CHAPTER 3

Go Sell!

1

“What’s a sexy thing like you doing drinking all by yourself? Come over here and pour me a glass, would ya?”

“Wh-who are you? P-please leave me alone!”

With our fortress construction at a standstill, we’ve been reduced to spending our days drinking at dive bars around town.

“Never mind that—just come on over! I promise I won’t try anything funny. I’m just offering to buy you dinner!”

“N-no way! You can’t fool me! You have no intention of stopping with just dinner!”

It’s not like I’m actually trying to pick her up. I’m just trying to let off some steam and earn some Evil Points in the process.

Which is why I’m drinking by myself and chatting up a random stranger…

“Relax, lady. I just want you to eat a little bit of this thing here. Mokemoke with a special thick milk sauce! Heh-heh, I’ll treat you to it if you’ll come over and pour my drinks for me! There’s more, if you want it!”

“Lies! I bet when I finish eating, you’ll next go, Now you can have my special thick milk for dessert, and do terrible things to me! You can’t fool me!”

Holy shit, what a thing to say in public!

“N-no, that’s something a dirty old man would say… I just need you to resist a little while eating some mokemoke. Go on; open your mouth.”

“No way! I don’t believe you! You’ll say that as you force-feed me that sticky white stuff, and when my face is all messy, you’ll start getting horny and say, Next let’s have your other mouth eat this…”

“What the hell are you talking about? W-wait a minute. I haven’t been getting any Evil Points this whole time! Now that I think about it, I recognize you!”

I can’t remember where, but I can swear I’ve seen this woman before.

“Woe is me! After having his way with me, this man, becoming addicted to my body, is going to lock me up in a gorgeous lake house… And then he’ll force me to have babies one after another, and after several decades, I’ll happily draw my last breath, watched over by all my grandchildren…”

“Whoa, I’m not gonna do any of that! Are you even listening to me?! Forget it! I’m letting you go! Get outta here!”

“Nooooooooooo! After all this anticipation, you’re just going to let me go? Noooooo! You’re going to abandon me again after threatening to show me something in a dark alley?!”

“H-hey now, you’re giving people the wrong idea! I’ll pay your tab, so just leave me alone, please!”

Oh crap, I really stepped in it this time.

Just then…

…as I’m busy trying to pay off the weird woman’s tab, a voice calls out to me.

“There you are. You’re a hard man to find, Commander… Look, he’s with me. Shoo!”

Shooing away the weirdo with a glare is an obnoxious woman driving her wheelchair into a crowded bar.

After watching the weirdo click her tongue in disappointment and head out the door, Grimm turns to face me.

“Tch, I can’t leave you alone for a minute without you chatting up other women. Commander, are you a womanizer?”

“I won’t deny that I’m surrounded by women, but they all come loaded with baggage.”

“I guess you have problems of your own, Commander. But if you’ll pick up the tab, I’m happy to go on a date with you whenever you want.”

You’ve got the most baggage of any of ’em.

“Anyway, this most recent resurrection sure took a while, huh?”

“That’s right. I remember purging the gift of undeath from the zombies, but I can’t remember how I died. Then, while dead, I dreamed of a strange woman calling herself Lord Zenarith and yelling at me.”

Was that really a dream? Maybe she was getting lectured in the afterlife?

Is she actually an archbishop?

“What is it? You look like you have something you want to say… Anyway, Commander, is it true? That you couldn’t finish your base? And that you’ve got nothing to do?” Grimm chirps, gazing expectantly at me.

“Actually, I’m planning to gather scrap materials with some homeless guys tomorrow. It’s pretty profitable. I’m broke after using up the allowance Alice gave me.”

“Please don’t resort to something so embarrassing! Wait. If you’re broke, how were you planning to pay for the tab here?”

“I’m pretty quick on my feet, you know. I can outrun a bartender easily enough.”

“You know, I’m still technically part of the army. I can’t let you dine and dash in front of me! Tch, fine…”

As Grimm takes out her wallet and pays the tab, I head out of the bar.

Picking that joint was a mistake. Seems it’s that weird woman’s haunt. Guess I’ll go elsewhere next time.

As I wander aimlessly, looking for the next bar, something bumps into me from behind.

“Why did you leave without me?! Hmph, to disappear without so much as a word of thanks after making a woman pay!”

The bump came from Grimm.

“Thanks for picking up the tab.”

“You’re welcome! Anyway, Commander, do you have a minute? I’ve got something pretty important to ask you.”

Grimm wheels herself along next to me with an unusually serious expression on her face.

“I’m about to head to a second bar. If you’re okay with that, we can chat.”

“Why are you going if you’re broke?! …Sigh, this last resurrection was pretty pricey, too…” Grimm sighs as she looks sadly at the contents of her wallet.

“Considering you spend your free time harassing couples, I wouldn’t expect you to be so serious.”

“Harassing couples is the responsibility of every Zenarith follower. Say, Commander, I’ll pick up your tab if you’ll listen to me. There’s something odd in the air lately.”

Well, yeah…

“It’s spring on this planet, right? Love is in the air, and couples are all getting it in while the getting’s good. Like those two over there.” I point to a couple.

“No, that’s not what I meant! …You two! Stop with the public displays of affection! I’ll curse you!” Grimm threatens them. “The zombies we ran into… There was something odd about them.”

With that, Grimm furrows her brow in as serious an expression as I’ve ever seen from her.

2

Grimm leads us to a fancy little spot that I’d never go into by myself.

In a space lit with gentle blue-white lighting, the patrons sip from colorful cocktails.

“As I was saying, Commander. I’m a friend and ally to the undead. But they refused to listen to me. As though someone else was controlling them…”

“Bartender, can I get another one of those pink drinks? Also, could I get something substantial to snack on?”

I put in some additional orders as Grimm swirls her cocktail glass with an expression of concern.

There’s a high percentage of women among the patrons, and I can’t resist glancing this way and that.

I gulp down the pink cocktail that’s set down in front of me, then stuff something resembling a scone into my mouth.

I wonder how many Evil Points I’d earn if I got drunk enough to strip naked in the middle of the room.

“…This is a pretty serious problem with the Undead Festival right around the corner. Call it an archbishop’s intuition, but I think something bad is going to happen at the festival.”

“Bartender, another one of the pink ones. Also, something a little stronger. One of those brown drinks suited for an interesting man like myself.”

It’s not like I can drink a whole lot, but the enhancement to my ability to process poisons means I sober up quickly. Given that Grimm’s paying, I decide to give that brown stuff a try.

“…C-Commander? Don’t order too much, okay? My wallet’s a little thin this time of the month and… Are you listening to a word I’m saying?”

“I’m listening, I’m listening. Snow got so desperate for cash that she made a mold of her breasts, and now she’s selling the pudding she made with it, right?”

“Where did that come from? Also, make sure you don’t mention that to Snow. She might be desperate enough to try it!”

It isn’t my best moneymaking scheme, but I bet it’d sell well with morons.

Maybe I will propose it to Snow next time I see her.

“Bartender, can you send that really pretty lady a cocktail? Tell her it’s from this customer here.”

“Do you mind doing that with your own money instead of mine? Also, don’t hit on someone when you’ve got a good woman like me sitting right next to you!”

The brown stuff smells really strong, enough to give me pause. While I hesitate, Grimm grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me.

“All right, fine. Grimm, this one’s on me. Give it a try.”

“Don’t order it if you can’t drink it! Commander, listen seriously, will you? The reason they keep me employed in this kingdom is to run the Undead Festival. That’s what’s paying for these drinks!” Grimm pleads desperately.

“Calm down a little. We’re an evil organization. Trouble is our business. Our standard MO is to get involved with a problem, claim damages, and make money out of it. Also, leave the festival to us. Festivals mean stalls. Stalls means Kisaragi. From administration to protection money, we’ve got a perfect manual for this sort of thing.”

“Wait, I don’t remember joining any evil organization… Also, the Undead Festival—it’s a holy event. It’s not a moneymaking scheme,” Grimm says with a look of concern.

Meanwhile, the woman at the end of the bar who got my cocktail from the bartender starts glancing in my direction.

It looks like he did the whole It’s from the customer over there thing, as requested.

The bartender whispers something to the lady…

…who then stares intently at Grimm, her cheeks flushing red.

“…Commander, that woman’s looking at me for some reason…”

I ask the returning bartender what exactly he said.

“As it appears your companion is paying, I handed her the cocktail and said, ‘It’s from the young woman over there’…,” he replies.

“What?! It feels like she’s staring at me rather intently. I hope she’s joking… Wait, she’s coming this way!”

Draining my cocktail, I turn to Grimm, who’s starting to panic.

“Thanks for an interesting evening, in more ways than one.”

“Why are you trying to leave on your own?! Commander, wait! Don’t leave me here!”

Leaving Grimm behind and making my way back to the hideout, I run into a coworker preparing to head out despite the late hour.

The coworker in question is Agent Ten.

He’s the second-longest-serving Combat Agent on this planet after me, and the others hold him in high regard for a variety of reasons.

Agent Ten double-checks his equipment with a serious expression on his face, and a single glance confirms to me he’s on the same quest as I am.

Careful not to wake the others, Ten and I nod to each other in silence.

Tonight’s a rare overcast evening on this planet.

Perfect weather for getting work done—

“Six to Ten. Two guards up ahead—caution recommended. Stakes are positioned on the outer castle wall. They’re tricky to use on a clear night but should be an ideal route given the cloud cover tonight. Over.”

“Ten to Six. I’ve dug an infiltration tunnel beneath the outer wall. Will use stake route tonight, but feel free to use the tunnel on a clear night. Over.”

Ten and I exchange useful information over our infiltration headsets—a must-have item for mass stealth missions.

Given we’re within three feet of each other, we don’t really need to use them, but it helps set the mood for the mission.

Approaching my usual stakes at a crawl, I glance around and signal the all clear.

Placing my hands on the stakes in the wall, I feel a push at my feet and a sudden reduction in my weight. I don’t need to look to know there’s someone behind me.

Ten has wordlessly approached and lifted me to make it easier to climb the wall.

I feel reassured just by having the presence of a skilled comrade who works well with me on a mission like this.

I grasp the top stake with my right hand, lift my body, and hold out my left hand.

Ten grabs my hand, and together we clamber the rest of the way over the wall.

As Ten and I enter the courtyard, I reach into my jacket and retrieve the bottle as usual.

The contents are running a little low, so I need to ask Tiger Man for a refill. Honestly, I’d prefer not to since he gives me odd looks when I ask, but…

Ten wags his finger at me, as though to tell me to hold off on using the bottle, and instead shows off a wrapped paper package with a triumphant look.

Along with the package, he takes out some sort of meat, and based on its coloration, I can tell it’s one of my favorites: mokemoke meat.

As he rubs the contents of the paper package on the meat, I realize he plans to use a sedative.

He’s planning to combine a luxury food item like mokemoke meat with fast-acting sedatives that cost a ton of Evil Points.

“Whooo.”

“Heh, oh stop…”

I tease Ten and his high-rolling tactics with a low whistle, and he responds with a faint smirk.

After a moment, Ten hurls the mokemoke meat in the direction from which the dogs have been released, holding his breath and ducking behind cover—

“Bark, bark, bark!”

“Awooo! Awooo!”

“What the hell?! What is it?”

“It’s the hounds. Is there an intruder?”

Seems the dogs didn’t like the mokemoke meat and are making a fuss.

“What the—?! Ten, you moron! Why were you acting so cocky earlier?”

“It worked last time. I guess those dogs are in the mood for supopocchi meat tonight. Anyway, let’s get out of here. Come with me, Six.”

Should I really be following him?

Despite the circumstances, Ten remains oddly cocky, leaving me wary even as I follow him.

“What the hell is up with your pack anyway? Couldn’t you have packed a bit lighter?”

“This is all necessary equipment. You’ll see when we get there. Worry about that later. Just use this for now.”

Ten activates his optical camo device, then tosses one to me. This little gizmo uses an electromagnetic field to bend light, making you invisible to the naked eye at anything other than close range.

Ten uses this sort of expensive equipment with abandon, which makes me wonder how exactly he’s earning the requisite Evil Points.

“I’ve always wanted to ask, how the heck do you get so many Evil Points? You’re one hell of a high roller.”

“I’ve got a younger sister going through her rebellious phase. So I get points just by hiding in her closet, eating her underwear as tempura, or pooping in her room.”

“Ah, gotcha. Not something I can copy, then…”

I activate the camo device, then start spritzing around Tiger Man’s pee to keep the dogs away.

Another night, another safe entry.

<Large Sum of Evil Points Acquired>

Once again, I hear the announcement of massive point gains as Tillis sleeps peacefully in front of us.

I’ve always wondered just how the Evil Point system works. Not earning points if the target consents and the point gain going down if you repeat the same action—the standards all seem a bit murky.

Ten and I nod to each other, then begin stripping off our power armor.

“Six, put this over there, will ya?”

As I relax in my T-shirt and shorts, Ten strips completely naked, then takes something out of the pack he’s been carrying.

It’s a portable air filter that removes odors from the air. Typically, it’s used along with a portable ashtray when smoking.

I figure Ten is going to light up while watching Tillis sleep, but instead he produces a portable grill.

At this point, even I can figure out what the plan is for tonight.

We’re going to have a barbecue here.

“Ten, you’re insane. Grilling meat in front of a sleeping girl? What sort of brain comes up with this sort of thing?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. Check this out; it’s a lightless heating coil—it doesn’t glow. I brought a bunch of mokemoke meat, too. This meat’s priceless in situations like this because it doesn’t make any noise when cooking.”

I somehow doubt this is a situation we’ll find ourselves in again, but it’s pretty thoughtful of him to take that into consideration.

Next to the quietly sleeping Tillis, the two of us enjoy our mokemoke feast.

3

After a highly fulfilling evening, in more ways than one, it’s now the next night.

With no skirmishes along the border recently, Rose and I, who don’t have much use outside of combat, are wandering around among the festival stalls…

I find someone leaping over a line that shouldn’t be crossed.

“Aww, how cute! A tiger!”

“Is there someone inside? Is it you, Grandpa?”

“I think it might be Misha’s grandma.”

A happily smiling Tiger Man is surrounded by three children.

The tiger mutant and proud lolicon appears to be masquerading as a stuffed animal for the festival.

“Rose, be ready. We encourage all sorts of villainy at Kisaragi, but touching children in a sexual way is an automatic death sentence. Russell’s situation skirts the line because of his age. But that? That’s way out-of-bounds. Rose, draw his attention from the front. He’s an old comrade, so the least I can do is put him down myself.”

“Boss, please calm down. The kids are clearly the ones approaching him, not the other way around.”

Rose, who usually gets candy along with Russell, tries to plead Tiger Man’s case.

But that’s exactly what a predator wants.

The only good lolicon is one who stays far away from kids.

“Die, you damned pedophile!”

“Whaaat?! The hell is wrrrong with you, Six?!”

Realizing that Rose won’t help me, I draw my R-Buzzsaw and slash at Tiger Man from behind.

But he’s still a mutant, so his instincts are able to alert him to the attack.

“I’m sorry it’s come to this, Tiger Man. I knew you were attracted to children, but I figured you were a gentleman. All pedos must die. That’s an ironclad law of Kisaragi.”

“What the hell are you talking about?! I haven’t done anything! I’m an upstanding lolicon who’s going to be modified into a little girl! Don’t put lolicons and pedophiles on the same level!”

Tiger Man—no, Mr. Tiger Man—speaks with such conviction that he forgets to purr while speaking.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Tiger Man. My mistake. I suspected you for a moment because of all the vicious rumors claiming you became a mutant so you’d look like an animal plushie that kids would like. I’m sorry for doubting you.”

“All is forrrgiven. Um… So who was saying that exactly? Lady Lilith should be the only one who knows that was the reason I became a mutant.”

On second thought, maybe I should kill him right now.

Maybe I’ll just put a strike on his record for now and wait.

“Tch, you scared all the kids away with your attack. I’m worrrried about the kids, so I’ll watch overrr the city from the shadows. My mutant senses tell me something might happen.”

“It’s fine for you to protect the brats, but could you avoid getting near them? For appearances’ sake?”

As Rose and I watch Tiger Man leave, I hear something approaching at high speed.

Turning to face the sound, I see Grimm with a desperate expression on her face.

“THERRRRE YOU AAAARRRRE!”

Grimm shouts obnoxiously, sprinting in our direction.

“That was some stunt you pulled yesterday! It was awful! She was so intent on seducing me that I started to think maybe I’d be fine with a woman if she could make me happy. That was close!”

“Oh, you came all this way just to brag? Hey, Rose, that stall’s food looks pretty good. Mind grabbing us some?”

“I always blow my salary on food whenever payday rolls around, so I’m broke. But we can still enjoy the smells.”

The owner of the stall looks at a loss as we hang around to enjoy the appetizing aromas. Grimm takes out her wallet.

“Stop that; it’s embarrassing. I’ll buy you some! Sigh… Ever since the commander showed up, my precious wedding savings have been dwindling.”

As Grimm sobs, I start munching on the grilled-meat skewer…

“Wow, Boss, look! It’s the undead parade! The spirits that couldn’t wait till the festival showed up early and wander around the city like that. Grimm made all those dolls.”

“Pretty impressive, hmm? Not only am I a good seamstress, I’m pretty good at domestic chores in general.”

At Rose’s encouragement, Grimm starts singing her own praises.

“I’m impressed and all, but can’t you make something other than stuffed animals for them to possess? I mean, aren’t the spirits mostly old men and women?”

“Well sure, there tend to be a lot of older people, but watch what you say. There are plenty of young ghosts, too… Besides, it’s kind of cute when your grandpa shows up as a stuffed animal.”

It looks like there are only older spirits among the dolls assembled here.

The procession of human-size stuffed animals marches along in front of us—cute, except they’re all possessed by the dead.

There are a few mischievous kids wandering among the dolls, following them around and occasionally kicking them.

Hey, that’s that damned brat who keeps calling me the Fly!

I approach stealthily, hoping to pants him in public…

And suddenly, the dolls decide to dogpile me.

“Whoa! What the hell?! I haven’t done anything to you! I was just gonna pants this kid!”

“Boss, why were you trying to do something so stupid? The spirits in the dolls are from this city. They could be related to that boy!” Rose shouts as the dolls assault me.

I could handle one or two, but there are way too many.

I resolve to absorb the blows and instead look for a chance to land a counter…

“Boss, this whole thing kind of makes me happy. Can we just stay like this for a bit?”

“Yeah, this is the first time I’ve felt at peace on this ruthless rock.” I feel a warm tranquility at the center of this mob of stuffed animals. Even if they’re ghosts on the inside, this is still pretty nice.

“Be careful, you two! There’s something wrong here! The spirits are supposed to agree not to attack the living when they possess my dolls. But they’re attacking the commander without any hesitation. Which means there might be a necromancer nearby…”

As the dolls surround the two of us, Grimm raises the alarm.

Honestly, getting attacked by these adorable things just feels like they’re trying to play.

Just then, Grimm suddenly points her finger at the dolls. “I am Grimm, Archbishop of Lord Zenarith, the one who provided the bodies you currently possess. Cease your attacks at once. If not, I shall remove the blessings of undeath and send you back to Lord Zenarith…,” she declares with a fierce look in her eyes.

“Don’t, Grimm!” Rose warns. “If you’re going to remove the blessing of undeath, you have to be really careful how you word it…”

Just as Rose starts her warning…

“O Great Lord Zenarith! Remove your blessing from the foolish undead assembled in this space!”

With her grand pronouncement, the dolls who had continued their attacks collapse in a heap at once.

And then—

“…Maybe we should just skip reviving her until the festival’s over.”

“…Well, I guess we have to gather more offerings…”

We spend a bit of time debating whether or not we should revive the foolish undead slumped in her wheelchair like a puppet with its strings cut.

4

Rose and I eventually decided to take Grimm to the cave. And so a day later…

“Six, you’re just getting in my way. Make sure the wet clothes are stretched out nice and flat when you hang them up to dry, all right?”

“You’re getting a little obsessive in your details. Don’t let the fact that the others need you go to your head.”

I’m in the temporary hideout at the park with Russell, hanging the washing out to dry. He’s completely mastered the tasks required of a maid, establishing himself as a motherly figure to our Combat Agents. I suppose a former overlord in the Demon Lord’s Army would pick this stuff up quickly.

“Hey, Russell, I heard we’re having curry for dinner. Make sure it’s heavy on the meat, and skip the carrots and potatoes, all right? Onions are fine.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! No picky eating allowed. Oh, and make sure you wash your own underwear. If you put them in the basket once you’re done, I’ll make sure to dry them.”

He’s completely adapted to his role.

I suppose it might be because Chimeras are quick to adjust to their environment.

After I finish washing my underwear, Russell tells me to go out and play until dinnertime, so I grab the bored-looking Alice and wander around town.

“Hey, Six, there’s an unusual-looking stall there. Go check it out.”

After curiously surveying the surroundings, Alice points to a place that sells skewers: the most common sort of outdoor food stall.

Where there’s a festival, there’s food vendors. And where there’s food vendors, there’s a golden opportunity for Kisaragi.

“That’s a grilled-skewer stall, all right; leave it to me… Yo, yo, yo, just who gave you permission to put a shop out here? Hand over one of those skewers, dammit!”

“I already have permission from the health inspectors and the country…,” the owner of the stall babbles as he hands over a skewer.

I have Alice pay for the skewer and take a bite.

“Hmph! Just what sort of meat is this? I can’t say I’ve had it before. You’re not using any shady ingredients, are you?”

I open with a complaint in lieu of a greeting. The idea is to threaten to spread bad rumors if the owner doesn’t comply with our demands.

“……I-it’s perfectly…normal?” The owner cowers at my threat, refusing to meet my gaze…

“…Now wait just a damned minute. What is this meat? There’s nothing about what this is. Just what are you using?”

“O-orc meat, of course! Completely normal orc meat! We run a perfectly clean operation here! If you plan to disrupt our business, we might…not call the guards… But at least we’ll make a fuss with the crowds… No, dammit, that’d be a problem, too…”

……

“What’d you just say, old man? You’re serving illegal meat you can’t have the guards knowing about, aren’t you?!” I drop my act and corner the owner, who’s in a genuine panic, but he still refuses to meet my gaze.

“Hey, Six. I can’t identify this meat visually.”

“Meat that Alice can’t identify?! That’s really messed up! Don’t move. I’m getting the guards!”

“W-wait, please! All right, all right, I understand. You’re quite the villain, my friend. I’ll happily give you five free skewers. So please don’t go around spreading rumors…”

He looks over at me with a shady smile, skewers in hand, but still won’t say what his meat came from.

What the hell did I just eat?

“This is definitely not a shop we can leave open! Come along; I’m handing you over to the guards!”

“You got me! You got me! Have seven, no, eight skewers! Hell, I’ll give you ten if you’ll just…”

Just as I’m about to take the owner into custody…

“What are you doing…?”

…Snow is suddenly standing there with an exasperated look on her face.

“Oh! Hey, debt girl, good timing. This old man’s selling some really odd mystery meat. You’re supposed to be a knight, right? Take him away.”

“W-wait, I’m not selling anything illegal! It’s just a little unusual…”

At our exchange, Snow peers in closely at the skewers, and…

“Eh?! Wh-why are you selling this…? Well, it’s not illegal. Technically, it’s not illegal, but…”

Just what the hell is this stuff?!

…As Snow looks at the owner with shock, he presses something into her hand.

“Lady Knight, this is just a sign of my appreciation. We wouldn’t be able to prepare for the Undead Festival so peacefully if not for your efforts, after all…”

“I-indeed? Y-yes, of course. But this meat… Well, I suppose it’s not poisonous, and what people don’t know can’t hurt them.”

“That’s right; it’s just meat! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Snow happily pockets the bribe, and the owner laughs with relief.

I point to the pair as Alice brings over someone from a local guard station.

“Officer, those are the perps!”

5

“Tch, I missed out on a chance to make some money, thanks to you. If you’re going to interrupt my side gig, I’ve got some methods of my own, you know.”

“This sounds weird coming from me, but that’s not a harmless side gig, and you know it.”

She’s been in a foul mood since she was forced to return the bribe to the stall owner who had to close up shop after getting a lecture from the guards.

Given how shocked the guard looked after examining the meat, I really want to know what the hell it was.

“Fool. If I actually see illegal activity while on patrol, I’ll arrest the perpetrators. There’s nothing wrong with overlooking some legally gray activities during the festival, but that freedom can go to their heads. So sometimes you need to set an example.”

“You had tears in your eyes when you had to give back that bribe. And you spent so long bitching at the guard.”

“S-silence!” Snow retorts. “I need to earn money so I can pay back Lady Alice as quickly as possible. You should let me know if you think of any good business opportunities. If it makes a profit, I’ll give you your share.”

I seriously consider telling her about my boob-shaped pudding idea, but she’s still technically one of my soldiers, so I don’t want to see her fall quite that far.

Though I suppose it’s already too late for that…

As I look at Snow like a disappointed parent, Alice tugs on my sleeve. “Forget about that for a moment, Six. We should try attacking one of those dolls. Grimm claims they’ve got ghosts inside, right? I don’t know what sort of scam she’s running, but we should use the power of science to expose it.”

“You really do hate fantasy elements, don’t you? The spirits in those things are former residents of the city, right? We’ll get in trouble if we hurt them.”

Snow shoots us a look of distaste upon hearing our exchange.

“What are you two planning? Even if it’s for Lady Alice, I’d prefer not to disrupt the festival welcoming back the dead…”

Just then…

…an oddly sprightly stuffed animal surveys its surroundings in front of us.

The pink rabbit starts making its way toward the park where we’ve set up our temporary hideout. Something’s fishy here.

We decide to follow it.

The stuffed rabbit arrives at the park without noticing us. After ducking into the bushes, it begins studying our hideout intently…

…and falls over as Alice unleashes a sneak attack from behind.

“Six, I’ve caught one behaving suspiciously. Let’s see what’s inside.”

“Good work, Alice! Hang on a moment; I’ll tie it up with some rope… Huh, we’ve got a lively one here. Hey, cut it out!”

“—! —!!”

I hear a muffled voice from inside the doll; does that mean ghosts have vocal cords?

Alice keeps it pinned while I start wrapping the rope around it, but the thing is really struggling.

“H-hey, you two! The spirit inside died for Grace! Treat it with a little more respect…” Snow steps in to stop us, but this rabbit’s resisting harder than I expected.

“This thing’s pretty strong for a ghost! Alice, go ahead and show it who’s boss. Use it as a sandbag, and…”

As I tie up the doll and instruct Alice, I feel something soft to the touch.

For some reason, the doll ignores the kicks Alice is landing on it and instead resists my attempts to grab it.

Did Grimm make this stuffed rabbit?

It’s pretty comfortable to hold, almost enough to want one in every home.

<Evil Points Acquired. Evil Points Acquired.>

For some reason, I get points each time I touch the doll.

Just as I start fondling various parts of the doll because of the pleasant sensations…

“…! …!! S-stop already!”

The rabbit lets out a cry and stands up, emitting flame from its palm.

I wonder for a moment if ghosts can use magic, but the voice sounds familiar.

“Getting pretty handsy, aren’t you? You bastard, I’m going to finish you off once and for—!”

The rabbit starts to speak, but the flame forming in the palm of its hand sets its torso on fire.

“…! …!! …!!!”

Suddenly bursting into flames, the rabbit rolls around the ground trying to put out the fire.

It looks like it’s got a good bit of fire resistance.

Roughly splitting open the rabbit suit, what emerges from inside is—

“Gasp, wheeze…! L-long time no see, Six! I’m impressed you saw through my disguise!”

Tanned skin, generous curves.

A skimpy outfit like a swimsuit that just barely covers enough skin.

“I—I wasn’t expecting you to blow my cover in the middle of this city, but now that you have, I have no choice. Come on, Six; let’s get started…!”

Heine of the Flames babbles quickly, as though to distract from the fact that she almost died from her own power. She makes for an easy mark and is captured without much effort.

6

In front of the Grace city park…

Heine is lying on the grass a little distance away from our hideout, her upper body bound with rope and her eyes filled with tears.

“Wasn’t expecting to find Heine inside one of those. Hey, Alice, the stuffed animal gacha just gave us an SSR result.”

“A stuffed animal gacha? Really? Still, we’ve proven that the dolls wandering around town have people inside. There’s no such thing as ghosts, after all.”

As we’re debating, Snow bends down in front of Heine with a wide grin on her face.

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! To think one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four would be in a place like this! What, were you that eager to become my bonus pay? I simply adore the sight of you helpless and tied up on the ground like that!”

The deeply disturbed sadist looks down at Heine and cackles.

Heine’s eyes are still welling with tears, but she purses her lips and glares up in defiance.

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha. We’ve got plenty of time. I’ll enjoy getting your reasons for sneaking into this city out of you… Mwa-ha-ha…mwa-ha-ha-ha!”

I don’t know what she’s thinking of doing, but Snow shivers with a blissful expression on her face, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Wait. I’ll handle Heine’s interrogation. Go wait over there and stay out of my way.”

I push aside the wriggling Snow and step out in front.

The moment Heine sees me, she goes pale.

“Wha—? Nonsense! You expect me to give up a chance to look down on this stubborn woman and torture her?! I bet you want to just indulge in your perversions. I’ll handle this!”

“Don’t be ridiculous. We’ve captured a female enemy commander dressed like this! Not doing a perverted interrogation would go against the laws of nature!”

Ignoring our bickering, Alice takes out a syringe and bends down.

“Why bother with interrogating? Leave this to me. I’ll draw out the information by dosing her with a powerful truth serum. If that doesn’t work, I’ll mess directly with her brain using surgery.”

“Eeep…!” Heine squeaks out a cry at Alice’s idea.

“Hey, Alice, that’s the human vegetable course. That’d be a waste. Heh-heh, are you ready, Miss Heine? There aren’t too many reasons why someone would sneak into a city. You’re here for sabotage, aren’t you?”

“Wait, we should let her decide what she prefers! Choose, Heine of the Flames. Pain, perversion, or become a vegetable?”

Heine, now completely pale, looks up at us from her bonds.

“I-I’m just here to rescue Russell! I figured I could hide among the wandering stuffed animals… I’m not here to sabotage you…”

I grab a handful of Heine’s breast as she pleads tearfully.

“Don’t lie! I bet you guys are behind all the setbacks we’ve had during our base construction!”

“N-no, no, no, I don’t know anything about that! I sent some orcs to raid along your border to get you to focus in that direction, but I don’t know anything about your base!”

As I hear the announcements of Evil Point acquisition, I put my compassion aside and continue groping Heine to get her to spill the rest of her information.

“Ah-ha, so you must be the reason I’ve lost my beloved blades and fallen heavily into debt! How dare you! I’ll demand a ransom for your safe return to the Demon Lord’s Army!”

“Wh-what are you talking about?! I don’t know anything about your debts! Don’t blame everything on me! Six, I really am only here to get Russell back! You can stop groping me now… Hell, I’m pretty sure you’re just using interrogating me as an excuse to grope me!”

I suppose I should have expected this from one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four.

She won’t spill her real reasons for being here so easily…

“S-stop, th-that’s not funny! Don’t try to strip me here!”

Heine desperately struggles to crawl away, but that act won’t work on me.

I’m tugging on the fabric that’s just barely covering Heine’s assets when Alice raises her hand to stop me.

“I think that’s enough, Six. It looks like she really is just here to recover Russell of the Water.”

It’s not often Alice says something like that. There’s no way she’d be swayed by pity, so I bet she’s got some reason for butting in.

“Tch. If Alice believes you, then we’ll let you go for today.”

“You’re in luck, Heine of the Flames! You better appreciate Lady Alice’s mercy!”

I’m just putting on an act, but Snow genuinely sounds like Alice’s lackey.

“Th-thanks, I appreciate it… Anyway, do you mind letting me see Russell? He’s powerful, but he’s still just a kid. Please don’t do anything too awful to him…”

“Doesn’t matter if he’s a kid or not, he’s still technically a leader in an evil organization. We’re not treating him too badly, though. See for yourself,” I tell her.

Heine breathes a small sigh of relief, then stands while tied up.

“Russell’s over there; go ahead and talk to him. He’s working, but I’m sure he can spare the time to chat.”

“All right. I really appreciate it! Russell! Russell, it’s me! Are you all right? How are you doing? You haven’t been mistreated, right?”

Encouraged by Alice, Heine looks toward the temporary hideout where the cross-dressing Chimera is busily hanging up the laundry to dry and freezes in her tracks.

Russell, happily humming a song as he hangs up the washing, twitches at the call from his former coworker.

“H-Heine…? Huh, wh-what are you doing here, Heine…?!”

“…R-Russell…? Wh-wh-what are you doing dressed like that…?”

Of course, “like that” refers to the maid outfit.

Recently, the cross-dressing Chimera has settled into his role and seems to be enjoying caring for Tiger Man and the Combat Agents.

“Russell, y-you…”

“N-no, this is… Heine, this isn’t what it looks like! They’re just forcing me to dress this way! It’s Tiger Man’s fetish!” Russell desperately pleads his case as Heine backs away, but the fact that he was humming earlier robs him of credibility.

Alice pats Heine’s shoulder as she stands there staring in shock. “As you can see, Russell’s leading a fulfilling life here. Seems he enjoys caring for the others instead of being judged solely for his fighting ability like he was in the Demon Lord’s Army. Put aside any ideas of taking him back to the Demon Lord’s Army and just let him be.”

“You’re right; I’ve never seen Russell so cheerful… Honestly, Russell, it hurts to lose you, but… You’re still a kid. It’s better for you to live each day happily instead of going to war. Enjoy your life here…”

“Hey, wait! Heine, don’t leave me here! I mean, sure, I’ll admit the work is a little fun, and I was happy when they said they needed me! But I want to go back to the Demon Lord’s Army, I swear!”

Heine looks like she’s seriously thinking it through as Russell clings to her.

“…I think sticking to a peaceful life here is a valid choice… But it’s also true that we need you,” Heine says with a little smirk. “Alice, right? You seem to be the voice of reason around here… How about we make a deal?”

“Not happening. You don’t seem to understand your position, you airheaded floozy.”

Heine freezes at Alice’s harsh response.

“All right, Six, we’re done here. This woman’s now your maid for generating Evil Points. Do whatever you’d like, including sexual harassment. Make her earn her keep.”

“Whoo-hoo!”

“Wait! I’m sorry I mentioned a deal! But I have important information for you!” Heine pleads desperately as I crack my knuckles and approach.

“Do you have mush for brains? Given the circumstances, we can force you to spill whatever information you might hold. I’ll send Six to you, so you can start talking whenever you’re ready.”

“All right! Feeling motivated now!”

“I’ll talk! I’ll talk! The information is about the Undead Festival that starts tomorrow! The undead have been acting odd lately, right? There’s a reason for that!”

My gleeful hands pause at Heine’s words.

Oh yeah, Grimm was saying something similar.

Stuff about zombies staying hostile and the dolls attacking people.

But as I try to press for details…

“You’re going on about superstitious nonsense like the undead, too? We’re done. You’re not even worth being a maid. I’m going to just hog-tie you and toss you out into the wastes!”

“Whaaat?! What do you mean, ‘superstitious nonsense’?! It’s about the undead! If you hold the festival now, you’ll face some serious trouble!”

“We’re an evil organization. Causing trouble is how we put food on the table. Bringing chaos to the world is my job. Bring it on. Six, go toss her outside the city.”

Alice ignores Heine’s words and hands the rope’s end to me.

“You sure? I bet she’s still got plenty of uses.”

“That’s right. If we negotiate with the Demon Lord’s Army, we can definitely turn a profit with this woman. It’d be a waste to just leave her to the monsters!”

Despite our pleading…

“Negotiations are a pain. Just go and throw her away. We’ll show them we’re the greater evil organization. She’ll set a perfect example as mokemoke fodder,” Alice says, shoving our objections aside.

“All right, we left Heine in the wastes. She was crying and causing a scene. Are you sure we should’ve just left her like that?”

“Good work. It’s fine. She’s plenty useful this way.”

…Useful? How?

“Even one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four won’t come away unscathed if you leave them tied up in a wasteland.”

“Don’t worry about that. I made sure the knots were in a place where she could burn them away. And I made sure they were loosely tied so she could undo them even without her flames. She’ll figure out how to free herself once she calms down a bit.”

Um.

“Then we just wait for her to return to the Demon Lord’s castle, and we’ll know the location, thanks to the tracking device I put on her. We could have just interrogated the intel out of her, but they’ll be less cautious if she returns on her own. Once we know the location, we can launch an attack on them.”

………

“Um, Alice. Right before we ditched Heine, I took away the magic stone she had hidden away. Also, I noticed the knots were loose, so I made sure to tighten them…”

“Seriously?”

………

“Oh well. She’s one of the Demon Lord’s Elite Four. She’s not that easy to kill.”

“O-of course. She’s an elite. She’ll be fine.”

“J-just like that? Really…?”

7

The next day.

“Hey, Six, what happened to Heine? She better be safe.”

Russell’s been pestering me ever since we ditched Heine in the wastes.

“You’re our prisoner. You’ve got plenty to worry about yourself. I’ve got a plan brewing. We’ll make a maid café and have you work there. Once the guests are comfortable, we’ll reveal that you’re actually a man. That’ll earn us lots of money and Evil Points. A lovely plan, isn’t it?”

“I still think you lot are more evil than the Demon Lord’s Army.”

As Russell and I continue washing underwear in the park fountain, Alice calls over to us.

“Hey, Six, sorry to interrupt you as you’re getting used to homeless life, but I need you to come with me. I’m meeting the princess.”

Oh.

“Ah, so we’re going to force them to open up the barracks and free us from this life,” I say. “Tents are just too drafty. Let’s have them give us the room I had before.”

“Thanks to the antics of you Combat Agents, we’re not allowed in the castle unless we’re on urgent business,” Alice retorts. “And that’s precisely what we’re going for today.”

I tilt my head. “Didn’t they say they’d let us get away with some minor evil deeds? As long as we avoid crossing certain lines like hurting people or committing seriously unspeakable acts.”

“Correct. We’ve had them ignore petty crimes as part of the cost of protecting this kingdom. Which means…”

Alice lets out an oddly human sigh.

“…some idiot crossed a line and got caught,” she says with a look of resignation.

The moment we enter the castle, we’re taken to Tillis’s room with no explanation.

There, the room’s owner sits with an expression that’s difficult to read.

“…Sir Six, Miss Alice. Given that we’ve built up a good relationship, I must express my supreme disappointment over this incident,” she murmurs. The scheming princess seems to be having trouble telling us what she wants to say.

I’m still not sure why we’re here, but she doesn’t seem too angry.

Alice usually takes charge when problems like this come up, and this time is no different. “Sorry about all this, princess. I’ve been keeping a close eye on these meatheads, but… First, can you tell me what’s going on? We can discuss reparations and other issues after.”

“Certainly. For reparations, a monetary payment will not be necessary. The attempt ended in failure. As for the crime… Shall we call it an attempt to sneak in and seduce a sleeping maiden? The victim in this case…is myself.”

Alice’s capacity for smooth talk seems to leave her.

“…Seriously?! We have a Combat Agent who’s got the balls to attempt that on the princess? Huh,” she mutters in shock, which is impressive for an android.

Tillis turns a pained expression toward her. “The one who made the attempt is Agent Ten. He’s currently being detained in the castle dungeon.”

Wait, Agent Ten?

That’s odd. He’s definitely a first-class pervert, but he’s also a gentleman.

I can’t imagine him making the moves on Tillis while she sleeps…

As though answering my doubts, Tillis speaks a little more clearly, a faint blush creeping into her cheeks.

“Unlike the other Kisaragi agents, Agent Ten had a good reputation within the castle, and he was well-known for his generosity to children, which makes his attempt at nighttime seduction of royalty all the more…disappointing…,” Tillis trails off, seeming especially shocked by this turn of events. Agent Ten the gentleman is indeed quite popular among the children.

“I had no idea he was that much of an evil bastard… Wow…”

During this whole exchange, only Alice seems to be impressed.

“What do you mean, ‘wow’?! I woke up in the middle of the night to find a completely naked Agent Ten hunched over near me. Do you have any idea how frightening that was…?!”

“All right, understood. We’ll go ahead and grill him about the details. Just to confirm, it was only an attempt, right? Can you elaborate on how far he got…?”

When Alice asks for further details, Tillis clutches her arms around herself and trembles as if remembering that moment.

I’m also curious about just what he did to Tillis, but now’s not the time.

As the two of them are busy discussing the next steps to take, I head to the dungeon where Ten’s likely being held.

8

Returning to the room a bit later, I find the two of them still going at it.

“As I said, there’s no need for monetary compensation. So we would require some other form of recompense. Sharing some of Kisaragi’s technology, for example…”

“Now you’re just being greedy, princess. I’m skeptical on whether or not your body even has the same value as our tech. For example, if you’re not a virgin, the value would be substantially less—”

“There’s no way a royal princess would be that indecent! I haven’t yet—”

“Sorry to interrupt during such an interesting subject, but can you spare a moment?”

I interject myself into the apparent argument.

“I spoke to Ten to see what he was up to, and he says he wasn’t there to seduce the princess. He says the reason he was naked in Tillis’s room was because he was trying to poop here.”

“……?!?!?!?!?!?! Excuse me—I’m afraid I don’t understand. I don’t understand a word of what you’re saying!” cries Tillis with a rare show of confusion.

“…? Oh, he says he was naked because he can’t relax in a room with his clothes on. I’ve met people like that before.”

“No, that’s not what I meant! Well, all right, that’s also a serious issue, but still! No, what I wanted to know was why he was planning to do such a thing inside my room! Why wouldn’t he just go to the bathroom?!”

It’s rare to see Tillis so flustered.

“I don’t know, either. Guess he’s just marking his territory? Setting boundaries?”

“My bedroom is my own! Honestly…?! J-just…just give me a moment to gather my thoughts…,” Tillis says, looking as incredulous as ever; but after pressing her hand to her chest and taking several deep breaths, her expression returns to normal. “I admit, I would have found this easier to accept if it had been a seduction attempt… P-pardon me, but I must ask, in your country, is it common to sneak into a woman’s room and do such things, Sir Six…?”

“Of course not, don’t be ridiculous. You feeling okay?”

“I—I find that abnormal as well. I was only asking just in case! Of all the… What crime do I even charge him with…?!”

Just then, Alice—who had been frozen until that moment for some reason—returns to her senses and reboots.

“Hey, Six, seems like I still have a lot to learn. I thought I understood you Combat Agents, but there are times when I can’t make heads or tails of what you’re thinking.”

Well, of course, even a high-spec android isn’t perfect.

“That’s how it is sometimes. I mean, it hasn’t been that long since you were built. You just need to build up experience from here. Everyone starts somewhere.”

“…If you say so. I don’t feel like I’ll ever understand you all, but…”

“Have a little more faith in yourself. It’ll be all right. You’ve been doing really well already.”

Alice doesn’t seem convinced. She’s got a wide range of expressions for an android.

But anyway.

“So what’s going to happen with Ten? Since we can’t expect reinforcements from Earth, Combat Agents are a precious commodity. Losing him would put a wrench in our future operations…”

“Hmm?! O-oh, of course; what shall we do…? Given the lack of precedent, I’m not certain what offense this would fall under…”

Tillis seems at a loss, so I offer her a hand.

“It’s not much different from peeing in public. So a similar punishment should be enough.”

“Please don’t equate using a maiden’s bedroom as a toilet with something like peeing in public!”

Tillis turns red, as if realizing something after her outburst.

“…You know, you’re still a girl, even if you are a scheming royal… You probably shouldn’t be yelling out things like ‘peeing in public’…”

“Whose fault do you think that is?! …This is too much! First the idiotic incantation, and now men breaking into my bedroom…”

Tillis suddenly cradles her face and bursts into tears. I guess it’s stressful to shoulder all the responsibility for running the kingdom.

“Alice, if you’ve got a heart in your robotic chest, at least try to console her…”

“…I do sympathize with her. If I were her, I would just kick all the Combat Agents out.”

Tillis purses her lips and glares at us. “We’ll write this incident off as a minor infraction this time. But if anything like this happens in the future, we’ll take strict measures. What is our security even doing…?”

Tillis seems at a loss, so I decide to offer her some advice here as well.

“The security for this room sucks. The problem is there’s only one soldier watching the doorway and no one watching the ceiling. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve sneaked into this room.”

“?!” Tillis goes quiet and stares in shock.

Yes, during my infiltration missions of late, I’d driven climbing stakes into the castle wall and opened a hole in the roof to sneak in.

Recently, taking advantage of a time when Tillis wasn’t in the room and there was no one around, I’d done a little work to make part of the ceiling easier to remove for access.

“See, like this…”

“So you were the root cause! Which means Sir Six was sneaking in to seduce me…” Tillis hugs her arms to herself and looks at me as though I’m some sort of predator.

“No, that thought never occurred to me. It’s just that I can earn a ton of Evil Points just by sneaking into a royal’s room. At first, I was planning to sneak in, strip naked, and crawl into bed next to you while you were sleeping, then surprise you when you woke up. But since I found out I could earn a lot of points just from sneaking in, I figured it’d be better to use the place to rack them up without your knowledge.”

“What do you mean ‘you figured’?! Huh? W-wait a moment; the way you phrased that sounds like it wasn’t just you and Ten sneaking in…”

Tillis’s expression goes from shock to dread.

“The others were here, too. Every night, there’s been someone here earning points by doing push-ups, dancing, or whatever else next to you.”

“Wh-why?! Just what were you doing while I slept?! And why?!”

As to why it turned out that way, I really don’t know, either.

“It started out with my squats. I’d sneak in during the middle of the night, get some exercise in, then head home to sleep. After that, there was the time I snuck in and played Jenga next to you. It started getting exciting to see how long it would take you to notice, and it was also fun to test the limits of what we could get away with. Recently, we actually had a barbecue right next to you…”

Before I can finish, Tillis screams an order.

“Guards!!”