Side Chapter — A Thief Named Tieff

In Goren’s bar, there was a villager talking to an adventurer friend of his.

“Y’know, there was a wedding here right before the Dragon came.”

“Yeah? A wedding, here?”

“Yup. It all happened at the nearby church. Man, it was something else.”

“C’mon, it’s just a small-town wedding. Couldn’t have been that great.”

“The bride had two dresses.”

“...You mean some simple ol’ plain dresses, yeah?”

“Nah, fancy ones like nobles would wear... Actually, ones so fancy not even most nobles would wear them. Pretty sure they had actual gems sewn into them.”

“Seriously...? What kinda villager can afford those?”

“Apparently, the Beddhist Church lent them the dresses. Sheesh, I dunno what our pope’s thinking, spending that much on some village girl,” said the villager, and Tieff heard it all.

“...There’s treasure like that in the church, huh?” Tieff immediately went to scope it out. It looked clean on the outside, hinting that it was newly built. The walls were white like the buildings in Pavella, giving it a sense of purity and cleanliness.

Once inside he found a bunch of believers reading books and sleeping on the desks. The air was comfortably warm and the chapel had stained glass windows, a massive holy symbol, and a magical tool spinning on the ceiling to keep a steady flow of air.

“...Wait, books? But these look like commoners. Don’t tell me nobles sneak in here.”

“What, first time in the church? We’re all commoners here, y’know. Villagers.” A passerby replied to Tieff’s murmur.

“...Why are commoners reading books like it’s no big deal?”

“This church lets believers read its books. They used to be in some shelves near the back, but thanks to all the thieves lately they were moved to a back room.”

“Those empty shelves were bookshelves...? Hold on a second. That makes it sound like books were just left out and people could grab them whenever they wanted.”

“Yeah, anyone in the church could read them. Only villagers got to take them outside, though.”

Unbelievable. Something as expensive as books were just laid out for anyone to grab. That aside, Tieff was more interested in the dresses he had heard about.

“I heard something about some crazy dresses at a wedding here. Know anything about those?”

“Oh yeah, for sure. Those were some awesome-looking dresses. But Waife didn’t let them own her. Like, it felt like the dresses had been made just for her and her alone, yeah? Everyone made fun of Hubb ’cause we were jealous of how lucky he was.” It seemed the man was another villager.

“You know where those dresses are? I wanna take a look at them.”

“Uhhh, the town chief probably has them.”

“Why the town chief?” asked the thief.

“’Cause the pope of Beddhism’s also the town chief.”

“...Alright. This is a church town, then.”

“The church is kind of a side thing, really. The town came first.”

“Seriously? Did a god give someone divine inspiration or something?”

“A god, huh...? Don’t think Beddhism has any gods. I guess it all happened ’cause the town chief found a bible in the dungeon.” A church without a god? That doesn’t even make sense, thought the thief.

“Thanks, man. You’ve been a big help.”

“No problem! Oyasuminasai, my brother.” The passerby sat down and slammed his head against the desk. Must be nice to have a life where you could just take naps in church whenever you wanted.

Tieff went looking for the town chief’s house next. He found it in no time. It was right next to the inn, or rather, it was connected to the inn. The security seemed a bit light, but well, that was what you’d expect in a small town like Goren. The residence was pretty fancy considering how recently the town had been built.

“...Should I?” He was referring to, of course, stealing. Everything he heard pointed to the town chief being rich. The inn had a grand suite that cost tens of golds to stay in, and people had been staying in that suite recently.

Not to mention he was so unconcerned about thieves that he would just carelessly leave expensive books lying around. He was probably some stuck-up son of a farming noble. In which case, a little bit of stealing would be no problem at all. He was basically asking for thieves to target him.

And so, Tieff decided to do the deed. Unfortunately for him.

But in any case, he waited until nighttime—so late at night that even the bar was closed. Tieff waited until there were no passersby anywhere nearby, then pressed against the front door of the chief residence.

He checked the doorknob. It was locked, at the very least. But not with a lock that would pose any trouble for Tieff to pick. He used a drill and a special needle. First, he drilled a hole into the door, then pushed the needle into that hole. A flick of his wrist and the lock was undone.

Such was Tieff’s {Open Lock} skill. It allowed him to manipulate special needles.

“...■■■, ■■■■■■■■■— {Life Search.}” He opened the door slightly, stuck a finger through the crack, and checked for people with detection magic. The problem with the spell was that it couldn’t detect people inside closed rooms and such, which meant he would have to use it each time he opened another door.

...Alright. At the very least, nobody was standing guard by the front door. Tieff silently slid inside the residence.

It was pitch black inside since no starlight could shine within the building. But Tieff could still see everything as foggy black and white shapes—no colors, just the shapes. That was his {Night Vision} skill at work. Incidentally, he was using a {Soundproof} skill to hide the sounds he made. Anything not extremely loud would come out quieter than a grain of sand falling to the ground.

This place has a lot of rooms. There were halls with lots of rooms on either side. So many that it removed all doubt that this was a rich noble’s son frivolously wasting money. But it was plainly decorated, with only a single metal flower pot on the shelf by the front door. The valuables were either in a safe or in the chief’s room.

Now, let’s find the money... I guess the dresses would be in a closet? The doors all looked the same, but conveniently enough there were plates on them that identified what they were.

“Niku,” huh? This must be a slave’s room. And “Ichika,” next to her... another slave? Neither of those were the town chief’s name, at least. No point in going into either of them. Still, him having dedicated rooms for slaves meant he really was rich. The thought of how much loot awaited him put Tieff in a good mood.

Guess I should go for rooms without plates? He cracked open a nearby door using {Soundproof} to quiet the sounds. After confirming with magic that nobody was inside, he slowly opened it the rest of the way.

...A bathroom. No point going any further. Next.

He checked the next room for people... and this time, it was just a normal empty room. Next.

But the next door had a plate with “Keima” on it. That was the town chief’s name. An important room to check, but... Tieff couldn’t get the door open. Not even a crack.

It must have been locked. From the inside, of course.

If it’s his personal room, he’s probably asleep right now. Might be best not to go inside at all. Tieff gave up on the town chief’s room without even picking the lock.

There was a room with a plate entitled “Parlor” right next to the town chief’s room. Probably weren’t any safes in there. Next.

“Administrator’s Office,” huh? Now this is suspicious. Tieff tested the door and found that it was locked as well. The lock was more complicated than the front door’s. That was a good sign, and not a problem for Tieff.

Taking his time and using {Soundproof}, he opened the lock—after a significant amount of time working on it—and slid inside. There he found two work desks, a bunch of books strewn all over the place, and a shelf of organized paperwork. The front-facing desk was probably the town chief’s, with the sideways one next to it likely belonging to the vice chief.

Was there a safe in the room...? Yes. It was big and stood out. Only problem was, big meant heavy—real heavy. He wouldn’t be able to take it outside. He would need to open the lock and just take whatever was inside.

Tieff went straight to work. He couldn’t find a keyhole. It had a dial, which made it clear what kind of safe it was. But dial safes were extra expensive and mostly used in castles.

Either he’s overly cautious, or he’s just that rich. Tieff licked his dry lips and pumped himself up. It’d take some time, but he could crack a dial.

Wonder what I should spend the money on, thought Tieff. He reached out for the dial. Who could have predicted that the safe would grow legs and attack him?

“Guh?!” But still, Tieff managed to dodge to the side and avoid the safe’s tackle. He hurriedly shut his mouth, but the safe dropped to the ground with a heavy thump.

“Wh-What the hell...?”

Click. Tieff’s head snapped to the door. There stood a beauty with long silver hair, holding a lantern.

“Wh-Who’s there?! This is the town chief’s residence!”

O-Oh shit, I gotta get outta here. Tieff decided to flee. He had two routes available to him. The door and the window. On top of that, he had three choices. Take the girl as a hostage, kill her, or run like hell.

Tch. This is gonna suck. Tieff chose the simplest decision with the least amount of risk. In other words, kill the woman to keep her silent. He drew a knife and threw it at her. But it went right through her body.

Huh?! What just happened... Wait!

“KYAAAH, a robber! HE’S GONNA KILL MEEEE!” The girl ran off screaming.

Fuck, not a screamer! I gotta get outta here! thought Tieff while dashing to the window. But it wouldn’t open. Is it locked?! Or am I just grabbing it from the wrong way? I dunno if I should... His thoughts were interrupted by the safe coming up behind him.

Fuck! Just gotta do it! He tackled the window and broke through it. That made a lot of noise, but it was better than getting caught. If he could just get outside and dash to the forest, he would be free. Unfortunately, ground was not waiting for him outside the window.

“What?” Rather, there was a well. It caught him so off guard he didn’t even know what to say. Why was there a well there? Who knows, but he fell in it like it was sucking him inside.

“Ngh!” He stuck out his hands and grabbed the rim of the well right before he fell all the way inside.

“That was cl—”

“Be a dear and fall for me, would you?” A passerby... no, someone clearly after Tieff peeled his fingers back. All he saw before falling was a flash of green hair and a maid outfit.

＊ ＊ ＊

Tieff couldn’t move once he hit the bottom of the well. Or to be more accurate, the bottom of the well opened into a pitfall, which had people waiting to bind him in ropes.

“Another ooone? Ahaha, I still have the last one, but... Fwaah, so sleepy... it’s too late for this, maybeee... Haaah,” said a girl with plain brown hair while yawning. “You knooow, stealing stuff this late at niiight is a biiig sin. We’re Beddhists here, soooo... Fwaah. You woke me uppp...” None of it made sense. Why was there someone living in the bottom of the well anyway?

“Oooh, by the waaay, this isn’t a well. It’s a secret laaab. The old entrance got blocked off ooonce, so now there’s a trap slash secret entrance leading heeere...” The sleepy-looking girl dragged out her words as if they were as tired as her.

“I-I just fell by accident, alright? Who stole anything? I need some help here.”

“Aaah, you’re going to try to liiie, hmm? Too baaad, that won’t work heeere,” the girl said, taking out the knife that Tieff had just thrown at the other girl. “But we’ll let you gooo, if you help with my experimeeeents.”

“E-Experiments? Alright, sure, I’m game. Just get me ou—”

“You wiiiill?! That’s juuust what I wanted to hear!” The girl rejoiced in her relaxed tone of voice. “You knooow, I’ve always wanted to research human bodiiies. Like, how much can you cut off before they can’t use skills anymore, riiiight?” Cut off?! Tieff, terrified, just wanted to the hell out of there as soon as possible.

“Buuut like I saaaid, the last one’s still aliiive... and I’m sleeeepy, so let’s do this tomorrow, okaaay? Hmmm, maybe I should try burying magic stones inside of them? Fwaaah. Anywaaay, oyasuminasaaai.”

“H-Hey! Help me, c’mon!” The girl said what she wanted to say, then left on the spot. What the hell was that all about...? Well, whatever. I’ll wait for my chance, then get the hell out of here. No point rushing things and slipping up.

Tieff, unable to move due to all the ropes, just went to sleep. And nobody ever saw him again. The few people he knew that did notice his absence didn’t really care, figuring he got caught doing some crime and either ran away or got killed.

“Weeell, I said I’d forgive you, but I never said I wouldn’t kill yooou.” Suffice to say, his associates were right about one of those.

# Keima’s Perspective

“Oh right, Keima, the front door was unlocked when I woke up. There’s been a lot of crime lately. You need to lock it before you go to sleep.”

“Whoa, Rokuko, you sure about that? The front door’s a Golem and it locks by itself at night.”

“Wait, really?” Yes, really. Incidentally, as a security measure the doors to our rooms were set not to open from the outside when a thief entered the building. It was the kind of fancy security we could only have thanks to our entire home being made of Golems. Couldn’t ask for better security, really. Probably.

“Oooh. Now that you mention it, that’s totally right. I guess that means another thief broke in last night.”

“Yep. As for the damage... looks like we’ve got a report from Rei. Says here that he broke a window in my office. Sheesh, more repairs... I’m really not in the mood for this,” I said, bringing up the monitor. Our entire home was a Golem. Thus, our entire home was basically covered in security cameras. And just to be clear, I try not to look inside bathrooms or people’s rooms, alright?

“...Interesting. Looks like he drilled a hole in the door, then stuck a needle inside. He’s pretty good.” Guess I’ll have to fill that hole in too. Whaaat a pain. “Sheesh, things really have been getting bad lately. Can’t say I’m too surprised though, more people going through town means more people ready to commit crimes.” And most of them went straight to the chief’s residence to get rich quick. Especially since the security looked pretty lax here.

“We sure save a lot of time by painting a target on ourselves and concentrating all the crime in one place.”

“Each criminal down makes everything more peaceful, and we get dungeon points. It’s two birds with one stone!”

Not to mention, I said that the security looked lax, not that it was lax. The chief residence was basically a trap house that invited thieves in, then ate them up. Since all of our actual valuables were stored in the Master Room, more or less, there wasn’t anything for people to steal. I even turned our safe into a Golem just to have it grow legs.

“It’s like the experimental Iron Golems we have down in the dungeon,” noted Rokuko.

“A good ol’ Living Bank. The actual safe we did buy with DP, so it’s legit. All the {Create Golem} stuff happened afterward.” I had given it an order to attack anyone who tried to stealthily open it at night. It was filled with our gold coins and could dish out some heavy tackles thanks to that, but at the price of being slow enough that you could dodge it even when caught unprepared. So far it had only managed to hit a single person.

“I gotta thank Rei and the others for working so late at night.”

“Rei said she’s just glad she finally gets to live like a Vampire should.” Oh yeah, Vampires are nocturnal. And Rei is a Vampire. Right.

“Maybe we should make Elulu do some stuff too?” suggested Rokuko.

“...I don’t know about turning the chief residence into a ghost house.”

“That’s fair. By the way, what should we do with the thief this time? Let Neruneh experiment on him again?”

“Seems like Neruneh has all the bodies she needs. Maybe Elulu will want him for something.” She had said that she wanted to experiment with how much she could interact with humans, whether she could curse and possess them, and so on. I was completely behind her doing those experiments in her spare time. Though I do kinda want to execute him now to save the hassle of him potentially escaping and leaking secrets.

“Anyway, I’m off to bed.”

“Come on, you just woke up. At least fix the house before going to bed.”

“Yeah, yeah.” If you asked me, it would be smarter to just leave the front door unlocked so thieves didn’t have to break in every time. But whatever. Just gotta fix this and sleep.