Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 140

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne here with the newest chapter of "Let's throw a bunch of magical characters into a fuck-blender and see what sort of smoothie we can make!"

(Whatever comes out will definitely need a NUT advisory)

New readers, welcome to the madness! This all started with a horny dude jerking it to the pizza girl in a bathtub of a Victorian-era Manor and now 9 books and 4 spinoffs later, we're still waiting for Winds of Winter. To fully understand the reference, you should go all the way back to Chapter 001 and binge that shit until you get the joke.

Returning readers, welcome back! Hey, a quick note here, I have no idea why people can't find recent chapters on Lit. I'm still posting them the same as always and adding them to the series, so if you or someone you know is struggling with this issue, please message the admin here.

A huge thanks to everybody who is still with me on this journey, it's been a wild ride. To future aliens sifting through the ruins of our society who have found the server containing this story, you should know that I relied heavily on stars and comments to make this project work and loved my readers for doing it. You should also know that everything bad that happened to us started with shooting a lowland gorilla in 2016. It will be up to your archeologists to figure out how and why this triggered mankind's demise.

I just spent ten minutes trying to think of a clever way to intro this chapter, but simply couldn't. I'm in prime "everywhere I look is smoky" territory and my gray matter has become a poorly marbled brisket as a result. This chapter is called

Out with the Old

It was just after eight in the morning, and Mike had been up for half an hour. He sat on the eastern turret of his home with Abella and a young gargoyle named Bedrock. The youth had just turned five earlier in the week, which meant he was considered an adult within the clan.

Gargoyles, as long-lived as they were, had remarkably short childhoods. Mike hadn't known this, but they emerged from their eggs in a quasi-adult form. Gargoyle children looked like shrunken down rock gremlins until they hit roughly five years of age. This is when secondary sexual characteristics emerged and they could be considered adults.

This particular young adult had become smitten with Abella. Now capable of breeding age, he had been quite upset that Abella had no interest in him. To make matters worse, Bedrock had been lurking on the roof when Mike had come home from his date, only to overhear Abella wistfully mention that she wished she could go on a proper date. This had apparently been the last straw for the youth and he had challenged Mike over the matter the moment he stepped outside to check on Cecilia.

While Mike hadn't been keen to even acknowledge the adolescent gargoyle's challenge, Abella had asked him to acquiesce. The gargoyles from Avalon were old-fashioned, and declining would be seen as a weakness on Mike's part. None of the adults in their right mind would even consider such a thing, but this adult was new and obviously not yet in their right mind.

Bedrock seemed like an immature idiot. Up above, Slade clung to the turret as Bedrock's second.

"You can do this, little brother," he shouted, then looked at Mike. The gargoyle put his hands together in a pleading gesture and mouthed the words, "Please don't kill him too much."

"This is your last chance," Mike replied, trying not to roll his eyes in annoyance. A regular human had no chance against a gargoyle, after all, which made this duel, challenge, whatever the fuck it was, even more petty.

Human and gargoyle relations in Avalon had been fairly one-sided. They never came into conflict with one another, so even the clan thought Bedrock was out of line.

Still, this was apparently the honorable thing for Mike to do.

"I do not know the meaning of the word defeat," Bedrock declared, then flexed his muscles. He looked over at Abella to see if she noticed him. She rolled her eyes and shook her head in annoyance.

"Even if you win, I have no interest in you." Her French accent made her sound ten times more annoyed. "I don't know why you won't get that through your thick skull."

"That's because my skull is ten times as thick as his!" Bedrock pointed at Mike, then flexed again.

Mike really hoped Callisto didn't go through a phase like this. "Okay," he replied. "If you really think this is necessary, then I accept your challenge."

"Then choose." Bedrock grinned, then looked at Abella again. "Shall it be a test of strength? Flight? Fire?"

"Combat," Mike replied, which caught Bedrock off-guard. Slade had briefed him earlier on the clan's rules. There was a limit to the challenges a gargoyle could make. With their declining numbers and slow population growth, they didn't want clan members accidentally killing each other.

However, combat was the secret option. If a problem really couldn't be solved without two gargoyles punching each other in the face, this was it.

"C...combat?" Bedrock looked at his brother, then Abella. "You know you can't use weapons, right?"

"Actually, you get to choose the weapons." Mike looked at his fingers as if inspecting his nails. "Hammers? Swords? Guns? It's a modern world, after all. And then I get to choose the terms of the battle. I will be choosing death."

Bedrock actually paled, the dark lines of obsidian running across his body standing out. "Death?" he whispered.

"Sure. I'm the Caretaker, but I'm also the Conqueror and the King of the Fae. Abella is a special member of my family, and you failed to heed her words. I will absolutely use you as an example that I don't like being challenged." He grinned wickedly, then summoned a ball of lightning into his hand. "I intend to crush your corpse and use it to landscape some bushes in the maze as a reminder."

"That...uh..." Bedrock looked at his brother, who just shook his head.

"I can't help you with this," Slade said. "You flew into this mountain on purpose, even after we warned you."

Mike had no intention of killing Bedrock. Slade and Abella both knew this. However, he absolutely didn't want to deal with something like this again.

"Is there a problem?" Mike asked. "I have accepted your challenge and await the terms of weaponry."

"You...um..." Bedrock's skull may have been ten times thicker than Mike's, but even he saw the potential problem here. If he killed Mike, everything that had been built had a huge chance of falling apart. The boulder-brained idiot had essentially Kobayashi Maru'ed himself.

"A point of clarification. Does unarmed combat include magic?" Mike made the sky rumble overhead. "If not, then you can't choose unarmed. My body is altered by magic, you see, so much so that I don't know where the defining line is. Can I use lightning? Ice? What about my touch of death?"

"Touch...of...death?"

Mike nodded solemnly. "That one definitely counts as unarmed. It's just a touch, after all."

Abella hid her face behind her wings before Bedrock could see her smile. Slade just shook his head.

"If we don't do unarmed, I would prefer swords. You'll just have to wait while I go grab Excalibur."

The gargoyle swallowed hard, making a sound like crunching gravel. Yeah, Bedrock had no idea what to do with himself. If he rescinded the challenge, he would lose a massive amount of honor, or whatever the clan called it.

Mike let the gargoyle sweat it out for a minute, then sighed. "Look, I really don't have all day. If you don't want to do combat to the death, perhaps I can choose something else."

Bedrock almost looked relieved. "That...I believe it would be in everyone's best interest if nobody died here today."

"But in exchange, I get to choose the conditions of victory." Mike made the stern face he gave Grace whenever he caught her eating cookies on the ceiling. "Also, you'll find a gargoyle girl your own age to pester. Somebody who is unattached."

"That, um..." It was very clear to Mike that Bedrock realized this was also a trap, but he couldn't figure out what or how. Mike couldn't fly, and he definitely couldn't breathe fire, so that left strength. The gargoyle made a face, his jaw flexing as if he were chewing on something.

Slade hopped down and smacked his brother on the back of his head. "Spit it out, rocks for brains."

Bedrock glared at his brother. Mike wondered what the gargoyle version of testosterone was. "Okay, then. You may choose the challenge and the conditions."

"Fantastic." Mike held up a hand and Abella tossed him a piece of chalk. Bedrock grunted as Mike drew a five-foot circle on the roof and then jammed the chalk back into his pocket. "I choose a test of strength."

Bedrock grinned. "The terms?"

"It's rather simple. You will use only the strength of your body to move me out of this circle. Tail, arms, legs, I don't care. In return, I will only use the strength of my body to remain inside the circle. If you can move me in twenty seconds, then you have beaten me."

The gargoyle scoffed, his tail whipping back and forth. "I can do it in three."

"Twenty will be fine. You will start three steps back from the edge of the circle. Your second will time us. If I am still in the circle, you take Abella at her word that she isn't interested and piss off." Mike looked past Bedrock at Slade. "Should I add that he has to leave the clan, too?"

"You could," Slade admitted.

Bedrock whipped around. "I'm not going to lose," he snarled.

All three of the grown-ups rolled their eyes together. Mike had no intention of banning Bedrock from his property. He was just a hard-headed youth struggling to adjust to this new world. "Then you have no problem if I assign you to a thirty-year security rotation on the tower."

The rotation was something that the gargoyles had volunteered to do. Those who felt like Earth was far bigger than they were comfortable with now occupied Yuki's former tower in the pocket world with the old centaur tribe. Those gargoyles had been happy enough to take up the rotation, because they could fly to their heart's content and were quite happy with the tower itself.

It also meant that Mike always had eyes and ears on a particular mountain in that area. Though the gargoyles didn't know exactly what they were supposed to be guarding, they did know it was extremely important.

Thirty years would have been cruel for a human, but Abella had assured him that this term wasn't long for a gargoyle at all, and Bedrock would grow out of his rebellious phase by then.

"I accept these terms." Bedrock immediately took up his position, his tail swishing from side-to-side. Mike frowned at the shingles that got ripped up in the process, but said nothing about it.

"Then I am ready when your second is." He looked past Bedrock. Abella had already jammed a pair of noise-cancelling headphones over her ears. Slade was forced to make do with just clasping his palms over his own. Mike took a deep breath.

"Now!" he declared.

Mike released the banshee's cry. Bedrock had only taken a single step forward when he cried out in pain and clutched at his head, now fully disoriented. Gasping, he tried to cover his head with his wings and crawl forward, but Mike simply sang louder. A couple of gargoyles who had been lurking nearby covered their heads in agony and hopped across the roof to get away.

Bedrock, out of a sense of preservation, crawled away. Slade signaled that the time was up, so Mike stopped singing. Almost immediately, Bedrock came stomping back over.

"You--" was all he managed to say before Slade tackled his brother from behind.

"Don't you dare accuse him of cheating," the gargoyle hissed. "As your second, even I agree that you have lost."

Mike held up a hand to get their attention. "Strength comes in many forms. Clearly, Bedrock assumed it would be just the strength of his muscles against mine, and that is where his failure lies. I only said I would use my body, which does include my voice."

"That isn't what strength means!" Bedrock snarled.

"Oh? What does it mean, then?"

"It...means..." Bedrock flexed his claws in frustration. "IT'S HOW STRONG YOUR BODY IS!"

Mike shook his head. "Even by your definition, you have failed. How would you like to define your loss? Did I test the strength of your resolve? Or perhaps the strength of your pain tolerance? These are both features of your body, Bedrock. Clearly, you have failed in regards to the strength of your character."

Bedrock shoved at his brother and stepped toward Mike. Abella stepped in and tried to hold Bedrock in place.

"Let him go," Mike said. All three gargoyles looked up at him.

"Are you sure?" Abella asked.

Mike nodded. "I have nothing to fear from him."

Slade and Abella stepped away from Bedrock, who flared his wings and snorted angrily. He snarled at Mike, his thick brow furrowing.

"You should be afraid," Bedrock grunted. "Stone outlasts flesh, Caretaker."

" Sit. " Mike pointed down, and Bedrock's body immediately fell into a crouch, powered by the divine command. Much of Mike's divinity had gone to creating his Fae King copy, but a third of it had already returned over the last year.

"What--"

" STAY. " This time, a ripple of power emanated out from Mike like a shockwave, then immediately coalesced around the troublesome gargoyle. A golden aura briefly appeared along his stony skin, then vanished.

The gargoyle's mouth opened in shock as he found himself unable to move. His whole body locked up, but he could still speak stiffly. "How are you doing this?"

"You're trying to weasel out of a bargain with the King of the Fae while on top of his house. This is a place of power, Bedrock, and that power is mine." Mike spoke softly as he knelt to be on eye level with Bedrock. He hadn't wanted to use his authority in this manner, but it was time. "You shall obey this command until you can honestly reflect on your life choices and correctly identify the one who is at fault for them. Once you have done this, you will be free to begin your penance."

"He could be up here for years." Slade slapped his brother in the back of his head. "Decades, even."

"It's a big roof." Mike sighed. "Let your people know to give him his space. Some lessons are harder than others, and he doesn't need others coming to tease him while he thinks on my words. We learn from our failures, but some lessons require extra grace and time before they can fully sink in."

Bedrock looked like he was going to say something, but lowered his gaze when Mike looked at him. The Caretaker placed his hand on the youth's shoulder.

"You have great potential, Bedrock. Don't waste it on the pettiness of youth. As a gargoyle, your hearing is excellent. But it's time you learn to truly listen." He yawned and looked at Abella. "If we're done here, I need breakfast."

Abella launched herself into the sky, then circled wide and swooped down to grab Mike's extended hand. She carried him over the edge of the roof and glided in an arc that allowed her to set him on the ground before she landed just up ahead.

"Thank you for handling that," she said, waiting for him to catch up to her. "Slade offered to beat him up for me, but I think it would have just further encouraged him."

"Probably, but I understand his desires, you're an attractive woman."

Mike fell in step beside Abella as they walked toward the front door of the house. The Moon Tribe was out in force this morning, doing maintenance on the yard as the flowers blossomed. Over by the hedge maze, the gnomish council had formed and were holding a meeting about this year's summer landscaping. They were one of the many smaller fae communities that now occupied the land around the house.

"How was your date?" Abella asked.

"Great in a lot of ways."

The gargoyle stopped and turned to face him. "Is something bothering you?"

"Yeah." Mike looked up at his home and smiled. "Last night made me realize that I don't have enough time anymore. Something as simple as a date has become a huge event for the whole house."

"You think we don't date?" Abella slid her hand into his and gave it a squeeze. "I would far prefer to find somewhere cozy and watch a movie together, or maybe watch the rain fall. When I spoke last night, it was more the whimsy of the fantasy itself. We all want different things."

He looked at Abella. "That's true," he admitted. "Not everyone needs what Leilani and Quetzalli wanted. But others..." His mind went to Tink. "Their options are limited by their appearance. I can't just take them out for a night on the town."

"If you ask me, the city is overrated. But I see your point." Abella cocked her head to the side, clearly listening to something he couldn't hear. "Neighbors are watching us again."

The neighbors on Mike's street couldn't see the truth of the property. The geas concealed the home in such a way that it was anybody's guess how it was viewed. To further conceal himself, he had bought several of the homes on his block, but there were still some holdouts, like those who lived immediately next door. "What are they saying this time?"

"The wife brought out some old scrapbooks that belonged to her mother. They're puzzling over some of the pictures from eighty years back, a bit in disbelief that they've been living next door to a castle this whole time and never thought twice about it."

"Ah. Well..." Mike laughed. "Did I tell you that we've gotten over a thousand wedding requests this month?"

"A thousand?" Abella's eyes widened.

"Yeah. Eulalie wasn't able to suppress all the posts and blogs that popped up about our home, so created a website where people could book events. She claimed that we're booked solid for the next ten years. Nobody is waiting ten years to get married, so that gets rid of most of them. She then put Paige, Reed, and Booker on taking phone calls for a while to train them on modern social norms and communication."

"That must have been quite the culture shock."

He nodded. "They can't believe how rude modern people are. The good news is that they can't get fired, so they are allowed to say whatever they want. Eulalie has an audio file of Paige getting some bride-zilla so worked up that she kept slipping into another language while ranting. This woman kept calling back, so they eventually called in the customer service specialist."

"Oh? Who is that?"

"Tink. She apparently made the woman cry. We got a one-star review on numerous websites because of it. Eulalie has a bot army that is constantly manufacturing four- and five-star reviews to account for the fake events we hold here."

Abella snorted. "That's a lot of work when you could just ignore everybody."

"Sometimes it's better to hide in plain sight." Mike caught movement from the corner of his eye and saw Death strolling up the driveway. He gave Mike and Abella a cheerful wave, and they waited for him.

"Good morning, Mike Radley. Abella Radley." The Grim Reaper's hood was pulled back, exposing the top of his skull to the bright sun.

"Hey, bud. Thanks for all that you did last night. The girls had a really good time."

"You are quite welcome." Death grinned. "I am just returning home, myself."

"From the club?" Mike asked.

"Oh, goodness, no. I left the club shortly after you did with Ms. Racquel."

This immediately had his full attention. "You did?"

"Of course. She told me that she was getting off soon, and wondered if I would like to go someplace else. Ms. Racquel has always been very kind to me, and I had nothing else going on, so I agreed. She took me to a club with a microphone for a poetry slam."

"You spent all night at a poetry slam?" Abella asked.

"Would you let me finish my story?" Death cleared his throat. "We stayed at that club for a couple of hours. Racquel shared much of her poetry with me during the slam. A lot of it was about ravens. Eventually, the club shut down and she invited me back to her place."

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