Chapter 180

Lee Hyunil, fidgeting, looked back on the truth of that day.

"Back then, right after the hyung trainees who were in the debut lineup got shelved and all left the company. There weren't many kids left, so all of us were super close, right? Really tight-knit."

Even as he was talking, Lee Hyunil seemed unable to meet anyone's eyes — his gaze stayed fixed on the floor the whole time.

Kang Hajin just listened to what he was saying.

It wasn't out of some kindhearted resolve to hear him all the way through.

Just —

that single word just was what sealed Kang Hajin's mouth.

"…hyung, do you remember? Not long after all that, you got sick. It was the flu or something, I think, so you couldn't come to the company for about two weeks. During that time, actually, all of us kids got together and went out for like a team-bonding trip."

"……."

"But honestly, what was a bunch of teenage boys going to get up to together. Play some games, get some food, hit the karaoke room for a bit…. and then, naturally, we started talking about people who weren't there. That was you, hyung."

After that Lee Hyunil tacked on this and that, but the conclusion was simple.

Kang Hajin had been a sacrifice.

A sacrifice to bind their anxious, restless hearts tightly into one.

"Honestly, there were kids who weren't comfortable with you, hyung. You said it yourself — you know your personality was rough. I got hurt by things you said a few times too."

"……."

"But…. was it just you we did that to? At that age, a bunch of teenage boys who couldn't even eat properly, cooped up practicing every single day — everyone was on edge, everyone was pissed off. …we just took it out on you, hyung."

"……."

"Hyung. I know it's shameless of me to say this to you now, but…. the one who first brought your name up was Gwangchae-hyung. He kept pretending he wasn't, feeling the other kids out, steering things toward you, working the mood—,"

"Stop."

"……?"

"Stop talking."

The one who cut Lee Hyunil off — words pouring out of him now like the reins had snapped — was Lee Doha. At Lee Doha reaching a hand out and making a stop talking gesture, Hyunil's head jerked up. Only then did he see the face of Hajin, sitting right across from him.

"……."

Face to face with Kang Hajin's expression, Lee Hyunil couldn't get any more words out and swallowed hard.

Had he ever, in his life, seen someone wear an expression like that?

Looking at Hajin — wearing an expression he'd never seen in movies or dramas either — Hyunil dropped his head like a criminal all over again. He didn't have the nerve to meet Hajin's eyes.

Soon, Hajin spoke.

"…you."

"……huh?"

"Were you 'just,' too?"

Whether he meant were you 'just' ostracized too or did you 'just' ostracize me too.

Hyunil thought for a moment about which of the two Hajin's just meant. But in the end, realizing the answer to both questions was the same, he slowly nodded.

"Yeah."

"……."

"I know whatever I say sounds like an excuse. …I'm sorry, hyung."

"…right."

Hajin answered in an extremely dry voice. So many emotions were tangled up in it that, oddly, none of them came through at all.

Without a word Hajin got up from his seat and picked up the phone on the table. Then, just like that, he ended the call.

"Late as it is, thanks for telling me. Take care."

"H-hyung. Hajin-hyung!"

As Hajin coldly turned to leave, Hyunil got to his feet without meaning to. When Doha blocked the arm Hyunil had instinctively thrown out to grab Hajin, Hyunil said in a rush:

"I'm sorry, I know you had it rough back then, hyung. That's why I came to help! If there's anything I can do—,"

"You. Can you post what you just said online? Right now."

At Hajin's cold reply, Hyunil stopped talking and stepped back. Then Hajin closed the distance by another step and came at him hard.

"Under your real name, laying out exactly what happened back then — can you do that? Can you be a witness?"

"……."

"You can't. You came to me just because you wanted to see Yu Gwangchae and Park Shinuk get screwed. Because you were still bitter about being ostracized. Unlike you at your academy, I've got a company, and I've got fans who'll shield me too."

Unable to bring himself to say no, Hyunil just took the words pouring down on him.

Looking at him, Hajin let out a long breath and pressed at his throbbing forehead.

"…I don't want to be angry at you. So just go."

"Hyung…."

"You telling me that story just now — that was enough. So go. I can't trust myself to be nice about this right now."

At the clear order to leave, Hyunil, biting his lip, fumbled around gathering his things and got up. This wasn't what he'd come for — being treated like this stirred up a pointless sense of being wronged, even knowing he had no right to feel that way.

"Lee Hyunil."

As Hyunil, bag in hand, was about to pass by Hajin, Hajin said his name.

Hyunil turned his head fast on the off chance it was a signal of reconciliation, but Hajin — still not so much as looking at him — made him shrink back all over again. With his back to Hyunil, Hajin said quietly:

"…get home safe."

At Hajin's last words — the ones that had come out of so much thought — Hyunil bolted from the meeting room like he was running away.

And that this really was their last goodbye, that from here on they'd never see each other's faces smiling again —

both of them could feel it.

---

Back at the dorm, Hajin lay on his bed without moving a muscle.

"Hey, Kang Hajin! At least come eat!"

"Taehyun-ah, just leave him. …right now it's better to just let him be on his own."

"Ugh, seriously, those damn punks — thinking about them again pisses me off. And after all that they turn around and write some exposé? These crazy bastards, I swear…!"

"Seo Taehyun, breathe. Your face looks like it's about to burst."

"It's not the face — it's the guts about to burst! The guts!"

Beyond the door, Hajin could hear Taehyun — as furious over the situation as Hajin himself — and Siwoo and Yugeon trying to talk Taehyun down. But Hajin still didn't stir.

"Hyung…. I'm putting some water and snacks here for you. Please eat, okay!"

"Doha-hyung says he'll just sleep in the living room tonight. So today, hyung, you can have this room to yourself."

He could feel the two maknae fretting behind his back — but Hajin just kept his eyes shut. Right now he didn't want to think about anything.

Even with his phone turned off, Hajin forced his eyes closed. He wanted to fall asleep, if anything. Today, he was so, so tired.

"Hajin-hyung."

Haru — who'd turned off the room's light and had been about to leave — came back and called Hajin. Then, after standing there hesitating for a while, at Eunchan's voice hurrying him to come out, he carefully patted the blanket around what he guessed was Hajin's shoulder.

"…see you tomorrow."

With that, the room's light went out and the door closed.

And Hajin fell asleep.

He didn't dream.

But Hajin was already inside a nightmare.

---

When he opened his eyes again, evening was long past.

"…ah. I'm hungry."

He'd slept so deeply he'd forgotten anything had even happened — and what woke him was hunger. Given that he hadn't had a bite since the hearty breakfast Yugeon laid out, it made sense.

Kang Hajin had always been the kind of human who needed his three meals a day even on the most miserable days of his life.

"Nobody here?"

It was too early to be asleep yet, and the dorm was quiet.

Feeling something off, Hajin stepped out of the room to find that, apart from a single mood light in the living room, all the lights were off and there wasn't a person in sight.

Wondering where everyone had gone, he made a lap around the dorm — and stuck to the top of the fridge, in a slapdash sort of way, was a piece of A4 paper.

〈Practice starts today so all at the company. Bureau Chief said hyung's off until end of today. Rice and side dishes all in the fridge, when you get up you MUST plate up and eat. (Siwoo-hyung said he'd check!!!)〉

"…this has Seo Taehyun written all over it."

No name signed, but the round, chubby handwriting, and the little tacked-on aside — added because Hajin somehow can't defy Siwoo — was Seo Taehyun down to a T. Feeling like he could actually hear Taehyun's voice somewhere in the room, Hajin let out a small laugh and peeled the A4 sheet off the fridge.

"……?"

He'd thought he'd read the whole note, but at the bottom there was a P.S. that looked like it had been added in a rush. Hajin slowly read the P.S.

〈+++++When you get up, YOU MUST call Auntie, hyung's mother!!!! She's super worried right now. If you don't call her, I'm gonna post online that Kang Hajin's a fire-attribute unfilial son.〉

"Since when is mom your aunt?"

Zero doubt about it — at the wrap dinner after finals, mom, top-tier social skills, and Seo Taehyun, master of easy-charm, had hit it off perfectly and pinky-promised each other into aunt and nephew. Picturing that day's scene — didn't need to have been there to see it — Hajin went into the room and found his phone.

Woong—

The moment he turned his phone on, calls and notifications came flooding in from every direction. With one light touch Hajin cleared every notification, then punched in the mother's number he had committed to memory and made the call.

—Hello? Hajin?

Not long after, at his mother's voice coming through the phone, Hajin only just held back from bursting into tears like a real crybaby.

She had to have been shocked when she saw the articles — and there was no worse unfilial move than finally calling and bawling. He had to burn that into his brain, and burn it in again.

—Hey, son. Have you eaten? Mom marinated some galbi and sent it with the manager.

"Ah. So that was your galbi, mom. No wonder — it was ridiculously good."

—Right?

Wait. This isn't how it's supposed to go?

Once again — at his mother's line coming out completely different from what he'd expected — Hajin felt slightly thrown. But Hajin's mom, as if nothing at all had happened — no, as if even if something had, she didn't know it — kept up perfectly ordinary everyday chatter.

—How's the dorm? The Bureau Chief showed me pictures — said they did all the interiors fresh. Looked really pretty?

"…hmm. I haven't finished looking around the place yet."

—Since it's a shared space, keep things clean, and eat properly, okay.

Mom didn't let a single thing show. Which actually made Hajin more at ease.

Because he didn't have to force himself to act okay.

—Anyway, mom's already bored. With my oldest gone. Coming home and there's no kid chattering away — feels so empty.

"I'll come home a lot. What's Hawon up to these days?"

—What do you think. Hawon's a full-on star at his art academy these days, apparently. Because of the TV thing.

"Aigo. Kang Hawon's gonna have a hard time, then."

But as the conversation went on and on, Hajin could tell.

Mom was waiting for Hajin to bring it up first.

So Hajin decided to open into it at a timing that wouldn't be too late.

"Mom."

—Yeah. Son.

"…so, you know. Those kids. The ones I told you about — the ones I was close with at KD Ent and then had a falling-out with."

Maybe because he'd already talked it through with Doha once the night before, telling his mom about that day this time wasn't especially hard.

If anything, the more he talked about it, the more new scenes came back to him — and there were places where he found himself thinking ah, that's actually what must have been going on back then, or maybe the situation was really like this, pieces he was newly able to understand.

Most of what Hajin passed on to his mother was the same as what he'd said to Doha, but there was one thing that was different.

"They must have just — that must have not sat well with them."

He no longer blamed himself, the way he used to accept those events as some kind of punishment brought on by his own faults and mistakes.

"I used to think everything was my fault…. Turns out it wasn't. Mom."

The me back then — lacking, clumsy — had simply been lacking, clumsy. Just like everyone was.

The moment he was finally able to feel compassion for the Kang Hajin of back then — the one everyone had hated — Hajin could, at last, breathe.

"It leaves you kind of hollow, kind of stupid — but on the other hand…."

Hajin buried his face in his hand and said:

"I'm just — I'm so relieved."

I'm relieved that I can be a good person.

Kang Hajin felt, at last, like he might be able to walk out of that dark, lonely practice room.