Chapter 4: Falling Apart

Maybe I was lucky, or maybe my “true self” just wasn’t all that dangerous... or perhaps it was proof that our countermeasures are actually effective.

Either way, the weekend passed by entirely without incident.

Notable “events” included stealing from my brother’s plate at dinner, splurging on new computer equipment I was trying to hold off on even though I could technically afford it, posing in my underwear in front of the biggest mirror in the house while I was home alone, and sneaking into my brother’s room to look for porno mags out of curiosity towards the opposite sex. (Thankfully I was able to stop myself in time, so I didn’t find anything.)

Yes, they were all trifling matters at best... at least, in my opinion. And according to the emails I received from the others, they all had similarly uneventful weekends as well.

For example, one had gotten so overcome with worry that his little sister had a secret boyfriend that he proceeded to snoop through her cell phone, and as a result, said sister gave him the cold shoulder for the rest of the following day until he bought her a bunch of candy from the convenience store.

Another of them had been on her way home from a shopping trip when she was suddenly hit with the urge to climb a tree, and once she got to the top, she remembered she was wearing a skirt and thus was giving everyone in the vicinity a good look at her panties.

Yet another of them had found himself wishing the very concept of homework would disappear from this earth, and as a result put all of his textbooks and notebooks in the recycling bin, then later had to hastily dig them all back out again.

Simple, stupid stuff that hardly warranted more than a laugh and a “Nice going, dumbass.”

On Monday morning, I left the house.

Same as always. Same as always. Same as always.

Just another day of taking the lead and setting an example for the others, same as always.

So long as they all exercise a little caution, surely the others are better off being themselves, too. After all, they’re good people, and as long as you’re pure of heart, you have nothing to fear from this phenomenon. So we’re all fine, myself included.

...Or am I?

I don’t consider myself a misanthrope, but I do have some trust issues.

The way I see it, the world is rife with enemies.

Why? Because I believe that all humans are evil by nature.

And why do I believe that? Because I’m one of them.

And yet you consider your friends to be “good people”...

Fuck off. I don’t have all the answers.

So what kind of person am I?

■□■□■

After second period, Nagase Iori returned to the classroom with a message for Yaegashi Taichi.

“I just got back from Class 1-A. Apparently Yui didn’t show up today. Again.”

“I see...”

This was now Kiriyama Yui’s fourth absence in a row, not counting the weekend, and Taichi was beside himself with worry.

“She said she was fine over the phone, but...” Before Nagase could finish her sentence, Inaba Himeko walked up to them.

“I hope it didn’t break her...”

“Hope what didn’t break her?” Taichi asked.

“The Liberation. Like I said last time, this sort of thing could destroy someone.”

Break. Destroy.

He knew it was no exaggeration.

“That’s it. We’re going to Yui’s house today,” Nagase declared, fear in her eyes. “I know her address.”

Taichi nodded firmly. “Sounds good.”

“Will you two please relax? It’s way too early to start freaking out. Smile, for god’s sake! If we go over there like it’s a funeral procession, it’ll only make her feel worse. Let’s just be excited to see our friend, alright?” Inaba grinned.

And yet, for the briefest of moments, in some way he couldn’t quite describe, that grin looked to be the most fragile of all.

■□■□■

The Kiriyama residence was located in a townhouse complex.

Taichi rang the intercom once, then a second time. Finally, they got a response.

“Hello...?”

Her voice was weak and lethargic—but it was unmistakably Kiriyama. Taichi was a little relieved that her parents hadn’t answered instead.

“Kiriyama-saaan! Come out and plaaay!” Nagase called out with a childish affectation. She seemed to be in high spirits, though it wasn’t clear how much of it was sincere and how much was an act.

“Huh? Wait... I-Iori? No way... What are you doing here?” Kiriyama sounded pretty startled, which itself was fairly unsurprising considering they hadn’t asked in advance.

“I’m here too! And Inabacchan, and Taichi!” Aoki Yoshifumi leaned in front of Nagase and waved.

“There’s no camera, genius.” Maybe Aoki was doing it on purpose, but Taichi decided to point it out anyway.

“Wh... huh...? Y-You’re all here...?”

Nagase pushed Aoki out of the way and leaned in close to the intercom. “Yup! We’re here to check on you! Mind if we come in? Or would your family not be cool with that?”

“I mean, they’re not here right now... but... you can’t come in. Please, just... go home.”

Her voice was shaking, but it was clear she meant it.

“No boys allowed, I take it? What about just me and Inaban?”

“That’s not it... I just... I can’t let you inside.”

“But why n—”

“Hello there, everyone!” Out of nowhere, a woman, ostensibly Kiriyama’s mother, arrived. “Friends of Yui’s, perhaps? I see you’re all wearing the same school uniform. Did you need something?”

As it turned out, things were even worse than they had imagined. According to Kiriyama’s mom, she had been holed up in her bedroom for days now.

“Come on, Yui! Open the door! Your friends are here to see you!” Mrs. Kiriyama shouted as she knocked loudly on her daughter’s bedroom door.

“Shut up! Just tell them to go home!” Kiriyama shouted back.

Mrs. Kiriyama turned to face them, her gaze downcast and guilty. “Sorry about this... She just refuses to come out these days...” She was already a fairly petite woman, but now she seemed even smaller. “She’s never acted this way before... Perhaps the incident with the police was simply too much for her...”

“Don’t worry, ma’am. She’s just a little shaken up right now. I’m sure she’ll be back to normal in no time,” Inaba replied with her most cordial smile. Apparently she could actually be nice if she felt like it.

“She’s right, Mom! Just leave it to us!” Aoki declared.

“Aoki, did you just—never mind.” Taichi was going to comment on that, but thought better of it. It just wasn’t worth the effort.

“Thank you for looking out for my daughter,” Mrs. Kiriyama replied with a bow. “Now then, I don’t want to intrude, so I’ll be downstairs. Let me know if you need anything.” With that, she trudged down the stairs. Her complexion had looked rather pale, too.

It was then that Taichi realized the gravity of the situation they found themselves in. The five of them may have been the only ones cursed with Liberation, but that didn’t mean they were the only ones affected by it. Not by a long shot.

“Yui... It’s really not cool to talk to your mom like that,” said Nagase. She sounded unusually... angry. Maybe she was particularly sensitive to mother-daughter relationships, considering all the divorces and everything her own mom had gone through.

“C’mon, Yui. Let’s talk about it. This is some serious stuff.”

But even Aoki couldn’t convince her to open the door.

“I told you... just go home... I know you guys are worried... I get that... I just need a little more time before I can go back to school...”

Inaba sighed and cracked her neck. “Guess we’ll have to do this the hard way.”

“Do what?” Taichi asked timidly.

“Nothing drastic. I’m just gonna say the magic words to get that door open.”

“Oh god... Do I want to know...?”

“Ahem! Listen up, everyone! Starting now, I will reveal all of Kiriyama Yui’s secrets one by one until she opens the door. First, her measurements—”

Click. The doorknob turned.

“Wait, wait, wait, WAAAAAIT! I’ll let you in, okay?! God!”

“Tch... Didn’t even let me get to any of the fun ones...”

Yikes. Sounds like you made the right call, Taichi thought.

Kiriyama sat on her bed in a tiny ball, knees tucked up to her chest. She was wearing a sweater and track pants, but it was obvious she hadn’t actually been outside. Her hair, normally shiny and well-kept, was now a tangled mess, and fatigue was visibly etched into her face.

Taichi and the others each plopped themselves down on her bedroom floor. It was a bit of a tight fit for four guests.

“Sorry for barging in like this, Yui. We’ve just been really worried about you, you know?”

“It’s okay, Iori,” Kiriyama replied, hugging a large flower-print pillow. “Anybody would feel that way if one of their friends just like, randomly stopped coming to school.”

“Are ya feelin’ sick at all? We can leave if ya need us to... Whoa, you’ve got a big, fat pimple on your forehead! Is that—?”

“Aagh! STOP! Don’t look at it! God!” Kiriyama hastily flattened her bangs over her forehead to hide it. “Ugh... This is the worst day of my life...”

“Have you been binge eating?” Inaba asked.

“Wha?!” Kiriyama flopped down onto the bed. Evidently that was a yes. “N-No! It’s just... For some reason yesterday I had this crazy urge to eat a bunch of sugary stuff... I mean, okay, I guess I get that craving like, a lot... But yesterday it just wouldn’t stop! Then later on I checked the calories, and... God, I literally wanna diiiiie...”

Evidently she must have gotten Liberated right around the time she was hungry for sweets.

“Please tell me you’re not skipping school just because of one measly pimple,” Inaba sneered.

At this, Kiriyama shot upright. “No way! Even I’m not that shallow!”

“Then are you afraid of «Heartseed»’s Liberation?”

The question hit her like a ton of bricks. The color drained from her face, and she began to tremble. Her answer was now so obvious, the whole room fell awkwardly silent.

But staying silent wasn’t going to help anyone.

“Yui... It’s okay to be scared,” Aoki soothed. “Anybody would be freaked out if their body started actin’ on impulse.”

“What is it about the Liberation that scares you, specifically?” Taichi asked.

At his question, Kiriyama’s eyes welled up with tears, and her lip began to quiver.

Nagase shot him an icy glare. “Taichi! Would it kill you to be a little more gentle with her?”

“Urk... Sorry...”

“He went about it the right way, if you ask me. Better than tiptoeing around her like she’s made of glass.”

“What you think isn’t important right now, Inaban. This is about Yui!”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever...” Inaba dismissed Nagase’s anger with a wave of her hand. “So, Yui. What is it about the Liberation that makes you want to isolate yourself? We’ve been over how it works, yes? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t blame you if you were afraid of not knowing when your body might start acting on its own... So, is that it?”

Kiriyama nodded, her gaze averted.

“Seriously?” Inaba continued. “Give me a fucking break. You’re not the only one who has to suffer through this shit.”

“Well, I can’t help it! I... I don’t want to hurt anyone else...!” Fat tears rolled down Kiriyama’s cheeks. More than anything, she was afraid of what she might do to the others. That much was painfully clear. “Th... The day of the incident... I saw those guys harassing that girl... and I thought to myself, ‘God, those scumbags. Someone ought to help her’... and then... I heard a [voice] in my head... and the next thing I knew, I lost all control...”

“Yeah, but,” Nagase cut in, “«Heartseed» was the one who made you—”

“BUT IT WAS MY FAULT FOR WANTING TO BEAT THEM UP IN THE FIRST PLACE!” Kiriyama screamed.

Taichi didn’t blame her for feeling scared or guilty. After all, those emotions—those desires—couldn’t be pawned off on anyone else. They were one hundred percent her own. And there was no denying that fact.

“Unlike you guys, I have a lot of negative impulses when it comes to men, so... honestly, anything could happen. There’s no telling what I might do... That’s why I can’t leave my house.”

She had every right to feel that way, or so Taichi thought.

But the next instant—

“Quit trying to play the victim card,” Inaba spat, her expression twisted in contempt, her eyes narrowed in a glare so sharp it threatened to draw blood. “You think you get a free pass to hide in your room? You’re not special.”

Inaba was livid.

But was it really her saying these things, or was she Liberated?

“W-Well... but... This way I can’t hurt anyone... right?”

Inaba leaned in close to Kiriyama as she trembled in fear. “Do you actually comprehend the situation we find ourselves in? Do you? Because I get the feeling you don’t.”

“Inaban!”

“I-Inabacchan!”

“Calm down, Inaba!”

But Inaba didn’t stop.

“We are in the palm of that fucker’s hand right now. Supposedly it wants us to entertain it, hence it’s making us do all this body-swap and Liberation shit. Are you with me so far?”

Her anger had cowed them all into silence. No one dared say a word. Even Taichi wasn’t sure what to do; after all, Inaba wasn’t trying to attack her. She was just... talking.

“Granted, you’re right about one thing: of all the options available to us in the face of this Liberation phenomenon, I admit, hiding is the safest. But sometimes, the best option is also the worst.”

He recalled the question she had once asked «Heartseed»: Is there a rule against isolating ourselves?

“As long as you’re in a safe place with no one else around, nothing will happen. Thus, it’s our best defense against the phenomenon, as well as an offensive tactic against «Heartseed».” Inaba stood up and put one foot on Kiriyama’s bed. “But let me ask you this: Is that entertaining for it?” They could only guess, since they had no way of knowing for sure, but the answer was probably no. “I’ll ask you again: Is this entertaining for «Heartseed»? And if not, what do you think it’s going to do about that? The way I see the situation, there are three possible outcomes. One, it gives up. Two, it waits for things to improve. Or three, it finds a way to spice things up.”

Inaba had clearly spent a lot of time analyzing their circumstances. Taichi was sincerely impressed... and a bit intimidated.

“Believe it or not, I actually asked that thing if isolating ourselves was a valid option. And you know what it said? ‘It sounds interesting. Alternatively, if need be, I can make it interesting.’ ”

Kiriyama stopped crying and froze in place. The color drained from her complexion.

“In other words, it won’t be taking option number one. It’ll be either two or three. That said, its word doesn’t mean shit, so we’ll have to take everything it says with a grain of salt... but there’s still a chance it meant just what it said. Really, the most critical thing to be aware of here is that it has the power to intervene.” Inaba’s soliloquy had reached its climax. “So, are you just gonna keep hiding so it drags this Liberation shit out as long as possible? Or are you actually trying to give it a reason to make things worse for us? Are you even aware of the burden you’re putting on everyone else while you have your little pity party in here? Well?!”

Kiriyama’s expression crumpled. “I just... I don’t know... I don’t know what to do...!”

“We’re not here to coddle you. Stop crying and grow the fuck up!”

That was the last straw.

“Inaban! Enough!” Nagase shouted. But it was too late.

Kiriyama dove under her blankets and began to sob convulsively, her voice audibly muffled, like she was trying to hold herself back. It was agony to watch.

Finished with her little speech, Inaba just stood there in silence. Then Nagase climbed onto the bed and began to stroke Kiriyama’s back—gingerly, like a broken toy.

In response, Inaba put her foot back down on the floor and backed off. Her expression was now ghostly pale, without a trace of the aggression from moments earlier, and she was biting her lip so hard Taichi worried she might draw blood.

Inaba was known for her blunt and often caustic personality, but even she would ordinarily never be that harsh with Yui. Surely her outburst had indeed been a result of Liberation.

She looked utterly destroyed, and Taichi just didn’t know what to say to her after that... Then she collapsed onto the edge of the bed.

“I’m sorry, Yui. I didn’t mean to blow up at you like that... Hell, I didn’t mean to get that angry in the first place... I just got Liberated, that’s all... I know you’re suffering... I know you must feel so much guilt over hurting those people... What I said was cruel, and I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” Desperate to patch things up, she reached out to touch Kiriyama.

“But... that’s... how you really feel... isn’t it?” Kiriyama choked between sobs.

Inaba’s hand wavered, then fell limply back at her side.

A chill ran down Taichi’s spine. This was the true danger of the Liberation, and now it threatened to break them apart.

In the end, they never did convince Kiriyama to leave her house that day.

■□■□■

Kiriyama didn’t show up to school the following morning, either.

Naturally, everyone in their grade was gossiping about the vigilante heroine-turned-absentee student. And because Taichi was a fellow associate in her club, people asked him about her. A lot.

Consumed with worry, he found himself thinking about her during class—and stopped himself. What if he got Liberated right then? Would he try to get up and leave in the middle of the lecture? After all, he had one such incident under his belt already.

Ever since Nagase’s “Mario moment,” the CRC had managed to avoid causing any spectacles at school. Of course, it helped that by default, each person only got Liberated anywhere from zero to three times per day, but the biggest contributor was the preventative measure Inaba had come up with: Either focus 100% on class, or sleep.

Nagase and Inaba were both skilled in choosing when to focus and when to sleep. As for Aoki, who struggled to pay attention even on a good day, he had a power move: stay up all night long, then conk out during class.

As for Taichi, paying attention in class came naturally to him. Were he Liberated, the worst that ever happened was that he would start asking the teacher a few too many questions.

Can’t think about Kiriyama right now... Just focus on the lesson and worry about it later...

And so time ticked by, second by second.

That day, during break...

The next class was to be held in a different classroom, so Classroom 1-C was nearly empty.

“Let’s get a move on, Yaegashi! We’re gonna be late!” Watase Shingo called, and Taichi got to his feet.

Just then, an angry shout rang out in the classroom.

“How should I know?! Stop asking me!”

It was Nagase.

“Sheesh. I was just wondering what’s up with that Kiriyama girl, that’s all,” replied the subject of Nagase’s ire, pouting her lips.

“You think you want to know?! Try being me!” Nagase shouted back. Then she froze, and her eyes widened.

“God, what’s got your panties in a bunch?” the other girl snapped back.

“Oh... No, I... I didn’t mean... uh... I didn’t mean to yell at you...” Nagase mumbled sheepishly. It must have been Liberation at work.

Taichi started to head over there—and stopped himself again. What if he got Liberated right as he came to Nagase’s rescue? Hadn’t he already tried to physically hurt Fujishima Maiko for little more than a joke at Nagase’s expense?

Then again, the chances of Liberation striking at precisely that moment were relatively low—

No, wait. Even if «Heartseed» claimed the phenomenon would strike purely at random, it could still control the change manually, too. And if it happened to be paying close attention right now, would it let this opportunity slip by?

“You really think you’re all that, don’t you? You’re so full of yourself.” The other girl’s face was flushed with rage.

“No... That’s not true...”

“What’s wrong? Aren’t you gonna go save your princess?” Watase asked. He’d phrased it like a joke, but the look in his eyes was dead serious.

“Well...”

He could see Inaba Himeko standing right nearby. Surely he could entrust the matter to her.

Or so he thought.

And yet Inaba barely glanced at Nagase before leaving the classroom.

This upset Taichi even more than Nagase’s outburst. How could she abandon Nagase in what was clearly a moment of crisis? There must have been some mistake. Maybe she was wrestling with her own Liberation or something...

“Hey!”

Watase’s voice brought him back to reality.

Right. I have to help Nagase!

But before he could take another step, a shadow fell over the two bickering students.

It was Fujishima Maiko, president of Class 1-C.

“Stop right there, both of you.” She moved between them and, with a hand on each of their shoulders, gently pushed them both apart. Then she stood next to Nagase and turned to face the other girl. “Sorry about this, Setouchi-san. Nagase-san here is just a bit sensitive when it comes to Kiriyama-san. Not to mention, she’s been asked the same question over and over all day today, so I imagine she was already a bit on edge. Isn’t that right, Nagase-san?” Adjusting her glasses, she turned to look at Nagase.

“Huh? Oh, uh... Yeah... Lately I’ve been really freaked out about it, actually... so I’m just kind of emotional right now... But still, you were just trying to ask me a question. You didn’t deserve me biting your head off over it. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.” Nagase bowed her head in a sincere apology.

“Whoa... No need to apologize. I mean, it’s not that serious... Look, I’m sorry too. I got kinda pissed just now, and I said something pretty uncool. Kinda pathetic of me, actually.”

“No, it’s fine. After the way I acted, I don’t blame you for getting mad... Oh crap, class is gonna start! We should head over there!” Nagase turned to look at Fujishima. “Thanks, Fujishima-san.”

And so it all turned out just fine without Taichi’s help.

“Damn, Fujishima-san is so badass!”

Watase’s remark went in one ear and out the other.

■□■□■

School ended for the day.

Every time Taichi started to think about Kiriyama, or Nagase, or Inaba, he was forced to stop himself partway through. He was afraid of getting emotional... afraid of those emotions getting Liberated.

But once school was over, there was nothing to fear. They could meet up in the clubroom where it was safe, and if anything happened, the others would be there to stop him and vice versa.

The frustratingly pathetic truth of the matter was, he knew he wouldn’t be able to figure this out on his own. But with a little help from everyone else, surely it would work out somehow.

Unfortunately, those hopes were summarily dashed.

“I’m going straight home today,” Inaba blurted as Taichi was packing his bookbag. “Already cleared it with Iori. Bye.” With that, she promptly sped out of the classroom, her posture perfectly straight.

“What...? Hey, wait!”

He couldn’t just let her leave. After all, they had yet to resolve the Kiriyama problem, and they needed to talk about it.

Jumping to his feet, Taichi hurried after her. By the time he made it to the hallway, she was already nearly at her shoe locker. He had to run down the hall to catch her.

“Hold on a sec, Inaba! What do you mean, you’re going straight home? Do you have an errand to run or something?”

“Not really.” Inaba changed out of her indoor shoes, then closed her locker with a metallic bang.

“You don’t? Okay, but... but Kiriyama still isn’t back at school!”

“So what?” Inaba turned and headed outside through the main entrance.

Taichi followed after her. “What do you mean, ‘so what’? We gotta talk about going to see her, obviously!”

“I can’t go. I’ll just make things worse.”

Give me a break, Taichi thought bitterly. Isn’t it kind of heartless to leave a friend to suffer all alone?

He felt anger surge up inside his chest... but then he realized.

Maybe Inaba was still feeling guilty about what happened the day before. Maybe she was suffering the same as Kiriyama—the pain of hurting someone else.

But then he heard a voice in his head.

[Is that any excuse?]

And it was too late.

The now-familiar sensation descended over him. His skin flushed, and his consciousness floated out of his body, still perfectly lucid.

Oh god, please no.

He tried to tell her he was Liberated, but he couldn’t. His mouth was moving of its own accord.

“Make things worse? So you’re just going to give up, is that it? Well, you can’t. We still have to do something.”

At last, Inaba stopped short. “You know what your problem is? You assume everyone is like you. You think we’re all strong enough to put other people first. Well, I’m not. I’m having a hard enough time as it is just dealing with my own shit!”

“That doesn’t give you the right to abandon people when they’re hurting!”

“Maybe you expect me to be some perfect fucking saint, but I’m just not, okay?!”

He desperately tried to stop himself, but to no avail. His impulses had overridden everything. Was it proof of how strongly he felt about it? Was this ultimately just the sort of person he was?

Still the Liberation refused to end.

“I’m disappointed in you, Inaba. I can’t believe you would turn your back on your friends.” Stop! Don’t say that! That’s messed up! “I thought you were better than that.”

The cruelty of it all turned his stomach.

Inaba stared at him in wide-eyed shock for a moment. Then her expression crumpled.

Never before had he seen her so openly hurt... so blatantly on the verge of tears.

Then he realized the fever had left his body. He was in control again. But there was a tightness in his chest that kept him rooted in place, unable to move an inch. He couldn’t begin to imagine how much he must have hurt her just now.

“Well then... Sorry I don’t meet your standards,” she shot back in a watery voice before storming away, cutting across the athletic field and out through the front gates.

Taichi didn’t go after her. He couldn’t.

With Inaba gone, the mood in the clubroom was heavy and oppressive. After a brief discussion, Taichi, Nagase, and Aoki went to Kiriyama’s house.

Unfortunately, it didn’t fix anything.

■□■□■

The next day, after spending all of the day before wallowing in self-loathing, Taichi left his house early so he could apologize to Inaba first thing that morning.

She was an important part of his life; he had a deep respect for her and trusted her more than anyone else. And it was specifically because he thought so highly of her that he ended up saying the things he did.

But the way he phrased it made it sound like she only had value if she was helpful to others.

At the time, he’d been too busy worrying about Kiriyama to pay proper attention to anyone else. Her pain was just as valid as Kiriyama’s, but he’d failed to see that. And now his stupidity had hurt her even more. He cursed himself for being so pathetic.

The moment he entered the classroom, he walked straight over to Inaba’s desk. As usual, she had arrived early.

“Not sure if you got my email last night, but... I’m really sorry for all the stupid crap I said. I was too busy freaking out over the Kiriyama thing, and then I got Liberated, and at that point nothing else seemed to matter, and...”

As he spoke, he wondered what good these excuses would do.

Inaba was smiling, but there was something forlorn in her expression. It reminded him of the tearful look in her eyes from the day before, and his heart ached.

“Eh... It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, it is, actually. I put my own feelings over yours, and—”

“I’m not that hung up on it, to be honest. You said what you said because you care about Yui from the bottom of your heart, right? That’s nothing to beat yourself up over.” She smiled vaguely. “But... I think I’m gonna pass on hanging out in the clubroom or going to Yui’s place. I just need a little time... I’m only human, you know.”

Her tone was gentle—too gentle. Even in the midst of her own suffering, she was still doing her best to reassure him. This only made him feel even more guilty.

She was in pain, and he desperately wanted to help her. But after what happened the previous day, it felt like maybe he was only trying to help people because he personally couldn’t stand to have to see it... in which case, if he got more involved with her, he’d probably just end up hurting her again. The thought terrified him.

For the first time he understood how Inaba felt trying to keep her distance. If staying away from her would help her heal, then maybe it was for the best.

But there was still one thing he needed to make absolutely clear.

“Listen... I want you around, Inaba. You’re one of my best friends, and you matter to me. If at any point you need my help, please, just say the word. Until then... come back soon, okay?”

If nothing else, he could be certain he sincerely meant it.

“Alright. Now get lost, would you? I gotta start focusing on the lesson here in a minute.”

The softness in her voice sounded a lot like sadness.

■□■□■

As with yesterday, the only people who turned up at the clubroom that day were Taichi, Nagase, and Aoki.

Kiriyama still hadn’t come to school. The three of them had gone to see her the day before, but hadn’t accomplished much in the process.

“No Inabacchan again today?”

“Nope... I think she still feels bad about all the stuff she said to Yui. She seems tough on the outside, but she’s actually pretty sensitive, you know?” Nagase explained quietly. It was clear just how much she cared for Inaba.

“I think... maybe we should just give her a little space for now,” Taichi suggested. He hated the implication that they were better off ignoring her, but at the same time, it felt like the right thing to do for Inaba’s sake—at least, for the time being, anyway.

“It’s kinda empty in here...” Nagase muttered to herself, gazing at the two unoccupied folding chairs where Inaba and Kiriyama should have been sitting.

The absence of his two good friends had left a gaping hole in Taichi’s chest. For the briefest of moments, he contemplated whether the whole club might just fall apart at this rate.

“Well, we know Inaba will probably come back after a while, so for now let’s focus on Kiriyama,” he declared, and with that, the discussion began.

Unfortunately, no amount of brainstorming brought them to a potential solution for the current crisis.

“Going back to that earlier suggestion—”

“Taichi, we already went over that,” Nagase interrupted.

They were going in circles. He sighed loudly. There was simply nothing left to debate.

“Man, what do we do...?” Aoki asked, staring up at the ceiling as he lay sprawled out on the couch.

“It’s hard to tell what the best option might be... Inaban made a good point, but I don’t think Yui’s completely in the wrong, either...” Nagase mumbled.

—Hiding is the safest. But sometimes, the best option is also the worst.

Was dragging Kiriyama outside truly the right move? They just couldn’t be sure. And without that conviction, it was hard to take action. To make matters worse, any excessively emotional situation had the potential to go terribly wrong.

They were at a total loss.

His frustration intensified.

...[Save her.]...

He thought he heard a faint voice.

He thought he felt his body growing hot.

His mouth moved of its own accord. “I... I just don’t think it’s healthy for Kiriyama to stay cooped up in her room.”

“But... but going outside’ll just hurt her even more!” Aoki argued.

“Plus, she might hurt other people... Then again, that’s no different from any of us, honestly,” Nagase pointed out.

He was so sick of hearing the same crap over and over. His mouth moved again. “But she’s falling apart in there!”

How could they not see how critical that was?

The last time they saw her, she looked like a mere shadow of her old self. He couldn’t bear to see her like that any longer.

“Is doin’ something ‘bout Yui all you care about? I’m tellin’ ya, we gotta think ahead!” Aoki snapped.

“Kiriyama needs our help right now. Everything else can wait!”

As far as he was concerned, she was the priority.

“Gee, I was wondering when you’d show up, Captain Helper-itis! Gonna sacrifice yourself to fix everything again?”

“What’s your problem? I’m pretty sure you want to help her just as bad as I do!”

Wait... Was his mouth actually moving all by itself?

And yet he couldn’t stop.

“Sure, I want to, but I don’t know how!”

“Then let’s just go see her!”

“And do what?”

“We’ll figure it out!”

“You mean like how we ‘figured it out’ yesterday and the day before that? Oh, wait! We didn’t!”

“Well, sitting around here sure isn’t going to solve anything!”

They needed to take action. Nothing would change unless they took the next step.

“Guys, come on... Knock it off...”

“Fine then. I’ll go to her house by myself today.” Taichi grabbed his bookbag and got to his feet. Continuing this conversation any longer would only be a waste of time.

“Excuse me!? I don’t think so!”

“Today I’m doing things my way. Maybe you can’t save her, but I can.”

“Who the hell do you think you are, Taichi?! You think you can do anything, is that it?!”

“I’ve done it before, haven’t I? And I sure don’t recall you ever accomplishing much.”

Suddenly, Aoki froze, eyes wide, and his expression shifted.

Taichi could recognize the signs now. Aoki was Liberated.

“Guys, please, just st—”

“Last time you just got lucky! Quit tryin’ to hog the spotlight all to yourself!” Aoki jumped out of his chair and marched over to Taichi.

Taichi shoved him backwards. “I’m not hogging the spotlight! I’m helping Kiriyama!”

“Helping her? You’re just a ‘goddamn martyr’ who doesn’t wanna have to see her cry!”

“Screw you! At least I’m not a useless clod like you!”

“Wanna say that again, asshole?!”

“BOTH OF YOU, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!” Nagase screamed at the top of her lungs. She dove in between the two of them and used both hands to force them apart, eyes ablaze. Was she Liberated, too?

Taichi lost his balance and stumbled back a few steps.

“Taichi, quit being so self-righteous! And Aoki, that’s your jealousy talking!” she yelled, her ponytail swaying violently. “Are either of you even thinking about what’s best for Yui right now?! Or are both of you just tired of having to see her suffer?!”

[Don’t get in my way.]

He heard a voice in his head. This time, it was clear as day.

His body burned so hot, it made molten lava seem like a pleasant bath by comparison.

His senses grew numb.

He was now undeniably Liberated.

Wait, but then what was all that before now? Had he just assumed he was Liberated? Imagined a voice in his head? Had he wanted to give in to his impulses?

He wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. Was he lashing out because of his own failings?

His body and mind felt more separated than ever before. His consciousness seemed to float away.

Now that he was Liberated, the emotion he felt most strongly would combine with the desire to help Kiriyama and override all else. Only one detail mattered: that someone was trying to interfere.

Stop! he wanted to scream. But he couldn’t. Instead—

“Move!” Taichi shouted, and shoved Nagase to the side.

He didn’t push that hard. He was just trying to get her out of the way.

But he was a guy, and he was stronger than she was.

It caught her off-guard.

Nagase lost her balance and slammed face-first into the metal lockers against the wall. She whimpered and fell to her knees, clutching her head.

All at once, the fever faded from his body, and his sensed returned in full force. Instantly he ran over to her. “A-Are you okay, Nagase?!”

It was then that Aoki delivered the final blow.

“See what I mean?! Your stupid narcissism hurts everyone else around you!”

His heart felt like it was in a vice.

Aoki was right.

He was arrogant. He would do anything to not have to see people suffering, even if it meant the person he loved most would pay the price.

He wasn’t capable of saving anyone.

Taichi stared blankly for a few moments. Then Aoki froze.

“...No, I take that back! I crossed a line... I’m... sorry...” Aoki’s voice petered out.

Everything after that flew by in a blur. He couldn’t quite remember, but they’d probably decided to go home. He recalled Nagase’s forehead being a bit red... apologizing to her dozens of times... and he remembered her saying, “There’s nothing to apologize for. I got Liberated and forced my way in between you, and you were just trying to get me to move.”

Other than that, it all felt hazy, like a dream.

That night, Taichi curled up under his blanket. He had hurt someone—the one special girl in his life—and that terrified him.

Then it hit him.

Ah... Now I know how Kiriyama feels.

■□■□■

I fucked up.

So I decided to keep my distance.

I didn’t want to destroy everything.

But at the same time, they had expectations of me.

Expectations too big for me to fill... but I went along with it anyway.

It felt good to feel needed. I wanted to earn a place among them. So I crafted a false version of myself.

Now the illusion is crumbling. Serves me right.

Maybe I can never go back.

The thought makes my chest ache.

I miss them so much.

Without their reassurance, my mind wanders into so many dark places.

Once again, I find myself too scared to go near them.

I don’t want to hurt them... but it breaks my heart to stay away.

Where do I go? Where do I put myself? Where do I belong?

I ought to be worrying about her, like everyone else.

And yet I keep thinking only of myself, over and over and over and over and over and over.

I hate myself so goddamn much.

They all think I’m so much better than I actually am. But the mask will slip eventually.

He was the last person I wanted to see me like that.

Him, of all people. Him. Him. Him.

I can’t be who they want me to be. Not anymore.

I’m so stupid... I’m trash...

■□■□■

The next day, no one turned up at Rec Hall Room 401.