No! I’d Rather Fall into a Cesspool! – Part 03

“See? Everyone’s pressing their foreheads to the floor.” Saras shook her head in exasperation.

Her fanboys, though, were still trying to peek up her skirt. When I pointed again and told her to look down, they all snapped their heads toward the floor in perfect unison.

“I understand you’re jealous of my charisma. But lying is unacceptable. Pile lies on top of lies, and soon you’ll have a trust problem.”

“Is that so.”

“Besides, so what if someone glimpsed my underwear?”

“Well, uh, that’s… embarrassing, you know.”

“Ridiculous. Do you think I, dressed like this, am as shallow as some brat who blushes because her underwear shows?”

“Then show me too.”

“You pervert! Die! Spill salt water on that outlet and electrocute yourself to death!”

Make up your mind. What a real pain.

“So in other words, you’re just acting tough.”

Saras gently pressed a finger to my lips, a gesture Sera often used.

“Are you really so small-minded that you can’t even handle a woman’s bravado?”

Damn it. When she put it that way, I had no comeback.

Sera had finished changing and was walking over. The red skirt, a size too small, was very short. The suspenders dug in, pushing her generous chest against the blouse.

There she was: Hanako in a Ponytail.

Holy crap. She looked way too sexy. Just by wearing that outfit, a tall, gorgeous girl like her turned it into something ridiculously hot. Even Saras’s fanboys were staring up at her, mesmerized.

Sera stepped forward, trampling the fanboys spread around Saras like flower petals, as if they were nothing more than a carpet.

What are you, Raoh’s horse?!^[1]

Even as she left footprints on their happi coats, the fanboys looked overjoyed. To them, that alone was bliss.

“Ugh. I’m not a masochist! For our Lovely Kirara, I—”

“I decide whether you’re a sadist or a masochist,” Sera said. “You’re just a masochist pig.”

“Yes, ma’am. I’m a masochist pig.”

Stomped again and again, their happi coats dark with dirt, the fanboys surrendered themselves under Sera’s banner.

“Well, Seraphim. You’re certainly fired up.”

“A Vampire Ninja does not cower before any foe. I’m only following the code.”

“Big words, coming from someone who broke the code. Still, amusing enough.”

“Let’s settle this by seeing who can draw the bigger crowd.”

“You’ve never once beaten me.” Saras laughed and briskly took the yakisoba from me.

“Then, let’s start the match at six.”

“Very well. I’ll be taking this yakisoba.”

“Pay up,” I said.

Saras pulled out three hundred yen. I didn’t take it. Instead, I gestured toward the doorway.

“Please pay over there.”

With a snort, she left the classroom with her entourage in tow. Takeout wasn’t really allowed, though.

Sera fixed her battle-hungry eyes on me. “Mr. Pervert, do you have any clever ideas?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“I have confidence and pride in myself. But I doubt I can defeat Saras with my strength alone.”

“Why not? You captivated her fanboys just now.”

“I can never—not ever—beat her.”

She wasn’t frustrated. A will to win burned in her beautiful jade eyes.

I racked my brains. What kind of advice should I give? Could my advice even help? Then it hit me.

“All right, Sera.”

“What is it? You look as if you’ve thought of something.”

She flashed a brilliant smile she never usually showed. I put on a serious face and shared my plan.

“Find Orito.”

Her flower-like smile faded back into the usual look of revulsion.

---

“Yeah, I see. I see how it is.” The spiky-haired guy nodded as he listened to me.

“Ayumu—ahem, excuse me. Mr. Massive Pervert suggested we ask for your guidance.”

She even rephrased it and made me out to be a Dreadnought-class pervert.

“I’m sorry to say this, but your opponent is way too tough,” Orito said.

“You know Saras—I mean, Kirara Hoshikawa?” I asked.

“Of course. She’s famous in the internet idol scene. A top ranker. I mean, come on, if someone with that body said it was fine to peek at her panties, wouldn’t you be a fan too? She sings well, wears the outfits fans send her, but she never softens her personality. That sharpness is part of her charm.”

“So, you’re a fan too, then?” I said.

“Me? Nah, nah.” He waved his hand.

“Why not? A sleazy person like you seems like exactly the kind of guy she reels in,” Sera said.

“Well… it was back in May, I think. I was on a train, and Hoshikawa was in the same car. That’s when some office worker was groping her.”

Vampire Ninjas were not allowed to kill humans. Even Saras wouldn’t go that far. I wonder how she handled it.

“I thought, this is my chance! If I came to her rescue, maybe something would spark between us.”

“Yeah, no way,” I said.

“Indeed. Impossible,” Sera concurred.

“So I went up to grab the guy’s hand, but then Hoshikawa turned to me.”

“And she mistook you for the groper?”

“She said: Is that the best you can do? Amateur!”

Orito wiped tears from behind his glasses at the painful memory.

“That’s brutal.”

“Yeah. Both me and the guy just froze, shocked, not even holding onto the straps anymore.”

Limiting someone’s actions through psychological damage. That was impressive in its own way.

“Let’s get to the point,” Sera urged. “How can I win?”

“It’s simple. You just have to stand on the same stage as Hoshikawa.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nowadays, the internet idol Lovely Kirara is a household name. A mainstream angel.”

“Never heard of her,” I said.

“And that’s exactly where her weakness lies. Just leave it to me.”

Had Orito ever been this reliable before? No, never.

Then he snapped three photos of Sera with his DSLR—chest, butt, and face. And for some reason, I was the one who got punched by Sera afterward.

“What should I do?” Sera asked.

“Just work here as usual,” Orito said.

When he flashed a full-toothed grin, Sera socked me again for no reason.

Could she stop taking it out on me?

---

By the time the clock struck six, our yokai café was packed and buzzing.

Five servings of yakisoba sizzled on each of the three hotplates, while waves of bespectacled men kept pouring into the classroom.

Were they drawn in by Saras, or had they come for Sera instead? It was obviously the latter.

Every last one of them was snapping photos of the ponytailed beauty dressed as the ghost Hanako of the Toilet. They looked like Saras’s fans, but it was Sera they came for.

“What the hell’s going on?”

Try standing here in a wedding dress, chained to the grill.

“Aikawa! We’re outta cappage!”

Beside me, Kappa and Mojimoji, both grilling five servings each, were panicking.

“I for I’m running out to buy some!”

Going on a supply run dressed like Mojimoji would probably get him arrested, and honestly, selling out wouldn’t have been the end of the world. But judging by their frantic faces, they didn’t have the luxury of thinking that far ahead.

The guys had nowhere to sit, so they lined up eating on their feet. At this point, we were basically running a standing soba noodle shop.

As Sera handed out plates, she glanced suspiciously at Orito, waiting for my yakisoba to finish.

“What did you do?” she asked.

“Simple stuff. Just spread a rumor.” Orito slurped his noodles, grinning smugly.

God, what an annoying face. Help with the grill, you fuck.

“Your biggest draw is that smoking-hot body. All I did was leak a little sample and say they could only see it for a limited time. Like, no matter how much you like pizza, your first taste of high-end sushi will always steal the spotlight. Of course, I added a few spicy comments to stir things up.”

I see. If you wanted the full view, you had to show up in person. And when you did, her beauty hit harder than the hype, making the rumor spread even faster. Add the “limited time” tag, and yeah, even I’d want to check it out.

Sera could give pin-up models a run for their money. And with idol hunters in the mix, there were bound to be plenty of guys hypersensitive to this kind of intel.

Come on, Sera. Stop hitting me!

The noise level spiked. Saras pushed through the crowd, still in her frilly skirt, wearing a scowl.

“What have you done?!” She grabbed Sera by the collar, throwing the café into chaos.

Sera glared back. “What’s the matter?”

Saras ground her teeth.

“Hey, knock it off. No fighting.”

I abandoned the grill and stepped between them. Orito picked up the spatula and stirred the yakisoba for me.

“I fail to see why you’re so angry,” Sera said.

“You tore up my turf.”

So that’s what this was. She was pissed about the online stunt.

---

1. Kokuoh (Black King) is Raoh’s gigantic, elephant-sized black stallion in Fist of the North Star. Highly intelligent and fiercely loyal, the steed is used by Raoh to trample enemies deemed unworthy of his own fists.