Chapter 7: Drills’s Teen Angst

Chapter 7:
Drills’s Teen Angst

 

AFTER MINA, NOELA, AND I got back from our company retreat, Zeral and Paula got back on their usual pattern of swinging by the drugstore to chat most days. Kururu and Ririka also dropped in often.

Today, though, Elaine was the one who popped up, butler in tow. “Good day, Sir Reiji.”

“Good day to you,” I said. “Noela’s napping right now, if you need her.”

Noela typically slept for two hours after lunch—on my bed, no less.

Elaine giggled. “No, no. I’m here to see you today.”

“Huh? Me?” Does she need my help with something?

I motioned for Elaine to take a seat. She elegantly did so.

“What’s up?” I asked. “I doubt you want to work at the drugstore or make medicine again.”

My teasing tone made Elaine pout. “I’m here to talk to you about my father.”

“Lord Valgas?”

“Correct. Recently, any time I go near him, I smell something awful.”

“Is he taking baths?”

“He is, I believe. It’s different from that sort of smell, though.” Elaine struggled to find the right words.

This sounds like that stereotypical situation where a girl’s like, “Gosh, Dad, don’t do my laundry with yours, you’ll stink it up!”

“P-pardon me.” Elaine approached with a shy expression. She turned to me and sat herself on my knees.

Whoa—she’s close. And she’s still wearing perfume.

“Wh-when I was little, Father would hold me like this. But now, when I get near him, I smell something absolutely unpleasant.”

She brought her nose near me and sniffed. “You have a rather delightful scent, Sir Reiji. I suppose men don’t smell exactly the same. Oh—I’m so sorry. How brazen of me.”

“No worries, it’s fine.”

I patted Elaine’s head and heard what sounded like smoke erupting from her ears.

“M-my word, Sir Reiji! I’m not a child, you know.” Despite her annoyance, Elaine didn’t move from my knees. Her fingers twirled her proud, drill-like curls.

When teenage girls began to hate the way their fathers smelled, it was just a natural response. It was understandable that Elaine would ask me to erase Lord Valgas’s odor, but making him scentless wouldn’t be an easy task.

I told her I needed to think about it, sending her home.

 

***

 

The usual butler swung by the next day. “My lord has called for you, Sir Reiji. Could you accompany me to the Valgas estate?”

I wasn’t exactly busy, so I hopped into the carriage, and we headed off. I hadn’t been to Lord Valgas’s garish, expensive manor since Lady Flam summoned me, but little had changed about it.

The butler led me to a reception room where a single gentleman waited. “So, you’re the alchemist from the pharmacy, hm? I am Casty Fen Dran Valgas.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Reiji, the owner of Kirio Drugs.” It had become too annoying to correct the “alchemist” description.

Shaking my hand, Lord Valgas motioned for me to sit on the sofa across from him. “The treatment you made for my wife was very effective. She was thrilled to be the talk of the banquet.”

I laughed. “I’m happy to hear that.”

“My daughter Elaine also had quite the time working at your drugstore. I’m very grateful.”

“Please, it was nothing.”

Then, however, Lord Valgas brought his face close to mine. “They may think highly of you, but don’t presume that I feel the same. I’m a man who only believes what he sees with his own two eyes.”

Well, obviously.

He lowered his voice to a near whisper. “Elaine has grown into a fine young lady. In that sense, I understand why the male masses would fall to her charms. But if you want my daughter, you must first defeat me, Sir Alchemist!” He glared daggers.

Whoa! Seriously?! I never said I wanted Elaine! But if I point that out, I’ll probably offend him. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I stammered, “Ah…um…did you summon me today for a reason?”

“Hmph! Elaine has been cold to me lately. You’re to blame for that, are you not?!”

“How did you come to that conclusion?!”

“You’re using my beloved daughter to defeat your archenemy psychologically. You’re quite the conniving beast!” He shot me another glare.

I raised my hands in surrender. “I haven’t done anything, for real!”

“Any time I’m close to her, she whispers, ‘Gross!’ She also tells the maids to do her laundry completely separately. Are you telling me she does those things of her own accord?”

“Um…yes, unfortunately.” It’s not your fault, Dad.

“But we’ve always been close!”

“I honestly think she’s just that age. It’s not you.”

Lord Valgas folded his arms, nodding. “Is that why she looks at me as if I’m repugnant?”

“That really depends how intense the look is, but I’d say so.”

“Perhaps it didn’t help that I balked at some of the…undergarments I saw drying.”

“That’d do it.”

“After that, Elaine began talking about the alchemist at the pharmacy. Maybe that’s where this all started.”

“Don’t blame me. Face reality, bud.”

Elaine calling him gross had to sting, especially given how much Lord Valgas appeared to love her. In his eyes, she’d changed after I appeared on the scene. Or maybe that was just how he wanted to see things.

“Girls Elaine’s age hate acknowledging or even thinking about their fathers in certain ways.”

“B-but I have to be straightforward about how much Elaine has grown.”

“Please don’t. You’ll disgust her even more.”

“It’s too early for her to wear undergarments like that!”

“Didn’t I just tell you to stop talking about this?”

“Wh-who does she plan to show them to? They’re tremendously suggestive!”

“You damn pervert! No wonder she hates you.” I paused. “Uh, wait. Don’t tell me you said all this to Elaine directly?”

“Obviously. Those garments were lewd,” Lord Valgas said disdainfully. “I told her the truth, like any nobleman would.”

Of course Elaine’s mad. “You’re the lewd one!”

“Really?” Lord Valgas perched on the couch, hugging his knees.

He’s actually sad.

Wham! The door swung open, and Elaine stormed in.

“I heard Sir Reiji was here and came as quickly as I could!” she cried. “What I wear is none of your business, Father! I told you to forget what you saw, yet you’re telling Sir Reiji about it? I hate how disgusting you’re being!”

Apparently, Elaine had heard our conversation from outside. Lord Valgas shrank further into himself.

“Hmph!” Elaine grabbed my arm and pulled me off the sofa. “Sir Reiji, come chat with me, not that pervert who claims he’s my father!” She dragged me away.

“Hey, hold up, Elaine!”

“No, I will not hold up.”

Her father stared at us with the pure despair of someone who’d witnessed the apocalypse. Elaine and I left the room, and she led me the length of the mansion.

Lord Valgas must’ve been desperate to see me as the bad guy here, I mused. When Elaine dropped by the drugstore yesterday, she didn’t say her dad had made comments about her underwear. I get why she wouldn’t, but that’s definitely the real problem.

I sighed. “Did you really have to be that blunt? Your dad’s probably crying right now.”

Elaine pouted. “Yes, but…”

“I know Lord Valgas messed up big time, but you don’t really hate him, do you?”

“Of course not.”

“Let’s go apologize later, okay? I’ll come with you.”

“All right…”

When we got to her room, Elaine lacked her usual energy. She seemed to recognize that she’d said something extra cruel.

I think it’s time to patch things up between them. “Leave this to me, Elaine. I’ll create a treatment that’ll keep your old man from ever grossing you out again.”

I dashed out of the manor. I’d already concocted a deodorizer fluid, but it would’ve been rude to tell Lord Valgas to use that; it was basically for toilets. I needed to solve the real problem here. Something was causing Lord Valgas’s B.O. more directly. If I create a product for that…

I holed up in the lab and did my thing.

 

Men’s Body Wash: Suppresses the scent of sweat. Sterilizes bacteria.

 

“All right. This should work.” I’d secretly included an Elaine-focused superweapon in the body wash. She’ll never call him gross again!

Carrying the bottle, I raced back to the mansion. Now everyone will live happily ever after.

I got through the gate no problem—actually, the guard bowed his head and greeted me—and headed to the reception room.

Lord Valgas was still hugging his knees on the sofa. “Elaine…”

His daughter’s words had really stunned him. I actually felt sort of bad. Then I remembered that he’d made a huge fuss about his daughter’s panties. Never mind.

I put the body wash on the low table in front of him. “Lord Valgas, if you use the soap in here, Elaine will never find you stinky again!”

“What is this?”

“It’s called body wash. It’ll erase the odor Elaine hates.”

“Hah!” he scoffed. “You really think she’ll love me again just because I wash with this? Laughable!”

“That’s not what I said.” I opened the bottle and fanned my hand over its neck. “Smells great, right?”

“Hrm. It’s quite nice.”

“Then why not give it a try? This body wash could help you make up with Elaine.”

“You should know that I hate being deceived, Alchemist Reiji.”

Hunh, really? Well, I’m not lying. “Then what should we do? At this rate, Elaine’s going to hate you forever. Are you okay with that?”

“Ngh…”

As I’d guessed, the bit that really stung Lord Valgas was being scorned by the daughter he adored. She doesn’t actually hate him at all—they’re just failing to communicate.

“Unfortunately, Lord Valgas, the gap between you and Elaine will widen if you leave it alone.”

“Widen?”

“You eventually won’t speak at all.”

“At all?” He quivered in despair.

Am I being too mean? Dude is on the verge of tears. “But you can still fix this before it’s too late. Use this liquid to wash yourself, Lord Valgas. This is your last chance to make amends with Elaine!”

“I’ll do it! I’ll wash myself!” He began to bawl. It was kind of hard watching an old man cry like that. He wiped his tears and clapped, summoning two maids. “I will bathe now. Prepare the water.”

The maids bowed their heads and exited the room, returning with towels. “Preparations are complete, Lord Valgas.”

He stood and turned around. “Would you care to join me, Alchemist Reiji?”

“I’m fine, thanks,” I said immediately. I had the feeling nobody would benefit from that.

Before Lord Valgas left, I told him where he should concentrate on washing. After about an hour, I heard him return to the reception room. Long bath, huh? I hoped that meant he’d really focused on what he was doing.

“Alchemist Reiji…!”

I raised my head at the sound of his voice and saw Lord Valgas sitting across from me in a bathrobe, squeaky clean. Gleam!

Wait a second, I thought. Was he always this dashing?

I rubbed my eyes, but he still looked charming. Gleam!

He tilted his head and looked at me, then crossed his legs and narrowed his eyes. Gleam!

Something’s wrong. He’s like a totally different person.

“Well, lad? What do you think? I’ve been…reborn!”

His tone was completely different, too. Who the heck is this dude?!

“Perhaps now…my dear Elaine…won’t hate me anymore.” He shot me a bright look.

The pauses between his words were really damn annoying. He’s acting like the melodramatic love interest from a cheesy romance.

“Um, she probably won’t,” I replied. “Actually, I’m not sure.”

“Your body wash…was perfect.” He pulled a single rose from his bag and kissed it.

“You’re carrying flowers?!”

What’s with this incredibly bad gut feeling? If Lord Valgas was just behaving like more of an urbane gentleman, that’d be fine. And acting like some heartthrob would’ve been all right in his teens or even early twenties; you could have written it off as immaturity. But this dude was over forty!

Elaine might hate him even more, if anything.

Lord Valgas clapped again, summoning a maid. “Could you…call Elaine for me?”

The maid nodded and vanished, and Lord Valgas stood up. I really hope the body wash’s effects will wear off soon…and that he’ll stop striking “cool” poses every time he looks at me.

“I don’t remember reading anything like this in the body wash description,” I mumbled.

Someone knocked on the door. “Father, it’s me.”

“Come in.”

“All right.”

Elaine looked nervous. I doubted that the two had seen each other since their fight.

“Elaine…” Lord Valgas almost waltzed toward his daughter.

Couldn’t you just walk like a normal person?

Suddenly, he embraced her. Woosh!

“Huh?!” Elaine panicked, beating at his chest.

She’s really hating this.

“Elaine…it’s me!”

“Eeeeek! Who is this man?!”

I approached and pulled Lord Valgas away.

He tumbled onto his butt. “Ow! What’s the meaning of this, Alchemist?”

Ugh…now she’s crying. She probably thinks some stranger just randomly hugged her. “Are you okay, Elaine?”

“Sir Reiji!” She embraced me tightly. I patted her head to calm her down.

“Th-this isn’t what you promised, Alchemist Reiji!”

“The body wash didn’t give you the right to suddenly act like a freak! Why’d you grab her like that?!”

“Step away from my daughter!” Lord Valgas insisted.

Elaine turned toward the unfortunate lord. “That voice… Father?”

“Indeed, my dear Elaine…it is I!”

He was starting to sound like a Disney prince or something. You know what? Perfect. I’ll use this over-the-top situation to my advantage.

“Heh heh heh…your daughter is mine, Valgas!” I laughed with the most evil expression I could muster.

“You bastard! Don’t tell me you gave me that body wash…as part of your plan?!”

“Ha ha ha! You may have seen through me, but it’s too late! How long I’ve waited! If I wed this girl, I’ll finally be a nobleman!”

“Wed me?! W-wait!” Elaine turned to her father. “Are you saying I’m going to marry S-Sir Reiji?!”

“Indeed!” I continued. “By joining the Valgas line, I shall rule this town!”

“I’m so happy!”

Ugh. That’s the opposite of what I hoped for! You’re supposed to be angry that an evil jerk is taking over your family! Stop hugging me! I struggled to fend Elaine off.

“Argh! What’re you doing, Sir Reiji?!”

“I’ll never let you get away with this, Alchemist Reiji! I sentence you to death…for playing with my daughter’s emotions!” Lord Valgas exclaimed.

“I’ll never let you harm a single hair on Sir Reiji’s body!” Elaine snarled.

Don’t take my side! Come on! If Elaine acted like this, my plan would implode.

“I’ve already made my decision,” she told her father. “If you won’t recognize our relationship, we’ll just have to elope!”

I covered her mouth. “You’re complicating things. Be quiet for a sec, okay?” We were wheel-spinning at this point. “What will you do, Valgas? Your daughter hates you! She says you stink, you’re gross, you’re a lecherous maggot!”

“Er…I’m sure she hasn’t gone that far.”

“You are!” Elaine exclaimed.

I cleared my throat. “I’m giving you a good deal by taking her off your hands. Wouldn’t you be happier without her around?”

“I’ve never once thought that!” Now he sounded like himself again. “I’ve loved her since the day she was born. She’s my little girl! It’s not as though her words don’t pierce my heart, but what of it?! I believe her hatred is temporary!”

“Father…”

“No matter what Elaine does, I will forever be on her side.” Lord Valgas smiled sadly. “I love you, my daughter.”

Suddenly, Elaine stepped away from me. “Father! I’m so, so sorry for saying all those awful things to you!”

Elaine cried in Lord Valgas’s arms, apologizing over and over. He rubbed her back, smiling kindly. All right, my work here is done.

“Huh? Father, that scent…”

“Ah! That’s the body wash Alchemist Reiji gave me. Does it smell odd?”

“Not at all! It’s the same as my perfume.”

I quietly left the reception room, exiting the mansion.

 

***

 

Two days later, a letter from Lord Valgas arrived at Kirio Drugs. It contained words of gratitude and a postscript stating that he’d never give me his daughter. Valgas also wrote that he’d send someone to the drugstore for more body wash, since a single bottle wouldn’t last long.

“Sir Reiji! I’m here to buy some body wash!”

The drills cometh.

When I responded, I wrote that everything about marrying Elaine had been an act and that I had no intention of taking his daughter from him.

Eventually, the men’s body wash became a bestselling product endorsed by Lord Valgas himself.