CHAPTER 17

There was more I wanted to say, but I held my tongue, for fear of seeming to be one of those argumentative types. Seeing me gazing silently into my empty teacup, she offered to pour me another, as if to soothe any possible hurt feelings. I passed her my cup.

“How many?” she asked, grasping a sugar cube with a strange-looking implement and lifting it coquettishly to show me. “One? Two?” Though not exactly flirting with me, she was striving to be charming, so as to erase her earlier strong words.

I sipped my tea in silence, and remained mute once the tea was drunk.

“You’ve gone terribly quiet,” she remarked.

“That’s because I feel as if whatever I might say, you’d accuse me of being argumentative,” I replied.

“Oh, come now,” she protested.

This remark provided us with a way back into the conversation. Once more its subject was the one interest we had in common, Sensei.

“Could I elaborate a little more on what I was saying earlier?” I asked. “You may find it empty reasoning, but I’m in earnest.”

“Do speak then.”

“If you were suddenly to die, could Sensei go on living as he does now?”

“Now how could I know the answer to that? You’d have to ask the man himself, surely. That’s not a question for me to answer.”

“But I’m serious. Please don’t be evasive. You must give me an honest answer.”

“But I have. Honestly, I have no idea.”

“Well, then, how much do you love Sensei? This is something to ask you rather than him, surely.”

“Come now, why confront me with such a question?”

“You mean there’s no point in it? The answer is obvious?”

“Yes, I suppose that’s what I mean.”

“Well, then, if Sensei were suddenly to lose such a loyal and loving wife, what would he do? He’s disillusioned with the world as it is—what would he do without you? I’m not asking for his opinion, I’m asking for yours. Do you feel he’d be happy?”

“I know the answer from my own point of view, though I’m not sure whether he would see it the same way. Put simply, if Sensei and I were separated, he’d be miserable. He might well be unable to go on living. This sounds conceited of me, I know, but I do my best to make him happy. I even dare to believe no one else could make him as happy as I can. This belief comforts me.”

“Well, I think that conviction would reveal itself in Sensei’s heart as well.”

“That’s another matter altogether.”

“You’re claiming that Sensei dislikes you?”

“I don’t think he dislikes me personally. He has no reason to. But he dislikes the world in general, you see. In fact, these days perhaps he dislikes the human race. In that sense, given that I’m human, he must feel the same way about me.”

At last I understood what she had been saying about his feelings for her.