Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 139

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne here with the next exciting installment of Horny Monsters!

(I had a joke ready for today, but I forgot it. The caffeine has either kicked back in or left my body, oof)

New reader? Hey there, this is a long ass series about, well...just look at the title. It should be self explanatory. If you count the spin-off titles, I'm actually close to 200 chapters, which is probably 195 chapters more than what George has written in the last 9 years (and yet, he gets to be rich while I am forced to bargain shop for Icelandic Fish jerky). Anyways, yada yada, guy gets a blowjob in chapter 001, now we're managing relationship issues after a bunch of people/monsters/places have died since then. Go back and binge read it like people from the future will do with Stranger Things, only I hope I stick the landing better.

Returning reader, welcome back! I'm trying to stick with the every three weeks model for release for the foreseeable future, so please don't hesitate to check the bio for that schedule and any other updates (for example, some readers couldn't find a recent chapter, so I linked it there).

Look, I'll be real for a moment. Thank you. Thank you for still being here, for remembering to leave ratings, for being so enthusiastic. I'll admit it, I'm exhausted. Horny Monsters isn't the only thing I've written these last 9.5 years, but is by far the most comprehensive. Relationships take work, and I know I've been doing my part to keep things fresh and exciting. I'm glad you're still here, and I'm always trying my best to keep the momentum going. Someday, this series will come to an end. a big theme in this story is that all things do. I know I want to be around to see it, and I certainly hope I find most of you there.

For now, I don't know when that end will be (at least three books, minimum) but when that time comes, I'll post that final chapter and kick up my heels with a box of wine and a cheese wheel as I probably cry a whole lot over the single most important thing I've ever done beyond getting married and having kids.

If you can't make it, I understand. Otherwise,

It's a Date

Upon returning home, Mike tried to call Lily. When she didn't call or text him back, he tried to reach Beth. If anybody would be excited to take Leilani and Quetzalli shopping, it would be one of them. Sadly, Beth didn't answer. While the mermaid and the dragon chatted excitedly out by Naia's fountain, Mike tried to figure out who would be willing to take the two into town for a small shopping spree.

His options were limited for a companion experienced with human society. Perhaps Yuki? She had mentioned just this morning that she missed him as well, so perhaps asking her to help the others prep for a date was a bad idea. That, and though the kitsune was competent, she certainly didn't spend much time in the human world.

He made a quick list in his head of people who would be able to safely supervise such an outing. Sure, Beth and Lily would have been the best fit because of their eye for style and fashion, but he had no idea where they could be.

There were three options that came to mind right now. Dana and Tasia were two of them. That would have been a safe bet, except Tasia was still being hunted by the Order. Trips over to Dana's childhood home were one thing. Going into the city to do some dress shopping was far too risky, and he didn't know if Dana would be willing to do it by herself. She hated being away from Tasia.

He thumbed through his contacts until he reached the third name on the list and hit Call. It rang a few times before the phone clicked.

"Hello?" Ingrid's voice sounded like she had just woken up.

"Hey, it's me," he said. "Any chance you'd be up for some field work?"

"What kind?" Ingrid yawned. "Also, my rates are triple when I'm on vacation."

Mike couldn't help but chuckle. Ingrid, formerly of the Order, now worked for Eulalie. The Arachne typically had Ingrid working much smaller missions when she was secretly working for Tasia's dad, Alexandros. Between being insanely wealthy and having no proper work-life balance, Eulalie had opted to overpay for everything and ensure employee retention.

"Leilani and Quetzalli want to go dress shopping in the city," he replied. "They need an escort."

The fatigue vanished from Ingrid's voice. "You do know I'm chilling in a French hotel, right? I'm going to get a cheese platter the size of my head and go sit by the river Seine with a book for the rest of the afternoon with my date."

"Date? Did you meet somebody?"

"I did. He's about sixty years old and comes in a bottle. I plan on having him in my mouth all day, gonna suck him dry."

Mike laughed. "Lily's rubbed off on you. I can tell."

"Why didn't you ask her?"

"Can't find her, actually. What do you say? Want to help a couple of cryptids get ready for a date night?"

There was a long silence on the other end of the phone. Ingrid, after the events in Kensington, had become a member of the family much like Cyrus. Mike had even given her one of the houses he had purchased on their street so that she had a place to call her own.

"What if I said I'd buy you some clothes, too?" Mike offered. "You'll get paid, and you can pick up some new summer wear."

"We want a limo, too," she added.

"Excuse me?"

"Trust me on this, Radley. Leilani is royalty and Quetzalli is a dragon. They deserve to be chauffeured in style. Eulalie is already looking into a company that celebrities use. It'll be great." She lowered her voice. "Besides that, if you stick Leilani in a small sedan, that side of the car will sag."

"Fair point. Have them throw in some limo snacks and a sixty-year old bottle of cognac, too."

"Like a cheese tray the size of my head? I'm just going to bring my own. It's far better than whatever crap the limo company is going to find on such short notice. But they can't have my wine. I'm saving that for later." As Ingrid spoke, he could hear the rustling of fabric. "I can be there in twenty via rat portal. See you in a bit."

"Thank you, Ingrid. I appreciate it." Mike ended the call and looked at the others. "Good news. We're getting a limo for your outing and our date."

Quetzalli and Leilani cheered. Naia clapped her hands excitedly and spent the next several minutes telling them how much fun they were going to have. Yuki and Grace appeared shortly after, and the kitsune joined the discussion as well. Everyone threw out ideas for the date, from seeing a baseball game to reading a book in the park (which had been Amymone's addition).

By the time Ingrid arrived, Abella and some gargoyles had joined the discussion. Tink and Matilda were listening nearby, the goblin holding her daughter's hand as she walked along the walls of Naia's fountain. Looking for some peace, Mike swapped out with Tink. Matilda promptly bit his arm and wouldn't let go.

"Alright, who's going with me?" Ingrid said when she arrived. The mage was wearing a stylish coat and dress pants. She was also holding the biggest cheese platter Mike had ever seen.

"You're over-dressed," Yuki noted. "It's too hot out for that."

Ingrid shrugged. "It's fine. I intend to get a whole new wardrobe in about an hour anyway." She raised an eyebrow at Mike, then swatted at a little green hand that attempted to tear a hole in the cellophane of her platter. Ingrid glared at Matilda. "Mine."

Matilda spat out Mike's arm to bare her teeth at Ingrid. She leapt forward to attack her just as Tink scooped her up.

"Little booger be good," she declared, casually holding the toddler as Matilda threw a tantrum. Tink cast a glance in Grace's direction. "We go to Library, pick out new books. Does Baby Legs want come?"

Grace shook her head and pointed at Abella. "Roof?" she asked.

The gargoyle smiled and stuck out her wing. Grace immediately climbed onto it and moved to Abella's back, where she huddled in a small ball. "I will take the hatchling for now," she said, then flared her wings and leapt into the sky. Mike watched her take Grace up to the top of the nearest spire where the two of them would probably play tag and hide or seek with some other gargoyles, or even Kisa should she choose to join them.

He'd been up to the roof only a few times since expanding the estate into a castle. It really was the perfect obstacle course for a little Arachne.

"I guess we're off, then." Ingrid moved toward the nearest door with Quetzalli and Leilani right behind her. Mike used his magic to locate the nearest member of the Fae Guard.

"Send two with them," he said. The ethereal creature simply nodded, the message sent telepathically to the others. Mike wasn't entirely certain what these fae even were. According to Titania, they were wild magic given a purpose, but that was all she had disclosed. It was probably for the best, honestly. He had seen what was left of the few people and creatures who had tried to sneak onto the property with harmful intent, and the less he knew, the better.

He sat on the edge of the wall and visited with both Naia and Amymone for a bit, all while keeping his eye along the rooftops. Sure enough, Grace scampered over the side and made herself small shortly before a pair of younger gargoyles swooped overhead, clearly looking for her.

The gargoyle tribe was certainly interesting. They didn't have many youngsters at all, and they aged very slowly. There was a good chance that Mike's own grandchildren would play with these same kids someday.

As for Abella, he had briefly worried that she might become enamored with reuniting with her own people, and perhaps become distant. That hadn't been further from the truth. Sure, she interacted with them on a daily basis, but her priority was to the home and its residents. She did strike up a close friendship with a male gargoyle named Monolith who shared the same human kink that she did. The two could be seen hanging out frequently and comparing notes.

Lily had teased Mike about the two of them, but he wasn't worried. Neither gargoyle had any interest in their own kind, and Monolith was now hanging out primarily at the cabin. Apparently Beth had caught his eye, but he had yet to catch hers.

Honestly, that surprised him a little bit. While Beth's love life was certainly none of his business, she had initially started pretty strong by having relationships with Asterion, Bigfoot, and Sulyvahn, but then sort of stopped. Their own dalliances were infrequent at best, and there was always some sort of lingering tension afterward.

His phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket to see that it was Beth who was calling him. He answered and held it to his ear.

"Speak of the devil," he said.

"You were talking about me?" asked Beth.

"Thinking about you," he replied. "You must have felt it."

Beth actually giggled. "As much as I'd like to flirt with you for a bit over the phone, we need to talk in person. What are you up to?"

"Have a date night lined up with both Quetzalli and Leilani," he replied. "I actually tried to call you about it earlier, but took care of the details already, so no worries. I'm about to go get ready for it after they tell me where we're going."

"Mike Radley is going on a date?" He heard Beth snort. "At this pace, you'll start holding hands with them in a year or two."

"Don't be so lewd," Mike said. "You're making me blush. Anyway, what's up? Were you just calling me back?"

"It can wait until tomorrow," she replied. "It's nothing urgent by any means, and I don't want you getting caught up and ruining your date."

He frowned. "Why would our discussion ruin our date?"

"Don't overthink it. Go, have fun, don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Is there anything you wouldn't do?" he asked.

"Not really." Beth barked a laugh and then ended the call. He looked at his phone for a moment and shrugged. If she said it wasn't worth worrying about right now, he trusted her.

"Who wants to help me pick out my date night outfit?" he asked. Naia and Amymone both raised their hands.

🏠 🏠 🏠

Lily had built half of her house of cards on the cabin table when Beth walked back into the room. The succubus casually scooped them all up and tucked them back into their box.

Beth blatantly ignored the succubus and went into the kitchen to pour herself a drink. She eventually sat on the other side of the table and said nothing.

"How mad was he?" Lily asked.

"Not at all," Beth replied. "I haven't told him yet."

The succubus licked her lips and shuffled the cards in her hand. "Oh, great. So now I'm a dead man walking."

"I'll tell him tomorrow." Beth set her drink down and put her elbow on the table before leaning toward Lily. "He's got a date tonight with Leilani and Quetzalli."

"What? And he didn't call me for advice? What a slacker."

"I bet he did, actually. I had a missed call from him earlier."

"Huh?" Lily shifted her demonic essence around and forced her phone back up to the surface of her body. In this case, she made it appear in her pocket. Sometimes, she would do this trick for the kids by making the phone ooze out of her belly button or appear in her mouth.

"It's not like this is super urgent. Besides, maybe we could do a little digging of our own on this Bentley guy. His lawyer already replied to the email I sent, and it's clear they are quite serious about this whole thing."

"Ugh. Rich guys and lawyers, name a more obnoxious pairing."

"Money and politics," Beth replied.

"Touché." Lily frowned at her phone. "Damn, I missed several calls and texts. He must have been hard up for advice. I suppose he and I should have a talk about the birds and the bees. Do you have a banana on hand? Maybe I could..." She trailed off when she saw the other messages. The bullshit with Maxwell had her so flustered, she hadn't even noticed her phone had been buzzing inside of her.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah." In reality, it wasn't. The calls and texts were from Peyton. There wasn't a voicemail from the girl, but there was a stream of consciousness from the preteen that essentially amounted to something the girl considered an emergency.

If Peyton was in actual danger, she would have called somebody else first. Either this problem was a Peyton-specific crisis, or it was something that the authorities and her parents couldn't help her with.

However, seeing I need you right now in a dozen variations already had the succubus on her feet. She texted Peyton to ask where she was and moved toward the door. "Are we good here? Do you actually need me for anything?"

"Other than a Radley family confessional? Not really." Beth raised an eyebrow. "However, do you need my help with something?"

"I don't. Bye." Lily left the cabin and ran past some Nirumbi children hitting a scarecrow in the front yard. She threw open the barn door and hurried down the aisle. In a room that once stored Jeep parts, there was a portal that took her straight to the Library.

The rats monitoring the portal network jumped when she passed by, wings extended and flapping to provide her a boost of speed that carried her down the corridor and out onto a small ledge where a floating platform was meant to pick her up.

Eschewing the wait, Lily flung herself from the balcony, tumbling two hundred feet down the massive column that held up the roof of the Library. Flaring her wings at the last possible moment, she slowed her descent just enough before landing that her heeled boots clicked against the marble floor without cracking it.

She shoved the door open and stormed into a room with another portal that took her the equivalent of over two thousand miles across the United States to a small storage facility with a door that had been welded shut from the inside. The sole method of egress was a small ventilation shaft up above the door that only a small child could squeeze through.

Lily transformed into a toddler and squeezed herself through, where she dropped down on the other side. There was a camera pointed at the door, but the only one who monitored it was Eulalie.

Nobody saw Lily leave the facility. She sprinted across the parking lot to a narrow gap between two buildings and took to the sky, altering her skin and clothing to match the dull, overcast weather. Her phone dinged, and she checked it to see that Peyton was at a park near her house.

Landing almost a block away, Lily took the form of a fifteen-year-old version of herself and jogged the rest of the way. Upon arriving, she scanned the park, half expecting to see a group of men, kids, or maybe even a pack of dogs surrounding a tree with Peyton at the top as their focal point. Instead, there were a couple of random moms with their toddlers at the sandbox and a very distraught prepubescent brunette on a swing, staring down at the gravel under her feet.

Lily took the swing next to Peyton, unnoticed by the young girl. "Is it a body?" she asked, startling Peyton out of her thoughts. "'Cause if you killed a man, we're going to need to borrow some shovels. The nearest pig farm is too far away to carry it and neither of us have our--OOF!"

The young girl had hopped off her swing and slammed both arms around Lily in a tight embrace that nearly knocked them both to the ground. Lily held the girl tight and just let her cry as she rubbed the small of her back.

Peyton eventually let go and rubbed at her cheeks. It was clear she had been crying for quite a while now.

"What happened?" Lily asked.

"I...um..." She looked over at the women near the sandbox, but they were paying too much attention to their own children. "Are you safe to be here right now?"

"Why wouldn't I be safe?" Lily frowned.

"Because of...you." Peyton knew there was something supernatural about Lily, but didn't know what. On more than one occasion, she had tried to trick Lily into revealing what she actually was, but had failed. "Is it okay for you to be out?"

"Of course. Mars is in retrograde or some bullshit." Lily waved the question off. "So spill. What's the freak-out over?"

"It sounds stupid," Peyton muttered, and Lily fought a groan. The girl was officially at that age where she often doubted her own thoughts and opinions, which meant Lily would have to convince her to spill the tea.

"Just because it sounds dumb doesn't mean it is." Lily held up her phone. "This one-sided conversation on my phone represents panic and fear. It doesn't quite scream 'Becky Miller got boobs over spring break and now I'm Peyton plain and tall at school.'"

"It's not that," Peyton replied. "I hope it's never that."

"Puberty will convince you otherwise, but please. Proceed."

"It's Mom and Dad. I..." Peyton's red-rimmed eyes filled with tears and she went quiet. Lily took the girl by the hand and led her away from the playground. The two of them wandered across the park while Peyton composed her thoughts. Lily was patient. Eventually, Peyton broke the silence.

"My mom is pregnant," she whispered.

Lily nodded as if this explained everything, then waited again. When Peyton didn't say anything, the succubus spoke. "Well, I guess a new baby isn't ideal. It's a pretty big change and all that. On the plus side, though, I'm guessing this means your parents are stronger than ever."

Peyton scoffed. "Yeah, I guess." After a moment, she groaned and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. "No, I'm happy for them. I want to be excited for the baby. They don't know whether it's a boy or girl yet."

"Which do you hope it is?"

Peyton sighed and stared off into the distance. "Part of me wants it to be a little girl," she said. "To believe that it's my sister, back again for a second chance. Reincarnation is real, right?"

Lily nodded. "It is," she said.

"But maybe a fresh start would be better. A little brother, someone I can dump on in a few years while he looks up to me like I'm his own personal goddess."

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