Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 142

Hi, all! Annabelle Hawthorne here with yet another chapter of "It was either this or blackjack and hookers, but I'm bad at math and can't afford hookers."

New reader? Welcome! I am the delightfully unhinged author of a saga (is this series legally a saga now?) about a dude who got a blowie from a strange girl squatting in an abandoned house who is now essentially running his own business empire alongside family and friends. Really, this is just a trailer park romance story with a better dental plan and therapy. You can jump right in if you wish, but you're gonna be more confused than a dyslexic kid at a spelling bee, so feel free to jump back to Ch. 001 and binge this shit until you get back to this point.

Returning reader? Welcome back, it's so good to see you! I hope you brought snacks, because I'm all out, but that doesn't mean we don't have a little something for everybody with this slice of life chapter where we get to take a deep breath before diving deep into the action.

As always, thank you soooo much for being here. It's officially been nine months straight of me dumping over two million words into this universe for you all, and so many of you are still excited to see what happens next! (I swear, I will nail this landing better than GoT did). I always appreciate your comments, feedback, and any stars you can give (except that weird ass who has been one-starring all my chapters, if you didn't like reading it, you would have quit a hundred chapters back, so either you've read none of it or you keep punishing yourself at my expense, you weird-ass).

Make sure you all are checking my bio for release dates. I heard the fix for missing chapters is to click on my profile, and then organize my submissions alphabetically. I try to announce anything super important in that space.

Also, remember to read responsibly! If you experience any light-headedness, hallucinations, or odd sensations of euphoria, make sure you are drinking plenty of water and check your surroundings for the

Exit Light

Mike had his fingers steepled together in contemplation as he studied the board in front of him. Numerous figurines, each one familiar to him, were spread across the grass painted tiles beneath him. An insidious fog surrounded all of them, seeping off the edges of the table like a phantom waterfall.

"What do I do?" he mused out loud. All around the edges of the board, several unpainted statues had appeared, each one of them a humanoid figure caught in various, tortured poses.

His family was trapped. He was trapped. There would be no escape.

Narrowing his gaze, he looked up at the figure standing across the board from him. The options were limited, but a plan had formed. "My bard plays his harmonica and casts Countercharm."

Bigfoot grunted his approval. "This will grant the party advantage on their rolls against the mysterious fear effect coming from the fog." He looked over at Callisto. "You're up."

Callisto grinned, and picked up his dice. "My centaur Paladin actually has a double advantage due to racial feats."

Bigfoot shrugged. "Yeah, sure."

They were sitting in the gazebo with a game board set out before them. Yuki was off to Mike's right, casually providing the illusory magic that helped bring the game to life. To Mike's left was Callisto in his centaur form, followed by Nima.

Though Cassie had given Callisto her trophy, today was the day the tournament was originally scheduled. To help the boy keep his mind off of it, they had tried to schedule a playdate with Cassie. Sadly, a couple of her siblings had caught whatever cold was going around, so that had been cancelled.

With no other ideas off the top of his head, somehow, they had ended up playing a makeshift version of DnD. Callisto had invited Nima along, who leaned on his gnarled staff and studied the board with sincere interest.

"Can you funnel any of those guys together?" he asked, indicating one cluster of ghouls.

"Um..." Callisto looked at his miniature, then up at Bigfoot. "Can I?"

The sasquatch grinned. "Sounds like something you need to roll for. But last I checked, you need to see if you can break free of the terror fog."

"Right." Callisto picked up the dice and rolled it. "Does a 15 do it?"

"Yep."

"Cool. I'm going to run in this direction and channel divinity to turn undead."

Bigfoot grunted in disapproval. "Is that all?"

"Hold on." Callisto moved his piece into a group of ghouls and then raised his hands pleadingly toward the roof of the gazebo, where his sister was hanging around. "I call upon the divine might of my god, the lord of the forest, HugeFeet the Magnificent, to fill these beings with the dread of his wrath."

"You forgot your holy symbol," Nima offered.

"Right." Callisto lifted the pendant he was wearing around his neck. It was, in fact, a bronze foot. Mike had no idea where his son had acquired such a thing on short notice, but suspected Tink had helped. "Hear his mighty footsteps and flee!"

"You guys are just feeding Bigfoot's ego," Mike said.

"Quality roleplay is its own reward," Bigfoot replied.

"Is that why you keep giving them bonus rolls?" Mike asked.

"I'm rewarding good storytelling." Bigfoot's lip curled into a grin. "You're still just mad about that incident with the zombie giant."

"My spell should have hit."

Bigfoot shrugged. "Maybe it would have if someone had been willing to actually sing the lyrics of his song of wrath."

Yuki elbowed Mike. "I was really hoping you would," she added. "Along with that dance you described."

"The one Callisto described for me." Mike narrowed his eyes on his son. "I see what this is. It's a shakedown. Let's all pick on Dad even though he's on our team."

"I would never," Callisto stated with false sincerity, then rolled a handful of dice. "Did I turn them?" he asked.

"You did. The ghouls flee away from you as fast as possible." Bigfoot looked at Yuki, who shifted the pieces for him. "Anything else?"

"That's my turn." Callisto turned to Nima. "You're up."

Nima cackled and rubbed his hands together. "Okay, let's see... I get to roll twice, right?" He picked up a pair of dice and tossed them onto the table. Everybody inhaled sharply as both numbers came up as 1. "Ah, right. Critical failure. I guess I have to flee."

The centaur moved his piece, then patted Callisto on the shoulder when he noticed the boy's disappointment. "Sometimes, even with every advantage, you can still fail."

"I guess," Callisto mumbled.

"We still have options." Nima looked up at Grace. He tossed her the dice. "Your turn, bug."

The Arachne nodded, then tossed the dice straight down into her dice tower. They rattled around inside until emerging in the bowl at the bottom. She stared hard at Bigfoot. "Pass," she said.

"You did. What does your wizard do?"

Grace used a long stick to move her piece. It was a wizard with a cat's head. She moved it next to Mike's bard, then pointed her stick at the tight cluster of ghouls.

"Fireball." Grace stuck her hand in the pocket of her dress and threw down a handful of d6s. Each one landed in her dice tower, then spilled out into the tray. Yuki created a magical flame that coated the figurines in harmless fire.

"Good job, bug." Nima saluted Grace as Bigfoot removed several ghouls from the board. He nudged Callisto with his elbow. "You two make a good team."

"Yeah." Callisto grinned, clearly very pleased with himself. "It's your turn, Aunt Yuki."

Mike sat back in his seat and smiled as he watched the rest of the battle play out. A light breeze was making the flowers along the trellis dance back and forth, and the centaurs in the yard were singing a song about running through the reeds. Local fae from the hedgemaze had actually joined in, and it felt like a miniature Renaissance Festival had suddenly sprung up in Mike's yard.

Just as the encounter ended, Bigfoot declared a snack break. He and the kids went into the house to raid the pantry, leaving Mike alone with Yuki and Nima. The old centaur smiled politely at the two of them, but seemed content to stand near the edge of the gazebo with his face turned toward the sun, eyes closed. Mike was fairly certain the guy was catching a standing cat nap.

"This is fun," Yuki said. "I don't know why we don't do something like this more often."

"Bigfoot is usually busy," Mike explained. "He does the same thing I do, just over in Oregon with the Nirumbi and some other sentient cryptids who have requested sanctuary."

"How many of them is he fucking?"

Mike glared at the kitsune, who wore a look of total innocence. "I heard he's got something going on with a swamp monster."

"I'm gonna tell Beth you called her a swamp monster."

"You wouldn't." Mike playfully tugged on the tail closest to him. He was rewarded with a faceful of foxfire, which washed over his face and lightly scorched his shirt collar.

"You're lucky you're fireproof." Yuki pinched him through his shirt, and the two of them started wrestling in the gazebo. Mike had Yuki pinned backward against the railing as a dark figure approached from the corner of his eye. They both looked over to see Death holding a small plastic bag with happy faces on it in one hand and a pair of roller skates in the other.

"Greetings, Mike and Yuki Radley." Death looked the two of them over. "As you are both still dressed, I assume it is socially appropriate to speak with you."

"Of course," Yuki replied, grinding her crotch against Mike's where Death couldn't see. "What's with the bag?"

"Oh, this?" Death held it up. "This is a goodie bag from Latoya's birthday party."

Yuki immediately let Mike go so the two of them could give Death their full attention.

"You were at a birthday party?" Mike asked.

Death nodded. "Over at the Skate Palace. I won the limbo competition."

Mike and Yuki started speaking at the same time, then exchanged a look. He gestured for her to go first.

"Who is Latoya?"

"A lovely young woman I met at the hospital last year," Death replied. The Grim Reaper was known to visit with sick children at the hospital. Somehow, it brought them comfort. "She beat cancer back in February, and she asked her parents to invite me to her birthday party."

"But..." Yuki looked at Mike. It was his turn.

"What did her parents think when you showed up?"

Death grinned. "They thought I was one of the nurses dressed up as Uncle Bones." That was Death's nickname given to him by the children. The staff thought he was just a shared, imaginary friend. "Her mother seemed upset at first, but Latoya was so happy to see me that nobody said anything."

Yuki suppressed a giggle. "So you went to a kid's birthday party?"

"Of course. Is there any reason I shouldn't have?"

Mike honestly didn't have an answer for that. It wasn't like Death was some random adult hanging out with children. The Reaper was kind of a big child himself in most ways. "So you won the limbo competition?"

Death nodded. "It was just supposed to be for the kids. Everybody was really impressed when I made it under that bar. I do regret bringing that six-year-old to tears when I beat her, though, so I gave her my coupon for free nachos."

Mike and Yuki exchanged another look, then did a quick paper-rock-scissors to see who would get to ask the next question. Yuki won.

"How did you beat a little kid in a limbo on roller skates?" she asked.

"I leaned backward without falling. It really isn't that hard." He held the bag out. "You can give this to Grace or Callisto Radley, but not Matilda. I fear she will eat the party favors."

"Probably would." Mike took the bag and looked inside. He pulled out a plastic ring with a gem in it. "Yeah, she wouldn't even bother chewing on this. We busted her eating the buttons off of my shirts last week."

"She is quite the terror." Death chuckled and lifted his skates. "I hope you don't mind, but I did purchase these with your credit card. Kisa Radley gave me her permission."

Mike waved it off. "It's not a problem, buddy. How was the party?"

"Very fun. My robe got caught in my skates a couple of times, though, and I fell."

"You've been spending a lot of time out in public lately." Yuki reached her hand toward the skates, which Death handed to her. She flicked the wheels, which lit up while spinning. "Any reason?"

"I prefer to meet people long before I'm supposed to. It reminds me of why my job is so important." Death grinned at Mike. "There is so much joy to be found in the act of living, Mike Radley. As the harbinger of the end, I have learned to appreciate witnessing life as it happens, and being among those with many years ahead of them. If I could, I would meet everybody and be their friend as I am yours."

"That's a very noble stance to take." Mike smiled. "Though it would stretch you pretty thin. I know I would miss seeing you around if you decided to meet everybody."

Death nodded. "I'm aware of your current situation and wish to avoid a similar one of my own. That is why I try to stick to a social calendar with well-defined boundaries. Meeting new people is indeed fun, but can turn into time that I miss with others. I have no idea how you do it."

"Not well," Yuki muttered, then playfully elbowed Mike to let him know she was only teasing.

"Speaking of such things, did you ever talk to your friend?" Mike asked. "The one who may have thought you were dating?"

"Er...no." Death scratched his chin. "She works a couple of jobs and I haven't gone back to the club yet. Perhaps...I should go tonight, and see if she has a minute to talk. If there is a misunderstanding, I would prefer to clear things up."

"Maybe you should tell her closer to the end of her shift," Mike added. "In case she's upset."

"Though maybe telling her early on would be better." Yuki shrugged when Mike looked at her. "Maybe focusing on work will take the sting out of it." She handed Death his skates. "That's my perspective."

"With differing opinions, I shall ask Kisa Radley what she thinks." Death took his skates. "And maybe see if she will go with me."

"Not a bad plan." Mike watched the Reaper wander toward the house, then gave Yuki a look. "I'm trying really hard to picture him in roller skates."

"I bet those places do private parties." She leaned backward against the railing and grinned. "Could always rent the place out if you wanted. The whole family could go."

He snorted. "Can you imagine how much that would freak out the Order?"

"They won't do anything." She let out a sound of disgust. "They learned the hard way that they should just leave us alone."

"Yeah, but we learned a long time ago that we have to be careful if too many of us are in one place." He pointed up at the sky, referring to the Others. The otherworldly beings were attracted to certain things in high concentrations, such as magic or divinity. They were safe on his property, but other locations would become problematic. "It might be easier to just build a skating rink."

"I bet Ratu could toss something together. Smooth marble floor, have Tink put up some walls."

Mike snorted. "At this point, maybe I should just build an entire other world for everybody. Go somewhere safe where they can never find us."

"I'd start with the skating rink first." She put a hand on his chest, then turned her head as Bigfoot and the kids came back outside. Grace was holding a popsicle in both hands while Callisto munched on a sandwich. "Looks like we're about to find out who the bad guy is who resurrected all those ghouls. My money is on the king's advisor."

"Are we going to interrupt the bad guy's monologue?" he asked. "They love to hear themselves talk."

Yuki laughed. "Of course we will. We're Radleys. That's what we do."

🏠🏠🏠

They had been standing in the lobby for nearly twenty minutes when the chief of staff pushed her way through the doors. Alexandros noticed that the woman walked at a crisp pace with an annoyed look on her face. She stopped several feet away and gave his group a quick survey.

"So I understand that you're with the CDC?" she asked. Her eyes flicked from one person to another in an attempt to gauge who was really in charge. Alexandros noted that her badge identified her as Dr. Lopez.

"Special Task Force," Alexandros replied, then pulled the fake credentials from his pocket. If she were to call the CDC to verify, they already had someone in place who would. "We're here to see Isaac Rodriquez."

Dr. Lopez nodded. "If that's how you want to waste your time and mine, then be my guest."

She led the team through the double doors and down the hallway. After a quick elevator trip, they were now on the third floor of the hospital with a view of the street. Alexandros stood near the window, identifying exit routes out of habit.

On the bed, a man in his twenties was fast asleep. His heart monitor chirped softly in the corner as Dr. Lopez picked up the man's chart.

"Well?" she asked. "Is it everything you hoped it would be?"

"Isaac Rodriquez stepped onto a plane in Hawaii, a healthy, fully functional twenty-seven-year old man." Alexandros didn't need a chart. "Just a few days later, he is in a coma-like state, unable to be sufficiently awakened."

Dr. Lopez shrugged. "And? It could be some sort of sleep disorder. Maybe exhaustion from drinking too much while on vacation and napping in the sun. Medical exhaustion is also an option. I guess I'm not certain why the CDC has such an interest in this."

"Because Isaac Rodriquez is not likely to wake up." Alexandros snapped his fingers and Basil opened the small briefcase he was holding to hand over a thick folder. "We have thirteen other documented cases across the United States, passengers who stumbled off their flights and returned home, only to fall asleep. We have been trying to coordinate our efforts to figure out what they all have in common along with potential pathogen exposure."

This was a lie. Alexandros knew exactly what had caused this. This was nothing more than a fact-finding mission.

"You think a pathogen caused this?" Dr. Lopez frowned.

"I do. We also have evidence that it may be contagious. Who is in charge of your night shift?"

Dr. Lopez shook her head. "He has no other symptoms. Do you really think whatever he has spreads by, what, breathing?"

Dreaming, actually. Alexandros didn't dare say it out loud. "I would like to speak to whoever runs your night shift. We have some questions for people who have been around the patient."

The doctor mumbled something about conspiracy theorists, then walked out the door to make some calls. A nurse came in a few minutes later.

"Dr. Lopez sent me to answer any questions you may have," the woman said. Her ID tag said Nurse Lisa. "I take over for the night shift and may be able to answer them."

"Are there any other patients on this floor who have started sleeping longer than usual?" Alexandros asked. "Or perhaps started having strange dreams?"

The woman cocked her head to one side. "Now that you mention it, we have had a few oddball reports about people seeing..." Lisa shook her head. "Never mind."

"No, please." Alexandros sat in the visitor's chair. "Hallucinations can be an early symptom."

"Well..." Lisa looked over toward the door, then pushed it shut. "The hospital is haunted. I don't know if you knew that."

"I did," Alexandros replied. It was some low rank entities, mostly non-sentient, but he wasn't about to explain that to Lisa. Those things were harmless.

"In the last couple of days, some of the nurses have seen things crawling on the floor, under and behind the beds." Lisa shivered. "A couple of patients have, as well. And we've got an elderly Mexican lady two doors down who refuses to fall asleep. Keeps saying that La Pisadeira will get her if she does."

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