Chapter 1: Undead Festival

Combatants Will Be Dispatched! — LNCrawler · All chapters

CHAPTER 1 Undead Festival

Kisaragi Corporation Grace Kingdom branch.

“Tiger Man, there’s something wrong with me. I feel strange. My heart won’t stop racing…”

“You’ve always been strrrange, but there’s nothing wrong nyeow. What’s cute is cute. Just accept it.”

Here in a suburban house currently given the ridiculously exaggerated role of a hideout, Tiger Man and I sit discussing the deep truths of the world.

“But—but…this is a guy! Why am I getting so worked up?”

“It’s not like I preferrrr guys, either. It’s just that genderrrr doesn’t matter to me if they’re cute.”

“It sure matters to me!”

While we’re having this conversation, Russell is busily cleaning the windows in the French maid costume he’s been forced to wear, staring daggers at us the whole time.

It hasn’t been that long since we got into a war with the neighboring kingdom of Toris over an unfortunate misunderstanding. During that conflict, we managed to capture Russell of the Water.

Despite his initial resistance, Russell has submitted to his role, making good use of his abilities to create water for the kingdom.

And now…

…due to Tiger Man’s wishes, he’s somehow ended up working as a maid for Kisaragi.

Tiger Man and I crouch down, gazing up Russell’s skirt from below.

“What do you think, Tiger Man? I still think black panties and maid outfits don’t mix.”

“You rrreally don’t get it, do you? Maids are right next to nuns on the hotness scale. The gap between purrception and rrreality; the whole sense of taboo. That’s what makes maids with black underwear so grrrrreat!”

Yeah, I don’t get it.

“Tiger Man, are you using big words to sound smarter? I still don’t get what you’re saying, so I’d appreciate it if you could put it a little more simply.”

“I was trrrrying to explain it in a way that even a complete idiot would underrrstand… Sigh. Let me trrry it this way. I’ll use Agent Eight as an example. She’s constantly in and out of pet shops when she’s off duty. She’d love to own a pet, but she’s afrrrraid she’d fall aparrrt if it died.”

Agent Eight, unlike me, is an actual elite agent. She even has the latest body enhancements.

She’s ridiculously beautiful and has a figure to die for, but she’s a bit of a loner, which makes it hard to get to know her.

“You serious? All this time, she’s been pushing the cool beauty persona even though she has a cutesy side? I’m definitely gonna tease her about it next time I see her.”

“Let me know when you do. She’s too big for my tastes, but I loooove watching an emotionally detached beauty turn beet red from embarrassment. Anyway, that’s a great example of the gap between purrrception and rrreality.”

Ah, I sorta get it now.

The two of us grab at the unresponsive Russell’s skirt hem, staring intently upward.

“When you put it like that, I can see how black panties for maids could work.”

“I know, right? There arrre some who say maids should only wear white panties, but I’m a black-pantie Tiger Man through and through.”

Just as we appear to have come to an understanding, the room’s door opens.

“Boss. Grimm’s calling. She says it’s an emergency and needs you at the castle ASAP…”

Rose appears in the doorway.

As I wonder what the hell Grimm might want, Rose catches the two of us peeking up Russell’s skirt and freezes.

I keep hold of the skirt hem, lifting it slightly as I respond.

“What does she want now? Bother me later; I’m busy.”

“Are you that busy peeking up Russell’s skirt?! No, that’s not the problem! Wait…! What are you doing, Boss? And you, too, Tiger Man! I mean, Russell’s a guy, so why are you even in this situation to begin with?”

As Rose babbles in confusion, Russell, who had been quietly cleaning the windows, lets out a deep sigh.

“…I’m not dressed this way by choice, you know. Tiger Man said he’d release me early if I did my work while wearing this outfit… Hey, you’re a Battle Chimera like me, right? Humans really are fools, aren’t they? Especially the ones here…,” Russell says sagely.

“You say that now, Rrrussell, but when I use you as a body pillow everrry night, you don’t seem to mind. Even if you do complain about my furrr!”

“…Whatever! H-hey, Rose, don’t look at me like that! It’s not what you think! It’s just cuddling! We haven’t done anything more than that! We haven’t crossed that line!”

As Rose eyes him with disgust, Russell begins rattling off excuses.

“You’re quite the gentleman, Tiger Man. I figured you’d have already devoured him by now.”

“I don’t like making little kids crrry. I’m patiently waiting for Rrrussell to come around.”

Russell heaves a weary sigh and shakes his head slowly. “That’ll never happen. Just give it up… C-come on now, don’t look at me like that, Rose! We’re kin! I’m not doing this because I want to! I’m hurt… Uh, anyway, wasn’t there something you were here to do?”

At that, Rose snaps back to reality. “Th-that’s right! This isn’t the time to be panicking over Mr. Russell’s fetishes.”

“W-wait, Sister, what do you mean ‘fetishes’?!”

Putting aside Russell’s tearful objection, Rose looks at me with a serious expression.

“Grimm wants you to bring her some dolls.”

“……”

I resume peering up Russell’s skirt.

“Boss, are you sure you actually like women? Are you sure you don’t have weird fetishes like Mr. Russell?”

“Lay off already. I was just momentarily confused. If you keep doubting me, I can use your body to prove just how much I love women.”

We’re on the way to the castle, and Rose is still peering at me suspiciously. I drop into a fighting stance to make my point.

“I—I got it. I believe you! I believe you, so please stop with those gestures!” Rose backs off cautiously as I approach with my wriggling fingers at the ready.

Coming out of my stance, I ask a question that pops into my head. “Hey, I heard you haven’t asked Russell about your identity. Why not? You’ve been looking for those answers for ages, haven’t you?”

Rose’s brow twitches…

“Well… Now that it’s staring me in the face, I’m a little afraid to know the truth… Mr. Russell really hates humans. I’m scared that I won’t be able to keep living this way if I know my identity.” She looks down with an expression of unease…

“Hey, look at that stall! Mokemokes! They’re selling mokemoke skewers!”

“Please don’t change the subject! I’m trying to be serious right now! And you were the one who started this, Boss!”

God, she’s needy.

“I’ve been addicted to mokemokes lately. They might look like giant crawfish, but they’re delicious. And it turns out they’re a delicacy!”

“Boss, weren’t you calling mokemokes your friends not that long ago? What’s changed?” Rose asks. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

“Why would I be friends with crawfish? You really do say some weird things from time to time. Hey, can I get two mokemoke skewers? One sauced, the other salted.”

“That’s my line! Did you already forget?! You did, didn’t you?! Boss, what’s wrong with your memory?!”

She can’t seem to drop this utterly irrelevant topic, so I hold out the two skewers I just bought.

“Sauced or salted?”

“Sauced, please… But don’t think you’re pulling one over on me! I’m not that easy! Not with just one mokemoke skewer…”

Two hours later, we arrive at the castle’s training grounds, where we’re accosted by Grimm. Apparently, she’s been waiting here the whole time.

“You’re late! I told you to hurry because it’s an emergency! Where are the dolls? You did buy some dolls, right?!”

As part of some shady ritual, Grimm is frantically attaching little labels to a bunch of human-shaped mud clumps sliding around the training grounds.

Wait—wait, what…?

“Wh-what the hell are those wiggly things…?”

“They’re evil spirits! I can’t just let them roam free, so I’ve trapped them inside mud figurines! But never mind that, Commander, where are the dolls?!”

At Grimm’s unusually urgent pleading, I reach into my jacket and take it out…

“Here’s Meat the Ripper, the Kisaragi Corporation’s mascot. He talks if you press the button on his back.”

“HI, I’M MEAT! TIME TO SLAUGHTER HEROES!”

“Ugh! What is this creepy thing?! It doesn’t have a shred of cuteness! I wanted you to bring me stuffed animals! We cram evil spirits into cute things so that we won’t be creeped out when they come to life!”

Still, looking at the mud lumps wiggling around at my feet, I feel like putting these into stuffed animals would just double their creepiness.

“Boss, if Grimm doesn’t want it, I’ll take Meat. He’s pretty cute.”

“Seriously? There’s something majorly wrong with your tastes, Rose! …Say, Rose, you’ve got sauce around your mouth. What were you doing?”

Taking Meat from me, Rose holds him up to hide her mouth.

“HI! I’M MEAT! TIME TO SLAUGHTER SPINSTERS!”

“Rose, give me that doll! It’s clearly evil! Why did you press the button anyway?!”

Just then…

…as Grimm tries to grab Meat, the mud dolls at her feet start shaking uncontrollably.

“Hey. There seems to be something wrong with these…”

“Huh? …Eeep! Oh no!” Grimm says hurriedly before scurrying behind my back.

At the same time, the mud dolls explode with a dry pop, and mud splashes across my face and Rose’s.

“…Rose, hold Grimm down.”

“HI! I’M MEAT! TIME TO SLAUGHTER INCOMPETENT LACKEYS!”

“Commander? Just listen, please…? Rose, calm down… Two on one isn’t fair!” Grimm looks at us fearfully as we inch closer. “The Undead Festival’s about to start! It’ll be a disaster without me! Commander, I’m so sorry! Please, please waaaaiiit!”

“Oh, right. You did mention something about an undead festival, didn’t you?”

Punishing Grimm a little has helped me calm down, and I listen to Rose’s explanation as Grimm softly sobs next to us.

Magic is commonplace on this planet, and so are undead, apparently.

“The Undead Festival is a ritual where you welcome back the spirits of our dead ancestors. It takes place around this time each year. I like it because it means you get to eat lots of delicious food for free.”

“Ah, so it’s a bit like Obon back home.”

However, unlike Obon in Japan, here the ancestral spirits literally come home. And it seems that these spirits, unless provided mediums to possess, end up possessing random corpses and wandering around town.

“Sob… Wh-which is why, as the Archbishop of Lord Zenarith, God of Undeath and Disaster, I am in charge of organizing the festivities… The reason those mud dolls blew up was because they were temporary mediums. They couldn’t hold up under the strain.”

“…Ah well, I think I get the gist of it. So what happened to the evil spirits, then? Can I go home now?”

Grimm looks at me with a grave expression, shaking her head slowly. “There’s only a week until the Undead Festival. I need to prepare enough vessels for the ancestors to possess. Commander, I’d like your help in gathering materials to make the dolls.”

“Sounds like a pain in the ass, so I’m gonna have to say no. Rose, I’m sure you’re still hungry. Let’s grab something on the way home. Any requests?”

“HI! I’M MEAT! COMBAT AGENTS SHOULD EAT MEAT!”

“Pleeeease! If you’ll help me, I’ll make it worth your while! I’ll give you all sorts of sexual favors!”

As I turn to leave, Grimm clings to my hips, crying as she begs for help.

“Sexual favors? I already sexually harass you as a way of saying hello…”

“That’s true! You hiked up my skirt and did all sorts of things to me before! If you’re not going to help me out now, then you should take responsibility for earlier and support me!”

And now she’s turning this back on me.

“All right, fine. I’ll hold you to those favors. But keep in mind that we’re both grown adults. If you try to pass off a kiss as a reward like Snow did, nudity is going to be the least of your worries.”

“…Actually, Commander, do you mind if I have a little longer to think it over?”

Returning to the hideout, I let Alice know I’ll be helping with the Undead Festival.

“So I’ll be helping out with this weird festival.”

“…I really want to disrupt that festival. Seriously? Undead? Feels like they’re challenging me as an android.” Alice reacts rather poorly to the mention of the undead. As a product of modern science, she just can’t stand illogical and superstitious things. “Hey, Six, you’re already a gullible meathead. Don’t fall for Grimm’s scams.”

“From my end, I have to wonder why you’re so skeptical of supernatural events.”

Putting aside Alice’s (admittedly typical) foul mood, I decide then to ask the question that’s been nagging at me since I got here.

“…What’s she doing here?”

Alice is seated in a chair, and next to her, Snow is hunched over, working intently on something while beads of sweat form on her brow.

“Looks like she’s finally flat broke thanks to the loans she took out to pay for her magic swords. I saw her seriously contemplating whether or not to sell her body, so I decided to shoulder her debt and have her make ammo for me in return.”

“I don’t even know where to start.”

Maybe with the fact that this unicorn-pure knight was about to sell her body?

Or the fact that she owes Alice—a child by all appearances—a lot of money?

Or how about the fact that a ballistics amateur is currently fiddling with gunpowder?

“Alice, I’m done! I finished another round.”

“I thought I told you to call me Miss Alice while you still owe me money?”

“I’m done, Miss Alice.”

“Good. Still room for improvement, but you’re getting better at this.”

Snow smiles happily, her fingertips stained black with gunpowder. Alice’s praise for her handiwork seems to have really made Snow’s day.

It’s hard to believe she was the knight captain of the Royal Guard until recently. Now she’s fallen so low that she’s showing deference to a child and forcibly making shotgun shells for said child.

“You know… She’s still part of my squadron. Seeing her like this kind of hurts…”

Snow doesn’t so much as glance in my direction, finishing up the next round and retrieving it from the equipment. “Miss Alice! I finished another one! I’m pretty proud of it!”

“Hey, not bad at all! If you can keep up this quality and speed up the process, your hourly rate might get a boost.”

“Yay!”

My eyes sting as I watch Snow’s happy reaction.

“…? What’s your problem, Six? Stop staring at me with those lecherous eyes of yours. If you lay a finger on me, you’ll have to pay up.”

…I can’t say I feel much sympathy for her.

That evening…

“Are you ready, Commander? Come on, Rose. Push me more carefully!”

A tightly wound Grimm has summoned Rose and me again.

“…So we’re going to gather materials for your dolls, right?”

“That’s right… Come on, Rose, faster! We’ll ride the wind!”

“It’s too risky! If we go too fast, you’ll fall off, Grimm! Besides, I just had a big dinner, and now I’m getting sleepy…,” Rose complains drearily.

“And that’s why you’re still a child! The night is young! Come on, I’ll show you how grown-ups like me have fun after dark!” Grimm declares as her wheelchair is slowly pushed along.

“Uh, not that I have anything against enjoying the nightlife, but do we really have to leave the city? I thought we were here to gather materials.”

“That’s right. I keep telling you, we’re going to gather materials for the dolls.”

………

“What exactly do you use for these?”

“Plants from the Cursed Forest.”

Rose and I turn around.

“Hey, wait! Do you know what’ll happen if a frail maiden like me goes into the Cursed Forest alone? There are barbarians in that forest! If they see a tasty morsel like me, they won’t be able to resist their carnal desires! Are you okay with your precious subordinate becoming damaged goods, Commander?”

“And you wonder why no one’s interested in you. Go hook one of those barbarians and settle down already. A spinster with unrealistic marriage expectations is too much of a ticking time bomb for anyone else.”

Grimm scowls at my response. “That’s going too far, even for you, Commander! I’ve got plenty of interested suitors! I’m the Archbishop of Zenarith! Got it? A priestess has to remain pure of body for…”

“Hey, there’s something hopping around over there. Rose, go catch one. See how it tastes.”

“That’s a mipyokopyoko. They explode in your mouth if you try to eat them.”

“Listen to meeeeee!”

Grimm throws a tantrum in her wheelchair. We’re already out of town; I wish she’d quiet down.

“I’m impressed you noticed it in this darkness, Boss.”

“My body mods include basic night vision. You’re pretty impressive yourself. All I saw was a weird shape hopping around in the distance.”

Grimm starts smacking me on the back. Begging for attention, I guess. “Commander, I can see in the dark, too! As the God of Undeath, Lord Zenarith rules the night, after all, and provides appropriate blessings to his archbishop!”

“That’s nice.”

“Why are you always so cold to me? If you keep that up, I’ll curse you!”

Suddenly, off in the distance, another indistinct figure leaps into the air.

“I just saw something else hopping around. Is that a mipyokopyoko, too?”

“That’s a mupyokopyoko! Let’s catch and boil it!”

“Enough with the pyoko-pyoko-pyoko-pyokoing! Both of you, listen to me!” Grimm tearfully pleads, holding on to Rose before she can go off hunting.

“Let’s just catch it and go home. We can make hot pot at the hideout. Besides, it’s getting late anyway.”

“The fact that it’s nighttime is the whole point! I need a flower that only blooms under moonlight! The flower acts as a permission slip for dead spirits to stay in the world. It’s how we keep the spirits from turning evil!” Grimm vehemently pleads her case as she latches onto Rose’s tail. “Commander, please don’t go home. The festival will be a disaster without enough possession dolls. It’s a chance for you to make up for your usual crimes.”

“…Sigh. If Grimm’s this committed, I think we should help her. She’s right about it being a good chance to reflect on your behavior, Boss.” Rose seems to be at her limit.

“Can I point out that I wasn’t born this way? My personality’s the result of how my parents raised me. Kids don’t get to pick their parents. It’s not like I want to be this way,” I inform them, and Rose and Grimm gasp.

“I-I’m so sorry, Boss. I guess you’ve had a rough life, too.” Rose looks down, likely reminded of her own struggles with her grandfather’s teachings.

“My parents used to tell me to actively do things people don’t like. I’m just doing as I was taught.”

“Apologize to your parents! You’re totally misinterpreting what they told you!”

I half-heartedly dismiss Rose’s lecture as Grimm takes something out.

It’s a well-worn dagger that seems to have been handled with care, although I don’t know who it belongs to.

I’ve never seen her use a weapon, so I’m assuming it’s an object with some sentimental value that she plans to use for a curse.

“…So, Commander, do you remember how the prince of Toris became impotent due to the effects of my curse…?”

“Wait, Grimm. What are you talking about? What the hell did you do when we weren’t looking?” I ask her.

Grimm smiles thinly as Rose grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her back and forth.

“I recommend you help me while I’m asking nicely. I can’t promise things will stay that way otherwise…”

How impressively evil. I suppose that’s to be expected from the follower of a dark god.

But she needs to choose her targets more carefully.

“Bold of you to threaten the agent of an evil organization. But my profession means I can’t back down when threatened. I’ll answer your threat with a threat of my own.”

“Wait, Boss, what’s this about an evil organization?! You never told me about that. That’s the group you forcibly recruited me into, isn’t it?!” Rose grabs and shakes me instead, but I push her aside and assume a fighting stance in front of Grimm.

“If you curse me, I’ll sexually harass you until you beg for mercy and break the curse. It’ll make the things I did to you while you were passed out in the desert look tame by comparison.”

“Wait, Commander, what do you mean? Just what did you do to me in the desert while I was out cold? Tell me!”

The Cursed Forest near the kingdom of Grace—a land damned and abandoned by the locals, infested with monsters and mysterious tribes of barbarians.

We’ve arrived in the forest after a few arguments along the way. We’re now looking for the flower in question.

“Hey, you two, that white flower’s the one we’re looking for. Frail old me will wait here while you go pick them.” Grimm makes a ludicrous demand at the entrance to the forest.

“Yeah…no.”

“It’s not like I can do anything about it. I can’t go in there with my wheelchair.”

“That reminds me. You can walk just fine. You don’t need that wheelchair. You can get by without shoes.”

The backlash from a curse she cast a long time ago left her unable to wear shoes, which leaves me wondering why the hell she tried a curse like that to begin with.

“Wheelchairs are pretty convenient, you know. I don’t have to expend any effort because other people push me around, and you’d think I was a frail, sickly beauty at first glance, right?”

“People with actual disabilities might have a problem with that, you know,” I say with an exasperated sigh.

Rose tugs lightly at my sleeve.

“Boss, I think Grimm’s fine the way she is. It’s a hassle to move her around when she’s sleeping during the day. Not to mention the fact that she dies the moment you take your eyes off her, so it’s easier to carry her around with a wheelchair.”

“You know, I’ve been meaning to talk about how you treat me while I’m dead…”

Rose and I wander around under the moonlight, picking the flowers Grimm wanted.

We’re still at the entrance to the forest, but I hear random cries from time to time.

I can’t wait to get out of here and grab a drink.

“Hey, Grimm, it doesn’t have to be fancy, but make sure you take me to a place where I can drink with beautiful women, okay?”

“…? Huh? What are you talking about?”

“I’m okay with something cheap so long as I get to eat a lot.”

“What are you two talking about?! Wait…am I supposed to take you two out after we’re done here?! But this is work for the kingdom!”

At that moment, I hear something crawling toward us. It’s probably reacting to Grimm’s yelling.

Rose and Grimm fall quiet. They seem to have noticed the creatures moving to surround us.

“Why do you always make things so difficult? Oh well—don’t worry about it. Kisaragi operatives don’t abandon their comrades. Besides, cleaning up an incompetent lackey’s mess is part of my job description.”

“Now wait just a minute! Sure, it’s probably my yelling that drew them over, but still!”

“I’ve gotten used to cleaning up after Grimm. Hey, Grimm, I’d like five extra-large servings of yakiniku.”

“All right, all right! I’m sorry. Thanks for always protecting me and resurrecting me!”

I look at the sobbing Grimm out of the corner of my eye before staring into the darkness…

“Looks like six enemy humanoids. I’ll take three; you two deal with the rest.” I draw my knife from my back holster and brace myself.

Rose steps up next to me and cracks her knuckles. “Roger. I’ll take two! You can count on me when it comes to fighting!”

It’s times like this I’m glad to have a Battle Chimera at my side.

So that leaves one more…

“Wait, what?! I can’t fight directly, so you shouldn’t include me in your head count!”

……

“…Oh, for the love of—! Fine, whatever! I’ll take four of them! Sheesh, Grimm, you’re useless!”

“Please don’t say that! You just need to remember my great powers have to be used at the right time and place! You can’t waste curses on random minions…”

As Grimm starts to make her excuses, Rose, who had been twitching her nose, falls silent with a serious expression on her face.

Rose’s change in attitude makes me distinctly uneasy, but I shine my light toward the hostile creatures.

Even though I can see in the dark, it’s always better to fight with sufficient light.

I want to catch a glimpse of who is lurking around out here…

“Graaaaaahhh!”

“Aiiiiieeeeee!”

The light reveals a rotting corpse.

After letting out a threatening roar, the corpse reacts to my scream by shambling toward me.

“A z-zombie?! That’s a zombie, right? America’s favorite monster?!”

I mean, I guess it’s not surprising there’s zombies in a world with demons and ghosts.

It’s not surprising, but…

“I don’t know what America is, but please calm down, Boss.”

“I don’t care how strong they are! It’s how they look that’s a problem! Gotta calm down. I’m an elite Kisaragi operative. I-I’m not a-afraid. Sorry, corpse, but I’m gonna cremate you with a flamethrower!”

With the blank-faced zombie in front of me, I attempt to use my wrist device to order a flamethrower…

Gaaaaaah!

“Rose! Let’s switch! I’m tagging out! I can’t fight zombies! Switch out with me! Please!”

“B-B-Boss! Don’t push me toward them! I-I’m actually not good with zombies, either…! My sense of smell is too strong! I think I’m gonna pass out…!”

Just then…

“Hold on. Leave this to me.”

Wearing an unusually serious expression, Grimm gets up from her wheelchair.

“Hey, Grimm, what’s going on? Acting cool won’t make you stronger. There’s no need to keep putting yourself on the line for the sake of a few laughs.”

“Boss, don’t spoil an opportunity for Grimm to shine. She’s just excited because it’s such a rare occasion.”

“Shut up! Unless you two want to get cursed, just let me handle this.” She begins walking barefoot on the soil, then turns toward us, her lips curled into a sad smile…

“I haven’t told you yet, have I, Commander? …I…I, um…I’m not quite human anymore. I’m a bit like them, like the undead…”

“Ahhh, gotcha. So that’s why you can regrow your head after it gets knocked off.”

“I’m making a pretty big confession here! Can’t you take this a little more seriously? Also, could you not treat my head like it’s some lizard’s tail? Anyway, let me handle them, okay?” Grimm huffs angrily as she approaches the zombies.

And then…

“Good evening… A lovely night, isn’t it?” Grimm smiles gently at the rotting corpses, speaking to them as though greeting friends.

…Oh yeah, I guess Zenarith or whatever is in charge of the undead.

“Should be fine now, Boss. The undead actually like Grimm. She’s probably got this.”

“Are you sure? It’s hard to imagine her being useful.”

Leaving us to our conversation, Grimm walks up to the shambling horde with a serene smile on her face…

“Graaah!”

“Oof!”

…and ends up getting smacked across the face by a zombie.

“Huh?! G-Grimm, what just happened?! Oh! Boss, don’t look at me like that. I wouldn’t lie about that! She can usually talk them out of attacking! I swear! This is the first time I’ve seen this happen with her…”

Just seems like business as usual with Grimm to me.

“W-wait! I’m not your enemy! I’m Miss Grimm! Undead Idol! Ow! That hurt! H-how dare you do that to an Archbishop of Zenarith… C-Commander! Commander! Rose! Help!”

The self-professed Undead Idol is surrounded by zombies who begin beating the shit out of her.

“Why don’t we start by burning them? Use your fire breath.”

“Awww… But zombies smell so bad when you burn them…”

“A cute maiden’s getting attacked by these abominations! Hurry up and help!”

I’d love to help her and all, but if I shoot the zombies surrounding her, I’ll end up hitting Grimm as well.

Rose’s flame isn’t exactly precise, either. If she were to attack now, we’d end up with seven charred bodies.

“You know… I really don’t want to hit those things with my bare hands. Can you get me a stick?”

“Understood. The smell makes it hard for me to get close. Can I leave them to you, Boss? …Oh, hey, that’s a weird-looking mushroom. I think I’ll boil it as a snack when I get home.”

“Forget it! I’ll deal with them myself! Watch carefully. I’ll show you the power of an archbishop! O Great Lord Zenarith! Remove your blessing of undeath from this place and return all things to how they should be!”

That is definitely the most magicy spell I’ve seen on this planet.

A blue-white magic circle appears on the ground, and light erupts toward the sky.

I briefly feel the presence of something otherworldly before it all scatters into the air, leaving silence in its wake.

Then the zombies who had been attacking Grimm freeze in place…

Like puppets suddenly cut free from their strings, the seven undead collapse to the ground.

“…Um, did our resident undead just kill herself?”

“…I hope the usual ritual can fix this…”

A few minutes outside the city, there’s a cavern housing a shady-looking altar.

Rose and I have come to this cave to resurrect Grimm…again.

“I brought lots of offerings this time because of how she died. I hope it’ll be enough…”

Rose looks uneasy despite the large number of sentimental objects before her.

“Considering the fact that she dispelled the blessing from her own god, yeah… If it were me, I’d just abandon her and forget the whole thing ever happened.”

“Well, Grimm’s been forgiven for dumb uses of her powers in the past. S-so I’m sure it’ll be okay this time, too…”

I can tell she doesn’t believe it, either.

The moonlight shines in from the hole in the center of the cavern, illuminating Grimm’s body.

At the same time, the sacrificial offerings begin vanishing with flashes of light.

“Boss, looks like we’re short on offerings, which is weird because I even threw in the love letter from her childhood friend that Grimm was so fond of showing off when she was drunk…”

“Ah, fine. I’ll add a few, too…”

I take out my wallet and pull out some rare coins and a pachinko ball I kept as a good luck charm after a particularly large jackpot.

As the light consumes the items, Grimm’s body twitches violently to life.

“Ah! Looks like that did it.”

“…Uh, still seems like something’s wrong.”

Despite the movement, Grimm has yet to open her eyes.

“H-how dare you… Calling yourself Zenarith… Blasphemy… I’m a devout follower…” Grimm begins to mutter and moan, as if haunted by a nightmare.

“I bet you she’s getting a lecture from her god.”

“…This happens from time to time after Grimm dies in a stupid way…”

“Well, Boss, I’ll take Grimm back to the barracks. She probably won’t be up for a while, so I’ll help you out tomorrow.”

“Thanks. I’ll leave you to it. She’ll owe us big time when she wakes up.”

Carrying the bundle of white flowers on her back, Rose disappears into the city, pushing the unconscious Grimm in her wheelchair.

After seeing Rose off, I head back to the hideout…

“…No one’s home, I guess.”

…or not.

I carefully glance around, then conceal myself among the shadows and head toward the castle…

“Looks like this year’s Undead Festival’s going to be bigger than usual.”

“Makes sense. The battles against the Demon Lord’s Army were pretty intense. But never mind that. Have you heard the rumors? About Her Highness? It seems she’s been frowning in front of the rain artifact and…”

The night watch.

In front of the main gate, two soldiers trade gossip to pass the time as they stand guard.

I circle around the castle wall, moving to a spot the guards can’t see. There’s no need to go through the main gate to get inside, after all.

I place my compact pile driver against the wall and softly cover it with fabric.

It won’t completely absorb the noise, but it’s better than nothing.

I drive a stake into the wall, the muffled sound of impact echoing through the air.

The guards are too busy with their gossip to notice the noise.

I use the newly secured stake to climb over the outer wall and drop into the courtyard.

If memory serves, there are guard dogs being kept here, but I’ve come prepared with a secret weapon.

I acquired it after begging the mutant Tiger Man. “I knew you were weird, but I had no idea you were that much of a pervert,” he told me. He even forgot to purr that time.

I take out the bottle and splash a few drops around…

“Arf, arf!”

“Whimper!”

I hear the frightened whining of dogs from a few feet away.

Yes, this is Tiger Man’s pee. The dogs have caught the scent with their keen sense of smell and refuse to come closer out of fear.

Sneaking my way past the guard dogs, I reach my final obstacle. To get to the top of the castle, I’ll have to climb this wall.

I whip out the pile driver again.

After a quick look around, I press it against the wall!

Careful to avoid making a sound, I remove the ceiling board and drop it quietly onto the carpeting below.

Lucky for me, the expensive-looking carpet does a good job of muffling any noise.

Arriving at my destination, I feel the thrill of excitement from pulling off a high-risk assignment.

Proof of my mission’s success.

And there’s the special announcement that I’ll be getting a “large sum” of Evil Points.

I want to release some of this built-up tension, and fortunately, I have the perfect target in front of me.

“Mm…”

I hear a soft sigh in the dark room.

The sigh comes from the person in front of me: Tillis, this kingdom’s princess.

Yes, I’m in Tillis’s bedroom.

With Tillis fast asleep in front of me, I begin stripping off my power armor.

Careful not to wake her, I silently remove all my equipment.

I can feel my heart racing.

I worry for a moment that my rapidly beating heart will wake her, but judging by her peaceful breathing, it looks like I’m in the clear.

I can’t hide a smirk at just how vulnerable she is.

After stripping off everything until I’m totally naked, I stare intently at the princess’s sleeping face.

And begin doing squats right next to her.

I return to the hideout after completing my stealth mission with a nice workout in Tillis’s room.

Despite the late hour, the light is still on in the workroom where Snow’s been staying.

“Huh, she’s still working? I figured she was just greedy, but I guess she’s pretty dedicated when she wants to be,” I murmur, and a familiar voice chimes in from behind me.

“Ah, Six, you’re back. Snow’s not the brightest, but she’s also not that hard to understand. It makes her easy to manage. People motivated by money are pretty dependable when it comes down to it. Idealists who talk up stuff like sincerity and truth tend to lose sight of reality.”

“You don’t have to be so direct…”

She’s got a thoroughly jaded view of human nature, but I suppose that’s to be expected of an evil organization’s android.

Alice is carrying a large bag, and I have no idea where she would have gotten it from at this hour.

“Tomorrow, we’re going to start building a properly fortified fortress. Everything’s going according to plan. Once the fortress is complete, we can start our conquest of the planet in earnest. Make sure you’re ready, partner.”

An unusually cheerful Alice throws encouragement my way as she watches the red shimmering outside the window.

If we succeed, I’ll go from a permanent lackey to the proud owner of a fortress.

As a member of an evil organization, owning a lair to hunker down in and wait for the enemy is pretty high on the list of life goals.

Given that our competitors on this rock are holed up in a tower, I suppose it’s one of those little universal chestnuts.

As the owner of a proper fortress, I’ll become a mid-level villain, someone to be treated with respect and deference.

“Then it’s almost time to say good-bye to this place, huh…? Given that this was our first hideout on this planet, I can’t help but feel a little sentimental…”

“It’s a bit of a pity, but the upkeep costs aren’t trivial. I’m sure someone will grab it for a steal, but we’re better off selling it. Then we will build an impregnable fortress.”

As we sit contemplating the proper start of our conquest…

…our hideout explodes.