CHAPTER 4

Undead Parade

1

“Sheesh, I was just trying to give her advice on security. No need to get so angry.”

“I honestly think you should be glad she didn’t press charges because you weren’t caught in the act…”

I guess Ten’s gonna be locked up for a while longer. Right when we need all hands on deck for base construction, too.

As a result, we’ve decided to delay the construction of the hideout until he gets released.

With nothing to do, Alice and I are wandering around the city of Grace and looking for opportunities to earn Evil Points.

“So I guess that’s how you were earning the points to order the construction materials and equipment. Hey, Six, sneak into the king’s room next.”

“No way; why would I want to sneak into some old man’s room? The fun is in sneaking in and doing stuff next to a defenseless beautiful maiden without waking her. But rest assured, the unwritten rule was to avoid laying a finger on Tillis.”

“What is it with you and your unwritten rules? If you’re going to go through all the trouble, at least have the balls to make a move on her.”

I wish someone who looks like a pretty young girl wouldn’t say stuff like that.

“Anyway, Six, why don’t we set fire to those wandering dolls?”

“Given how normal you are, you really do lose your head when the supernatural gets involved.”

There’s a good reason Alice is making such dangerous suggestions.

After all that preparation, the Undead Festival is finally underway, and tons of stuffed animals are wandering around every part of the city.

Given her utter refusal to believe in fantasy worlds, the situation’s gotta be unbearable for her.

“I eventually plan to expose the scam behind Grimm’s curses as well. They’re all just some sort of hypnosis.”

“Don’t say that to Grimm; you’ll just start another fight.”

At that moment, we catch sight of something in front of us.

“…Hey, Six. Isn’t that Grimm?”

Yes, speaking of the devil, there’s Grimm in the middle of a gathering of people.

“Lady Grimm, what is my brother saying? Um, is my brother really in here…?”

A shy-looking young woman pleads to Grimm tearfully.

She looks to be about fourteen or fifteen years old.

Grimm smiles warmly at her, then gently presses the doll next to her.

“I’m not certain if he is your brother, but his name is Larius. He says, ‘I’m home. I’m glad you achieved your dream without me. I’m so proud of you. I was so worried you wouldn’t be able to get by on your own, but I’m reassured to see you doing so well.’”

“Larius!”

Overcome with emotion, the girl hugs the stuffed animal.

“I—I worked so hard! Even after Mom, Dad, and then you died… I kept at it all by myself!”

The stuffed animal gently wraps its arms around the girl.

“He says, ‘It must have been so hard for you. I’m so proud of you, Mariel. I’m so very proud of you, Little Sister.’”

“Bwaaaaaah!” The girl called Mariel bursts into tears, clinging to the stuffed animal.

The people watching the exchange also have tears in their eyes.

I find myself pleasantly surprised to see this new side of Grimm.

“‘When my shy and fragile sister Mariel said she wanted to become a brawler and hold both gold and glory in the palms of her hands, I wanted to stop you. I thought you’d taken leave of your senses… But I’m happy to admit I was wrong. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are.’”

“Yup! Um, um…! I haven’t lost a single match yet, and my fans even call me ‘Bloody Mary’! And now, the champion, Reidog, keeps finding excuses to avoid fighting me…”

…

Wait, is this really a heartwarming story?

I mean, the crowd is nodding along tearfully, but I’m not sure her brother was wrong to stop her.

“Hey, Larius, what happened to Mom and Dad?”

“‘Oh, those two were reincarnated a while ago. They were fighting till the end, declaring to the other they were going to find a better partner and avoid a shotgun wedding in the next life.’”

“Oh, Mom and Dad… Heh, how funny… Still fighting even after death, heh-heh…,” Mariel chuckles softly.

Nope, that’s not the least bit heartwarming.

C’mon, guys; stop laughing along and point that out.

“Now go on home and enjoy the rest of the festival. He should be able to communicate through writing, though it might be a little hard to read since he’ll be writing with a doll’s hand.”

“Thank you very much, Lady Grimm! Let’s go home, Larius! When we get home, I’ll show you my Skull Crusher, the move that earned me the nickname ‘Bloody Mary’!” Mariel smiles and takes the doll by the hand, and the two walk off, arm in arm.

“Lady Grimm, me next! Please, me next!”

“I’m certain my husband is in here! Lady Grimm, please tell me what my husband says!”

After Mariel leaves, the members of the crowd begin pleading for Grimm’s attention.

“Please, all of you, calm down. We’ll go in order… Also, you there. Your husband is no longer here. He’s already been reincarnated, but he said something about marrying a young, cute bride in his next— Ow! H-hey, stop that!” Grimm cries out as the doll starts hitting her in the middle of her story. “Sorry, sorry, I was only kidding! But can I just point out that it’s completely unfair for you to flirt with your wife through me?!”

Makes me think it’d be better not to let her run this festival, but I guess since she’s the only one who can talk to the spirits, there’s not much of an alternative.

We turn away from the sight of Grimm interpreting between the spirits and their bereaved families, resuming our wandering around the festival.

“That was a rare sight, to see her acting all priestly. Pretty impressive, talking to the dead.”

As we wander around the city, I think back on how different my impression of Grimm was tonight.

“Try not to buy into her bullshit, would you, Six? There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for what we saw earlier. That Mariel, or whatever her name was, was a plant. She and Grimm must have planned it beforehand and put on an act.”

“You really hate fantasy, don’t you?”

I have trouble believing that girl’s tearful expression was just an act.

I look over the stuffed animals as they walk past.

“It’s certainly a cutesy little scene. Grimm’s supposedly the one who made all those dolls wandering around. She’s got a pretty domestic streak, it seems.”

Well, considering how badly she wants to get married, it shouldn’t be all that surprising.

Walking next to me, Alice eyes the dolls as well. “Our Meat the Ripper is cuter.”

“You and Rose have weird taste.”

I take another look around the city. “So, Alice, this is what passes for a festival on this planet, I guess. What do you think?”

“No drama, no shady con artists. This planet’s festivals are rather orderly, aren’t they?”

For an evil organization like Kisaragi, festivals are how we got our start, and they remain an important part of our heritage.

Back when we were still small and weak, we’d put up unauthorized stalls whenever there was a festival to earn money.

Of course, that would lead to skirmishes with the local organizations, which we’d use to secure a foothold and…

“This really takes me back… I remember when I’d sell fake copies of rare cards from that super-popular trading card game to the kids…”

“Ripping off kids. Yikes.”

Still…

“Anyway, as Kisaragi operatives, we can’t just stand by and watch such a lame festival. Festivals mean fighting and scams. Hey, Alice, let’s go show the locals what a real festival looks like.”

Alice looks at me and tilts her head.

2

“Hey, you there! We’ve got boobies here! Big boobies! Whaddaya think? We’re doin’ a four-for-one boob deal if you act now!”

“Huh? Wh-what are you talking about?”

This is the city’s hospitality district. Using money borrowed from Alice, we’ve rented a small space for the festival.

“C’mon, bro, you know what I’m talkin’ about! Boobies, of course! They’re soft, warm, and make you happy just by lookin’ at ’em! Everyone loves boobies!”

“Everyone loves…”

“Boobies, yes.”

There aren’t any hostess clubs in this town. There are more direct forms of prostitution like brothels, but perhaps there just isn’t much demand for bars where men can drink surrounded by beautiful women. After all, this country has way more women than men.

I smile at the customer, rubbing my hands together.

“For just five silver pieces an hour, you can spend time with some pretty young women. How about it? Refresh yourself with tasty booze and bountiful boobies.”

“I’m in.”

Seems this guy doesn’t have much resistance to this sort of thing, as he accepts the invitation quite readily.

I show him inside before he changes his mind.

“You’re in luck today! Right now, our number one hostess, Miss Snow, is available! Customer incoming!”

In the dimly lit interior, Snow awaits him on a sofa, wearing a dress that really shows off the goods.

“Welcome! I’m this club’s number one hostess, Snow. Why don’t we start things off with some drinks?”

“H-huh? D-drinks? Sure, do what you want…”

“Oh my, thank you very much! Boss, an order for drinks!”

The Number One asks for drinks without so much as an explanation of how customers are charged.

The man sits next to the Number One without the faintest notion of what sort of establishment this is. Then, without giving him any time to think, the club’s Number Two brings a bottle and some glasses over and places them on the table.

“I brought the drinks. Here ya go.”

Number Two is Alice, wearing a dress that shows off her shoulders.

Obviously, since this club’s only got two hostesses, she ends up being the Number Two by default.

“Apologies, sir. Alice’s mouthiness is part of her charm. Now drink up. Since you’re the only customer, we’ll go ahead and give you a deal and have two girls entertain you.”

“O-oh, thanks… But didn’t you say earlier there’d be four boobs? There are only two boobs in this club, as far as I can see…”

The man appears to remember what I told him up front.

He takes a long look at Snow’s chest, then glances toward Alice, looking less than satisfied.

“Eh? What is it? You trying to start a fight with Kisaragi? This is the optimal size for high-spec functionality. You got it?”

“I’m not trying to tell you anything. Also, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

As Alice squabbles with him, Snow wastes no time and pours the man a drink.

“There you are, sir. Please have a drink.”

Having already serviced two prior customers, Snow seems to have gotten a handle on how to deal with our current guest. Meanwhile, Alice continues to entertain the man with an attitude that veers between threatening and encouraging.

The man continues to cast glances at Snow’s chest, but he doesn’t appear to have the courage to get handsy, instead making small talk as they encourage him to buy more drinks.

After an hour quickly passes by, I sidle up to the table as planned.

“Enjoying your time here, sir? Your hour is almost up. Would you like an extension?”

“Huh? It’s already been an hour? Well, five silvers for this much booze is a steal! All right, I’ll take another hour or so…” The man laughs cheerfully, taking out the silver coins.

“Oh, don’t be silly, sir. The five silver pieces are just to cover your drinks. Miss Snow’s drinks, the hostess fees for two girls, and the potato chips add up to twenty gold pieces…”

“Whoa! I don’t have that much money! Hey, that wasn’t the deal!” The man starts to panic.

Festivals are a scam city.

That’s right; we’re taking advantage of the festival to run a rip-off hostess club to earn both Evil Points and invasion funds. Having lost our ability to earn points using Tillis’s bedroom, we’ve had to find an alternate source to get by.

“You know, I did give Miss Snow permission to get one drink at first, but the rest were things she ordered on her own…”

“Is that true, Miss Snow?”

“I dunno.”

As Snow plays up the part of a bimbo, the man’s face contorts with fear.

“Hmph! Miss Snow says she doesn’t know! Also, you sexually harassed Miss Alice for being flat! We’ll be charging you recompense for that, too!”

<Evil Points Acquired>

“Mm-hmm, that really traumatized me. I’ll settle for ten gold pieces.”

<Evil Points Acquired>

“But she’s just a kid! She’s clearly got no boobs!”

<Evil Points Acquired>

As the man tries to put up some resistance, Alice and I stand up.

“Well, that’s a problem, sir. If you have no money, we’ll need to have you show us to your home.”

<Evil Points Acquired>

“I’ve got a pretty good eye for things. I’ll start by appraising your belongings.”

<Evil Points—>

“That’s enough, announcer!”

As I bitch at my internal announcements, the man finally loses it.

“Screw you! I can’t believe you’re running a scam like this! If I’m gonna pay that much money, I’m gonna grope Miss Snow’s boobs!”

“Wh-what?! Don’t be ridiculous! Have you lost your mind? Hey, Six, Alice, stop him! I’m not going to let him touch me for so little!”

Feeling he’s got nothing left to lose, the man pounces on Snow to get his money’s worth, but there’s no way a knight like Snow would lose to a civilian.

Yet, lust proves itself a powerful motivator. Now grappling with Snow, the man is actually holding his own against her.

“Good work, Snow! Let’s make this a fait accompli!”

“Yep, once that happens, we can get our share even if it goes to court. Well done, Number One. You’re in rare form today.”

“Stop commenting and stop him! …Grrr, this man’s putting up stiff resistance for a commoner…!”

As the nondescript man puts up a good fight, the door suddenly bursts open.

“Freeze! City guard! We’ve received reports that you’re running an illegal business here…”

Before the guards who burst in can finish, Alice and I break for the back door.

“W-wait, at least let me recover the money…” Snow hurriedly swats the man she’s grappling with aside and grabs the club’s money.

“They’re making a break for it! Circle around to the back!”

“Wait, there’s still one straggler! She’s trying to grab the club’s money! Deal with her first!”

As Alice and I bolt out the back door, shouting can be heard coming from inside.

“There, we’ve captured the greedy one! We’ll interrogate this one and get the details!”

“Y-you lot, do you know who you’re dealing with?! State your unit, titles, and names! I’m the former knight captain of the Royal Guard, and…!”

“Stop resisting! Don’t try to hide the money in your dress! Let go!”

With Snow staying back and buying us time, we make our way from that spot—

3

The next day…

After making a safe exit, we’ve quickly given up on the hostess club scam and switched to a new hustle.

“We made the mistake of using someone as greedy as Snow yesterday. But we won’t let it end here. Leave it to me. I’ve got an idea.”

“Boss, I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine this going well. Can I go home?”

I figured Snow would be back pretty quickly after that since it was a pretty minor offense, but she’s evidently refusing to hand back the money and is still in custody.

Sure, we were the ones who told her it’d be a profitable gig, but she was the most enthusiastic about the work, which might mean she’s further gone than I first thought.

Still, it’s only the second day of the festival.

I’m sick of the fact that my point total is negative and want to do something about it while the festival’s still going on.

“Aw, don’t say that, Rose. We’re comrades, aren’t we?”

“That’s right. We’re already coconspirators, and we sink or swim together. It’s too late for you to back out.”

“Wait, Miss Alice, what do you mean coconspirators? I’m going home! W-wait, why are you two grabbing me? Please stop! Let me go!”

Alice and I put our hands on Rose’s shoulders as she tries to leave.

“Now wait, Rose; we’re counting on you. The term coconspirator Alice used doesn’t mean much. If anything, we can’t call this an evil deed at all.”

“If you help us out, I’ll make sure you get all the food you can eat. The job’s simple. Get inside this animal suit and fawn on the person we specify.”

We then point to a dog suit, a small one designed to fit someone of Rose’s size.

“I—I won’t be fooled! I keep telling you that you can’t just buy me off with food!”

I gently pat Rose as she looks at us with suspicion. “Rose, you were raised by your grandpa, right? The person we want you to fawn on is an old man who lost a family member.”

Rose freezes.

Alice follows up with her own details.

“The geezer’s been waiting every year for his family to visit him. Sadly, they haven’t shown up once. So we just want you to pretend to be his family member who’s come back for the Undead Festival. Y’know, make him feel good.”

“…All right, I understand. I’ll help, if that’s the case. You two really are unfair! There’s no way I could say no to that…”

Rose lets out a troubled laugh and climbs into the animal suit.

“I knew you’d say that, Rose. You’re a good egg.”

As I say that and smile, the stuffed animal glances away a little shyly—

“I’ve brought him like you asked. Your dear little Patrasche… Hey, Patrasche, calm down. Sit! Patrasche, sit!”

“…! …!! …!!!”

I try to hand the suited Rose to the old man, but Rose puts up some fierce resistance.

As Rose grabs the rope around the stuffed animal’s neck and tries to tear it off, I say in a hushed tone, “Knock it off, Patrasche! I thought you were here to console the old man!”

“You said I’d be posing as his family, so I assumed you meant a grandchild or something! But this…Patrasche?! It’s a pet! It’s most definitely a pet! No wonder it didn’t come back!”

Yes, turns out the old man lost his pet dog.

I don’t know where she found the assignment, but Alice snagged the request to find the dog.

I guess this old man’s one of the richest people in the city, and Alice’s plan is to fool the geezer and get the reward money, but…

“Patrasche…? Is that you, Patrasche?! Come here, Patrasche; let’s take a walk.”

“I’m glad Patrasche came back, old man. Mind paying up now?”

As the old man happily celebrates seeing Rose, Alice goes up to him to ask for the money.

Sure, this feels a bit like an I’m your long-lost so-and-so identity scam, but it’s actually a pretty good win-win scenario where everyone but Rose, stuck pretending to be the pet, leaves happy.

“Boss, I won’t forgive you for this! I’ll endure it because I don’t want to disappoint the poor old man, but I’ll remember this when I get back!”

“All right, all right. I’ll treat you to something really tasty when you get back, okay?”

“Please stop treating me like I’m some sort of hungry, hungry character!”

Whispering back at me, Rose then gets down on all fours and approaches the old man.

It’s still pretty clear from her posture she’s not happy with this, but she seems to have made her peace with it to please the old man.

“Patrasche, is something wrong? Why are you on all fours? Are you in pain?”

“Hey, geezer, isn’t Patrasche a dog?” Alice asks.

“Patrasche is a Mounting Gorilla,” the old man replies. “Very aggressive. He’d tackle anyone who looked strong, pin them in a mounting position, and beat them up—”

“Whoooooa! Patraaasche?!” I dodge out of the way as Rose suddenly lunges at me. She circles around and makes another lunge, and I fight to keep her at bay.

“Ahhh, it’s Patrasche! That tackle is unmistakable! It’s Patrasche!”

“Good. Great. Fantastic. Fork over the cash already.”

As I grapple with the animal suit, I whisper under my breath, “What the hell are you doing, Patrasche?!”

“I have to be convincing! Sorry, Boss! Please let me beat you up!”

“You’re taking advantage of this to attack me, aren’t you?”

As I barely manage to hold her off, the old man calls over happily, “Now, Patrasche, stop playing and come with me. I’ve prepared all your favorite treats.”

“I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but don’t you dare leave. Right now, you’re Patrasche possessing the stuffed animal. Whatever he offers you, don’t give into temptation—got it?”

“I’m not that much of a glutton. It’ll be fine. I can bear it.”

Bear it? That phrasing’s already problematic.

“Patrasche, I’ve prepared tons of the gourmet supopocchi prime rib that you love. Even if it’s just during the festival, eat as much as you can.”

“Hey, Patrasche, stop! I’ll give you a banana later, so stay!”

Patrasche doesn’t last two seconds against the temptation of gourmet prime rib.

Do the gorillas on this planet eat meat? Wait, can I even be sure Alice’s translator is working properly?

“Ha-ha, good boy, Patrasche. Miss Alice, here’s the reward. Please accept it.”

“Thanks.” Alice happily accepts the money.

Meanwhile, easily tempted by the food, Patrasche happily leaves with the old man.

4

Today’s the third day of the Undead Festival.

Snow is evidently still in custody, refusing to return the money and demanding to see a lawyer.

Alice, who has completely memorized this kingdom’s laws, has volunteered for the position. She was enthusiastically stating how she was going to exploit all the loopholes, so it looks like that gold digger will be released soon.

As for Patrasche, now that she’s been adopted by the old man, she probably won’t be back for the duration of the festival.

Which means I’m stuck here alone without anything to do.

“You’re an odd one. Coming back to order skewers from us after seeing that exchange. Even I have to admit I’m surprised.”

“Hey, I promise not to get angry, so tell me what this meat is, will you? My curiosity’s killing me.”

I’ve been sniffing the mystery meat skewers from the guy Snow had demanded a bribe from.

I don’t smell anything particularly wrong with the meat, but I’m not convinced it’s safe to eat.

I mean, this rock’s inhabitants eat all sorts of weird things, including mokemokes and pyokopyokos. Maybe the attitude toward this meat is just a cultural difference.

“Just to confirm, this isn’t something like human meat, right?”

“Now, why would you say such a thing?! Of course not!”

Based on how offensive the suggestion is to the owner, it looks like the coast is clear on that front.

In which case, given all the things I ate as part of my survival back on Earth, there’s nothing that’d cause much of a problem for me.

I open my mouth to take a bite.

“Of course it’s not something as normal as human meat…”

“Wait, what did you just say?”

As I lower the skewer from my mouth…

“Found you, Commander! Tch, where the heck have you been? Leaving me to fend for myself!” Grimm squeakily rolls up in her wheelchair with a big frown on her face. I’m surprised to see her awake and moving around this early in the morning. She glances at the skewer I’m holding. “I bought you food under the implied promise that you’d help me out! The others who might help out, like Snow and Rose, are nowhere to be found, either!”

Grimm grumbles and grabs the skewer out of my hand.

“Oh!”

And then…

“Besides, like I told you last time, managing the Undead Festival is work assigned by the kingdom! It’s your whole unit’s responsibility, not just mine!”

““Uh…””

Grimm takes a bite as the owner and I look on.

I have no idea what creature the mystery meat came from, but at the very least, it doesn’t appear to be poisonous.

“…Uh, here, I’ll give you the rest of these skewers. So cheer up, okay?”

“Oh, thank you. What is it, Commander? Are you finally coming around to my charms?”

Grimm’s mood turns quickly at something as simple as someone buying her meat skewers. I guess she’s so starved for kindness from men that even a minor meal is a cause for celebration.

Eventually, the woman with strategic-level baggage seems to get a weird notion into her head, squirming from side to side in a way that sets off alarm bells in my mind.

“Say, Commander. Why don’t we go on another date? All you have to do is help me out a little first!” She then breaks out into a bright smile.

“Save it.”

It seems she can’t understand my reply, and she continues, oblivious…

“So for this next date, we can start with a walk by the river…”

“Wait, why?! You’ve got a catch like me asking you out! Given the circumstances, you should accept!”

“You’re not a catch; you’re a virgin slut and quite possibly the thirstiest person I’ve ever met… Hey! What are you doing? Let go of my belt!”

Forced to tag along with Grimm, I’m now pushing her wheelchair along the road by the river.

“Say, Commander, walking together like this, don’t you think we look like a couple?”

“We look like a sickly patient and her caretaker,” I fire back.

Grimm furrows her brow in a frown. “You know, I noticed this a while ago, Commander, but you’re a Snow-level tsundere, aren’t you? She can’t really help it, since she’s had to compete against men all her life, but what happened to you to make you so stubborn?”

“I’m not stubborn. I’ll follow a good-looking woman like a lemming, and if the price is right, I’ll go out of my way to do things for them. Any woman I reject just isn’t worth the effort, or she’s not attractive to begin with.”

Grimm sets her arm on the wheelchair’s armrest and tilts her head with a little smile.

“You’re definitely stubborn, Commander. Let me rephrase it, then. Say, Commander, could you please give me a hand with my work? And once we’re done… Let’s go out for a night on the town again.”

“Any woman I reject just isn’t worth the effort, or she’s not attractive to begin with.”

“You’ve got a beauty like me offering you a date in exchange for your help; what’s the deal?! All right, fine—I’ll take you to the bar we went to the other night and buy us a bottle of the best champagne!”

And now I find myself agreeing to help Grimm after she started clinging and pleading with me tearfully, but…

“Honestly, I think your mistake is asking for my help. I’ll be blunt. I know nothing about this country’s laws or customs.”

“Yeah, I’m not expecting your brains to be of any use, either. I’m actually hoping to borrow your brawn, Commander.”

The bit about not expecting my brains to be of any use bothers me a little bit, but…

“Well, in that case, leave it to me. You want to pick fights, right?”

“No, I’m not asking you to do something that shady. It’s the other way around. I want you to help keep peace in the city. Among the responsibilities for the Undead Festival’s management is to stop pranks and capture misbehaving spirits.”

I’m good at keeping the peace.

It might seem surprising at first, but Combat Agents are used to keep order in conquered territories.

Keeping order makes establishing authority that much easier.

So long as it’s peaceful and the economy is thriving, people really don’t care who is in charge.

“Not to mention… I’ve been saying this for a while, but there’s something odd about this year’s Undead Festival. There’s usually not this much trouble…” Grimm mentions something of interest.

“Trouble?”

For us, trouble is part of our business, but unfortunately, we’re not in Japan at the moment.

Grimm shoots me a look full of concern.

“I’ve gotten a nonstop stream of bizarre reports. Well, for example… A stuffed animal bursting into flames in public or creepy black shadows heading toward the castle late at night. Smaller examples include scammers operating out of the business district…”

This all sounds familiar.

“The rest sound like urban legends, to be honest… Like the prime rib that mysteriously disappeared after being offered to a certain doll, and something about a scary skewer stall selling mystery meat…”

Yup, that sounds familiar, too.

“More than anything else, I’m getting reports that dolls are attacking people. With me in charge, that shouldn’t be happening, given that spirits have to sign a contract before they get to possess one.”

I recall that I recently got tackled by a doll named Patrasche.

“Grimm, I think you can just ignore those problems.”

“Why?! Have you been listening to me?! They might all sound like jokes to you, but there are victims here! It’s not like I’m making things up!”

Grimm’s not lying; I know that better than anyone.

“I see; this year’s Undead Festival sounds like a doozy. You know, just yesterday, Alice and I did a small side gig, so I’ve got a little spending money. Why don’t I treat you today, as your commander, in recognition of all your hard work?”

“Why are you saying that all of a sudden?! I worry I’ll fall in love when a man’s nice to me, so please don’t do that.”

I keep pushing Grimm in her wheelchair as she starts to panic.

“So what do you want to do after a walk by the river? Do you have somewhere you’d like to go?”

“Now you even sound nicer! U-um, well, after a walk by the river, maybe a picnic in the park…”

The park’s currently our temporary hideout.

“I didn’t pack a lunch today, so no picnics. I’ve got a decent bit of money, so how about I buy you a necklace? Let’s head to a jewelry store.”

“I’d love to…”

I push the wheelchair onward as Grimm falls silent for some reason.

5

Floating on cloud nine, Grimm starts speaking to me.

“Say, Commander? I’ve been thinking this awhile, but you’re pretty caring. And you don’t discriminate against people like me or Rose who aren’t quite human. That’s actually really attractive.”

“Oh yeah? Feel free to praise me some more.”

If my response bothers her at all, the current Grimm gives no sign of it.

“I actually think that confidence of yours is also pretty attractive, Commander. You’re strong and dependable, but you’re also mysterious and have your share of secrets… Your perverted streak is a little annoying, but…you’re a man, after all. You can’t help it. Besides, the fact that you sexually harass me a lot means you think I’m attractive, right?”

“Whoa, look at that rack on that chick— Huh? Yeah, sure. What were we talking about again?”

Grimm chuckles softly at my distraction as I push the wheelchair.

“Are you suddenly shy, Commander? Pretending not to hear. That part of you is also cute and attractive, you know?”

“I think that’s the first time I’ve been called cute since I was running around as the Fly.”

I don’t want to think about what they were calling cute in that instance.

“I never dreamed it’d turn out like this with you, Commander… Especially since you hiked up my skirt when I first met you. I was beside myself with anger, wondering what sort of person would do that to someone they just met…”

“That was because you were trying to show me your panties. That’s not my fault.”

“Heh-heh, I had no intention of actually showing you. Oh, just so we’re clear, I’m not some floozy who shows everyone my underwear! You’re actually the only one who’s seen it, Commander!” Grimm hurriedly adds, as though making excuses.

What’s gotten into her?

I mean, it’s none of my business who Grimm shows her underwear to…

“Commander, let’s go into this shop!”

The shop Grimm points us to must cater to younger couples, as none of the items are particularly pricey.

Now if I were here with Snow, I bet she’d go to some expensive shop and ask for all sorts of overpriced trinkets…

“We can go somewhere higher end. I’m kind of loaded right now, actually.”

Given that most of the complaints she’s getting aren’t actually her fault, I’d prefer to properly make it up to her.

But for some reason, Grimm just blushes.

“P-please don’t spoil me like that. I don’t want you to think I’m some sort of gold digger… And I know I’m clingy. If you’re that nice to me, I don’t think I’ll be able to turn back.”

“I think you’re already well past the point of no return.”

There’s certainly a lot of oddballs in Kisaragi, but we don’t have that many women with her kind of baggage.

At my comment, Grimm’s blush deepens, and she tucks her knees into her chest, huddling into a bundle in her wheelchair.

“Ahem, if you two could please stop flirting in front of the store—you’re getting in the way of our business. Please step inside,” an employee who had been watching our exchange suddenly calls out to us.

Grimm’s face goes beet red, and she casts small glances up at me from time to time.

“Mm, how obnoxious! So how can I help you today?” The employee’s smile doesn’t so much as twitch. If that’s their approach to customer service, why even work at a place like this?

Grimm looks down, saying in a faint whisper, “U-um… We’re here to buy a necklace.”

“My, my, my, a necklace! May Lord Zenarith curse you! Oh, my apologies. How lovely! Congratulations!”

Uh, pretty sure I heard the dark god’s name just now, but Grimm doesn’t seem to notice.

Actually, there was something else I was wondering about.

“Hey, Grimm, why’s this person getting so worked up over a necklace?”

““……””

The pair go silent, and I even feel the scrutiny of the other customers who had been browsing in the store.

“…Sir, are you and this young lady not in a relationship?”

“Huh? She’s just my subordinate. I’ve caused her some problems, so I figured I’d buy her some jewelry as an apology. But I figured she’d get the wrong idea if I gave her a ring, so that’s why I settled for a necklace.”

At these words, Grimm stops breathing.

6

People walking by are starting to stare at Grimm, who’s sitting in her wheelchair, knees cradled to her chest and pouting.

“Hey, Grimm, just because you’re undead doesn’t mean it’s not surprising when you almost die on me, so can you try to be a little more careful?”

“And whose fault do you think that is?! I was so happy… It was the first time someone had liked me since my childhood sweetheart sent me a love letter when I was little…! Heck, I still keep that love letter as a precious memento. That’s how important it was to me!”

I’m pretty sure Rose used that love letter as an offering when bringing Grimm back to life…

Grimm hasn’t quite settled down from her excitement. She keeps touching the object around her neck, even as she grumbles. The necklace is cheap, and she glares balefully each time she spots a couple walking down the street.

“Cheer up already. I told you I didn’t know anything about this kingdom’s laws or customs. And you said you didn’t expect anything from me in that area. How was I supposed to know that necklaces are an engagement token? I’d never heard of that.”

“I didn’t know you were such a numbskull, Commander! Necklaces imply things like I’m attached to you or I’m putting a collar around you to claim you as my own. You’re such a womanizer! A womanizer unaware of how much damage he does!”

Oh, c’mon…

“I’m not trying to seduce you, you know; you’re just too clingy.”

“How can you say that? After treating me so sweetly! And as a reward for causing me a little trouble? Sure, you made me buy you all those drinks at the bars and wandered home after hitting on another woman. Still, that’s not enough to merit a necklace. Oh, you’re most certainly a womanizer! If you can’t take responsibility, don’t be so sweet to me!”

That wasn’t what I meant in terms of trouble, but…

“Oh, whatever; I’m sorry. Now give me back that necklace, I’ll go trade it for another piece of jewelry.”

“Commander, what are you talking about?! Not only are you going to disappoint me, you’re going to rob me of my necklace as well?! I was planning to celebrate the first necklace I ever received as a gift, but I guess I’m not allowed such a fleeting moment of joy, am I?”

Oh, for the love of— This chick is a pain in the ass!

“If we’re both single a decade from now, I’ll take you, all right? Now look at me, please.”

Grimm, who had been looking away and pouting in her wheelchair, suddenly turns her head toward me.

“What do you mean ‘take me’? Just who do you think you are?! And a decade?! You’re saying that I still won’t be married by then?! You better sign a real contract saying you’ll marry me in ten years if we’re both single!”

“You really are a handful. This is what I mean by ‘clingy.’”

Producing a sheet of paper out of who knows where, Grimm begins writing.

Is she seriously drawing up a contract?

Wondering where she got the piece of paper, I look closely at the wheelchair and notice a little accessory bag on its side.

Peering inside, I see signed forms for marriage applications.

“…Just so we’re clear, I do have someone I like. So don’t get your hopes up too much.”

“You have someone already, and yet you were hitting on me? Just what is wrong with you, Commander? Still, I don’t mind. Whoever she is, I’m sure she’ll dump you.”

Does she want to get smacked?

“Stamp your blood print here… Hmm, ten years is a really long time, isn’t it? Surely there’s a way we can speed things along?”

“Nope, not at all. And you do recognize that the way you stamp your blood print without hesitation is part of why no one wants you, right?”

Seriously, she’d be a catch if it weren’t for the cursing, the clinginess, and the overall sense of desperation.

“I’m not someone who just wants to marry the first man who comes up, you know. I’m only saying this because I don’t dislike you, Commander. Like I said earlier, you treat Rose like a normal person. That really is attractive. Now write your name here and stamp your blood print here.”

“You know, you’re almost charming when the subject’s Rose. Why can’t you just keep that going?”

I ignore Grimm’s constant nagging to press my blood print and instead just put my signature onto the contract.

“All right, you feel better now? Why don’t we start on keeping the peace around town?”

“I can’t quite accept that you won’t sign in blood, but oh well. I’ll curse you if you break your promise. All right, let’s go tackle the problems one by one.”

First, Grimm leads us to the park we’ve been staying at.

Grimm glances around, seeming to have noticed something. Then she nods.

“Here’s our first stop. Apparently, a doll burst into flame. Usually, that would be impossible. But since we’re in the middle of the Undead Festival, I actually have a theory. Someone who had powerful magical abilities in life became a spirit and…”

“Oh, that was Heine dressed up in an animal suit. She put on a costume and snuck in. When we tried to pin her, she set her costume on fire with her powers.”

……

“Why didn’t you say that earlier?! I look like an idiot for taking it seriously.”

“You can’t put that on me. You were the one who was so sure of herself. If anything, you should be praising me for stopping Heine after she snuck into the city!”

Grimm starts bumping into my legs but eventually regains her composure.

“O-of course, you’re right; you were defending the city, Commander… Oh well, to the next spot!”

With that, we make our way toward the next scene.

Our next stop was…

“Here. For some reason, the prime rib left in front of a stuffed animal in this estate keeps disappearing.”

As I feared, it’s the old man’s house where Rose is.

Grimm approaches the gatekeeper and calls out.

“I’m Grimm, the administrator for the Undead Festival. I’m here to investigate reports of unexplained supernatural phenomena.”

“Oh, you’re here at last! Please come inside. The master keeps saying it’s just Patrasche eating the food, but of course, there’s no way a stuffed animal can eat…”

As we’re led inside, there on the sofa, a stuffed animal is lying around like a cat, happily indulging in head pats from the old man.

Seeing this, Grimm’s expression twitches. “…Rose?”

“?!”

The doll flinches, sensing that the jig is up.

Noticing the sharp reaction, the old man petting Rose looks over at us. “Ah, guests? Oh, you were here the other day…!”

“Wait, you’ve met before?! Commander, what’s going on?”

“It’s exactly what it looks like.”

My immediate reply tells Grimm everything she needs to know, and she frowns.

“That’s Rose, isn’t it? We’ve known each other too long for you to trick me! …Stop—you can’t fool me by walking on all fours and pretending to be a pet.”

She glares at Rose who begins to put on an elaborate act next to the old man.

“Just what do you think you’re doing? This is disrespectful to the dead! Stop messing around. We’re going home.”

As Grimm tries to make her way to Rose, the old man steps in front of her.

“What are you doing? Who said you could barge into my home and yell at Patrasche?”

“What do you mean, Patrasche? That’s Rose.”

“Don’t be ridiculous! How do you explain this strength if this isn’t Patrasche? All my servants who held on to doubt were thoroughly convinced after he tackled them. Whatever you might say, this is Patrasche. This is our Patrasche!”

Rose stands up, and I remember she was raised by her grandpa and has been thoroughly spoiled as of late.

She turns to Grimm—

“Eeep! Wh-what are you doing, Rose?! You know what’ll happen if you do this— Ow! Ow, ow! Okay, okay, Patrasche! You’re not Rose; you’re Patrasche! I won’t say anything else, so please let me go!”

After Patrasche tackles her and puts her into a choke hold, Grimm quickly taps out. It seems Patrasche will be staying here for the rest of the festival.

She really enjoys doing nothing but eating, lazing around, and getting spoiled by an old man.

As soon as she’s released, Grimm hides behind my back.

“You better watch out, Rose! Once the Undead Festival’s over, I’ll curse you so that you can’t eat anything for a whole day… I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Commander, let’s go to our next stop.” Grimm suddenly starts speaking faster, as though trying to avoid the doll that’s suddenly started rushing toward her.

After leaving the old man’s manor, we find ourselves at Tillis’s place.

“Late at night, there’s been creepy shadows making their way toward the castle…”

“Oh, those were our Combat Agents. Until a few days ago, sneaking into Tillis’s room without waking her was the big thing for our guys.”

Grimm casts a questioning gaze in my direction. “…Commander? So far, all the incidents have involved people we know. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about the other reports, would you?”

“The only other thing I can think of is that Snow was caught for being the ringleader of that rip-off hostess club… Hey, don’t sleep here; at least get in your wheelchair.”

Grimm collapses in a heap, falling from the wheelchair to the ground.

“Seriously…? I put in all this effort, running around trying to solve these problems, and they’re all caused by people I know…! About the only thing left is the shady stall selling mystery meat…”

I’m tempted to tell her that she’s already eaten a skewer from that shop, but I’m pretty sure she’d yell at me for not saying something sooner.

“Which is why I bought you that necklace. Given how happy you were at first, we’re even, right?”

“Of course not! If I’d known you’d done all this, I would’ve asked for something fancier!”

Just as Grimm starts yelling at me, the nearby dolls move to surround us.

“See?! They all agree with me! They’re here to protest your poor treatment!”

“This is the cutest protest I’ve ever seen. I won’t surrender to this. If anything…”

Just as I start to comment on the dolls around us, Grimm’s empty wheelchair gets swatted aside and makes a loud crash.

I look over to see what’s going on—

“Hey, Commander, who’s inside that one? I promise not to get mad if you’ll tell me.”

“I…I really don’t know this time! I don’t know anyone that fancy!”

Standing there is a cat-shaped stuffed animal holding a metal club.