Chapter 6: Remaining Time

Chapter 6: Remaining Time

Chapter 6:

Remaining Time

I ’D HAD A DISAGREEMENT with Kei over a matter related to Ichinose. Quite some time had passed since I had started to intentionally minimize contact with her. Due to an unforeseen accident—namely, Kei catching the flu—she and I were unable to meet for Christmas, and before we knew it, it was already the end of the year. December 29th had arrived. We’d agreed to meet at three o’clock, somewhat late in the day, in a very businesslike manner. Until then, I spent an ordinary day off in my room, not doing anything in particular. I watched TV, read books, surfed the internet, and listened to music. I had thought it would be boring, but it was precisely how mundane it was that made it so fulfilling.

With twenty minutes to go before we were scheduled to meet, I decided to leave the dormitory. I was planning to meet her at the entrance to Keyaki Mall, but we might just happen to bump into one another on the way there. That’s what I thought, anyway, but there was no sign of Kei in the dormitory lobby or outside the building.

I immersed myself in my thoughts once more.

What does “dating” mean to me? What is “love,” in the first place?

When I looked up the definition for dating in the dictionary, I found several, but I figured that the most applicable meaning to me and Kei right now would be “(romantic) involvement with a lover.” Straightforward enough. I could interpret it literally. On the other hand, when I looked up the definition of “love” in the dictionary, one definition was, “A feeling of romantic yearning.”

Yearning. Feeling. Could I know what love is after tomorrow?

That was the first thing I thought about. I had discovered many emotions at this school. Classes, chatting with friends, conversations with teachers, shopping, hanging out. Along the way I’d learned a great many things, like what was interesting, what wasn’t interesting, what was fun, what wasn’t fun, what was delicious, what wasn’t delicious. More than that.

By going out with Kei, I’d gained a great deal of information, going through the experience firsthand. The sorts of things that you could only do when you were lovers—the conversations, the dates, and the act of sleeping with them, feeling their bare skin against yours. I could probably say that I had performed optimally in all situations required of me.

In that case…could I say that I had learned the feeling of yearning? The answer would be no, absolutely not. I had not learned that emotion. My heart still hadn’t ever been stirred in any way, even since before I started dating Kei. That was something I had still been searching for deep down, day after day after day.

I didn’t know the exact answer, but I had an idea. I was looking at Kei as a tool by which I would learn about love. Meaning, in other words, I prioritized gaining the experience exclusive to lovers. I never lingered on any particular emotion because I went on to the next steps before my mind could dwell on simply wanting Kei. I had no regrets though, of course: I had learned a lot of things from Kei. However, the time for me to decide how long this relationship was going to continue was approaching.

Kei was the student in Horikita’s class with the most intense, depressing darkness in her heart. She tried to be strong, but at the same time, she had dependency issues. I used that and took control of her. However, if these intense dependency issues remained, I would not be able to realize my goal. Now that I had new plans, it was essential to rid myself of that dependency. It was for that very reason I would earn the freedom to learn things anew. Would I be hesitant to break up with Kei or not? If I felt regret in letting her go, I supposed that might be called “love.”

There was still close to five minutes before we were scheduled to meet, but Kei was already waiting for me. She was looking down, still unaware of my presence. Considering the time, though, she should have been paying attention to her surroundings. Did she have feelings of fear in her heart, that even when she looked up, she might not see me approach? Or was she reluctant to look at me, face-to-face?

“You’re early.” I called to Kei as I approached, making sure to do so early enough that I would not startle her greatly.

“Ah!” Kei looked up. The look on her face didn’t say, “Let’s go out on the date that we couldn’t have on Christmas, just the two of us!” It was riddled with anxiety and worry. At the very least, though, she didn’t show any feeling of disgust, disappointment, or loss of interest.

“H-hey,” she managed, “i-it’s, uh, been a while…”

“Yes. I think it’s been about three weeks since we’ve been alone together like this.”

After exchanging those brief words, we stood facing each other, just out of reach. Even though Kei and I used to get close enough to each other that we could touch each other naturally, right now, it was like there was something wedged between us. Perhaps it’d been so long that there was an awkward feeling hanging in the air.

“So, I hear that you’re feeling completely better now?” I asked.

“Yeah. Who told you?”

“I got a phone call from Satou last night, she was worried. I heard then.”

“Oh, I see…”

Kei still didn’t seem like her usual self at all, still acting somewhat distant and cold. Wow, even after sharing so many secrets, someone could change in their demeanor like this just out of insecurity, huh?

“Anyway, how about we head on inside for now?” I asked.

“Sure…”

It was cold outside in winter. So I decided to take Kei inside the mall first.

“What are we going to do?” she asked.

“Good question. Originally, the plan was to go see the Christmas tree…”

“Yeah…”

The Christmas tree had already been taken down, leaving only a large empty space. That area wouldn’t be filled with people like that again until next Halloween and next Christmas.

“It’s too bad you didn’t get to see it,” I told her.

“Yeah…”

Even now we had met up and started walking around, Kei simply repeated “Yeah” to everything over and over, cold and distant. Well, I supposed that was only natural. Besides, the estrangement that we were going through now had originated from me in the first place. It wasn’t strange for there to be tension if one member of the couple spent time with members of the opposite sex. Any objective observer would interpret what I did as cheating. Kei likely didn’t have the courage to be able to broach that subject.

I had Kei stand directly in front of me, then I put my hands together and bowed my head deeply. “Anyway, please allow me to apologize for what happened as a result of the misunderstanding about that matter with Ichinose.”

“Kiyotaka…” said Kei.

“It’s reasonable that you would feel angry and anxious, Kei,” I went on. “To be clear, you are not at fault at all.”

“Th-that’s not… I’m the one who… I said lots of mean things, I—”

“That’s not true. In fact, I think you put up with a lot from me.”

Kei didn’t subject me to all manner of verbal abuse or name-calling at all back then. All she did was voice her dissatisfaction, which was perfectly in her rights to do.

“I really wanted to apologize much earlier, but ultimately, this ended up coming late.” As I made my apology, I took out the box that I had tucked into my pocket ahead of time.

“What’s that…?” asked Kei.

“It’s a late Christmas present. Please accept it.”

Kei slowly reached out her hand, and then pulled it back. A frightened reaction, showing that she still hadn’t fully rid herself of her anxiety. Touching her stiffened hand, I gently slipped the box into it. Then, I took her coat and urged her to open the box.

“It’s okay for me to open it?” she asked.

“Of course,” I replied.

Kei, having made up her mind, opened the lid while holding onto the bottom of the box with her left. Inside the box was a glittering necklace. She stared at it for a while and then looked up in surprise.

“I… Did I tell you that I wanted this, Kiyotaka…?!”

“I knew you wanted it, without having to ask you directly. I saw you looking it up many times on your phone. I looked at a bunch of other things too, but this one in particular seemed special.”

Some of the precious jewelry I had looked at had been even more expensive than this item, but I couldn’t imagine that Kei, who knew me and understood our position as students, would have aimed too high, asking for anything absurdly expensive. At first, I thought that I had definitely made the correct decision in picking out this item, but…

“…” Kei remained frozen in place, necklace in hand.

“Did I make the wrong choice?” I asked.

If I had messed up, then that would mean that I failed because of my own self-serving behavior. However, Kei, still clutching the necklace tightly, frantically shook her head from side to side.

“No, no, it’s perfect…!”

“I see. I’m glad to hear that.”

“This…isn’t a dream, is it?!”

Kei was so overjoyed she started crying right on the spot, not caring that she might be seen. I could judge that her dependency on me had reached its complete peak at this current moment in time. Even if I forced her to do something unspeakable, she would probably agree. However, I was not going to end our relationship right here and now. Even if I were to cut myself off from Kei right now, that wouldn’t lead to a fundamental solution.

“Kiyotaka?” As I was thinking, Kei looked up at me, puzzled, her eyes moist.

“You’re staying over tonight, right?” I asked.

With a big, contented smile on her face, Kei wrapped around my arm. “I-I was worried that you didn’t think I was good enough anymore, I…!”

“So, will you accept my gift?”

“Of course!” Kei, still clutching the necklace in her hands, cried, large teardrops streaming down her face. “So, does this really mean…that everything will be how it used to be?”

“Yes. Things are back to how they used to be,” I assured her.

“Really, really? Like, for real? I can trust you?”

“You can trust me.” As Kei repeatedly asked me for confirmation, I held her close, telling her the same answer.

“I’m so glad! I’m so glad!” she wept.

“We couldn’t celebrate Christmas together, but let’s definitely make sure we celebrate your birthday together, Kei.”