I ← Have ↑ A → Secret ↓
DEAR FUTURE ME, Ten Years From Now:
Nice to see you again. For me it’s summer break—what about you? Do you have the day off from work today?
Do you remember writing this letter? I think you probably do. I can’t imagine what sort of person you are now, but regardless, I have a feeling you still remember this letter. Sorry if I’m wrong about that.
Are you
Three days had passed since I stopped writing mid-sentence. Somehow, I just couldn’t think of anything else to write.
Though it was a Saturday during summer break, and I had no supplementary lessons to attend, we third-years still had important business to take care of. Thus, I resigned myself to yet another day at the library.
When I arrived early that morning, I found I wasn’t the only one here to prep for entrance exams. In the study room, I spotted an empty four-person table and sat there. Then, after about two hours of concentrated math practice, I decided to take a break from it and pulled out my letter. Surely today I would think of something else to write. I sat there for ten minutes, pen in hand…but nothing came to mind.
It was hard to write a letter to myself (especially my future self) when I’d never even written any to a friend. I didn’t even know what colleges I wanted to apply to a few months from now—how was I supposed to know what my life would look like in ten years? Nevertheless, I only had a week left to write this letter and turn it in…
Right as I contemplated what to do about it, I saw a hand grab the chair across the table from mine.
“Oh, good morning, Kyou-kun,” I whispered.
“Good morning, Miyazato-san,” he whispered back. Then he sat down opposite me, unpacked his bookbag, and started studying.
In the months since our third year of high school began, we had met up at the library almost every weekend. These days, we skipped the small talk. I put my letter away, then decided to switch gears and study history for a while. No way could I possibly write anything with an audience present.
Another two hours of concentrated study passed, interspersed with the occasional bathroom break or sipping of a drink. Looking at the clock, it was now almost 1 PM. After a hushed conversation with Kyou-kun, the two of us decided to leave the library to grab lunch together—our reward for being early birds this morning. Again, this was nothing new, so we didn’t dwell on it very long.
As we stepped outside, we were assaulted by everything the library walls had blocked out: namely, the heat and the wail of the cicadas. I could feel it all rushing over my exposed skin. My heart raced, and I stretched my arms out wide.
Every time we went out for lunch, we always went to the same place: the food court at the local supermarket, just a five-minute walk from the library. They had a McDonald’s, a takoyaki stand, an udon stand, and…that was about it, but it was still enough variety to keep us coming back twice a week. And since we were just here last weekend, the menu hadn’t changed at all.
If anything had changed, it was…this.
“Ack! I’m sorry!”
Kyou-kun seemed to be lost in thought; he went to take his change back from the McDonald’s cashier and ended up dropping his coins all over the floor. I watched him from a distance as I stood in line at the udon stand. This had been happening a lot lately, and I was starting to wonder if something was going on. Did something happen between him and Mickey? Whenever I noticed him acting unstable, that was usually the reason behind it.
While his French fries were still frying, I received my kitsune udon and sat down at a table to wait for him. A few moments later, he walked over with a sheepish smile on his face, carrying his combo meal.
“Well, that was embarrassing.”
Yeah, I could tell.
“What’s going on, Kyou-kun? This keeps happening to you lately,” I commented without cushioning my words. He was unaware that I knew who he had a crush on.
“Uhhh…it’s nothing,” he replied evasively.
“Oh, so it’s a secret.”
“No, seriously, it’s nothing.”
“Okay, so it’s a secret. Got it.”
He frowned at me. Lately I’d discovered how much fun it could be to bully him. (But just him. At least, for now.) As I looked at him with a smirk on my face, he hastily changed the subject.
“Oh yeah, I was wondering: that letter you were writing at the library—is that the one for the time capsule?”
“Yup, you guessed it. But I can’t think of anything to write, so I haven’t made any progress. Did you finish yours?”
“No, not yet. It’s really hard to picture what I’ll be like ten years from now.”
“Same! I can’t even picture what I’ll be like at twenty. Maybe I’ll be in love with someone. What about you?”
“Wha? Uhh…hmmm…”
He was terrible at playing it cool.
For a moment, I considered telling him outright that I knew. That way, he’d have someone he could vent to. Maybe then I could help him with his problems, and he wouldn’t force the poor McDonald’s lady to watch him pick up every single loose coin off the floor. Yeah…it wasn’t good for us college hopefuls to have other problems distracting us from our studies.
But right as I went to name Kyou’s crush—the one I had spent the past several months pretending I didn’t know about—out of nowhere, he glanced over my shoulder. Then an arrow shot out of his body and straight through me.
Ah, we’ve got company.
“What is it?” I asked, turning to look.
Sure enough, it was Mickey and Looney, on their way out of the supermarket, each of them carrying an ice cream bar. I wasn’t good at shouting, but I waved at them aggressively. Looney was the first to notice me, and she raised her hand in return. There was an arrow shooting out of her, too.
Then Mickey finally noticed what Looney was looking at. She waved at me eagerly. At the same time, an arrow fired out of her and straight through me, skewering me like one of those eel kebabs they showed on the cooking channel yesterday. Unlike the eels, however, I was fine. I gestured to a nearby vacant four-person table, and the two of us moved our stuff over there.
Kyou-kun and I sat across from each other. Then Mickey jogged up and sat down next to me. “Goooood morning!”
A beat later, Looney walked up, nibbling on her watermelon pop. She sat down next to Kyou-kun. “I see the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree,” she announced spontaneously, in lieu of a proper greeting.
At this, Kyou-kun and Mickey both gave her a look that said What are you talking about? In Mickey’s case, she literally said it out loud, too. “What are you talking about?”
As for me, I could kind of see what Looney was getting at, but I wasn’t entirely confident I had it right. Nevertheless, I decided to wager a guess:
“Are you saying…the watermelon pop tastes like watermelon?”
“I should have known you would understand me, Miyazato-chan. As for the rest of you, you need to start paying attention. Honestly, you’re both a couple of morons. You should hook up.”
I was relieved to know I had guessed right, but also startled by how far she took the joke. The other two must have gotten even more flustered than me, because they both started to panic and change the subject with a “That reminds me.” This caused the conversation to come to a standstill.
Smirking, Looney looked at me. Our eyes met, and I giggled.
As my two friends continued to be adorably nervous, I decided to eat my kitsune udon before the noodles got soggy.
After lunch, we stayed at the library until 6 PM. Looney left on foot, since she lived in the neighborhood, while Mickey headed eastward on her bike. And with that, it was just me and Kyou-kun again. Our houses were in the same direction, so whenever we met up at the library, we’d always walk home together afterwards.
Once we were alone, Kyou-kun let out a small breath. It always made me a teensy bit giddy to know that he was comfortable enough to let his guard down around me. Likewise, whenever it was just the two of us, I could feel myself relax…but I could never admit it out loud, of course, since it’d be awkward.
“Mickey was her usual rowdy self today, wasn’t she?”
“Yep. Rain or shine, she’s always full of energy.”
And rain or shine, whenever I mentioned Mickey, Kyou-kun always responded eagerly. In a way, I was sincerely impressed. I’d never crushed that hard in all my life.
Oh, that’s right. Before they showed up, I was going to tell him I know about his crush. Almost forgot… Yeah, I guess I should go ahead and tell him now.
With that decision made, I looked over at him.
“So…”
We both spoke in perfect unison. For a moment we stared at each other in wide-eyed surprise, but then we burst out laughing, and I gestured for Kyou-kun to go first. “Go for it.”
“Thanks. So, um…I wanted to get your thoughts on something… I mean, it’s totally fine if you don’t have the answer, but…well…um…mind if I go ahead and ask anyway?”
“Sure.” I was flattered that he came to me for advice.
“Okay, so, the thing is…I was told I should apply to the same college as Miki-san. Do you think I should go for it?”
“Who told you that?”
“Miki-san herself. She sorta dropped it on me out of nowhere, and I wasn’t sure what she meant by it, so I kinda wanted to get a girl’s perspective…”
Did I roll my eyes at him for worrying about something a lot of people would see as a first-world problem? No. After all, I’d probably have the same reaction myself if I were in his shoes. But at the very least, this explained why he seemed so distracted lately.
“Well, I’m not sure… What about your major?”
“She gave me a brochure, and it’s listed right on there.”
“Okay then, why not go for it?”
“Mmmm… Well, their admission standards are a bit higher than my top choice…”
“Just study extra hard!”
“…Mostly I’m just confused why she would tell me now of all times. Maybe this is another one of Sensei’s schemes…”
He used to only refer to Looney by this nickname because she demanded it, but these days, he seemed to enjoy it. As far as I could tell, there was no deeper significance to it, but I still found it kind of funny.
“Anyway, what were you going to say?”
Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded if he chose to keep venting to me, but instead he dutifully offered me the chance to take my turn. You better not regret asking, I thought to myself playfully as I decided to reveal my big secret: that I knew his big secret.
“I mean, setting Looney aside, wouldn’t it mean a lot to you if you could attend the same college as Mickey?”
I was so sure he would look at me in surprise. I was prepared to take it all in. But his reaction ran counter to my expectations.
“Uh…well, yeah, it would,” he mumbled, like it was a perfectly ordinary question.
“Wait—you’re not surprised that I know how you feel?”
“…What? Wait, what?”
My excitement deflated. “Darn it! I could have been teasing you about it all this time!”
“Please don’t… Zuka and Sensei already tease me enough as it is. Just keep pretending you have no clue.”
“No way! C’mon, it’s awesome that she invited you to go to the same school as her. Maybe you should make plans to confess your feelings! Be like ‘Just FYI, I’m going to ask you out after exams are over’ or something!”
“If I said that, I’d literally be confessing my feelings right then and there…”
“Perfect! Then go for it!”
“Oh God, is this how you’re going to tease me? I was planning to blame Zuka and Sensei if I failed my exams, but at this rate, it might just be your fault, too.”
“That could work, too. ‘I’ll be there next year, so just wait for me.’”
“Wow, you want me to fail? Some friend you are!”
Kyou buried his face in his hands and pretended to be devastated. At first it made my heart skip a beat, but then he started laughing to let me know he wasn’t serious. Likewise, I grinned so he knew he hadn’t made me feel bad.
“Does it really matter why Mickey wants you at her college? Why not just go for it?”
“Mmmm… I’m not sure I should interpret it that literally…”
“You know she’s not the type to speak in riddles.”
He seemed to pick up on the unspoken “unlike you or me” I’d left off the end of my statement. But Mickey’s blunt honesty was one of the things he loved about her—like, really loved. I got secondhand embarrassment just thinking about it.
“It’s not that. I just wonder if there’s more to it that she’s hiding from me.”
Ohhhh. He was probably thinking back to the shampoo thing. Sorry, my fault. But I knew my apology wouldn’t do much to make up for it, so instead I decided to clue him in on something.
“I don’t think she really has time for mind games right now. You know how she is—whenever she sets her sights on something, she makes a beeline straight for it.”
“Yeah, her tunnel vision is something else. She doesn’t even notice Sensei messing with her anymore… Maybe she gets it from all those 100-meter sprints she used to do.”
He probably had no clue just how happy he looked whenever he was talking about Mickey. But if I pointed it out, he’d probably never talk about her again out of shyness, so I kept it to myself for another day.
And I didn’t correct the record about his little misunderstanding, either.
She wasn’t hiding anything. It was blatantly obvious. Kyou-kun simply hadn’t noticed because, like me, a lack of self-confidence meant the possibility hadn’t ever occurred to him. But that’s the only thing keeping this cat in the bag, Mickey.
It was the first I’d heard about the college thing, but I suspected the idea might have been Looney’s originally. So on Monday, after my supplementary lessons were over and after the library had closed, I decided to ask her myself.
“You know the word caution doesn’t exist in Miki-chan’s dictionary,” Looney said. “She marked it out with a Sharpie. Just like she did with the word assistance.”
“So you had nothing to do with it?”
“Nothing, I tell you! So that’s why Kyou’s all fidgety, I take it. I swear, they’re so childish. Want a Pino?”
“Oh, sure, I’ll take one.”
She ripped open the package she’d bought at the corner store and popped three of them into her mouth, one after another. Then she handed me the entire box. “Hyou canh haf da resht.” This wasn’t the first time she had done this, so I gratefully accepted, using the little plastic mini-fork to dig in. Lately I’d come to understand that modesty had no place among friends.
As we slowly made our way home, the sun’s rays felt a little bright for 6 PM.
“In a way, it’s only a secret to Mickey and Kyou-kun,” I mused. “Like a backwards T-shirt—they’re the only ones who can’t see it.”
“Spoken like a true poet! I agree, it does feel sort of backwards that everyone knows except them. Like going to see a musical, but they only show you what’s happening backstage… Yep, that analogy makes no sense whatsoever. Good job, me.”
For some people, ice cream tasted better in the summer. But for Looney, every day was just as fun as the one that came before.
“I’m surprised she didn’t talk to you about it,” I continued.
“Is it not expected, my dear?” Looney asked in a theatrical voice. “That girl is as pure as the driven snow. She would be all too embarrassed to mention it of her own volition…despite how painfully obvious it is.”
“Painful is an understatement,” I nodded.
“But they each believe their secret is safe, and at the very least, neither one of them knows about the other’s. But like with a time capsule, we cannot allow them to forget what they’ve buried!”
“I’m impressed you can say that with a straight face.”
She sidled up close to me, her expression still perfectly emotionless. She had a point, though—every adult I had spoken to about time capsules had told me they’d forgotten where theirs was buried. Probably because too much time had passed, allowing them to get distracted with other things. And it would be tragic if that happened to Mickey and Kyou-kun.
“Ideally,” Looney said, “I’d like them to confirm their feelings to each other at least once…but if Miki-chan’s only just now managed to invite Kyou to her college, then you know she’s not going to make a move until after exams are over.”
“Totally.”
“SO LET’S CHANGE THE SCRIPT!”
“Whoa!”
Whenever Looney shouted like that, she always made me flinch. One of the neighborhood cats woke from its nap and ran away, but she paid it no mind.
“You know those letters we’re supposed to write to our future selves for the time capsules? What if we wrote four different letters to each person in the group?”
“What? And then give them to each other ten years from now?”
“Nah. I want these letters to be completely, brutally honest. Then, when we dig up the time capsule, we’ll just re-read them ourselves. That way we can get a kick out of how our opinions of our friends have changed over time…and that way we can get Kyou and Miki-chan to write down their honest feelings. Once they put those emotions into words, they’ll never forget.”
“Oh, I get it,” I nodded, clapping my hands together in understanding. “Wait, but…has everyone else already finished their letters to themselves? Because I haven’t.”
“Well then, that works out perfectly. To be honest, I doubt anyone’s finished theirs. I know I sure can’t think of anything to say to my future self.”
“What? But it was your idea!”
“I’m all talk and no action. Somebody get me a career in politics, am I right?”
She seemed to find this hilarious. Admittedly, I wasn’t all that upset myself. After all, it sounded way easier to write letters to everyone else instead—and a lot more fun, too. Since we wouldn’t be sharing them, we could be as honest as we wanted.
As I contemplated who to write to first, Looney snickered with a knowing grin on her face. “This way, even Mr. Suave might actually remember what’s important to him! Oh, uh, disregard that. I didn’t say it on purpose just to make you mull over it in the back of your mind.”
“Wha… Hey, no fair!”
As I frowned in puzzlement, she looked at me and laughed even harder. What sort of person would she be in ten years’ time? I was really looking forward to writing to her.
By “Mr. Suave,” she probably meant Zuka-kun… What’s the story there?
But before I knew it, it was time to go our separate ways.
In the end, the only person who actively opposed the change was Mickey. She stormed over to Looney and pinched her cheeks. “I! Already! Finished! Mine!”
I was impressed. Knowing her, she probably had a crystal-clear vision of where she wanted to be in ten years. And since I didn’t want all her hard work to go to waste, I suggested we all still write a self-addressed letter but with no length requirement. This was the compromise that resolved the conflict.
Fortunately, she seemed enthusiastic about writing more letters. She claimed she “could use a break from studying.”
This just left Kyou-kun. When Looney broke the news to him, she had him backed against the wall like she was mugging him.
“You don’t gotta show anyone, so just write whatever you want,” Zuka-kun explained casually.
“Uggghhh,” Kyou-kun groaned.
Nothing against Zuka-kun, but I could understand how Kyou-kun felt. Even if we didn’t have to say it out loud, even if no one else ever found out, it was hard to imagine our feelings mattered enough to be immortalized. But his deserved to be expressed.
I smiled encouragingly. “He’s right, Kyou-kun.”
Later, on the way home, Kyou-kun, Looney, and I all stopped by the stationery store. When we found out he’d been writing his letter on a torn-out scrap of notebook paper, we decided to make him buy actual stationery…and by we, I mostly mean Looney.
“Where’s the romance in a scrap of notebook paper? It’s thoughtless!” she scolded him.
In the end, he picked out a sky-blue stationery set—a hopeful, ambitious color. Since we were here, I went ahead and bought some that indicated the page number with little kittens, and Looney bought a strawberry-scented eraser.
Then, after I got home that evening, I sat down and wrote the first letter in its entirety. Compared to the days I’d spent agonizing over my self-letter, it was obvious just how deeply I cared about my friends, and at first, I was tickled pink. But then I started to wonder what they were going to write to me, and my brain wouldn’t let me sleep.
Dear Zuka-kun,
I’m actually really embarrassed to write about how I feel right now. Ever since I cried in front of you back in April, I’ve felt like such a pathetic loser, and I wish I could crawl in a hole and die. But of course, even then, I’m not half as embarrassed as I am grateful. It meant a lot that you were willing to share your secret with me to make me feel better.
You seem like a laid-back, carefree guy, but in reality, you’re the one who’s paying the closest attention to the rest of us. You have a responsible side that I respect very much. Because of that, I imagine that in ten years’ time, you’ll have made your dreams come true. Who knows—maybe you flew back to Japan specifically to help us dig up the time capsule. I wouldn’t be surprised if your future girlfriend or wife wore the pants in the relationship.
Out of everyone in the group, I think you and I are the most different from each other, but I dearly hope we’ll still be friends ten years from now. Until then, I’ll try to be the kind of person who can cheer you up when you’re sad.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen your arrow, not once. But no matter where it points, I support it with my whole heart, just like I support your ambitions.
Early Sunday morning, dozens of students reported to the local prep school to take a mock written exam. Zuka-kun was in the same classroom as me, though we were on opposite sides of the room.
When lunchtime rolled around, we met up in the cafeteria, me with my packed lunch and him with the sandwich he bought from the corner store. One by one, the other three turned up to join us.
“Terribly sorry to interrupt your date, but is this seat taken?” Looney asked in a simpering voice.
For some reason I was sick to my stomach with anxiety, despite the fact that it was only a mock test, but her smug smirk made me feel a little better. Then Mickey and Kyou-kun showed up. For a total coward like me, it was deeply reassuring to see some familiar faces here in this unfamiliar environment.
For a while, we sounded like stereotypical students, complaining about certain questions on the test and arguing over English sentence structure. But eventually, the topic shifted to the time capsule. Due to the recent rule change, the deadline had been extended for an additional two weeks, starting last Friday.
“Has everyone finished professing their love? You’d better hurry up or I’ll take it all for myself,” Looney joked.
I glanced at Kyou-kun and Mickey. Normally Looney’s teasing would get me all flustered, but this time I was in on the scheme. Plus, I knew why she was doing it, so I couldn’t really stop her.
“Well, uh, so far I’ve only written an angry diatribe about Zuka,” Mickey joked back, trying to camouflage her bashfulness.
“Likewise,” Zuka-kun grinned.
“Well, I love both of you,” Looney replied serenely, her deadpan voice adding a hilarious contrast, and Kyou-kun laughed.
It was just another ordinary lunchtime, and yet it must’ve worked wonders on me. After I sailed through my afternoon tests, I was really starting to feel confident about my prospects.
On the way home, we stopped by a burger joint and made small talk for another half an hour and then decided to call it a day. Third-years didn’t have time to truly relax; once we got home, we’d hit the books all over again.
Instead of asking my mother to pick me up, I caught a ride on the back of Kyou-kun’s bike. Honestly, I knew I shouldn’t, but it was a little too far to walk. Beside us, Looney rode on Zuka-kun’s bike as we took a path no cars could follow.
If Mickey lived in our neighborhood, I would’ve let her take my place instead…but then it occurred to me that Kyou-kun would probably get so nervous, the whole bike would topple over. The thought made me laugh.
Then, with a wave, we parted ways with Zuka-kun and Looney. I told Kyou-kun I could walk the rest of the way, but he insisted he may as well take me all the way home.
“What were you laughing about just now?” he asked.
“Oh, I was just thinking… If Mickey were here instead of me, you’d get nervous and probably crash your bike.”
“Wha?! I mean…well…yeah…”
“Thought so. Did you finish writing your letter to her?”
Technically it wasn’t really a “letter” at all, since we weren’t going to give them to their recipients, but still.
“Not yet,” he answered, shaking his head.
“Well, you have to write one. And you have to be a hundred percent honest.”
“Nnnn…”
“Seriously, I really think you should.”
For a while, he didn’t respond. I started to get nervous—maybe I was being too nosy, and he didn’t appreciate it? Then the bicycle slowly rolled to a stop. We had arrived at my house.
“Thanks,” I told him as I hopped off.
“I’m scared,” he replied without looking at me.
“Of what?”
Deep down, I knew the answer, but the flow of the conversation forced me to ask anyway, and I felt awful about it. He smiled awkwardly at me, the way he did whenever Looney teased him.
“A lot of things.”
Yeah, that makes sense.
We waved goodbye. Once he disappeared from sight, I turned in the opposite direction and prayed for him.
Dear Looney,
Up until recently, I was always a tiny bit afraid of you. Whenever you looked at me, it felt like you could see right through me. You’re always casually joking around, but I get the sense that you pay more attention to people’s feelings than you let on, and it used to frighten me. But not anymore.
If you knew I felt this way, you might get mad at me, but…I think you and I are similar in a certain way. I think we’re both afraid of other people, to some extent. Or am I just overthinking it?
Either way, I love both your funny outer persona AND your inner cautious side. Ten years from now, I’m sure you’ll still be the same Looney we all know, and I look forward to the charming adult woman you’ll become.
I doubt anyone else knows about this, but I’ve seen the way you suppress yourself to prioritize the happiness of the person you love. From the bottom of my heart, I pray that you’ll find happiness someday, too.
The next day, after supplementary lessons, Mickey said she was craving sweets. Normally I would have gone straight to the library after classes ended, but this time I decided to visit the cafeteria for a snack. Everyone tagged along, save for Zuka-kun, who was running laps around campus. Mickey bought a chocolate cornet while the rest of us bought ice cream, and then we all sat down at a table in the corner to give our brains some much-needed sugar.
“How are those letters coming along?” asked Looney, who was eating her mini-pint with a curry spoon instead of the little wooden one that came attached to the lid. Normally Mickey would be the first to chime in, but right now her cheeks were puffed out like a squirrel’s, so I stepped in to cover for her.
“Two down, two to go. They’re so much easier to write than the one to myself!”
“That’s my Miyazato-chan! See, I don’t actually know what to write for mine. Could you show me yours as a reference?”
“That’s cheating!” Mickey shouted like a referee after she swallowed her bite of cornet.
Looney clicked her tongue. “I was hoping you’d fall for it.” Grinning, she paused to scoop up another spoonful of ice cream. “I must admit, I’m really curious to know your thoughts, Miyazato-chan. How stupid would you say Mickey is? I know you must have written about it.”
“Elle would never write about that, thank you very much!”
“Yeah! I don’t think she’s stupid at all. She just has a lot of other problems.”
“HEY!” At my joke, Mickey stared up at the ceiling. “I…I have problems…?” she asked quietly, as if God himself would answer. I knew she wasn’t actually offended, but I wanted to smooth things over anyway.
“I’m just joking, silly,” I said. “I haven’t even written your letter yet. But I’m not planning to say anything mean, and if you don’t believe me, you can read it yourself.”
I swear, I had no ill intent. I was only trying to reassure her. But that was no excuse, of course. Why was I like this? Why did I say things without thinking them through?
Either way, my regrets were too little, too late.
“Oh yeah? Want to trade letters after all?” Looney suggested, though she probably wasn’t serious.
“No, dummy! I was just joking!” I repeated.
I thought it would end there. But the individual lines of a conversation weren’t separate entities that could be carefully navigated one by one, like rain puddles.
Instead, they ran together like a raging river.
“We should do that! It’ll be more fun!”
What I didn’t realize is that we all helped shape that river…and it would take immense power to fight the current it created.
“Yeah, I like it!”
Mickey nodded eagerly, her eyes sparkling. Flustered at the conversation suddenly changing course, I tried to push back.
“But…uh…don’t you think there are some things you’d rather keep to yourself?”
“Nah, not really! I’m fine telling you everything. I mean, sure, it’s kinda cringey, but it’ll be ten years later, right? As long as it’s just between us, I can handle it.”
I was at a loss for words. Once again, I found myself amazed at just how pure she was. I could tell she was honestly willing to share the entire contents of her letter. She had confidence in her feelings, and it took my breath away.
Reflexively, I looked at Looney. She was looking at Kyou-kun. Oh, I get it. Since we originally came up with this idea to help them, she probably wanted to let Kyou-kun have the final say. I looked over at him, but before I could glean anything from his expression, Mickey’s loud, clear voice shot over to him along with her arrow.
“What are your thoughts, Kyou-kun?”
I could tell she was talking about more than just the proposed rule change, and I was deeply worried about how he was going to react. Whatever you decide, just be honest with yourself, I thought quietly. I didn’t want him to agree to her suggestion, only to turn around and write lies in his letters.
But in actuality, that never came to pass.
“…No.”
His voice was small and quiet, but I was pretty sure Mickey got the message. He stared her dead in the eye and shook his head. Then he averted his gaze and looked in my direction instead.
His words had the power to go against the flow. Anyone could tell he was sincerely opposed to the idea from the bottom of his heart. But it scared me to think he might have made Mickey feel bad. I was afraid of interpersonal conflict in general, but more than that, I was afraid of her heart—her arrow—going down the wrong path.
“Hmmm. Okay then.”
With her lips pouted, she looked every bit as disappointed as she sounded…and a little hurt, too. Then Looney made one of her usual jokes and got the conversation back on track.
But Mickey and Kyou-kun didn’t speak again after that.
On the way home, after we parted ways with Mickey, I prayed desperately that her arrow wouldn’t change directions after today. Now it was just the three of us: me, Looney, and Kyou-kun. Looney was the first to break the silence.
“Relax. Miki-chan might spend the rest of the day pouting, but by tomorrow, she’ll have forgotten all about it,” she explained with a chuckle, like it was no big deal—because she knew that to Kyou-kun, it was a big deal.
“Nnnn,” he groaned.
“Seriously, I’m impressed. You could have caved and written her a bland, inoffensive letter, but instead you held your ground. Kudos.”
Personally, I was inclined to agree…but that was because I knew how he felt. From Mickey’s clueless point of view, she might think he refused the idea because he wanted to write something mean about her in secret. Maybe that was why she didn’t say another word to him afterwards.
“Mnnngh,” he groaned again.
Knowing him, he was at least trying to process her words of reassurance, but he didn’t have the strength to swallow it. He was probably a total mess on the inside—I knew this because he and I were both that sort of person. We read too deeply into every word and gesture, then jumped to conclusions at the first sign of our worst fears coming true, all without ever stopping to confirm the facts.
What would I want someone to say if I were in his shoes right now? I couldn’t be like Mickey, or Looney, or Zuka-kun. And since I couldn’t think of anything to say, I ended up passively letting Looney handle it.
Then, at last, we came to a crossroads. Not metaphorically or anything—I mean the literal crossroads between our houses and Looney’s. Normally, whenever we reached this fork in the road, Looney would give an airy wave and continue on her way, but this time I could sense her hesitation. Fortunately, she must have realized that walking on eggshells with Kyou-kun would only backfire, because after a brief moment of eye contact, she spoke.
“Welp, see you fine folks tomorrow.” And with a wave, she was gone.
After a moment of icy silence, Kyou-kun headed off down the street in the direction of our houses, and I followed after him. I was trying to think of something kind and thoughtful I could say to him, but a few steps later, he beat me to the punch.
“I’ll be okay.”
He smiled stiffly, and my nose stung like I’d just eaten wasabi. I couldn’t take it.
“Let me guess: you’re lying, aren’t you?”
He didn’t answer—just groaned again. So I followed up with another question.
“Can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
I didn’t really need the details. I just wanted to know how much it mattered to him.
“Why did you say no?”
I figured he probably wouldn’t answer…but as it turned out, I was only half-right. He didn’t answer the question directly; instead, he told me something that seemed to be unrelated, but was in fact the other side of the same coin.
“I’m not going to switch to a different college.”
What?
I stopped short. Likewise, Kyou-kun took a few more steps, then came to a stop and donned a smile. He was always the kind of guy who would give you the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it.
“I thought about it, and…that’s what I decided.”
“Wh-why not?”
“Mmmm…” This time, instead of just groaning, he kept going. “I just don’t see it happening.”
“I mean, sure, their admission standards are a bit higher, but…”
Truth be told, I knew it wasn’t about admission standards or GPA. Those things were important, but right now, they clearly didn’t matter. But I played dumb, hoping to mask my feelings. Not for any particular reason, of course.
“After we started writing these letters, for the first time in my life, I took a hard look at my plans for the future. And in the end, I realized…a loser like me just isn’t…”
He wasn’t just pausing to catch his breath—he simply wasn’t willing to continue. He was too scared. He knew how he felt, but he didn’t want to admit it.
“And you’re the only person I can talk to about it.”
I knew what he meant by that. He knew I would understand, and so he wanted my compassion. Unfortunately, I could easily imagine how he must have felt.
Like him, I’d spent my whole life thinking of myself as a loser. Lesser. Unworthy. Obviously, I knew everyone had their own personal insecurities, but when it came to people like myself and Kyou-kun, for whatever reason, those same insecurities were painfully debilitating. Maybe we were just born this way.
But while I understood his pain, I no longer believed it was my duty as his friend to mindlessly validate it. This was something I learned after getting to know him and the others.
“Stop that.” I took a deep breath. “If…if you’re going to be a quitter, then do it right! Don’t hide your letter from her—write the words ‘I don’t love you’ and…and go show it to her right now!”
My voice cracked and wavered. After all, a loser like me had no right to say this.
“She’s the one you need to tell! Not me!”
It would have been so easy to talk him out of his own feelings—he was factually incorrect, after all. I would simply have to sacrifice our friendship in the process. But I didn’t go that route. Not because I was scared of losing said friendship, mind you.
If he got his wish through sheer inertia, without ever actually working for it, his arrow would entirely go to waste. A love as tremendous as his deserved to have real effort put into it.
“If you keep acting like this, you won’t want to meet up with us ten years from now!”
We had a lot in common, and I knew if he kept lying to himself and pretending it was over—if he never tried to be anything more than friends with Mickey—then by the time ten years had passed, he wouldn’t want to come dig up the time capsule with the rest of us. He wouldn’t want to come face to face with the regret he had buried there.
Then it occurred to me: maybe those adults hadn’t actually forgotten where their time capsules were buried.
Kyou-kun fell silent, and the time I spent waiting for him to respond was nothing but sheer terror. It had taken me a lot of courage to say all that, but in hindsight, I wasn’t confident it was any of my business. Regret welled up inside me—regret and anxiety and a tiny hint of despair. Almost like BOTH of us are struggling with one-sided feelings, I thought to myself.
Then his conflicted expression shifted to sadness as he gazed at me. A moment later, I realized it wasn’t sadness at all, but fear. He let out a small breath, the same way he did whenever he was about to say something he knew he shouldn’t.
“I mean…it’s thanks to you that I’ve become friends with her,” he said.
I strongly disagreed with that, but for the sake of conversation, I nodded.
“And so I keep asking myself: do I really need more than that?”
I started to tell him to stop thinking like that, but then he kept going.
“And every time, I think…”
Yeah?
“Deep down, I know the answer to that question is yes. Being friends was never going to be enough for me. With every passing day, I…”
Love her more and more. My brain automatically filled in the blank. But he didn’t really need to say that part out loud. I wasn’t the target audience, anyway.
I could read his expression, and out of all the scary things in the world, I knew what frightened him most of all: his feelings. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he was content, his feelings wouldn’t listen, and he was terrified that they would run down a different path. Which path? Well, there was really only one option. But it felt so distant…and deep.
“What am I supposed to do?” he asked, as if he’d searched every corner of his heart and those were the only words he could find. But I didn’t have any helpful advice for him.
“I don’t know for sure, but…do you want my opinion?”
I made sure to ask first. He nodded softly.
“I think it would make her happy. She would really take it seriously, too.”
It sounded like something out of a stereotypical shoujo manga, and after I said it, I realized: he already knew that. That was why he was scared.
Together, we trudged down the street, agonizing over Mickey. He hadn’t brought his bike today, so we were both on foot. Then, at long last, we came to a stop at the branching path between his house and mine. I must have felt the impulse to say something, and before I knew it, the words had left my lips.
“I’d hate to see someone else steal her away.”
It was one of my deepest, darkest thoughts, and I knew it would only make him feel even more pressured. Why did I say that? Immediately, I cursed myself…but at the same time, deep down, part of me was proud of myself for speaking my mind.
Perhaps he sensed this small fragment of untimely joy. “So you approve?” he asked with a small smile—the first I’d seen from him all day. I nodded without hesitation.
Then, with a wave, we went our separate ways home.
Later that night, I was having trouble sleeping, so I decided to write another letter.
Dear Mickey,
You have the power to change people from the inside out. You might not know this, but when you showed up at my house last year, I was really annoyed at first. Annoyed that some girl who didn’t even know me would suddenly force her way in. And I admit, I thought you were rude and inappropriate. But when you looked me in the eyes and told me you wanted to be friends, the next thing I knew, I found the courage to trust you…and now I’m really glad I did.
After we got to know each other, I discovered that there’s really nothing more adorable than a bubbly, down-to-earth girl who wants to be a hero. Plus, you’re so pretty and athletic… It’s completely unfair. Of course, while you have lots of strengths, you have plenty of flaws, too. I know because I’m your friend. But if I were a boy, I’d probably fall in love with you, flaws and all. I repeat: It’s SO unfair.
You’re a hero, Mickey, and everyone around you intuitively trusts you. For example: Normally, a guy with no self-confidence would never dream of being in love with a popular girl like you. But in your case, he could rest easy, knowing you’d never scoff at his feelings. That’s just another reason why we all love you so much.
Lastly, allow me to be blunt: You’re as blind as a bat, you dumbo!
I woke up, looked at my clock, and then sprang out of bed. Crap! School! But as I was pulling on my uniform, I belatedly remembered that the teachers had canceled today’s supplementary lessons. That was why I set my alarm back an extra hour.
I took my uniform back off, then went to the kitchen and ate the breakfast Mom cooked for me. And as I was eating, I realized that it was probably a bad thing that the lessons got canceled.
Normally, whenever we didn’t have class, we’d all meet up in the library (plus or minus Zuka-kun, depending on if he had practice that day). There was no pre-established agreement to meet up at any certain time; we’d just naturally bump into each other in the middle of our other plans. So if someone didn’t show up, it wasn’t a big deal. But we were now so used to meeting up at the library that any absence would be painfully obvious.
With the status quo as our guidepost, we could easily decide our course of action each day. After all, it made everything much less complicated. But if someone didn’t show up today, it would mean something had deviated from the norm, whether intentionally or by chance…and either way, it wouldn’t look good…
Everyone please show up today, I prayed as I left the house. Normally I would take my bike, but this time I decided to go on foot for a change, since the weather was nice. A few minutes in, however, I realized it was actually much hotter than usual and immediately started to miss my bike.
I took a sip of water and headed straight for the library, all the while hoping I’d bump into Kyou-kun on the way. Not so he could give me a ride or anything like that—just for the emotional reassurance. I wanted to stop being afraid that he wouldn’t show up today. But of course, the one day I wanted it to happen, it didn’t.
Since I was alone, there were plenty of other things I could think about—things I was going to have to figure out eventually, like how many private schools I was going to apply to, for example. And yet, for whatever reason, my brain chose to ignore all the more pressing issues and instead agonize over something I’d wondered ever since I was young. Probably because I’d been paying more attention to the subtleties of the phenomenon as of late.
Every few months, I would find myself wondering: why me?
Normally I never paid it much mind, but I must have been feeling a little extra-sensitive after what happened yesterday. With every couple I passed on the street, I asked myself: Why am I able to see people’s love?
I had never particularly resented having this power, but I had never felt especially grateful for it, either.
When I first found out that other people couldn’t see the arrows, I was dumbstruck. It felt like we weren’t looking at the same world. Nevertheless, I did my best to act like I couldn’t see them—that way no one would think I was weird.
But they were still clearly visible to me. And I’d seen the changes that occurred over the past few months.
“It’s not like that! He’s not my type at all, so it’s totally not that!” she had blurted out, blushing furiously, back in February.
“I mean, um…yeah, no, it’s not like that. It’s just…well…yeah, no,” she had stammered, fidgeting, back in March.
“Love confessions are supposed to be nerve-wracking, right? But I didn’t really feel nervous at all… If anything, that time he gave me a bell…” she had trailed off, suggesting she already knew what was up, back in April.
Setting aside how downright adorable it was, she didn’t seem to realize what she was revealing to me, but honestly, it was obvious from the look on her face. And in my case it was even more apparent, thanks to my special power. That being said, however, I only had the information the arrows gave me. Sad to say, this power didn’t enable me to do anything to help—all I could really do was continue to be a supportive friend.
Maybe if a prettier, more outgoing girl had been given this power, she could have found a better use for it, but alas, God wasted it on me instead. Hence, I found myself periodically wondering if there would ever come a day that this power would help someone. What role did He want me to play?
Oh, I see now. In the end, my smaller problems all shared the same massive root cause. The reason I couldn’t imagine my future self, the reason I couldn’t choose a career path, the reason I couldn’t comprehend my power—and maybe even the reason I lacked self-confidence—was because I didn’t know who I was as a person. The question I failed to answer after seventeen years of thinking had now embedded itself inside even bigger questions. Of course I wasn’t going to be able to write a letter to someone I barely knew.
Naturally, this wasn’t the sort of question I could answer within fifteen minutes, and before I knew it, the library was in sight.
Come to think of it, I hadn’t given much consideration to the possibility of using my special power to bolster my future career. What kind of job would benefit from a power like mine? …Matchmaker? Marital counselor? No, no, no! I couldn’t possibly work in a field that would have such lasting impact on other people’s lives. My little heart couldn’t take it.
As I stood at the library entrance, the automatic doors slid open and a gust of nice, cold air washed over my entire body. On the first floor was a large reception desk surrounded by dozens of books, all lined up. Every time I passed through it, I found myself admiring how fun it looked to hang out down here, but as a high school third-year, my destination was the study area upstairs.
It was still early in the morning, and only one-third of the seats were occupied, allowing me to leisurely take my pick of the free tables. But just then, as I looked around, I spotted Kyou-kun.
After what we discussed yesterday, I was too shy to speak to him out loud. So instead, I ripped a sheet of lined paper out of my memo pad, wrote “Good morning” on it, and slowly, gently slid it onto the table from behind him. I knew I was being weirdly obnoxious, and I wasn’t proud of it. But he looked up at me and smiled, then reached over and wrote “Morning!” on my paper.
Having neatly avoided a rehash of yesterday, the two of us spent a long while peacefully focused on our own tasks. After about twenty minutes, I felt I had gained enough composure to handle just about anything. But this false confidence didn’t last long. If my life had had its own soundtrack, this was where they would’ve inserted the suspense music…because a monster was about to strike.
Pretty rude of me to call her that, seeing as I’d referred to her as a “hero” just last night, but the fear she instilled in me that morning was on par with Godzilla. And when she turned up there in the quiet study area, I nearly shrieked.
As she took a seat next to Kyou-kun across the table from me, her smile was far more exaggerated than her usual good-mood grin. When she spotted our written exchange, she added her own “Good morning” and then lifted the paper to show us.
To be clear, there was nothing wrong with Mickey’s smile. It was very pretty. No, what surprised me was something else—something only I could see. And I’d never seen a more aggressive arrow in all my life. What about her was causing it?
I glanced at Kyou-kun out of the corner of my eye. Mickey’s mere presence had made him nervous, but his arrow was as pure as ever.
So, for lack of other options, I smiled at her. Then she pointed her grin in my direction—eeeek. The air was tense, and I could feel something about to happen. Looney or Zuka-kun, one of you please hurry!
But maybe it was a mistake to let myself pray for that. My feelings weren’t strong enough to stop Mickey’s runaway train.
Here she was in the study area, and yet she didn’t take out any of her textbooks. Why was she here, then? The room was so quiet, it felt as though my smallest thoughts were audible. As if to answer my question, she finally took out her pencil case…and a sheet of pink stationery.
What was she planning to do with that? I could practically feel a cartoon question mark floating over my head. Then she nudged Kyou-kun, who was busily pretending to study, and pointed to her paper.
Once he was watching, she wrote:
Dear Kyou-kun,
I screamed internally. If my feelings took the form of a seesaw beam, it would have been swinging like crazy right about now. Meanwhile, Mickey was still grinning away. Looney probably could have managed it a little more gracefully, but Mickey didn’t have that skill.
Now I was starting to understand the meaning behind her exaggerated grin. If I had to guess, she was using it to forcibly conceal something else. Maybe some sadness or anger or some other negative emotion had gotten mixed in with her feelings for Kyou-kun, resulting in an arrow the likes of which I’d never before seen.
As for Kyou-kun, he was frozen stiff. I couldn’t possibly imagine how he must have felt, sitting right next to someone who was about to write a secret letter about him right before his eyes. I also wasn’t expecting Mickey to do something this passive-aggressive.
What do I do? I tried to think. Was this really the best way for him to find out? But on the other hand, if I made her stop, would her feelings take a turn for the worse? Ugh, what do I do?!
Just then, something gave me pause: Since when does Mickey act like this? Was she really the sort of self-centered jerk who would bully someone just because they had a disagreement? Was I wrong about her all this time?
As my panic started to lead me down an unexpected rabbit hole, Mickey took a deep breath and then pressed the tip of her pen to the body of the paper.
Instantly, Kyou-kun jumped to his feet, his chair clattering behind him. At the sound, everyone in our vicinity glanced over…but a moment later, the incident was dismissed as just another part of the library. The only one who couldn’t shrug it off was Mickey.
Blinking in confusion, she reached over to the memo paper and wrote “What’s wrong?” Then she held it up for him to see. My eyes were glued to the paper.
Kyou-kun reached for his pen, fumbled, dropped it, then picked it up again and wrote “Bathroom break.” In response, Mickey wrote “K. I’ll wait until you get back.”
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
She kept grinning widely, paying no mind to the fear it instilled in her victims. After I watched Kyou-kun make his brief escape, I gathered all my courage, then leaned across the table and whispered, “Wh…wh-wh-what are you doing?!”
Still smiling, she turned her eyes on me, then picked up her pen and wrote: “It’s nothing! Don’t worry about it!”
At this, I shook my head. Oh, no you don’t! I know for a fact something’s going on!
She looked at me and let out a tiny laugh under her breath. Then she scribbled out: “I’m here to set things straight.”
Oh God, she knows?
As if to answer this silent question, she added: “I’ve got it all figured out.”
My heart was pounding so hard, I was terrified the whole room could hear it. What did she figure out? My pulse spiked, and a muddy stream of thoughts filled my mind, but no words came out—I just flapped my lips helplessly like a goldfish.
Kyou-kun returned, and I wasn’t sure I was happy he’d come back. I saw him read what Mickey wrote—and watched as he panicked even harder. It made me wish I’d hidden the paper when I had the opportunity. But of course, it was too late now.
As he sat back down in his chair, Mickey took this as her cue to grab her pen and press it to the stationery.
Hastily, I scribbled “Wait!” on the memo paper. It was one word—why didn’t I just say it out loud? I couldn’t think straight. All I knew was that there was one question I needed to ask right off the bat: “Should I be here for this?”
I made eye contact with Mickey and then Kyou-kun. Mickey put a hand to her chin in contemplation; Kyou-kun nodded faintly. Then I watched as Mickey wrote “It’s cool.” So I closed my eyes and attempted to summon the resolve I didn’t have.
She knows. She knows. She knows.
The only thing she could possibly be referring to was Kyou-kun’s crush on her. What else could she have “figured out” about me or Kyou-kun that she didn’t already know? My special power? No one could possibly find out about it unless I told them myself.
If my hypothesis was right—if Mickey had noticed Kyou-kun’s feelings for her and was now attempting to tell him how she felt in return—then chances were likely they’d reach a happy conclusion. But why did she seem sort of…angry? Was it just impatience?
Either way, her pen would decide today’s outcome, and I could only sit there and watch. I couldn’t stop her by force—if anyone was going to do that, it was Kyou-kun. But of course, I knew he wouldn’t.
At last, the tip of her pen embedded itself against the paper. But before it could leave an inky dot, she started scrawling letters, one by one:
You have a crush
And that was where she stopped.
I was stunned. So was Mickey. So was Kyou-kun—understandably so.
After all, he’d probably never imagined he would reach out and put his hand on hers to stop her.
He hastily retracted it, but there was no undoing what he’d done. He stared down at his hand, clenching and unclenching it. “Sorry,” he muttered in a tiny voice.
Mickey froze for a moment, dazed. Nevertheless, she recovered more quickly than the rest of us—she was probably used to this sort of thing. She reached over and wrote “What’s the matter?” on the memo paper. Then she offered him her pen, even though he clearly had his own right there in front of him.
He looked at it for a moment. Then, reluctantly, he accepted it. And after a moment of thought, he wrote a carefully chosen one-word response: “Stop.”
When I imagined how it must have felt for him to write those four letters, a mix of emotions welled up in my chest, and for some reason I felt like crying. But of course, I held it in.
Mickey scowled, snatched her pen back, and wrote “Why?” before offering the pen back to him. He avoided looking at her as he responded. Judging from the look on his face, he was biting back the urge to scream. It was all so unbearably painful to watch.
“I’m sorry, Miki-san,” he wrote. “I had a feeling you might have figured it out, and I appreciate you coming here to tell me. I figure you probably want to make things clear. But I don’t want to make you feel awkward, so don’t worry about it. Oh, and for the record, I’m not planning to follow you to your college, either. Sorry I’m such a loser.”
It ended the way it began: with an apology. His confession shocked me. He knew she’d figured it out, but instead of pressing her about it, he wanted to back off?
But it was the last line that resonated with me most of all. Sorry I’m such a loser, or in other words, sorry a loser like me is in love with you.
How was Mickey going to react to this? I watched her as she read his response and prayed she wouldn’t hurt him. I didn’t know what made her decide to try to write her letter right in front of him, but if only things weren’t so weird and complicated, the two of them would surely…
“What do you mean, you’re sorry?” Mickey asked, in a tone of voice that suggested she had completely forgotten we were in a library.
It wasn’t hostile or accusatory in any way, and yet it felt like Godzilla’s fire breath.
“Why are you sorry?”
I had witnessed Mickey’s irritation and annoyance many times in the past, but this was my first time seeing her genuinely furious.
“Don’t talk to me like I’m stupid!”
Her chair screeched as she leapt to her feet. Altogether, this deviated too far from the norm for the rest of the library to ignore. But naturally(?), she paid them no mind. Instead, she shoved her things back into her bookbag and then snatched up her stationery, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it back onto the table. Then she shot me one final look, and without another word, turned and loudly stormed off.
Kyou-kun and I dazedly watched her retreat down the stairs. Then we looked at each other and froze for a good ten or twenty seconds.
During that time, we were both probably thinking about a lot of things. Why did Mickey get angry? What did she mean when she said those things? Which part of Kyou-kun’s apology offended her? And what were we supposed to do now?
I didn’t have the answer to any of these, but before I knew it, my mouth was moving on autopilot.
“Go.”
Kyou-kun gave me a questioning look. Evidently I, too, had forgotten we were in a library, among other things. For that brief moment, I forgot I was a loser with no identity. I wasn’t supposed to stick my nose in his business, either, but I forgot that, too.
“Go after her! You have to go after her right now!”
Ordinarily I never would have wanted to make a scene, and yet I was shouting. Because if I didn’t, I was afraid Kyou-kun might not see the light.
He froze for a few more seconds. Then I watched silently as he rose to his feet and ran out after Mickey.
As my shoulders heaved, and everyone stared, I suddenly realized: Maybe this is it. I still had the rest of my life ahead of me, but…maybe I was given this power for this one moment in time. After all, the only reason I managed to advise Kyou-kun with full confidence was because I could literally see the arrow shooting out of Mickey toward him.
So I started praying…but this time, I didn’t turn around. No, this time I prayed from the very bottom of my heart, sending him all my love and support. Then I rose to my feet, bowed in apology to all the other people nearby, and left the study area.
After personally apologizing to the librarian, I headed down to the first floor. Mickey and Kyou-kun were nowhere to be seen. But just then, the automatic doors slid open, and a familiar face walked in. It was Zuka-kun.
I rushed over to him, and he noticed me immediately. “Nice to see you,” he told me with a charming smile.
I wasn’t sure if he knew anything about Mickey or Kyou-kun, but either way, his perpetually unchanging attitude made me kind of exasperated.
Dear Kyou-kun,
First, I’d like to write about what happened today at noon—about the feelings I can’t tell anyone about. In ten years’ time, I’ll let you read this, and when you realize how much suffering you’ve all put me through, I’m going to bully you mercilessly.
Let’s start with your beloved Mickey, that clueless Godzilla. Yes, she’s an idiot. Really. I would have said it to her face, but I didn’t get the opportunity due to…you know…everything else that happened.
And while I’m at it, allow me to be crystal clear: you’re an idiot, too. The only reason things went to hell today is because your idiocy and hers were in perfect sync. After we’ve all grown up, I expect you to make it up to me and Mickey by taking us out for barbecue.
Now, I’ll write about YOUR idiocy. Kyou-kun, you underestimate things WAY too much. Lest you forget, your stupid secret forced me to have to apologize to everyone in the whole library. You really think Mickey would figure out how you feel about her? You completely underestimate how dense she is. She’s NOT sharp enough to notice that sort of thing. In fact, she’s TERMINALLY dense, given the assumptions under which she’s operating. Ten years from now, you’ll need to have a better grasp of that if you want to avoid any more incidents like today’s.
But that’s not the only thing you underestimate. This next part is important, so please read carefully: Kyou-kun, you undervalue yourself. Trust me, I get it—whenever you interact with other people, you can’t help but think of yourself as a loser. I know what it’s like because I’m the same way. But to me, it feels like you don’t think anyone would notice if you were gone. That’s the difference between you and me: I constantly worry about making people hate me, whereas you’re convinced no one cares about you at all. This is an important distinction.
To be clear, I don’t have any self-esteem myself. But after making friends with you and Mickey and Looney and Zuka-kun, I’ve slowly, SLOWLY started to feel like maybe I belong. Hopefully ten years from now I’ll have a lot more self-confidence. Likewise, I hope it happens for you as well, because this, too, will help you avoid any more incidents.
After today, I had an epiphany: Just like we each have our own personalities and interests and viewpoints, so too do we have our own secret roles to play. And I’ve started thinking that maybe our roles all complement each other. I still don’t really understand what I bring to the table, but since you all seem to enjoy having me around, I’ve decided to believe that there must be something I can offer.
Going forward, I’d really like to repay you all for everything you’ve done for me. But I feel like “What do I offer to other people?” and “Who am I as a person?” are kind of the same question. Anyway, I did apologize to the entire library for you, so that’s something.
Of course, you have a lot to offer me in return. You’re the easiest person to talk to out of all my friends. Maybe that sounds like a minor thing, but in my case, I’ve always had a hard time talking to people, so it means a lot. Everybody’s always teasing you, aren’t they? Maybe you’re so easy to talk to because we know you’ll listen. It’s a tiny gesture from a big heart. And you’re an idiot for not seeing it (among other reasons). But that’s exactly why the rest of us have no choice but to support your crush on an even BIGGER idiot.
What happened today at the library really frightened me. I was terrified that the two of you would permanently change everything between the rest of us.
It’s been ten years now—do you still remember what Mickey said after the misunderstanding was cleared up? She thought the reason you didn’t want us to exchange letters was because you didn’t want ME to see it. Why? Because you were looking at me at the time, and also, because you’re always so calm and relaxed around me. She thought that you and I were in love, and she didn’t want to get in the way, so she was preparing to officially get over you and focus on college entrance exams. She said to me, and I quote, “But then he got all condescending about it, and it pissed me off!”
She was completely wrong!!! What a moron!!! Every time she got all awkward when the subject of romance came up, I figured she was just embarrassed about her feelings for you, but no—she was worried about MY feelings for you! Unbelievable!
But to be fair, this is YOUR fault, too. You saw that memo paper and assumed she knew about your crush on her. Then you wrote a whole screed to her, which she then interpreted as you arrogantly shooting her down! God, you’re so stupid! Please find attached the memo paper in question. Re-read it and WRITHE.
Anyway, sorry this letter is getting kind of long. I wanted to write it while today’s excitement was still fresh. I hope you’ll read it ten years from now. With all that being said, there’s really just one thing I want to say to you, and I’m too shy to say it in person, so here it is. Ready?
I wish you both a lifetime of happiness together!
“Well, I guess that settles that.”
The next day, Looney and I walked home together while sharing an ice cream bar. She’d been absent yesterday due to a sudden death in the family, but apparently, she had already heard the whole story from Mickey earlier today.
“You’re so lucky. I wish I could have been there,” she mused.
“Trust me, it wasn’t fun.”
“If they fail their entrance exams after all that, I’m gonna laugh so hard.”
She’d said something similar a while back. At the time I just shrugged it off, but this time around, I nodded firmly. “Me too.”
“Wow, you’re evil!”
“I’m just tired of putting up with these idiots all the time.”
Looney let out a cackle. “I’m happy, though.”
For once I could tell she wasn’t joking…although I pretended not to notice the hint of sadness in her voice.
“This is a new beginning. The rest is up to them.”
“Yeah.”
A new beginning—not just for them, but for the rest of us, too. Starting now, we would all head off down our own paths. It was a scary, exciting time for every one of us; after all, none of us yet knew what lay in store for us ahead.
“Wait…”
“Hmm? What’s up, Miyazato-chan?”
“I suddenly feel like I might be able to write that letter to my future self after all.”
If I had to guess, it was some kind of eureka moment. As soon as I got home, I was going to grab my pen and start writing. And with that problem finally solved, the ice cream started to taste a whole lot sweeter.
“That reminds me—do you know why Kyou’s the only person Miki-chan’s never nicknamed?”
“No, why?”
“Heh heh heh. When she told me about it, it blew my mind.”
My heart thumped in my chest. Then she stuck her tongue out at me.
“Apparently she couldn’t think of a good one. Crazy, right? I thought for sure there was some special reason.”
“Wha…?! Oh, come on!”
Here I’d started thinking maybe she sensed she might fall for him right from the start, so she instinctively avoided giving him a dorky nickname. But apparently, I was just overthinking it. With every new secret I learned, they kept getting dumber and dumber.
When it came to the things left unspoken, we inevitably ended up exaggerating their complexity in our minds. I had always figured we could probably avoid these misunderstandings if only everyone else had a power like mine, but when I stopped to really think about it, I could easily picture us creating more trouble for ourselves by reading too deeply into the things we saw.
A few minutes later, like all the days that came before, we ultimately arrived at a fork in the road.
Dear Future Me:
Promise me one thing.
No matter what you do, no matter who you do it with, no matter who you become…just promise me that you’ll read these letters with a smile.
Until then, I wish you the very best.
P.S.
Oh, and I hope someday you’ll see an arrow that’s pointed at you!