Side Chapter - The Ivory Goddess Festival, Wataru the Hero, and Beddhism

Today was the Ivory Goddess Festival. Or to be more specific, it was the first day of the three day long festival that was anathema to peaceful sleep. Personally I could have lived without holding the festival, but my townsfolk were excited enough for it that it wasn’t in my power to stop it. On top of that, I had to manage the church since I was keeping it open as a rest spot. What a pain. Such a pain that I didn’t even bother saying the full “What a pain in the butt.”

“Heya, Keima! Excited for the festival?” In the midst of all that, the Hero of Debt Wataru came over looking unreasonably excited. I bet this jerk came over specifically ’cause he knew we’d be busy.

“I heard in the inn that you would be over here. I’m surprised to see a new building here. Nice church.”

“Yep. I ordered it from Narikin, the master of construction magic. Looks pretty nice, huh?”

“...Er, you’re still going to pretend that Narikin exists?” The heck does this guy think he’s saying? Narikin is the mysterious masked magician. How could he... Ahhh, wait, I introduced Narikin as Rokuko’s partner to him or something. Whatever.

“Anyway, why’d you come all the way to this backwater town? I’m guessing the capital city is really lit up right now.”

“Well, despite appearance, don’t forget that I’m an S-Rank adventurer and a Hero. The Ivory Goddess Festival is for adventurers and the capital city just goes way too crazy over S-Ranks like me. I wouldn’t get the chance to enjoy the festival, so I ran away and came here. There’s some adventurer called Suzuki over there. I’ll leave it to him.” Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time. I forgot all about him. Dragon Suzuki, was it? I’m pretty sure I have him buried alive in a dungeon wall somewhere... Oh, right, Haku brought back a fake Doppelganger.

“That Suzuki guy is a real shut-in, though. I’m pretty sure Haku said he’d never go out in public or something.”

“Oh, really? You sure know a lot about him.” Wataru scratched his cheek. It didn’t look like he cared much. To be honest, neither did I.

“The thing is, I wanted to spend my festival with the person I like, so... Here I am,” said Wataru, shyly.

“I get it. You have a crush on me, huh? Sorry, I’m into girls.”

“So am I! You’re not a bad guy, Keima, but I don’t swing that way.”

“Don’t even think about touching Rokuko. Unless you want Haku to personally murder you, that is.”

“No! Seriously, I was only acting back then. It was complicated.”

“What?! That just leaves Niku, I mean Kuro! So it’s true that Heroes love slave girls, and beastkin just turn Heroes into beasts themselves...”

“Where did you even hear that?! No, no, that’s all wrong!” Yeah, I know.

“I’m pretty sure Neruneh’s working at the receptionist counter right about now.”

“Yeah, and I came over here so I wouldn’t get in the way of her work. She’ll be off tomorrow and I’m planning to spend the day with her. So here I am, passing today talking to you.” Uh, y’know, I’m kinda busy managing the church right now. You don’t mind getting in the way of my work?

“Well, I’m just glad Haku didn’t come...”

“Naturally, this entire festival would go off the deep end if Haku visited. This is a celebration in her honor, after all. She really wanted to come, but managed to restrain herself,” said Wataru, grinning. Man... I bet she’s gonna kick the crap out of him for coming here on his own without her. He’ll deserve it, too.

“Oh right. Keima, I heard that you’re the pope of Beddhism and that this church is a Beddhist church. What kind of religion is that?”

“Its core tenant is to hold peace, harmony, and rest above all else. Want to join?”

“Ahhh, sorry. I’m an actual Buddhist, so... I’m not planning on joining any of the religions here.” Oh yeah, he’s a Japanese person. I was technically a Buddhist too, or at least the kind that would normally call myself an atheist despite my ancestors being buried by local shrines.

“I won’t force you to join, since we don’t do that in Beddhism. But it’s a sub-religion, so you can practice it while keeping Buddhism as your main religion.”

“That sounds kinda like the job system of an MMORPG.”

“Also, Neruneh is a very passionate believer in Beddhism. I remember her saying that if she started dating someone, they’d have to be a Beddhist.”

“So it can be just my sub-religion, right?”

“Welcome to the church, friend.” By the way, he bought an expensive golden holy symbol. It didn’t detract anything from his debt, of course.

“Wait, what?! A Hero joined the church?!”

“Holy cow! Beddhism’s crazy!”

“Man, both the town chief and a Hero are Beddhists! That’s amazing!”

...Those inside the church kicked up quite the stir after a Hero joined. Man, I messed up. How am I gonna get any sleep now?

“Great, now this place is loud as crap. Let’s go outside.”

“Oh, okay.” I went outside with Wataru. However, that was another mistake in a long string of mistakes.

“Oh look, it’s Wataru the Hero... Wait, whaaaa?! That’s a pretty cool necklace! It’s the holy symbol of the Beddhist Church! Heeey, everyoneee! An S-Rank adventurer just joined the Beddhist chuuurch!”

“Holy cow! Beddhism’s crazy!”

“Ohoooh, I gotta drink to that! Hyahaha, eat, eat! Drink, drink!” People had pulled tables out by the church and were drinking beneath the sky. In no time at all, word had spread throughout town that a Hero had joined the church. The inertia was high, with every citizen having joined and now a Hero as well. Wataru and I were surrounded before we knew it and taken to the center of the festival, the plaza by the church.

Before my eyes was a mountain of food. Kinue had put her all into making a feast and it showed. There was delicious-looking fried food, french fries, boar snout steak, cooked pig, roast rabbit, and so on. Huge bowls of noodles and rice balls... There were even chunks of meat still attached to bones. It was like something you’d see in a comic book.

“...Well, all Beddhists can eat as much as they want today. Here, there’s some udon we made out of the flour we have stored for winter.”

“Oh, udon, huh? I’ll have some... Wow, this stuff is pretty hard. Feels pretty bumpy too... Right?”

“Be sure to chew a lot, it sticks in your stomach. People love it for that since it fills you up.”

“...Isn’t udon supposed to go down easy?” Well, udon that isn’t made out of bread flour, yeah. This is pretty good for like, boiled udon.

Suddenly, I saw Gozou walking toward us. He must have heard that Wataru was here.

“Heya, Wataru! I heard ye joined Beddhism. Here, take out your holy symbol. I’ll teach ya how we greet other members of the church.”

“Ah, Gozou. Sure. Like this?” Gozou and Wataru clinked their holy symbols together. I had no idea what they were doing.

“Wow, that’s kinda neat.”

“Yup, gold sure sounds special.”

“Heeey, Hero, greet me too!”

“Me next!”

Hey, I have a holy symbol too, why isn’t anyone trying to greet me?

“Well, ’cause you’re the pope, Keima.”

“Feels kinda disrespectful.”

“Plus we might catch your always-sleepy disease.”

“You guys... Want me to knock you all out?” In any case, I joined in on the greetings with my mithril holy symbol. It was surprisingly fun. With a greeting like this, maybe I should hollow out the inside and make them ring like bells. But I hadn’t actually expected a greeting like this to develop on its own. I guess things are going well?

“Oh my! A Hero has joined the church... That is incredible. I am merely a passing merchant, but may I join as well?”

“Sure! Beddhism’s all about accepting everyone! Right, town chief?”

“Y-Yeah... We accept anyone who doesn’t disturb the sleep of others.”

“Holy cow! Beddhism’s crazy!” Okay, who the hell keeps saying that?

“Hahaha! Looks like we’re gonna be staying up all night partying!” Please, anything but that. You’re right by the chief residence where I sleep... I don’t want the noise keeping me up all night. I’ve soundproofed the room, but that has its limits.

“...I’ll warn you now, but I’m gonna get super pissed if you make a lot of noise right outside my room all night.”

“Oh right, we better not get the pope mad. You got it, we’ll go crazy in the bar overnight.” Good.

“Man, Keima, you’re acting just like a great pope.”

“Wanna get smacked, Wataru?” That said, I had no idea how to escape this crowd of people. I fell into thought about how to get away when suddenly Wataru spoke up.

“You know, I know the perfect way to escape crowds like this.”

“Yeah? Let’s hear it.”

“Okay... Heeey, everyone, clear some space! Keima and I are gonna have a training dueeel!”

“Wait, what?!”

“Ahahaha!” Oh crap, this guy’s super drunk. When did he even get that beer?

“Heeey, clear some space! Wataru the Hero and Keima the town chief are gonna have a duel!”

“Seriously? Keima’s gonna die!” The crowed stirred and opened up. Can’t back out of this now...

“Don’t woooorry, Keima! I meaaan, hey, let’s say I lose if I take even a single step, okaaay? Go ahead, take the first swing!”

“Oh, really? Let’s do it then.”

The duel ended in my win. Too bad, Wataru! You might have noticed what I was doing if you weren’t drunk.

With victory in hand, I managed to escape the plaza. Haaah. Finally. Oh, and how’d I win? I used {Create Golem} beneath him, of course. Got a problem? Wataru apparently spent the second and third days having a ton of fun with Neruneh. They mainly talked about magic and went so in depth on the subject that nobody around them could keep up, which gave them some alone time together. How nice.

And me? I was busy managing the church. I ended up avoiding work yesterday and Rokuko punished me for it. But that was fine, it was quieter in the church than the rest of town.

“Oh right, Keima, the whole town is talking about how the Beddhist pope beat a Hero in a duel! Isn’t that great?”

“C’mon, Wataru, give me a break...”

“Hahaha! I may have been drunk, but you definitely beat me! And the truth is, I dueled a ton of other people after that under the same conditions, but nobody beat me except you. Kuro was a pretty tough fight, though.” How...? Why didn’t anyone beat him...?

“You’re the only one who trampled over the festive mood and pulled a dirty trick. Just what I’d expect from you, Keima.” H-Hey! I was the first one you dueled, there was no festive mood yet!