CHAPTER 19

At first I had thought of Sensei’s wife as a perspicacious woman. But as we talked, she gradually changed before my eyes; then my heart, rather than my mind, began to respond to her.

Nothing, it seemed, troubled her relationship with her husband—indeed, what could?—and yet something was wrong. But try as she might to learn what the problem might be, she could find nothing. Precisely this made her suffer.

At first she had thought that since Sensei viewed the world through jaundiced eyes, he must view her in that way too. But that answer failed to convince her. In fact, she thought the opposite must be true—that his dislike of her had set him against the world at large. Search as she might, however, she could find nothing that really confirmed this hypothesis. Sensei was in every way a model husband, kind and tender. So she lived with this kernel of doubt sown away in her, below the daily warmth that flowed between them.

That evening she brought out her misgivings and laid them before me. “What do you think?” she asked. “Do you think he’s become like this because of me, or is it because of what you call his outlook on life or some such thing? Tell me honestly.”

I had no intention of being dishonest with her. But I sensed that the root of her problem was something I could not know, and so no answer that I gave could possibly satisfy her. “I really don’t know,” I replied.

Her face briefly registered the unhappiness of one whose hopes have been dashed.

I quickly went on. “But I can guarantee that Sensei doesn’t dislike you. I’m only telling you what I heard from his own lips. He’s not a man to lie, is he?”

She made no reply at first, then said, “Actually, I’ve thought of something . . .”

“You mean something to do with why he’s become like this?”

“Yes. If it really is the cause, then I can cease to feel responsible, and that in itself would be such a relief . . .”

“What is it?”

She hesitated, fixing her gaze on the hands in her lap. “I’ll tell you, and you must be the judge, please.”

“I will if it’s within my power to do so, certainly.”

“I can’t tell you everything. He’d be angry if I did. I’ll just tell you the part that wouldn’t make him angry.”

I swallowed tensely.

“When Sensei was a university student, he had a very close friend. This friend died just as they were about to graduate. It was very sudden.” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Actually, it wasn’t from natural causes.”

Her tone provoked me to ask how he had died.

“This is as much as I can say. But that’s when it began. After that Sensei’s personality slowly changed. I don’t know why his friend died, and I don’t think Sensei does either. But seeing how he began to change afterward, somehow I can’t help feeling that perhaps he may have known something after all.”

“Is it this friend’s grave in Zōshigaya?”

“I’m not to speak of that either. But tell me, can someone change so much with the loss of a single friend? That’s what I so long to know. What do you think?”

On the whole, I tended to think not.