Chapter 4: Thousand Tricks

“I just had this great idea. If we find you some strong Relics, you should be fine, yeah?”

“Luke, please. No matter how good the weapon, an incompetent user is still gonna die when it’s time to die.”

Past conversations with my friends bloomed in my memory. As I flew at speeds that could kill even the most hardened hunters, I had completely thrown the idea of survival out the window.

I’m gonna die! I’m seriously gonna die!

The White Wolf’s Den was surprisingly large for a den built by monsters. But the width and height of its passages were far too small to traverse with the Night Hiker and its lack of brakes.

It was dark inside the den, but there were luminous rocks here and there that lit the way. On my right index finger was one of my many Relics that allowed the user to see in the dark: the Owl’s Eye. Between that and the stones, I could see pretty well. A silver lining, maybe, but the dark cloud was far too large for my tastes.

A wall entered my line of sight. Frantically, I steered around the corner. The inside of the cave was so dismal that I would have never normally stepped inside. Now, however, the only thought in my mind was the question of how I was gonna stop this crazy thing. I had brought a map, but at this point, who knew how far in I was?

The Relic wasn’t exactly good at graceful turns, so I was being tossed against walls, ceilings, and the ground over and over. With each impact, my field of vision rocked intensely. I felt like a rubber ball at this point. Heck, I hardly knew what was going on anymore.

My face was fixed in a grimace. Looking back, I should’ve found a way to stop before I came into the vault. I was nauseous and ready to vomit from the ungodly speed, but it was my own fault. I whizzed right over a phantom that was blocking the path.

No matter how much stronger a phantom was than a human, it couldn’t follow an unpredictable bullet like me. Especially since even I didn’t know where I was going. By the time it had noticed me and turned my way, I had already passed overhead. I decided to ignore the fact that I had just seen a wolf standing on two legs and holding a sword.

Where’s Tino?!

Unlike phantoms, hunters stuck around for quite some time after they died. Even if their corpses were eaten by the phantoms, it was unheard of for them to leave no trace at all. At least, I thought so.

My eyesight was shabby at best, but at the very least, the blurry scenery didn’t seem to contain the corpses of Tino and her merry band. It was unlikely that they were dead.

Unlike me, Tino had a strong sense of duty, so she wouldn’t just give up on it. Additionally, if they had come this far, ignored the request, and headed back to the imperial city to idle around, they would’ve been be a complete laughingstock. Then again, being Liz’s apprentice means she has a crafty side, so maybe—

My train of thought was derailed as I slammed against the ceiling once more. It didn’t hurt, but I was seeing stars. I had ended up in a long, straight passageway. Ahead of me, phantoms gaped in shock at this intrusive human missile. I shot right past them.

My shoulder smashed into a wolf’s head, sending me careening toward a wall. The impact shook me, but I somehow managed to navigate a sharp curve afterward, dragging myself along the wall. It was a miracle that I hadn’t slammed flat against one yet.

I was using a different Relic to adjust my trajectory, which was helping out a little. Thank you, O Great Relic.

Even so, I was just barely hanging on. I had to do something about this fast, or I was dead meat. Then, I’d go down in history as the victim of the Second Human Missile Crisis, or just “That Idiot Who Crashed in a Vault.” I hated the thought; it was just too pathetic.

No more. I need to stop, no matter what it takes.

Suddenly, I saw the path open up ahead. Right in front of me was a ginormous phantom. Sensing that my life was in danger, I exercised my excellent decision-making abilities and came up with a perfect solution: I would use this phantom’s body as my landing pad.

All that was left now was to brace myself. I held my head, shut my eyes, and prayed desperately. Seconds later, my entire body sustained an impact greater than anything I’d ever experienced. I blacked out.

When I finally regained consciousness, I warily opened my eyes.

Looks like my stop was safe...ish.

I released my head and tried to stand, but to my surprise, I was already on my feet. Despite the incredible force, I had survived just fine. Something must’ve been up with my inner ears, though, because I felt pretty dizzy. The unsteadiness brought me awfully close to vomiting, but I held it down. I shook my head violently in an attempt to keep my wits about me. Despite my long hiatus, I knew that losing consciousness in a treasure vault all but guaranteed death.

After patting the dust off my shoulders, I heaved a great sigh. My heart was still pounding like a drum. If I didn’t calm down soon, it might explode. My face was still taut, too. After seeing my life flash before my eyes like that, I supposed it was a good thing that I’d gotten off so easily.

Yeah, the Night Hiker was definitely a defective product. Whoever came up with this thing had been even crazier than my childhood friends. The brakes ought to be the first thing you consider!

The unfortunate phantom that had acted as my cushion had been thrown headfirst into a wall. Well, more accurately, the phantoms—there were two of them. I hadn’t seen them both at first, but now they were piled on top of each other, unmoving.

Phantoms from a level 3 vault wouldn’t fare well against a human missile blow from behind. Their thick, black armor was badly dented and broken. On the ground along the wall were a massive bow and greatsword—presumably their weapons.

For some reason, these phantoms were nothing like the ones I had heard about. They were different in form, color, and... just about everything, actually. The phantoms in this vault were meant to be wolves, but the fallen phantoms before me were adorned in thick armor that even high-class imperial knights didn’t have access to. They weren’t what I had expected, and that was a bad thing.

When I used to get dragged into level 3 dungeons, the phantoms had been a little... well, a lot weaker. To be fair, it had been quite a while since then. Had they always been this strong? On the other hand, maybe they were all bark and no bite. Either way, I was so ready to vomit.

By now, the dizzy haze had lifted, and I felt normal again. I took a good look at my surroundings. As it turned out, this wasn’t a passage at all; it was a wide-open chamber. The ceilings were high enough to make you second-guess whether you were really underground. The walls and floor were so smooth, it was hard to believe wolves had dug them out. If there were some windows and we did away with the phantoms, it would make for a pretty sick room.

Then, I noticed a familiar figure. With disheveled hair and ghostly white cheeks, she looked much wilder than she had back at the clan house. Thankfully, she didn’t seem to be hurt. She was the one and only Tino Shade. Li’l Gilbert and the Great Greg were there, too. They were all panting and staring at me in astonishment, but hey, they were alive.

“M-Master?!”

“Oh, hey. Found ya.”

Lucky me. Wait, hold on, you idiot! Don’t just say “Found ya”!

I had greeted her cheerfully in my confusion, but I seriously needed to apologize here. Safe or not, Tino was white as a sheet. She was also clearly fatigued, which I found pretty unusual. It was obvious that this level 3 treasure vault had somehow put an immense burden on her. Was this the time for a mere underling to bear witness to my illustrious “get on the floor and beg” technique? Whatever came next, I had to keep smiling.

As I stood there grinning like an idiot, Gilbert croaked, “Hey, geezer, look behind you!”

“Huh?”

Hey, I’m not that old. “Dude” would’ve been fine. “Bro,” even! That was the first thought that came to mind. Regardless, I was perfectly blank-faced and dumb-looking, no doubt and carelessness in a treasure vault was a disgrace to hunters.

When I slowly turned my head, the first thing to enter my line of sight was a phantom much like the two I had used as brakes only moments before. This one, too, was clad in black armor. Its imposing presence caused me, a coward, to instinctively sidle over to the wall. Upon closer inspection, there was one near Li’l Gilbert as well, holding a laughably huge club. Adding in the fallen ones, that made a total of four.

I hadn’t noticed when I came crashing in, but they didn’t have human heads; they were more canine in nature. The right sides of their faces covered in human bones, the beasts’ blood-red eyes shone down on me, the oblivious intruder. Their shoulders shook; their breathing was ragged. Saliva dripped from their mouths.

Normally, I would’ve been petrified with terror, vomiting at the mere sight of their eyes. But I was so appalled, my senses so dulled with shock, that my thoughts took on a life of their own.

Huh. Do level 3 phantoms get this big? They’re really advancing. If this is level 3, imagine what happens in a level 8 vault. Good thing I quit. Past me really knew what was up. Am I a god, or what?

The wolf with the crazy gun looked at me, with my dumb grin, and growled as it backed away. Meanwhile, the one with the ceiling-high club gave up its post near Gilbert and stood in front of the gunman, protecting it. Nostrils flared, it narrowed its eyes to slits, surveying me cautiously.

At last, it dawned on me what was happening. My smile slid right off my face. Are we in danger? Am I about to die? They weren’t moving to attack me, but I had no hope of beating an enemy that had put Tino at her wit’s end. What to do here?

As I desperately tried to think of a plan, the Great Greg spoke in a quavering voice. “No freakin’ way. The bosses are... scared of him?!”

Come again?

“Of me?” I blurted.

That wasn’t possible. If they were wolves, I was a sheep. My mana material fortification was just about gone, so I was just a sheep with a high recognized level. While I was still trying to wrap my head around the situation, the wolf knights took another step back. Their snouts bobbed up and down. They had forgotten about Tino entirely and were now focused only on me. Their eyes definitely had “caution” written all over them.

What’s so scary about me? The Great Greg is way more terrifying.

I followed their lines of sight and realized what they were looking at. Their crimson eyes weren’t focused on my face, but rather my chest, where the metallic capsule containing Sitri’s slime lay.

I stepped forward, and the wolves stepped back. Their eyes were fixed in my direction, but they weren’t looking at me.

This is what these huge phantoms are so afraid of? What the hell’s in this capsule, anyway? What did I bring in here with me?

I moved another step closer, and the knights retreated two steps back this time. Guess they realized I was a poisonous sheep. Luck was on my side. Indeed, today did not seem to be the day I would die.

Without taking my eyes off the wolves, I called out to the group of hunters behind me. “Tino, can you run?” I acted calm, but my heart was still throbbing painfully.

“Um, yes, of course!” Tino, vacant as she was, gave an energetic response.

There were three tunnels leading out of this room. The forward path was blocked by wolves. Frightened or not, I couldn’t discount the possibility of them saying “Forget the poison, let’s eat.” Nor could I take these two giants down. The best option was to retreat, let Tino’s party rest, and get out of here together.

“Over there.” I pointed to the closest path, the one on the right.

It was the one that the knight with the metal club was blocking. Since that one had moved for us, I figured we might as well take him up on it.

“I’m sorry, Master, but wouldn’t it be best to defeat them?” Tino asked, sounding apologetic.

Okay, yeah, true. If we could defeat them, that would be ideal. But I can’t beat them, dammit, so what do you want me to do?!

Chancing it all on throwing Sitri’s slime and hoping all our enemies died was one option, but there was too much risk inherent in gambling my fate on a slime I knew nothing about. If it was useful while it was still in the capsule, that was the much more prudent option.

I sighed and said to my cute subordinate, “Tino, you mustn’t lose sight of what’s important.”

“Oh! That would be...”

...the most important thing of all, which didn’t even bear asking. That was her life.

From my point of view, any fight that risked your life was dumb as hell. Sure, people had their own rights, so if they wanted to fight these things on their own time, I didn’t care. But I wasn’t gonna do it myself.

Suddenly, there was a loud clanging noise. Tino gasped weakly as a shadow loomed over me. The wolves pummeled by my crash landing had recovered and closed the distance between us in one step.

I guess neither of the phantoms I rammed into ended up dying.

As soon as I realized it, there was a blade as long as I was tall being swung down at me from above. The wolf knight’s roar, full of overwhelming rage, shook me from head to toe. Every muscle in my body contracted at once. I couldn’t even move, let alone react, as the blade came down on me like a guillotine.

Then, this attack—which should’ve sliced me right in two—was deflected without wounding me in the slightest.

“Bwuh?!” came the Great Greg’s dumbfounded voice.

The attacking wolf’s eyes opened wide in shock; clearly, it hadn’t expected this. It took a few steps back and forgot its resentment for a moment as it looked down at the greatsword in its hands. Following that, a giant arrow was loosed directly toward my forehead. Like the sword, it simply glanced off.

They were pissed. I could see why; if someone had hit me from behind out of nowhere so hard that I’d slammed into a wall, I’d be pretty angry, too. The bowman, the swordsman, and the other two knights glared at me. All I did was curl my lips into a wry grin. That was all I could do.

I’m dead. I really am gonna die here.

With that, I realized I should be counterattacking. I thrust out my index finger, pointing it like a gun at the wolves. Then, I activated the Relic on my left pinkie: a Shooting Ring that shot shock waves instead of bullets, aptly called the Shock-Shooting Ring. A blue light burned at my fingertip, forming a magic bullet.