Chapter 5: Heavy Accents Are Hard to Understand

Chapter 5:
Heavy Accents Are Hard to Understand

 

THE ONE GUY in this brand-new world who I unhesitatingly called a friend—Zeral—had this to say when he dropped by the drugstore: “Let’s go drinking tonight, Reiji!”

Drinking? I can’t remember the last time someone invited me out like this! I had no trouble chugging a few drinks. “Sure, sounds good.”

“I’ll swing by this evening, then!” With that, Zeral headed home.

Guess I won’t be eating dinner here tonight. Better tell Mina before she starts cooking.

Assuming that Mina would be in the dining room, I poked my head in and found her slumped over the table.

“What’s up?” I asked. “Sick of haunting the house?”

“Don’t say ‘haunting’! I don’t haunt the house. I’m not a ghost!”

You definitely are. At any rate, it was rare for Mina to exhaust all her…haunting energy?…spiritual power…? so early in the day. I had no idea whether ghosts could run themselves ragged, but I asked, “Are you feeling okay?”

“I wore myself out weeding the backyard.”

“Really?”

“Yes,” Mina sighed. “However many weeds I pull, they just keep growing back.”

Our humble little home did have a backyard. We mostly dried laundry in it, but we had a vegetable garden too. Still, it wasn’t exactly a huge space. “How about I whip up something to make weeding a little easier?”

Mina spun toward me, her eyes sparkling in the light. “Is that possible?!”

“Yup. Hang on a sec.”

I made my way toward the lab, muttering. “I’ve never done yardwork. It never even occurred to me to make something like this.”

I went ahead and mixed Mina’s pick-me-up from various lab supplies. “Well, this should do the trick.”

 

Weed Soul X: Kills plants, making weed disposal easy-peasy.

 

New product in hand, I headed back to Mina. “Hey! Check it out.”

“This is your new treatment? What exactly does it do?”

“Just you wait and see.”

We exited into the backyard. Mina had obviously been pulling weeds all over, but the spots she hadn’t touched were still full of the things. If she left them alone, they’d overgrow the backyard. Only the little vegetable garden was nice and clear—not a weed to be found.

“You know, Mina, I had no clue you were going out of your way to weed the backyard and keep it pretty.”

“It’s fine, Mr. Reiji. Keeping the property in tip-top shape is my job!” Mina beamed proudly.

Still, I didn’t doubt that dealing with those weeds was a huge annoyance. I handed her the bottle of Weed Soul X. “Pour some of this on the weeds.”

Mina nodded and did so. The green weeds immediately began to wither. “M-Mr. Reiji, they’re dying!”

“That’s what this stuff’s for.” Wow. I didn’t think it’d work so fast.

We didn’t have nearly enough Weed Soul X. I mixed more, pouring the liquid into a watering can to make it easier to use.

“I can finally say goodbye to these dreadful little weeds!” Mina held the can, trembling with glee. “May I?”

“Be my guest!”

With a happy squeal, Mina poured Weed Soul X all over the overgrown backyard. The weeds where she first used the herbicide were already brown. In less than ten minutes, our once all-too-healthy backyard was full of dead weeds.

“Yay! Mr. Reiji, this is amazing!” The yard almost resembled a beautiful park. Mina seemed delighted. “I’ll finally get some precious time back.”

Thank goodness. Man, if I knew it’d make her so happy, I would’ve created an herbicide sooner. Looking after the yard really must’ve taken its toll. I guess there was just no end in sight.

“All that’s left is to pull the dead weeds,” Mina declared.

Wait a sec. Mina definitely used Weed Soul X on the entire backyard, aside from the veggie garden. However, one spot of roughly knee-high weeds was still bright green.

“Mina, did you forget this area?”

“No! I definitely poured it there.” She repeated the process, tilting her head.

We both hesitated. However long we waited, nothing happened. What the hell?

We tugged the weeds. Their roots must’ve been really thick; they didn’t budge, no matter how hard we pulled. “Nrrrgh!”

“What wrong, Master?” Noela tossed a cookie into her mouth and chewed away.

Guess it’s snack time. “Who’s watching the store, Noela?”

“No need watch store. No customers.”

I figured. It doesn’t look like we’ll get any shoppers today, I reflected. Our powerhouse Little Miss Werewolf might be able to yank out these mysterious weeds, though. “Noela, could you try pulling these out?”

“Okay!” Noela licked her cookie hand clean. She trotted over and grabbed hold of the weeds. “Garroo!”

She squatted and pulled with all her might. The ground cracked.

“Wh-whoa!” I gasped. “Incredible.”

Noela shot me a grin, but the weeds were still in place.

“Use your full strength,” I urged her.

Noela nodded. Suddenly, the look in her eyes changed. She breathed deep like some kung fu master, gripped the weeds tightly, and pulled with everything she had. “Gaaarrooooo!”

Oh, man! Just a bit more! “Mina, let’s help!”

“Right!”

I pulled Noela’s waist; Mina pulled on mine. “Graaaaaaaaah!” we screeched.

Thwump!

All three of us tumbled backward hard. We yelled in pain.

“You okay, Mina?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Noela?”

“Long time since Noela use full strength. Tired.”

Aw, poor thing. Good girl! I thought sympathetically. Man, these weeds are something else. And Weed Soul X doesn’t work on them either.

“Y’all got some issues.”

Hearing a voice from seemingly nowhere, I glanced around.

“Right o’er here, young’un,” the voice said.

I followed the sound, only to see something humanoid, with a dark, muscular body, sitting in the backyard. Its face was pitch black, but it had a mouth and eyes.

Who’s that?! Are they human?

Mina and Noela quickly took cover behind me.

“Gosh darn!” the thing exclaimed. “Why’re you folks doin’ this here mischief?” It bent toward us with an exasperated stare, resembling an indignant country bumpkin. The tough weeds we were yanking grew from its head.

Those weeds were this thing’s hair? No wonder Weed Soul X didn’t kill them.

“Never mind, never mind,” the figure added. “I don’t want to hear none o’ them excuses.”

You’re the one who asked us to make excuses! And what’s with that mishmash accent?

“Um…look, this is my drugstore’s backyard,” I told the figure. “Do you mind me asking who you are?”

“Who I am? Ain’t it dang obvious?!”

Er…a creepy tuber?

The figure’s eyes widened. “I’m an undergrounder!”

“How the hell were we supposed to know that?!” I snapped. This was my first time meeting an undergrounder. You’d expect them to live deeper down.

The undergrounder let out a loud, exasperated sigh. “I’m halfway through my dang hibernation, y’know. How many dang times I got to say it?”

Undergrounders hibernate? You literally only mentioned that, like, just now.

“Ain’t you dang well heard there’re things you dang well ain’t supposed to do?” the undergrounder demanded.

“Frankly, I’m not dang well sure what I’ve heard anymore.”

Noela and Mina were trembling with fear at our sudden confrontation with the mysterious undergrounder.

“Well, since this dang old geezer’s so nice, he forgives you,” the undergrounder told me. “Careful next time, though, ya hear?”

“Geezer”? Hunh. So, he is an old man?

Having forgiven our mistake, the burly undergrounder vanished.

“Um…I didn’t understand a single thing he said,” Mina admitted. “I didn’t realize you spoke Undergroundese, Mr. Reiji.”

“Huh? ‘Undergroundese’? Yeah, I guess so.”

“Noela scared, Master. Undergrounders scary!”

Oh, I get it. From my perspective, the undergrounder spoke a mishmash of familiar dialects and accents. To Mina and Noela, who had no experience with different accents, he must’ve come off as a scary old man speaking gibberish.

“He spoke so quickly at first, I thought he was casting a spell!” Mina said.

“Mad because uprooted.”

The undergrounder seemed upset to them, huh? “I don’t really think he was too angry. He said he forgave us. That was probably just his natural inflection.”

There was a large hole where the old undergrounder had been. I stuffed a dead weed in it.

“Noela no pull more weeds,” Noela whispered to herself, cradling her knees with a blank expression.

That old undergrounder really must’ve freaked her out.

 

***

 

I was preparing to close the drugstore when Zeral dropped in.

“Hey,” I greeted him. “So, undergrounders legit exist.”

“Reiji, bro, you doing okay?”

“Yeah. We, like, found one in the backyard today.”

“Like hell you did!” Zeral laughed heartily. “They’re made-up, pal.”

“For real, man!” I really want to go find that old guy and bring him to Zeral right now!

Zeral laughed his head off. “Sure you did, suuure you did. Whatever you say, Reiji.”