Chapter 5

Chapter 5

NOT WISHING TO GO HOME, I went back only to greet Miss Bobtail after school, heading straight to Skank-san’s house with my backpack still in tow. We walked along our usual riverside path towards the square, cream-colored building, but did not sing as we usually did.

We climbed the stairs and headed to the end of the second floor, stood before the door, and pressed the doorbell. I heard the sound of the bell from within, but there were no other sounds. No matter how many times I pressed the button, Skank-san did not appear. Apparently she was out today. Nothing to be done about that. Adults were busy, after all.

We went partway back along the route home before heading toward the usual hill. This time, on the rising path through the park where we often saw Kiriyuu’s father, I chose to turn right toward Granny’s house. I had gone to see Minami-san yesterday, so I decided I should see Granny first today. I climbed the hill alongside my glossy-furred friend, dabbing the sweat from my forehead. If I could see a friendly face and chat with them, perhaps my heart would feel a bit lighter. However, Granny’s home brought no joy to my heart either. No matter how many times I knocked on the great wooden door, I never heard any voice in reply.

I sighed and looked down at my tiny little friend. “All the adults have abandoned me,” I said.

“Meow.”

And so I had no option left but to visit Minami-san, the adult who was closest to me in age.

We descended the hill, and this time climbed the left-hand stairs. My little black-furred friend was as chipper as ever, springing along lightly. However, as the minutes ticked by, my own body felt heavier and heavier, as though I was being filled with lead balls.

When we opened the iron gate and climbed the rest of the stairs, reaching the clearing at the top. There sat the large, frigid box as always, as though it had simply been plopped down in the middle of the field.

When I entered the box and climbed the stairs, Minami-san was waiting for me. I sat down beside her, saying nothing. Miss Bobtail took up her usual position on Minami-san’s lap. That was when I realized that Minami-san seemed different from usual. Although it was a bit rude of me, I pushed her bangs out of her face. Behind them, her eyes were gently shut.

“Minami-san?” I said.

She opened them slowly, as gently as opening a cake box. She met my gaze with only one eye.

“Yo.”

“Salutations,” I replied. “This seems like a really nice place for a nap.”

“I had that same dream again…”

“Which dream is that?”

“A dream about when I was a child. I have it a lot. Was school fun today?”

“Nope, not at all.”

“Figured. You don’t look like you had any fun.”

Although I did not think she was looking at me, she must have been watching secretly from behind her long bangs. I didn’t wish to discuss how I was feeling, so I decided to change the subject. I figured that if we talked about something I liked, my face would light up enough that she would not be able to tell. Just as the scars on Minami-san’s wrists appeared to be fading, I was sure those lead balls would disappear.

“I’ve been thinking,” I said.

“About why elementary school isn’t fun? You can’t have fun all day long.”

“That is true, but that’s not it. I was thinking…what if you showed your story to one of those places that publish books?”

In a rare move, she looked directly at me with a startled look. “What’re you sayin’ all of a sudden?”

“I realized that the reason lots of people can’t read your story is because it’s only written down in your special notebook, which means that no one can read it without coming here. So, you should get it made into a book. Then your story will be in the library and I can show it to Skank-san and Granny.”

“Who’s this ‘Skank’?”

“My friend.”

“You’ve got some weird friends.”

“She’s not weird. She’s a wonderful person. She works as a lady in a midnight court. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Minami-san’s mouth twisted up strangely. “Do you always hang out with weirdos?” she asked.

“Probably,” I replied, mimicking her, mimicking me, mimicking her.

“You have a wonderful job too, Minami-san. If the people at the companies who make books read your story, I’m sure they’d be all over you. Then you could write stories every day. You could create another world in the hearts of people all around the world, just like Mark Twain, or Saint-Exupéry.”

“Easy for a brat like you to say.”

“And you can write books at home too, so you can have a family, and have a kid, and you could play with them, and go on trips with them, and go to their class observation days, and they would never be lonely.”

Suddenly, every fragment of my heart came spilling out. She brushed it all aside with a gentle sigh. “Ain’t that easy, brat.”

“Yes, it’s very hard. Writing wonderful stories, that is. That’s why I want more people to know about you and the wonderful things you write.”

She heaved an even deeper sigh than before. “Listen,” she said, in a tone that could be read as either anger or sadness. “The stories I write aren’t that amazing. I just like putting words on the page. There are people in this world who are way more talented than me. You’ll realize that soon. The stuff I write just isn’t that interesting.”

She spoke as though she had just swallowed something bitter.

“I…could never be an author,” she said.

I took in the meaning of her words in the most childish way. I tilted my head. “What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense.”

“What about it?”

“You’re already an author, aren’t you?”

This time it was Minami’s turn to tilt her head, but I could not figure out why.

“Authors are called that because they author a new world in people’s hearts, aren’t they? Which means that, while I’m not an author yet, you already are. You’ve created a wonderful new world in my heart.”

Of course, even a child like me was aware that people worked jobs to earn money, and that people who were called authors received money from selling books. However, in truth, it did not occur to me that “author” was the name of a profession. The idea that writing stories and selling books were connected was beyond my imagination.

In my mind, authors were not people who sold books, but wonderful people who created worlds of the heart. As far as I was concerned, Minami-san’s name was now firmly among them. Thus, what she said baffled me.

Minami seemed to understand this as well. She breathed in and out in silence, then she smiled just with her mouth. “That so?”

“It is. That’s why we need to get your story made into a book, so that everyone can read it.”

She offered no reply. Instead, she simply looked ahead, smiling. I was filled with happiness at the thought that she might make use of my idea, and formed the same expression as her, looking up at the sky as it unfolded.

However, this feeling of joy did not last for long.

“What is happiness?” Minami asked, just when I thought the sky above might just swallow me up. “Do you have an answer yet? About what happiness is?”

My eyes fell to the concrete floor, suddenly forced to recall the thing I had been trying to forget. “It’s fine, that’s over.”

“So you found an answer?”

“No. But, that’s over now.”

“What the heck does that mean? Dang, and here I had an answer for you.”

I was stunned to hear this. Even though I had tried to say I didn’t care about this anymore, I couldn’t help but be interested.

“What? Tell me!”

“But you said it was over now.”

“Yeah it is, but I still want to know your answer!”

She looked meaningfully through her bangs and into my eyes, then away and out into the sky. She spoke her heartfelt words as though simply placing them on the rooftop.

“Having someone recognize you. To say that it’s okay for you to be here,” she said.

I tilted my head. “Here? You mean on the roof? Did you get permission from the building owner?”

“Probably,” she said, mimicking my mimicry of her mimicking me when I mimicked her.

I still did not understand the meaning of her answer. I would just have to search for my own answer. As I told her about the new book I had started reading, the sky grew red and the wind grew cooler, and before I knew it I heard the faraway sound of a bell chiming.

“Yo, time to go home, brat,” she said, but I did not stand, nor call to my four-legged friend as I usually did.

“Don’t you have to go home?” she asked.

“I don’t want to go home.”

“Look, don’t worry your folks.”

“I don’t care.”

Minami-san giggled. “They mad at you?”

“They aren’t mad. We had a fight.”

She looked at me, still smiling.

How rude, I thought fleetingly, there was nothing funny about this.

“Listen, brat. When you get home, your mom’s gonna be making dinner for you, like always. A delicious dinner, like it always is. And when you’re eating it, you’re gonna say just one thing: ‘Sorry about yesterday.’”

“I don’t wanna.”

“You’re a stubborn one, eh?”

“But she was the one who was wrong here.”

“It doesn’t matter what the reason for the fight was.”

The way she was talking irritated me. “But it’s a really big deal! Mother and Father are always, always breaking promises to me, saying it’s because of work.”

“Work is a lot more important than you think.”

“I know that. It’s super important. More important than your own children.”

“That ain’t it.”

“Then why is it they always decide that their work is more important than their promises to me? It was the same way this time. She said that they can’t come to my observation day because they have to go on a business trip.”

“Wh—”

Just as Minami-san was about to say something, a strong wind blew up. The sudden breeze forced me to shut my eyes. When the wind decided it was finished playing with my long hair, I slowly opened them again to look at her.

It was only a few seconds. The wind had stolen but a few seconds. I had no idea what might have happened in that scant amount of time.

“Minami…san?”

She looked like a mimosa plant. I was sure she would shrink away if I touched her. The smile that she had been wearing had completely disappeared from her face. I was stunned at this unheralded transformation.

“What’s…wrong?” I asked her clearly.

But she did not reply. She only shook her head back and forth, quietly. Perhaps she wished to say “It’s nothing,” but even a child could tell that it was.

“Hey, Minami-san?”

“Yo, Nanoka.”

Her voice was trembling and she said my name in that trembling voice. It was the first time she had ever called me anything but “brat.” I got a weird feeling. I did not know why she was shaking, nor why she had said my name.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nanoka…promise me one thing.”

She ignored my question. Instead, she faced me head on, gripping me by the shoulders. Seeing her straight-on, her eyes were a color I had never seen before.

“P-promise?” I repeated.

“A promise. Or, a request from me, anyway. Listen.”

“What’s going on, Minami-san?”

“Just listen. Just one thing. When you go home, you have to make up with your parents.”

I couldn’t understand the meaning of this request. I shook my head.

“Look,” she continued. “I understand how you feel. I’m sure you’re hurt, lonely. Knowing you, I’m sure you said something terrible. I know that you wanna stand your ground, that you can’t back down. You still gotta apologize today. Tell them, ‘I’m sorry.’”

“I-I don’t want to. That’s not—”

“You’ll regret it forever if you don’t!”

Her voice cut through me like the wind, and now I was trembling. I shivered, looked at Minami-san’s face, and shivered once more. She was angry. For some reason, I got the feeling that her anger wasn’t directed solely at me.

I was completely lost. Ignoring my distress, she kept talking, saying more things that I did not understand.

“I…regret it. I’ve always regretted it. Why didn’t I apologize back then? Now we can never even have a fight again. They can never get mad at me again. We can never…eat dinner together…again.”

“Minami-san…what are you saying?”

“I can never apologize to them. So, I’m begging you.”

A tear cut down Minami-san’s cheek. As far as I was aware, adults never cried simply to startle children. Perhaps she realized that she was crying, because she tried to conceal it—dabbing her eyes furiously with her sleeve.

“Listen,” she said. “Life is a story that you write yourself.”

Although she mimicked my usual words, I did not immediately understand. I tilted my head, asking what others usually asked me. “What do you mean?”

“With revisions and corrections, you can rewrite a happy ending with your own hand. Listen, I’m not saying that you should never have fights. I’m just saying that I wish I had known, back then, that making up is just as much a part of a fight as the fighting. But because you’re so clever, I’m sure you’ll understand. Your mother was just as sad as you were when she found out that she couldn’t attend your observation day. She was just as disappointed to learn that she couldn’t spend time with you. That’s why she worked so hard to make all your favorite foods, to be sure that she could eat dinner with you. And I’m sure you can understand why your father always makes sure to buy things that you really want for your birthday.”

I thought about what she’d said. About my mother, who would come home just to eat dinner with me before she went back out, even though she was not yet finished with work. My father, who traveled far away just to buy the plush toy that I really wanted, since none of the shops nearby had it. Hearing a warm send-off at my back as I left this morning, even though I had been too angry still to say a word, or eat any of the breakfast that had been made for me.

I remembered.

“I don’t want you to lose a chance to ever see them again without having made up, like I did,” she said.

At those words, I finally understood. I knew why she was crying.

“So promise me. It’s okay if you can’t do it today. Tomorrow’s fine. But you have to make up with them. You can’t turn back time.”

She pushed her bangs away and looked me straight in the eyes. It was the first time I saw her whole face. It was as clear as Skank-san’s, and as kind as Granny’s. It was beautiful.

I was not the sort of child to make light of a request from a friend. However, nor was I so thick-headed that I could banish all thoughts of last night that easily. And so I thought about it. I thought long, and I thought hard. I churned the gears of my tiny brain as hard as I could.

What was right? What was clever? What was kind?

And then, when I had thought it through, I looked Minami-san in the face, and nodded. “All right. I promise.”

The last tear fell from the corner of her eye. “Thank you.”

“But you have to promise me something too,” I said.

Now it was Minami’s turn to look curious. “You want me to put out a book?” she asked.

“Yes, that too. But it’s something else. I want you to promise me. You understand what happiness is, don’t you? But you also told me that you weren’t happy. I can’t stand for my friends not to be happy. So, please. Rewrite your story too.”

Seeing her cry, I remembered the handkerchief she had given me, and how I had prayed for her happiness. That my friends would always have a smile on their faces.

Minami-san was dumbfounded at my request. However, she grinned and nodded. “I promise. Yeah, it’s a promise.”

We put our little fingers together and curled them in a pinky swear, my golden-eyed friend watching over us. I’m sure that Miss Bobtail had no idea what was going on. Honestly, I still had no idea why Minami-san was so concerned about my mother. However, I did know why I needed to make up with her.

“See you later,” said Minami-san as my friend and I departed the rooftop.

Normally, she only waved at us, but today she watched us leave. I was so happy that I grinned back at her. Today, Minami and I had become better friends than ever. I was thrilled.

I rushed home more quickly than usual. I could tell by the blue car parked outside the building that my mother was already home. I bid my little friend farewell, and took one deep breath. Then, I rode the elevator to the tenth floor where we lived, walked down the hall, and stood before our door. I took another breath. I had to open up my heart. Sadness, loneliness, hurt, and all those other bad guys—I had to push them to the edges. Then, I told myself, I could stuff myself full of good feelings. Again and again, I thought of Minami-san’s face.

Once I was ready, I took several more breaths, then stopped with my lungs still full of air. Just like that, I unlocked the door, turned the knob, and let my voice ring out loud into the apartment, blowing all the air out from my chest.

“I’m home!”

It was afternoon break, after lunch. The classroom was normally filled with the boisterous voices of those idiot boys, but today, the adults’ voices sounded like the tittering of little birds.

I already knew that it was class observation day, a special event, but when I actually arrived the atmosphere was far more unpleasant than I imagined. With no idea what to do with myself, I simply put my head down on my desk. Perhaps assuming that I was not feeling well, Kiriyuu-kun called out to me.

“K-Koyanagi-san…are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for asking…”

“Is your mother coming? Or your father?”

Honestly, the one time he opens his mouth, I thought, but I held my tongue.

“Neither one could come. They had work.”

“O-oh, I see.”

“Did your father come today?”

“No, he had to work, so my mom came. It was his day off when we ran into you at the river that time.”

Perhaps it was the joy of having his mother around that had Kiriyuu-kun so talkative? Frankly, I thought that was wonderful. I didn’t wish to keep talking about painful things, so I decided not to ask him whether his father’s job had anything to do with the park.

Finally, class began and Hitomi-sensei had us do our greetings. The chorus was louder than usual, and it was obvious that everyone else was showing off for their parents.

“You all have a lot of energy today,” Hitomi-sensei said, so she must have thought it was out of the ordinary as well.

For today’s lesson, we were to present our thoughts about happiness. One by one, starting from the front of the classroom, we stood and spoke about our thoughts.

Kiriyuu-kun and I sat in the last row, so we came last. Because we sat in the back, I could hear many of the parents chattering to one another, and I wondered why Hitomi-sensei did not admonish them for it.

I listened silently to the other presentations, wondering if one of them might give me some hint as to my own happiness. However, they were of no help. All they had to offer were things like sweets and playing, all the ideas that I had already thought of and summarily discarded. I was not surprised to hear that Ogiwara-kun was the only to mention books.

As it grew closer to my turn, finally it came to Kiriyuu-kun.

I was an idiot to think he might mention drawing, to have even a sliver of hope about it. He stood timidly, his written composition in hand, and gave the same boring answer as the kid three places before him.

“Coward,” I muttered.

I have no idea if my voice reached him as he sat back down. However, as usual, he said nothing. Now, it was my turn.

I stood slowly. I looked at the sheet Hitomi-sensei had handed out for us to write our answers. I looked squarely at the sheet, so that I would not misread it. The very first sentence of my composition was:

I still don’t know what happiness is.

It was not that I had skipped out on my homework simply because my parents were not coming. I had thought long and hard about it. When I considered the answer Minami-san had given me, I just remembered her crying. Even so, I lacked the words to describe the shape of the feeling that had planted itself deep in my heart. I could not tell a lie, either. So I thought and I thought, and I settled on this.

I looked at Hitomi-sensei’s smiling face, and at Kiriyuu-kun with his head hung, and Ogiwara-kun looking at me. I raised my composition in my hands and began to read. Or rather, I tried to.

Just then, there was the sound of someone running down the hallway. Clack clack clack. It was not the sound of the indoor slippers that any of us wore. Honestly, did adults forget that they weren’t supposed to run in the hallways? I decided to ignore the aberrant sound and read my presentation.

However, I could not do that. The noise stopped just before our classroom, and the back door opened rudely.

Goodness, who is this interrupting my presentation? I thought, but instead of issuing a warning to this dreadful adult, a brilliant smile leapt to Hitomi-sensei’s face.

“You’re just in time!”

Just in time for what? I thought, tilting my head.

For some reason, Hitomi-sensei’s beaming smile, which had been directed at the back of the class, turned on me.

On instinct, I turned to look. And then, I turned back around. Then, with the same expression on my face as on Hitomi-sensei’s, I gave my presentation.

“My happiness is right here and now, with my mother and father here!”

Ah, I had broken my promise to Skank-san. And here I had told her that I was going to show my parents just how clever I was. I was unable to give anything but the answer I had come up with right on the spot, just like those other idiot children.

However, there was not a single lie. Because I had not prepared it beforehand, my presentation was shorter than everyone else’s. Even so, Hitomi-sensei was beaming and applauding.

“I talked with your father about how much I wanted to go, and we ended up getting the afternoon off,” my mother told me that evening, as the three of us ate dinner together for the first time in a while. They had offered to take me to a restaurant, but I told them that I wanted to eat my mother’s cooking. She forgave my selfishness with a smile.

I will have to thank Minami-san, I thought as I ate a big, tasty croquette, determined to head to the rooftop with my tiny friend as soon as school was over tomorrow.

The next day, I met up with my black-furred friend as soon as school ended, and headed for the hill. Normally at this point I would have to decide who to go see, puzzling over it like a menu at a restaurant, but today my destination was set.

As usual, there were smaller children running around the park at the bottom of the hill. Normally, I would be jealous of them spending time with their mothers at the park, but today was different. I already knew that my parents loved me.

I quickly chose the stairs to the left. The sun was burning with all its might, but was not the only cause of the sweat that dotted my forehead. It was because my head was burning with excitement at the thought of seeing Minami-san.

As I climbed the stairs, we passed by someone else. Could it be the owner of that building? If that was the case, I had to thank them for letting us use it all the time. However, I considered the possibility that he might get mad at us for that, and instead only said, “Hello,” to the suited old man.

He gave me a strange look, but returned a gentle “Hello.”

Why was it that adults always looked at you strangely when you greeted them, despite telling children that they should greet everyone they see?

Not long after that, the old iron gate came into sight. Normally it was open, but sometimes it was shut as though someone had come by to check on it.

Today, it was shut, and a sight I had not seen before unfolded before me. Normally, I could see up the stairs beyond, but today the stairs were hidden by two adults.

What was going on? I walked straight up to the adults to ask what was happening. One of the pair, a man who looked older than my father, turned to me.

“Sorry to interrupt your walk, little lady, but you can’t go past here.”

“Really? How come?”

“Up through here is a construction site. It’s dangerous, so we can’t let anyone through.”

I tilted my head. “Construction?”

“There’s an old building up at the top there. It’s falling apart, dangerous, so it’s gonna be torn down.”

There was only one old building at the top of those stairs.

“Y-you can’t!” I shouted, without thinking.

The adults looked shocked.

“Was that place a secret base of yours?” the man asked. “I’m sorry, but that place really is dangerous. If you play there, it might collapse right on top of you.”

Secret base. That was the perfect word to describe the atmosphere of that place. I was so disappointed to only learn this most fitting term just as the place was about to be destroyed. More than anything, I feared the look of sadness on Minami-san’s face.

“Say, did a high school girl come by here today?”

“A high-schooler? Nah, haven’t seen any. Yo, you see anyone?” the older man asked.

The younger man just shook his head. “Were you supposed to meet her here?”

“Yeah, I was. So, was this construction decided by whoever owns the building?”

“Hm? Yeah, that’s right.”

Nothing to be done for it, then, I thought. Even a child knew that it was up to the owner whether something was to be treasured or destroyed. If possible, I’d hoped for it to be treasured, but no adult would care about the wishes of a little kid whom they had never even met.

I was incredibly disappointed, but I knew that I couldn’t give up. “Hey, I’ve got something to ask you,” I asked the kind, smiling old man.

“What’s that?”

“If a high school student named Minami-san comes up here, can you tell her I’ll be at the big house up at the top of the hill?”

“It’s a promise.”

I wrapped my pinky around the old man’s and climbed back down the stairs with Miss Bobtail, heading for Granny’s house.

I waited there all afternoon for Minami-san, eating Granny’s sweets, but soon it was time to go home and she had still not shown up. She did not come the next day, or the next, and even though I told Granny to tell me if she ever showed up, it never happened.

A short time later, I traveled to the clearing where Minami-san’s building had been, but there was nothing but rubble. The disappointment tasted like a bowl of corn soup without a single piece of corn in it.

I would never again be able to meet with Minami-san here.

That got me thinking about a number of odd things. The first was that, though we lived in the same town, not once had I ever passed Minami-san on the street, nor even a single high school girl wearing the same uniform. The second was that the handkerchief I had received from her, which I had stored carefully away in my desk, had vanished. No matter how hard I looked, I could not find it. I began to feel a despair that went beyond despair.

The final thing was the most peculiar. No matter how much I talked about Minami-san’s story, I couldn’t remember a single thing about it. I had been so moved. I had seen such a wonderful new world, and I remembered the feeling of deepest satisfaction, but no matter how deeply I searched my brain, I had not a single memory of the contents.

I knew from reading stories that mysteries were wondrous things, but the mysteries born from my time with Minami-san only left me scratching my head.

And that was how Minami-san and I came to part.