Chapter 151

One day — the sunset an unusually deep red, rain coming down in a steady patter —

Dan Haru realized it.

"…it's too heavy."

That maybe he was, just a little, tired of the whole business of going on living.

That carrying the weight of time lived over and over again was harder, more grueling, than he'd ever have guessed.

"……."

How heavy it was, having to face all the timelines he himself had wrecked.

"I'm sorry, hyungs."

None of it had been his fault — and even so, it was breaking Dan Haru down.

"I'm sorry…."

Those eyes, gone completely broken and hollowed out, didn't hold so much as a tear.

The deep, clear eyes someone had once said looked like the sunset slowly slid shut. A moment later, when they opened again, a liveliness and a bright, sparkling keenness that hadn't been there before were in them — and they met the pale sunlight and shadow lying across the room.

"Haru-yah, the hyungs say let's go eat."

"Ah, Eunchan-hyung."

"What are you doing alone in the room? You sick?"

At Eunchan's words, opening the door and stepping in, Haru shook his head.

"Mm, no. Just — lately I keep spacing out."

"You're not sick, are you?"

"Aw, but I'm super sturdy though?"

"Nothing came up at your health check, right?"

"Nope. They said I couldn't get any healthier than this."

On Dan Haru's face, spirited and smiling as he said it, there wasn't so much as a shadow anywhere.

Eunchan and Haru made their way to the cafeteria trading small jokes, and when they got there the other trainee hyungs — already at the table — welcomed them. Haru grabbed a tray, took his portions, and slid in at the table next to Eunchan.

"Jayden-hyung, how come you're eating so much today?"

"Gotta stock up. Might not get to eat this food tomorrow — feels wasteful not to."

"…ah, this hyung. Seriously kills the appetite."

At Jayden's crack referencing the second cut ceremony, Shin Kyungho — sitting next to him — put his chopsticks down irritably and glared. Of course, no one felt threatened by that.

Park Jaeyoung, across the table from Jayden, read the mood between the hyungs and slipped in a quiet question.

"But…. if you did get cut — what would you hyungs do?"

A beat of silence dropped over the table at Park Jaeyoung's question.

Of the thirteen trainees at the table, the first to answer was Yugeon, down at the end picking at rolled omelet.

"I'm gonna go work at a factory."

"A factory?"

"Gotta earn. Once I'm out of the company, the stipend dries up too."

Yugeon calmly kept chewing his omelet, adding that someone his grandfather knew had already lined a few places up for him. No one asked Yugeon if he'd regret it or if that meant he was giving up on his dream.

Everyone here knew perfectly well that Yugeon's reality outweighed his dream, and that the dream of being an idol wasn't Yugeon's desperate one-and-only.

The next to speak was Gong Seok.

"I…. was thinking of studying again."

"Ah — university?"

"Yeah. Not a top-name school like Siwoo's, but — still feels like there's a lot left for me to learn at school. I'm thinking about retaking entrance, or maybe transferring in."

"Transferring into a different arts university?"

"Hmm…. don't really know yet."

Seok's answer carried the implication that he might end up doing something other than singing, and Siwoo — beside him — twitched a little in reaction. But Siwoo didn't say anything to it, just quietly kept eating.

He knew perfectly well: someone sitting high enough in the rankings to be practically debut-locked wasn't the one who should be jumping into this conversation.

"Jayden going back to Chicago?"

"Maybe? Not really sure."

"Not want to part…."

"Yuki, you go relearn Korean already."

"Kyungho-hyung. Don't talk like that."

"What'd I do?"

Shin Kyungho — who'd been picking on Yuki for still fumbling his Korean — shot Taehyun a sharp glare when Taehyun tried to rein him in. Ever since the dating burner-account thing had broken — well aware his own elimination was basically already decided — he'd gotten prickly.

"Honestly, who's this conversation even for? If I get cut — please. If you still don't know who's getting cut at this point, that's on you for being an idiot."

"Kyungho-hyung."

"Ah, come on, you know it's true! Honestly — who here looks like they're going down? For real, this whole thing's basically at me at this point—"

"Shin Kyungho. That's enough."

Shin Kyungho — about to kick the table leg in a flare of irritation — flinched at the voice calling him and stopped mid-motion.

It was a low, hard voice none of them had really heard from him before, and even Dan Haru went taut and turned toward where it had come from. Hajin, seated at one end of the table, set his water glass down with a sharp tap and cast a look over at Kyungho.

"You're the one who did the dating — so why are you taking it out on the wrong people?"

"……."

Kyungho shut his mouth tight in unhappy silence at Hajin's line. As if it were nothing, Hajin picked his spoon back up, scooped some soup, and went on in his usual playful voice.

"Let's change the question, then. Say you got into a time machine and went back to before Miro Maze started. Would you all still sign up?"

Everyone stirred at Hajin's question, like they had plenty to say to it. Eunchan, seated with Haru, answered without hesitation.

"Absolutely."

"Even with the no-sleep right now and people trashing you? Even if you might not debut after all that?"

"Absolutely. I've gotten more out of this than I've lost."

At Eunchan's answer, an approving oooh~ stretched out around him. Awkward with the attention swinging his way, Eunchan handed the baton to Lee Doha, seated across the diagonal from him.

"Doha-hyung, what about you? Even going back, you'd do Miro Maze again, right?"

Doha — who'd been silently working through his second helping this whole time — nodded at Eunchan's question without a shred of hesitation.

"Yeah. Would."

"Whoa. Doha-hyung, honestly kind of unexpected."

"Shouldn't you have gone on Spirit Out (SPR-it out) instead?"

"Why? I'm an idol hopeful."

"That's the most unexpected part."

Doha didn't answer any of that — just finished his meal. He set his chopsticks down neatly on his cleanly-emptied tray, then turned his eyes this time to Wonho, across from him.

"Wonho, you?"

"Huh? Ah — sorry. I didn't catch that. What was it?"

"Asked if you'd sign up for Miro Maze again, if you could rewind time."

At Doha's question, Yugeon, Hajin, and Taehyun all looked over at Wonho at the same moment. Wonho, who'd only been half-tracking the conversation for a while, found the attention uncomfortable — scratched his head and leaned back. Then, after mulling it over a moment, he slowly shook his head.

"…don't really know. Fifty-fifty?"

Wonho gave a small grin and dropped his face back into his tray. It wasn't like the others couldn't tell what a knot his feelings were in, so the trainees played along easily and helped along the flow of the conversation.

"Then how about Haru?"

After hearing Wonho's answer, Hajin — who seemed to have sunk into his own thoughts too — lifted his head and turned toward Haru, at the exact opposite end of the table.

"Haru — if you could rewind time, what would you want to do?"

The question had shifted, subtly, but no one noticed anything off about it.

End of the table, to end of the table.

Haru's clear, glittering eyes lifted to Hajin, at the far side.

"Hmm, I….."

Haru thought about it.

If he could rewind time, what would he want to do?

If he could — there was plenty he'd want to do.

He'd want to keep Taehyun from being tormented by that awful department head,

go back to when Eunchan was in agony because of Seongwoo, and land Seongwoo one right on the jaw,

erase Yugeon getting ground down by hate comments, and Hajin getting torn into over all those fabricated scandals.

Beyond that — he'd want to stop the ugly business at the guerrilla concert this time, too,

and though it wasn't now… maybe if the coming elimination results didn't sit right, he'd want another shot at those too?

"Um, me — "

But all of it was already past, and the Dan Haru of now — unable to rewind time — found himself thinking it, without meaning to.

"Even if I could rewind time, I'd want to be on stage with the hyungs. Whatever form it took. That'd be enough."

Whatever came at him, with hyungs like these, wouldn't he be able to get through it?

That was the kind of thing he'd learned from them.

Things like a sky breaking bright and clear after rain.

"…yeah? That's touching."

Hajin, at that answer, kept the smile on his face and lowered his head.

The clatter of utensils knocking against dishware rang unusually loud through the cafeteria.

By the time their last dinner as thirteen was drawing to a close, the rain outside was slowly starting to let up.

---

An unusually long night ended, and morning came.

Boys, each carrying his own dream and his own reality inside him, stepped into the familiar studio.

"Hi, Hajin."

"Hi, noona."

Hajin greeted the hair-and-makeup staff — by this point well past familiar and closer to friends — as he stepped into the makeshift hair-and-makeup room set up in one of the studio's waiting rooms. Once he'd taken the seat set up for him, the manager who always handled his hair came over, brushing it out as she asked—

"How do you want it today? No stage today, so I can do whatever you like."

"Hmm…."

Flipping through the hair references on the tablet an assistant had handed him, Hajin pointed to one — the style people commonly called 'comma hair.'

"Thinking I might try this. Since I'm wearing a shirt today too."

"Sure, then."

He passed the tablet back to the assistant, and soon there were practiced hands working through his hair. Beside him, Taehyun was getting his makeup done, and behind him Yugeon — who'd gone in for another round of bleach not long ago — was getting a scolding from a hair stylist.

"So — Hajin, you're really going all the way to the end with the same hair, huh?"

"Sorry?"

"After today, it's the finals. I was thinking maybe an image change or something might be nice."

The manager, trimming his length, asked as Hajin was watching the other trainees around him through the mirror. Hajin's eyes came back around to his own reflection.

Come to think of it, his look really had been more or less the same every time. He'd stuck to straight black hair to keep from burning through his image too fast…. but maybe it was about time for a new look.

Hajin ran a light hand through his hair and smiled.

"If I make it through — maybe I'll try dyeing it?"

"Do things while you can, that's the way. And this company doesn't seem to interfere much anyway. Next time, hit up my shop and come in. I'll make it look great."

"If I make it through today, I'll think it over and let you know."

"Ugh, honestly — in my heart I want you all to make it. I've been out on plenty of survival gigs, and someone getting cut like that — I still can't get used to it."

Today, right here, three more would go.

"…yeah. Really."

Today of all days, that line landed on Kang Hajin with a weight almost too much to carry.