No! I’d Rather Fall into a Cesspool! – Part 05

Under the tree by the pool was rumored to be the best spot in the whole school to ask someone out.

Surrounded by the old school building and chain-link fence, it was a quiet place that never had anyone around this time of year.

Night had already fallen, and the area was dimly lit only by the light coming from the old building.

“No one’s here. I guess it was just a prank.” Tomonori’s shoulders slumped. She seemed a little disappointed.

“Tough luck,” I said. “So, who gave you the letter, and where did you get it?”

“They knocked on the clubroom door. I opened it, and it was just there.”

“You came here trusting some fishy shit like that? What if some creep showed up?”

“It’ll be fine. There’s two of us.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

If Tomonori had come alone, she might have followed a weirdo without thinking. But with the two of us together, there was no worry.

“One plus one is always two. But with me and you, it’s different. It’s not addition, it’s multiplication. No enemy can beat us!” Tomonori grinned widely and gave a thumbs-up. Her white teeth sparkled.

“Huh?”

What enemy? Apparently, in Tomonori’s mind, weird people=terrifying enemies. Wait, did she actually know how to do math? The idea that multiplication is bigger than addition sounded like classic nonsense from an idiot.

“Tomonori! Tomonori!” I called.

“Huh? What’s up?”

Her eyes blinked with excitement, a cheerful smile plastered on her face. I hated to ruin the fun, but I had to tell her. I had to.

“Tomonori, it’s smaller.”

“What?”

“One times one is smaller than one plus one.”

“Nooo!” Tomonori shouted and clutched her head. But she quickly brightened again. “Two, then! Two plus two is always four, but—”

“It’s the same! The answers are exactly the same. You need bigger numbers.”

“O-Okay! Ah, uh, ahh… All right!” She took a deep breath and tried again. “One hundred plus one hundred is only a thousand.”

“Stop! You can’t do three-digit addition?”

“A-Are you making fun of me?!”

“I’m not. I just think you’re dumb.”

“What’s the difference?!” She threw her hands up and screeched like a monkey, then gave up and smiled again. “Anyway, it doesn’t seem like just a prank. There’s gotta be something here.”

Tomonori glanced around, and I did the same. There wasn’t much, just some red grass.

Red grass? The weeds under the legendary tree were stained red.

My breath seized in my throat.

“What’s up?” Tomonori called as she circled around the tree.

“Nothing. Just ran into some weirdo here earlier.”

Right. This red grass was stained with blood from some guy forbidden by his doctor from doing all sorts of things.

“I don’t think you’re in any place to call someone a weirdo,” Tomonori said.

She seemed to be mocking me, but I couldn’t be mad at her full-toothed smile. I smiled back the same way.

“Anyway, he gave me a ring.”

I reached into my blazer pocket to show her the ring I’d been forced to buy for a hundred yen, but Tomonori had slipped around to the other side of the tree and peeked out, beckoning me over.

“Aikawa! Aikawa! Look at this!”

She’d found something. I stepped over the red-stained grass and fallen leaves from the legendary tree and approached her.

On the far side of the tree—a place no student ever saw normally—there was something strange.

A red button with a notice that read: Do not press under any circumstances!

Who in the world puts a button on a tree like this?

“All right. I’m pressing it.” Tomonori’s trembling finger hovered over the round red button.

“The sign says not to press it. And it says under any circumstances.”

It was obviously a prank. Probably a trap. Nothing good could come of it. Still, Tomonori looked eager to press it.

“Let’s do this.” She started moving like she was shadowboxing, stepping and throwing a jab. “Or maybe…” She flicked the tip of her nose with her thumb and struck a kung fu pose. “Ah, darn it! Aikawa! How am I supposed to press this thing?!”

Tomonori was dead set on pushing it. She was just experimenting with methods.

“Who cares? Just triple-click it,” I sighed. It was just a prank anyway.

“Y-You mean the ultimate method they say you use to select an entire paragraph?^[1] Got it!”

Tomonori excitedly pressed the red button. Click, click, click. Nothing happened. The only sound was the rustle of leaves in the wind.

Only the rustle of leaves carried by the wind reached them.

“Welp.”

Just as Tomonori slumped in disappointment, a washbowl hit her head. I knew it was a trap.

Struck at an awkward spot, she wobbled, eyes watery, letting out a pitiful groan.

Then came the second washbowl. Another bad hit, and she finally collapsed.

“Ai…kawa.” She reached for me, seeking help.

I burst out laughing.

“You’re so cruel.”

She blushed, embarrassed by her silliness. I reached out a hand to help her up.

A third washbowl. Another direct hit to her head. Apparently another unlucky strike.

Three presses had caused three bowls to fall. What a thorough trap.

“Tomonori? Hey, Tomonori?”

I shook her shoulders, but there was no response. Just to be sure, I checked her pulse. She wasn’t dead, just unconscious.

So people really could pass out from a washbowl hit. Unbelievable. What a weird prank. I tried to wake her up by lightly patting her soft cheeks.

Then, Tomonori’s eyes suddenly opened. She hadn’t regained consciousness. Something ghostly emerged from her body.

The corner of my mouth twitched. Tomonori was possessed by a very annoying ghost—a Magiclad Weapon, and it activated when she lost consciousness. No thanks to the washbowl, that condition had been met.

“Anomaly in host detected. Lifting spell restriction.”

The ghost had a bizarre form. Its right half was a naked man, muscular and sculpted like a statue, while the left half shimmered like smoke or flames.

“Children of dragons and gods, gather into my hands.” Tomonori’s pretty lips moved, but her voice, normally bright, had turned flat.

“First incantation confirmed. Spell unlocked.”

The Magiclad Weapon responded to her words with a voice of its own. This was bad. Very bad.

True to the word weapon, this ghost was vicious. I had to stop it before her spell finished.

“Tomonori! Tomonori!” I called her repeatedly, shaking her.

“Obey the voice of the king, and gather into my hands!”

“Second incantation confirmed. Whirlwind, primed and ready.”

The air turned green and flowed toward Tomonori. In the darkness, the wind shone like fireflies and swirled violently around her.

“Burst forth, Helion Stream.”

“Final incantation confirmed. Launching whirlwind.”

The green air exploded outward. It thrashed around like thousands of whips striking everything randomly.

The green wind peeled bark from trees, sliced weeds, cut marks into walls, and tore through fences.

I was thrown along with the washbowls, crashing into the fence around the pool. The green wind shredded the fence, and my body went through it, tumbling to the poolside.

How could I stop this?

The green wind destroyed everything in its path. Walls were hollowed, fences were on the verge of collapse. Getting close wasn’t easy. I kept low and crawled along the poolside. Crawling in a wedding dress was definitely not an everyday experience.

I finally got close enough to reach Tomonori, but what now? If I didn’t act fast, the wind would throw me again. I had to do something.

While I was thinking, I heard a voice.

“Want me to tell you how to stop it?”

It belonged to a man, muttering softly from behind. I turned, but saw only shadows.

“Who are you? Actually, that doesn’t matter. I’d like to hear it, though.”

“Oh, my. Are you really going to trust a shady guy like me? You’re awfully adaptable.”

“I’ll decide whether to trust you after I hear your idea.”

I tried to locate where the voice was coming from, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t echoing in my head. It felt like he was somewhere way behind me. Who was he?

“You have the item that can stop her. Give it to the cutie—guh!”

Something splattered down my back.

“I-I’m not supposed to think girls are cute. Doctor’s orders.”

It’s that guy. Which means…

I reached into my blazer pocket and pulled out the small ring with a gem I had bought from him.

“Come to think of it, you told me I’d need it later,” I said.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I just realized something. Seeing someone play dumb when they’re already busted is insanely infuriating.”

“Ayumu Aikawa, you could be a psychic or a detective. Being able to identify a person you’ve only met once just by their voice is impressive.”

You’re just an exception. Who else had a doctor forbid something stupid like that?

“Back to the point. How do I use it?” I asked.

“The ring is for control. She just needs to wear it.”

“I see. I just have one question, though.”

“Hm?”

“How did you know this would happen? Are you a prophet?”

“Ah, it’s simple. This trap—guh! The doctor told me… no spoilers.”

Forget this weirdo. Time to finish this.

Clutching the ring, I lunged at Tomonori. Call me a pervert if you want. I threw myself over her.

The ghostly man’s translucent right hand slammed into me as if it were solid. Green wind tore at my body.

I felt the horrible sensation of flesh being sliced, yet I still pounced at the girl lying by the tree roots.

Just as I was about to reach her, I was blown back to my original spot. All I did was get hurt. I lay on my stomach at the poolside, watching for an opening.

What do I do?

“Need some help?” A mocking voice came from behind.

Did he just read my mind? He seemed to think I couldn’t handle it, which annoyed me.

The green wind had bored through the walls, leaving holes. The legendary tree was barely standing. If I didn’t act fast, the walls would collapse, and fixing it would be a nightmare. Worst of all, if anyone came here, their lives could be at risk. I was fine because I was a zombie.

“Please,” I said.

The next moment, I was pulled into a shadow, as if falling into a hidden pit. Then somehow, I ended up underneath Tomonori.

It looked like I’d moved from one shadow to another. Kinda like the King of the Night’s ability, except he used mist not shadows. Who was this man?

Feeling Tomonori’s warmth on my back, I slipped the ring onto her finger. Now I didn’t mean to, but it ended up on her left ring finger.

That alone was enough to stop the green wind. But the Magiclad Weapon was still active, sprouting from her body like tendrils.

Keeping an eye on the half-man, I called out, “Tomonori. Hey, Tomonori!”

I pinched her cheek and blocked her nose, but she still didn’t wake up.

“Mmm. One… sheep.”

“Damn, she’s already asleep and counting in her dreams.”

“Those words! Aikawa?”

“Oh. You’re finally awake.”

“I, uh… remember washbowls.” She jumped and yelped, “Wh-What is that?! The Reaper?!” Startled by the bizarre form of the Magiclad Weapon, she ran around the tree. The weapon followed at the same exact distance behind her.

“Calm down,” I said. “That thing is like… your guardian spirit.”

“My guardian what?”

The translucent right hand moved in sync with her own, opening and closing. So she could control it.

“I can summon Star Platinum?”^[2]

“Whoa, that’s not it! That’s your power.”

“Can I… give it a name?”

“Sure, why not? Better than nothing.”

“I’m guessing I have to base it on the title of a Western song.”^[3]

“I’m pretty sure you don’t have to.”

“Then… Vinaigrette.”

“You named it after French dressing?!”

Tomonori didn’t move her body, just Vinaigrette’s right arm.

“You can’t sleep on French dressing!”

Was that supposed to be a joke?

Vinaigrette punched me with its translucent right arm. The blow easily tore through the pit of my stomach, leaving a fist-sized hole.

“S-Sorry, Aikawa!” Tomonori cried. “I didn’t know it was this strong.”

“Don’t worry about it. A little blood on my wedding dress doesn’t hurt.”

I pressed my hands to the blood spurting out. Good thing it was nighttime. This wound should heal fast.

“I’ll try not to use it too much. Sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. That thing was inside you by the way. Can you put it back?”

“I-I’ll try.”

Tomonori closed her eyes, and the Magiclad Weapon was sucked back into her body, like it had been vacuumed. Finally, some relief.

“So, about that ring.”

“Wh-What is this?” She looked at the ring on her finger, her face turning bright red.

“Don’t ever take it off, okay? This controls—”

“A w-w-w-w-wedding ring?!”

The atmosphere got weirder by the second.

“That explains the wedding dress. Ah! D-Did you want me to come here? Is that why you didn’t hand me the letter personally? Yeah, it’d be obvious if you showed your face.”

What the hell was she saying? She made it sound like I called her here for a wedding-like scenario or something.

Don’t you dare blush. You’re making it awkward for me, too.

Shit. I’m probably blushing myself, aren’t I?

If so, this spiral of misunderstanding was going to get worse.

“A-Aikawa… I…”

Tomonori took off the ring and slid it onto her right ring finger. Then, with a steely gaze and a voice free of regret, she said, “I’m sorry. I’m really happy, but we have to wait until we graduate high school. But um… I will still be your wife, and…”

“Listen, Tomonori.”

“D-Don’t say anything more! It’s embarrassing!”

She covered her face with both hands, shaking her head, cutting off anything I tried to say to clear up the misunderstanding.

“Listen to me.”

This wasn’t getting anywhere. I put my hand on her shoulder to calm her.

“Aikawa! It’s too soon for a kiss. Too soon!” Tomonori flailed and pushed me away.

She even used the power of Vinaigrette she just put away. I was pushed over the torn fence, falling straight into the pool.

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1. In programs like Microsoft Word or Google Docs, triple-clicking inside a block of text instantly highlights the entire paragraph.

2. Star Platinum is the iconic, humanoid Stand wielded by Jotaro Kujo in the anime and manga series JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

3. In JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, almost all Stands are named after real-world songs, music albums, or bands.