No! I’d Rather Fall into a Cesspool! – Part 02

And then, he took the plunge.

“Would you like to check out—”

“No.”

The little bit of courage he had scraped together was crushed before the words even left his mouth.

“—the festival with—”

“I decline.”

Brutal. What kind of final boss was she? At least hear the guy out!

“Orito, give it up for today,” I said.

“Yeah.” Head hanging, Orito trudged out of the classroom.

Sera didn’t even spare him a glance. She crossed her arms and glared at me.

“You took your time,” I said.

“I had work to do.” From her firm lips came a sharp voice, slicing like a blade. Held in place by her glare, I couldn’t help but blurt out, “Sorry.”

She’d abandoned her Vampire Ninja duties before, and because of that, some high-ranking superior called Grand Elder had given her a trial. That was… wait, what was it again?

“What kind of trial did they give you, anyway?”

“To slay the most terrible monster said to slumber in this land.”

“Ah, so that’s the kind of mission it turned into. Wait, something like that actually exists?”

“Yes. A creature of legend. No attack can harm it, and it fights with the strength of a demon, yet I heard it looks like a young girl.”

From that description alone, I couldn’t help picturing Big Teach… or maybe Haruna, the one who took down both the raccoon and the gorilla.

Wait. Was her mission to kill a Magiclad Girl?

“So, did you find it?” I asked. “If you’d told me, I could’ve helped.”

Sera shook her head. Her ponytail swayed. “This is my trial. Anyway, is Haruna not with you?”

Of course she was worried about Haruna. They were like sisters, after all.

“She’s with Eu and Tomonori right now.”

She sighed. “You still don’t understand a thing, do you?”

“Understand what?”

“That she wants to be with you, of course.”

“No, no, no. She literally kicked me out.”

“Still, you’re someone she wants by her side when she feels lonely.”

“What?”

“Why are you making that face, like you’re begging me to twist your arm off?”

“I’ve never made a face like that once in my whole sixteen years of existence. Anyway, I’m on shift here. I can’t just go to Haruna.”

“If you’re working, then it can’t be helped. May I have one order of yakisoba, then?”

“Aren’t you gonna check on Haruna?”

“Miss Hellscythe and Maelstrom are with her, aren’t they? Then there’s no point in me going there.”

She told me to go, but she herself wouldn’t? Well, it would be good practice anyway, so I cooked up one serving of yakisoba for her.

“Here you go.”

Sera took the freshly made yakisoba and sat at the chair farthest from me, near the entrance. She crossed her long legs, and all eyes in the room stayed fixed on her bewitching beauty.

“Um, Mr. Kurisu,” Hiramatsu called out to our homeroom teacher, who was smoking and tapping his foot restlessly.

“What is it, Hiramatsu?”

It didn’t sound like he cared much. He was still sulking over his booze getting confiscated?

“Saitou… hasn’t shown up.”

Saitou? Who was that again? Ah, right. The girl who was supposed to make the signboard with me. She wasn’t really into the school festival to begin with, so maybe, like with the sign, she’d just skipped her shift here too.

“You have nothing to do anyway, so go check on her.”

“But…”

It would hurt the café—and me mentally—if a beauty like Hiramatsu wasn’t around. Still, I wanted her to enjoy the festival. She’d helped me a lot, after all.

“We’ll manage here somehow,” I said.

“Th-Thank you, Aikawa. You’re so nice.”

She bowed deeply, then smiled as she moved behind me. Back there were the ingredients—cabbage, pork belly—and a pile of everyone’s bags.

She pulled her uniform from her bag, ready to leave the classroom to change, when a group of customers walked in.

The first to step inside was an idol. She wore a fluffy miniskirt that flared out wider than her shoulders, with small wings attached to her back. Her slender arms were covered in lace gloves that reached up to her elbows, and in her hand she held a baton-like staff. It was the kind of outfit that would suit Haruna’s petite frame.

But the one wearing it was a long-haired woman with a figure as impressive as Sera’s. Her expression looked like she might cut someone down at any moment.

I recognized those refined features.

“Saras… is that you?” Sera’s face stiffened as her chopsticks stopped midair.

It must have been a huge shock. Well, of course it was. Seeing your boss in cosplay like that would be.

“Don’t call me by that name here, Seraphim. Are you stupid?” Saras scowled, and Sera narrowed her eyes. “Don’t you understand what an alias is for?”

“My apologies, Kirara,” Sera said the name with clear venom in her voice.

Saras narrowed her eyes back at her. Did they not get along?

The two were sparking at the doorway like a pair of lit dynamite fuses.

Th-They’re gonna blow! Hiramatsu’s legs were shaking like crazy from the tense atmosphere.

Her name was Sarasvati. Like Sera, she was a conservative Vampire Ninja, but Saras was her superior. Still, they spoke to each other as equals.

I still didn’t know if they were on good terms or not.

Since Saras was a Vampire Ninja, her identity was, of course, a secret. She lived under a false name.

Even Tomonori’s real name was Maelstrom, which sounded like some kind of water-attribute attack.

As Saras walked closer, a group of men trailed after her. It was a bizarre sight. A horde of glasses-wearing guys in happi^[1] coats and headbands followed in a pack.

Hiramatsu froze at the doorway. Maybe the hall was overflowing with them as well. They looked like one of those old-school idol fan squads I’d seen at the gymnasium.

Wait. No way. Did Saras actually just have a concert? I kinda wish I’d seen it.

A beautiful woman with a figure as fine as Sera’s, dressed in an outfit that should’ve belonged to a young girl, stood over the hotplate, arms crossed in silence.

“If you want yakisoba, buy a ticket and wait at a seat,” I said.

“I came all the way to see you, and that’s the welcome I get?”

Her gaze was as sharp as a knife. Honestly, scarier than Sera’s.

“So, Kirara. How tough is this trial of Sera’s, anyway? She doesn’t seem to be making progress. Is it something she can actually handle?”

“Well, it’s a legendary demon. I tried once myself about a hundred years ago, but it was hopeless. A terrifying creature. You may also look at it from a different perspective: the fact that she was given the trial proves how capable Seraphim is.”

Just how old was she? I couldn’t really remember how strong Saras was, but she was definitely way stronger than Sera. She was a squad leader, after all. And this monster was stronger than even Saras. Yeah, I definitely needed to help Sera with this one.

“Despite how you act, you do acknowledge Sera’s abilities, huh.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, and Saras’s face turned red.

“Y-You pervert!”

“Says the one dressed like that!”

A man in a wedding dress and a beauty in a childish outfit glared each other down.

Why did Saras always carry this prickly atmosphere around her?

“Hurry up and cook.”

Rules didn’t apply to her. When someone was that beautiful, they themselves became the rules.

“Yeah, yeah. So, what’s with the entourage?”

“Are you mocking me?”

And if she did take it as mockery, what then? Stab me in front of all these people? Hah! As if she could…

Click. The baton popped open like a pen cap, revealing a stake inside. Vampires were supposed to get staked, not wield the damn things! Wait, was she seriously about to attack me in front of everyone?!

“Are you stupid?!” I raised the spatula to guard.

“H-How dare you insult our Lovely Kirara!”

“Yeah, that’s right!” the crowd chimed in all at once.

What a noisy bunch. Just eat your damn food and leave.

“Business seems slow.” Saras smirked.

“Actually, thanks to you, business is booming.”

“Of course. Given how popular I am, this result was inevitable. I suppose Seraphim couldn’t draw customers on her own?” She gave a sly little laugh.

Sera stood up. Being openly mocked, even if it was by her superior, wasn’t something she could let slide.

“You there,” Sera addressed.

“Y-Yes?!” Hiramatsu jumped.

“You mentioned earlier that someone wasn’t showing up, right?”

“Y-Yes.”

“Then I’ll take their place.”

“What? But…”

“Let her do it, Hiramatsu. This is going to be… interesting.”

“Mr. Kurisu?”

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” the teacher added. He really didn’t care at all.

“Oh? Is that a challenge, Seraphim?”

Saras beckoned with her finger, and one of her fanboys dropped to all fours. She rested her long, gorgeous leg—wrapped in a knee sock—on his back. The entire squad prostrated themselves.

“You would dare challenge me? Fwahahaha!” The corner of her lips lifted into a grin.

“Saras.”

“Don’t call me that!” She snapped her eyes wide in fury.

“Kirara,” I quickly corrected myself while plating the yakisoba.

“What?”

“These guys aren’t swearing loyalty to you. They just want to peek up your skirt.”

“Whah?”

I couldn’t tell if she was trying to say Why? in English, or doing a Bruce Lee impression. Either way, Saras’s expression twisted in confusion.

Sprinkling on bonito flakes and seaweed, I pointed down. Sure enough, her fanboys were all sneaking looks under her skirt. They all snapped their faces to the floor.

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1. A happi is a traditional tube-sleeved Japanese coat, usually worn only during festivals.