I Need to Use the Bathroom – Part 06
I Need to Use the Bathroom – Part 06
I Need to Use the Bathroom – Part 06
I changed back and pulled the glasses and envelope from my pocket.
“Here you go,” I said.
“What are those?” she asked.
Huh? Don’t tell me… the porn mag was the right one? No way, right?
“I came here to deliver the item that you entrusted to me.”
“Where are they? I don’t see them anywhere. Gosh, Ayumu, you silly thing.” She waved a hand like she wanted me to cut the jokes.
“But Kyouko was going after me earlier. Wait… was the porn mag actually a weapon?”
“How exactly would you use an adult magazine as a weapon? Goodness, you’re such a perv.” She giggled, covering her mouth with her hand.
I felt my face burn with embarrassment as I scrambled to explain, “Kyouko was after the weapon. And she stole the porn mag I had with me.”
Big Teach turned serious. “Is Kyouko the one behind the mass outbreak of fake Megalo?” Her voice was lax, but there was an edge of anger under it.
“Yeah. She said so herself. You knew they were fakes?”
“Of course. Real Megalo aren’t that weak. People in Villiers are saying that the Megalo extermination plan got leaked to the enemy, but still. Simply going on a rampage to sabotage the operation doesn’t really seem like something Megalo would do. I never quite agreed with what the higher-ups were saying.”
“But if Kyouko’s the cause, you can buy it?”
“She knows about my pla—” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, I can totally see her assuming I’d use a Magiclad Weapon, and if she went after it, well, it adds up.”
Just then, Haruna, who’d been quietly listening up to that point, suddenly exploded. “Stop! What are you two talking about?! No more conversations I don’t get!” She flailed like she was doing squats and threw her arms up into big Xs.
“Haruna, this is important—”
“Shut up!”
“Haruna—”
“I said shut up!”
God, she was infuriating.
“Why did you give Ayumu a mission without telling me?!” Haruna demanded furiously.
“Because I didn’t want the people of Villiers to find out,” Big Teach answered nonchalantly.
“What kind of reason is that? Why Ayumu?!”
“Because even if he learned it was a weapon, he wouldn’t use it. He’s easy to get in touch with too. And most of all, he’s the one who cast a magic spell on you, so I thought I could count on him.”
“Stop talking in riddles!”
“And here I thought geniuses understood everything.” She chuckled.
Haruna groaned and went quiet. Big Teach clearly knew how to handle her.
“Big Teach, you idiot! Stupid genius!”
If there was such a thing as a stupid genius, it would be you.
“Cool and stupid! Strong and stupid! Amazingly stupid!”
“You know what they say about barking dogs,” Big Teach said.
Haruna took a direct lightning strike. Yeah, she was completely stunned.
I let out a snort, and her face turned beet red.
“Well then, I’ll be heading back. Thank you, Ayumu. Anything you’d like to say before I go?”
“Ah, yeah. If you could just stand right there for a sec.”
After that whole ridiculous chase, I figured I deserved a little reward. I put on the black-rimmed glasses.
After wiping out the Megalo without any issues, Big Teach returned to the magical kingdom of Villiers. I walked home with an even more irritable Haruna.
She kept muttering “Ugh, seriously” under her breath, her cowlick bouncing with every step. Getting left out must’ve been a real blow to her pride.
“Why didn’t you say anything, Ayumu?!”
“Because she told me not to.”
“Keeping secrets from me is a serious crime, you know.”
Under what law? She growled like a monster, then held out her small hand toward me.
“Big Teach, you jerk.”
Even now that she was gone, Haruna was still grumbling. She wore a quiet, lonely expression, almost like a proper young lady.
“What even am I to her?”
Seriously, what was wrong with her? This kind of brooding didn’t suit her at all. She looked up at me, visibly downcast.
“Ayumu,” she started, but stopped herself, then turned away.
“Is something bothering you? Just say it, whatever it is.”
“It’s nothing.”
“You’ll feel better if you talk. You’re the kind of person who holds stuff in until it explodes.”
“So if I say it… you’ll do it?”
Do what? She had something she wanted me to do? Haruna’s requests were always a pain, but… if it was just one thing, I could probably handle it.
“Yeah, but just one.”
“Then… I want you to…” she mumbled, not looking me in the eye, stumbling over her words. “Actually, never mind!”
Why not? I was getting irritated.
“Come on, just spit it out! I’ll do whatever you want.”
“Then give me a kiss!”
What?
“A quiche? A French tart consisting of a pastry crust filled with savory custard and pieces of chee—”
“Shut up!”
“…”
“I said kiss me! Do it! Right now!”
She closed her eyes and puckered her soft-looking lips toward me. My chest tightened a little.
“Haruna, do you even realize what you’re asking me to do?”
“Are you mocking me?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because you only kissed her! I…”
Her? Wait, was she talking about Tomonori? Was she still hung up on that kiss? That was your fault to begin with! I almost said the words out loud.
“I’m not gonna lose to someone like that!”
She stared up at me with those usual, stubborn eyes.
“Fine,” I said.
I closed my eyes and leaned in.
And then I remembered that sensation. Yeah. I’d felt this before.
The feeling of a sneaker driving into my cheek.
The next thing I knew, my body was spinning through the air. It had been a while since I got hit with Haruna’s full-power kick.
“Idiot! Why would you take it seriously?!”
What the hell? This is absurd!
The world spun in slow motion.
In the corner of the twirling landscape, I caught a glimpse of Haruna, wearing that mischievous, boyish grin.
What bubbled up in my chest wasn’t frustration, but clear relief.
Now this is the Haruna I know.
Eu was standing quietly in front of the house. Had she been waiting for us to come home?
“What are you doing here, negamancer?”
“Dinner.”
“I was gonna eat dinner.”
“You couldn’t wait, huh?” I asked.
Eu shook her head and held up a note. “I’m not the one who couldn’t wait.”
Haruna looked confused, but I understood what those words meant on instinct.
I headed into the living room and found the final trial of the day waiting for me.
The words on Eu’s note, the reason she had fled outside. All of it pointed to one conclusion.
Unfortunately, it was exactly what I’d feared.
“Took you long enough. Food is getting cold.”
Dishes were already laid out on the table.
The moment Haruna stepped into the room, she let out an exaggerated “Wow!” like Hikomaro,[1] followed by a despairing, “It’s food.”
I leaned over to whisper in her ear. “Leave this to me. You head to the kitchen.”
“G-Got it.”
Once she’d grasped the situation, Haruna took Eu with her to the kitchen.
Hurry up. If they whipped up something decent, we could pretend this stuff didn’t exist.
On the table sat miso soup and some kind of black lump. What was it even supposed to be? Meatballs? These pitch-black spheres were about the size of marbles. She’d made some weird abomination again.
Still, the happy look on Sera’s face made it hard to just tell her to put it away. Eu must have felt the same. That’s why she left and waited for us outside.
Noticing I was the only one in the living room, Sera furrowed her brows. “Where are the others?”
“Ahh, I’m starving. I wanna eat everything.”
I brushed off her question and sat down at the table, swallowing hard. Not from hunger, but from fear. But to Sera, it must’ve looked like I was drooling over her cooking.
She gave me a dazzling smile. She really did love making food.
“I-I see,” she said. “If you say so.”
“So, what are these black things?”
“Fried chicken. My knockout specialty: Black Fried Chicken.”
It’s not just burnt, is it?
“I gave it a twist using depleted uranium mesh.”
Oh, it wasn’t just burnt, all right. How the hell do you even fry chicken into perfect spheres?
Haruna, please hurry! This thing might actually just knock me out!
“Go ahead and eat,” Sera said.
I closed my eyes and tried to pick one up with my chopsticks, but it slipped right out. I tried stabbing it instead, but there was a sharp crack. My chopsticks broke.
Damn it! The armor was too thick. There was no way I could chew it.
My hands shook with fear. I picked one up with my fingers and, steeling myself like I was about to swallow a sword, tilted my head back and tossed it not into my mouth, but into my throat.
That was the last thing I remembered.
1. Hikomaro (彦摩呂) is a famous Japanese television personality and “gourmet reporter” known for his enthusiastic food reviews.