Inaba Himeko’s Solitary Struggle

From the moment I walked through the front gates onto the grounds of Yamaboshi High School, I felt it: starting today, I was going to change.

The sky was clear, with not a cloud in sight—the perfect weather for a new beginning. The campus itself was the same as ever, of course, but somehow I saw it in a whole new light. Was it because I’d found the courage I needed to fight? Or had I already changed in some way?

I arrived at the classroom early that morning. There, my fellow clubmates in the Cultural Research Club, Yaegashi Taichi and Nagase Iori, were already present. Normally we would spend our mornings chatting, but today...

“Oh... M-Morning, Inaba. We’re finally back to our normal lives again, huh?” said Taichi.

...Something wasn’t right. He wasn’t making eye contact, like he was embarrassed about something. Look at me, damn it!

“R-Right... Feels weird to call this normal, but yeah...” My words came out noticeably softer than my thoughts.

“Uh, guys? Why aren’t you looking at each other?” Iori asked.

Don’t ask me! He’s the one making this weird!

“N-No reason,” Taichi muttered, scratching his head.

“Oh, good grief! We’re finally free of that weirdo’s stupid phenomenon, so could you at least try to seem happy about it? Think! Happy! Thoughts!” She prodded each of us as she spoke.

Truth be told, I didn’t really mind her teasing, but I stepped out of her reach. “Stop that. I swear, you haven’t changed a bit...”

Indeed, she was acting like nothing ever happened.

“S-Stop that, Nagase!” Taichi exclaimed, shooting me furtive glances.

Evidently this one was another story.

■□■

It’s been just over a week since I, Inaba Himeko, confessed my feelings to Yaegashi Taichi. I had believed it to be a bombshell the likes of which could destroy everything we’d built between us in the CRC, but so far the damage seems nonexistent (that I can see, anyway). The club is still together, functioning the same as it always has.

That said, until recently we were too busy dealing with that shitty Liberation phenomenon to worry about romance. But now the phenomenon is gone, and we’re back to our normal everyday lives... and the inescapable fact of the matter is, I confessed my love to Taichi and declared rivalry with Iori.

“Okay, here’s a hint for the last problem. Here, X is the variable—”

Shutting out the endless drone of my math teacher at the lectern, I delve back into thought. Time for a little objective analysis.

Girl A is friends with Boy B and Girl C, and the relationship between B and C is starting to take a romantic turn. A, B, and C are all in the same class and club, so they’re together basically all the time. A wants to support C’s relationship with B, but at the same time, A has feelings for B herself. A eventually decides to go after B, so she declares her intent to C. Then she tells B she loves him and that she’ll compete for his affections with C. But despite this new rivalry, A and C continue to be friends, because C doesn’t want to sacrifice her friendship for love...

Ridiculous. It’s way too straightforward to be believable... There’s no way it’ll all work out perfectly in the end... Even if it’s fine in the short-term, I just know in the long-term it’ll bite us in the ass...

At the time, we were still smack-dab in the middle of «Heartseed»’s phenomenon, and I can’t pretend that didn’t influence my decision-making process. If it wasn’t for the phenomenon, I’m not sure things would have turned out the way they did...

...Man, what is wrong with me? I keep whining like a dog. Didn’t I just decide it was “time for Inaba Himeko to turn the tables” while I was on my way to school this morning? Keep acting like a child and we’ll never get anywhere! I need to cast off my weakness and reinvent myself as a badass!

Okay, let’s make a list of our objectives:

1. Operation Taichi: Fix the awkward tension between myself and Taichi and determine how best to interact with him.

He isn’t avoiding me or anything, but our friendship right now is far from harmonious... Then again, maybe that’s to be expected considering there’s a “confessed to him / turned her down” aspect to our relationship now. Still, something needs to be done about it. After all, I’m pretty sure it’s still too early to win him over, even for me... Logically speaking, of course! I’m not a coward!

2. Operation Iori: Find out how Iori really feels about this.

Even after Iori found out we both had feelings for the same guy, she told me not to give up on my love... and that we would stay friends no matter what. I’m guessing she said it to encourage me to stop being so pathetic and break down those barriers, and if so, it certainly worked.

But while I’m sure it’s made her happy to see me grow as a person, I’m not so sure how she feels about this weird love triangle situation we’re in now. She’s been acting like nothing ever happened. And when I think about how she’d be dating Taichi right now if only I’d been a little stronger... it makes me feel unbearably guilty. If there had been any other way to snap me out of my whiny baby phase, I’m sure that’s the route Iori would’ve preferred to take.

We’re rivals in love... but we’re also best friends. Unquestionably. So, now that things have settled down, it’s my duty to find out how she truly feels.

Last but not least, should I complete objectives 1 and 2:

3. Operation Love Triangle: Find a stable balance in the relationship between myself, Taichi, and Iori.

Frankly, Iori has the advantage here, and by a long shot. (In fact, considering Taichi turned me down point-blank, one could even say I’ve officially lost.) But the two of them still aren’t an item yet, which means there’s still a chance. The fact of the matter is, this battle is far from over. But it’ll take time to turn the tables in my favor... which means I’ll need to create a stable love triangle in the meantime.

That should do it as far as my objectives. With a sigh, I look up... and realize someone is standing right next to my desk. Come to think of it, aren’t we still in the middle of cl—

“WHOA!”

Standing there is none other than the very boy who has of late completely overtaken my every waking thought: Yaegashi Taichi. My startled cry makes him jump back in surprise, and I feel everyone in the room turn to look at me.

“Wh... What’s up, Taichi?”

“Last person in the row is supposed to gather up all the quiz sheets, remember? Wait... Inaba, why is yours blank?”

“Oh crap...”

I didn’t know we were doing a quiz!!!

■□■

My blank quiz sheet earned me a bunch of extra homework as punishment. Not only that, but everyone laughed at me for shouting in class, and it freaked Taichi out, too. So far, my “new beginning” wasn’t going so well... but it was still too early to give up. After all, I had vowed to change myself, and the new Inaba Himeko would be strong—strong enough to push through a minor setback like this one.

Mission: commence!

Operation Iori: Phase 1

I knew I wasn’t likely to get a straight answer if I asked Iori directly, so instead I went straight to her closest friend in class, Nakayama Mariko.

“Hey, has Iori talked to you about anything recently?”

“Like what?”

“Worries, troubles, anything like that? Issues with other friends? Boy problems?”

“Hmmm... Well, she asked me how to choose a gift for someone...”

“A gift...?”

Oh, I see your game, you wily little fox! You’re trying to buy his love with presents!

“I can’t really think of anything else... Actually, you know what?”

“Hmm? What?”

“If anyone’s been acting weird lately, it’s you! I mean, not to say Iori’s not weird in general, obviously.”

“Wh-What?! I’m not acting weird! Far from it!”

Not right now, at least... although during the Liberation I wasn’t exactly normal.

“You sure? You seem kinda... emotionally unstable. Oh, that reminds me! You and Iori were sorta mad at each other a while back. Is that part of it? I mean, I feel awkward asking... but I guess I’m asking anyways! So what happened with you guys, huh?”

Crap. I had forgotten just how much Nakayama loved to gossip.

“Nothing particularly exciting. There’s not much to tell, I’m afraid.”

“Aww, you won’t tell me? Fair enough, I guess... Oh yeah! Inaba-san, you’re good at research, right? Could you help me with something?”

“Sure, I don’t mind.”

“Yesss! You’re so gangsta, Inaba-san! Must be nice to be so awesome!”

“O-Oh... Haha...”

Until recently I might’ve appreciated these decidedly unfeminine compliments, but right now they felt like salt in a wound. Damn it!

Operation Taichi: Phase 1

After class, I randomly plunked myself down at the desk in front of Taichi’s as he was putting his textbook away. He looked up. “What’s up, Inaba?”

“Oh, just wanted to chat.”

“Oh... Gotcha. What do you want to talk about?”

I didn’t respond.

“Didn’t you just say you wanted to chat?”

I stayed silent... and gauged his reaction. This was all part of my strategy, of course. I wanted to see how he would react without any influence from my own behavior—a control test to lay the groundwork for further experiments, if you will. How would he respond with no input from me?

After a moment of perplexed fumbling, Taichi decided to... make small talk.

“So, uhhh... It’s getting pretty cold these days, huh?”

Goddamn, why are you so awkward?

“Y-Yeah... It’ll be December next week...”

...Fuck, we’re both awkward!

Operation Iori: Phase 2

At lunch, I met up with one Kiriyama Yui in Class 1-A. We had just finished gym class, and her long reddish-brown hair was tied up in a ponytail.

“So, what did you want to ask me about?” she asked.

“Has Iori talked to you about anything recently?”

Outside of Iori and myself, Yui was the only other girl in the CRC, and she’d been through all the same stupid phenomena. Thus, she was the most likely shoulder for Iori to cry on... especially about me and/or Taichi.

“I mean, we talk about club stuff... but it’s all the same stuff she tells you, I’m sure.”

“Anything else?”

“Hmmm... Nothing worth writing home about, really...”

“Do... do you talk about boys at all?”

“B-Boys?! No, no, no! No way!” Yui shook her head violently, whipping her ponytail around at the speed of light. “Iori doesn’t really come to me about that kind of thing... Oh, but... she and Taichi are probably going to get together soon, huh?”

“No, the battle’s not over yet.”

“Huh? Battle?”

“Oh, er, don’t worry about it. Hmmm... With you and Aoki the way you are, I figured you guys might have a fair bit to discuss...”

“Th-The way we are?! Meaning what, exactly?! We’re not any way or anything!”

“Yes, yes, whatever you say...”

If Yui wasn’t her confidant, then maybe Iori hadn’t actually consulted anyone at all. As I paused to think, Yui clapped her hands together.

“That’s right! I meant to tell you, um... I know you asked me to format the Culture Bulletin, but like our computer at home isn’t working...”

“Oh, really? In that case, I’ll take care of it.”

“Huh?! You sure? I don’t mean to dump it on you...”

“Nah, it’s no big deal. Not that much work, anyway.”

“Oh... Well, okay. Thanks a lot! I really appreciate it.”

We chatted a bit longer, then turned to go our separate ways... when Yui suddenly called out again.

“Oh yeah, and I got all the stuff we need for the—mmph!” Out of nowhere, she clasped her hands over her mouth.

“What’s the matter?”

She shook her head vigorously.

“No, seriously, what’s wrong?”

Then, finally, she pulled her hands away. “I-It’s nothing! I’m just so used to you being in charge of this stuff... I mean, uhhh, don’t worry about it! Just forget it!”

And with that, she took off running like a bat out of hell.

Operation Taichi: Phase 2
Operation Iori: Phase 3
Operation Love Triangle: Phase 1

Yui didn’t come to the clubroom that day. Apparently, she had made plans with some friends from class, and she “felt obligated to go this time, you know, after shutting everyone out during the phenomenon.”

Indeed, during the Liberation, we had generally avoided contact with anyone outside of the CRC. And now that those shackles were finally gone, I was supportive of anyone who wanted to hang out elsewhere for a change. Sure, these stupid phenomena meant we were spending significantly more time in each other’s company, but we were by no means obligated.

“Awww, maaan... Why’d Yui skip club...? Doesn’t she wanna have a nice, normal club rendebeau with me?” Aoki Yoshifumi whined obnoxiously.

“I’m surprised you even know that word,” Taichi muttered under his breath.

“Why are you pronouncing it like that? It’s ‘rendezvous,’ silly. ‘Rendebeau’ sounds like a ghost date!” Iori joked.

Though the three of us were in the same class, the clubroom was where most of our interactions took place... thus, it held the key to turning the tides of war. To me, it was a safe space and a battlefield all in one.

Aoki clucked his tongue. “Fine... Then I guess I’ll just study! Hmph! You’ll all be sorry!”

“Why would we feel threatened by that...?” Taichi retorted.

Enough eavesdropping; I need to make a move. I looked up from my laptop and—

“So, Taichi, what’s your type?”

“Bwegh?!”

“Gah?!”

“Okay, I get why Taichi would freak out, but Inaban? Hahaha!”

“W-Well... I mean...” I stammered, trying to think of a comeback.

Meanwhile, to the surprise of no one, Iori’s question had Taichi flustered. “M-My type? It’s kinda hard to say...”

“Okay then, which would you prefer: cute or sexy?” Iori continued without a moment’s delay.

“Oh, you mean physically? Well... I guess I would generally prefer cute...”

“I see, I see. Cute over sexy, huh?” Iori nodded. Then she shot me a smug look, and it hit me: she was the cute type, and I was the sexy type. Which meant her question was really—

So that’s how you’re going to play this, huh? Interesting. You may have taken the initiative, but I’m not letting you win!

“Sexy is obviously better. There’s a sense of maturity and allure that cute doesn’t have,” I declared.

“I mean, you don’t have to be mature to be sexy, right?” Taichi asked.

“Oh, well... I suppose not.” Evidently my defense of Team Sexy hadn’t gone over so well.

“When you put it that way, sexy starts to sound kind of old and decrepit,” Iori jabbed.

Relax. Don’t panic. Think of a counter.

“Old and decrepit?! Do you seriously not see the appeal of maturity?! Sexy types look good in classy clothes. They don’t have to try hard to be pretty. Plus, they’re so much more stable! Meanwhile, the cute types are all afraid of growing up! Their youthfulness is seen as a good thing, but really they’re just children! Cute equals child! And if your type is children, that makes you a pedophile!”

“...I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up about this, Inaba, but I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t accuse me of being a pedophile.”

“Huh? Oh... R-Right. Sorry.”

An awkward silence descended between us. Everyone was staring at me, even Aoki, with baffled looks on their faces that practically screamed what is wrong with you?

“Wh-What?” I asked uncomfortably.

“N-Nothing,” Taichi replied, averting his gaze.

Why does everything feel so off?

After a moment, Aoki went back to his studying, and Taichi turned his attention to Iori.

“Where did that question come from, anyway? Don’t make this weird, Nagase.”

“Aww, c’mon! It’s not weird! I’m just making small talk! What next... Okay, if you had to choose between the rational type and the emotional type—”

“Y-You’d pick the rational type, right?! While I acknowledge the appeal of the emotional type, if you want someone who can plan for the future and all that entails—children, aging parents, and a stable retirement—you’ll obviously want a partner who thinks rationally! Rational types can balance the budget and maintain a savings plan while accounting for all the risks! If you want to live a happy life, a rational partner is your best bet, don’t you think, Taichi?!”

“...I was asking him, not you. What are you even talking about?” said Iori.

“Seems like Inaba’s the emotional type today,” said Taichi.

“There’s no chance that the Liberation’s still going on, right?” asked Aoki.

That was the final blow. I was acting so weird, they actually thought «Heartseed» might be involved. What is wrong with me? Filled with self-loathing, I clenched my jaw.

In the end, no matter how hard I tried, I only kept making things more awkward, so I ultimately decided to stop talking and focus on my laptop.

Why? Why do I keep messing up? I’m so embarrassed. And so tired. I feel like I’m going about this the wrong way... but I promised myself I would change. No pain, no gain, as they say. I need to suck it up and try again—

My thoughts were interrupted when Taichi and Iori burst out laughing. I hadn’t been listening to their conversation, but apparently it was hilarious, because they were clutching their sides. Their big, bright smiles only served to further illuminate the dark misery I felt.

And the darkness had no place amid the light, lest it be erased entirely.

“Hmmm... Taichi and Iori-chan sure got some good chemistry, don’t they? It’s like there’s this magic in the air whenever they’re together, y’know what I mean?”

If Taichi and Iori have good chemistry, then what about me?

“Inabacchan?”

Sadly, I didn’t have an answer for him.

■□■

The next morning, a certain lanky guy waved at me as I was on my way to school.

“‘Sup, Inabacchan! It’s getting colder in the mornings, huh?”

“Uh huh,” I replied noncommittally. But although I tried my best to radiate “I am not a morning person” vibes at him, he blathered on regardless, to which I responded with vague grunts.

“...but there was like this weird crackling sound, y’know? Like kkrrshshh!”

“Huh.”

“And I tried using a different pair of earbuds, but it was still happening...”

“Yeah?”

“So I think I might need to buy a new MP3 player, but I’m not sure what kind to get!”

At this point, I had grown tired of responding, so I stopped.

“What about you? Anything on your wishlist these days? Whoa!” Abruptly, Aoki let out a yelp and came to a sudden stop.

I could’ve asked him about it, but instead I ignored him and kept walking. It’s too fucking early for this shit.

“Did I just miss my chance to ask...? Wait up, Inabacchan!”

And so we arrived at the front gates.

“That reminds me, you were actin’ kinda weird yesterday. What was that all about?”

A vein bulged in my forehead. I did not appreciate the likes of him calling me weird to my face.

“Weird? Explain to me exactly what part—” I began vehemently, but stopped myself.

Upon further reflection, he was right. Nothing about me was normal right now. After all, I was purposefully trying to change myself. And perhaps that departure from the status quo was going to register as “weird” whether I liked it or not.

“...Lately I’ve been thinking that I need to grow up, so... It’s just me trying to change, that’s all.”

I figured my explanation would click with him right away, but instead he murmured in contemplation.

“Growin’ up, huh... Yeah, I guess that’d change ya, but... Hmmm...”

“What? You don’t want me to or something?”

“No, ’s not that I don’t want you to... It’s just... Hmm...”

In the end, he never did find his answer.

■□■

Something’s weighing on my mind. I’m not sure what it is, but I think it probably has to do with yesterday’s screw-ups, not to mention that conversation with Aoki this morning.

I feel miserable, but that doesn’t mean I can back down from this. If I don’t keep pushing forward, I’ll never escape my weakness.

This battle has only just begun...

Operation Taichi: Phase 3
Operation Iori: Phase 4
FAILED

■□■

Operation Taichi: Phase 4

Why does god hate me?

Taichi was still acting awkward around me, and I was no closer to learning Iori’s candid opinion of the situation. My motivation was at an all-time high, but sadly it just didn’t translate to results.

Before I knew it, school was over for the day, and I still hadn’t made any progress toward my objectives.

I stuffed my textbook and pencil pouch into my bookbag. Maybe change was just impossible for me. Maybe humans simply weren’t capable of it.

Just then, it hit me. Taichi’s awkwardness was a recent development. So if I interacted with him the way I used to before this all started, perhaps he’d go back to normal.

Sure, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to go back to being “just friends” now that I was actively pursuing his affections, but on the other hand, maybe a fresh start was just the thing we needed.

Pushing my weakness aside, I got up from my desk. I just have to keep trying until I find the right answer.

“Hey, Taichi,” I called out nonchalantly. “Let’s leave Iori to her cleaning duty and head to the clubroom without her.”

“...Okay.”

I clucked my tongue. “How enthusiastic. You awake in there or what?”

Act normal. Act natural. Don’t overdo it. Be yourself.

“C’mon!” I clapped him on the back.

“Ouch! Yes, I’m awake, okay?! Don’t hit me!”

I hadn’t physically touched Taichi since the day of the field trip... the moment our lips touched behind the East Wing. There, it occurred to me that perhaps I’d distanced myself a bit too much since then. Yes, that’s right... We used to be a bit closer before...

I felt myself relax.

On our way to the clubroom, we made casual small talk. It was nice, actually. Just two friends having a chat... For the first time in forever, it felt like Taichi was back to his usual self around me. Almost as though that confession—that kiss—never even happened.

I was treating him like any other friend, and he was doing the same in kind. He looked like he was having a great time, too. He was smiling. Maybe this was the Inaba Himeko he wanted...

Hah. “Maybe”? Good one. Obviously it is. He likes Iori, remember? He doesn’t want me.

Knowing Taichi, it probably broke his tender little heart to have to say no to a friend. But I forced my feelings on him anyway. And now I was making things harder for Iori, too... all to suit my own whims. How could I possibly think it was the right thing to do?

Maybe Taichi didn’t want me to change...

“...and so then I told him—Wait, what the? Inaba? Why’d you stop?” Taichi asked, looking back at me.

“Oh, uh...” Now that I’d come to a stop, I couldn’t find it in me to move forward. “A-Actually, I just realized I need to do something before I go to the clubroom. You go on without me.”

“Oh, okay. Is it club-related? Anything I can help with?”

“No, just a... personal errand...”

What am I saying? Why am I running away? I cursed myself internally. But the whiny baby inside me had awoken, and there was no use fighting it now.

All Operations On Standby

With no set destination in mind, I wandered into a different school building. The hallway with the special activity rooms was mercifully deserted; from there, I stared out at the athletic field and sighed.

“What is wrong with me...?”

What happened to all my conviction? Didn’t I tell myself I would win this? I vowed to stop being weak—both for myself and for my dear friend who supported me. And yet, the very person who initially inspired this motivation didn’t seem to want it to happen. So what was I supposed to do?

Maybe I was better off focusing on my current objectives... but at the same time, I couldn’t see myself finding much success. So what was I meant to do? What did I want to do? What did I want to achieve...?

Out of the shadows, I felt someone’s hot breath against my ear. “Well, well. If it isn’t a little lost lovelorn lamb.”

“Whoa!” An unpleasant shudder crawled down my spine, and I whirled around.

There stood Fujishima Maiko, president of Class 1-C, revered as the “Love Guru,” her hair pulled back and her bangs pinned up, her expression steely, her trademark glasses glittering in the sunlight. Up close I found she was rather beautiful, with perfectly clear skin—

“G-Get out of my bubble!” I yelped, firmly pushing her backwards a bit.

“Goodness, don’t be so rough! It’s not proper for a lady, be it the giving end or the receiving end.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for sneaking up on me and breathing in my ear like a creep!” The mere memory made my skin crawl.

“I can’t help it. You’re just so cute these days.”

“S-So what?! Wh... What’s that supposed to mean, anyway?! I’m not cute!”

“I’m afraid I must disagree. For instance, this thing you’re doing where you’re turning away and blushing? Very cute.”

“Urk...!”

“Turns out you do actually let your guard down sometimes, don’t you?”

“Nngh...”

“An ice queen who shows just a glimpse of her sweet side... How very erotic... I yearn to tease—I mean, bully—I mean, I’ll be in my bunk.”

“That’s the one you’re going with?!”

Fujishima chuckled. She was clearly toying with me. Gah, I can’t deal with her... In fact, if there’s anyone on this planet who CAN deal with her, I’d love to know how they do it!

“So, what do you want with me?” I asked.

“You see, my apostle of love sensor has detected a lost lamb...”

“...You’re a shepherd now?”

“Whosoever believes shall be saved!”

“Could you at least fucking acknowledge that I’m speaking to you?!” Fucking hell, this chick is out of control.

“Now then, all serious discussion aside...”

“Don’t you mean ‘all jokes aside’? If that was your idea of a serious discussion, then I’m leaving.”

“You’re struggling with something, aren’t you?” she asked suddenly—and after that weird back-and-forth just now, her calm, composed voice caught me entirely off-guard.

“N-Not really,” I stammered. After all, it was nothing worth venting to someone about.

“This isn’t a serious discussion, remember? We’re joking. Just make something up.” Her expression softened ever so slightly... like the first drops of melting snow after a long, long winter.

“Did you just...”

First she softened me up, and then she hit me where it hurt. She had dismantled my defenses perfectly... and suddenly I understood why so many people in our grade treated her as a love guru. She had seen right through me, and now she had the advantage.

Meanwhile, I had lost the will to fight her. The old me would’ve been desperate to argue the point—anything to deny my own weakness. But I was different now.

“Right... Joking...” I smirked.

And so I decided to tell her my story, hoping against hope that she could guide me to an answer.

“...So essentially you wish to know how to seduce a man, correct?”

“Wh...?! How did you get that out of anything I just said?!”

Granted, I’d spoken vaguely on purpose, but I never said a single thing along those lines! And for a second there I actually thought she was cool, damn it!

“The simplest, most straightforward, and most effective strategy is to use your sexuality.”

“I just said—”

“High school boys are no different from monkeys, so you shouldn’t have too much trouble. But don’t forget, some of them have near-human intelligence. Just be careful not to let these apes string you along, alright?”

“Are you listening to me?!”

That said, she had a point. I filed her suggestion in the back of my mind.

“Recently I came up with a most excellent idea. Shall I pass it on to you?”

“No thank you!”

“Are you sure?”

“...I mean, if you feel like telling me, suit yourself...”

Not that I want to know! Because I don’t!

“Very well then. I’ll do just that.” She chuckled. “Have you heard of the suspension bridge effect? You know, the phenomenon where the human brain misinterprets fear as arousal. Well, as it happens, you can easily make use of this effect in your everyday life.”

“...How?”

“The ‘say ahh’ strategy.”

“Uhhh... What?”

“You make a boy ‘say ahh’ and feed him something. Provided he’s not a womanizer or a sexless monk, I guarantee he’ll feel something.”

Hm.

“He’ll get flustered, at the bare minimum. And that emotional unrest will feel like romantic tension.”

Hmm...

“Plus, when you take the initiative, in the back of his mind he’ll start thinking ‘Oh, this chick is totally into me!’ and that’ll get him even more flustered.”

Hmmmm!

“And if he’s a virgin, at that point he’s as good as yours!” Fujishima declared, her chest held high. “As long as he’s a virgin!”

“Will you quit stressing the ‘virgin’ thing?!”

“Watch your step, now. Virgin fantasies can be scawy!”

“Nothing could possibly be scarier than you! What the hell was that weird baby lisp?!” She’s even creepier than I thought!

“Good comeback,” she replied thoughtfully, peering at me.

I decided to get the conversation back on track. “How would you even set up a scenario like that? Seems complicated.”

“Well, you’ll just have to make it work, won’t you? It’s your love life, after all.”

Right.

“Personally, I think it’s a discovery on par with Ohm’s law. I call it the Law of Say Ahh!”

“How the fuck is it on par with science?!” Seriously, you’re out of your mind!

She heaved a sigh of relief. “I’m glad to see you’ve gone back to your usual self again.” Her tone was unexpectedly... gentle.

“Fujishima...?” This is what I get for letting my guard down around her, damn it. “Look, uh... Is it really that simple?”

“Of course it is,” she replied, casually adjusting her glasses.

Something else was bothering me about her comment. “So what do you mean, my usual self?”

“Well, you’ve been acting rather strangely, wouldn’t you say? You had a little spat with Nagase-san and everything. In fact, you’re still acting fairly weird to this day.”

“I am...?”

“Yes, you are.”

Was my current behavior really equal to the likes of the Liberation?

“Well... that’s because I’m trying to be different. I’m trying to change.”

“Changing yourself... I see... And who stands to benefit from this?”

I could see myself reflected in her lenses.

“Uhh... Myself, I guess?”

“I see. Very well, then. Have fun struggling.” And with a knowing look, Fujishima walked off.

Left alone, I psyched myself to go back to the clubroom. No point in dawdling; I needed to take this fuel from Fujishima and convert it into raw horsepower.

My feeble heart was hopefully in better shape now. Sure, it hurt to be called ‘weird,’ but... No, don’t think about it. Focus!

I arrived belatedly at the clubroom. As I opened the door, I heard Iori’s voice loud and clear—

“Hmmm... Inaban might not seem feminine at first glance, but deep down she’s really just as girly as—Uhh, hi, Inaban!”

“What’s up? Gossiping about me?” I asked.

Instantly, the four other members of the CRC turned away and went back to what they were doing.

“Uh, hello? Is something going on, or what?”

“Hey there, Inaba. You’re late,” Taichi greeted me.

“Yeah. Got caught up in some stuff.”

I took a seat. Meanwhile, nobody looked me in the eye. They were clearly hiding something. The hell? Don’t I get to be part of the fun? I couldn’t let this slide. I needed to force it out of them.

I glanced around. One by one, they all avoided my gaze.

Normally, I would’ve demanded that they tell me. That was just the sort of person I was... and yet I couldn’t do it. Instead, I quietly set up my laptop.

Here I was, trying to change myself, but nothing was working. Everyone just called me weird—even the very person I hoped would understand me the best. And now that weirdness was making everything else weird, too.

Everything was going wrong. My pessimism was spiraling out of control. It was a bad habit of mine, and I knew I needed to stop it... but I couldn’t.

In the end, I failed to make any progress—be it in my objectives or in my clubwork.

■□■

The next morning, the sky was clear and bright. And after a good night’s sleep, my negative spiral had mostly been reset.

That morning, I summoned up all my willpower to suppress my anxiety. It was still way too early to throw in the towel. Why did I keep expecting all my plans to work out perfectly on the first try? They just needed some tweaking, that’s all.

Mission: recommence!

Operation Taichi: Phase 5

“Like I said, you gotta use the same formula as last time.”

I sat at the desk in front of Taichi’s, helping him with his worksheet.

“Oh, I see... So this number goes here... Substitute it in... I get it now!”

“Easy, right?”

“Yeah! Almost like the answer was staring me in the face. Thanks a ton.”

That’s not the only thing in your face right now, if you’d just pay attention, I thought.

I had seated myself on top of the desk in front of him with my legs crossed. Thus, my legs were directly at his eye level. Not only that, but I’d hiked up my skirt ever so slightly... and I wasn’t wearing bike shorts.

I wasn’t actually going to show him my panties, of course, but according to my research, the mere possibility alone would still trigger the desired effect. Not that I was going along with Fujishima’s suggestion or anything! Still, maybe she had the right idea. Maybe the best move would be to get his blood pumping.

I still hadn’t worked out where exactly I stood with Taichi, but for now I figured we could maintain a low-stakes friendship... and in the meantime, I could casually flaunt my femininity at strategic points throughout.

Unfortunately for me, he had yet to look up from his paper. C’mon, are you THAT in love with math?!

I debated changing positions, but I knew the second I uncrossed my legs, I would almost certainly end up inadvertently flashing him... I wasn’t a fan of the idea, but then again... No risk, no reward, as they say...

Then I saw his gaze flick upwards for a fraction of a second, and right back down to his paper. Aha! It’s working!

Blushing, Taichi scratched his cheek. “Uh, Inaba?”

“Yes?” I asked, in the sexiest voice I could manage.

There was a long pause.

“I can see your panties.”

“THE WHOLE TIME?!”

Reflexively, I kicked him in the face.

After that, I spent a long time apologizing for the nosebleed I gave him...

Operation Iori: Phase 5

At this point, I knew I wasn’t going to get anywhere if I kept pussyfooting around. I needed to go straight to the source.

“You want to know how I feel about you trying to steal Taichi from me?” Iori asked, paraphrasing the question I’d posed to her.

“That’s a little blunt, but yeah...” I was trying to be considerate of your feelings, damn it!

“What are you talking about? You’re always saying how you prefer being direct over beating around the bush.”

“Well... yeah...”

Lately it felt like she’d turned the tables on me. She’d grown stronger than I remembered.

“Right? Okay, so, my feelings on the topic: I’m not mad about it. I mean, it’s not like Taichi is my property or anything. He’s not even my boyfriend. So what’s there to get mad about?”

“But...”

“We had this conversation during the field trip, remember? We agreed we were cool with each other! Or were you lying to me back then?”

“Fuck no, I wasn’t lying.” Looking back, it was the most honest I’d ever been with anyone in all my life. That was the moment I finally tore down the walls around me.

“Well, there you go! All you have to do is fight me fair and square.”

“And you’re... okay with that?”

“Yep! I actually like having you on board... Makes me feel like I’m making the right choice.” As she spoke, her expression darkened faintly.

“What’s that supposed to mean...?”

“Who knows!” Iori laughed absently. Maybe she was trying to play it off, or maybe she really was amused... I could never quite get a read on her, no matter how hard I tried. “Anyway, there you have it! We should do some brainstorming sometime. Y’know, plan out how to get our crush to notice us.”

“Even though we’re sworn enemies with an interest in the same guy?”

“We are not sworn enemies! We’re just... romantic rivals!”

“Right...” Same difference, I thought.

“Enemies actively try to hurt each other, while rivals just compete. Having a rival is a good thing!” She held up two fingers in a peace sign and smiled softly. “Now I get it... So that’s what’s got you all weird lately, huh?”

“What? Weird?”

There’s that word again. It was proof that I’d visibly changed, and so I should’ve felt happy about it... and yet, something didn’t feel right. If I’ve changed, then why aren’t I seeing results?

“Don’t you think so? It’s like you’ve totally forgotten... Or maybe you’re just doing it on purpose, I dunno.”

“Forgotten what?”

“Huh? Do you seriously not know what I’m talking about...? Okay, never mind. It’s nothing.”

“Oh, come on! You know that’s only going to make me more curious!” Is something going on behind my back?

“It’s nooothing! Really! Anyway, remember when I asked you to help me return those clothes I bought? I’ve decided I’ll take care of it myself.”

I vaguely recalled this conversation. “Right... No, I still think I should come with you. I don’t trust you not to wander off on your own.”

“Aww, don’t treat me like a little kid!”

Before I knew it, Iori had steered the conversation to a different subject, and now there was no going back.

■□■

It was one thing to hype myself up by planning my objectives like I was a secret agent. That was all well and good. But if I couldn’t walk the walk, then I was just wasting my time.

Neither Operation Taichi nor Operation Iori were going as planned, and as a result, I hadn’t made any progress on Operation Love Triangle, either. (Technically speaking, Operation Iori was potentially already a success, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to accept it.)

Charging in headfirst just wasn’t my style; I was more of the scheming type. But what if that was the wrong way to go about it? What if I was supposed to change myself to be more straightforward? Abandon my normal self? The thought made me feel lightheaded all of a sudden.

I opened the clubroom door to find that once again I was the last person to arrive.

“I still think we should—Whoa!” Aoki stopped short in the middle of his sentence, and the four of them sprang apart, as if on cue.

The room was spinning. My legs were shaking. My mind went blank. I felt dizzy. That much was all in my head. But the reality of the matter was, I had lost my place among them.

I had changed. Shifted. And now that stability was gone... and...

I should have asked them what they were doing, but I couldn’t. What if my worst fears proved to be true?

Instead, I pretended not to care. I sat down in a chair and set up my laptop, trying not to think about it... but my brain was working at full speed to analyze it. What on earth could the four of them want to discuss without me?

My thoughts took a turn for the pessimistic.

Maybe they’d decided my rivalry with Iori was a problem. Maybe they were trying to figure out how to get rid of me. Of course, I knew they weren’t actually like that... and yet I couldn’t help but worry nonetheless.

People always saw me as “the rational type,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The real me? Paranoid over nothing. Anxious and depressed over nothing. Constantly.

God, I can’t do this anymore! Everything’s a mess! I don’t know what to do or how to act!

I have to change. But where to start?

I have to change. Do I change everything?

I have to change. I have to change!

But once I DO change, what happens to my friendship with Taichi, and Iori, and Yui, and Aoki, and everyone else?

In the end, yet again, I didn’t get a single thing done that day.

■□■

The next day, I couldn’t muster up the will to work on my objectives at all. Instead, I spent the whole morning dazed and unfocused. I kept agonizing over what to do, but found no meaningful answers.

Then class ended for the day, and it was time to head to the clubroom.

I glanced over. Iori and Taichi were looking at me and whispering to each other. As soon as I spotted them, however, they sprang apart; Iori cheerfully patted Taichi on the shoulder and left the classroom without us.

As I moved to follow her, Taichi approached me. “Hold up, Inaba,” he called as he circled around in front of me.

“What do you want?” My voice came out in a low growl.

“Well, uh, there’s something I want to talk to you about...”

“Can’t we just talk about it on the way?”

“N-No, we can’t. Let’s just sit down for a bit, okay?”

“The hell is this about?”

But no matter how hard I pressed, Taichi refused to specify.

I could feel myself getting irritated. This asshole was the source of all my problems, all my confusion, all my anxiety... Why didn’t he just hurry up and make Iori his girlfriend? Why did he keep being so goddamn nice to me? Why did he have to... make me fall in love with him...?

This is all your fault, damn it! I thought angrily to myself.

“What the fuck do you want?!” I hissed, trying to push past him.

“Don’t snap at me, alright? Come on, just slow down for a minute.”

“Then spit it out already!”

“Okay, okay! I’ll talk! Come back into the classroom!”

“We can have this conversation on the way!”

“No, we can’t! It’s... important!”

Instantly, I froze. Important?

I turned back to face him. “Wh... What is it?” I asked, looking him directly in the eyes.

He sucked in a breath. “Oh... uh... well...” Then he looked away awkwardly.

What the hell is it?! You said it was important, didn’t you?! If you have something to say, then say it. If you don’t, then don’t! Do you not realize how much value I place in your every word and deed? Don’t you see how much I care?!

“Is it about my recent—” I began, but then an upbeat ringtone began to play.

“Oh crap! Did I forget to put it on vibrate?!” Taichi whipped his phone out of his pocket at the speed of light. “Aoki! ...Yeah...? All set? Thank god... Wait, how’d you manage it that fast...?”

■□■

When we arrived at the clubroom, Taichi gestured me inside. And as soon as I walked in—

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, INABA!”

—the sound of party poppers exploded around me.

For a few seconds I froze as my mind went blank. Happy... birthday...?

The room was decorated in paper chains—nothing fancy, and yet it hit me right in the heart.

“What’s the matter, Inaban? Did we leave you speechless?” Iori asked, grinning playfully.

“Get in there, Inaba,” Taichi prompted, gently pushing me forward.

And so I tottered into the room on shaky legs, my brain still struggling to process this.

“Now then, time for your gift! Here ya go!” And with that, Aoki lifted the lid on the box sitting on the table.

The first thing I saw was a white chocolate plaque with the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY HIMEKO! written in icing... sitting in the very center of a large chocolate cake. A medley of apricot-glazed fruits—strawberry, kiwi, orange, peach, melon, pineapple, blueberry—had been crammed onto every inch of its surface, and they glittered like jewels.

No, better than jewels.

Blinding me.

My sight blurred.

“Where did this come from...?”

I knew it didn’t matter—I knew I was supposed to just say thank you—and yet I couldn’t help but ask anyway.

“We ordered it, silly! And then I ran off to go pick it up just now,” Kiriyama explained, looking quite pleased with herself.

“At the speed of light, too!” Aoki added.

“Boy, do I owe you one. There’s no way I could’ve stalled her for as long as we planned,” Taichi sighed.

“Please. Like, obviously you didn’t stand a chance at distracting Inaba.”

“Come on, Kiriyama! You don’t believe in me?!”

“Oh, relax. It’s fine! Anyways, Inaba, um... I know you don’t super like being called by your first name and stuff, but it felt kinda dumb to have them write your last name on a personalized cake, y’know? So...”

“No, that’s fine... um...” If anything, I found it really touching. But I couldn’t say that, of course. Instead, I stared at the floor.

“Is our Inaban crying? Hmmm?” Iori peered at me.

“Sh-Shut up! I’m not... crying!” I looked away from her and rubbed my eyes with my sleeves. It doesn’t count as crying as long as the tears don’t fall!

“See? Inaban likes this stuff just as much as anyone! It doesn’t always have to be strictly practical, Taichi.”

“Got it... I’ll make note of that in the future.”

That was when I realized: this was the secret conversation they’d been keeping from me all along.

“Oh my god, Inaba, why are you just standing there? Is it really that life-shattering? You didn’t, like, forget your own birthday or something, did you?”

I didn’t answer... but she was right. Thinking back, my family had told me over breakfast that they’d made a reservation for dinner tonight. We almost never went out for dinner as a family, so I remember being confused as to why... but now I understood.

How could I have forgotten my sixteenth birthday?

Iori turned back to me. “Uh, Inaban? I mean, I know we’ve been through a lot lately... but this isn’t like you.”

“Which part?” I’d already been called weird a dozen times by now, so I was used to it.

“Well, it’s like... you’re trying too hard, or... you’re too uptight? Or tunnel-visioned, I guess?”

Tunnel-visioned. That made sense. Lately I hadn’t had time to look at the bigger picture—I’d been too busy inventing problems in my head. Problems I failed to solve. But still...

“I’m trying to change. Trying to be a stronger person... a better person.”

At this, Iori burst out laughing. “Oh, please! You’re already a total saint, you dork! I can’t even imagine what a better you would look like!”

“Whoa, whoa. I am not a saint.”

“Then why did you offer to come with me to return those clothes, hmm?” She shot me a wry grin. “And why did you agree to help Nakayama-chan with her research? Don’t think for a minute I don’t know all about that!”

“Plus, you were more than happy to help me with those math problems,” Taichi mused.

“And you took over my work on the Culture Bulletin!” Yui declared.

“And... uhh... I can’t think of any good examples off the top of my head, but you’re always there for me, too!” Aoki finished.

“What do you mean, you can’t think of anything?! She’s always saving your butt left and right!” Yui snapped.

“True... It all sorta blurs together, I guess... Hahaha...”

“Look, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to change,” said Iori. “But does it really have to be that dramatic? I mean, you’ve already changed a lot over the past six-odd months I’ve known you, and you weren’t even trying.”

I’ve been changing... without even trying?

“Think about it! Six months ago, would you have helped Nakayama-chan? No way! The old you never would’ve agreed to ‘distribute your intel’ or whatever!”

I wasn’t even actively conscious of these changes, and yet they had happened regardless. There was never any need to force it... I must’ve gotten caught up in the emotional weight of the moment.

How I wished I was half the person Iori was. She was so fragile, and yet so strong. And while she struggled with her own identity, she always seemed to know the rest of us better than we knew ourselves. Her potential was immeasurable... It made me wonder if I truly knew her as well as I thought I did.

“Okay, Inaban, hurry up and take a seat! We gotta set up the candles!”

“Hold on, Iori. Isn’t it against the rules to start fires on campus?”

“Oh, c’mon. Who cares about a couple measly candles?”

“Plus, like, now that we have them, it’ll be a total waste if we don’t use them.”

“See? Yui gets it!”

“Then I, the humble Aoki Yoshifumi, shall serve as your... uh... candle-lighting guy!”

While the others were all fussing over the candle prep, Taichi approached me.

“Inaba...” He lowered his voice and continued, “I really appreciate... you know... what you said back then. Honestly, this stuff is all so new to me, I still have no idea how to handle it... Sorry, I know that’s just an excuse.”

This was the first time he had addressed my love confession since the day it happened. Evidently it hadn’t been erased from history. To him, it was real.

“You don’t have to apologize. If anything, I’m the one who’s been letting my selfishness make things awkward for everyone.”

“Nah. I actually really like this friendship we’ve built. And I don’t know what your plans are exactly, but I think it’d be cool to keep this going.”

“Oh...”

This caught me off-guard.

All this time, I’d convinced myself I needed to change... but that didn’t mean I needed to abandon all sense of self to achieve that end. After all, if I changed everything that made me “me,” good parts and all, I wouldn’t be Inaba Himeko anymore.

Indeed, although it was easy to forget, I had positive traits just like anyone else. After all, it was functionally impossible to possess 100% negative traits. I wasn’t a total monster... I just needed to have confidence in myself.

“Inaban!”

“Inaba!”

“Inabacchan!”

My friends were calling me.

“Let’s go, Inaba,” Taichi prompted.

And so I took a step forward. Starting now, I was going to walk with my head held high.

Sure, maybe I panicked and lost sight of my identity. And chances were good it wouldn’t be the last time I would make a dumbass mistake. After all, if a little willpower was all it took to make shit happen, no one in this world would ever have any problems.

No... In reality, willpower was the first step. The first of many. And to truly live our lives, the only option was to walk that path one step at a time—no shortcuts.

Granted, there would be bad days. Sad days. Some days we would despair at our fuckups. And some days we might stray from the right path. But in the end...

“Alright, candles are good to go! Everybody ready to sing?! Three, two, one, go!”

On Iori’s signal, everyone launched into a chorus of the happy birthday song.

...In the end, as long as I have my friends by my side, I know I’ll be just fine.

As the song came to a close, everyone burst into cheers and applause.

Now then... It’s time to make my comeback, Inaba Himeko style!

With courage burning brightly in my chest, I leaned forward and blew out those sixteen candles.