CHAPTER 3

Vs. the Mud King

1

It’s been three days since we got a sample of the Sky King’s droppings.

“Congratulations, Lady Lilith! You finally accomplished something on this planet.”

“Hold on. This isn’t my first accomplishment. I mean, I killed that giant lizard in the forest, remember? I also found that mysterious subterranean facility.”

Once they were treated with Alice’s specially developed pesticide, the formerly defenseless vegetables stopped attracting flying monsters.

Since there’s a limited number of those mysterious concrete structures around the kingdom, farming open land will allow for a substantial increase in food production.

Once the supply of vegetables and grains goes up, they can start raising larger domesticated animals.

Which means there won’t be a need to cannibalize sentient creatures that can speak human languages.

Even though I’ve tried to avoid it myself, I still can’t get over watching others eat orc meat.

I’m not a fan of critiquing the customs of others, but this is one food culture I’d be happy to see end.

“You know, my work here’s been a lot duller than I imagined. I was hoping for something more like…dramatically improving the quality of life with the power of science or making the natives panic using a bit of superior technology…”

The Lilithification and Praise Project that was supposed to progress by way of tech transfers and getting the local ruling power in our pocket isn’t going as hoped.

And that’s partly due to…

“Not a whole lot we can do about it, Lady Lilith. Sure, this planet’s science is primitive, but they’ve got magic to make up for it.”

“That’s the problem! Magic, shmagic! They’re just spitting in the face of science at this point!”

It’s understandable that Lilith would fly into a rage much like Alice does.

Part of the reason behind this kingdom’s undeveloped technology is something called “magitech.”

One example of this is the water spirit stones, which are exported by our neighbor-turned-enemy, the kingdom of Toris.

Evidently, they’re used to pay water spirits in exchange for having them bring water from somewhere else.

…Yes, you heard that right. Water spirits.

“What the hell are these spirits anyway?! There’s a limit to this fantasy-world nonsense! When I tried to show off my lighter to a local, they laughed and said fire spirit stones are more useful. The heck is a fire spirit stone?!”

“Well, it’s not like magic is all-powerful. When I asked my subordinate Grimm to create some pretty women, she told me to bugger off.”

At that moment, Lilith scrunches her face into a grimace at the mention of Grimm’s name.

“Grimm… Grimm, right… That’s the shady woman you mentioned in your reports, right?”

“I mean, if you want to call her that, I guess she’s kind of shady, but I think she’d cry if she heard. I mean, you’re the one who wears a lab coat all year long.”

Just then.

<Evil Points Acquired>

“…Huh.”

“…Six, did you just get some Evil Points?”

Seeing my surprised reaction, Lilith inquires with a similar expression.

In fact, the points just keep coming, and the announcements become a steady rhythm in my head.

“Yeah, I did get a random notification, and the points are still pouring in, actually. Is this happening to you as well, Lady Lilith?”

“Yeah, I keep getting points… I wonder what’s going on. It’s creepy not knowing the cause…”

Even as we tilt our heads in puzzlement, the announcements don’t stop.

If we just leave things the way they are, my point deficit will be gone in no time.

“The weird thing is we’re both getting them. What did you do this time, Lady Lilith?”

“Wait, that’s my line. I don’t think I’ve done anything notable on this planet, so it might be something back in Japan. Maybe the fact that I’m here flirting with you got back to Astaroth, and her heartbreak is being counted as an act of villainy?”

I don’t think our super-tsundere leader is quite that cute…

“I wonder if there’s snooping equipment installed here or something. Do you wanna try flirting some more?”

“Nope, I’m going to have to decline… Hey, watch where you put those hands! If you’ve got sexual harassment on the brain, I’ve got ways of dealing with that.”

My grabby hands recoil from Lilith.

“Commander, we’ve got a problem! There’s a chance a Demon Lord operative found their way into the city!”

With those words, the aforementioned Grimm appears in the room.

Leaving behind her wheelchair, Grimm approaches us by walking barefoot on the park’s grass.

“…Hmm? What’s going on, Commander? I leave you alone for a bit, and you use that time to see another girl? You don’t look like you’d be that popular, yet somehow, you keep meeting new people!”

Displeasure plain on her face, Grimm glares at Lilith, who’s standing next to me.

I wave my hand at the little scientist.

“This is my boss, Lady Lilith. She’s one of Kisaragi’s Supreme Leaders!”

“Oh?!”

Hearing that, Grimm holds a hand to her mouth as though she’s figured something out, then straightens her posture…

“A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lady Lilith. I am Grimm Grimoire, Combat Agent Six’s fiancée. No doubt I have much to learn, but I appreciate your instruction and mentorship.”

Sitting down on the park lawn, Grimm bows formally to Lilith.

“…Six, a moment please.”

Lilith gestures for me to join her.

I approach as instructed…

“What’s this about her being your fiancée? Did you really get engaged to a native of this planet? What about all the flirting you were doing with Astaroth on Earth? What’s the meaning of this?”

“She’s not my fiancée. We just made a promise that if we’re both single in ten years, we’d marry each other. Besides, I never really flirted with Lady Astaroth…”

“That’s literally an engagement! And yes, you were flirting with Astaroth!”

Glancing over at Grimm, I see she’s watching our whispered conversation with a smile on her face, her hands folded over her stomach.

Lilith looks less than pleased as she approaches Grimm.

“Well, fine, I guess I’ll introduce myself at the very least… My name’s Lilith. I’m one of the Kisaragi Corporation’s Supreme Leaders. I’m the mother to all Combat Agents and mutants, Lilith the Black! I’ve known this man for a long time; we’re practically family. Seems you’ve done much for our Six.”

Lilith speaks with her hands stuffed in her pockets while glaring up at Grimm.

As for Grimm herself, she doesn’t seem particularly bothered by the fact that my boss is acting like some random gangster.

“Not at all, Mother! In fact, it is I who owes Sir Six!”

“Seriously, it’s such a chore to push you around in your wheelchair and carry you up and down various obstacles. Not to mention that you die every time I turn my head.”

Grimm puffs out her cheeks at my words, but I find that sort of affectation irritating from a woman her age.

In contrast to the cheerful Grimm, Lilith mutters to herself, face frozen in shock.

“…Huh? D-did you just…call me ‘Mother’?”

Ignoring her stunned mother-in-law, Grimm keeps puffing out her cheeks as she responds:

“I mean, even if you say that, it’s not like I can help it. I can’t wear shoes, after all. I mean, I feel plenty bad for making you do it. That’s why I pay for dinner all the time, since you’re always short on money anyway.”

“Those two things are separate, you know. I mean, I use the allowance Alice gives me to pay for things all the time. Also, stop inflating your cheeks like that. It’s not cute when a hag does it. It’s just annoying.”

I guess I crossed a line with the word hag. I end up having to defend myself as Grimm tries to strangle me. While this plays out, Lilith mutters to herself again.

“Hey… Did you really just call me ‘Mother’…?”

Leaving the flummoxed Lilith to one side, Grimm bares her fangs and snarls.

“Speaking of which, Commander, why do you even accept an allowance from Alice?! I’m the only woman you should depend on! When we’re married, I’ll spoil you rotten!”

Suddenly, it seems like marrying Grimm wouldn’t be the worst idea, but the sense of danger that I’ve honed over years working as a Combat Agent advises me otherwise.

“That’s honestly tempting, but didn’t you have a reason for being here?”

Remembering her original purpose, Grimm returns to her senses.

“That’s right, this is hardly the time to be calmly exchanging greetings! Seems there’s a Demon Lord operative inside the city, just like during the Undead Festival!”

Lilith and I exchange glances at the word operative.

“…Well, we can’t let that go unanswered! Terrorism and sabotage ops are our bread and butter. Just leave it to us!”

“Well, if I must, since you always buy me dinner… But you better pay for our drinks tonight.”

Having secured our assistance, Grimm smiles as though reassured.

2

And so, led by Grimm…

“Issue the evacuation order! Fire’s effective against the Mud King! Once the residents are safe, bring all the fire spirit stones you can find!”

“Oil! Spread some oil! The Mud King is intelligent. If it sees oil, it’ll steer clear to avoid the fire!”

…we arrive to a spectacle of utter pandemonium and freeze.

“Lady Lilith, I have a really bad feeling about this.”

“What a coincidence, Six. I was just thinking of turning around and going home.”

That black slime is now crawling out of the dry well where Lilith had left the drilling equipment running a few days ago.

“…Pretty sure this one’s on you, Lady Lilith.”

“Wait, Six, it’s too early to jump to conclusions. I think we should carefully investigate the facts before announcing any findings.”

Both Lilith and I had completely forgotten about the drilling equipment until now.

If it was up to me, I’d just feign ignorance and go watch the crawfish back at the base.

But…

“Lady Lilith, my Evil Points haven’t stopped since earlier.”

“Oh really. Then it seems this counts as your crime, too. Good work, Six. This is quite the act of villainy!”

……

“Oh no you don’t. You’re not pinning this all on me, you bowl-cut lab rat! You’re getting Evil Points, too! What do we do about this?! We’re gonna end up owing Tillis again!”

“Oh yeah? Are you saying this is my fault?! Fine, it’s my fault! I’m a Supreme Leader of an evil organization! I spread destruction and chaos without even thinking about it! I’m sooooo sorry that I’m such a charismatic, shining example of villainy!”

“You’re choosing to lash out at me now?! I called you here for reinforcements, and all you’ve done is add to our headaches! You utterly useless boss! Quit plugging your ears and try denying it! I DARE YOU!”

As I rack my brains for a way to deal with this blame-shifting geek, Grimm looks over at us with her head tilted quizzically.

“Hey, what are you two arguing about? As you can see, that’s the Mud King. We’re going to calm it down, so could you help us out?”

Based on the fact that Grimm’s using this “Mud King” term we’ve been hearing since earlier, it seems she knows about the slime.

“What’s the Mud King? Is it related to that black stuff?”

“Oh, right, I keep forgetting you’re not from around here, Commander. That black slime, the Mud King, is a giant monster sealed underneath the Grace Kingdom. It’s why this country’s always short on water.”

…Wait, what?

“Hey, um, does everyone in the kingdom know about this?”

“Well, not everyone. Ordinary citizens don’t. I mean, knowing this thing is sealed under their feet isn’t exactly going to help them go about their daily lives.”

Still, if that thing’s there, why didn’t Snow warn us…?

And it didn’t seem like she knew what this black slime was…

“Still, aside from blabbermouths, idiots, or people who might sell the information for money, almost everyone who serves the kingdom knows about it. Keep that in mind, okay, Commander?”

“Ohhh, I get it now.”

Which means a certain idiot who is also extremely easy to bribe wasn’t let in on the secret.

…Just then.

“Combat Agent Six, this is our time to shine. I’ve already ordered the quick-drying cement. Let’s shove that troublesome slime back underground. We can worry about finding the culprit once that’s done.”

“Roger, Lady Lilith. No doubt this is all the fault of the Demon Lord’s Army’s Heine of the Flames! Now that I think about it, she also infiltrated the city in a stuffed-animal suit during the Undead Festival!”

“I see! While I’ve never met that woman, if you say it’s her fault, then that must be the case. Damned Demon Lord’s Army! They’ll pay for this…!”

At our enthusiastic denunciation of the evil Demon Lord’s Army, Grimm eyes us with a puzzled look on her face.

<Evil Points Acquired>

One hour later.

“What the heck is up with this planet?! I heard it was primitive and had no modern weaponry, but that’s not true at all…! I, a Supreme Leader, damn near got the ero-game treatment from an overgrown amoeba!”

Lilith fumes after burying the Mud King—and the incriminating drill—under the quick-drying cement.

As it turns out, her mechanical tentacles aren’t suited to fending off gelatinous creatures like slimes, and after being thoroughly drenched in its gloopy residue, she slumps over in exhaustion.

“The reports didn’t lie. It’s just that there’s some ridiculous things from time to time, but the base level is still really weak. I mean, we Combat Agents can handle most monsters with ease.”

With various parts of her outfit thoroughly soaked through with black slime, Lilith rages as Grimm gently wipes the little tyrant’s face with a handkerchief.

“I feel like I’m getting hit with every ridiculous thing out there. The giant lizard in the woods, the Sky King, and now this Mud King. I can’t help but think you’re using me to deal with all these overpowered problem characters.”

Seems she’s got enough smarts to notice that pattern.

“Please cheer up, Mother. Your help was invaluable.”

“You just called me ‘Mother’ again! I won’t overlook it this time! Why do you keep calling me that?! I’m Six’s boss, not his actual mom! You can’t just claim me as your mother-in-law!”

The motherly figure—who’s younger than I am—finally lets the complaints fly.

“But, Mother!”

“Stop saying ‘Mother’!”

Because of her small stature, Lilith, who’s getting her face wiped with a towel, looks more like the daughter than the mother.

“What the heck is wrong with your subordinates, Six?! The Chimera girl ends up being a boy; the devout paladin, who should be ripe for corruption, ends up being morally bankrupt from the jump; and then there’s this man-stealer who uses a wheelchair despite the fact that she can walk! I know Kisaragi has no shortage of colorful characters among our ranks, but this kingdom’s people are just as awful…”

To be fair, the Chimera dude isn’t even my subordinate.

“Please hold a moment, Lady Superior. There’s a reason for my wheelchair! It’s because I suffered the backlash from a curse when I fought my greatest rival…”

Grimm’s use of the word curse catches Lilith’s attention.

“Curse, huh…? I saw it in the reports, but Alice claims it’s just a form of hypnosis.”

“Please don’t listen to that reality-denying brat! I mean, just the other day, while I was chatting with a spectral acquaintance of mine, Alice brought this weird device over and tried to suck up the ghost.”

The “odd device” in question was a vacuum cleaner.

Oh yes. Inspired by an old movie, Alice started carrying a vacuum cleaner on her back and claiming she was going hoax-busting.

…Grimm seems to notice Lilith’s skeptical gaze and hurriedly offers a defense.

“Wait, I’ve seen that look before! It’s the same as that brat’s! The look of a skeptic! …Fine. Since we’ve managed to stave off the Demon Lord’s Army’s evil scheme to release the Mud King…I’ll show you, Commander, and Lady Superior, what I do in my spare time!” says Grimm, a confident smile on her lips.

3

That night.

Following Grimm, Lilith and I walk through a back alley on the edge of the city.

“Hey, Grimm. Isn’t this where the weird guys and loose ladies live? I think I’m getting a pretty good idea of how you usually pass the time…”

“Commander! Why, I never! No, it’s nothing like that. I mean, you’re right that this is more or less a slum of sorts. But we’re heading for the noble district. It’s quickest to cut through here.”

Each time we pass the scantily clad ladies on the roadside, they wink and blow kisses in my direction, but Grimm tightens her grip on my arm in a show of possessiveness.

“…This is a place riddled with dive bars, where women of the night peddle their services. This is also where many people who’ve lost their homes turn. It is the dark underbelly of this kingdom, in a manner of speaking…”

Grimm says all this with a certain darkness creeping into her expression. She then quietly lays a gold coin next to a slumbering homeless man’s head.

When her presence wakes him, Grimm offers up a gentle smile.

The homeless man picks up the coin, then looks from Grimm to me and then back to Grimm…

“Oh, good to see you again, bud. You givin’ me some spending money?”

“Hey, old man. This is one of my subordinates, but it looks like she wants to give you an allowance. Go ahead and take it.”

Witnessing the exchange between the homeless man and me, Grimm and Lilith direct a slack-jawed stare at us.

“Anyway, I gotta go. Take care of yourself, old man. It’s getting cold out here at night. If you’re gonna sleep, you oughta do it at home.”

“Eh, I used up my old lady’s savings, so I been stuck out here for a bit. I heard you’ve been sleeping in the park, bud. Don’t catch a cold, eh?”

As the “homeless” man speaks with a smile, he grasps the coin Grimm gave him and wanders off.

“…So, Commander… You and that homeless fellow know each other?”

“He’s just a random old dude I bump into around here from time to time. Sometimes, we share a drink. He’s got a bit of a gambling problem, and his wife kicks him out of the house every few days when he spends too much money.”

Before I finish, Grimm speeds up in her wheelchair.

“You there! If you have a home and a wife, give me back my money, you wretched bum! Don’t go napping in an alley if you’re not actually homeless!”

As he notices Grimm’s approach, the man quickly scrambles over a wall and disappears. Watching all this, Lilith sighs in my general direction.

“Six, I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot, but you really should choose your subordinates and friends better.”

That’s not really all that convincing coming from a Supreme Leader of an evil organization.

After watching the not-so-homeless man depart, we continue walking until Grimm brings us to…

“Is this really a noble’s estate? It says sale pending…”

…a fancy-looking building just past the slums that certainly seems like it belongs to rich people.

Lilith reads off the letters on the sign, but I can’t tell what it says.

Alice’s translation only works for sound.

She told me to learn to read the country’s writing on my own.

Considering that I still struggle to read and write English, I think asking me to learn the language of a completely different world is expecting a bit much.

That’s the sort of task best left to my brainy partner.

“This estate once belonged to the man who served as the army’s chief of staff. Remember when the Demon Lord’s Army attacked the city? The chief of staff at the time suddenly announced his resignation and vanished one day. For a man who had earned that title to resign without warning…that’s suspicious, right? A little bit after that, rumors started going around that his estate that had gone up for sale was haunted…”

Lilith nods along with interest at Grimm’s explanation.

“I see. So you’ve come here to perform an exorcism? I love paranormal documentaries. It’s so much fun to send a finely doctored photo to the program, then watch a bunch of shady weirdos lose their heads over it…”

Man, this chick is something else…

Though, in a way, this sort of petty villainy is something to be admired.

“Huh? Lady Lilith, Six, and Grimm? Can’t say I saw this coming. What the hell are you all doing here?”

“Alice?! That’s my line! Why do you always show up wherever I am?!”

Standing in front of us is the android who hates the supernatural and paranormal more than anything in creation.

I have no idea what she’s planning to do at this time of night, but she’s got a giant vacuum cleaner strapped to her back.

Alice turns to Grimm, who’s gotten up out of her wheelchair.

“Ah, so we meet again, Scammer-1.”

“Who the hell are you calling ‘Scammer-1’?! I’m only going to ask one more time. Why are you here, Alice? Are you going to interrupt my work again?!”

She just said “again,” didn’t she? Is this common for Alice?

“You’re the one who’s interrupting my work. This estate’s value is finally going down, thanks to my efforts. I’ll take care of the ghostbusting myself, so you’re welcome to go on home.”

Grimm’s expression is frozen in a look of irritation as Alice casually dismisses her before lowering the vacuum cleaner to the ground.

I have no idea what’s going on here, but I’m glad my partner seems to be enjoying herself.

“Looks like you’ve had quite a bit fun while I wasn’t around.”

“Yeah, well, Scammer-1 here keeps disrupting my side gig of property flipping. The value of the chief of staff’s house here is finally dropping after all the rumors I spread, making it ripe for purchase. As it happens, the famous Ghost Hunter Alice is here to take care of those very rumors.”

“W-wait, what did you just say?! I thought you mentioned rumormongering…”

…Oh, I see.

I finally understand why Alice has been handing out candy to the kids around this neighborhood.

“Given your time with Kisaragi, I’m guessing you’ve figured out what I’m up to, right, Six?”

“Stop talking in riddles! Tell me what’s going on!”

Lilith explains for Alice as Grimm continues to look confused.

“So to clarify, Alice trained some kids to go around saying they’ve seen shadows or blood-spattered men roaming houses that are for sale. Once the bad rumors have spread enough to lower the price…”

No one’s going to believe it when a single child says they’ve seen a ghost.

But if multiple children start saying they’ve seen ghosts, well, it goes from a childish prank to a rumor…

Hearing that, Grimm cries out:

“You’re running a scam!”

That’s right. This is all just a page out of the Kisaragi handbook.

“Alice, don’t you feel guilty putting children up to this?! And what an awful thing to do to the buyers you’re targeting!”

Hearing Grimm’s criticism, Alice responds with a wag of her finger.

“I’m only buying up properties from problematic sellers. Most of them are petty crooks like the chief of staff. Also, as for using children, as you can see, I’m an innocent child myself!”

“There’s no way there are kids this conniving!”

Which is when I realize something else.

“Oh. If you’re the source of the rumors, then you know there’s no ghosts to bust, and you can pretend you have a perfect ghost-hunting record. So that’s how you spun the story to gain renown as a ghost hunter.”

“That about covers it. Oh, and while we’re at it, I’m not telling the brats to lie. Lying children usually get caught anyway. Which is why I set up a projector ahead of time and use holograms to scare the kids I round up using candy as bait.”

Lilith and I surround Alice and begin boisterously praising her.

“Clever! As expected of my partner! So very clever!”

“Well done, Alice! As expected of my creation!”

““Hail Alice! Hail Alice! Hail Alice!!””

“Could you stop with that ‘Hail Alice’ crap? It doesn’t sound like a compliment.”

Lilith and I pat the hell out of Alice’s head.

“Seriously, knock it off! Oh, it’s true… There’s no undead presence here! Sigh, then why did I come out all this way…?”

Seeing Grimm fall to her knees, gazing up at the estate, Lilith feels a pang of guilt and turns to her.

“Alice, I’m a science absolutist as well, but couldn’t you be a little more, I don’t know, subtle about this? She’s a subordinate of Kisaragi, right?”

“No offense, Lady Lilith, but this is a matter of my very existence. Fantasy crap like gods, demons, and spirits are all going to be busted by my hand.”

As one created with the cutting edge in modern technology, Alice just can’t accept the paranormal.

…All right.

“Lady Lilith, since I can’t use Evil Points, could you get me a vacuum cleaner like the one Alice has?”

“What…? Are you planning to get involved in this idiocy, too? …Fine. As your superior, I need to be involved as well. I’ll order two vacuum cleaners—one for me and one for you, Six.”

“Thank you, Lady Lilith! I knew I could count on you.”

…As Lilith and I are equipping ourselves with the vacuum cleaners sent by HQ, Grimm comes to me in tears, pleading as she grabs me by the waist.

“Commander, I thought you were on my side! Please stop! Adults shouldn’t be doing something this ridiculous!”

How rude. Lilith and I both love this sort of charade, so we’re actually pretty excited.

Grimm seems to notice that Lilith and I are more than happy to take part.

“…Fine. In that case, I’ve got an idea of my own…”

Standing barefoot on the ground, Grimm glances up at the sky—

“Fortunately for me, today’s a full moon. The perfect phase…just like when I accidentally summoned that demon…”

Grimm continues staring at the heavens, smiling as though confident of victory.

“The full moon has a special meaning for beings beyond the ken of humanity. I’m sick of being treated like some scam artist! I’m going to show this little brat what I’m capable of! I’ll use my powers to summon a demon so impressively terrifying, you’ll piss yourself on the spot!”

Declaring all that in a single breath, Grimm retrieves from her bosom a piece of paper with a magic circle drawn on it and spreads it out on the ground.

“Grimm, calm down! You never actually succeed when you say things like that!”

“I haven’t known you long, but I know that making a grand declaration of that sort is practically jinxing yourself!”

Grimm snarls at Lilith and me as we express our concern for her.

“Silence! If that brat’s existence centers around denying the supernatural, then mine is dedicated to beseeching the gods!”

Grimm gazes up at the full moon, folding her hands together as though in supplication and prayer.

“Yes, this is all that I have! This is all that is left to me! What else do I have…? Above-average looks and a deceptively curvy figure. And then there’s all the money I have saved up for marriage, my homemaking abilities, and my deep, deep love and devotion reserved solely for that special someone!!”

Grimm, who seems to have much more to offer than her prayers, gazes up at the pale-gold moon, yelling out in anguish.

Unlike the words leaving her lips, her eyes turn as clear and innocent as a child’s as she looks fervently to the sky—

“My name is Grimm Grimoire! At this point, I don’t care if they’re not particularly handsome. I don’t care if they don’t have any money. All I want is someone who will love me and only me! I want to get married! If you can grant me this wish, I won’t even care if it’s a demon or a dark god! If you will listen to my earnest desire, then hear my call and be summoned to these lands!”

Despite the fact that, unlike last time, there’s no sacrificial offerings or anything, the magic circle glows with a piercing, white light.

It shines even brighter than when she summoned a demon, as if sympathizing with the plight of a woman facing eternal spinsterhood.

“S-Six! Alice! What the heck is going on?! The reports claimed she’s a scam artist, but this doesn’t look like cheap special effects or holograms to me…!”

There’s a hint of panic in Lilith’s voice, and she deploys her tentacles from beneath her lab coat. The magic circle glows so brightly that the neighboring houses begin stirring.

As the light fades, in response to the tragic plea of the spinster, what appears is—

4

“Commander, what should I do…? My all-too-pure wish has summoned an angel, of all things…”

Given that she’s describing her own wish as pure, it doesn’t seem like she feels that guilty about it.

“Well, I mean, you managed to show Alice and Lady Lilith your power, and it’s a lot better than summoning a demon or a ghost, isn’t it? I mean, she’s pretty easy on the eyes, so what’s the problem?”

Responding to Grimm’s summons, an angel with snow-white hair and wings appears before us.

She gives off such a divine aura that the very act of looking upon her makes me want to confess and repent for my past sins.

Garbed in pure-white clothing, the angel has a shimmering halo of light floating above her head, and she scatters motes of light with every flap of her wings.

The angel, still unsure what to make of the situation, slowly surveys her surroundings.

Lilith, frozen in shock over the unprecedented development, stares wide-eyed at the angel.

“I don’t know if it’s good or bad, actually. You know I’m a follower of Zenarith, right? The other faiths treat her as though she’s a dark god. I mean, I don’t feel guilty about it, but I’m not sure an angel wouldn’t judge me over it…”

“No, I’m pretty sure you’re screwed. I mean, your faith’s all about undeath and disaster, right? You summon ghosts and demons, so you’re definitely in the enemy of angels camp. The whole nocturnal thing means you’re on the side of darkness, duh.”

Hearing this, Grimm cowers behind me.

Surprisingly, Lilith, who always pokes fun at this sort of supernatural stuff, also appears unsettled.

“What’s wrong, Lady Lilith? You’re the sort who’d pick your nose and shrug if God himself came down and started lecturing you, right?”

“What the hell, Six?! No, I wouldn’t pick my nose. I mean, you can feel it, can’t you? Aren’t your instincts telling you that thing isn’t something humanity should be insulting…?”

The angel looks like a winged woman with almost frighteningly beautiful features.

She strikes me as a calm, cool beauty, but she’s not doing much. She’s just floating in place.

“…I mean, you’ve been shivering, too.”

At the frightened Lilith’s words, I finally notice my trembling legs.

Oh, so this is what fearful reverence feels like.

I doubt any living creature could do anything other than kneel in supplication at the angel’s feet.

As proof, Grimm, who is ordinarily a bit pale, is now white as a sheet, and she wears the expression of someone facing certain doom.

What do I do? Maybe if I try worshipping her, I’ll receive a blessing or something.

“What a thing to summon! Sheesh!”

“How was I supposed to know an angel would pop out of the summoning circle?! It just means my wishes were that pure!”

Despite the fact that she’s probably in the most danger from a religious point of view, Grimm still seems to have a shred of composure.

“Anyway, Six, since we don’t know if it can speak or not, let’s try to get it to leave while doing our absolute best not to offend it.”

Grimm and I nod at Lilith’s suggestion.

Just then, I’m reminded there’s someone here who is completely unaffected by this sort of supernatural event.

“Hey, why the hell are you wearing a fluorescent lamp on your head?”

Please don’t, Alice!

“…Ω? ǽǽ, œœ… Er, uhhh… Ah, this planet’s language is this one.”

“Sh-she speaks,” says Lilith, shocked to find that the angel can fluently speak the local language.

“Well, I mean, she’s got a human-ish head, so I’m sure she can at least talk, Lady Lilith.”

“Alice, can you be a little bit more respectful? Do you know who you’re addressing?”

Alice doesn’t spare the least bit of concern toward the angel, even as the heavenly figure spreads motes of light with her every move.

“It’s one of those cosplay creatures, right? The kind that spawns by the dozens at comic conventions in the summer and winter.”

“Cosplayers aren’t wildflowers that pop up after the rain, Alice! More importantly, treat that person with respect,” Lilith barks while taking cover behind me.

“What the hell are you so afraid of anyway? Considering your designs for the Kisaragi combat armor and the racy outfits the Supreme Leaders wear, you’re pretty much the same as them.”

“Look, just listen to me. Alice, come over here. Please. I’m begging you.”

As Lilith pleads with Alice, her metal tentacles emerge from under her lab coat.

…But Alice casually sidesteps and approaches the angel as though driven by curiosity.

“…Hmm. Seems a bit different from the hologram Grimm made the other day.”

My partner, completely unfazed by anything and everything, cups one of the angel’s boobs.

Apparently, she wanted to see if the angel was tangible, but satisfied with the sensation, she continues to grope away.

As Lilith and Grimm look about ready to faint, I’m treated to the strange sight of a blonde girl fondling a white-haired angel.

I mean, sure, I did something like that to Snow, but my partner’s a little too fearless.

The angel, despite being groped, seems unperturbed by Alice’s actions and opens her mouth to speak with an unflappable calm.

“…Child of man.”

“I’m not a child of man; I’m a child of machines. How much were you paid to be here? Given your looks and acting ability, you’d make more working for me.”

Okay, my partner’s gutsiness is going way too far.

“Since you’re the one who made that android, I’ll leave matters to you if a fight breaks out.”

“I did create her, but it’s your fault she ended up that way. If a fight does break out, I’m running.”

As we’re busy trying to transfer responsibility in hushed tones, Alice continues groping the angel.

“You seem to misunderstand, child of man. I have come to this doomed world, drawn by a fervent longing…”

“I keep telling you I’m not a child of man, you stupid cosplayer. I’m not interested in role-playing with you. Instead, why don’t you tell me how you ended up here?”

What should I do? As her partner, do I have a responsibility to stop Alice?

…The stalwart angel seems to find herself at a loss at Alice’s continued handsiness.

“…Child of man, supplicate thyself before me and listen well to my words…o-ow…! For goodness’ sake, let go of me!”

“Who’s the one who needs to listen? I keep telling you, I’m a child of machines! You want me to rip these tits off?”

Having her breasts relentlessly manhandled, the sedate, collected angel finally raises her voice.

Swatting Alice’s hand aside, she rises from the ground.

“I am the Seraph of Mercy and Bonds, El—”

“Why’s the lamp on your head floating? You using some rare earth magnet? Also, you keep leaving behind a bunch of shimmering dander every time you flap your wings. You should take responsibility and clean that up.”

Alice, could you please shut up already?

…As Elwhatever is interrupted in the middle of her introduction, she retains her cool demeanor but begins quivering with rage.

“I had only come to this doomed world on a whim. However…if you insist on committing this act of blasphemy upon a servant of the gods, you shall suffer the consequences… Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…let thy soul return to the gods… S-stop it!”

Just as Elwhatever points her finger and begins to say something, Alice wields her vacuum, using the wand to catch one of the angel’s wings in the suction.

“Could you knock it off already? Quit making me play along with your and Grimm’s idiotic role-playing.”

“Stop…! S-stop it! Please stop using that on my wings! It takes over five hours to get them just so!”

With her previous intimidating aura having vanished into thin air, Elwhatever tearfully tries to avoid Alice’s vacuum.

“Hey, Grimm, you summoned that angel. Take responsibility already and do something.”

“N-no way! Do you understand what that thing just tried to do to Alice? ‘Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…let thy soul return to the gods’… It was using an instant-death attack. I have no idea how Alice survived, but I’m NOT getting in the middle of that.”

Wait, instant-death attack? That sounds really dangerous.

But I have a fair idea as to why it didn’t work on Alice.

It’s because she’s an android.

“Stop it! Fine, I’ll leave! Leave my feathers alone! Please!”

“I’m cleaning your dandruff-covered wings. Least you could do is thank me.”

“This is just my divine aura overflowing as particles; it’s not dandruff! These are actually blessed items!”

After having various parts of her poked at with a vacuum cleaner, Elwhatever’s wings are a mess, with feathers arrayed every which way.

“I come in response to a fervent wish, and this is what I get?! …You there, the one who summoned me!”

“E-eeep! Y-yesh?!”

With her feathers in disarray, Elwhatever remains floating in the air, pointing an accusatory finger at Grimm.

“Follower of Zenarith, I see that you went through the trouble of summoning me, the Seraph of Mercy and Bonds, only to subject me to this ridicule! If you so desire to be alone, then alone you shall be!”

Elwhatever’s eyes shimmer brightly, bringing forth a mysterious aura overflowing with divine fury.

“What? W-wait, no, wait, wait! I don’t want that! All I did was summon you! I didn’t do anything…!”

As Grimm desperately tries to plead her case…

“Prophet of Zenarith, Grimm Grimoire! Your name will be cursed! From this day forward, you shall only meet men with serious flaws! Enjoy!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Hearing the details of Elwhatever’s curse, Grimm screams from the depths of her soul.

5

“S-sob…s-sniff…sob…”

After watching Elwhatever curse Grimm and depart for the heavens…

“Could you stop crying already? I mean, c’mon. You already have a tendency to get stuck with weird men. From now on, at least you’ll know that everyone you meet has some kind of problem. That’s useful, right?”

We’ve started on our way back to the hideout as Grimm continues sulking in her wheelchair.

“How is that useful?! …Sure, I knew all the men I met had issues… I knew that! But why can’t I have a little hope?! All I wanted was to believe that maybe, just maybe, I’d meet one who might turn out to be a wonderful man with no overwhelming flaws. Was it so wrong to want that?! And now…! Now I won’t be able to hold out any hope for the men I meet from now on!”

Well, sure, but that’s not my fault.

“Now I won’t even be able to think Yeah, I know this guy’s got some weird fetish or other potential red flags, but perhaps there’s a chance… There isn’t even a smidgen of possibility for that anymore. No matter how handsome they may be, I’ll have to worry they might actually be a woman, or however kind they may be, I’ll have to worry they’re only after me for my money… I won’t be able to enjoy so much as a simple give-and-take relationship!”

Grimm’s so defeated, she can’t even be bothered to move her own wheelchair.

And so, I dutifully wheel around my whiny subordinate.

“I mean, it’s sort of your own fault for getting fed up with Alice and summoning all these weirdos. First a demon, then an angel. Aren’t you supposed to be the archbishop of the dark god who handles the undead?”

“Don’t call Lord Zenarith a dark god!”

After spending some time moaning in her wheelchair, Grimm seems to come to a realization.

“…That’s right. There’s still one path left for me! Lord Zenarith! Maybe my revered Lord Zenarith is actually super handsome, and no longer being able to take my despair…”

“I’m not one hundred percent on this, but I think your god might actually be a goddess.”

“Why are you killing my last glimmer of hope?! Are you that upset by the prospect of me meeting someone, Commander?! Then why don’t you take me yourself?!”

I mean, didn’t you mention that you were getting chewed out by some woman claiming to be Zenarith when you were dead? Wasn’t she yelling at you to stop dying for such stupid reasons?

While I wheel along the despairing Grimm, Lilith is lecturing Alice behind me.

“Listen to me, Alice. You’re an android, so I know you don’t have it, but people have this thing called instinct. And that was a presence that people simply cannot challenge. It’s brave to stand up to the powerful, but that was on a completely different level.”

“Right. Whatever you say, Lady Lilith. Now, I want to do research on the feathers and dandruff I gathered from that cosplayer, so can I go on ahead?”

“No, you may not! Also, stop calling that material ‘dandruff.’”

I’m a bit worried that my partner’s just gathering really dangerous stuff.

Hell, are we sure feathers from an angel are something that should even exist on this planet…?

“Commander, are you listening? Do you even understand why I’m so upset? It’s because you haven’t shown the slightest intention of giving me a necklace…”

“Listen, I actually did get one for you. But the Sky King took it from me during Lady Lilith’s mission.”

I didn’t mean anything by those words, but Grimm stops squirming in despair.

“…Really? No doubt you’re just getting my hopes up so you can disappointment me again, Commander. I’ve figured it out, you know. You say the things I want to hear, then blame the Sky King. I know already. I won’t be fooled that easily.”

Even as she says this, she steals little glances at me. What a pain.

…Huh.

Speaking of pains…

“Hey, Alice, can you give me some of the materials you gathered from the angel?”

“Are you kidding me? Why should I, given how freaked out you were by that cosplay girl? If you want them, you should start addressing me with some respect.”

“I’m not sure how many times I have to repeat myself, but I am your creator.”

While Alice and Lilith have their routine back-and-forth, I can’t shake the feeling that we’ve been missing someone ever since the Sky King operation…

“Hey, Commander? Could it be that you’re actually happy I won’t ever meet any decent men from now on? Are you feeling a little relieved by the fact that there won’t be anyone coming after me…? Honestly, I’m happy to know how you feel about me…but we’re still not formally engaged, you know, so getting hung up on me is…”

I ignore Grimm the rest of the way back to the hideout.

As my three companions continue fussing, I quicken my pace. Would it kill them to keep the noise down? At this rate, they’re gonna wake up the entire neighborhood.

“I mean, what sort of lousy excuse for a Supreme Leader are you, cowering from a cosplayer?”

“Is that any way to speak to your creator?! Alice, I’m running some tests on you when we get back to base!”

I’ve gotta say, these are some of the most peaceful days I’ve had since becoming a Combat Agent.