No! I’d Rather Fall into a Cesspool! – Part 04

“All we did was level the playing field,” I explained.

Saras narrowed her eyes. “There’s no one I hate more than those who get fawned over just for having big breasts!”

I couldn’t say I didn’t agree… but still.

“And yet, if that’s all it took to beat you, then you’re not as good as I thought. I’m a little disappointed.”

“You little!”

I spread my arms wide to keep the two from lunging at each other. “Calm down now. Look, you were the one who wanted this smoke,” I told Saras. “And you already have tons of fans here at the festival. Winning a popularity contest in these conditions won’t be any fun for you, will it? I mean, sure, some of the guys are snapping pics of Sera, but I’m pretty sure some of those folks came because of you. So Sera—”

“What did you say? Say that again!”

“Which part? I just said, like, four whole sentences.”

“You don’t get it. What Seraphim did is a grave matter.”

“Grave how? Is going online gonna cause some kind of incident?”

“Yes. Seraphim has climbed to the top of the rankings. It might be temporary, but this is a serious situation.”

“I still don’t follow.”

“Do you know who held first place on the internet idol rankings before Seraphim appeared?”

“Orito, who was number one?” I asked.

“Uh… Ayaka. She’s insanely cute.”

“Ayaka… no way.” Sera swallowed hard.

“Our mistress. Seraphim, you challenged Lady Ayaka and crushed her completely.”

“Your mistress?”

“The chief’s daughter,” Sera said.

“She’s an internet idol?”

So basically, a rank-and-file employee just embarrassed the CEO’s daughter. That was definitely a problem. Even without this, Sera had already broken one taboo as a Vampire Ninja.

“Even I, known for my mild manner, am this enraged,” Saras said.

I couldn’t help but disagree. No mild-mannered person would try to brandish a stake in public or grab someone by the collar before speaking.

Sera’s face went pale. Not that this was something to get so worked up about.

Anyway, I had to calm Saras down first. “I-If you ask me, I think you’re prettier.”

Sera should be able to read my intent from the vibe.

“Y-You dummy! Don’t say that to my face!” Saras blushed at the compliment, much to my surprise.

“What… should I do?” Sera asked.

“Hey, you. Ayumu ‘The Pervert’ Aikawa, was it?”

“Am I some kind of a boxer now?”

“Are you willing to risk your life for Seraphim?”

“If my life will do, I’ll risk it anytime.”

“Okay. Then, Seraphim. Embrace him right now.”

Sera scraped out all the negative emotions bottled inside her heart and shouted, “No! I’d rather fall into a cesspool!”

“Ayumu Pervert. You can use force if you want. Just hug her. Show the world the meaning of your name.”

Easy for her to say.

Eek! Sera was staring icy daggers at me. The air around her shimmered as if aflame.

Sometimes I accidentally called Sera Asura,^[1] and today, that wasn’t a mistake.

An Asura! There’s an Asura right here!

“I can’t do it! I lack the courage.”

“Hurry up. Don’t blame me if you don’t make it in time.”

“Sera.”

Sera pressed her long, porcelain finger against my lips. “I understand the situation. Do it quickly. And then let me cut you to pieces just as quickly.”

Her jade eyes had turned red. She was ready for battle.

It was way too scary head-on, so I slipped behind her and wrapped my arms around her like a roller coaster seatbelt.

Sera grabbed my arms, making sure I wasn’t pressing too close. “And what is this supposed to accomplish?” Her voice was terrifying.

“She has a boyfriend?!” one of the fanboys shouted.

A heavy, stagnant air swept through the classroom.

Right. Idols were supposed to be single. You might think, she’s that cute, of course she has a boyfriend, but if you actually saw it with your own eyes, it would be crushing. I could completely understand that feeling.

“What’s with that pervert?”
“She has a pervert as a boyfriend?”
“Fuckin’ pervert.”
“Pervert.”

What the hell was with these glares? It was like… they were blaming everything on me. Brutal. This atmosphere was brutal! And on top of that, Sera was still planning to carve me up afterward. I swore I’d never hug her again.

Just then, a sharp voice cut through the tension like a blade. “Aikawa, Aikawa, Aikawa! Big trouble!”

Shouting just like Haruna would, a short-haired girl in a sailor uniform pushed her way through the crowd of men and burst into the classroom.

It was Tomonori, who’d been selling CDs in a swimsuit earlier. What the hell did she want at a time like this?

“Aikawa, listen! What should I do?!”

She rushed up to me, clearly panicking, and for some reason mistook a plate of fresh yakisoba for water. She gulped it down and started choking.

What an idiot. Seriously.

“A-Aikawa?”

When she saw me and Sera pressed together, Tomonori’s face froze in shock.

Sera casually snapped one of my fingers. Just because I didn’t feel pain didn’t mean she had to go that far.

“S-So you two are involved with each other.”

“You’ve got the wrong idea, Tomonori.”

Sera let out a heavy sigh, leaned in, and whispered something into Tomonori’s ear. Tomonori immediately relaxed.

“Oh, thank goodness. I thought, maybe. A-Anyway! We’ve got a problem!”

“You already ditched the swimsuit?” I asked.

“I’ve still got it on underneath. But that’s not the point! What do I do?”

She flipped up her skirt for proof, and the room instantly filled with the sound of camera shutters.

“Wah! Don’t take pictures! Geez. Aikawa, your place is crazy busy, huh? But no, really. What do I do?!”

“How many times are you gonna say what do I do?” I groaned.

My breath suddenly caught. Did something happen to Haruna?

“Where’s Haruna?” I asked.

“Master? She was just putting ‘50% off’ stickers on the CDs.”

Huh? So this wasn’t about Haruna?

“Then what do you want? Surely an idiot like you can see I’m busy right now.”

“I’m not an idiot! Forget that. Look at this, please!”

“Hm?”

Tomonori handed me a letter. The sender was unknown, but the neat handwriting addressed to Yuki Yoshida looked like a man’s writing.

No way. A love letter for Tomonori?

It was possible. There could be a boy who liked her energetic personality.

“I just… I don’t know what to do with this.”

Me neither.

To summarize the letter: “I’ll be waiting under the tree by the pool.” Sounds like a real love letter. Whoever wrote it probably had feelings for Tomonori for a while and wanted to ask her out during the excitement of the school festival.

What a pain.

“Why don’t you just ignore it? I always ignore things like that,” Sera said.

I agreed with her. Ignoring it seemed like the easiest option.

“But if it’s someone from school, the rest of school life will be awkward. I won’t be able to focus during class.” Tomonori cradled her head and shook it slowly.

“Why come to Aikawa? You could’ve asked Mihara or someone,” Orito said while sneakily taking a picture under Tomonori’s skirt.

“I’m gonna smack the crap out of you. Kanami said I should tell Aikawa.”

Ugh, why would she dump this annoying stuff on me?

“Fine, fine. I’ll go with you later.”

“Come with me now!”

“Why now?!”

“What if he’s been waiting all this time? I’d feel bad.”

What annoyed me most was that she clearly didn’t feel bad about dragging me into this.

“Fine. Aikawa, I’ll cover your shift. Go.” Orito handled the yakisoba skillfully, like he was born for it.

“Th-Thanks, Orito. I owe you one,” Tomonori said, offering a handshake.

“Specifically, you owe me one panty. Give it to me.”

“This is a swimsuit, though.”

With the conversation going nowhere and everyone around staring daggers at us, I decided I’d go with Tomonori.

“Let me change first.” I pulled my uniform out of my bag.

Tomonori grabbed my hand. “Hurry, hurry!”

Ugh, fine! Go fast, finish fast, and come back fast.

I tossed my valuables into my blazer and slipped it on, then left the classroom with Tomonori.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Okay. When you get back, we’ll pick up right where we left off,” Sera said.

Where we left off? Ah, what was supposed to come after I hugged her. I was definitely getting shredded.

As soon as we stepped into the hallway, insults rained down on me.

“Ah, it’s him!”
“It’s the man himself.”
“So he really is a pervert.”

“Please let me change!”

Tomonori pulled me along, seemingly oblivious to my whining.

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1. Asura refers to the Buddhist/mythological warlike beings associated with uncontrollable rage and endless conflict.