Chapter 74

"Shall we head out, then?"

"Let's."

Hajin and Suho stood up. It had already been two hours since they'd stepped into the restaurant. Grateful he'd booked a comfortable three, Suho gathered his things.

The plan Hajin had just walked him through, piece by piece, wasn't so much 'perfect' as intuitive. A reckless one where a single misstep along the way could send the whole thing sideways.

"…When are you planning to actually run this?"

But Suho instinctively knew there wasn't a better plan on offer. Which is why, when Hajin had asked if he was in, he'd had no choice but to nod.

"Hard to say. First off — you'll need some time to prep too, Team Lead, and I've got a few things I need to look into."

"Then for now, let's just share updates as each of us makes progress."

"Yeah, sounds good."

Hajin looked as deep in thought as Suho felt. But Suho didn't intend to pry into or comment on the shadows around Hajin anymore.

"I've got to head straight back to the office, so I won't be able to drop you off."

"It's fine, I'm not exactly some kid like Dan Haru."

"Not because you're a kid — because you're the artist I'm managing now."

In place of that, Suho had decided to actually start treating Hajin as his artist from here on.

Starting with the thing that had been so hard — dropping the formal speech. A Team Lead-level manager still speaking politely to a subsidiary trainee just looked ridiculous.

"What. Did you actually drop it?"

"Yeah. From here on I'm dropping it completely. And I'm going to treat you the same as all the other trainee kids."

"…? You're saying it like you weren't already?"

The boy who was somehow living life over and over again.

The boy who — with a mind this sharp and talent to burn — had, across every one of those lives, never once managed to debut.

The boy giving off a white light, one Suho had never seen from anyone before.

Getting to be that kind of boy's 'companion' — that wasn't a chance he wanted to miss as a manager.

"Keep your face covered when you're out. And avoid crowded places if you can."

"You're really flipping into manager mode out of nowhere? I'm still literally a trainee."

"…Hajin. You haven't monitored the reactions to your team's video yet, have you?"

"……"

"Make sure to watch it on the way. See exactly what your stage has kicked up online right now. And put a hood and mask on when you do."

Hammering the warning home, Suho climbed into the car. Hajin, still with that unimpressed look, just kept his hands stuffed in his jumper pockets and scratched at the back of his head.

'How the hell did he know I hadn't looked yet?'

With that on his mind, he saw Suho off with a suitable enough wave. Once Suho's car had vanished into the distance, Hajin — needing to figure out where he was going next — just started walking toward the subway station without really thinking about it.

"……"

Pulling his phone out was pure instinct. The subway was a decent walk away, and Hajin was the type of person who really couldn't stand being bored.

So pulling out the phone was, honestly, just to kill boredom on the way there.

"Ahem."

Hajin's feet came to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

He thought for a moment, then lowered the phone with a sigh.

Let out an "Aaargh!" and raised it back up.

Bit his lip, and finally opened iTube.

"Wow — fuck, why am I getting worked up over this."

Then, fingers full of stubbornness, he mashed keys into the keypad to type in the search.

〈Miro Maze Performance B〉

It took him another long stretch just to actually hit enter, but Hajin did press it.

Because the curiosity spurred by Suho's words was bigger than all the self-loathing and pessimism that had kept him from watching last night.

"……"

Even after he pressed enter, Hajin had instinctively shut his eyes. Slowly, he raised his eyelids.

And he saw.

"…huh."

Himself, filling the thumbnail.

'Me? Just me alone?'

The Feather-class guys had been a mess overall, sure, but that didn't mean they were a bunch whose buzz-value was rounding to zero.

Park Jaeyoung — the maknae of the class — had a bright, sharp image and was getting his share of adoration from the New Talent Development staff. Jayden, the overseas-raised one, and Gong Seok, with that clean, model-student neatness, weren't bad-looking either. Even that Youngho-or-whatever kid — his own little brat of a lost lamb — had a face that wasn't bad to look at.

"I'm the thumbnail?"

Not one pick from among the nine, not even two or three grouped together — the B-team thumbnail was only him.

As if bewitched, Hajin clicked the video.

source: iTube title: MIRO MAZE ∥ Daylight (日光) (Prod. Seo Taeil) - B-team Performance Video 573,165 views · 1,872 comments (Top) - hands up if you came to see hoodie-oppa irl > me > meee ㅋㅋㅋㅋ > everyone was talking so i got curious and i got hit hard > 444 - hajin-ah just debut already - is there really no individual fancam for this - the center kid is actually really good visuals are pure miro vibes and he can actually sing so i'm into him miro's always been a skill house so i had expectations, but yeah …see more - the importance of a center - wait everyone's good but ONE guy is way too overpowering ;; - so there's a rumor hoodie-oppa's only 3 months into being a trainee > cap fr > not cap his profile says he joined miro when he turned 20 > that's 3 months in?? bro's actually goated - another failed attempt to quit kpop, kang hajin you're my last kpop > granny quit capping > you little shit

Hajin stood there stupidly rooted in place, unable to move a muscle, reading down through the comments.

Of course, not every comment was favorable. Not every comment was about Hajin, either, and not every one was pure praise. Even so —

"……"

Hajin was, for the first time in a very long while —

for the first time in far, far too long —

being 'recognized' for what his work had actually produced.

'Public recognition' stabilizes the Fixed Regressor's state. 'Drift and Wander' mode is being reduced by 10%…. (loading) 'Drift and Wander' mode deactivates when maintained below 50% (currently 78%). 'The public' feels curiosity and affection toward you. 'Public affection' is being converted into cash for the skill system. (Converting to cash….)

Somehow the notification chime came out more upbeat than usual, and the blue window unfurled a whole run of alerts. But Hajin's line of sight was still —

fixed on the comments on that small screen.

"…this actually works."

Truth was, up until now, Hajin hadn't really registered any of what he'd achieved as 'achievement.'

As Suho had said, between what he'd been through in his first life and the string of regressions that followed, Hajin had tended to consciously refuse to pour real affection into whatever he was doing now.

'Because — there was no need for it.'

Give back only as much as you get. Do only as much as you'll get back.

Do what has to be done, and don't bother doing what doesn't have to be.

That was a line drawn from somewhere deep in Hajin's mind as a defense mechanism.

Hajin didn't want to feel again the 'loss' of being abandoned by something he loved and had poured himself into.

'It's not something I'm going to do for the rest of my life anyway — what's the point?'

An illusion that would vanish with a single regression — what was the point?

So Hajin hadn't attached much meaning to anything he'd accomplished this time around.

He'd posted good scores across all three evaluations, but he didn't think any of it counted as 'objectively' impressive.

'The month-end evaluation, I ended up 10th. The title-track mission, honestly — quality-wise we were below A-team. Even the second mission, Sarin only rated us that highly because of her personal history with the song. The other mentors' feedback was pretty underwhelming.'

So this whole time, Hajin had been afraid of seeing his own limits laid bare.

Afraid of looking at himself with clear eyes.

Like some day back in the past life when, having failed at everything, he'd lost his purpose and drifted.

'I don't want it confirmed that I'm nothing.'

Because he didn't want it confirmed — that he was someone who hadn't become anything, and never would.

"…ah, fuck, why now."

Tears started spilling from Hajin's eyes in fat drops.

Thrown, Hajin quickly tipped his head back and tried to wipe them off, but a sob he couldn't put a name to had already flooded up to the base of his throat.

"Why now, this is embarrassing."

People walking past were slowly starting to stare. Hajin knew he had to somehow get out of this crazy situation, but every time he registered the small piece of achievement in his hands, the tears refused to stop.

The System presents the Fixed Regressor with a small gift — a message.

Through his lurching field of vision, this time some words came through as sound — converted into audio ringing at Hajin's ear.

- kang hajin? his vocal power is INSANE. i thought it was AR but hearing his voice live you can tell he's singing ㅋㅋ - blog friends listen up our hajin is amazing he does the dance-break center and then goes straight into the 3rd verse chorus and his breath doesn't shake even a little ㅠ - hajin's tone is really unusual… at first i thought husky? but no, siwoo's more the husky one — this feels really smooth AND solid…? it's SO my type - honestly a-team's main vocal sings it better but the 3rd verse chorus fits the b-team kid better, once you hear his the original feels empty and i can't listen to it anymore, ah that's not how that part's supposed to be sung ;;; nah, this one wins - kang hajin nailing all the little details is INSANE, there's a bit where even the a-team kids all mush their fingers together because it's hard, but on b-team only hajin! keeps every finger clean and precise!! Yesterday… I was so curious I couldn't help it! I went and looked them up!

Probably internet reactions Thirteen had gone digging up on his own.

For Hajin — vision too blurred with tears to make anything out — Thirteen had kindly converted those reactions into audio and was playing them back at him.

"Fuck… Thirteen, you little shit…."

W-wasn't it supposed to be a heartwarming moment, the System panics ;;;

Those warm, affection-drenched voices were more than enough to bring Hajin — stubbornly holding himself upright — to his knees.

In the end, Hajin broke. Right in the middle of the sidewalk in front of the subway station, in the flow of people rushing past, without a spare thought for the nuisance he was making of himself, he sat down and cried.

"Ah — what the hell is this."

And only after breaking down like that did Hajin have to admit it. That he still hadn't managed to step out of that square bed at twenty-nine.

The Kang Hajin who was used to failure, who was afraid of loneliness — was still right here.

"Wow, this is really pathetic…."

The truth was — Hajin was starving for recognition.

I needed the certainty that I was someone who could do more.

I desperately needed to believe that everything I'd done up to now hadn't been for nothing.

He just wanted, purely, to love every moment of the life he was living.

'Kang Hajin' has achieved a realization. 'Kang Hajin's realization exerts significant influence on quest progress. 'Kang Hajin's certainty' stabilizes the Fixed Regressor's state.

'What?'

A stack of System windows was updating fast.

'Drift and Wander' mode is being reduced by 10%…. (loading) 'Drift and Wander' mode is being reduced by 10%…. (loading) 'Drift and Wander' mode is being reduced by 10%…. (loading) 'Drift and Wander' mode is being maintained below 50% and is deactivating (currently 48%).

Startled, Hajin stopped crying and blankly checked the System window.

The most recently updated window held something he hadn't seen coming at all.

'Kang Hajin' 'responds' to you. (response rate 100%) 'Kang Hajin' is available for recruitment. Confirm recruitment? (Y/N)