Chapter 18: Livening Up the Town

Chapter 18:
Livening Up the Town

 

NOELA POPPED INTO the house to tell me that a customer had arrived, and I entered the drugstore only to find Paula. As usual, the bespectacled tool-shop owner was here to kill time talking to me about whatever crossed her mind.

“I wanna liven things up, Rei Rei,” Paula told me. “You get it, right?”

“No, actually. What’re you even talking about?”

“Gear polishing’s just so boring!”

“Too bad. That’s your job.”

“Boo!” Paula exclaimed. “Serious guys like you are never popular with the ladies.”

“Wait, really?” I blurted. “Er…anyway, what do you want me to do about boring shop chores?”

“Catch some fairies who’ll polish for me while I sleep.”

“Do cleaning fairies even exist?”

“Dunno.”

As usual, a townsperson had asked the impossible. “I don’t run a fairy-catching service, got it? Hire adventurers for that.”

“If you catch some for me, I’ll kiss you.” Paula propped herself on the counter, resting her cheeks in her hands and staring at me teasingly.

Before I could say anything, Mina came in with tea at the worst possible time.

“Mr. Reiji?”

She’s smiling, but her eyes…man, her eyes…! “Y-yes?”

“I firmly believe that you aren’t some disgusting pervert.”

I felt like Mina had stabbed me with one of the tool shop’s swords.

“Oh, Mina can come help me polish!” Paula exclaimed. “It’s boring all alone at the tool shop!”

“I have work and chores here.” Mina smiled again and vanished into the back.

Yikes. I heaved a sigh of relief. “Look. Kirio Drugs isn’t some department store. We make and sell medicine.”

“Aw, come on!” Paula rested her forehead on the counter. “You’d be shocked at how careful you have to be polishing armor. If you screw up, it scratches or even cracks!”

Paula said that she used oil to polish and clean armor. To buff out scratches, she used something abrasive, and she used adhesives to repair things. In other words, she had different products for different tasks. Come to think of it, Paula uses lots of stuff from Kirio Drugs.

“And, as time passes, iron armor stiffens and gets rusty,” Paula added.

After all, iron armor wasn’t made from a single plate. Gauntlets and cuirasses consisted of multiple pieces so that the wearer could move easily.

Fine, okay. I see how rusty armor is an issue. I rose to my feet. “Since you’re a regular, I’ll do you a favor and help.”

“Ooh! Could you catch a fairy so cute that you just wanna pester it constantly?!”

“I’m not catching any fairies, Paula. I’m making a product that’ll fix your armor.”

Paula cackled, elbowing me. “Rei Rei, you whine and whine, but at the end of the day, you’re always there for me!”

“I’ll be right back.”

I left Noela in charge of entertaining Paula and headed to the lab to get to work. I could tell that someone was watching me from behind, though. It turned out that it was Mina.

“What’s up?” I asked her.

“I think you should charge Paula for this product,” Mina said. “After all, you’re a pharmacist, and she’s your customer.”

“Huh? Yeah, of course.” What’s she talking about?

I looked back at the ingredients in front of me and resumed my work. This should do the trick. A slippery-looking fluid appeared within my bottle.

 

Liquid Grease: Moist, slimy lubricating oil.

 

“Perfect,” I said. “This should fix the armor’s stiffness.”

“What’d you make this time, Mr. Reiji?” Mina asked.

“Want to feel it?”

“Er, I suppose.” Mina extended her palm curiously. I dripped some clear grease onto it.

Mina rubbed it with her fingers, narrowing her eyes. “This is…”

“A type of lubricant. Now, Paula will—”

“Mr. Reiji! Wh-what sort of product have you made?! What’re you doing with this?!” Mina cried, flushing.

Er…Paula’s going to use it on armor.

“You make potions, not l-lotions, Mr. Reiji!” Mina growled. “Understand?”

Oh. Now I see what’s going on. “You’re a perv for assuming that that’s what this grease is for.”

“Wrong!”

Our pointless argument went back and forth. Suddenly, the armor grease vanished, and neither of us could figure out how. Where did it go?

“Whoa! Awesome! It’s all slimy!”

“Noela, too! Noela, too!”

I could hear the pair in the drugstore. Noela must’ve nabbed the grease while Mina and I weren’t watching it and then passed it off to Paula.

Sure enough, once I headed to the storefront, I spotted them playing with the lubricant. “Hey, go outside if you’re gonna goof off.”

“This is perfect!” exclaimed Paula.

“Oh, cool! Glad to hear it.” When a special-order customer said something like that, how could I not be genuinely happy?

“But…hmm…one bottle on its own isn’t quite enough. Could you make ten more right away?”

“This stuff is for polishing equipment. I highly doubt you’ll run out so quickly.”

Paula shrugged, shaking her head. “See? You’re always way too serious, Rei Rei. I’d never order ten bottles of grease just for work.”

“Use this for work, damn it!”

Paula nodded smugly. “Gotta strike while the iron’s hot!” She turned her back to me.

“What’s that supposed to mean? What’re you even gonna use ten bottles for?” Explanation, please.

Paula glanced over her shoulder. “What, you ask? This time tomorrow, Kalta’s gonna be bopping!”

“What?”

“Bring ten bottles to the plaza tomorrow morning, ’kay? Bye!” Just like that, she ran off with the bottle of grease in hand.

I’m so confused. How’s she going to use lotion…er, grease…to make Kalta “bop”?

 

***

 

The next morning, Mina and Noela were missing, and the drugstore was oddly quiet; not even Annabelle stopped by for her usual potions.

Ejil’s supposed to work today, and he’s nowhere to be found. Don’t tell me he’s playing hooky.

I wrapped up the chores in the drugstore and then made my way to the lab. Grabbing the ten bottles of grease Paula had asked for, I headed to the plaza.

As I drew closer, the area got crowded—actually, it was bustling. There were festival stalls lined up and all kinds of townsfolk hanging around. Everyone looked like they were having a blast.

I was naturally puzzled. What’s going on?

Paula waved at me. “You’re late, Rei Rei!”

“Late for what? Nobody told me what’s happening.”

In the center of the plaza was something I’d never seen before—a five-by-five-meter iron slab with posts at each corner. It resembled a boxing ring.

“That’s for today’s main event!” Paula exclaimed. “I spent all night building it.”

“Hunh.” I still have no clue what’s going on.

Paula took the bottles of grease I’d brought and poured them over the iron slab. Slipping on the oil, she shrieked like a cat. “Mrrrooooooow!”

Well, that stuff is slippery as heck. With an iron plate underneath it, there’ll be zero friction.

As I watched her, onlookers crowded around the ring. Eventually, the crowd made way for Doz, a Red Cat Brigade member. He wore formal attire.

“Prove yourselves using your physical fitness!” Doz bellowed. The area quieted. “Here and now, I declare the beginning of the first-ever Kalta Grease-Wrestling Tournament!”

Grease wrestling? The puzzle pieces fell into place. I looked at Paula’s iron slab again. “H-hold up.”

They’re going to compete on an oiled iron plate? Won’t this just be slimy sumo wrestling?!

“I, Doz—Red Cat Brigade Vice Captain—shall be your MC and ringside commentator! Enjoy yourselves, everyone!”

Paula, apparently the head judge, took over to explain the tournament’s basic rules to the audience. There would be one three-minute round, and whoever fell out of the ring lost.

“But why add oil to wrestling…?” I muttered to myself.

Paula gave me a thumbs-up, smirking. “What better way to liven Kalta up than a wacky festival?”

“Couldn’t you have picked something slightly less bizarre?!”

Ririka came out to serve as ring girl; she was dressed in a two-piece bikini.

“Wh-why do I have to do this?” she groaned.

The men in the audience cheered fiercely.

“You’re adorable, Ririka!”

“The gosh-dang cutest!”

“Go out with me!”

“I love you! Marry me! Pleeease?!”

“St-stop staring at me!” Ririka yelped, reddening. She fled as soon as Doz popped up again.

“Our tournament’s first match shall now commence!” Doz roared. “In the blue corner, the edgy lone wolf, Ejiiiiil!”

The demon king appeared from within the crowd. His cape fluttered dramatically in the wind, and he hid his face with his right hand.

He poses like that all the time, I thought, irritated. I’d wondered where Ejil was earlier, too. What was he doing skipping work?

“Hee hee!” Ejil cackled. “This is the perfect chance to show you lowly humans just how terrifying I can be. Watch carefully as I wield my magic against my pathetic opponent!”

He’s not really being “edgy,” Doz. He actually believes everything he’s saying, I mused. Though I suppose you could describe a demon king as embodying edginess.

“In the red corner, the cute, innocent werewolf girl, Noooooela!” Doz bellowed.

Noela appeared across from Ejil, wagging her tail confidently. She walked toward him, giving him a thumbs-down. “Pervert. End you, everybody sees!”

Good luck, Noela. If you manage that, you’ll be humanity’s savior.

“Heh heh heh! If you lose, my dear Noela, you’re honor-bound to let me pet your soft tail all night. I won’t give you any time to rest!”

“Only Master can pet. Pervert must die.”

Ejil and Noela exchanged fierce glares as they stepped into the ring.

“On this battlefield,” Doz cried, “Noela won’t be able to use her crazy streng—”

Swip!

The ring’s lack of friction caused Ejil to slip and fall backward, leading to an immediate loss.

“Wha—?! Pointless,” Ejil muttered.

Meanwhile, Noela entered with a proud expression.

Swip!

“Groo?!”

Swip! Swoop! Swiiiiip!

Stumbling, Noela slid over to a post and managed to grab it. Shoulders heaving, she gasped, looking at the unbelievably greasy ring with pure despair.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen her make a face like that. Oh…she’s looking at me.

“Master! Master! Slippery.”

I bet. She lost her footing over and over; she honestly looked like a newborn fawn.

“Bwa ha ha ha ha!” Ejil cackled, returning to the ring and stepping in. “Heh heh heh! My dear Noela, do you really think you can defeat me like that?!”

Swoop!

“Gyaah!”

Ejil slipped and smacked the back of his head; he seemingly couldn’t move.

From outside the ring, Doz glanced at his face. “Whoa! Ejil…is unconscious!”

The demon king’s kind of weak, huh?

After several attempts to push Ejil out of the ring with her shaking legs, Noela used her tail. It struck the demon king with a soft sound. Swoof…! Ejil slid out of the ring like a frozen tuna from a fish market.

“Your winner, Noooooela!” Doz cried.

Noela pumped her fist proudly, and the crowd went wild. Struggling a bit, she managed to crawl out of the ring. “Won, Master! Pervert destroyed.”

I patted her head gently. “Yeah, you did good.” But if that was just the first match, there’s gonna be a second match, right?

Ririka appeared again, this time clad in a bunny-girl outfit. The acting ring girl held a sign with the tournament sponsors’ names, fidgeting nervously.

“H-hey, um, is there a point to dressing like this…?” She looked over at Paula, who nodded fiercely. “R-really? Jeez.”

Once again, the men in the crowd loved her.

“Ririka, you’re literally the best!”

“I adore you, Ririka!”

“Ririka’s the cutest!”

There was even a dude who talked like an old-fashioned samurai. “She’s certainly a striking maiden!”

“Please stop staring at me.” When Doz finally appeared, bunny-suited Ririka covered her face with both hands and hurried away.

Doz drove the show forward. “Now, time for our second match! In the blue corner, the welcoming-but-clumsy princess of the local pharmacy, Miiiiina!”

Et tu, Mina?!

The crowd parted as she appeared. “P-princess?!” she laughed. “Um, I’ll do my best!”

What are my employees thinking?! Does Mina even understand what she’s about to do? She’s wearing a skirt! This is an accident waiting to happen!

I could already picture her hem flipping up, showing off her underwear to everyone as she shrieked in embarrassment.

“G-good luck, Mina!”

“We’re rootin’ for ya!”

“You’re as cute as ever!”

The old guys were excited about her, as usual.

“In the red corner, the mercenaries’ iron-willed captain, Annabellllle!”

Annabelle appeared with fierce Red Cat Brigade members in tow. She’d clearly entered combat mode; her expression was even more somber than usual.

“I refuse to lose to her!” She glowered at Mina.

“That’s my line!” Mina returned Annabelle’s intense glare. “Stop trying to seduce Mr. Reiji just because you’re pretty. If you keep at it, you’ll drive him nuts!”

“S-saying I’m p-pretty doesn’t flatter me!” Annabelle looked away, fiddling with her red hair. “Though I suppose bein’ pretty is better than bein’ a show-off homemaker!”

“Grr…!”

I could almost see fireworks exploding between the women as they tried to step into the ring. Annabelle extended one leg slowly toward the oily iron plate. “It’s too dangerous to just jump in. I gotta be nice…and…careful.”

“Hurry, Boss! The first person who gets in the ring has the advantage!” a mercenary cried.

“I-I know that, dummy! But it’d be bad if I slipped! I ain’t pushin’ myself, got it?”

Annabelle moved slowly. Then one of her Red Cat Brigade underlings shoved her from behind. “Eek!”

Swip! Smack! She landed on her butt in the ring.

“Who did that?!” Annabelle cried. “Why the hell did you push me?! Didn’t you hear me?!”

“Huh…? Yeah! That’s exactly why I pushed you, Captain!”

I chuckled. He paid attention.

Meanwhile, Mina glared at Annabelle. “You really don’t get it, do you? You can’t avoid slipping during this fight.” As the crowd roared, she entered the ring with a calm expression.

Uh, Mina? Are you going to be okay wearing a skirt?

“Gracious! It’s so slippery. Th-this is dangerous. Eek!”

Mina fell face-first into the ring; her skirt flipped upward, revealing the garment below to everyone in the audience. The gentlemen’s eyes widened.

See? I knew this was going to happen. I couldn’t help covering my face.

Then the crowd stirred; I heard them yelling. They shook their heads—particularly the gentlemen.

“This is unbelievable!” Doz shouted. “Mina—she’s wearing shorts!”

Mina held her chin high; she still hadn’t pulled down her skirt. “This way, falling isn’t embarrassing!”

The gentlemen in the audience weren’t sure how to handle Mina’s shorts at first. Eventually, though, they nodded to each other.

“Th-those are pretty cute in their own right!” one exclaimed.

That’s their verdict?

“I’m not scared of anything!” Mina glared at Annabelle.

I was almost moved to tears. Who would’ve thought a pair of shorts could make someone so brave…? Still, at the end of the day, all they’re doing is slimy sumo wrestling.

“Come at me, freeloader!”

“This is the end of the line, stalker!”

The fierce match of pushing and pulling began.

“Haaaaah!” Annabelle roared.

She charged forward with incredible speed; Mina dodged by slipping and then steadied herself. Annabelle fell, leaving herself wide open, and Mina rushed at her, both arms outstretched.

“You’re finished!”

“Not this time!”

Annabelle ducked Mina’s attack at the last second, and the two slid away from each other. The pair’s eyes widened as they measured the distance between themselves, and they moved simultaneously.

“This is it!”

“This’s how you lose!”

The audience held their breath as the rivals’ frenzied struggle continued.

Still, all they’re doing is slimy sumo wrestling.

Clang! Clang! Clang! Paula rang the bell.

Doz slid between the competitors. “Judge Paula says this match is a tie! Give these two women a warm round of applause, everyone!”

“Bravo! Bravo!” the crowd cried excitedly.

Mina and Annabelle exchanged a firm handshake, acknowledging each other’s fighting spirit.

What the hell?

Ririka came out for the third time, now dressed as a maid. There must be more matches.

“I’m really not necessary to this tournament, am I?” She frowned. “Like, at all.”

Sighing, she continued to do her job as ring girl, holding up the event’s sponsor sign.

“You look amazing as a maid, Ririka!”

“Elf maids are adorable! I love you, Ririka!”

“Lift your skirt slightly, would you? This is terribly lewd.”

You’re the lewd one, samurai.

“Stop looking, you perverts!” Ririka snapped.

For some reason, a few gentlemen cheered.

As Ririka tossed her sign at the crowd and left, Doz popped up again. “Now then, ladies and gentlemen, time for the main event—our third match! In the blue corner, the expert sniper who never lets prey escape, Kururuuuuu!”

The women in the crowd screeched as the audience parted for the elven marksman, who wore what looked like a red Speedo.

Hunh. Maybe those weren’t fangirls’ screams. Maybe they were terrified shrieks at the sudden appearance of an exhibitionist. I chuckled, wondering who Kururu was up against.

“In the red corner, the brilliant, kindhearted alchemist who appeared in Kalta like a shooting star, Reijiiiii!”

Me?! No way! This is bad! Kururu and I locked eyes. He winked, beckoning to me. Hell no! I don’t want to wrestle him!

I tried to leave the plaza quietly, only to have tough-looking Red Cat Brigade members grab me by both arms.

“The ring’s that way, Medicine God!”

“No! You can’t make me!” But I couldn’t prevent them from carrying me like some sort of luggage.

Hey! Where’s Noela?! My reliable werewolf girl always goes on about how she’ll protect me, no matter what!

There she is! Spotting her at a nearby food stall, I waved as hard as I could. “Noela!”

“No lose, Master!” Noela’s tail wagged; her hands were full of yakisoba, takoyaki, ikayaki, and candy apples. She was clearly focused on eating something—her mouth was covered in sauce.

Well, aren’t you enjoying yourself?!

“No! Stop, please! Let me down!” I yelped. “Why’s he wearing a Speedo?! It’s gonna slip! Is that what you want?! There are laws against public nudity! Somebody call the cops!”

Struggle as I might, the mercenaries dragged me up to the ring. Looking for a way out, I saw various Red Cat Brigade members stationed around the plaza.

Damn it! Am I stuck in this crappy tournament?! Is this compulsory? I wanted to cry.

Kururu’s toned, muscular body glistened. He looked at me placidly.

One match lasts three minutes, so if I hold out… A chill raced down my spine. No, wait! There’s no starting whistle or anything. If I go right on the offense when I enter the ring, I won’t even need three minutes!

“Five seconds should be more than enough to take care of this creep!” I gasped.

The crowd erupted at my determination.

“I’ll head in first,” I volunteered, grinning.

“Ooh! Wait for me,” replied Kururu.

I’m going to make you regret that relaxed attitude.

“Good luck, Mr. Reiji!”

“Fight, Master!”

“You can do it, Doctor!”

The drugstore employees cheered me on. I shot them a confident smile. I can win this. I made the grease on the ring, after all. I know exactly how it works!

I just had to keep my balance as I slid. Yeah—it’ll be like skating! If I focus on that, beating Kururu should be a cinch!

I stepped confidently into the ring…

Swip!

“Kyaah!”

And fell spectacularly on my ass.

Damn it! It’s so slippery! How can I possibly balance when I’m a terrible athlete?! There was nothing but despair in the greased ring. Ugh. This iron “mat” is super hard. My butt hurts. My back hurts. I just want to go home.

“Pardon me!” The crowd cheered as Kururu spoke.

What’s happening? Twisting around, I saw that the elf in the red Speedo had his feet firmly planted in the ring. Impossible! There’s no friction underfoot, yet he’s standing perfectly still?!

Kururu’s expression looked like it had come out of some dramatic painting. Raising his cleft chin, he waved one hand at me as if saying, “C’mon, bro.”

Where’d that chin cleft even come from?! It wasn’t there a minute ago! And that Speedo… Do his bathing suit and chin cleft have built-in stabilizers or something?!

“If you’re not going to move, I’ll take the initiative. I’m going to enjoy these three minutes greatly!” Kururu dashed toward me.

The grease seriously isn’t slowing him down?! That chin cleft somehow lets him ignore the laws of physics!

There was no escaping Kururu in this five-by-five-meter ring. All I could do was make peace.

“Mina, Noela, I leave the drugstore in your hands.”

Noela shook her head tearfully. “Master, no die!”

She tried to come toward the ring, but Mina hugged her from behind, wiping her tears with a handkerchief. “Mr. Reiji’s accepted defeat, Noela. Let’s honor that and watch over him in his final moments.”

Still, at the end of the day, all I was doing was slimy sumo wrestling.

Kururu closed in on me. I let out the cry of a proud Japanese man. “Come get a taste of my Yamato spirit!”

“Ha ha ha! It’s been ages, dear Reiji!” Kururu gestured excitedly. “What do you want to do?!”

He’s having fun, damn it! I can tell he’s gone mad—I can’t let him touch me. Time to run like crazy!

I wondered where my Yamato spirit had gone. Then, as I bolted, I noticed that the ring posts weren’t connected by ropes. I came up with an idea—Operation Quick Switch.

Kururu chased me joyously around the ring. I drew him as close as I could and then slid between his legs.

“Wha—?!”

Once past Kururu, I turned and locked on to his exposed back. Somehow standing on my feet, I launched a dropkick.

“Eyaaaaah!” Kururu let out a bizarre shriek as he slid from the ring.

“Your winner, Reijiiiii!” Doz hollered.

I…I managed to win.

“See you in the ring next year, Reiji honey.” Dropping that death sentence with a pearly-white smile, Kururu left the plaza.

Thanks to our oily deathmatch—hardly “grease wrestling,” at this point—Kalta’s surprise tournament ended with a bang.

Later, Paula dropped in at the drugstore to tell me that she wanted to hold even bigger events. “Your match was awesome, Rei Rei! Hilarious, even! I thought the tournament was a blast!”

“Well, good for you. I’m never doing that again.”

“Next year, I’m setting up multiple rings with even more liquid grease, and—”

“That’s not what that stuff’s for!”

Paula booed at me as I chased her out and got back to my chill routine.

Only use drugstore products for their intended purpose.