CHAPTER 13

People thronged all around us, and every face was happy. At last we made our way through them and arrived in a wooded area that had neither blossoms nor crowds, where we could resume the conversation.

“Is love really a sin?” I asked abruptly.

“Yes, most definitely,” Sensei said, as forcefully as before.

“Why?”

“You’ll understand soon enough. No, you must already understand it. Your heart is already restless with love, isn’t it?”

I briefly searched within myself to see if this might be true, but all I could find was a blank. Nothing inside me seemed to answer his description.

“There’s no object of love in my heart, Sensei. Believe me, I’m being perfectly honest with you.”

“Ah, but you’re restless precisely because there’s no object, you see? You’re driven by the feeling that if only you could find that object, you’d be at peace.”

“I don’t feel too restless right now.”

“You came to me because of some lack you sensed, didn’t you?”

“That may be so. But that isn’t love.”

“It’s a step in the direction of love. You had the impulse to find someone of the same sex as the first step toward embracing someone of the opposite sex.”

“I think the two things are completely different in nature.”

“No, they’re the same. But I’m a man, so I can’t really fill your need. Besides, certain things make it impossible for me to be all you want me to be. I feel for you, actually. I accept that your restless urge will one day carry you elsewhere. Indeed I hope for your sake that that will happen. And yet . . .”

I felt strangely sad. “If you really believe I’ll grow apart from you, Sensei, then what can I say? But I’ve never felt the slightest urge.”

He wasn’t listening. “. . . you must be careful,” he went on, “because love is a sin. My friendship can never really satisfy you, but at least there’s no danger here. Tell me, do you know the feeling of being held fast by a woman’s long black hair?”

I knew it well enough in my fantasies, but not from reality. But my mind was on another matter. Sensei’s use of the word sin made no sense to me. And I was feeling a little upset.

“Sensei, please explain more carefully what you mean by sin. Otherwise, I’d prefer not to pursue this conversation until I’ve discovered for myself what you really mean.”

“I apologize. I was trying to speak truthfully, but I’ve only succeeded in irritating you. It was wrong of me.”

We walked on quietly past the back of the museum and headed toward Uguisudani. Through gaps in the hedge we caught glimpses of the spacious gardens, crowded thick with dwarf bamboo, secluded and mysterious.

“Do you know why I go every month to visit my friend’s grave in Zōshigaya?”

Sensei’s question came out of the blue. He knew perfectly well, what’s more, that I did not. I made no reply.

There was a pause, then something seemed to dawn on him. “I’ve said something wrong again,” he said contritely. “I planned to explain, because it was wrong of me to upset you like that, but my attempt at explanation has only irritated you further. It’s no use. Let’s drop the subject. Just remember that love is a sin. And it is also sacred.”

These words made even less sense to me. But it was the last time Sensei spoke to me of love.