I Would Rather Die Than Kiss You – Part 01
I Would Rather Die Than Kiss You – Part 01
I Would Rather Die Than Kiss You – Part 01
I was lying in bed.
How long had I been out? My arms and legs worked fine. My head spun a little, but it wasn’t anything serious.
Still, my body felt sluggish, kind of like having a cold.
I let myself relax. My body was ready to sleep again, but now that my mind had woken up once, it refused to drift off. Not being able to sleep when you wanted to sucked.
Well, at least now it was official. Eating Sera’s cooking was definitely a bad idea.
Something cold pressed against my forehead. I cracked my eyes open and saw a hand covered in a gauntlet.
“Eu… were you taking care of me?”
Eu started to remove her gauntlet. I quickly stopped her as her pale, delicate hand began to show.
“Wait, wait! You don’t need to heal me.”
If I remembered right, Eu’s ability transferred injuries or illnesses she wanted to heal from others onto herself. Since she waited for me to wake up, that probably meant her power didn’t work on unconscious people. Maybe the intention to be cured had to be active for it to trigger.
“What happened to Sera’s cooking?”
“Haruna threw it out without mercy.”
I see. I could already picture the disappointed look on Sera’s face.
“Sera cried.”
“She cried? Wow. She must’ve taken it hard. What about Haruna’s cooking?”
“It was delicious.”
Of course it was. What about my share?
“Sorry, but can you go get Haruna for me?” My voice came out barely above a whisper. Actually, it was the only volume I could manage.
Eu gave a small nod and left the room.
I let out a long breath and draped my arm across my forehead. A zombie passing out. Who would’ve thought?
The door burst open, and Haruna rushed in, her cowlick springing wildly.
Thud. Haruna leapt into a full-body press and crushed me flat. The air whooshed out of my lungs.
“Haruna.” I shot her a sharp glare.
“Oh, so you’re alive.”
Laughing, Haruna straddled me. She had me pinned in a perfect mount position.
“Ah.” A small sound escaped my lips.
Right in front of me was a tiny pair of breasts. I could see Haruna’s tits through the gap in her clothes as she leaned forward.
Damn it. Zombies are mammals too. We’re weak to boobs.
My face flushed hot. They were practically nonexistent in size, but still enough to make my heart race. I knew it was hot out, but come on, at least wear a bra.
“So tiny,” I mumbled.
Haruna glanced down at herself and followed my gaze. Her cowlick snapped upright, her face burning red.
“You perv! Edhard Elprick!”[1]
Am I an alchemist now?
She clasped her hands together like she was praying, then hammered them down.
“I-I meant that as a compliment!”
“You jerk! Y-You didn’t have to say it out loud!”
I couldn’t argue with that.
Haruna started bouncing up and down, steadily dealing internal damage to my organs.
But honestly, I was relieved. She seemed back to her usual self again. She must’ve felt satisfied after confessing what had been bothering her all this time.
It didn’t matter how I felt. Letting it all out was enough for her.
“So, where’s my food?” I asked.
“Hm? Oh, I’ll bring it now. Just wait a sec!”
As she left, Eu came in and knelt quietly beside the bed. Her blue eyes fixed on my face while her gauntleted hand gently wrapped around mine.
Normally, I wouldn’t think much of that. But after the weird stunt Haruna just pulled, even the slightest touch made me feel strangely aware.
What did Eu really think of me? I turned away, flustered.
Haruna barged back into the room carrying something bizarre. I had no choice but to look.
Eu glanced at what Haruna brought, then checked my expression.
“What the hell is that?”
I knew exactly what Haruna had brought in. I got it, but I just couldn’t agree with what she was doing.
“What do you mean? It’s bamboo, obviously.”
“Yeah, I got that. My question is: what exactly do you plan to do with it?”
“What do you mean what? I’m gonna set it up, duh.”
“Do not set anything up.”
Haruna propped up the split bamboo so that it stretched between me and the bookshelf.
Was that leftover from Tanabata[2] decorations? How many did she swipe?
Sera walked in. She had some sort of pot balanced on a tray. Don’t tell me she’d gone and cooked again while I was out cold?
“I made some porridge. Please, eat it.”
She totally did! Why didn’t anyone stop her?! Someone stop the very cause of me being bedridden in the first place!
“I made something too,” Haruna said. “I’m sending it to you now.”
I started to piece together the situation I was in.
Right now, a split bamboo was rigged from the bookshelf at an angle like a slide, perfectly secured. And the sharp, spear-like cut at the end, clearly Sera’s handiwork, was aimed straight at my face.
I wanted to believe it wasn’t what I thought. I really did. But this looked an awful lot like a setup for Nagashi Somen.[3]
Huh? Am I tied down too? When did that happen? Damn it, I can’t move. It felt like I was strapped in with wires or something from the neck down.
Haruna climbed up onto a chair. Sera handed her the pot. Eu looked up, seemed to come to the same conclusion as me, and heartlessly backed away.
“Aye then, ‘ere we go.”
Why the accent?
“Stop! Don’t do it!” I tried to lift myself up.
Sera gripped a green sword in her hand. “Are you saying you refuse to eat our cooking? We reluctantly, reluctantly, made it for you.”
“I really appreciate that. I do, but… are you trying to take my head off?”
“If necessary.”
If she cut it off, the food wouldn’t reach my stomach.
“Huh… it’s not flowing.”
I glanced over. The rice porridge had gotten stuck halfway down the bamboo chute.
“Um… if it’s not too much trouble, could you feed me?” I asked.
“That’s what we’re doing,” Sera said.
“No, I mean with a proper spoon or ladle or something.”
“We’re using bamboo, aren’t we?” Haruna chimed in.
“Let me say it again: with something proper.”
“Don’t worry about it. This is proper bamboo!”
I’m doomed.
“Do you honestly think we’d baby-feed you or something?” Sera said.
I mean, come on. I’m living with pretty girls, right? At least when I’m down and out, they could let me live that dream.
“Sera, just tell me what ingredients you used. What did you put in the porridge?”
“Must you keep insulting me? Should I just pour it straight down your throat?”
“No, no, that’s not it. I just want to know.”
She sighed. “It’s not even worth mentioning. Just rice, water… and for a secret touch, I added a bit of mortar. I didn’t use anything organic, and no CGI either.”
Well of course she didn’t use CGI… but you should use organic stuff!
That was close. I almost fell for the bait. CGI wasn’t the issue here!
“Haruna, what’s mortar?”
“Huh? Umm… well, it’s that. You know. That thing.”
So Haruna didn’t even know what it was. It had to be something from this world, then.
I felt taps on my shoulder.
Oh? Eu knew what it was?
“Something made by adding water to cement.”
“Mortar is kinda like concrete.”
What? Should I scream? Squirm? Run?
No, screaming felt right. But I didn’t have the energy to shout.
Think. Come on, think!
Ding, ding!
Got it!
“I think I’d like to try Haruna’s porridge first,” I said.
I decided this was the best move. If I said I was full after enjoying Haruna’s amazing cooking, I could naturally dodge Sera’s dish.
“All right then, I’ll send mine down.”
Haruna’s porridge, huh. I wonder what it tastes like. It had to be good. Maybe like a nice rice soup mixed with all sort of stuff?
I heard a squelch. Haruna frowned. She stepped down from the chair, tossed the tray onto the desk, and left the room. She didn’t like that it didn’t flow right.
“Eu, could you feed me Haruna’s porridge?”
Now was my chance to eat it. Eu nodded and brought the tray with the pot over to my pillow. One bowl was filled with a glutinous white substance. The other looked like concrete-colored concrete.
The sticky one looked dreadful, sure, but it was clearly Haruna’s work.
“You can’t even tell which one’s mine, can you? That’s how perfect they both are,” Sera said with a proud little snort.
When I picked the white porridge, she was so shocked that she dropped the leaf sword she was holding onto the floor.
I chose the right one, then. Not that there was ever any doubt.
“Ayumu, I’m telling you, this one is absolutely better,” Sera said.
“Because that’s the one you made. Am I wrong?”
Sera winced, bringing a finger to her lips. She couldn’t answer. Her pride was at war with her desire to claim credit for Haruna’s probably-delicious dish. She wanted the compliment, but she couldn’t lie. When it came to cooking, Sera lost all her usual composure.
All right. While she was stuck like that, I had to eat as much as I could.
Eu scooped a spoonful, gently blew on it, then opened her mouth slightly. Inside my head, I imagined her smiling.
“Here you go, big brother. Say ahh!”
Yes! This is exactly what I’m talking about!
“Ahhh,” I opened wide and ate it.
Ah, that explained it. The stickiness came from cheese. And the taste… cream sauce! But this wasn’t porridge. It wasn’t even risotto. This was doria. Seafood doria![4]
It wasn’t exactly food for a sick person. Squid was typically hard to digest.
I wasn’t sure how to describe the flavor, but one thing was clear. It was delicious.
As the goddess scooped up another mouthful, I opened my mouth with a grin so dumb even I felt gross about it. And at that exact moment, the door slammed open.
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing, negamancer?! I’m the one who’s supposed to feed Ayumu, so give it here!”
She karate-chopped Eu’s gauntlet, knocking the spoon right into the doria. In her other hand was… a kettle? What was in it? I could’ve sworn I felt the air in the room shudder. I had a really bad feeling about this.
Haruna snatched the tray away from Eu, stepped up onto the chair, and raised the kettle high.
Stop. Don’t do it. I’m begging you.
Squelch. She dumped the doria into the bamboo chute.
“Let’s go, Grayson! Messer Wing!”
And now she was quoting Karl Lichter von Randoll,[5] a character only like five people would get. As I watched the seafood doria slowly crawl its way toward me, a chill ran down my spine. I wasn’t in a sauna, but the zombie sweat just kept pouring.
Haruna tilted the kettle. Please, please have mercy. I tried to scramble away, but Sera pinned me down.
“Sick people should stay in bed.”
The ice-cold ninja actually smiled sweetly. She was enjoying herself, looking forward to what was about to happen. You monster!
Steam rose from the mouth of the kettle.
Wait, is that… boiling water?! She’s planning to flush the food with boiling water?! Help! Eu… Wow, okay. She’s backed away already.
It made sense. If boiling water came rushing down, it would splash everywhere.
“Don’t worry about a thing,” Haruna said. “Just trust me.”
Yeah, right. Like I could trust her in this situation.
“Somebody… help me.”
My desperate plea never reached anyone. Boiling liquid slid down the bamboo like a waterslide. The scalding flood surged straight toward my face.
Ah! Hot!
1. A reference to Edward Elric, the titular protagonist of the Fullmetal Alchemist manga and anime series.
2. The Tanabata Festival, or Star Festival, is a Japanese celebration held annually to honor the romantic legend of two star-crossed lovers, Orihime (Vega) and Hikoboshi (Altair).
3. Nagashi somen, or “flowing noodles,” is a popular Japanese summer tradition where thin, cold wheat noodles (somen) are sent sliding down a long bamboo chute filled with cold water. Diners use chopsticks to catch the slippery noodles as they pass by before dipping them in a savory broth and eating them.
4. Doria is a popular Japanese comfort food, a rice gratin made with cooked rice, savory toppings like chicken or seafood, creamy béchamel sauce, and a generous layer of cheese, then baked until golden and bubbly.
5. Karl Lichter von Randoll is a central character and primary rival in the Future GPX Cyber Formula anime series.