No! I’d Rather Fall into a Cesspool! – Part 01

In the hallway back to my classroom, I passed by some rude strangers whispering and staring at me.

Apparently, they were giggling at my face. Not a good feeling.

What’s the deal? Did my face look weird? Or maybe someone stuck a strange sign on my back?

My zipper was fine, and I’d checked my face in the restroom. Nothing seemed off.

When I finally got back to the classroom, I understood why they were laughing.

“Oh, it’s him!”
“He’s here!”
“Wow, it’s really him!”

A mannequin that looked exactly like me was standing right in front of my classroom, locked in a dramatic pose. I’d completely forgotten about that thing.

I wanted to remove it, but where could I put something that big? People were everywhere in the school right now.

Feeling a bit embarrassed from all the whispers, I headed for the door.

The door on the blackboard side was closed, but the one at the back stood open. I guessed the mannequin was pointing, saying, “This way in.”

Don’t underestimate this zombie. I had endured plenty of embarrassing situations before. This was nothing.

I tried to act tough, but… yeah. I really wished I could erase the last few days from memory.

The signboard came out great, if I do say so myself. Inside the classroom, it felt like a Hollywood movie could start at any moment. I’ll leave the details to your imagination, but it was definitely three-dimensional.

I gave myself a standing ovation in my head and went through the open door with the yokai curtain.

The only customer was our homeroom teacher, a.k.a. Mr. Unconscious. The alcohol had already been confiscated by the vice principal, so he wasn’t drinking. That might explain his sulky expression.

Business didn’t seem to be booming. From walking around the festival, there were plenty of other fun and unique attractions.

Plus, we basically served the same food as other cosplay cafés and food stalls, so a café staffed by yokai wouldn’t exactly draw a crowd, even for visual appeal.

Maybe the yokai café was a failure. Or maybe it was just the teacher, a.k.a. Mr. Ignorant sighing deeply and brooding that ruined the mood.

The cramped room, mostly desks and chairs, had been cleared to just a few stylish round tables and low-backed round chairs. The usual desks were pushed aside, leaving only one by the entrance, where a girl dressed as a yuki-onna, a snow woman, sold meal tickets.

You took a ticket, sat down, and exchanged it for yakisoba.

“Aikawa, welcome back.”

Hiramatsu, wearing a red skirt, greeted me with a smile. A name tag labeled her as Hanako of the Toilet.^[1] She was dressed childishly, but despite her quiet nature, she had a surprisingly large pair of…

I shook my head. Sexual harassment was reserved for Sera and Haruna.

Was Hanako of the Toilet supposed to be a yokai? Well, whatever.

There were other strange creatures that weren’t exactly yokai, but everyone wore name tags so that even customers unfamiliar with yokai could understand.

The one in green with a shell? A kappa.
The one in a padded vest? Kitaro.^[2]
The one in a full-body suit? Mojimoji.^[3]

Wait, Mojimoji? That was not even a yokai, or a ghost, for that matter.

“I figured it was about time for a shift change,” I said, looking around at my classmates dressed as yokai.

“Yeah. You’ll… switch with Orito,” she said haltingly.

I glanced around the classroom, searching for the guy. Three hot plates were lined up in the corner. Orito was cooking yakisoba there.

Ah, he was in charge of cooking. Well, handing out food and collecting tickets should go to a girl like Hiramatsu.

Still, what was Orito wearing? It looked like a wedding dress, but what yokai was he supposed to be? With the apron on, I couldn’t see the name tag from here.

“Hey, Hiramatsu. What yokai is Orito supposed to be? I can’t see the name tag from here.”

“W-Well, you see,” Hiramatsu stammered nervously.

“Even the straight-A student doesn’t know, huh?”

Being a straight-A student didn’t really mean knowing what yokai someone was, but I just had this feeling that Hiramatsu would know everything.

“A… pervert.”

The sudden harsh word made me laugh instead of feel shocked. Why would she call me a pervert out of nowhere?

“Orito’s character is… apparently… a pervert,” she added.

“That’s not a yokai!”

That was so Orito. If someone said they made a wedding dress by hand, honestly I’d be put off.

Anyway, it was my turn, so I headed over to Orito. On the way, I saw our homeroom teacher holding his head and sighing. I had something I absolutely wanted to ask him personally.

“Teach.”

“Huh?” He yawned as he answered, not even glancing at me.

“Do you… have any kids?”

“Are you rubbing it in that I’m not even married, Aikawa?”

“No, well…”

Really, no kids? So who was that alcohol-drinking girl earlier? Just someone who happened to have the same name, Kurisu?

It didn’t feel like I could ask anything more, so I scratched my head and walked over to Orito. His name tag indeed said Pervert.

“You’re gross,” I said.

“Oh, Aikawa. Been waiting for you. I’ve been cooking yakisoba all this time, it’s hot. I can’t take it much longer.”

Before complaining about the heat, wasn’t there a more basic emotion he should be feeling as a person?

There’s no shame in feeling shame!

“All right, let’s switch.” Orito took off his glasses and eagerly began removing the wedding dress.

Wait, what?

“Hm?”

Huh?

Orito, now stripped to the waist, handed me the wedding dress he had just taken off.

“You’re kidding.”

“Come on, hurry up and put it on. Customers are coming.”

“Seriously?”

Switching shifts with Orito apparently meant taking over the Pervert role.

“Kappa!” I cried. “Switch with me! I’ll be the kappa!”

Time to bail. I had to escape with everything I had.

“But I just became a kappa.”

If he was that into the role, then I couldn’t push it.

“Fine, I’ll take Mojimoji! Switch with me!”

“H for hell no.”

If he was that into the role, then I couldn’t push it.

“Aikawa, come on. Put it on already.”

Orito’s glasses gleamed brightly. This was a nightmare.

In the end, I put on the wedding dress. It was a festival, so maybe something this gross was fine.

I got a quick rundown on portion sizes for yakisoba, how to use the hot plates, and the electrical limits set by the class rep. With a heavy heart, I stripped off my uniform right there and put on the wedding dress, then slipped the apron over it.

“Hey, Aikawa. I can’t see the name tag.”

Orito took the “Pervert” name tag that had been on the dress and pinned it right on top of the apron.

You didn’t pin it over the apron when you wore it, damn it!

At this point, all I could do was pray no customers came.

I waited nervously, but nobody came at all. I wasn’t sure if I should feel happy or sad about that.

Then. Mihara showed up. Without saying a word, she pointed her phone at me. Click.

She fucking took a picture of me. I should sue her for violating the right to use my likeness!

Next, Anderson came in. “You’re really pulling it off,” he said, then click, took a goddamn picture too.

Then, a stunning woman with a ponytail walked in, wearing a turtleneck sweater and a cardigan. She carried an aura that felt like flowers would bloom with every step she took, even across barren wastelands.

Her sudden arrival lit the whole classroom on fire.

She handed three hundred yen to the girl at the entrance, took her ticket, and walked straight toward me.

“Um, please take a seat and wait for your foo—”

Before the kappa boy could finish, Sera gently placed her finger against his slightly pointed lips.

“Yes, I know.”

She smiled faintly, and the kappa boy’s face melted into bliss, like he was drifting down the River Styx.

That little finger-to-the-lips gesture was enough to make one’s heart skip a beat. I knew that feeling all too well.

Adjusting his glasses, Orito raised his hand and spoke in a gentlemanly tone, “Ah, guys. She’s an acquaintance of mine.”

Shock rippled through the classroom. No one could have imagined that Orito would know a looker like her.

Like the moon and a turtle, heaven and earth, a whale and a sardine, Mount Fuji and a roadside mound, there was no way they were on the same level.

“Sera.”

Hand still raised, Orito walked toward her. Sera closed her eyes, lowering her head slightly as if she didn’t even want to see his face—or the air around it—and brushed past him.

The shock that had rippled through the classroom turned into pitying stares that pierced Orito.

The other students probably hadn’t realized it yet. She herself was a real monster. A real yokai. Wait, vampires counted as monsters, right?

“A pervert playing a pervert yokai. Quite fitting. Gross.”

That was her first line after seeing a zombie in a wedding dress.

“I’m just glad that’s all you have to say,” I replied.

“Hm. So Ayumu Aikawa really was a false name,” she said coldly, glancing at the name tag pinned to my chest.

“Pervert isn’t my real name!”

“Please keep it down, Pervert Aikawa.”

“My name’s already stuck?”

“S-Sera!” Clicking his heels together, Orito stood stiff like a soldier before his superior officer.

What was up with him? It was rare for Orito to get nervous.

“W-W-Would…”

Eyes darting anywhere but Sera, he tilted his head back toward the ceiling and rattled out sounds like he was speed-singing a soccer chant at a J-League game.

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1. Hanako of the Toilet is a Japanese urban legend about the ghost of a young girl named Hanako who haunts lavatories.

2. Kitarō is the main protagonist of the classic Japanese manga and anime franchise GeGeGe no Kitarō.

3. Mojimoji-kun refers to a popular segment from the classic Japanese comedy and variety show Tonneruzu no Minasan no Okage Deshita (aired by Fuji TV). Hosted by the comedy duo Tunnels (Takaaki Ishibashi and Noritake Kinashi), the show featured a recurring challenge where celebrities and guests wore full-body spandex suits and contorted their bodies to physically form the shapes of numbers and Japanese characters.