and ask what had happened. Then, when she stammered that she didn’t have the makings of a queen and didn’t dare to face the suffocating pressure of the future, Fia would encourage her, trying to salvage the situation. Finally, when she stated clearly that she could not be the queen, that she was just a coward, and that the steps she had taken were just her getting lost in a game of house, Fia would finally show an extremely disappointed expression, and they would part ways.

It was a perfectly normal ending. Anyone would have reacted this way. Cowardice itself was not a fault. Her fault lay in agreeing to her teacher’s words. If she had refused from the beginning, it wouldn’t have come to this. They could have gotten along happily. She could have always been the pitiful queen in her teacher’s heart who needed protection, and she could have seen her teacher from time to time, leaving a mark on each other’s hearts.

How pathetic.

Tilulu sneered at herself.

At this point, she had no way back. If things continued, it would only lead to greater disappointment for everyone. She had to let Fia know that she was just a person with a royal bloodline but no royal ability. Such a person should not and could not be a queen.

After a simple explanation, she would take Radric and her followers and leave the Cold Night overnight, hiding as far away as possible. The reason could be to recuperate and return when she was strong enough. That way, everyone could live their lives in peace and no longer suffer from being on the run.

With her mind made up, Tilulu finally put force into her hand and knocked on the door.

Knock, knock.

“The door’s unlocked. Come in.”

Fia’s voice came from inside. During the day, Tilulu had found this cool and clear voice incredibly reassuring, but now it was like a red-hot branding iron, making her terrified.

She forced herself to remain calm.

“Alright…”

Does my voice sound so dejected?

With this thought, Tilulu opened the door. Then, she saw Fia rushing towards her. That face, as if blessed with all of a goddess’s favor, a masterpiece carved by God, was filled with surprise. And when this caring teacher noticed her state, the surprise quickly turned to worry and anger, like a parent who had seen their child being bullied.

On the run, Tilulu had once seen two families fight. The cause was that a child from one family had bullied a child from the other. When those parents saw their child had been hit, their expression was just like Fia’s now. They had stormed over to the other family’s house, just short of forcing the bully to kneel and apologize with a knife.

Although it was a crude act, it made Tilulu incredibly envious of the bullied child. He was cared for and protected, able to show his weakness and incompetence to his family at will. But if she, as royalty, were bullied, she would only be scolded in a didactic tone: if someone bullies you, you have to hit back with greater force.

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This was, of course, a beastfolk tradition, but in the end, she was just a twelve-or-thirteen-year-old girl. To command her to be strong and independent with the standards of a king was too harsh. Perhaps her age was not that young. Among humans, she would have already passed the age of apprenticeship and started earning money for her family. But she had lost her parents when she was six. The things a person lacked in their childhood would be made up for in other ways when they grew up. She had not been shown love at the right time, so now she craved the care of others even more. Even if it were realized in a twisted form, she would gladly accept it.

Unfortunately, this thing she had so desperately craved in the past was to be shattered by her own hand tonight.

She bit her lower lip hard, silent, and let Fia take her hand and lead her into the room.

“Tilulu, what’s wrong with you?”

The moment her fingers touched Tilulu’s skin, Fia’s hand subconsciously pulled back. Tilulu was as cold as if she had just come out of an ice cellar.

Because the light was dim before, Fia hadn’t been able to see clearly. Now that she had used [Light] to illuminate the room, she realized that not only was Tilulu soaked to the skin and shivering from the cold, but her lips had also turned a purplish-blue from her low body temperature.

She frowned, and while pulling the still-dripping Tilulu onto the rug by the table, she used [Fairy Fire] to raise the room’s temperature. She had actually wanted to have her take off her wet clothes immediately, but her silent appearance made a strong sense of unease rise in Fia’s heart.

“Tilulu?”

“Teacher, let’s just end it here.”

Tilulu did not look up, but said in a small voice, her tone suppressing the fluctuations of her emotions.

“End it here? What do you mean?”

For a moment, Fia thought that she had discovered that she was being used.

The words felt as if they weighed a thousand pounds. Tilulu gritted her teeth and, with great effort, managed to say what she wanted to.

“I don’t have the qualities to be a queen. I’m not worth you investing so much effort in me. A few days ago, I was just indulging in a fantasy of playing house, treating you as a family member who pampered and cared for me… I didn’t sincerely want to become the queen of the Cold Night. I only answered that way to meet everyone’s expectations… I feel sorry and guilty for the effort you’ve put in over the past week, but such a mistake shouldn’t continue. I want to end it before things get worse…”

“I have neither the talent nor the character to satisfy you. I’m just a weak coward. With your ability and charm, you will surely meet a student more suitable than me. So let’s end it early. It’s for the good of everyone…”

Tilulu’s voice grew fainter, and by the end, it was as if she couldn’t bring herself to speak, and nothing could be heard. However, even so, it was enough for Fia to understand why she had become so listless and drenched.

Tilulu hadn’t discovered that she was being used. She had chosen to give up on her own.

Fia could understand this reaction. Everyone wanted to enjoy the treatment of a king, but those with expectations only saw the enjoyable side and didn’t notice the hardships and tribulations one had to go through on the way. The Sword of Damocles had been enough to make him lose interest in fine food and women, not to mention he had become king immediately, not after experiencing separation, death, and war. This was a difficulty that would make ninety-nine percent of people flinch.

Tilulu had chosen to retreat precisely because she had foreseen this. Fia looked down at her, her shoulders trembling slightly, her expression gloomy. Although this was unexpected, it was also reasonable. She had seen her weakness long ago and had been surprised why she had the heart to become queen. These were contradictory existences. Now she finally understood. She was just being held hostage by the expectations of Radric and her followers and had no choice but to say so.

I chose the wrong person to support.

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Although she already understood everything, Fia couldn’t help but confirm it one more time. She asked in a steady voice.

“Are you serious? Because you can’t bear the hardships on the way to becoming queen, you’re giving up on becoming the queen of the Cold Night and avenging your murdered clansmen and followers?”

“No…” Tilulu’s voice was still listless. “If I had that qualification, I would do everything I could to live up to everyone’s expectations… but I don’t have it. I’m just a coward who can’t even bear the disappointed looks of others. Just less than a hundred people already made me have to give it my all. In the future, as more and more people believe in me, if I make a wrong decision, how should I face them—”

At this point, Tilulu’s voice suddenly stopped. She lowered her head deeply again, letting her gray hair cover her face.

“No, just pretending to be a queen and interacting with everyone is already beyond my ability. I’m just an ordinary beastman, neither smart nor powerful, only able to live by relying on others. Teacher, I don’t want to continue anymore. I will avenge my clan in other ways, but I will not become a queen… To be unable to meet your expectations, yet still let you spend so much time on me, I am very sorry…”

“Tonight, I will have Radric take everyone and leave the Cold Night, to a place where no one can find us. It’s better to hide and live out our lives with unrealistic fantasies than to get hurt by them. At least we won’t lose our lives… Goodbye, teacher. I will remember the warmth you’ve brought me this week, but please forget this despicable person who has hurt you.”

“Hey.”

Just as Tilulu turned around, Fia called out to her impatiently. However, she continued to walk towards the door without looking back. Fia clicked her tongue and used [Telekinesis] to pull her back.

This action almost made Tilulu fall at Fia’s feet, but she would not make such a mistake. She made Tilulu face her and then supported her. But to Fia’s surprise, Tilulu twisted her shoulders violently, trying to struggle out of her hands, her purple eyes even showing a look of desperation.

“I’m no longer qualified to be by your side, teacher!”

“I’m the one who decides whether you’re qualified or not!”

Because of the irritation in her heart, Fia’s voice was much louder. This unprecedentedly firm attitude made Tilulu’s movements freeze. Fia took this opportunity, placed both hands on her slender shoulders, and forced her to look at her.

“So you can live up to the expectations of Radric and nearly a hundred followers, but not mine? Is that all I am to you?”

“No,” Tilulu subconsciously avoided her gaze. Her eyes were already red, and her lips were pursed in grievance. She didn’t want to leave Fia, but she had to. “It’s that your expectations for me are too high. I can’t meet them.”

“Radric expects you to become the queen of the Cold Night, and I also hope you become the queen. What’s the difference?”

“Because you have the ability to realize this expectation, and my ability does not match yours. I am not worthy of being the person you expect! Teacher, not everyone can face everyone’s expectations and trust as calmly as you, and do whatever they want. You are a talented and wise person, and I have nothing. You are not me. You can’t understand how I feel… you can’t understand…”

At the end of her emotional words, Tilulu’s body was as if it had been drained of all strength. If Fia hadn’t been supporting her, she would have already collapsed to the ground.

As if she understood something, Fia was silent for a moment. She didn’t want to see Tilulu give up on herself like this, but she also understood that her request was too high for her, beyond her ability.

Since it has come to the point of a final farewell, then I have nothing to hold back.

Even though she didn’t want things to develop to this point, and there were countless ways to win her back, she still had to choose this way. She was not used to lying, let alone using a helpless, twelve or thirteen-year-old girl who had lost her parents. This persistence was like when she first came to this world. She could have easily integrated into the role of the Eldest Princess, but in the end, she had struggled with it. This was her principle of how to live. She didn’t want to continue doing things against her will, let alone make the lie bigger and bigger.

Fia took a deep breath, her eyes distant and stern, her tone becoming impolite.

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“In that case… alright, Tilulu, I’ll be honest with you too. I never had any expectations for you from the beginning. I chose you only because you were easy to control. Both Chazo and Nola have their own ideas, but you have no one to rely on. If I could gain your trust and establish an emotional connection with you, in the future, when you become queen, you would, because of our relationship, make the Cold Night the most solid ally of Silvar. This is only beneficial to Silvar. So, my helping you is purely for my own benefit. Understand?”

“Wh—”

As if she had heard something incredible, Tilulu’s purple eyes instantly widened, and her lips trembled. Her previous aura vanished like a receding tide. She stared blankly at Fia, her expression filled with disbelief.

“J-just for your own benefit? Teacher… you… you must be lying to me, right?”

“Otherwise, why do you think I would choose someone who is unrelated to me, and is weak and incompetent?”

“No… how could that be…”

In an instant, Tilulu felt as if something had exploded in her mind. Her vision spun, and her stomach churned even more violently. A whimper escaped her throat. She wanted to cover her mouth, but because her shoulders were held by Fia, she couldn’t even raise her hands.

Fia continued to stare at her.

She had thought Tilulu would raise her hand and slap her, cursing her for deceiving her emotions. However, even after she let go of her, Tilulu did not do so. She just collapsed, her arms covering her face, and began to sob softly.

The sound of her crying was like an invisible spear piercing through Fia’s chest, causing an indescribable pain in her heart.

Fia squatted down. She wanted to use an even more serious tone than before, but when the words came out, they became gentle.

“But, Tilulu, if I had only chosen to help you for my own benefit, we would never have come to this point. That thought would have remained just a thought from the very beginning and would never have been put into action. What I mean is, if you weren’t you, but a strong young man, or a capable woman like Nola or Ying, I would have used other methods to make the Cold Night an ally of Silvar. I chose you only because you are Tilulu, with no one to rely on, no power to help you, and no ability to change anything. Because I myself wanted to help you, I chose you.”

“Without this layer, I would not have had any expectations for you. Who would have expectations for someone with no hope of becoming a queen? But I want to see you change the current situation, no longer be hunted by Chazo, and no longer be that timid and hesitant person who doesn’t even dare to speak because of a lack of confidence. It is precisely because of this that I chose you and took action. Cultivating a relationship with you for the benefit of Silvar was just an excuse for self-hypnosis. It allowed me to accept why you, of all people, became the one I supported.”

“So I am more anxious than Radric for you to become queen, and I want to see you rule the Cold Night even more. Because only then will it represent that my efforts were worthwhile, that you have responded to my expectations and grown into an amazing person. At that time, I will be happier than you.”

However, these words could not make Tilulu truly accept the fate of becoming a queen. Fia knew this well.

A person could indeed become brave in the face of life’s difficulties due to the encouragement of others, but this was not long-lasting. They could often only maintain a temporary passion and would soon be defeated by life. What could truly help them defeat life was practical action.

Facing Tilulu, who was still sobbing with her slender arms covering her face, Fia said with great seriousness.

“The road to becoming a queen is long and arduous. My words alone are but a drop in the ocean. Since you dare not face it, I have an idea. Tilulu, if you trust me and still want to continue this game of house you mentioned, then recognize me as your mother. That way, I will have a direct reason to help you. You are my daughter, and there is nothing unreasonable about a mother helping her daughter regain her face. I will solve the problems you can’t, and whoever bullies you, I will pay them back tenfold, until they submit to you.”

“The beastfolk do revere strength, but I don’t think they’re willing to give up their lives for it. Besides, the Polar Night Goddess and the White Night Goddess are not beastfolk. As long as my power is on par with the gods, then I am a god. It is not shameful to rely on the power of a mother or a god.”

“…”

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Hearing the incredible words again, Tilulu’s sobbing gradually stopped. She lowered her arms, her dirty face, a mixture of ice water, tears, and dust, filled with a dazed and astonished look. She stared at Fia, as if she didn’t understand what had just happened.

Fia reached out and wiped the tears from her face, her tone extremely gentle.

“Everyone’s disappointment is only based on you doing something wrong. So, all you have to do is rely on me properly. That way, even if you make a mistake, it can be remedied in time. And, no one can guarantee that they will never make a mistake. Even the most sophisticated machine—no, even my father Yelido, the current Elf King, has times when he commits unforgivable sins. What you lack can be made up for through learning and life experience. All you have to do is believe in me and work twice as hard to become the queen of the Cold Night. If you encounter another time like today when you’re depressed and can’t go on, just come to me, because you are my daughter.”

As if to give her time to think, Fia deliberately paused. It wasn’t until Tilulu opened her mouth, a look of wanting to say something on her face, that she slowly continued.

“But I must say this first. I will not allow myself to have an unworthy daughter. From the moment you accept me, it means you accept the fate of becoming the queen of the Cold Night. I will see you as my true daughter. If you are willing, then stand up, change your clothes, and never show that look as if no one can help you again, because you have me now.”

Saying this, Fia stood up and extended her hand to the drenched Tilulu, who was kneeling on the rug.

What needed to be said had been said. Now it was up to her own choice.

Claire had been right that night in the village. If the person who needed help wasn’t Tilulu, but Chazo, she would never have helped and would have just sat on the mountain and watched the tigers fight. The so-called benefit was just an excuse for her to help. Thinking about it, it was really far-fetched. This was probably what they called “being unable to see the wood for the trees.” Claire had seen her desire to help Tilulu long ago.

Time seemed to have passed for a century. Tilulu, who had been staring at Fia’s palm, finally slowly reached out her hand. Then, a trembling, as if testing, petite palm gently rested on Fia’s.

The suspended heart finally fell. Fia’s tense face relaxed. She held Tilulu’s outstretched hand in return and, disregarding the fact that her whole body was as cold as a block of ice, pulled her from the ground and into her arms. Tilulu had not disappointed her. She could not abandon this feeling.

Tightly hugged by the warm Fia, Tilulu, as if embarrassed, or as if afraid of shattering this hard-won dream, buried her face in Fia’s front and asked in a small voice mixed with a hint of a whimper.

“C-can I really…?”

“Of course you can. But I still hope you can call me ‘Mom’ or ‘Mother’. It’s a bit of a ceremony.”

“Then…” Tilulu bit her lip. After a long while, she timidly and very awkwardly called out, “Mo… Mom…”

Ugh.

This is truly… so this is what it feels like to be called ‘Mom’.

Fia’s heart couldn’t help but flutter. Then, she felt something more in her chest. It seemed that from this moment on, their hearts were connected, and she and Tilulu had formed an unbreakable bond.

“Ah, from now on, you are my daughter, Dofilia Alexia Yushir’s daughter, Tilulu Alexia Lujue.”

Instantly, Fia felt the young queen in her arms tremble. Then, as if to vent all the suffering and grievances she had endured over the years, uncontrollable wails echoed throughout the room.

Translator Note

uh…