Chapter 3: Cleaning is War

Chapter 3:
Cleaning is War

 

MINA AND NOELA had gone shopping this morning. After seeing them off, Ejil and I relaxed, watching the store. It was super cold, and our breath was white as snow, even inside the drugstore.

“During winter, I usually have my minions clean the castle top to bottom,” the demon king told me.

“Seriously?”

“Of course. How could we conquer anyone without a clean, organized castle?”

“I’m honestly not sure I’d want the demon king’s castle squeaky clean.” I would’ve preferred chambers full of dusty floors, mold, spiderwebs, and so on. Keeping it clean weakened his “evil” image.

“Anyway, my underlings are terrible at housework,” Ejil continued. “It’s extremely irritating.”

“Then why don’t you do it? I’m sure you’ve got cleaning magic. Stop blaming them for everything.”

“A-all right.” Ejil took a notebook out of his bag and jotted, “Stop blaming underlings for everything. Set a good example as the boss by doing things yourself.”

Hunh, I mused. My resident demon king’s taking this very seriously.

As Ejil closed the notebook, I noticed the title on the cover: Dr. Reiji Quotes.

“Stop transcribing those!” I exclaimed. “It’s embarrassing!”

“Why?! I’ve made a point of recording anything you say that touches my heart,” Ejil retorted. “They’re precious teachings you passed down to your student!”

“I never signed off on that, and I’m not your teacher! Precious teachings? Who am I, Confucius?”

I tried to snatch the notebook, but Ejil was the demon king. Needless to say, he dodged my attacks effortlessly. Three minutes later, I was exhausted; I gave up.

“About that cleaning magic you mentioned,” Ejil said. “I don’t possess anything like that. Do humans have that kind of ability?”

“Don’t ask me. I’m a pharmacist, not a mage.”

“Could you make some?”

“Pardon?”

“Some cleaning magic?”

“Like hell! What’ve you seen going on during your time at the drugstore?!” I’d only formulated medication and related drugstore products—never once had I created “magic.”

“What do you mean?” Ejil gawked at me as though I were crazy. “I’ve seen you make the impossible possible!”

“You make me sound like some snake oil salesman,” I objected. “The type running a crazy religious cult.” Still, I guess I understand why he sees me that way. I do make medicine that helps people with problems.

“Ah! I see what you’re getting at.” Ejil sighed. “Up until now, you’ve prescribed me countless treatments, yet I’ve never properly thanked you.”

“No, that’s not the issue. I’m not refusing to create magic because you haven’t acted appreciative or anything.” I literally can’t make magic.

“If you create magic that cleans the castle nice and fast, I’ll be sure to prepare a proper reward for you this time,” Ejil promised. “I’ll use teleportation magic to deliver a selection of my army’s sexiest succubi.”

I guess he really put some thought into making me happy. “Please don’t.”

“That wouldn’t be to your liking?”

“Look, that’s not the issue. I don’t need a reward.”

“Doctor…” Ejil shot me a passionate gaze.

“Seriously, it’s impossible for me to make cleaning magic,” I began. “Wait… My medicine-making skill’s reacting. I uh, guess I might be able to help.”

“Doctor!” Ejil leapt toward me.

I grabbed his face to keep him at a distance. “I’m going to go whip something up. You watch the store.”

“Yes, Doctor!”

I locked myself away in my lab, mixing the drugstore’s men’s body wash with our dish soap and strengthening their cleansing ingredients. My medicine-making skill wasn’t telling me that I could make magic—I was still creating some kind of drugstore product.

 

Extra-Strength Ultra Cleaning Gel: Universal detergent. Wipes any surface sparkling clean.

 

Immediately, I put some gel on a rag to test my new creation. The lab had gotten kind of grimy, so I lightly wiped the floor.

Sparkle! The spot ended up remarkably clean—almost shiny.

“Wh-whoa! This is crazy!”

I ended up tidying the lab and wiping down the whole floor. The cleaning gel immediately revealed the true, natural color of every spot the rag passed over. What the hell?! This is a blast!

“Doctor, what’s wrong?” Ejil popped in to check on me. He’d apparently heard my surprised cry.

“Look at this!”

“Holy—the lab looks brand-new!”

Right?!

“It was all cluttered and dirty!” Ejil continued. “I’d given up on scrubbing the spills everywhere! But now…”

The demon king really did love cleanliness. “Hey, how about we make the drugstore and house sparkle before Mina and Noela get home?”

“Heh heh! Sounds good. Let’s do this.”

“First, the living room!”

“Woo-hoo!”

Rags and cleaning gel in hand, Ejil and I waged war on the room.

“I’ll handle the walls!” I exclaimed.

“Leave the floor to me!”

“Everyone knows you clean from top to bottom, dummy! Aren’t you a king?! Follow tradition!”

“Yes, Doctor! ‘Kings must follow tradition.’ Got it!”

“Stop taking notes! Clean the windows.”

“Roger that!”

“Loosen your shoulders, Ejil! Didn’t I tell you to scrub with your left hand?! Treat your rag gently!”

“Apologies, sir!”

“Don’t you want to see Noela’s thrilled face?”

“Yes, Doctor! Wait—I get it now! If I tell her my feelings just as she sees the squeaky-clean living room, she’ll surely respond in kind!”

“No way.”

“Aw…all right.”

“Anyhow, repeat after me—my rag is my brother-in-arms!”

“My rag is my brother-in-arms!”

The two of us got a bit carried away; we conquered the living room with ample energy left over. That momentum carried us through cleaning the dining room, the kitchen, my bedroom, the bathrooms, and even the storefront.

All right! The last stop is Mina and Noela’s room! It wasn’t like they’d ever forbidden me to enter. Still, I found myself weirdly nervous as we began cleaning.

Ejil seemed to be in the same boat. Tidying almost robotically, he pointed at a dresser. “Doctor, should I wipe that down?”

“I wouldn’t if I were you, Ejil. Do you want Mina and Noela to kill you too?”

I’d once approached that dresser by accident, and the girls raked me over the coals for it. It hadn’t taken me long to realize what was in the drawers.

“Th-that dresser’s even dangerous to you, Doctor? In that case, I should really…” Ejil whispered gravely to himself.

After he and I finished cleaning, I heard Mina and Noela’s voices in the drugstore.

“Huh? Oh, gosh! The store’s so clean!”

“Sparkling!”

They must’ve gotten back from shopping. I headed into the store; as I’d planned, the women were looking around, stunned. “It’s not just the store. You should check out the rest of the house.”

Mina let out a gasp. “Why didn’t you say something, Mr. Reiji? I know you’re busy with work. I would’ve gladly cleaned!”

“It’s totally fine. I wanted to surprise you both.”

She whacked me gently. “Gosh, you’re wonderful. I’ll make your favorite for dinner tonight!”

Noela, meanwhile, inspected every last corner. Impressed, she raised her voice. “Master work hard. Amazing!” Leaping onto me, she patted my head gently.

“By the way, where’s Ejil?” Mina asked. “I don’t see him anywhere.”

“Oh, he’s probably still in your room. He was cleaning too.”

“H-huh? In our room?”

“Don’t worry, we just cleaned—nothing else.”

The three of us went to see how Ejil was faring.

“Yo, Ejil!” I called. “You done cleaning?”

There was no response.

Is he not in there? I opened the bedroom door, revealing the sparkling-clean walls and floor. Ejil, however, had collapsed in a pool of his own nose blood in front of the girls’ dresser. He was clutching a pair of Mina’s underwear. Mina and Noela stared at the demon king as though he were a pile of stinky trash.

I’d figured that they kept their underwear in those drawers; I’d cautioned Ejil that even I got in trouble for approaching that sacred black box. Unfortunately, he’d lost to the double whammy of curiosity and lecherousness. He must’ve passed out before accomplishing his main goal, I mused.

As I expected, the two girls nailed the unconscious Ejil with harsh kicks that hurled him through the window. I’m pretty sure I heard something crack. Oh, well.

“I figured that’d happen,” I muttered, heading outside to bring the victim a potion. Ejil lay on the side of the road like an abandoned rag; I lifted him in my arms.

“D-Doctor…” Ejil seemed to have a hard time breathing.

“You lost this one, Ejil.”

“I…I couldn’t do it.”

“It’s all right, bud. You don’t have to say anything else.”

“How…did they react? Were they…happy about the clean house?” Ejil reached out, his eyes empty and lifeless.

I took his hand in my own, nodding. “The girls were, uh, pretty furious about that dresser. But not about the cleaning.”

“I…see.” Ejil’s hand went limp.

“Ejil? Hey, Ejil!” I forced a potion down his throat, slapping his cheeks until he opened his eyes. Yup, still alive.

I made a point of sending him back to his castle with some extra-strength ultra cleaning gel.

 

***

 

Later, Ejil swung by to inform me that the castle took a paltry two days to clean. Needless to say, he was grateful.

“I can’t live without this cleaning gel!” he exclaimed. It was clear just how useful the product was to him.

The demon king’s favorite extra-strength ultra cleaning gel became one of the drugstore’s best-selling products, proving useful to households throughout Kalta.