Chapter 7: I Am My Own Lord

The two of them took a taxi to the nearest business hotel, where they spent the rest of the night. Then, the following morning, they caught the first bullet train home.

As they (read: Taichi) had feared, the snow caused some minor delays along the way, but thankfully they would make it back to their neighborhood with plenty of time to get to their hideout (though not enough time to stop by their houses first, unfortunately).

As they stepped off the train onto the station platform, Aoki stretched his arms widely. “Whew... Home at last! It’s cold, but not that cold, y’know? But it’s still freakin’ cold!”

“Man, I’m beat... And we’ve got a whole day of Regression ahead of us, too...”

“Aw, chin up, Taichi! It’ll fly by before ya know it!”

“How do you have so much energy after all that...?”

Seriously, the guy was way too chipper. Maybe he’d built up some energy reserves while he was brooding over the past few days.

“Alright, Taichi, let’s sprint all the way there!”

“What? Why? We can still make it if we just walk!”

“There’s something I gotta tell Yui, ASAP. Let’s go!”

“I told you to quit running! Did you forget faceplanting yesterday when you slipped on the ice?!”

And so the two of them arrived at the abandoned building. They had run so fast, it took several minutes for both of them to catch their breath.

“Next time... if you need to communicate something ASAP... let’s keep it to a light jog at best...”

“N-No way... What’s the... point in that...?”

Taichi didn’t really understand his logic, but whatever.

“Why would you waste your energy running all the way here? Are you people braindead?” Inaba regarded them coldly. Predictably, she was less than impressed.

“Oh, Taichiii...!” Nagase called out in a singsong voice. “Where’s our souvenirs?”

“Didn’t bring any.”

“Wh-WHAT?! You went on a trip and didn’t even get us any souvenirs?!”

“I didn’t go there for fun...”

“Yeah, but you were just along for the ride, right? So the whole point of you being there was to buy souvenirs! Right?!”

“Frankly, I don’t remember the topic of souvenirs entering the picture at any point.”

“I’m not sure what you were expecting, Iori,” Inaba cut in.

Finally, someone around here is on my side—

“This is why I told you to ask him over email. Good grief.”

“...Could you guys maybe not treat me like a walking ATM? Just a thought.”

Seriously, the cost of that trip had been nothing to sneeze at.

“Isn’t it only natural to expect one’s future boyfriend to shower us with gifts? That said, I plan to be a very egalitarian girlfriend. I don’t mind if we split the bill on all our dates.”

“Inaban! I told you to quit slipping in little comments like that! It’s not fair! By the way, I’ll do the same thing she said plus I’ll also cook for you and stuff.”

“If anything’s ‘not fair,’ it’s your little ‘plus’ just now! Don’t copy me just to make yourself look better!”

“L-Look... It was my fault for failing to pick up any souvenirs, so...”

“So...?” the girls asked in unison, whipping their heads in his direction, eyes agleam.

“...I’ll get you some sort of gift sometime soon.”

The two girls turned and high-fived each other.

“You guys weren’t intentionally setting me up to say that, were you...?” Taichi mumbled to himself. The fact of the matter was, he couldn’t prove they weren’t... and that was the most frightening part.

Just then—

“Yui!” Aoki called out.

All at once, the cheer in the room evaporated. Silence fell.

Kiriyama was leaning against the cold concrete wall, looking out of place.

Then Nagase and Inaba sighed, and Taichi realized they must have been purposely trying to delay the Aoki-Kiriyama conversation as long as possible.

Inaba sighed a second time, then cut in, “Can it wait until after today’s Regression, at least? Once the phenomenon kicks in, some of us may not be around to help—”

“I need to say it now. Please.”

Inaba shook her head in exasperation. “Fine, fine. Want us to step outside?”

“No, that’s okay. It’s too cold out there.”

Aoki walked over to Kiriyama, then came to a stop a few meters away. She didn’t turn to look at him; instead, she kept her eyes firmly on the floor, her head turned in Taichi’s direction.

As for Nagase and Inaba, they quietly moved out of the way so they wouldn’t interrupt.

“The first time I realized just how much you look like Nishino Nana, I was totally blown away. Obviously you reminded me of her from the start, but after a while I stopped thinking about it, y’know?”

Kiriyama didn’t respond.

“I don’t care too much about the past. I only pay attention to the way I feel here in the present. That’s why I don’t think too hard about a lot of stuff,” Aoki continued. “And when I remembered the way I used to feel in the past... it kinda freaked me out. So I tried to tell myself that I love you, not her. That I didn’t know what love was back then, so it didn’t count. But... it didn’t feel right.” He looked up at empty air for a moment, almost searching for something. “So then I decided I needed to figure out how I really felt... and to do that, I needed to go see Nana. So... I did.”

Kiriyama swallowed.

“That’s when I realized—I really did love her. It did count. And I was wrong to try to pretend otherwise.”

“I see,” she responded for the first time, keeping her voice controlled.

“After all, I was just... being myself. Following my heart.”

After taking a deep, introspective look at his own feelings, this was his conclusion.

“And that hasn’t changed. I’m still just as true to myself—maybe even more so, actually.”

Kiriyama raised her head slightly.

“So I won’t try to discount the way I feel now. I’m gonna love myself for who I am at every point in my life. No shame. No regrets. I’m gonna be proud of my life, even the bad parts or the stuff I wish I could forget. After all, I was just being myself... and now those memories are all I have left.”

Taichi couldn’t begin to imagine the courage it must have taken for Aoki to make the decision to be proud of his whole life unconditionally... nor the events that had led him to this decision in the first place.

“Gutless”? Aoki was anything but. It was obvious he took his life way more seriously than the rest of them.

“I used to be in love with Nishino Nana. But now I’m in love with Kiriyama Yui. And what’s wrong with that?” Aoki declared—boldly, directly, without hesitation.

Taichi was so overwhelmed, he forgot to breathe.

Then Kiriyama looked up at Aoki. “Meaning?”

“What I’m tryin’ to say is... I, Aoki Yoshifumi, love you, Kiriyama Yui.”

Kiriyama froze wordlessly for a moment. For a few seconds she stood perfectly still, like a statue. Then she looked back at the floor.

“But... that’s just because I look like Nishino-san...”

“Nope. Not at all. Nana’s her own person, and so are you. Maybe I wasn’t sure before, but I promise you, I’m one-hundred percent confident now.” As she stared down at the ground, he continued, “I mean, yeah, admittedly you do look like her. And maybe you guys have similar personalities in some regards. But all that really means is... I have a type, and you both fit it.” He shot her a lighthearted grin. “That reminds me... I’ve always preferred girls with long hair, and when I mentioned that to Nana, she started growing hers out...”

Here he was, cheerfully recounting a story about an old flame to his current crush as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

“Not that I fall for people based entirely on looks, anyways.”

“What do you base it on, then? Personality?” Kiriyama asked, her voice a faint whisper.

“Mmm... No, that’s not quite it, either... How do I describe it? It’s like... I fall in love with the whole person?” He swayed back and forth, but his tone was firm.

“The whole person?”

“Yeah, like... I fell in love with Nishino Nana as a person... and now I’ve fallen for a different person named Kiriyama Yui.”

“Why...? What good am I? What value do I have to offer anyone...?” she asked in a watery voice that suggested the floodgates were threatening to burst open at any moment.

“To me, in this moment, you’re more valuable than anyone else in the world.”

Speaking logically, no one could claim to be more valuable than any other person in the entire world. But Aoki wasn’t speaking logically. He didn’t need logic.

“I’ll say it again: I’m in love with you.” With that, he fell silent. He didn’t feel the need to ask her to change. Evidently he had chosen to leave it up to her.

The silence was broken only by the sound of sniffling. Aoki had overpowered the room—the cold, the darkness, the smell of decay, all of it overwritten by his love.

As for Kiriyama, the recipient of said love, Taichi couldn’t imagine how she must have felt.

“...thetic... Totally p...” she muttered inaudibly, rubbing her eyes.

“Huh? Sorry, what’d you s—”

“Pathetic! Pathetic! PATHETIC! PATHETIC!” All of a sudden, she slammed her tear-stained hands into the wall, and for a moment Taichi worried the whole building might collapse. Eyes red, jaw clenched, she took a deep breath and roared—

“THIS IS ALL SO PATHETIC!”

“Y-Yui?!”

“...Honestly... I knew all along.”

This time her voice was the sea after a storm—quiet, yet oppressive. It was clear that Aoki had driven her into a corner.

“And I knew I needed to confront it... but I kept hesitating... You didn’t push me for an answer, so I just kept waiting for the ‘right time’...” She balled her hands into fists. “I kept telling myself I wanted to take the next step, but that was total BS. And everyone around me told me I could just take my time, so that’s what I did. I told myself it would all work itself out someday... but ‘someday’ conveniently never came.” She lowered her head, and her hair fell in front of her eyes as she continued her monologue. “I know I’m the biggest, most pathetic loser out of all of us. That much is super obvious. I never try to put in the effort to confront my problems... I just keep running away like a coward...” She paused, sniffling. “The truth is, I just never wanted to admit it. I couldn’t. And with each passing day, it got harder and harder... because I knew... the second I admitted it... it’d be proof that I wasted two years of my life for nothing!”

At last the dam burst, and tears streamed down her cheeks. Something inside her had finally given way.

“It hurts so much... It hurts... It hurts! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!” she screamed, hair disheveled.

“Wh-What hurts? Are you okay, Yui?” Aoki asked.

Unfortunately, his question fell on deaf ears.

“But you know what?! I DON’T GET TO USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE!”

There was no stopping her now. This was her moment to confess... to repent.

“Oh, I’m afraid of men? So what?! Why did I let that keep me from my karate training?! Couldn’t I have just explained it to them?! I’m sure they would’ve made special arrangements for me if I’d just asked... so why didn’t I ask?! Was I afraid of word getting out? Did I want to forget it ever happened? God, why was I such a baby?! I could’ve tried to look for a girls-only dojo! So why didn’t I think to try?!”

She wasn’t talking to them. She was speaking directly to her past self—a version of her that would never return.

“No, actually... That’s just another excuse, isn’t it?! I mean, sure, that was part of it, but there was definitely more to it. Deep down I always felt it, but... lately I’ve made the connection...”

Perhaps the Regression had helped her put the pieces together—by physically sending her back to that era of her life.

“I told myself I could never win against a man... and I resented them for being able to overpower me without even trying... and from there I started looking down on the entire concept of putting in effort, didn’t I?!”

For once, Kiriyama was confronting everything about herself without trying to skirt around the unpleasant parts—just as Aoki had.

“I don’t know for sure if I’m right. All I know is that I kept running away from it! And I never once tried to fight back!” She gasped for breath, shoulders shaking, as if this rant had used up all her energy—and yet she kept on scraping the bottom of the barrel to yell some more. “So what if I have androphobia?! So what if I start shaking like a leaf anytime a guy gets too close?! So what if I’m physically repulsed by their touch?! Couldn’t I have found a solution?! Why did I give up before I ever tried?!”

She screamed as if she were carving the words into her very soul. Though at first glance it may have seemed like any other tantrum, this was clearly an important moment for her.

“If I was so desperate to find a reason—any reason—to quit... then it was never a reason at all, was it?! It was just an excuse!”

She had a point. Valid justification was not reason enough to give up entirely.

“My androphobia is no excuse! It’s just that—a phobia! It doesn’t make my body shut down! I still get the choice to fight it if I want to! I just never chose to do anything but run away!”

Indeed—excluding the presence of the Liberation phenomenon, she was always in charge of her own actions. She always had a choice. And that choice was hers to make.

“I never tried to confront it! I never tried to take the next step! THE PROBLEM WAS ALWAYS ME!” she howled up at the dull gray ceiling. Then she fell to her knees and sat there, unmoving, as though the well had finally run dry. She looked visibly exhausted—but there was nothing the others could do for her.

More accurately, they didn’t think it necessary to do anything. They had witnessed the burning passion of a girl who had broken out of her shell, torn down her walls, and lay bare her vulnerabilities for all the world to see.

“When did I stop caring?” she scoffed quietly. “Back then I always hated losing... so what happened? When did I start just... shrugging my shoulders anytime I failed?” She looked up and tilted her head in contemplation. “Like, why would I ask someone else what my value is? I’m the one who decides that. If I don’t want to be an NPC... then all I have to do is steal the spotlight.” She pushed herself back onto her feet. “In the past I used to be able to move forward on my own... so when did I start using everyone around me as a crutch?!”

Kiriyama stomped her foot, hands clenched into fists, a fire burning in her eyes. She paused to take a few deep breaths, then wiped her tears and looked around at the others. Her expression was one of firm resolve.

“I’m done running. I’m done dragging my feet. And I’m done being coddled. I’m gonna fight my own battles. I’m gonna move on,” she declared. “And I’m gonna get stronger.”

With that, she walked right up to Aoki and looked up at him.

She had made her choice.

“I’m really sorry for the way I’ve been acting all this time. You never pushed me too hard, so I used that as an excuse to take my sweet time. And... I’m sorry for all the other stuff, too... All the things I put you through... all the stuff I said... and most of all, I’m sorry for throwing this stupid tantrum.”

“C’mon. You know you don’t gotta apologize for all that.”

“Yeah... you’re right.” Kiriyama smiled softly—a warm, bright, beautiful smile. “Thank you, Aoki. Really. By being so open with me, you’ve given me the strength to move forward.”

Aoki glanced away, scratching his head. “Aw, shucks... You’re makin’ me blush...”

Then Kiriyama brightened up suddenly. “Say... How would you feel if I hugged you?”

“Wha?! Dude, I’d be stoked, obviously! Who wouldn’t wanna hug their favorite gi—”

The next moment, Kiriyama wrapped her arms tightly around Aoki’s midsection. Kiriyama, as in the girl who suffered from androphobia. The girl who trembled when any guy got too close... who felt physically sick at their touch.

Then her body began to shake—hard. Practically one step below a full-on seizure. Regardless, she buried her face in Aoki’s chest.

Nagase began to approach them, mildly apprehensive. “Y-Yui... You don’t have to—”

But Inaba grabbed her shoulder. “Stop.”

As for Aoki, he was frozen in place like a statue, his arms sticking out at weird angles. Evidently he was so startled, he’d forgotten how to speak.

Then Kiriyama’s violent shaking began to subside, little by little. Occasionally she would twitch like she’d been zapped with electricity, but over time that too began to fade... Then, suddenly, the violent shaking picked up again—but Kiriyama refused to let go. She turned her head to the side, almost like she was coming up for air, and Taichi could see a waterfall of sweat streaming down her face as she clenched her jaw in fear.

Then the shaking grew softer once more.

Little by little... little by little...

And then, finally... it stopped.

Kiriyama let go of Aoki—and punched him lightly in the chest. Overwhelmed, he collapsed on the spot.

“I won.” She grinned impishly, sweat still pouring down her face. “See? I can do it if I try. I can do it.”

“She... She did it...?” Nagase whispered, stunned.

“I won’t lose to anyone—or anything—ever again.” Kiriyama put her hands on her hips and flipped her long, shiny, chestnut-colored hair over her shoulder, and in that moment, she radiated pure strength.

Taichi couldn’t believe how much she had changed... No, she hadn’t changed. She was always this way. She had simply gone back.

She laughed. “Weird... This feels so familiar... Almost like I’m a kid again... Like I’ve gone back to the days where I thought I was unstoppable...” With a prideful smile on her face, she began to practice her lightning-fast karate punches. “You know, Buddha has this famous saying: ‘Tenjou tenge yuiga dokuson’.” Throughout heaven and earth, I singularly am worthy of honor. “It’s got my name in it, you know?” Her tone was lighthearted, but still serious.

“Yui...” Inaba sighed. “You do realize that saying doesn’t actually mean ‘I’m number one’ or anything like that, right?”

A few seconds of silence ticked by as Kiriyama’s face flushed bright red. Classic.

“Wh-Whatever!” she shouted, flailing her arms dismissively. “The point is, I’m, like, gonna kick ass someday! End of story!”

At the end of the day, she was still the Kiriyama they all knew and loved.

“You? Kick ass? You sure about that?” Inaba asked, her tone playfully mean, and Taichi realized she must’ve no longer felt the need to handle Kiriyama with kid gloves.

“I... I’ll do my best!”

“You sure putting in all that effort will make a difference?”

“Well... maybe not...” Kiriyama replied in a small voice, and for a moment Inaba seemed to regret what she’d said— “...but I gotta believe in myself regardless, you know?”

At this, Inaba burst out laughing. “Gahahaha! You and Mr. Mentally Checked Out over there! You’re both so goddamn stupid... I love it!”

“Wh... Who’re you calling stupid?! Don’t compare me to him!”

“It’s true, though. You’re both stupid... but you’re not really stupid, you follow me? If anything, I’m the one who’s really stupid.”

“Um... Wh-What does that mean...?”

“Don’t worry about it, stupid.”

“Enough with all the ‘stupid’ this and ‘stupid’ that! Takes one to know one—Mmgghh?!”

Out of nowhere, Nagase flung herself onto Kiriyama in a tackle-hug. “You rock, Yui! You’re so badass! And such a cutie, too! A badass cutie!”

“A badass cutie... You mean it? That’s, like, totally my ideal aesthetic!” Giddy with delight, the two girls fell into some sort of strange dance routine.

While that was happening, Taichi took his phone out and checked the time—

“Guys! It’s almost noon!”

A split-second later—

“Nngah!” One moment Aoki was absently staring into space, and the next moment he’d shrunk into a small boy. “Whoa... My clothes are all baggy!”

Evidently today’s Regression affected only him.

Kiriyama pulled away from Nagase. “Come here and I’ll get you a change of clothes. By the way...” She bent down to his eye level. “How old are you, Yoshifumi-kun?”

“I’m ten.” Coincidentally, that was the same age at which Aoki had first mistaken Kiriyama for a different person, during his first Regression.

“Ten, huh? Well... It might be a bit too much to ask right now, but... I’m gonna work hard so that someday, no matter who else I happen to look like, you’ll recognize me as the one and only Kiriyama Yui,” she declared. Her smile was gentle, and yet it carried a hint of defiance.

Aoki [age 10] tilted his head, puzzled. “Whaddya mean? Of course you’re Kiriyama Yui-san. Who else could you be?” he asked as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

For a moment, this innocent statement left everyone wordless.

“Huh? Wait, but... don’t you think I look like Nishino Nana’s older sister or something?” Kiriyama asked, confused.

“Uhhh... I mean, sure, you do look like Nana... but so what? You’re your own person, Kiriyama-san.”

“Oh... Right. Of course. You’re right... I’m my own person, and so is everybody else,” Kiriyama nodded.

“Yup! And there’s no replacing any of us, y’know?”

“Hahaha... For sure... Haha...”

“What’re you laughin’ about?”

“Oh, nothing. Haha... It’s, like, just so totally obvious to me now... Hahaha! I can’t believe I needed a kid like you to point it out to me!”

Some things were obvious on an almost instinctual level, and yet at times people could lose sight of them regardless.

And so Kiriyama picked out a new outfit for him, giggling to herself all the while, though he still seemed confused as to why she was laughing in the first place.

His resolve had changed her... and now the two of them were moving forward at breakneck speeds.

Indeed, that was the moment Taichi realized—at the end of the day, it was the strength of their bonds that gave them all the power to make it through.

□■□■□

The mood in the room was peaceful as Kiriyama and Aoki [age 10] continued to chat amiably.

“Why did he recognize her this time...? Did his encounter with Nishino Nana refresh his memory or something? Or... No, never mind. It doesn’t matter,” Inaba muttered to Taichi. She sighed, then continued, “How long is this stupid Regression going to last, anyway? It’s January 3rd, and «Heartseed» still hasn’t turned up! What are we going to do if it sticks around into the new semester?”

She looked so anxious, Taichi couldn’t help but want to soothe her worries. “It’ll be okay, Inaba. I’m sure it’ll end soon,” he declared firmly.

But this would quickly prove to be his downfall. Inaba’s eyes narrowed. “How can you be so sure of that?”

“...Huh? I’m not... I’m just, y-you know, trying to look on the bright side...” he deflected. He couldn’t let her find out about «The Second», lest he break their agreement.

“Oh really? Now I’m convinced.” She grinned like a hunter closing in on her prey. The suspicion on her face had transformed into certainty. “You’re hiding something, aren’t you?”

“What’s going on, guys? Why’s it so tense all of a sudden? Just chill!”

“Butt out, Iori. Now admit it, Taichi. I’ve always wondered why you were the only exception from the Regression. It would make sense if you had some other important role to play.”

Oh god, I’m dead.

“And that look on your face tells me I’m right.”

“W-Well...”

“Hold on... Taichi, what’s going on?” Nagase asked hesitantly.

He only had one answer left to him. “I... can’t tell you.”

“What do you mean, you can’t tell us?” Inaba demanded.

“If I tell you... supposedly things will get worse.” That was the threat «The Second» had made when it first decided to sub in for «Heartseed».

“What do you mean, worse?”

“Like I said, I can’t tell you.”

“Sure you can. Any information you have will only make us stronger. You know that.”

And so Taichi caved.

“—and that’s all I know. Great, I just blabbed everything...” Taichi slumped his shoulders.

“Aww, don’t feel down, Taichi,” Kiriyama consoled him.

“Unbelievable...” Inaba grimaced as Nagase stood beside her, mouth agape. “I’m starting to think it was a mistake to force it all out of you. Then again, it’s not like they watch us 24/7—”

“What a shame...”

Suddenly, a lethargic voice echoed through the room. The voice belonged to Nagase Iori—but the speaker was someone else entirely. Someone borrowing her body.

“Who are you?” asked Inaba.

“Who...? It no longer matters. This is goodbye.” [She] spoke slowly, with a sleepy expression on [her face]. Then [Nagase]—no, «The Second»—turned to Taichi. “I said it would get worse... I said I would change it to ‘all hours.’ Remember?” [Her eyes] glinted darkly, freezing him in place. “Was it a mistake to choose you...? I could have chosen anyone... Oh well. It ends now.” It looked away as though it had lost interest in him entirely. “Now that the secret is out, this will be an entertaining way to end things... Oh well... Goodbye.”

With that, Nagase’s head slumped forward—and the next moment, she jerked herself upright again. “...Huh? What just happened? Or did I imagine it?”

“Goddamnit! That’s it?! At least «Heartseed» had the decency to talk it out with us first!” Inaba spat.

At the same time, something clattered loudly to the floor.

It was the handheld game console Aoki [age 10] had been holding. He’d been sitting a short distance away playing video games, but now he was curled up in the fetal position. “Nngghh...!”

Instantly, Kiriyama rushed over. “Y-Yoshifumi-kun?! What’s wrong?! It’s nowhere near five o’clock—”

And yet the next instant, Aoki transformed back to his usual self.

“Aaagghh! Clothes... too... tight...!” Aoki choked as he flailed around.

“Wh... What the?!” Kiriyama froze in her tracks.

“What’s going on? Is it really over? That was abrupt...” Inaba mused, her tone a strange mixture of relief and disappointment.

Taichi felt the tension drain from his body.

Thank god.

For a minute there he was worried what «The Second» might do... but evidently it just decided to end things for good.

If I’d known this would happen, I would’ve blabbed a lot sooner—

That was when he felt his body begin to grow hot. Painfully hot, as if every last molecule was combusting inside him. His mind was a searing blur. Clutching his chest, he doubled over.

In the distance he could hear voices.

“Taichi?! What’s wrong?!”

That was Nagase.

“What’s the matter with him? It’s almost like he’s about to Regress or something... Wait... Oh god... Did it change the Regression so it can affect anyone at any time?!”

Inaba’s voice was the last thing he heard before his consciousness faded.

There, in the darkness of the void, he felt strangely wistful for days long past.

+ + +

I need to go home, ASAP.

I can’t leave Mom alone with him. It’s not safe.

I need to be there.

I need to get it right this time...

Maybe then I can change the past for real.